 W-E-A-F, New York, 8.30 p.m. B-U-L-O-V-A, Boulevard Watchtime, Boulevard, at Better Jewelers Everywhere. A cup of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Just a moment, sir, don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalons cost you less. Why not all? OK, this is Del King saying, welcome to Avalon time with Dick Todd, Edna Stillwell, Bud Hercules, Van Dover, Martin Hertz, the Avalon chorus, Bob Strong at his orchestra, and radio's red-headed ragamuffin, Richard Red Skelton. The orchestra opens the program with an apple for the teacher. Pay more for your cigarettes when you can get highest quality in Avalons for three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. Why not take advantage of that saving, a saving that amounts to many, many extra dollars every year? But without knowing, you'd never guess Avalons cost you less. Their highest quality through and through. Give Avalons a trial tonight. And now we bring you headline hoaxom, all the news that gives us fits to print. As edited by our red-headed streamlined raving reporter, Red Skelton. And now for the news. San Francisco, California. At the World's Fair, a man demands his money back after seeing Sally Rand's nude ranch. Must have been a window washer. Two girls compete for the milking championship for the world, a California girl wins by using a new system called a foreign hand. Washington, DC. Astronomer discovers a spot on the sun. Boy, those California grapefruit shore squirt, don't they? Portland, Oregon. A man arrested for having six wives. He told the police he didn't have anything to say. Six wives? How could he? Chicago, Illinois. The American Legion Convention's over and the Chicago City government extends a vote of thanks to the Legion pranksters for straightening out the loop. And Sheridan left town, Chicago suffers a cold spell now. South Bend, Indiana. College student holds his breath for three minutes and 29 seconds. That's nothing, since I've been on this program, I've been holding my breath for 49 weeks. New York City, New York at the Yankee Stadium. The strangest sight this week is to see Senator Dyes at the World Series cheering wildly for the Reds. You never know what's gonna happen in baseball. Last spring, Gabby Hartnett went to a fortune teller to see who'd win the National League pennant. So she went to the trance and she said, come forth, winners of the National League pennant, come forth. And the Chicago Cubs came forth. I used to be... I used to be a terrific baseball player myself. I used to play with a Vincent Ickes. Boy, what a team. We didn't have a dugout. Between endings, we'd rest in an oxygen tank. It was a team of Bloomer girls. I had a chance to go with the New York Yankees, but I refused to cut my curls. Just to be a bat boy. But that takes care of the news tonight, so I'll step aside while Dick Todd vocalizes a hurdle. A vocalize... will sing over the rainbow from the Wizard of Oz. Somewhere over the rainbow that I heard of once in a lullaby Somewhere that you dare to dream Really do come true Someday I'll wish upon a star Wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Way above the chimney tops That's where you'll find Somewhere it's flushed Fly over the rainbow Why then oh why can't I Someday I'll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Way above the chimney tops That's where you'll find Somewhere over the rainbow Bluebird By our new glamour boy, Dick... One more dick and I'll be detective squad. That's it, dick squad. Listen, read about last week when I called you jerk and everything. I wish I could take back those nasty things I said about you. Do you really, dick? Yeah. I'd like to say them all over again. That was Dick Todd, folks. Better known as not the hot toddy. Well, Red, you better be careful. Remember, Dick's the sponsor's pet. Oh, I thought I noticed a pet shop air about him. But anyway, I don't believe he knows the sponsor so well. Well, maybe not, but when we passed the sponsor on the street the other day, Dick said, hiya, stinky. She wouldn't dare. Oh, besides, I stand in pretty good myself. Mr. Avalon knows when funnier jokes are told, skelton the teller. Sure, a week after Fred Allen. Another insult. I'm sorry I haven't learned to talk. You're sorry. How do you think the audience feels? Say, what is this? Is all you people becoming members of the ways to be mean committee? Now, listen, I send a letter to Mr. Avalon. Who