 I think one of the frustrations most women experience in the dating marketplace is a lack of commitment from men, a lack of actually progressing the relationship forward, especially once two people have been intimate with one another. So today I want to lean into this conversation of how to progress the relationship forward, how to create that momentum where you actually build something significant. So this morning, my sweetheart and I, there's a picture of Marie and I while we were in Acapoco, we're talking about what decision-making process did she use to move in with me? And so we were in a long distance relationship and she lived in Chicago, I live in Los Angeles and we chose to actually progress the relationship by moving in together. And I was kind of having this conversation with her about like what was involved in your decision-making process. And what she said was that she felt that she could trust me, which I thought, well, you know, we have technically, while we knew each other for over a year before we first physically met, it was a rather short decision-making process from the time we physically met till the time we actually decided to move in together. And so in that space of time, that very short space of time, did she feel that she trusted me? So we kind of took those, we kind of peeled the onion a little bit more on what it was that she actually felt a level of trust. And I'm gonna apply this to men as well as applying it to how she made this decision process. She said she felt she trust me. This is because we've had, or I initiated some very deep conversations. I initiated some very intimate conversations. I initiated some very vulnerable, authentic and transparent conversations early in the process. And what that did, because we didn't have surface-level conversations, and most of you know I jokingly say, the surface conversations are things like, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. It seems like most couples these days spend more time talking about the specifics of their day instead of those deeper conversations that builds intimacy in a relationship. And if you're not familiar with the book Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, here's a copy of the book. And by the way, all the books I recommend are listed below. Why I recommend reading this book is to understand what true intimacy is. Now in the dating marketplace, especially for those of us in midlife, roughly about 75% of people over 45 years old are divorced. And so when they put themselves back out in the marketplace to meet people, in many cases they are still in the midst of a divorce. They're still in the midst of contentious relationship with someone previously. Or they might have had multiple short-lived relationships after a divorce that might be longer. And what oftentimes happens is two people begin to bond in their emotional trauma, discussing their past relationships. I'm gonna repeat that. They tend to bond in their emotional trauma of their past relationships. And for a lot of women, they hear a man expressing their frustrations in their past relationships. They view that as vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. They view that as actual intimacy building with a partner, okay? Well, there is some level of intimacy that is built when you're sharing your problems from the past. And yet there's not actually a lot of growth that happens in sharing your problems. All it is is a venting mechanism that doesn't build true intimacy. So to progress the relationship forward, coming back to what she said, she felt like she could trust me. Well, how did we get to that level of trust? Well, as I've shared this in many videos, we were radically honest with one another, and I'll talk about that in a second. We laid our cards on the table and we established what I call the rules of engagement. Okay, so radical honesty. Radical honesty is speaking your truth from a heart-centered place. In my book, I talk about chapter one. Chapter one of my book, Speak Your Truth, Do It With Kindness. And chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. By the way, my book, What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway, isn't a dating and relationship book. It's a book about personal development, self-help, and spiritual work. Speaking your truth, that's what radical honesty is from a sincere place. Now, what might be your truth? Your truth might be that you had a contentious relationship in the past. Okay, you get that, that's part of your truth. But true truth these days, true vulnerability comes from sharing fears, comes from sharing shame, comes from sharing judgment, comes from sharing resentment, comes from sharing guilt. That's where true intimacy, true vulnerability lies when you can actually share the things that might make you feel ashamed, might make you feel weak, might make you feel less than. The reality is the number one emotional health issue facing most everybody is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable. Most everyone is experiencing that on some level. So what's the benefit of doing this? Well, I want you to think about this for a second. Isn't it fascinating that two people will have sex together and barely have any trust, any vulnerability, very little sharing of the intimate parts of who you are. And yet to me, physical intimacy, sex is one of the most intimate things you can do. And yet today, physical pleasure and the desire for romance in the early stages of dating outweighs the real building of trust in a relationship. And while Jay Shetty says in his new book, it takes about 40 hours to get to know someone at a base level. I say it takes a hundred hours of face to face time just to reach level one of trust. And Jay goes on to say it takes about 200 hours to build a friendship with someone, 200 hours. And that is face to face, that isn't over the telephone. That's a lot of time. And yet people will have sex barely knowing someone, barely knowing someone for a few hours of their life. And so then you're caught behind the eight ball because now if you want to build emotional intimacy with someone, it's too focused on the sexual piece and not enough on the emotional