 Let's be honest, a lot of us think that kind of hating your partner has to sound like this. But more often, it sounds like this. I lay in bed and I listen to my partner drink out of their water bottle and I'm just sitting there like fucking shaking. If you don't put that water bottle down. Truth is, along the way, most of us at least somewhat learned how to love, but few of us ever learned how to effectively cope with not loving everything about our romantic partners. And that's what this episode is largely about. And also, I have got to tell you why this topic is really, really right on time for me. So let's get into it. All of it. All right, let's talk about hating your partner sometimes, which is fine. Hating your partner sometime, which is fine. I feel like it would be weird if you didn't feel a sense of hate in a relationship. And that can be on many different levels of like, I lay in bed and I listen to my partner drink out of their water bottle. And I swear I can hear every molecule down their throat. And I, I'm just sitting there like fucking shaking. I'm like, if you don't put that water bottle down, you know, it's, I'll end you with it. It's some like simple stuff like that where I'm just like, and then there's some big stuff that you can be like, okay, we actually need to talk about this. At the beginning of the pandemic, my partner and I decided to move in with each other. What was the inspiration for the move in? Was it we're scared? Let's come together. Was it let's save money? Was it I love you so much. I want to spend more time with you. We were more afraid to be apart than we were to be together because at that time we didn't know really how the pandemic or COVID worked. If you are around someone, are we allowed to see each other? Are we just asking all these questions? So when we moved in, it was good. And the place that we found, honestly, I wish I could love it. It was so cute, but I can't. It was just the ugliest, perfect mix of shit. And it was like us only being in the house with each other, you know, and someone so easy to bounce anchor and frustration out and the fights that we would get into the struggles that we had. And it came to a point after March that we were going to move out from one another. And so 10 months, right? Yeah. Yeah. And honestly, at first I suggested it because of course I have to be that fucking bitch. Oh, and honestly praise anything that I said that because it's the best thing we've ever done. But that also immediately put us into a uncomfortable place of like, so if we move out, do we break up? No, we're going to stay together. This is going to work. I was not as confident as I sounded. I was more in a place where I'm not in control of this, you know, I'm going to do my part. I'm going to show up for me. I'm going to show up for you. And if that ends in us being together, beautiful. Are we supposed to always like our partners in order for it to be the right person? And are we giving a message to people who are in toxic relationships that if they don't like their person that that's okay. The difference to me was when I looked at Kate take away all that shit. I still had someone that believed in me, believed in us, supported me in my toxic relationships. I always felt like I was the therapist. I was the one pumping you up doing this, doing that. And what was I getting in return? Absolutely nothing. Just to even have a partner willing to understand my OCD willing to really be there, even after those terrible fights. I think when I look back at those, the things that made stuff toxic, I was in support. Okay, you really bring the tears out in a bitch. So for you, I'm hearing it was the circumstances that were the issue, not the connection. When you change the circumstances, the two of you moved out. What happened next? It was great. Honestly, after that weird part, after we kind of got established, it like I was the fact that I was driving to their house and like packing a bag and you know, making sure I had breakfast and going to their place. It felt like a spark all over again from like the first times that we started dating each other. Did you move out with a what if like let's see if this is better? I will say there was definitely the notion in my mind of like, is this really going to work out though? And we did let me also say this before we moved out, we had a very serious talk with each other of like, okay, we're not going to move out and just expect things are going to be different. Like yes, there was a lot of outside circumstances, but also we need to change some things within ourselves. Is there one aha that you can share? If Kate was feeling a certain way like hurt, it would be hard for Kate to tell me that because they were afraid of my reaction. So then that had to be spoken about in many different conversations of like, okay, one, it's really hard to put me in that corner of like, okay, now I have to react in a certain way knowing that you're afraid of that to also being a black woman and Kate is a white person, like you monitoring how I'm reacting to things isn't is a feeling the best I know that is not where they were coming from. I know this has to do with stuff before me. We don't really get taught conflict resolution ever, right? Anger management is for the person who hit a kid with their car. It's not for everybody else, but all of us have issues with anger to manage. And I remember being certain relationships where with those places of hurt, especially if you have pent up hurt. It's like a person who has their arm blown off and a person who has a missing leg coming together and being like my legs blown off. You're like, well, bitch, what about my arm? And then it now becomes an argument of like, who gets fixed first? And then meanwhile, both people just bleed out. We have to prioritize somebody. And I think in our relationship with Jared, I don't know if he subscribes this rule, but I often try to push it is like the person who comes with the problem gets prioritized. You can afterwards, we've solved my problem. Then you come and say, here's what you did that caused me or that could help me in the future. But the first thing is first, like if I'm the one who brought it up, then let's please work on my broken leg first. Someone's listening to this right now and they're in a place where they're in love with their partner, but out of like with their partner. What reflection points would you offer them? Take moments away. Whatever you can do, I would go on drives. I would listen to podcasts. I would go sit in my car in the parking garage, you know, to going and staying a weekend somewhere else. I went home for four months and stayed with my parents. Those moments alone to be like, okay, back to the drawing board. What are these things that I am benefiting from in the relationship? How am I being seen? What am I giving? Do those look somewhat equal? Do I think I could do more? Do I think I could be treated better? If I take out every external situation, am I still happy? Also, not having to do it all like, you feel this way and I'm going to do this in a day. Like it can take several and that's okay. I don't want any more dry time together. It's not because just excuse yourself. It's like, bitch, just go separate. It's okay. We'll be fine without you. So I think that we like, but it's something special to be able to exist with somebody where you don't have to be alone during those times. Like I don't want to have to like pretend upbeat if I'm like tired. How do you bring the vibe down though? So do you sometimes. I know. And I'm admitting that. But it's nice to like, I'm like, yo, I get it right now. You're pregnant right now. You've been dealing with a lot. I get it. You know what I mean? It's nice to be got. It's nice to be understood. Are you open to therapy at this time? Yeah. Oh, I wrote not at this time. Oh, okay.