knows if I get an answer today? Yes. Maybe out of work tomorrow. But I'm not going to worry about it. I'm having too much trouble moving. Moving? Yeah, I forgot to tell you, my uncle and I are moving to roomier quarters. What's roomier than Lincoln Park? We are not living in Lincoln Park this season. I'm living in a very swanky French apartment house. The Lausée of Amanda. What are you moving in, Red? You've been standing around here all this time just to say that one line. When you were standing there I was going to ask you, who did your inbombing? Say, would you fling that juicy line at me again, please? When are you moving, Red? Oh, a southern accent now. Putting a little southern draw there, huh? Yeah, it looked like a Mason Dixon line to me. Wait a minute, now. Oh, that's what you call taking nothing and making something. Well, anyhow, we're moving right now. Four men are carrying out my stuff. Two of them are carrying out the furniture and two of them are carrying out my uncle. I'll take it. Hello, Avalon program, Red Skelton speaking. This is the landlord at the Lausée Manor Apartments. Are you moving away from my apartment house? Yes, sir. Thanks very much. Oh, I know why he said that. He's got a grudge. The day he showed us the furnished apartment, three Pekingese were crawling over the bed, see? My uncle's mirrored side and he says, good guys, get the exterminator and rippling. Say, Red, I've got a good name for this Wednesday night program. Oh, tell me about it later. Right now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to introduce a new feature on Avalon Time and keeping with the season, we're going to give you the latest football joke. You're talking about me, Mr. Skippling? That's right. And here he is, folks, the all-American sway back, Mickey Appalus. He's the brother of Minneapolis. Or is it Annapolis? Oh, no, not Annapolis. That's what everybody's singing about. You know, Annapolis for the teachers. Uh, Appalus, uh... Tell us something about football, will you? Oh, football? Step on the side cell of the microphone, please. And listen to the great all-American three-quarters back. Three-quarters back? I thought you were a fullback. Well, at those times, I was one of the dead-end kids. How can I forget the time we were playing Notre Dame in the Billy Rose Bowl? During the first half of the game, I'm suffering with athlete's foot. The step was so much in my face. Somebody ought to yell, Roast Beef on Ryan, get that guy out of here. Well, uh, tell us, what was the biggest thrill in the game? Well, the time it was, it went only 10 seconds to play. The central part of the ball, I dive through the line, straight-arming the guards and ticklets. Suddenly, I'm in the clearing. I pass the 40-yard line. The 40, the 20, the 20, the 10. Cross the goal. Too bad I didn't have the ball. Goodbye, Mr. Skilling, I have to intercept the pass to Menti. Well, next week, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to have... There's a man outside, and he wants five bucks for moving your stuff. Oh, gee, I forgot all about that. No, I haven't got any money on me. Say, who can I put the fight on for five bucks? Boy, did they clear out of here fast. Everything seems to be touch-and-go. Oh, Bob's wrong still here. Say, Bob, uh, how are you, old pal? Okay. Can you lend me five bucks? Oh, I'm sorry, Red. I haven't a cent with me. And at home? Oh, they're all fine, thank you. Yeah. Well, it looks like I'm in... Well, I bet that's that moving man. Well, look, fella, I tried to get the... Well, are you the moving man? Well, I ain't a Green Bay Packer. Christian Carry Man. Oh, heavens, yes, Mr. Skelton. I work for the firm of Jitterbug and Susie Q Trucking. Our motto is, when we move, we move all over. Ah, you don't look husky enough to be a moving man, herky. Well, why not? I'm just bulging with muscles. I don't see any muscles bulging. Well, can I help it if they bulge inward? Here, you just take a look at my chest. It looks like a ward on a rubber band. Chest, uh, you call that a chest? Oh, good heavens, did that slip down again. I bet you can't lift anything heavier than a toy balloon. Oh, can't I? There was a grand piano to be moved, and just imagine me putting it right on my back and marching up three fights of stairs with it. Just imagine. You did that, Herky? No, but just imagine it. I thought so. Say, what did you lift in my place? Well, confidentially, Mr. Skelton, after