 Section 43 of the Expedition of Humphrey-Klinka by Tobias Smollett. Section 43 to Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus College, Oxford. Dear Wat, the farce is finished, and another piece of a graver cast brought upon the stage. Our aunt made a desperate attack upon Barton, who had no other way of saving himself but by leaving her in possession of the field, and avowing his pretensions to Liddy, by whom he has been rejected in his turn. Lady Griskin acted as his advocate and agent on this occasion, with such zeal as embroiled her with Mistress Tabitha, and a high scene of altercation passed betwixt these two religionists, who might have come to action had not my uncle interposed. They are, however, reconciled, in consequence of an event which hath involved us all in trouble and disquiet. You must know the poor preacher Humphrey-Klinka is now exercising his ministry among the felons in Clarke and Welle-Prison. A postillian having sworn a robbery against him, no bail could be taken, and he was committed to jail. Notwithstanding all the remonstrances and interest my uncle could make in his behalf. All things considered, the poor fellow cannot possibly be guilty, and yet I believe he runs some risk of being hanged. On his examination he answered with such hesitation and reserve, as persuaded most of the people who crowded the place that he was really a nave, and the justice's remarks confirmed their opinion. Exclusive of my uncle and myself, there was only one person who seemed inclined to favour the culprit. He was a young man well dressed, and from the manner in which he cross-examined with the evidence we took it for granted that he was a student in one of the inns of court. He freely checked the justice for some uncharitable inferences he made to the prejudice of the prisoner, and even ventured to dispute with his worship on certain points of law. My uncle provoked the unconnected and dubious answers of Klinka, who seemed in danger of falling a sacrifice to his own simplicity, exclaimed, In the name of God, if you are innocent, say so. No, cried he, God forbid that I should call myself innocent, while my conscience is birthened with sin. What, then, you did commit this robbery?" resumed his master. No sure, said he, blessed be the Lord, I am free of that gelt. Here the justice interposed, observing that the man seemed inclined to make a discovery by turning King's evidence, and desired the clerk to take his confession, upon which Humphrey declared that he looked upon confession to be a popish fraud invented by the whore of Babylon. The Templar affirmed that the poor fellow was non-compose, and exhorted the justice to discharge him as a lunatic. You know very well, added he, that the robbery in question was not committed by the prisoner. The thief-takers grinned at one another, and Mr. Justice Buzzard replied with great emotion. Mr. Martin, I desire you will mind your own business. I shall convince you one of these days that I understand mine. In short there was no remedy. The minimus was made out, and poor Clinker sent to prison in a hackney-coach guarded by the Constable, and accompanied by your humble servant. By the way, I was not a little surprised to hear this retainer to justice bid the prisoner to keep up his spirits, for that he did not at all doubt that he would get off for a few weeks' confinement. He said his worship knew very well that Clinker was innocent of the fact, and that the real highwayman who robbed the shares was no other than that very individual Mr. Martin, who had pleaded so strenuously for honest humfrey. Confounded at this information, I asked, why then is he suffered to go about at his liberty, and this poor innocent fellow treated as a malefactor? We have exact intelligence of all Mr. Martin's transactions," said he, but as yet there is not evidence sufficient for his conviction, and as for this young man, the justice could do no less than commit him as the postillian swore point-blank to his identity. So if this rascally postillian should persist in the full city to which he has sworn, said I, this innocent lad may be brought to the gallows. The Constable observed that he would have time enough to prepare for his trial, and might prove an alibi, or perhaps Martin might be apprehended and convicted for another fact, in which case he might be prevailed upon to take this affair upon himself. Or finally, if these chances should fail, and the evidence stand good against clinker, the jury might recommend him to mercy in consideration of his youth, especially if this should appear to be the first fact of which he had been guilty. Humfrey owned he could not pretend to recollect where he had been on the day when the robbery was committed, much less prove a circumstance of that kind so far back as six months, though he knew he had been sick of the fever and achew, which however did not prevent him from going about. Then turning up his eyes he ejaculated, The Lord's well be done! If it be my fate to suffer, I hope I shall not disgrace the faith of which, though unworthy, I make profession. When I expressed my surprise that the accuser should persist in charging clinker without taking the least notice of the real robber who stood before him, and to whom indeed Humfrey bore not the smallest resemblance, the Constable, who was himself a thief-taker, gave me to understand that Mr. Martin was the best qualified for business of all the gentlemen on the road he had ever known, that he had always acted on his own bottom, without partner or correspondent, and never went to work but when he was cool and sober, that his courage and presence of mind never failed him, that his address was genteel, and his behaviour void of all cruelty and insolence, that he never encumbered himself with watches or trinkets or even with banknotes, but always dealt for ready money, and that in the current coin of the kingdom, and that he could disguise himself and his horse in such a manner that after the action it was impossible to recognise either the one or the other. This great man, said he, has reigned paramount in all the roads within fifty miles of London above fifteen months, and has done more business in that time than all the rest of the profession put together. For those who pass through his hands are so delicately dealt with, that they have no desire to give him the least disturbance. But for all that his race is almost run. He is now fluttering about justice, like a moth about a candle. There are so many lime-twigs laid in his way, that I'll bet a cool hundred he swings before Christmas. Shall I own to you that this portrait, drawn by a ruffian, heightened by what I myself had observed in his deportment, has interested me warmly in the fate of poor Martin, whom nature seems to have intended for a useful and honourable member of that community upon which he now prays for subsistence. It seems he lived some time as a clerk to a timber merchant, whose daughter Martin having privately married was discarded, and his wife turned out of doors. She did not long survive her marriage, and Martin, turning fortune-hunter, could not supply his occasions any other way than by taking to the road, in which he has travelled hither too with uncommon success. He pays his respects regularly to Mr. Justice Buzzard, the thief-catcher general of this metropolis, and sometimes they smoke a pipe together very lovingly, when the conversation generally turns upon the nature of evidence. The justice has given him fair warning to take care of himself, and he has received his caution in good part. Hither too he has baffled all the vigilance, art, and activity of Buzzard and his emissaries, with such conduct as would have done honour to the genius of a Caesar or a tyrann. But he has one weakness which has proved fatal to all the heroes of his tribe, namely an indiscreet devotion to the fair sex, and in all probability he will be attacked on this defenceless quarter. Be that as it may, I saw the body of poor clinker consigned to the jailer of Clarkinwell, to whose indulgence I recommended him so effectually that he received him in the most hospitable manner, though there was a necessity for equipping him with a suit of irons, in which he made a very rueful appearance. The poor creature seemed as much affected by my uncle's kindness as by his own misfortune. When I assured him that nothing should be left undone for procuring his enlargement and making his confinement easy in the meantime, he fell down on his knees and, kissing my hand, which he bathed with his tears. "'O squire!' cried he, sobbing, "'What shall I say?' "'I can't. No, I can't speak. My poor heart is bursting with gratitude to you and my dear, dear, generous noble benefactor.' I protest the scene became so pathetic that I was famed to force myself away, and returned to my uncle, who sent me in the afternoon with a compliment to one Mr Mead. The person who had been robbed on Black Heath. As I did not find him at home, I left a message, in consequence of which he called to our lodgings this morning, and very humanely agreed to visit the prisoner. By this time Lady Griskin had come to make her formal compliments of condolence to Mistress Tabitha on this domestic calamity, and that prudent maiden, whose passion was now cooled, thought proper to receive her ladyship so civilly that a reconciliation immediately ensued. These two ladies resolved to comfort the poor prisoner in their own persons, and Mr Mead and I squired them to Clarkinwell, my uncle being detained at home by some slight complaints in his stomach and bowels. The turnkey, who received us at Clarkinwell, looked remarkably sullen, and when we inquired for clinker, I don't care if the devil had him, said he. Here has been nothing but canting and praying since the fellow entered the place, rabid him. The tap will be ruined. We haven't sold a cask of beer, nor a dozen of wine, since he paid his garnish. The gentleman get drunk with nothing but your damned religion. For my part I believe it's how your man deals with the devil. Two or three as bold hearts as ever took the air upon Hounslow have been blubbering all night, and if the fellow ain't speedily removed by habeas corpus or otherwise, I'll be damned if there's a grain of true spirit left within these walls. We shan't have a soul to do credit to the place, or make his exit like a true-born Englishman. Damn my eyes, there will be nothing but snivelling in the cart. We shall all die like so many psalms singing weavers. In short, we found that Humphrey was at that very instant haranguing the fellows in the chapel, and that the jailer's wife and daughter, together with my aunt's woman, Win Jenkins, and our housemaid, were among the audience, which we immediately joined. I never saw anything so strongly picturesque as this congregation of felons clanking their chains, in the midst of whom stood Orrita