 This is from my new novel, Faith and Fat Chances. My first novel was kind of intense, and so I decided to lighten it up a little bit, but I still couldn't help myself and decided that I would speak about people losing their land, and this happens to be a little fictitious section of Santa Fe that folks were gonna get kicked out and by a developer who happens to be from Santa Fe and the sister of one of the folks in his main character. And it's led by a very, very pushy, business-oriented, cussing, drinking curandera, and so her name is Peppa. This scene that I'm gonna read is, the mayor is corrupt and he's in cahoots, so he wants this to happen, right? And they decide they need a spy, and so they decide that they're gonna get somebody who's a little bit unfeminine looking to spy on the mayor. And so her name is Nina. Just lost my place. Sorry about that. Okay, so Nina needs help to become spy material to get a job in the mayor's office. And so she asked her friend, CL, who used to be a makeup artist and now works for a Buddha Center to help her. Nina knew CL still had talent for makeovers and handicapped by spiky hair, t-shirts, and jeans, she called up her friend who enthusiastically accepted the challenge. Luckily, Nina was skinny. Even more luckily, CL was sentimental, having stashed a number of skirts, heels, and blouses in the back of her closet. Rejoicing over the secret cache of femininity, Nina dove into the makeover. CL tossed in a black wig, makeup, and nail polish, transforming the tough-looking girl into a rough-looking diva. CL insisted that Nina wear heels and practice walking in them so she could climb stairs and sharpen pencils without wobbling. As a final touch, she gave Nina elocution lessons. From now on, at least around the mayor, you'll need to talk different. Why? I was still dressed in her high-fem outfit. Nina couldn't stop running her hands up and down her newly-shaped legs because you can't wear that get-up, CL said, pointing, and talk the way you do. The two of them were drinking ginger tea on CL's couch after the makeover. Nina noticed several Buddha books on the coffee table. Why not? She asked, holding out her hand to examine her nails. Because the two don't match, plus men like women who talk sexy. She paused to think, kind of like doves. Doves? The only thing doves do is coo. That's right. What do you mean that's right? Nina set her untouched tea on the coffee table, spilling it in the process. That's pretty much what I mean. CL grabbed the towel to sop up the mess. So, I want you to start talking sexy. Now, repeat these words after me. She closed her eyes, concentrated, then spoke. Hello, Mr. Mayor. Nina could only stare. CL opened her eyes. No, come on, I'm serious. If you really wanna get this guy, you gotta talk sexy. But I don't wanna talk sexy. I wanna talk, you know, well, like me. If he thinks it's sexy, then cool. If not, too bad, you know? Nina sipped her tea and made a face and looked around. You got any beer? No, now come on, you look fabulous. Zelle inhaled the tea's aroma. Half the population would sell their souls to look like you. But you'll spoil it if you talk the way you do. What's wrong with the way I talk? Tala likes it. Nina pushed the tea away. I think you just want me to talk like some of those Buddhistic people you hang with. Buddhistic people don't talk sexy. CL paused. At least not the ones I know. Look, I know Tala likes the way you talk. But men like the mayor usually don't go for women who talk well, like Cholas. Cholas, huh? But you trust me. I know what I'm talking about. You need him wrapped. She held up her pointer finger. And if you could just write, you'll get him that way. Look at it as acting. She patted Nina's hand. This totally sucks. Come on, Nina, just give it a try. Trust me. Hello, Mr. Mayor. Hello, Mr. Mayor. Nina rolled her eyes. No, no. It's hello, Mr. Mayor. CL tapped her knee for rhythm. Nina took a deep breath. She was starting to hate CL. OK, I'll try it again. Hello, Mr. Mayor. She looked at CL for approval. Something's off. CL said, staring at Nina's mouth. It's your tongue, that stud. It's got to go. What? That earring in your tongue. You need to pull it out. I can't just take it out. It's embedded. Nina crossed her arms and pouted. Just a minute. CL left in return with a couple tissues. Sorry, but it's blocking your diction. But I like it. Nina stared at the tissues. Plus, it'll leave a hole. And then if I eat or drink anything, it'll leak through. That's not true, and you know it. Now come on. Open up. CL tapped Nina's jaw. Let me unscrew it. I can't believe I'm letting you do this. Nina felt like she was donating a kidney. Hang on to the top part. CL gave Nina a tissue. Now roll up your tongue and I'll unscrew it. Nina went along only because she was trying to make it hard for CL. She'd taken the stud off by herself plenty of times. Triumphant, CL took both parts and set them on the tissue. Now try it again. Nina rolled her tongue around and gave CL a dirty look. I hope you know this is compromising my feminist ethics. CL laughed. This is only the beginning. Now come on. Nina swallowed a couple times and then cleared her throat. Hello. Hello, Mr. Mayor. Much better, CL