seeing the condition of your apartment, the first thing I lifted was an eyebrow. Well, uh, we won't go into that now, Herky. Look, I'm shy five bucks on the bill. Oh, don't worry about it. There's no use for both of us to worry. And I refuse to stand here all day over a hot argument. I gotta go now, because there's a lot of moving to be done. Heave no self! Oh, that's that good ol' Herky. They've read about the name I've got for the show. Oh, yes, and what is it? Well, folks used to go to the movies on Wednesday for bank nights. That's right. But now that you're on the air, they can stay home and call it bunk nights. That's good. Uh, play some music, will you, Bob? Last week, Avalon Time introduced the four pups. Here they are again, going to town on I Never Knew. I never knew that roses blue Or if skies were blue or gray I never knew when breezes blue What a summer breeze could do to me That all my dreams came true And took your cares away away away away I never knew what love could do Until I, my dreams would all come true Will all come true when we meet Well, I met you It seems I never knew when my dreams came true My dreams came true My cares this way My cares of what dreams came true Or what... Ladies and gentlemen, did you hear what the Swiss Alpine climber said about Avalon cigarettes? Well, he said, I smoke Avalon cigarettes I smoke Avalon cigarettes You'd never guess they cost you less You'd never guess they cost you less I save money with Avalon You said it, mister Yes, and everyone can save plenty of money with Avalons. They cost 3 to 5 cents less per pack than other popular price brands. And still, they're guaranteed positively highest quality. Give Avalons a trial tonight. Avalon time again takes pleasure in presenting Dick Todd and the Avalon chorus in one of the greatest of the western songs. The last roundup. I'm heading for the last roundup Known as saddle old pain for the last time And wrong little doggie Get along, get along The far away ranch of the ball in the sky The strays are counted in Brandon Come to our slice of life. A short playlet about things that happen in everyday life and I'm sure this one has happened to someone that you know. What's it about tonight, Skelton? Well, tonight's short playlet is about a young married couple who are financially embarrassed. That's a novelty. You set the scene, Bill. Okay, the time, payday, the place, somewhere in your hometown. Edna Stillwell plays the part of the young housewife and Red Skelton fits in nicely as the stale breadwinner. As the scene opens, she is waiting for him to come home with his very weekly paycheck. Listen. Well, I thought you'd never get home. Yeah, I'm like the Cicero bus. I don't care whether I make it or not. Besides, I had to stop at the pool room, get my check cash. Here's the money. I'll take a short walk while you count it. You stay right here. Now, let me see. 80, 85, 90. Say, don't you make $20 a week? Yes, ma'am. Well, there's only $19.90 here. What happened to that other 10 cents? Well, the dime, well, I bought two packs of chewing gum with one nickel. It was a sale. What about the other nickel? Well, the boss docked me a nickel. He took it out of my salary. The boss docked you a nickel? Yeah. What for? Well, yesterday, I got thirsty and made a mistake. I used his Dixie cup. Oh, yeah? I'll bet you've been to a nightclub with some other woman. Now, listen, the only thing you can get at a nightclub with 10 cents would be dishwater hands. Well, this wandering has got to stop. Don't you ever think of men? Oh, now, why don't you stop? You talk like you haven't any clothes or anything. Oh, I haven't any kick about the clothes you buy me. But it is a little embarrassing riding on a streetcar in a sarong. And listen. Yeah, I know just what you're going to say. Mr. Crabby Push from the misfit clothing store was here about the stuff I bought on credit. Yes. He left just before you came in. But how'd you know? Well, when I was coming up the walk, I heard something inside the house, and I figured it was either him or Custer's last stand. Well, he sure was mad. Did you see him leave the house? Yeah, I thought he was flying pretty low. Ah, but this is the end. That's the straw that broke the Avalon's back. I'll never buy anything on credit from that firm again. You're telling him. Gee, it seems like we owe everybody, don't it? You think it'll be all right if I smoke my after-dinner cigarette