Klinker, expatiating in a transport of fervour on the torments of hell, denounced in scripture against evil doers, comprehending murderers, robbers, thieves, and whore-mongers. The variety of attention exhibited in the faces of those rag-a-muffins formed a group that would not have disgraced the pencil of a Raphael. In one it denoted admiration, in another doubt, in a third disdain, in a fourth contempt, in a fifth terror, in a sixth derision, and in a seventh indignation. As for Mistress Winifred Jenkins, she was in tears overwhelmed with sorrow, but whether for her own sins or the misfortune of Klinker, I cannot pretend to say. The other females seemed to listen with a mixture of wonder and devotion. The jailer's wife declared he was a saint in trouble, saying she wished from her heart there was such another good soul like him, in every jail in England. Under Mead, having earnestly surveyed the preacher, declared his appearance was so different from that of the person who robbed him on black heath, that he could freely make oath he was not the man. But Humphrey himself was by this time pretty well rid of all apprehensions of being hanged, for he had been the night before solemnly tried and acquitted by his fellow prisoners, some of whom he had already converted to Methodism. He now made proper acknowledgments for the honour of our visit, and was permitted to kiss the hands of the ladies, who assured him he might depend upon their friendship and protection. Lady Griskin, in her great zeal, exhorted his fellow prisoners to profit by the precious opportunity of having such a saint in bonds among them, and turn over a new leaf for the benefit of their poor souls, and that her admonition might have the greater effect, she reinforced it with her bounty. While she and Mistress Tabby returned in the coach with the two maid servants, I waited on Mr Mead to the house of Justice Buzzard, who, having heard his declaration, said that his oath could be of no use at present, but that he would be a material evidence for the prisoner at his trial, so that there seems to be no remedy but patience for poor clinker, and indeed the same virtue or medicine will be necessary for his all, the squire in particular, who had set his heart upon his excursion to the northward. While we were visiting Honest Humphrey in Clarkinwell Prison, my uncle received a much more extraordinary visit at his own lodgings. Mr Martin, of whom I have made such honourable mention, desired permission to pay him his respects, and was admitted accordingly. He told him that having observed him at Mr Buzzard's a great deal disturbed by what had happened to his servant, he had come to assure him that he had nothing to apprehend for clinker's life. For if it was possible that any jury could find him guilty upon such evidence, he, Martin himself, would produce in court a person whose deposition would bring him off clear as the sun at noon. Sure the fellow would not be so romantic as to take the robbery upon himself. He said the postillian was an infamous fellow who had been a dabbler in the same profession, and saved his life at the Old Bailey by impeaching his companions. That being now reduced to great poverty, he had made this desperate push to swear away the life of an innocent man in hopes of having the reward upon his conviction. But that he would find himself miserably disappointed, for the justice and his murmidans were determined to admit of no interloper in this branch of business, but that they would find matter enough to shop the evidence himself before the next jail delivery. He affirmed that all these circumstances were well known to the justice, and that his severity to clinker was no other than a hint to his master to make him a present in private, as an acknowledgement of his candour and humanity. This hint, however, was so unpalatable to Mr. Bramble that he declared with great warmth that he would rather confine himself for life to London which he detested than be at liberty to leave it to-morrow in consequence of encouraging corruption in a magistrate. Hearing, however, how favourable Mr. Meads' report had been for the prisoner, he has resolved to take the advice of counsel in what manner to proceed for his immediate enlargement. I make no doubt, but that in a day or two this troublesome business may be discussed, and in this hope we are preparing for our journey. If our endeavours do not miscarry, we shall have taken the field before you here again from yours, J. Melford. London, June 11. End of Section 43. Section 44 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Deborah Lynn, the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett, Section 44. To Dr. Lewis. Thank heaven, dear Lewis, the clouds are dispersed and I have now the clearest prospect of my summer campaign, which I hope I shall be able to begin tomorrow. I took the advice of counsel with respect to the case of Clinker and whose favour a lucky incident has intervened. The fellow who accused him has had his own battery turned upon himself. Two days ago he was apprehended for a robbery on the highway and committed on the evidence of an accomplice. Clinker, having moved for a writ of habeas corpus, was brought before the Lord Chief Justice, who, in consequence of an affidavit of the gentleman who had been robbed, importing that the said Clinker was not the person who stopped him on the highway, as well as in consideration of the postillian's character and present circumstances, was pleased to order that my servant should be admitted to bail, and he has been discharged accordingly to the unspeakable satisfaction of our whole family, to which he has recommended himself in an extraordinary manner, not only by his obliging deportment, but by his talents of preaching, praying, and singing psalms, which he has exercised with such effect that even Tabby respects him as a chosen vessel. If there was anything like affectation or hypocrisy in this excess of religion, I would not keep him in my service, but so far as I can observe the fellow's character's downright simplicity, warmed with the kind of enthusiasm which renders him very susceptible of gratitude and attachment to his benefactors. As he is an excellent horseman and understands fieryory, I have bought a stout gilding for his use that he may attend us on the road and have an eye to our cattle in case the coachman should not mind his business. My nephew, who has dried his own saddlehorse, has taken upon trial a servant just come from abroad with his former master, Sir William Strahlep, who vouches for his honesty. The fellow, whose name is Dutton, seems to be a petty maître. He has got a smattering of French, bows and grins and shrugs, and takes snuff à la mode de France, but values himself chiefly upon his skill and dexterity in hairdressing. If I am not much deceived by appearance, he is, in all respects, the very contrast of Humphrey Clinker. My sister has made up matters with Lady Grisken, though I must own I should not have been sorry to see that connection entirely destroyed. But Tabby is not of a disposition to forgive Barton, who, I understand, has gone to his seat in Berkshire for the summer season. I cannot help suspecting that in the Treaty of Peace, which has been lately ratified betwixt those two females, it is stipulated that her ladyship shall use her best endeavors to provide an agreeable helpmate for our sister, Tabitha, who seems to be quite desperate in her matrimonial designs. Perhaps the matchmaker is to have a valuable consideration in the way of brokerage, which she will most certainly deserve if she can find any man in his senses who will yoke with Mrs. Bramble from motives of affection or interest. I find my spirits and my health affect each other reciprocally, that is to say everything that discomposes my mind produces a correspondent disorder in my body, and my bodily complaints are remarkably mitigated by those considerations that dissipate the clouds of mental chagrin. The imprisonment of Klinker brought on those symptoms which I mentioned in my last, and now they are vanished at his discharge. It must be owned indeed. I took some of the tincture of Ginseng, prepared according to your prescription, and found it exceedingly grateful to the stomach. But the pain and sickness continued to return after short intervals, till the anxiety of my mind was entirely removed, and then I found myself perfectly at ease. We have had fair weather these ten days, to the astonishment of the Londoners who think it portentous. If you enjoy the same indulgence in Wales, I hope Barnes has got my hay made and saved cock by this time. As we shall be in motion for some weeks, I cannot expect to hear from you as usual. But I shall continue to write from every place at which we make any halt, that you may know our track, in case it should be necessary to communicate anything to your assured friend, Matt Bramble, London, June 14. End of Section 44. Section 45 of the Expedition of Humphrey Klinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Expedition of Humphrey Klinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 45. To Mrs. Mary Jones at Brambleton Hall, etc. Dear Mary, having the occasion of my cousin Jenkins of Abergany, I send you as a token a turkey shell comb, a kipple of yards of green ribbon, and a Sarment upon the nothingness of good works, which was preached in the tabernacle. And you will also receive a hornbuck for Saul, whereby she may learn her letters. For Finn much concerned about the state of her poor soul, and what are all the pursuits of this life to the concerns of that immortal part? What is life but a veil of affliction? Oh, Mary, the whole family have been in such a constipation. Mr. Klinker has been in trouble, but the gates of hell have not been able to prevail against him. His virtue is like poor gold, seven times tried in the fire. He was tuck up for a rubbery, and had before Justice Bussard, who made his mida-mouse. And the poor youth was sent to prison upon the false oaf of a villain that wanted to swear his life away for the looker of Cain. The squire did all in his power, but could not prevent his being put in chains, and confined among common manufacturers, where he stood like an innocent sheep in the midst of wolves and tigers. Lord knows what might have happened to this pious young man, if master had not applied to Apius Corkus, who lives with the old Baeliff, and is, they say, five hundred years old, God bless us, and a conjurer. But if he be, sure I am that he don't deal with the devil, otherwise he couldn't have fought out Mr. Klinker as he did in spite of stone walls, iron bolts, and double locks that flew open at his command. For old Scratch has not a greater enemy upon earth than Mr. Klinker, who is indeed a very powerful laborer in the Lord's vineyard. I do know more than use the words of my good lady, who has got the infectual calling, and