 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First a word from RCA Victor. The concert hall comes right into your living room when you play new orthophonic high fidelity recordings on a Victrola high fidelity phonograph. For example, listen to this beautiful selection from the New World Symphony by Dvorak. But now you can hear it as it's never been heard before. RCA Victor has just released a new orthophonic recording of the New World Symphony, conducted by the maestro himself, Arturo Toscanini, with the NBC Symphony Orchestra. It brings you complete range, brilliant sound and the mastery of Toscanini's baton. And you can hear it best on the instrument designed to play it best. RCA Victor's high fidelity Victrola phonograph. Only RCA Victor, with the world's most experienced recording engineers, brings you a table model instrument with a professional type Olsen design 8-inch speaker, a silent 3-speed changer, a perfectly balanced pickup and amplifying system, all in a cabinet little more than a foot high. For Hi-Fi, at its thrilling best, hear Toscanini's recording of the New World Symphony on a high fidelity Victrola table phonograph by RCA Victor, first in recorded music. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Phil Harris, who is usually the picture of robust health, isn't feeling so chipper today. He woke up this morning with a pain in his side. The pain has persisted, so he and Elliot have gone down to the Encino steam bath to see if a heat treatment won't help it. Curly? Huh. Well, I don't want to get personal. But me and all the other guys in this steam room haven't got any clothes on. What about it? What's that thing you're wearing? Look, Elliot, my mother taught me to be modest at all times. Yeah, but aren't you overdoing it? What is that thing you're wearing? I got it at an army store. It's a surplus wigwam. Well, I don't want to spoil your day, Hiawatha. But it's a little saggy around the shores of Gichigumi. I don't care what anybody says. Oh, there it is. Oh, that pain in my side again. What's the matter, Curly? Is he getting worse? Yeah. Hey, Elliot, it feels like somebody's stuck a knife. Hey, Curly, you better get out of here and go right home. Yeah, this pain ain't getting any better. Come on. All right. Now, Phil, you keep that ice pack on your side and we'll see if the pain doesn't ease up. Well, Alice, I can't just lie here like you're not using ice cubes in there, are you? I told you time and time again until we get a box that makes a dozen every five seconds to stop using the ice cube. Look, Alice, I got too many things to do. There it goes again. Oh, honey, this is getting serious. Those pains aren't natural. I'm going to call the doctor. Hey, Alice, you're going to do nothing of the kind. It's nothing. Besides, I've never had a sick day in my life and I'm going to be all right. I wouldn't take any chances, Curly. It could be appendicitis. That's impossible because I've already had my appendix removed and I can prove it. I've got an incision three and a half feet long. Three and a half feet long? They took out my tonsils at the same time. Bill, why do you tell stories like that? Well, it's true. Then why doesn't the scar show? Because the doctor was very clever. He not only was a surgeon, he also did French weaving. You know, Curly, I've been reading a medical book lately and the way these pains keep repeating, you've got all the symptoms of arterial multiple occlusions of the diaphragm flippothoodies. Are you sure? I'm almost positive. You better do something right away. But what? Call up Clyde McCoy and see if he can play taps. Fine. Good. Look, I got a little pain, so what? It'll go away. Now, nobody's going to talk me into being sick, so you might as- I need to be home. I've run the groceries. All right, good. Hi, Mr. Lewis. Hi, Miss Faye. What are you talking about? Who? You! That doesn't feel very well. Why, Miss Faye, that was inevitable. You making them cracks about me being so ancient. I'm not that old. Well, there goes again. What's the matter? Mr. Harris has a pain in his side. What? Now, why in the world should I call a brain surgeon? Oh, I don't know. He isolated the influenza germ? How'd he do it? He'd just taken it. Oh, oh, by all means. He's took an x-ray picture of me. You should see the people who've seen that picture. Oh, did he have it published in the medical journal? No. My side really hurts. You know what you need, Curly? You need something to take your mind off of this. Maybe if I told you a story or something. Okay, tell me a story. Tell me a story. Maybe it might help. Let me see now. I know what I'll do to cheer you up. I'll read you something out of the paper, Curly. Hey, the obituary column is really jumping to that. Stop. Why should I want to read the obituary column? Why, Curly, if you're going to go on a trip, there's nothing like knowing who the other passengers are. All right. Oh, my side. Did you tremble? Did you tingle? Did your heart begin to jingle like a pocket