 Re-Avident Costello program. Listen to the great rhythms of Will Osborne and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haynes. And that dumpy, dumpling-head little diplomat, who, when he heard that Mussolini and Hitler were dead, had this to say. Let's all take a ride with Connie Haynes on a trolley car. With my high starch collar and my high top shoes and my hair, I've had fun my hair. I went to lose a jolly, I'll turn the trolley on instead. With his light brown derby and his bright green tie, he was quite the handsomeness of me. Ding, ding, ding, went the bell, ding, ding, went my hard stream. For the month bump went the break, I could feel the car shake. He stepped his head to see, he said he hoped he hadn't stepped up on my feet. He asked mine, scared me half to death, he started to leave, I took hold. It's about time you got here. Costello, you're getting dumber every day. I think you could tell everything you know in five minutes. I could tell everything the fourth of us know and it wouldn't take any longer. Never mind that, Costello. You've been acting very peculiar since we started our picture at the MGM. This is going to kill a lot of people. Yes, I'm afraid you're getting very conceited. I am not conceited. I'm the same talented, lovable, high class big shot I've always been. I was right, you are stuck up. Why yesterday, you even autographed one of your own pictures and to yourself. Well, I had to do it, Abbot. I always wanted a picture of me. What did you write on that picture? With love, from one handsome guy to another. Costello, you are a swell-headed, pompous egomaniac. Abbot, I wish you'd tell that to my scout master. Why? He thinks I'm a jerk. Oh. Costello, you are becoming impossible. Everybody at the studio is talking about you. Yeah, but they're all saying nice things. Yeah, I wonder. Sylvan, Simon, Martin, Garshall. They're all speaking so nice of me. Just yesterday, Margot O'Brien paid me a compliment. Margot O'Brien is just a little child and I heard what she said to you. You did? Yes, Margot O'Brien said you had a face that only a mother could love. Yeah, but did you ever see your mother? Woo! Costello. Banana! You know, the way you've been chasing the girls at the studio set is disgraceful. Those actresses don't want to be bothered with you. You're not the romantic type. Oh, is that so? Well, Julie Garland, she thinks I'm a great romantic lover. She said I reminded her of Rooney. Julie Garland said you reminded her of Rooney. Well, she didn't use them words, but she said every time I kissed her it was like getting a Mickey. Listen, Costello, you're a comedian. You'll never be a lover in pictures with your face. Now, what's wrong with my face? I'm getting prettier every day. I'm getting so pretty that I'm even making my own mother jealous. Oh, Costello, how could you make your mother jealous? She looks at me and gets jealous at your mother's. Costello, no, nobody is jealous of you. Why, even your new girl, Mabel Mustard Plaster, doesn't give a hoot about you. Is that so? Yes. Well, it so happens, Abbot, that Mabel Mustard Plaster is stuck on me. Last night, her... I don't get it. It so happens that last night, her and me sat in front of the fireplace and watched the coals turn red. Do you know what made those coals turn red? Nothing that we was doing. And I locked her up. Tell me, Costello, when you first met Mabel, were you infatuated? No, but she was about half plastered. Costello, you don't understand. I mean when you started to woo Mabel, were you smitten? Oh, certainly I was smitten. We were both smitten. You don't think I was standing up to you? No, no, no. Oh, you idiot. I was smitten like my... Please, I didn't say smitten. I said smitten. When you held hands with Mabel the first time, were you smitten? No, sir. You weren't smitten. No, when I hold hands with a girl, I don't wear no smitten. Now look, Costello, I'm only trying to find out how you feel about Mabel Mustard Plaster. Now, if you were smitten with a girl, you might hanker for her. Did you ever hanker for her? I even hankered with her. Oh, nice. You sapped. How could you hanker for a girl? Well, it happened last Sunday, Abbot. Mabel and I got in a row boat and rode way out to the end of the point. And we hankered there all day. Boy, did we have fun. I wasn't even wearing my smitten. It wasn't cold. No, no, no. No, Costello, you're confusing the issue. You're talking about hankering a boat and I'm talking about hankering for a girl. Now, hankering is like yearning. Tell me, are you yearning for Mabel? No, sir. I'm yearning for myself and my father. You yearning for yourself and your father? Yeah, I make $20 a week and my father takes half of what I yearn. No. Costello, when I say yearn, I don't mean earn like it. In earning, I mean yearn like in yearning. And to yearn, you must be smitten. If you are smitten, that constitutes infatuation. Oh, when you say yearn, you don't mean earn like in earning. You mean yearn like in yearning. And to yearn, you must be smitten. If you are smitten, that constitutes infatuation. Now, you've got it. Now, I don't even know what I'm talking about. Costello, forget about being a dramatic actor. You'll never be a success of the ladies. Oh, no. Well, for your