I trust that even myself, though unworthy, shall find Greece to be accepted. Miss Liddy has been touched to the quick, but is a little timbersome. How some ever I make no doubt that she and all of us will be brought by the endeavors of Mr. Klinker to produce blessed fruit of generation and repentance. As for Master and the young squire, they have as yet had narrow glimpse of the new light. I doubt is how their hearts are heartened by worldly wisdom, which as the Pibles sayeth, is foolishness in the sight of God. O Mary-Jones, pray without seizing for Greece to prepare you for the operations of this wonderful instrument, which I hope will be exercised this winter upon you and others at Brambleton Hall. Tomorrow we are to set out in a coxswain fort for Yerkshire, and I believe we shall travel that way far and far and farther than I can tell. But I shan't go so far as to forget my friends, and Mary-Jones will always be remembered as one of them by her humble servant, Wyn Jenkins, London, June 14. End of Section 45, Recording by Tricia G. Section 46 of the Expedition of Humphrey Klinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Ruth Golding. The Expedition of Humphrey Klinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 46 To Mrs. Gwillim, Hus-keeper at Brambleton Hall. Mrs. Gwillim, I can't help thinking it very strange that I never had an answer to the letter I wrote to you some weeks ago from Bath concerning the sour beer, the gander, and the maids eating butter, which I won't allow to be wasted. We are now going upon a long journey to the north, whereby I desire you will redouble your care and circumflection, that the family may be well managed in our absence. For you know you must render account, not only to your earthly master, but also to him that is above. And if you are found a good and faithful servant, great will be your reward in heaven. I hope there will be twenty stun of cheese ready for market by the time I get home, and as much owl-spun as will make half a dozen pair of blankets, and that the savings at the butter-milk will fetch me a good penny before Martin Mass, as the two pigs are to be fed for baking with bitch-mast and egg-cronth. I wrote to Dr. Lewis for the same purpose, but he never had the good manners to take the least notice of my letter, for which reason I shall never favour him with another, though he beshits me on his bended knees. You will do well to keep a watchful eye over the hind-villiams, who is one of his emissaries, and I believe no better than he should be at bottom. God forbid that I should lack Christian charity, but charity begins at home. And sure nothing can be a more charitable work than to rid the family of such vermin. I do suppose that the bindled cow has been had to the Parsons' bowl, that old moll has had another litter of pigs, and the dick is become a mighty mouser. Pray order everything for the best, and be frugal, and keep the maids to their labour. If I had a private opportunity, I would send them some hymns to sing, instead of profane ballads. But as I can't, they and you must be contented with the prayers of your assured friend T. Bramble, London, June fourteenths. of section forty-six section forty-seven of the expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett, section forty-seven, to Sir Watkin Phillips, Baronet, of Jesus College, Oxford. Dear Phillips, the very day after I wrote my last, Clinker was set at liberty. As Martin had foretold, the accuser was himself committed for a robbery, upon unquestionable evidence. He had been for some time in the snares of the thief-taking society, who, resenting his presumption in attempting to encroach upon their monopoly of impeachment, had him taken up and committed to Nuget, on the deposition of an accomplice who has been admitted as evidence for the king. The postillian, being upon record as an old offender, the chief justice made no scruple of admitting Clinker to bail, when he perused the affidavit of Mr Mead, importing that the said Clinker was not the person that robbed him on Blackheath, and honest Humphrey was discharged. When he came home he expressed great eagerness to pay his respects to his master, and here his elocution failed him, but his silence was pathetic. He fell down at his feet and embraced his knees, shedding a flood of tears which my uncle did not see without emotion. He took snuff in some confusion, and putting his hand in his pocket, gave him his blessing in something more substantial than words. Clinker said he, I am so well convinced, both of your honesty and courage, that I am resolved to make you my life-guardman on the highway. He was accordingly provided with a case of pistols, and a carbine to be flung across his shoulders. And every other preparation being made we set out last Thursday, at seven in the morning. My uncle, with the three women in the coach, Humphrey well mounted on a black gilding bought for his youths, myself a horseback, attended by my new valet, Mr Dutton, an exceeding coxcomb, fresh from his travels, whom I have taken upon trial. The fellow wears a solitaire, uses paint, and takes wrappy with all the grimace of a French marquis. At present, however, he is in a riding dress, jack boots, leather britches, a scarlet waistcoat, with gold binding, a laced hat, a hanger, a French posting-whip in his hand, and his hair en queue. Before we had gone nine miles, my horse lost one of his shoes, so that I was obliged to stop at Barnett to have another, while the coach proceeded at an easy pace over the common. About a mile short of Hatfield, the postilians stopping the carriage gave notice to Clinker that there were two suspicious fellows, a horseback, at the end of a lane, who seemed waiting to attack the coach. Humphrey forthwith apprised my uncle, declaring he would stand by him to the last drop of his blad, and, unflinging his carbine, prepared for action. The squire had pistols in the pockets of the coach, and resolved to make use of them directly. But he was effectually prevented by his female companions, who flung themselves about his neck and screamed in concert. At that instant, who should come up at a hand-gallop, but Martin, the highwayman, who were advancing to the coach, begged the ladies would compose themselves for a moment, then desiring Clinker to follow him to the charge, he pulled a pistol out of his bosom, and they rode up together to give battle to the rogues, who, having fired at a great distance, fled across the common. They were in pursuit of the fugitives when I came up, not a little alarmed at the shrieks in the coach, where I found my uncle in a violent rage, without his periwig, struggling to disentangle himself from tabby and the other two, and swearing with great forciferation. Before I had time to interpose, Martin and Clinker returned from the pursuit, and the former paid his compliments with great politeness, giving us to understand that the fellows had scampered off, and that he believed they were a couple of raw prentices from London. He commended Clinker for his courage, and said if we would give him leave, he would have the honour to accompany us as far as Stephenich, where he had some business. The squire, having recollected and adjusted himself, was the first to laugh at his own situation, but it was not without difficulty that Tabby's arms could be untwisted from his neck, Liddy's teeth chattered, and Jenkins was threatened with a fit as usual. I had communicated to my uncle the character of Martin, as it was described by the Constable, and he was much struck with its singularity. He could not suppose the fellow had any design on our company, which was so numerous and well armed. He therefore thanked him for the service he had just done them, said he would be glad of his company, and asked him to dine with us at Hatfield. This invitation might not have been agreeable to the ladies had they known the real profession of our guest, but this was a secret to all except my uncle and myself. Mistress Tabitha, however, would by no means consent to proceed with a case of loaded pistols in the coach, and they were forthwith discharged in complacence to her and the rest of the women. Being gratified in this particular, she became remarkably good-humoured, and at dinner behaved in the most affable manner to Mr. Martin, with whose polite address and agreeable conversation she seemed to be much taken. After dinner the landlord accosting me in the yard asked with a significant look if the gentleman that rode the sorrel belonged to our company. I understood his meaning, but answered no, that he had come up with us on the common and helped us to drive away two fellows that looked like high women. He nodded three times distinctly, as much as to say he knows his cue. Then he inquired if one of those men was mounted on a bay mare, and the other on a chestnut gelding with a white streak down his forehead. And being answered in the affirmative, he assured me they had robbed three post-shares this very morning. I inquired in my turn if Mr. Martin was of his acquaintance, and nodding thrice again, he answered that he had seen the gentleman. Before we left Hatfield, my uncle fixing his eyes on Martin with such expression as is more easily conceived than described, asked if he often travelled that road, and he replied with a look which denoted his understanding the question that he very seldom did business in that part of the country. In a word, this adventurer favoured us with his company to the neighbourhood of Stephenidge, where he took his leave of the coach and me in very polite terms, and turned off upon a cross-road that led to a village on the left. Instead supper, Mr. Stabbie was very full in the praise of Mr. Martin's good sense and good breeding, and seemed to regret that she had not a further opportunity to make some experiment upon his affection. In the morning my uncle was not a little surprised to receive from the waiter a billet couched in these words. Sir, I could easily perceive from your looks, when I had the honour to converse with you at Hatfield, that my character is not unknown to you, and I dare say you won't think it's strange that I should be glad to change my present way of life for any other honest occupation. Let it be ever so humble that will afford me bread in moderation and sleep in safety. Perhaps you may think I flatter when I say that from the moment I was witness to your generous concern in the cause of your servant, I conceived a particular esteem and veneration for your person. And yet what I say is true. I should think myself happy if I could be admitted into your protection and service as house steward, clerk, butler, or bailiff, for either of which places I think myself tolerably well qualified, and sure I am I should not be found deficient in gratitude and fidelity. At the same time I am very sensible how much you must deviate from the common maxims