said, clapping. Now say, I'm a little new at this, but I learn fast. Nina crossed her arms. You didn't say I had to play a dits. You're not playing a dits. You're playing a diva. I prefer one with brains. She reached under her wig to scratch her head. This thing itches like hell. Try not to do that. Nina finished scratching. OK? All right. Nina cleared her throat again. I'm a little new at this, but I learn fast. Well, perfect. You're unnatural. CL went to her bookshelf and pulled out hemming ways of farewell to arms. She opened the first chapter and gave the book to Nina. Now practice reading that paragraph. Nina looked at the cover. You've been keeping secrets? No, CL looked embarrassed. I would have thought maybe Alice Walker, Julia Alvarez, Linda Hogan, or Amy Tan, Reed, or even maybe Oscar Wilde. But Hemingway, just Reed, CL commanded. It's from a writing class. Nina eyed her friend, wondering what else she'd been hiding. She took a deep breath, then began reciting the lines in the coup d'oeuvre voice. In the late summer of that year, we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains. In the bed of the river, there were pebbles and boulders dry and white in the sun. And this is boring, CL. Reed. The water was clear and swiftly moving and blue in the channels. She looked up. Don't you think it sounds like I have a speech impediment? No. No. I want you to practice reading and talking like this for half an hour every day. The only way to get the voice down is to practice. If you need a model, think of Marilyn Monroe. But I hate her. Nina scrunched up her nose. And I especially hated how she talked. It doesn't matter, CL said. Men lost their minds. Their sense of reason around her. Even the most powerful ones. Remember? Yeah. Nina felt depressed. I risked my case. Nina practiced for a week without Tala around, so she wouldn't laugh at her. She got so good at the M-speak, she could yell, sing, or mumble without breaking cadence. At the end of the week, she invited Tala, CL, Peppa, and Camilo to her house for the unveiling. It was after dinner, the air only starting to cool. Chucho, Nina's shepherd mix, sniffed the guest as they arrived. He wasn't a friendly guy, except of course to Camilo, who had to put up with this stinky breath as a dog snuggled next to him. Nina served everyone beer, then retreated to the bedroom. As the guest visited and chatted, Nina changed clothes. 12 minutes later, she announced she was ready. Attention, please. CL stood up like a game show host. May I now introduce Ms. Nina Leshik Lopez. The door opened, and Nina stepped out, repackaged in black skirt, teal blouse, heels, and a sexy cabronna wig. Her eyebrows had been shaped into refined arches and her face tinted with a soft glow of foundation. She looked professionally stunning, like a cross between a newscaster and a soap star. Hello, Mr. Mayor. I was wondering if I might apply for a job here. Holy hell, said Tala, doing a double take. You got that right, echoed Camilo, who jumped back and startled the dog. Peppa grabbed the bridge of her nose, stifling the laugh. In case you forgot, it's still me, OK? Said Nina, looking around the room. Me, yeah, Tala fanned her crotch. You look, well, you look hot. Like you could be on TV, Camilo blurted. Oh no, she looks much prettier than what's on television, said Peppa. What a miracle, can I? Nina smiled, please. I'll tell you one thing. I sure as hell never thought I could look like this. She looked at Tala and grinned. Neither did I, Amor. Tala still looked at her dumbstruck. You're killing me. You look so fine. She cleared her throat and looked at the others in the room. That is in a classic oppressive to women kind of way. Right, Camilo added, petting the dog, completely without a feminist consciousness. Well, this is what we wanted, right? Seal asked, looking around. I mean, isn't she perfect, Mayor Bey? Peppa gave Nina the once over. Bueno, you better get ready, mujer, because from now on, you're going to have the mayor and have the town after you. Maybe Chucho can be your bodyguard, said Camilo, rubbing the dog's head. Wait, there's one more thing. See, I'll reach into her shoulder bag and pull out a bottle of Chanel, number five. Spray some of this on before going to work. Nina shook her head. Nicks on that, girlfriend. I'm in killer drag, and that's good enough. Plus, it happens to be what my mother wears. Your mother, my mother, and millions of other successful women use it, CL commanded. And I guarantee, it'll be the coup de gras. Coup de gras, for me, from smelling it all day, Nina took the bottle, opened it, and sniffed. Well, I guess it's not that bad, she said grimacing. She let Tala sniff it. Then Camilo, who sprayed some on the dog. Very funny, Nina grabbed the bottle back and offered it to Peppa. She shook her head, refusing to come close. Camilo sniffed the dog. He smells like he could get a boyfriend too. Five of them laughed. Thank you, sweetie, Nina said to CL. I know I kicked and screamed all the way through this, but you hung in there and made me a femme. Honey, I hate to break this to you, CL pulled Nina close, but you already are one. She smiled and gave Nina a hug. I just hope it works. Thank you.