that was loaded full of dimes? Did you like it when you did it? If you did it, then admit it. Did you have such wonderful times? Did you ever, did you ever, did you ever get that thrill? Did you ever, did you ever, did you ever feel your heart stand still? I don't care who held you tightly. I don't care who saw you nightly. Oh, who shared your kiss? But did you ever, did you ever, did you ever love life? Did you ever, did you ever feel your heart? I don't care who saw you nightly. Oh, who shared your kiss? Did you ever, did you ever taken two pain reliever pills but I haven't helped them modern pills are nowhere I better go back to that old reliable remedy that my grandmother used to use Dr. Kikapu's old Indian elixir of alfalfa and juniper flavored octopus milk boy was it great it could have become a wondered drug but they couldn't find anyone with nerve enough to milk an octopus I thought that it'd get more than that there goes again hello dad what happened son now let's do in the cooking again wrong with me dad I got this this terrible pain in my side yeah that's the trouble with women today they just won't give a man plain food they're always cooking up something fancy oh oh that's the way I feel about a time you know what we had for dinner last night another one of your mother's fancy dishes she called it rabbit surprise rabbit surprise the part I got look bewildered hey dad what am I gonna do about this pain well might not be a bad idea to ask your mother she loves your son I know she does dad back the time when you were a little boy and you got down in the cellar and you ate all of those dried apples doctor said not to give you any water you'd swell up and die mother gave you all the water you want it she loves your son don't forget to wire or some flowers for mother's day no I won't say dad let me ask you something when I ate all of those dried apples did I swell up like a good year blimp son you floated into the next county with it hadn't been for me I stabbed you with a nice pick every hour on now I love you too son thanks dad yeah I ought to be going along well wait a minute dad you haven't told me what you thought I ought to do about this pain in my side what was that well son why don't you get in touch with fete Smith she's always nice to fall back on facts dad that's all right son anytime she nobody seems to realize just how serious this thing might be except Alice and she's taken it too seriously I think I'll take another one of them pills not no no I won't it might put me to sleep and then Alice will call dr rando and and and then dr rando will take me to hospital and and operate on me oh no I mustn't go to sleep I mustn't I must I mustn't go to sleep I must Dr. Rando wanted in surgery. Dr. Rando, in surgery please. Wait a minute, wait a minute, where am I? What am I doing in this big white room? Why am I lying on this long white tape? What are they going to do to me? What do you like to know? Now hold on, who are you? I'm your favorite doctor, Dr. Rando. And we're going to operate. See, I have my gloves on. But Doctor, those are boxing gloves. You're wearing boxing gloves. Oh, stop nagging. Now let me see if I have everything for the operation. Oh yes, there's my equipment, everything I need. A tennis shoes, lunch pail, toothbrush, welding helmet and my cigarette. Cigarettes? Don't worry. They're wet proof, wet proof, wet proof gloves. Now you wait a minute. Now you listen to me, Doc. I didn't ask anybody to operate on me. I don't know how I got here, but there's one thing I do know. Nobody's going to touch me with a knife. Did you buzz to me, Doctor? Yes, I did. Nurse, this is my wife, Alice Faye. Alice, what are you doing here? You must have me mixed up with someone else. I'm a nurse. Alice, what's the matter with you? Don't you recognize me? I'm Phil, Phil Harris. I've heard of you. You told me you were looking for a girl singer with your orchestra. I sing and dance a little on the side. Listen to this. Somebody batched on the wedding bell. Now nobody can get married. Who stung the ding-dong? Who stung the ding-dong? Who stung the ding-dong? Wait a minute, wait! What's all that business with the hips? What's the matter, Big Daddy? Ain't you never heard of power steering? Sure, but watch it. You're bending your curb-feeler. Don't understand this whole thing. Now what am I doing here in this hospital? Who brought me here? I know I had a little pain in my sideburn. Good evening, Dr. Randall. Oh, my colleague, Dr. Lewis. Elliot, well, thank heavens that you're here. Now, Elliot, tell him this whole thing is a mistake. Tell him that I... There, there, there, my good man. Doctor, I see our patient has a slight case of hysteriosis noncopicementis, more commonly known as loss of faith in one's doctor. That's what I've got, Clyde. Where do you get off to think that you're going to operate on me? Tut, tut, tut, tut. I'm quite qualified. Here's a book I wrote on surgery. Who wrote a book on surgery? Let me see that book. Mm-hmm. How to