information, Mr. Rabbit, there's a dozen women in Hollywood tearing their hair out just to have a date with me. Well, why don't you go out with them? Who wants to go out with bald-headed women? Oh, get me out of here. Folks, last week at rehearsal, a young fellow walked in the studio and started singing. And nobody stopped him. Up until a short time ago, he was an aerial gunner in a B-17. And nobody stopped him there, either. And after you folks hear him tonight, I don't think you'll ever want him to stop. Ex aerial gunner Bob Matthews with Will Osburn and the orchestra sing I Should Care. I Should Go. I've made up my mind. What do you mean? I ain't gonna act. No more comedy pictures, no more. I'm too pretty to be hanging off the back of fire wagons, getting basketballs bounced off of my head and having oyster squirtin' milk in my pussy. Oh, calm down. No more. Calm down, Costello. Never mind. Listen, no more of that. Now, look, you're a comedian. You can be a dramatic actor. That takes training and background. Oh, I got that, Abbott. My whole family was high-class actors. My Aunt Minnie was a fan dancer. A fan dancer? Yeah, and one time when Aunt Minnie was doing a fan dance, a mouse ran across the stage and my Aunt Minnie dropped her fans. And what happened? The mouse fainted. Did they get rid of the mouse? Huh? Did they get rid of the mouse? No, he had a ticket. They couldn't put him out. I love that. Costello, please, you don't understand. I'm talking about dramatic background like I've got. When I was 12 years old, I was with the Abbey players of Ireland. That's nothing. When I was 12 years old, I was with the Hookie players of Paterson. Come in. I beg your pardon. Which one of you is Luke Costello, the great actor? That's me. Mr. Costello, please, face my camera and give me a big smile. That's it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Costello. And don't forget to look in the paper tomorrow morning. Will my picture be in? No, but Dick Tracy's in a terrible mess. I'll bet that guy is Miesel's brother, Chicken Pucks. Hello, yes, this is about Abbott. Okay, I'll tell Costello. Hey, that was Universal Studios. They said they won't be able to complete our latest picture, the 1990s, until they are able to secure a dramatic actress to play the final scene. They said that Betty Davis, Catherine Hepburn, Joan Fontaine, and all the other dramatic actresses are busy and our picture will have to wait. Did they realize that this is a half hour program? Why, what's wrong? They said all that just now? Yes. We must be running overtime, brother. Never mind that. Costello, this is your big chance to prove your acting ability. I'm going to get you some women's clothes. Take you to the studio and we'll see if you're good enough to fool the director into letting you do the final scene. But they'll recognize me. They know all the dramatic actresses. Yes, but they don't know all the South American dramatic actresses. Oh, I get it. You want me to be another common veranda? That's common veranda. With my shape, it's veranda. Some people even think I'm a stoop. All right, look. Come on, Costello. I'll take you to Professor Mellonhead's School of Spanish Acting and have him coach you for the part. Welcome to the School of Spanish Acting, gentlemen. I'm Senior Mellonhead. Mellonhead. I've seen your Mellonhead around here for 10 weeks and it's starting to get right. Now, Costello. I'm surprised at you. Senior Mellonhead is a great artist. And what on the head? Well, where am I mixed up? Never mind. He said I was a... I got it. I got it. Thank you. Then why don't he paint? Never mind. I'm with the next line. What's the matter with my head? Your scalp runs all the way down to your heels. Is that so? Well, man, I'll have you know, Costello. Before I married my wife, I had hair as black as the ace of spades. Looks like your wife's pumped your waist. Mellonhead, was your whole family bald? No, not exactly. Of course, for many years, my mother did have a rat in her hair. That's no way to talk about your father. Castello, be quiet. Senior Mellonhead. Castello wants to play the part of a pretty Spanish girl. Now, can you coach him? Can I coach him? Gentlemen, I am the greatest authority on Spanish customs. Why? I've even been a bullfighter. In my native Spain, I used to enter the arena like a methador. I faced the bull like a picador, and I fought the bull like a toreador. And they carried you out like a cuspador. Shut up, Costello. Mr. Mellonhead. Yeah? Could you start Costello's lessons right now? Why, of course. I'll start his lessons immediately. Here. On this piece of paper is a simple Spanish phrase. Read it, please. Okay. Muches, gracious, amigo? No, no, no, no. Not gracious. That word is gracia. You see, in Spanish, the C is pronounced T-H. Gracia. You see? T-H. You see? Would your mind put your head some... Get over there! In Spanish, the T-H. In Spanish, it's pronounced T-H. That's right. It's a good thing we don't have that in English. Why? Can you imagine Bing Throsby taking Claudette Tolbert in a restaurant in order and three sapsasofi and three pieces of peltoned mustard pie? That's right. Oh, come on. Who writes this? I don't know. Look, let's talk sense. Let's talk sense, Costello. Come on. Let's get on with the lessons. Very