of discretion, even in putting my professions to the trial, but I don't look upon you as a person that thinks in the ordinary style, and the delicacy of my situation will I know justify this address to a heart warmed with beneficence and compassion. Understanding you are going pretty far north, I shall take an opportunity to throw myself in your way again before you reach the borders of Scotland, and I hope by that time you will have taken into consideration the truly distressful case of honoured, sir, your very humble and devoted servant, Edward Martin. The squire, having perused this letter, put it into my hand without saying a syllable, and when I had read it we looked at each other in silence. From a certain sparkling in his eyes I discovered there was more in his heart than he cared to express with his tongue in favour of poor Martin, and this was precisely my own feeling which he did not fail to discern by the same means of communication. What shall we do, said he, to save this poor sinner from the gallows, and make him a useful member of the commonwealth, and yet the proverb says, save a thief from the gallows and he'll cut your throat? I told him I really believed Martin was capable of giving the proverb the lie, and that I should heartily concur in any step he might take in favour of his solicitation. We mutually resolved to deliberate upon the subject, and in the meantime proceeded on our journey. The roads, having been broken up by the heavy rains in the spring, were so rough that although we travelled very slowly, the jolting occasioned such pain to my uncle that he was become exceedingly peevish when we arrived at this place, which lies about eight miles from the post-road between Weatherby and Burrow Bridge. But water, so celebrated for its efficacy in the scurvy and other distempers, is supplied from a copious spring in the hollow of a wild common, round which a good many houses have been built for the convenience of the drinkers, though few of them are inhabited. Most of the company lodge at some distance, in five separate inns, situated in different parts of the commons, from whence they go every morning to the well in their own carriages. The lodgers of each inn form a distinct society, that eat together, and there is a commodious public room where they breakfast in Dizaby at separate tables, from eight o'clock to eleven, as they chance or choose to come in. Here also they drink tea in the afternoon, and play at cards or dance in the evening. One custom, however, prevails, which I looked upon as a solicism in politeness. The ladies treat with tea in their turns, and even girls of sixteen are not exempted from this shameful imposition. There is a public ball by subscription every night at one of the houses, to which all the company from the others are admitted by tickets, and indeed Harrogate treads upon the heels of Bath in the articles of Gayety and Discipatient, with this difference, however, that here we are more sociable and familiar. One of the inns is already full up to the very garrets, having no less than fifty lodgers and as many servants. Our family does not exceed thirty-six, and I should be sorry to see the number augmented, as our accommodations won't admit of much increase. At present the company is more agreeable than one could expect from an accidental assemblage of persons who are utter strangers to one another. There seems to be a general disposition among us to maintain good fellowship and promote the purposes of humanity in favour of those who come hither on the score of health. I see several faces which we left at Bath, although the majority are of the northern counties, and many come from Scotland for the benefit of these waters. In such a variety there must be some originals, among whom Mistress Tabitha Bramble is not the most inconsiderable. No place where there is such an intercourse between the sexes can be disagreeable to a lady of her views and temperament. She has had some worn disputes at table with a lame parson from Northumberland on the new birth and the insignificance of moral virtue, and her arguments have been reinforced by an old Scotch lawyer in a Thai periwig, who though he has lost his teeth and the use of his limbs, can still wag his tongue with great volubility. He has paid her such fulsome compliments upon her piety and learning as seem to have won her heart. And she, in her turn, treats him with such attention as indicates a design upon his person. But by all accounts he is too much of a fox to be invagalled into any snare that she can lay for his affection. We do not propose to stay long at Harrogate, though at present it is our headquarters, and once we shall make some excursions, to visit two or three of our rich relations who are settled in this country. Pray, remember me to all our friends of Jesus, and allow me to be still, yours affectionately, J. Melford. Harrogate, June 23, end of Section 47. Section 48 of the Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Deborah Lynn. The Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 48. To Dr. Lewis. Dear Dr., Considering the tax we pay for turnpikes, the roads of this county constitute a most intolerable grievance. Between Newark and Weatherby I have suffered more from jolting and swinging than ever I felt in the whole course of my life, although the carriage is remarkably commodious and well hung, and the postillions were very careful in driving. I am now safely housed at the new Inn at Harrogate, whether I came to satisfy my curiosity rather than with any view of advantage to my health, and truly, after having considered all the parts and particulars of the place, I cannot account for the concourse of people one finds here, upon any other principle but that of Caprice, which seems to be the character of our nation. Harrogate is a wild, common bear and bleak, without tree or shrub or the least signs of cultivation, and the people who come to drink the water are crowded together in paltry inns, where the few tolerable rooms are monopolized by the friends and favorites of the house, and all the rest of the lodgers are obliged to put up with thirty holes where there is neither space, air, nor convenience. My apartment is about ten feet square, and when the folding bed is down, there is just room sufficient to pass between it and the fire. One might expect indeed that there would be no occasion for a fire at mid-summer, but here the climate is so backward that an ash tree, which our landlord has planted before my window, is just beginning to put forth its leaves, and I am feigned to have my bed warmed every night. As for the water, which is said to have affected so many surprising cures, I have drank it once, and the first draft has cured me of all desire to repeat the medicine. Some people say it smells of rotten eggs, and others compare it to the scouring of a foul gun. It is generally supposed to be strongly impregnated with sulfur, and Dr. Shaw, in his Book Upon Mineral Water, says he has seen flakes of sulfur floating in the well past Tantiviri. I, for my part, have never observed anything like sulfur either in or about the well, neither do I find that any brimstone has ever been extracted from the water. As for the smell, if I may be allowed to judge from my own organs, it is exactly that of bilge water, and the saline taste of it seems to declare that it is nothing else than salt water putrified in the bowels of the earth. I was obliged to hold my nose with one hand while I advanced the glass to my mouth with the other, and after I had made ship to swallow it, my stomach could hardly retain what it had received. The only effects it produced were sickness, griping, and insurmountable disgust. I can hardly mention it without puking. The world is strangely misled by the affectation of singularity. I cannot help suspecting that this water owes its reputation in a great measure to its being so strikingly offensive. On the same kind of analogy, a German doctor has introduced hemlock and other poisons as specifics into the materia medica. I am persuaded that all the cures ascribed to the herigate water would have been as efficaciously and infinitely more agreeably performed by the internal and external use of seawater. Sure I am, this last is much less nauseous to the taste and smell, and much more gentle in its operation as a purge, as well as more extensive in its medical qualities. Two days ago we went across the country to visit Squire Burdock, who married the first cousin of my father, in eras who brought him in a state of a thousand a year. This gentleman is a declared opponent of the ministry and parliament, and having an opulent fortune peaks himself upon living in the country and maintaining old English hospitality. By the by, this is a phrase very much used by the English themselves, both in words and writing, but I never heard of it out of the island, except by way of irony and sarcasm. What the hospitality of our forefathers has been, I should be glad to see recorded, rather in the memoirs of strangers who have visited our country and were the proper objects and judges of such hospitality, than in the discourse and lucubrations of the modern English who seem to describe it from theory and conjecture. Certain it is we are generally looked upon by foreigners as a people totally destitute of this virtue, and I never was in any country abroad where I did not meet with persons of distinction who complained of having been inhospitably used in Great Britain. A gentleman of France, Italy, or Germany who has entertained and lodged an Englishman at his house when he afterwards meets with his guest at London is asked to dinner at the Saracen's Head, the Turk's Head, the Boer's Head, or the Bear. Eats raw beef and butter, drinks execrable port, and is allowed to pay his share of the reckoning. But to return from this digression, which my feeling for the honor of my country obliged me to make, our Yorkshire cousin has been a mighty fox hunter before the Lord, but now he is too fat and unwieldy to leap ditches and five bar gates. Nevertheless, he still keeps a pack of hounds, which are well exercised, and his huntsmen every night entertains him with the adventures of the day's chase, which he recites in atonement terms that are extremely curious and significant. In the meantime, his broad brawn is scratched by one of his grooves. This fellow, it seems, having no inclination to curry any beast out of the stable, was at great pains to scallop his nails in such a manner that the blood followed at every stroke. He was in hopes that he would be dismissed from this disagreeable office, but the event turned out contrary to his expectation. His master declared he was the best scratcher in the family, and now he will not suffer any other servant to draw a nail upon his carcass. The squire's lady is very proud, without being stiff or inaccessible. She receives