perform a major surgical operation on the kitchen table. Or, Mother, there'll be one less for dinner tonight. Now that you guys got the wrong pigeon... Hold him, Doctor. Hold him. Nurse. Let's have no violence here. Well, I guess we're ready to proceed with the operation just as soon as we get some relative to sign the release. Yes, in case something drastic happens to the patient. Something drastic? Oh, yes. We may look intelligent, but we goof all the time. I'll tell you something, Doctor Arthur Rando. You will never get me to sign that paper. And what's more, you're not going to get anybody I know to sign it because I won't let them. I'd be glad to sign your paper, gentlemen. Dad. Dad. You can't do this to me. Son, I know right at the moment you're frightened, but when the whole ordeal is over, you're going to be glad you went through with it. I hope it's a girl. What? I'll wire you some flowers on Mother's Day. Doctor Rando, I'll admit I'm stumped. He's OMI. That's why I sent for the eminent German specialist, Dr. Erlich Guggenheim of Vienna. This should be he now. You're going to operate? You are, Dr. Guggenheim, but where are your instruments? I don't got... You don't got no instruments. Somebody, please help me. Will you please? Sorry, Doctor, but the patient refused to disrobe. Well, Dr. Guggenheim has only one thing to do. We'll have to operate right through the flap and his wigwam. I need to assist, Doctor. This is the part I like. Oh, nurse. Yes, Doctor. In nurse, we must be antiseptic. I've been on this business since little Tommy. Okey-dokey, Doc. Not nail polish. I even get an anesthetic. Chicken. While I make a teensy-weensy incision on your tonsy-whumsy. Are you going to take out first, Doctor? I don't know. It all looks so good. Dr. Guggenheim. Scabbull. I'll go put a couple more nickels in the parking meeting. Wait a minute. You guys look here a minute. I've been on this operating table long enough. When are you going to finish, anyway? There we are. The last stitch, you're all sewed up again. How long does that take, nurse? Well, I'll take a look at the... Oh, good heavens! The clock is gone! The clock is gone! The clock is gone! The clock is gone! The clock is gone! Where is it? Oh, these things happen all the time! Oh! Hey, don't you worry about the clock. We can buy another one. You mean the clock? Oh, no. Oh, you can't do this to me. The clock, you can't do this to me. You can't... Huh? What? Hey, Curly, Curly, you've been having a nightmare. Can I get you a glass of water? Don't touch me, you double-crosser. Are you either, Alice? They just operated on me in a hospital, and neither one of you raised a hand to help me. Fail. What's more, they sewed me up after the operation, and they left the clock inside of me. A clock? Yes. Oh, no. Don't you understand, Phil? The whole thing was just a dream. I'm telling you, it was not a dream. It was real. Oh, I give up. Come on, Ellie. There's no use arguing with him when he's like this. Yeah, a clock. See you later, Curly. Huh. Yeah. Well, sure. Of course it was just a dream. It sure seemed real while I was dreaming it. Imagine. Just imagine a couple of doctors leaving the clock inside of me. That's rich. Leaving the clock inside would just... Now, if I can just figure out a way to wind it. Hey, Curly, you're looking mighty handsome today. I cut, Elliot, cut. I'm not lending you any more of Alice's hard-earned money. You'd do me an injustice, pal. Well, what do you want, then? Well, I heard you got a terrific new secretary. And what a beauty. Then how about an introduction for an old pal? Absolutely. Elliot, meet my new secretary. Hey, that ain't a she. That's the new RCA push button tape recorder. Yep, and it's the best secretary anyone could have. Why, with this wonderful tape recorder, a businessman can make complete records of important meetings, use it to practice speeches. It's a great investment. Phil's right. The new RCA push button tape recorder is a good investment for business, and for pleasure too, because you can use it as a family album. Record the happy moments that'll be doubly precious years from now. Ask your dealer to demonstrate the low-cost RCA push button tape recorder. This is Phil again. Accidents don't happen to the other fellow. The chances you may take every day can make you a potential victim. You can't afford to be a careless driver, so drive carefully. Thanks, and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe were Frank Nelson and Dick LeGrand. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network presentation. Does your radio sound like this? Does the volume fluctuate? Is there an annoying hum? If your radio has any of these symptoms, the trouble may be a weak or worn-out tube. So have your local service technician install dependable new RCA tubes. Experts will tell you, RCA tubes give the best performance. Remember to hear Can You Top This, which follows John Cameron Swayze and the news. One of the regular features on the NBC radio network.