well, Mr. Abbott. Now, Costello, we'll say that you, you are a lovely Spanish senorita. You meet a gay caballero at your fiesta. Now, when he sees you, he playfully clicks his castanets and then he bangs his maracas together. He does? Yes. And do you know what you do? Yeah, I hit him over the head with my fiesta. No. You do nothing of the sort. You invite him. Look, you invite him into your home and you cook him a delicious Spanish meal in your patio. Can you remember that? I can remember when I didn't have a patio to cook in. Now. All right. Now, Costello, while you're cooking the meal, the caballero strolls into your kitchen. He admires your frijoles. He slightly sprinkles, he slightly sprinkles cheese on your tortillas and then he pushes your enchiladas on the back of the hot stove. He wouldn't dare. He hasn't got the nerve. Just a minute. Just a... What's the matter, Costello? Melonhub, this time you have gone too far. I didn't mind when that cab driver clicked his gasket. I said nothing when he banged his bazookas together, right in my fiesta. But when you make him push my poor old enchiladas on the back of a hot stove, you have not only imputed on my good name, but you have cast a smirks on the good neighbor policy much as gracious without a TH and that's that. Oh, get him out of here. Lovely Connie Haynes brings one of the most popular songs of the day. With Will Osburn and the orchestra, Connie sings... Well, Costello, here we are at the studio. Now, remember, you're dressed like a Spanish lady, so act like one. And please, straighten up, you're all stooped over. I can't help it. It's a long pull from my gutter belt to my shocks. Quiet, quiet. Now, remember, Costello, it's your chance to prove to the director, Mr. Techniculovich, that you're a great actress. Come on. Ah, Mr. Rabbit, and who is this beautiful young lady with you? Mr. Techniculovich, allow me to introduce the famous South American actress, Luisa Costello. Ah, Sr. Techniculovich. What's wrong with her? The senorita does not speak English. Not a word. Mr. Rabbit, she is wonderful. She's the most beautiful girl I have seen since I left home. No wonder he left home. What? Senorita, a moment ago, you didn't speak English. I learned fast. Oh, senorita, you are ravishing. This is the first time I ever saw a leading lady. Stop looking at me with those eyes bright. But it's still the first time I ever saw a leading lady with muscles. Tonight, I will take you to dinner, yes? Yes. Then I'll take you to the theater, yes? Yes. And after that, I'll take you to my apartment, yes? No. Senorita, I have something to show you. I have etchings. You have etchings? Then scratch yourself, but I'm getting out of here. Come on, have it. This guy's got eczemia. No, no, no. Now, wait a minute, senorita. Mr. Technicolovitch is a great director. He can make you a star. I will give her the little bitch's touch. If he lays a finger on me, I'll scream. Woo! Lay the finger on me. We will make a scream test. Banana! Now, we will make a scream test immediately. Hey, Evan, this is what I've been waiting for. No more comedy for me. Nice, dignified acting. Now, we will take the scene. Senorita, this is a love triangle. You will play the part of the other woman. Why can't the other woman play her own part? Now, be quiet. I mean, I don't want to take some other poor woman's job away. Now, be quiet, please. I mean, but after all, I'm... Shut up! Now, the scene opens with you in the arms of your lover. Action. My fiery laugh and beauty. Let me put my arms around your waist. You think you can make it? You are so gorgeous. You have the kind of hair. I love to touch. You have the kind of eyes I love to gaze into. You have the kind of lips I love to kiss. You have the kind of throat that I love to touch. Cut! Senorita, you are too cold. Have you never been in love? What do you do when a man tries to kiss you? I belt him in a kisser. Will you be quiet? I mean, but I'm only trying to tell you that there's a limit. Now, continue the scene. Camera, action. You big, strong man. I'm going to kill you. You big, strong man. Let me take you in my arms. Senorita, please don't ban the actors. But I was only... Quiet! I mean, I was just... Quiet! I mean, after all... That is Sylvan Simon if I ever seen a guy. Now, the jealous wife comes in and catches you making love to her husband. Action. Captain Cheetah, where's my gun? Oh, wait a minute, Matilda. Put down that gun. Senorita and I love each other until death. You was part. And I think that's what's going to part us. Hey, Abbott, please take me back to funny pictures. Oh, you're doing great, Castello. You'll never have to do slapstick comedy again. No more rough stuff. No more falling down to get laughs. No more getting pies thrown into your face. But I quiet. He was only trying to... Shut up! Now, continue the scene. Camera. Oh, you fat, double-crossing husband stealer. I'll break this chair over your head. How can I bake for your husband? It's my pie. Disgraceful. Senorita. How do you like your experiences with a dramatic star? Abbott, you can have that dramatic stuff. I'll stick to scooking. What's scooking? Nothing much. What's cooking with you? Oh, get him out of here. Good night, folks. Good night. Armed Forces Radio Service.