even her inferiors in point of fortune with a kind of arrogant civility, but then she thinks she has a right to treat them with the most ungracious freedoms of speech and never fails to let them know she is sensible of her own superior affluence. In a word, she speaks well of no living soul and has not one single friend in the world. Her husband hates her mortally, but although the brute is sometimes so very powerful in him that he will have his own way, he generally truckles to her dominion and dreads like a schoolboy the lash of her tongue. On the other hand, she is afraid of provoking him too far, lest he should make some desperate effort to shake off her yoke. She therefore acquiesces in the proofs he daily gives of his attachment to the liberty of an English freeholder by saying and doing at his own table whatever gratifies the brutality of his disposition or contributes to the ease of his person. The house, though large, is neither elegant nor comfortable. It looks like a great inn crowded with travelers who dine at the landlord's ordinary, where there is a great profusion of vitals and drink, but my host seems to be misplaced, and I would rather dine upon filverts with a hermit than feed upon venison with a hog. The footmen might be aptly compared to the waiters of a tavern if they were more serviceable and less rapacious, but they are generally insolent and inattentive, and so greedy that I think I can dine better and for less expense at the star and garter in Palmall than at our cousin's castle in Yorkshire. The squire is not only accommodated with the wife, but he is also blessed with an only son about two and twenty just returned from Italy, a complete fiddler and dilettante, and he slips no opportunity of manifesting the most perfect contempt for his own father. When we arrived there was a family of foreigners at the house on a visit to this virtuoso with whom they had been acquainted at the spa. It was the Count de Melville with his lady on their way to Scotland. Mr. Burdock had met with an accident, in consequence of which both the Count and I would have retired, but the young gentleman and his mother insisted upon our staying dinner. And their serenity seemed to be so little ruffled by what had happened that we complied with their invitation. The squire had been brought home overnight in his post-chase, so terribly belabored about the pate that he seemed to be in a state of stoop of action, and had ever since remained speechless. A country apothecary called Grieve, who lived in a neighboring village having been called to his assistance, had let him blood and applied a poultice to his head, declaring that he had no fever nor any other bad symptom but the loss of speech, if he really had lost that faculty. But the young squire said this practitioner was an ignorantatio, that there was a fracture in the cranium, and that there was a necessity for having him trepanned without loss of time. His mother, espousing this opinion, had sent an express to York for a surgeon to perform the operation, and he was already come with his prentice and instruments. Having examined the patient's head, he began to prepare his dressings, though Grieve still retained his first opinion that there was no fracture, and was the more confirmed in it as the squire had passed the night in profound sleep, uninterrupted by any catching or convulsion. The York surgeon said he could not tell whether there was a fracture until he should take off the scalp, but at any rate the operation might be of service in giving vent to any blood that might be extravasated, either above or below the dura mater. The lady and her son were clear for trying the experiment, and Grieve was dismissed with some marks of contempt, which perhaps he owed to the plainness of his appearance. He seemed to be about the middle age or his own black hair without any sort of dressing. By his garb one would have taken him for a quaker, but he had none of the stiffness of that sect. On the contrary, he was very submissive, respectful, and remarkably taciturn. Leaving the ladies in an apartment by themselves, we adjourned to the patient's chamber, where the dressings and instruments were displayed in order upon a pewter dish. The operator, laying aside his coat and periwig, equipped himself with a nightgap, apron, and sleeves, while his prentice and footmen, seizing the square's head, began to place it in a proper posture. But Marquette followed. The patient, bolting upright in the bed, collared each of these assistants with the grasp of Hercules, exclaiming in a bellowing tone, I had lived so long in Yorker to be trepanned by such vermin as you, and, leaping on the floor, put on his breeches quietly to the astonishment of us all. The surgeon still insisted upon the operation, alleging it was now plain that the brain was injured, and, desiring the servants, put him into bed again, but nobody would venture to execute his orders, or even to interpose, when the squire turned him and his assistants out of doors and threw his apparatus out at the window. Having thus asserted his prerogative, and put on his clothes with the help of a valet, the count with my nephew and me were introduced by his son and received with his usual style of rustic civility. Then, turning to Signore Macaroni with the sarcastic grin, I tell thee what, Dick, said he, a man's skull is not to be bored every time his head is broken, and I'll convince thee and thy mother that I know as many tricks as there an old fox in the West Riding. We afterwards understood he had quarreled at a public house with an ex-sizeman whom he challenged to about a single stick in which he had been worsted, and that the shame of this defeat had tied up his tongue. As for Madame, she had shown no concern for his disaster, and now heard of his recovery without emotion. She had taken some little notice of my sister and niece, though rather with a view to indulge her own petulance than out of any sentiment of regard to our family. She said Liddy was a fright and ordered her woman to adjust her head before dinner, but she would not meddle with Tabby, whose spirit she soon perceived was not to be irritated with impunity. At table she acknowledged me so far as to say she had heard of my father, though she hinted that he had disobliged her family by making a poor match in Wales. She was disagreeably familiar in her inquiries about our circumstances, and asked if I intended to bring up my nephew to the law. I told her that, as he had an independent fortune, he should follow no profession but that of a country gentleman, and that I was not without hopes of procuring for him a seat in Parliament. Pray, cousin, said she, what may his fortune be? When I answered that with what I should be able to give him, he would have better than two thousand a year, she replied with a disdainful toss of her head that it would be impossible for him to preserve his independence on such a paltry provision. Not a little knelt at this arrogant remark. I told her I had the honour to sit in Parliament with her father when he had little more than half that income, and I believed there was not a more independent and incorruptible member in the house. Eh, but times have changed, cried the country gentleman nowadays live after another fashion. My table alone stands me in a cool thousand a quarter, though I raise my own stock, import my own liquors, and have everything at the first hand. True it is I keep open house and receive all comers for the honour of Old England. If that be the case, said I, to so wonder you can maintain it at so small an expense, but every private gentleman is not expected to keep a care of answer, I, for the accommodation of travelers. If you need of every individual lived in the same style, you would not have such a number of guests at your table, of consequence your hospitality would not shine so bright for the glory of the West Riding. The young squire tickled by this ironical observation exclaimed, Oh Sheberla, his mother eyed me in silence with the supercilious air and the father of the feast, taking a bumper of October. My service to you, cousin Bramble, said he, I have always heard there was something keen inviting in the air of the Welch Mountains. I was much pleased with the Count DeMellville, who is sensible, easy and polite, and the Countess is the most amiable woman I ever beheld. In the afternoon they took leave of their entertainers and the young gentleman mounting his horse undertook to conduct their coats through the park, while one of their servants rode round to give notice to the rest, whom they had left at a public house on the road. The moment their backs were turned, the sensorious demon took possession of our Yorkshire landlady and our sister Tabitha. The former observed that the Countess was a good sort of a body but totally ignorant of good breeding, consequently awkward in her address. The squire said he did not pretend to the breeding of anything but coats, but that the jade would be very handsome if she was a little more in flesh. Handsome, cried Tabby, she has indeed a pair of black eyes without any meaning, but then there is not a good feature in her face. I know not what you call good features in Wales, replied our landlord, but they'll pass in Yorkshire. Then, turning to Liddy, he added, what say you, my pretty red streak? What is your opinion of the Countess? I think, cried Liddy with great emotion, she's an angel. Tabby chid her for talking with such freedom and company, and the lady of the house said, in a contemptuous tone, she supposed myths had been brought up at some country boarding school. Our conversation was suddenly interrupted by the young gentleman who galloped into the yard, all aghast, exclaiming that the coach was attacked by a great number of highwaymen. My nephew and I rushed out, found his own and his servant's horse ready saddled in the stable with pistols in the caps. We mounted instantly, ordering clinker and dotting to follow with all possible expedition, but notwithstanding all the speed we could make, the action was over before we arrived, and the Count with his lady safe lodged at the house of Grieve, who had signalized himself in a very remarkable manner on this occasion. At the turning of a lane that led to the village where the Count's servants remained, a couple of robbers of horseback suddenly appeared with their pistols advanced. One kept the coachmen in awe, and the other demanded the Count's money, while the young squire went off at full speed without ever casting a look behind. The Count, desiring the thief to withdraw his pistol as the lady was in great terror, delivered his purse without making the least resistance. But not satisfied with this booty, which was pretty considerable, the rascal insisted upon rifling her of her earrings and necklace, and the Count is screamed with a fright. Her husband, exasperated at