piece. So if you want to progress the relationship forward, it's time to have laying your, I said radical honesty, laying your cards on the table. What does that mean? Talk about your past relationships and why they didn't go right and not from a victim perspective because many people throw the other person under the bus when they're sharing their past relationship but coming at it from a victor perspective, meaning what you learned, what positive things you learned about yourself in this past relationship and laying your cards on the table of what commitment looks like for you. What does a relationship look like for you? In our case, I talked about moving in together. She literally said, if this is going to work, we have to be in the same proximity with one another. We have to spend a significant amount of time together and while she took a big risk to do this, she felt and I felt that if this is going to work, it would require moving in together for it to work. Now I'm not recommending that and I'm certainly not recommending that you do your due diligence about a person. I mean, you do what you can to find out as much about the background about this other person as you can possibly find out. That includes doing background check. That includes meeting their family, meeting their friends, find out as much about this person as you possibly could. She and I did that in the early stages and then I said the rules of engagement, what that means is laying out a framework of how this relationship is going to progress. But Jonathan, that's going to turn men off. Ladies, if you're going to give your physical body to someone, you have every right to establish the rules of engagement, what it is you want, the standard of what you're looking for and how you would like that to progress. Now that's going to turn off 90% of men. Yeah, maybe 95% of men, maybe 99 out of 100 men. But the reality is, is if you're turning them off early, you're avoiding yourself problems down the road because how serious is a man if he's not willing to engage in these deeper conversations? How serious is a man? Now, and again, you're getting to know each other in the dating process. I get that. But when you're getting to know each other on a surface level, it's going to take forever for a man to actually bond with you. If you want to establish trust early on and have radically honest conversations, lay your cards on the table and the rules of engagement are simply, if we're going to have physical intimacy with one another, this is the type of relationship I need before I do that. And if you're not willing to at least commit to it, then I'm going to find someone who does, okay? I actually, it's interesting, she and I watch reality TV, mostly for kind of a social science project of understanding human behavior. In some of these reality shows, many of the couples who have met blind, like married at first sight or love is blind, they actually are required to live together for 30 days. Now, what's interesting about that is you truly get to know another person when you live with them. I mean, honestly speaking, you really don't know a person until you actually live with them. That's the reality of it. Because when you're living separate lives, especially those of you that engaged in long distance relationships, you don't know what's going on in their day-to-day life because you physically can't see that. It's interesting, Marie and I were talking this morning about another couple who had only been dating for three or four months when they decided they wanted to move in together. They spent a significant amount of time together to build trust. They spent a significant amount of time together in the early stages, participating in social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork-building skills together, both physical and emotional intimacy that led for them to make the decision after dating for four months and they eventually moved in together a few months after that. Now they've been together over a year. Now, is that a guaranteed recipe for success? No, but you know what? The current dating process is a long drawn out version of what I call friends with benefits. It's simply, and it's not even really good friends with benefits, it's kind of an okay friend with sex because deeper intimacy wasn't involved in the progression of the relationship. So if you wanna progress the relationship forward, I invite you to practice what I teach in my private coaching. There's a link right there to my private coaching. This is something I help you and if you need support with that, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. We work on establishing your rules of engagement. We work on the radically honest questions you should be asking based on your personality to determine if you're a fit for one another. And then as I work with you, I encourage you to lay your cards on the table. Folks, I know it's frustrating out there. You want a life partner, dating sucks and the odds are against you. I get it. My job is to help put those odds in your favor. This is why I get calls each week from women to work with me. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy and they know the difference. And I'm encouraging you to approach this dating marketplace intentional with a strategy and in your sovereignty, in your self-worth, your self-esteem and most importantly, self-respect because many of you are operating from a lack of self-respect and all that's going to do is progress the unhealthy relationships in your life. And that's why I encourage self-love in your practice as well. All right, I think I've covered a lot. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below if this resonated with you, if you have something to add. As always, if you find value in the group, please tell your friends about Midlife Love Mastery, send them to my website, jonathanaslate.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm gonna sign off this video as I always do before I burp with giving myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Bearer hug. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give itter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now, bye.