now? No, I don't see how you can. The payments do on the electric icebox. Yeah, that's right. Gee, I'm sorry I bought that box. I bought an electric icebox to keep the iceman away, and now he delivers bread. Did you fix the car? How can I fix it? It cost three dollars to fix that car, and that ain't ten. Well, if it ain't, why do you always crank it with a can opener? Yeah. Now, let's quit gabbing. I'll fix the dinner. Yeah. I think we're gonna have steak. You think? Yeah. If my horse comes in. Yeah. Well, a fine thing. Here I am down to my last bottle of wine tonic. And you're out throwing money away on those hay burners. Listen, soapbox, if you'll only stop yelling, I'll tell you something. Better be good, and in my favor. Well, I've got an idea how we can get some money to pay our bills. No, no. I ain't gonna be a bootlegger again. No. Take it easy. Keep your tattletail gray on. Just look at this adversity. Look, here in the morning paper, it says, do you need money? If so, come and see us. No references, no cosigners. Just a... Just a personal letter from the president in your right eye. No, silly. Just your signature. Yeah, let's see. Yeah, open Saturdays and Sundays. Whoa, let's get a helping of that. Come on, let's go. We'll borrow enough money to pay everybody off, and that way we'll only owe the finance company. That's a good idea, huh? I'm smart, boy. That's what you call high finance. Yeah, for low-brow. Yeah. All right, let's go. See, I've never been in this building before. I wonder where that try-and-get-it loan company is. Oh, this is it right here. Now, look, when we get inside, you let me do the talking. Okay. Uh-uh, be careful. Don't break the web. Yes, I'm the man in charge of the loan department. Been in charge for 60 years. Now, don't stop me. I know I don't look that old. I look so young because I live a good, clean life up to the age of six. How much? Well, $200. What have you got for security? That's paid for. Well, I've got my wedding ring. Where is it? On the finger that's turning green. Well, who have you got to act as co-signer? Oh, wait a minute. The ad in the paper says money loaned on your signature only. That's right. Yes, that's right. And which one are you, Margot or Rockefeller? You look like honest kids now, Ham. I'm going to give you the money. $200, wasn't it? That's right. And all you have to do is pay me $8 a week per year. Okay. $8 a week? Well, that's over $400. Yeah, that's over $400. Oh, that's all right. I'm satisfied with my 1%. Now you just sign this legal paper. Well, legally, am I, if I take a look at it, you know, I work for the law firm of do we cheat them in how? Oh, what is it? Oh, it's nothing important. He just bent in two to one that we can't pay. Avalon cigarettes cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. But you positively could not get finer quality tobaccos in any other cigarette, regardless of price, regardless of brand. Try Avalons just once. That trial will tell you more in a thousand words from me. Well, it will prove to you that Avalons have unsurpassed quality. Get a pack of Avalon cigarettes tonight. Well, I guess they're all set to hickory dickory doggies. Yeah, any minute we'll be getting our weekly layoffs. Yeah, look, Del, I got a date tonight. Could you lend me five bucks? Well, what security have you? The word of a gentleman. Okay, but first bring the gentleman around. Okay. Oh, what's the use? Good night, everybody. I'll see you next week. Goodbye now. Remember, friends, during the week when you asked for Avalon cigarettes. Don't forget your change. Yes, you'd never guess, but Avalons cost only ten cents plus city or state tax. Well, friends, we hope you've enjoyed our show and be with us next Wednesday night at this same hour when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation again presents Red Skelton, Dick Todd, Edna Stillwell, and the entire gang in Avalon time. This is Del King saying good night. A special announcement for pipe smokers. Men, try Sir Walter Raleigh, the quality pipe tobacco of America. Sir Walter Raleigh is the unanimous choice of millions of hard-to-please smokers everywhere. It's the largest selling pipe tobacco in the Army, in the Navy, on American college campuses. Yes, everywhere you find men who know and appreciate quality smoking. If you want the very best possible smoke your pipe can give you, try Sir Walter Raleigh. This is the National Broadcasting Company.