the violence with which she was threatened, rested the pistol out of the fellow's hand, and turning it upon him snapped it in his face. But the robber, knowing there was no charge in it, drew another from his bosom, and in all probability would have killed him on the spot, had not his life been saved by a wonderful interposition. Grieve the apothecary, chanceing to pass that very instant, ran up to the coach, and with a crab stick, which was all the weapon he had, brought the fellow to the ground with the first blow. Then, seizing his pistol, presented it at his colleague who fired his piece at random and fled without further opposition. The other was secured by the assistance of the Count and the coachmen, and his legs being tied under the belly of his own horse, Grieve conducted him to the village, with or also the carriage proceeded. It was with great difficulty the Countess could be kept from swooning, but at last she was happily conveyed to the house of the apothecary, who went into the shop to prepare some drops for her, while his wife and daughter administered to her in another apartment. Upon the Count standing in the kitchen with the parson of the parish, and expressing much impatience to see his protector, whom as yet he had scarce found time to thank for the essential service he had done him in the Countess. The daughter passing at the same time with a glass of water, Monsur de Malville could not help taking notice of her figure, which was strikingly engaging. A, said the parson, she is the prettiest girl and the best girl in all my parish, and if I could give my son in a state of ten thousand a year, he should have my consent to lay it at her feet. If Mr. Grieve had been as solicitous about getting money as he has been in performing all the duties of a primitive Christian, he would not have hung so long upon his hands. What is her name, said I. Sixteen years ago, answered the vicar, I christened her by the names of Seraphina Malvilia. Ha! What? How? cried the Count eagerly. Sure, you said Seraphina Malvilia. I did, said he. Mr. Grieve told me those were the names of two noble persons abroad to whom he had been obliged for more than life. The Count, without speaking another syllable, rushed into the parlour, crying, This is your God-daughter, my dear. Mrs. Grieve, then seizing the Countess by the hand, exclaimed with great agitation, O Madam, O Sir, I am your poor Eleanor. This is my Seraphina Malvilia, O child. These are the Count and Countess of Melville, the generous, the glorious benefactors of thy once unhappy parents. The Countess, rising from her seat, threw her arms about the neck of the amiable Seraphina, and clasped her to her breast with great tenderness, while she herself was embraced by the weeping mother. This moving scene was completed by the entrance of Grieve himself, who falling on his knees before the Count, behold, said he, a penitent who at length can look upon his patron without shrinking. Ah, burdened, cried he, raising and folding him in his arms, the play-fellow of my infancy, the companion of my youth. Is it to you then I am indebted for my life? Heaven has heard my prayer, said the other, and given me an opportunity to prove myself not altogether unworthy of your clemency and protection. He then kissed the Countess, while Monsur de Malville saluted his wife and lovely daughter, and all of us were greatly affected by this pathetic recognition. In a word, Grieve was no other than Ferdinand Count Fathom, whose adventures were printed many years ago. Being a sincere convert to virtue, he had changed his name, that he might allude the enquiries of the Count, whose generous allowance he determined to forego, that he might have no dependence, but upon his own industry and moderation. He had accordingly settled in this village as a practitioner in surgery and physics, and for some years wrestled with all the miseries of indigence, which, however, he and his wife had born with the most exemplary resignation. At length, by dint of unweary detention to the duties of his profession, which he exercised with equal humanity and success, he had acquired tolerable share of business among the farmers and common people, which enabled him to live in a decent manner. He had been scarce ever seen and was unaffectedly pious, and all the time he could spare from the avocations of his employment, he spent in educating his daughter and in studying for his own improvement. In short, the adventurer of Adam was, under the name of Grieve, universally respected among the commonality of this district, as a prodigy of learning and virtue. These particulars are learned from the vicar when we quitted the room, that they might be under no restraint in their mutual effusions. Grieve was very concerned about that Grieve will be pressed to leave off business and reunite himself to the Count's family, and as the Countess seemed extremely fond of his daughter, she will in all probability insist upon Seraphine accompanying her to Scotland. Having paid our compliments to these noble persons, we returned to the Squires, where we expected an invitation to pass the evening and lay it in where I caught cold. In hope of riding it down before it could take fast hold on my constitution, I resolved to visit another relation, one Mr. Pimpernel, who lived about a dozen miles from the place where we lodged. Pimpernel, being the youngest of four sons, was bread and attorney at Furnival's Inn, but all his elder brothers dying, he got himself called to the bar for the honour of his family, and soon after this preferment was very considerable. He carried home with him all the Navish chicanery of the lowest pettifogger, together with a wife whom he had purchased of a drayman for twenty pounds, and he soon found means to obtain a dedemus as an acting justice of peace. He is not only a sordid miser in his disposition, but his avarice is mingled with a spirit of despotism, a lord, a litigious neighbor, and a partial magistrate. Friends he has none, and in point of hospitality and good breeding, our cousin Burdock is a prince in comparison of this ungracious miscreant whose house is a lively representation of a jail. Our reception was suitable to the character I have sketched. Had it depended upon the wife, we should have been kindly treated. She is really not interested enough in her own house to command a draft of table beer far less to bestow any kind of education on her children who run about like tagged colts in a state of nature, pox on him. He is such a dirty fellow that I have not patience to prosecute the subject. By that time we reached Harrogate, I began to be visited by certain rheumatic symptoms. The Scotch lawyer, Mr. Mikkelwomen, tried the experiment. He had used it often with success and always stayed an hour in the bath which was a tub filled with Harrogate water heated for the purpose. If I could hardly bear the smell of a single tumbler when cold you may guess how my nose was regaled by the streams arising from a hot bath of the same fluid. At night I was conducted into a dark hole on the ground floor where the tub smoked and stunk like a dirty bed provided with thick blankets in which I was to sweat after coming out of the bath. My heart seemed to die within me when I entered this dismal bagno and found my brain assaulted by such insufferable effluvia. I cursed Mikkelwomen for not considering that my organs were formed on this side of the tweet but being ashamed to recoil upon the threshold I submitted and moved to the bed and wrapped in blankets. There I lay a full hour panting with intolerable heat but not the least moisture appearing on my skin I was carried to my own chamber and passed the night without closing an eye in such a flutter of spirits as rendered me the most miserable wretched being. I should certainly have run distracted if the removed the horrible disquiet. I lost two pounds of blood and more on this occasion and find myself still weak and languid but I believe a little exercise will forward my recovery and therefore I am resolved to set out tomorrow for York in my way to Scarborough where I propose to brace up my fibers by sea bathing which I know as one of your favorite specifics. There is however one disease for which you have found as yet no this unconnected epistle is an infallible symptom. What therefore cannot be cured must be endured by you as well as by yours Matt Bramble Harrogate June 26 End of Section 48 Section 49 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Giesen The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 49 to Swatkin Phillips Baronet of Jesus College Oxford Dear Knight the manner of living at Harrogate was so agreeable that I left the place with some regret. Our Aunt Tabby would probably have made some objection to our departing so soon had not an accident embroiled her with Mr. Mikkel Huiman the scotch advocate on whose heart she had been practising from the second day after our arrival. That original though seemingly precluded from the use of his limbs turned his genius to good account. In short by dint of groaning and whining he had excited the compassion of the company so effectually but an old lady who occupied the very best apartment in the house gave it up for his case and convenience. When his man led him into the long room all the females were immediately in commotion. One set an elbow chair another shook up the cushion a third brought a stool and a fourth a pillow for the accommodation of his feet. Two ladies of whom Tabby was always one supported him into the dining room and placed him properly at the table and his taste was indulged with a succession of delicacies culled by their fair hands. All this attention he repaid with a profusion of compliments and benedictions which were not the less agreeable for being delivered in the Scottish dialect. As for Mistress Tabitha his respects were particularly addressed to her and he did not fail to mingle them with religious reflections touching free grace knowing her bias to Methodism which he also professed upon a Calvinistical model. For my part I could not help thinking this lawyer was not such an invalid as he pretended to be. I observed he et very heartily three times a day and though his bottle was marked Stomacic Tincture he had recourse to it so often and seemed to swallow it with such peculiar relish that I suspected it was not compounded in the apothecary shop or the chemist's laboratory. One day while he was earnest in discourse with Mistress Tabitha and his servant had gone out on some occasion or other I dexterously exchanged the labels and situation of his bottle and mine and having tasted his tincture found it was excellent claret. I forthwith handed it about me to some of my neighbours and it was quite emptied before Mr. Mechel Huemann had occasion to repeat his draft. At length turning about he took hold of my bottle instead of his own and