 So, one of our members posted a question about a man she'd been communicating with to arrange her first date. And what happened was that they texted, it seems to me I think they probably had more text communication than any telephone call because during the text he had suggested that she come to his part of town and they live in New York roughly about 20 minutes from each other and he claimed that this part of town is nicer than her part of town that there are more fun things to do in his part of town. Now her first reaction was that he was rather snobby suggesting that maybe where he lives is better than when she lives. That's not how I view this and I thought I'd dive into a deeper conversation about men when these things occur. So what in my perception and again with that with limited information and she shared the text message and I didn't think it was it came across snobby and yet to some degree I could see how some parts of town are better than others. I live in Los Angeles, I live in a beach town area but Beverly Hills is a nicer place in town to go out for nicer food if you will. Okay, so but coming back to his suggestion of coming to his part of town. Now my belief is he's acting from a lazy perspective, lazy. And the reality is most men these days have become rather lazy in the dating realm for a number of different reasons and I think it's important to explore why this happens rather than judging it. So when I talk about lazy I want you to imagine this. A lot of men get we get we tend to get rejected more by women than men than men rejecting women. Now that's in the case of asking out on first dates. We tend to get rejected more often so put that in a box for a second. I know men may not be noncommittal in and relationships and that's a different story. So we get rejected more often. Because of that it wears on our self esteem it wears on our ability to feel confident. Now you might hear that and go well why would I want to be with a man who isn't confident. The reality is is for most of us in midlife on some level we've experienced a lot of rejection because we might have experienced a divorce which is a sense of rejection we might have been in a relationship that ended and there's a sense of rejection. And what's happened is men have kind of lost that drive to chase for those men who are in midlife to chase. Now part of the reason that they're not chasing in this particular case more than likely is this. He views this person refuse this member of ours as a what I call a maybe a maybe. And what that means is maybe likes her maybe doesn't like her. Now most likely all the information he has to go on is a few pictures and a few text messages. That's not enough information to put that person in a category of like oh I really want to pursue this person unless he feels a strong affinity for the profile. Unless you've had this spectacular telephone call that suggests that you really want to connect with this person which I don't believe happened. I believe they probably just had text exchange. The reality in this particular case is he fuses her as a maybe and he wants to put in minimal effort. That's what I mean by lazy minimal effort. Now does that make a man bad. Sure if you're listening to the feminine energy coaches that say men must do the chasing and men must do this and men must do that. And yeah he's not your guy but let's look at this situation. So it's a 20 minute schlep to his part of town. If you did decide to go okay. What's the worst thing that's going to happen. You drew you know you have a 20 minute ride back okay. And you and it was a miserable day okay. I could see that happening but what happens if you hit it off with one another. Is it worth making a big deal about the travel. Now the same could be said why isn't he traveling to her. Well I'm going to make the following suggestion in this particular case. My guess is they've mostly had telephone calls or excuse me. Text exchanges which is very difficult to communicate with our thumbs are our you know human communication I believe 80 to 90 percent is nonverbal. We weren't designed to communicate with our thumbs. It makes it very difficult. I know I have a challenge communicating with my thumbs. And in other words a lot of the thoughts that are here don't get conveyed on the screen. And then sometimes I'm back you know like my grammar could be off or you know I forgot to put a punctuation or something like that. I used your instead of you are you know so. So these things happen with this type of communication. So what I would suggest in this particular case is rather than meeting up is to have a phone date. My suggestion would be to initiate a telephone call where you actually speak for an hour or so to build up some rapport over the phone. Look it's challenging these days to meet total strangers and I get it. You don't want to go get on a subway to go uptown or downtown or wherever he lives and you don't want to invest that either. The reality is is men and women want to invest the least amount of time and we judge men as being bad for wanting to invest the least amount of time. The reality is is these days it's frustrating to date in this in this internet age. It's uncomfortable to date people that you know very little about that are total strangers and worse. It's that we look at a profile and we put this person in this maybe category but that because it isn't so substantially stunning enough to say oh my God she's you know that Farrah Fawcett and I'm going to chase her wherever she lives. I'm picking on Farrah Fawcett because I'm from that Charlie's Angels era. By the way I was more of a Jacqueline Smith fan anyway. Also kind of had a thing for Cheryl Ladd but that's another story. Okay coming back to is he lazy? It's really he just wants to make the least amount of effort. That doesn't make him a bad guy. So why not initiate a telephone call. Just simply say hey you know before we meet is it okay if that we chat on the phone for a little bit to get to know each other before we meet and that way you've initiated the effort. You might be going oh my God that's in your masculine energy. No it is not in your masculine energy to initiate a telephone call. And simply say hey before we meet it would be great to talk on the phone to get to know each other a little bit. So let's say you talk on the phone. On the phone you can make a little joke say you know I'm going to be honest with you. When you suggest it coming to your part of town I kind of thought you were snobby and I just wanted to own that okay I thought you're kind of snobby and I wanted to own that. The point is see how he responds to that because if he is snobby he will go into a controlling defensive behavior actually it doesn't have to be snobby to go go into a controlling defensive behavior but if he gets defensive about it it gives you a clue on where his bandwidth is quite frankly on his sense of humor because you can make it a little bit of a joke to say you know what I'll be honest with you. I thought you were snobby and you can say a tongue of a cheek okay. Now you've established this telephone call this rapport you can simply say you know it would make me feel great or it would feel really awesome if you just came to my part of town that shows you know I prefer that makes me feel safer and you know I'd like to get to know you and meet you but and at the same time I'd feel safer if we came to my part of town see how he reacts now you must keep in mind most guys are talking to three or four women at the same time most women are talking to three or four men at the same time and this might be a deal breaker a lot of men do the numbers game they're communicating with a lot of people at the same time which is very natural with this medium you're meeting a total stranger you haven't met through mutual friends okay this is the tricky part but we can make a big deal you can make a mountain out of a molehill you could simply say he's snobby and you can just reject him or you could simply make a little bit of effort to see if he's willing to meet you halfway I don't mean well you can meet you halfway in a different part of town maybe you guys meet somewhere in town that's only 10 minutes from each other that's another option as well but I want you to know men are lazy they want to make the least amount of effort that doesn't make them bad men that doesn't make them unavailable for a relationship it's just a natural byproduct of what's happening using this medium of technology to connect with people he doesn't know who you are yet you don't know who he is yet at the same time sometimes we have to roll the dice because you might be surprised you never know if this might be a person worth exploring so again you can meet up with them that's one option I suggest getting on a telephone call just to see if you have telephone report in that telephone call suggests somewhere halfway or somewhere near you which would make you feel safer and then see how he responds to that that'll give you an indication if he's a good guy or not if he likes your profile enough he'll make the effort I know if I like the woman's profile enough I'd make the effort and yet I have been very lazy to I'd rather people come to me listen after COVID a lot of people don't want to go anywhere these days so this is just a natural byproduct of what's happening in the dating mating relating realm is this sinking in is this resonating please let me know please post a comment below I'd like to hear your thoughts on this if you have something to add I'd really appreciate it as always if you find value in the group please tell your friends about midlife love mastery send them to my website Jonathan as a dot com have them click the group coaching button so you they can join our fantastic group and I'm gonna sign up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear out of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow there's a teddy bear give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we could all use more love in our lives thanks a bunch bye bye now