filling a large glass drank to the health of Mistress Tabitha. It had scarce touched his lips when he perceived the change which had been put upon him and was at first a little out of countenance. He seemed to retire within himself in order to deliberate and in half a minute his resolution was taken. Addressing himself to our quarter I give the gentleman credit for his wet said he. It was a good practical joke but sometimes he yokey in Seria Ducunt Mala. I hope for his own sake he for it was a very powerful infusion of Jalap in Bordeaux wine. At its possible he may attain sicker dorsus will produce a terrible catastrophe in his inboules. By far the greater part of the contents had fallen to the share of a young clothier from Leeds who had come to make a figure at Harrogate and was in effect a great cox crumb in his way. It was with a view to laugh at his fellow guests as well as to mortify the lawyer that he had emptied the bottle when it came to his turn and he had laughed accordingly. But now his must gave way to his apprehension. He began to spit to make rye faces and rye himself into various contortions. Dumb the stuff cried he in his twang. Puh! Either would Cousinus Scott one get up be times and take old scratch for his counsellor. In truth Mester watch your calm replied the lawyer. Your weight has run you into a filthy puddle. I'm truly concerned for your wayful case. The best advice I can give you in sicker war without delay and in the meantime swallow all the oil and butter you can find in the hoofs to defend your poor stomach and intestines from the vilication of the particles of the jalape which is very violent even when taken in moderation. The poor clothier's torments had already begun. He retired roaring with pain to make the oil was swallowed and the doctor sent for but before he arrived the miserable patient had made such discharges upwards and downwards that nothing remained to give him further offence and this double evacuation was produced by imagination alone for what he had drank was genuine wine of Bordeaux the clothier finding the joke turned out so expensive and disagreeable quitted the house next morning leaving the triumph to Mechel Huiman who enjoyed it internally without any outward signs of exaltation on the contrary he affected to pity the young man it was about the middle of the night which succeeded this adventure that the vent of the kitchen chimney being foul the sort took fire and the alarm was given in a dreadful manner everybody leapt naked out of bed and in a minute the whole house was filled with cries and confusion there was two stairs in the house locked up by the people pressing upon one another that it seemed impossible to pass without throwing down and trampling upon the women in the midst of this anarchy Mr. Mechel Huiman with a leather portmanteau on his back came running as nimble as a buck along the passage and Tabby in her under petticoat endeavouring his protection he very fairly pushed her down crying na na good faith charity begins at home without paying the least respect to the shrieks and entreaties of his female friends he charged through the midst of the crowd overturning everything that opposed him and actually fought his way to the bottom of the staircase by this chamber by which he entered the window of my uncle's chamber where our family was assembled and proposed that we should make our exit successively by that conveyance the squire exhorted his sister to begin the descent but before she could resolve her woman Mistress Winifred Jenkins could help on the ground that he might receive her in her descent this maiden was just as she had started out of bed the moon shone very bright and a fresh breeze of wind blowing none of Mistress Winifred's beauties could possibly escape the view of the fortunate clinker whose heart was much mistaken if he has not been her humble slave from that moment he received her in his arms and giving her his coat to protect her from the weather ascended again with admirable dexterity at that instant the landlord of the house called out with an audible voice to the audience and produced an immediate effect the shrieking ceased and a confused sound of ex-postulation ensued I conducted Mistress Tabitha and my sister to their own chamber where Liddy fainted away but was soon brought to herself then I went to offer my services to the other ladies who passed to their several apartments and as the thoroughfare was lighted by two lamps I had a pretty good observation of them in their transit but as most of them were naked to the smock and all their heads shrouded in huge night-caps I could not distinguish one face from another though I recognised and some prayed I lifted up one poor old gentlewoman who had been overturned and so bruised by a multitude of feet and this was also the case with the lame person from Northumberland whom Mikkel women had in his passage overthrown though not with impunity for the cripple in falling gave him as for this lawyer he waited below till the hurly burly was over and then stole softly to his own chamber from whence he did not venture to make a second sally till eleven in the forenoon when he was led into the public room by his own servant and another assistant groaning most woefully with a bloody were greatly altered the selfish brutality of his behaviour on the stairs had steeled their hearts against all his arts and address not a soul offered to accommodate him with a chair cushion or foot stool so that he was obliged to sit down on a hard bench in that position with a whining tone your most humble servant ladies fire is a dreadful calamity fire purifies gold and it tries friendship cried mistress tabitha bridling yea madame replied nickel women and it trieth discretion also friend in adversity you are eminently possessed of that virtue resumed our aunt now madame rejoined the advocate well I ward I cannot claim any merit from the mode of my retreat you'll please to observe ladies there are toire independent principles that actuate our nature one is instinct and the other is reason no in certain great emergencies when the faculty of reason is suspended instinct tax the lead and when this predominates having no affinity with reason it pays no sort of regard to its connections it only operates for the preservation of the individual and that by the most expeditious and effectual means therefore begon your pardon ladies I'm no accountable in far or consky entii for what I did while under the influence of this irresistible poor here my uncle interposing I should be glad to know said he whether it was instinct that prompted you to retreat with bag and the lawyer answered without hesitation if I might tell you my mind freely without incurring the suspicion of presumption I should think it was something superior to either reason or instinct which suggested that measure and this on a twafled account in the first place the portmante contained the writings of a worthy nobleman's estate and there being would have occasioned a loss that could not be repaired secondly my good angel seems to have laid the portmante on my shoulders by way of defence to sustain the violence of a most inhuman blow from the crutch of a reverent clergyman which even in spite of that medium hath wounded me sorely even under the perichronium by your doctrine cried the person who chanced to be present I am not accountable for the blow which was the effect of instinct a creave your pardon reverent sir said the other instinct never acts but for the preservation of the individual but your preservation was out of the case you had already received the damage and therefore the blow must be imputed to revenge which is a sinful passion that ill becomes any Christian especially a protestant divine and let me tell you most reverent doctor inna had a mind to plea the law would hold my libel relevant why the damage is pretty equal on both sides broke and my crutch is snapped in the middle now if you will repair the one I will be at the expense of curing the other this sally raised the laugh against Michel woman who began to look grave when my uncle in order to change the discourse observed that instinct had been very kind to him limbs which in his exit he had moved with surprising agility he replied that it was the nature of fear to brace up the nerves and mentioned some surprising feats of strength and activity performed by persons under the impulse of terror but he complained that in his own particular the effects had ceased when the cause was taken away the squire he would lay a tea drinking on his head that he should dance a scotch measure without making a full step and the advocate grinning called for the piper a fiddler being at hand this original started up with his bloody napkin over his black tie periwig and acquitted himself in such a manner as excited the mirth of the whole company but he could be a mistress tabby who did not understand the principle of instinct and the lawyer did not think it worth his while to proceed to further demonstration from harrigate we came hither by the way of york and here we shall tarry some days as my uncle and tabitha are both resolved to make use of the waters which are gigantic from its situation along a cliff that overhangs the sea the harbour is formed by a small elbow of land that runs out as a natural mole directly opposite to the town and on that side is the castle which stands very high of considerable extent and before the invention of gunpowder was counted impregnable in historic rooms for the use of the company who resort to this place in the summer to drink the waters and bathe in the sea and the diversions are pretty much on the same footing here as at Bath the spa is a little way beyond the town on this side under a cliff within a few paces there are a number of steps which invalids find very inconvenient betwixt the well and the harbour the bathing machines are ranged along the beach with all their proper utensils and attendants you have never seen one of these machines image to yourself a bench below the bather ascending into this apartment by wooden steps shuts himself in and begins to undress are the attendant yokes a horse to the end next to the sea and draws the carriage forwards till the surface of the water is on a level with the floor of the dressing room then he moves and fixes the horse to the other end of the strip opens the door to the seaward where he finds the guide ready and plunges headlong into the water after having bathed he reassents into the apartment by the steps which had been shifted for that purpose and puts on his clothes at his leisure while the carriage is drawn back again upon the dry land he went up should he be so weak or ill as to require a servant to put off and on his clothes there is room enough in the apartment for half a dozen people the guides who attend the ladies in the water are off their own sex and they and the female bathers have a dress of flannel for the sea nay they are provided with other patterns are fitted with tilts that project from the seaward ends of them so as to screen the bathers from the view of all persons whatsoever the beach is admirably adapted for this practice the descent being gently gradual and the sand soft as velvet but then the machines can be used only at a certain time the bathers are obliged to rise very early in the morning for my part I love swimming as an exercise and can enjoy it at all times of the tide without the formality of an apparatus you and I have often plunged together into the Isis but the sea is a and how it braces every sinew of the human frame where I to enumerate half the diseases which are every day cured by sea bathing you might justly say you had received a treatise instead of a letter from your affectionate friend and servant J. Malford Scarborough July 1st end of section 49 section 50 of the expedition of Humphrey Clinker this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Deborah Lynn the expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett section 50 to Dr. Lewis I have not found all the benefit I expected at Scarborough where I have been these eight days by the way of York where we stayed only one day to visit the castle the minister in the assembly room the first which was heretofore a fortress is now converted to a prison and is the best in all respects I ever saw at home or abroad it stands in a high situation extremely well ventilated and has a spacious area within the walls for the health and convenience of all the prisoners except those that the situation can admit here the sizes are held in a range of buildings erected for that purpose as for the minister I know not how to distinguish it except by its great size and the height of its spire from those other ancient churches in different parts of the kingdom which used to be called monuments of Gothic architecture but it is now agreed that this style is Saracen rather than Gothic and I suppose it was first the dominion of the Moors those British architects who adopted this style don't seem to have considered the propriety of their adoption the climate of the country possessed by the Moors or Saracens both in Africa and Spain was so exceedingly hot and dry that those who built places of worship for the multitude employed their talents in contriving and having little communication with the scorched external atmosphere but ever affording a refreshing coolness like subterranean cellars in the heats of summer or natural cabins in the bowels of huge mountains but nothing could be more preposterous than to imitate such a motive architecture in a country like England where the climate is cold and the air eternally loaded with vapors and where of consequence I was in a church at bath but once and the moment I stepped over the threshold I found myself chilled with the very marrow of my bones when we consider that in our churches in general we breathe the gross stagnated air surcharged with damps from vaults tombs and charnel houses may we not term them so many magazines of rooms created for the benefit of this year I should be glad to know what offense it would give to tender consciences if the house of God was made more comfortable or less dangerous to the health of valitudinarians and whether it would not be an encouragement to piety as well as the salvation of many lives if the place of worship was well floored wainscotted warmed and ventilated by parish priests who pretended that the devil could have no power over the defunct if he was interred in holy ground and this indeed is the only reason that can be given for consecrating all cemeteries even at this day the external appearance of an old cathedral cannot be but displeasing to the eye of every man who has any idea of propriety or proportion even though he may be ignorant of architecture as a science to his shoulder these towers or steeples were likewise borrowed from the Mohammedans who having no bells used such minarets for the purpose of calling the people to prayers they may be of further use however for making observations and signals but I would vote for their being distinct from the body of the church because they serve only to make the pile more barbarous or serocenical there is nothing of this Arabic architecture in the assembly room which seems to me it might be converted into an elegant place of worship but it is indifferently contrived for that sort of idolatry which is performed at present the grandeur of the feign gives a diminutive effect to the little painted divinities that are adorned in it and the company on a ball night must look like an assembly of fantastic fairies reveling by moonlight among the columns of a grecian temple Scarborough seems to be falling off in point of reputation all these places bath accepted have their vogue and then the fashion changes I am persuaded there are fifty spas in England as efficacious and salutary as that of Scarborough though they have not yet risen to fame and perhaps never will unless some medical encomias should find an interest in displaying their virtues to the public view be that as it may recourse will always be had to this place for the convenience of sea bathing while this practice prevails but were to be wished they would make the beach I have here met with my old acquaintance Hewitt whom you have often heard me mention as one of the most original characters upon earth I first knew him at Venice and afterwards saw him in different parts of Italy where he was well known by the nickname of Cavallo Bianco from his appearing always mounted on a pale horse like death and the revelations you must remember the account I once gave you of a curious dispute he had a Constantinople religion a dispute from which he acquired the epithet of demonstrator the truth is H owns no religion but that of nature but on this occasion he was stimulated to shoe his part for the honor of his country some years ago being in the Camp Fidoglio at Rome he made up to the bust of Jupiter and bowing very low exclaimed in the Italian language I hope sir if ever you get this cell he was reported to the Cardinal Camerlengo and by him laid before Pope Benedict XIV who could not help laughing at the extravagance of the address and said to the Cardinal those English heretics think they have a right to go to the devil in their own way indeed H was the only Englishman I ever knew who had resolution enough to live in his own way in the midst of foreigners for neither in dress, nor in life had he been brought up about 12 years ago he began a gyro or circuit which he thus performed at Naples where he fixed his headquarters he embarked from Marseille from once he traveled with a voyteurin to Antibes there he took his passage to Genoa and Larici from which last place he proceeded by the way and then continued his route for Naples in order to wait for the next opportunity of embarkation after having 12 times described this circle he lately flew off at a tangent to visit some trees at his country house in England which he had planted above 20 years ago after the plan of the double colonnade in the Piazza of St. Peter's at Rome he came hither to Scarborough where he sacrificed so liberally to Bacchus that next day he was seized with a fit of the apoplexy which has a little impaired his memory but he retains all the oddity of his character in perfection and is going back to Italy by the way of Genoa that he may have a conference with his friend Voltaire about giving the last blow to the Christian superstition he intends to take shipping here for the first lands when he was going abroad the last time he took his passage in a ship bound for Leghorn and his baggage was actually embarked in going down the river by water he was by mistake put on board of another vessel under sail and upon inquiry understood she was bound to Petersburg Petersburg said he was on board of Muscovy from once he traveled by land to receive his baggage at Leghorn he is now more likely than ever to execute a whim of the same nature and I will hold any wager that as he cannot be supposed to live much longer according to the course of nature his exit will be as odd as his life has been extravagant at the house of Vanini in Florence being taken with a suppression of urine he resolved in imitation of pomponious Atticus to take himself off by abstinence and this resolution he executed like an ancient Roman he saw company to the last cracked his jokes conversed freely and entertained his guests with music on the third day of his vast he found himself entirely in his past and he should be a cursed fool indeed to put about ship when he was just entering the harbor in these sentiments he persisted without any marks of affectation and thus finished his course with such ease and serenity as would have done honor to the firmest stoyk of antiquity but to return from one humorous to obliged me to leave the place for I can't bear the thoughts of affording a spectacle to the multitude yesterday morning at six o'clock I went down to the bathing place attended by my servant clinker who waited on the beach as usual the wind blowing from the north and the weather being hazy the water proved so chill that when I rose took it for granted I was drowning and rushing into the sea clothes and all overturned the guide into his hurry to save his master I had swam out a few strokes when hearing a noise I turned about and saw clinker already up to his neck advancing towards me with all the wildness of terror in his aspect afraid he would get out of his depth I made haste to meet him when all of a sudden he seized me by one ear dragged me bellowing with the encouragement of all the people men and women and children there assembled I was so exasperated by the pain of my ear and the disgrace of being exposed in such an attitude that in the first transport I struck him down then running back into the sea took shelter in the machine where my clothes had been deposited I soon recollected myself so far which was immediately drawn on shore I saw him standing by the wheel dropping like a water work and trembling from head to foot partly from cold and partly from the dread of having offended his master I made my acknowledgments for the blow he had received I assured him I was not angry and insisted upon his going home immediately to shift his clothes a command which he could hardly find in his heart to execute and was laudable without all doubt but nevertheless I am a sufferer by his simplicity I have had a burning heat and a strange buzzing noise in that ear ever since it was so roughly treated that I cannot walk the street without being pointed at as the monster that was hauled naked ashore upon the beach while I affirm that folly is often more provoking than navery I and more mischievous with yours Matt Bramble Scarborough July 4 End of section 50