 That's all I can tell you now, I've lunched together, we've talked together, boy. Oh, it's Armist Brooks starring Eve Arden. In the year she has been teaching English at Madison High, Armist Brooks has learned a few cardinal rules concerning her principle, Mr. Conklin. One was to be punctual always, another was to be agreeable at all times. And a third was, never cross your principle until you came to him. Bearing this in mind when Mr. Conklin suggested a method a few weeks ago of beating the high price of meat, I listened very carefully. His idea was for a few of us to chip in with him and buy a whole steer and keep it in a frozen food plant. Thus it would make good meat available to us at a reasonable price whenever we wanted it. The scheme sounded feasible, so my landlady Mrs. Davis and Mr. Boynton and I joined the Conklin's in his project. It worked perfectly until this past week. Thursday morning started out just like any of the others had since Ferdinand had entered our lives. Conklin, you've hardly eaten a thing. Don't you like your breakfast this morning? I should say I do Mrs. Davis, this beef stew is delicious. I've had enough of it. I had a hunch you'd say that. You should, I've been saying it since Monday. I'm sorry I had to serve this four-day-old stuff, Connie, but since we bought that steer, we've had more meat than we know what to do with. And anyway... Oh, that's probably Walter to pick me up. Come on in, Walter. The door's open. I hope he brought his appetite with him. Maybe he'll do away with some of this meat. Or vice versa. Good morning, Miss Brooks. Morning, Mrs. Davis. Hello, Walter. You look a bit gloomy, dear. Yeah, I am. Would you like a bite to eat? That usually cheers you up. What do you got? How about a slab of beef on a nice pointed stick? You know, thanks. I'm in big trouble with Harriet Conklin. Well, why not sit down and try a little of our stew? That ought to make you forget Harriet for a while. That ought to make him forget everything for a while. You're eating beef stew for breakfast? Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We've been battling it for the past four days now, Walter. Well, the way I feel this morning, I couldn't eat a thing. I'm never hungry when Harriet isn't talking to me. What happened this time? Well, it all started over a little thing at the Conklin's last night. I was sitting in the living room with Harriet and Mr. and Mrs. Conklin when suddenly Harriet spied a large insect. A praying mantis, to be exact. Well, they're perfectly harmless, but you've never heard two women scream the way Harriet and Mrs. Conklin did. Oh, they were terrified. Well, in the midst of the commotion, Mr. Conklin calmly took off his shoe and killed the thing. What's that got to do with Harriet not talking to you? Well, I began kidding her about the fact that girls always go to pieces in an emergency. Well, one word led to another and she ended up not speaking to me. I guess I shouldn't have teased her about something that's obviously so true. You mean you really believe that men react better to emergencies than girls do? Oh, present company accepted, of course. But then I never think of you as a girl, Miss Brooks. Thanks a million. What I mean is you'd never get into a panic over a little thing like an insect. Of course you wouldn't. Neither of us would. Oh, I know it, Mrs. Davis, but you're different. Oh, for instance, that little mouse running across the floor doesn't bother you too in the least. Mouse! Ah! Go on! There, he's gone, Miss Brooks. You can relax. Oh, I'm perfectly relaxed, Walter. I was just a bit startled, that's all. Yeah, I know. You can get down off that chair now. Oh, yes. I'm surprised at you, Connie, climbing up on the chair. Where else could I go? You're on the table. Oh, so I am. I was wondering how I suddenly got so tall. You see what I mean? All women react alike in emergencies. Oh, look, Walter, just because we were a wee bit upset by a mouse is no reason to think we'd be over-emotional under any other circumstances. Please notice how rapidly I return to normal. Right now, I'm as calm as can be. Ah! Miss Brooks, why, you pull yourself together. Hello, Davis residents. Walter Denton speaking. Oh, hello, Walter. This is Mr. Boyden. Could I speak to Miss Brooks, please? You'll have to wait until she gets a grip on herself, Mr. Boyden. Gets a grip on herself? Yeah, she just saw a mouse. Miss Brooks and Mrs. Davis were leaping on chairs and tables like a brace of gazelles. Oh, boy, it almost knocked me out. Hand me that phone or I'll finish the job. Hello, Mr. Boyden. Oh, hello, Miss Brooks. Hey, what's this about you and Mrs. Davis leaping on chairs and tables at the sight of a mouse? I wish I'd been there. I wish you had too. There was an extra chair. But I'm sure you didn't call up just to laugh at me, Mr. Boyden. Oh, now don't get sore, Miss Brooks. I'm not sore, Mr. Boyden. Not in the least. I suppose you share the popular belief that all women get panicky in emergencies. Well, it's a known fact that men are cooler than women are in tense situations. But it's nothing to get angry about. I told you I'm not angry. If you want to call up and laugh at me, that's your business. If you choose to insult me by telling me how quickly I go to pieces, that's up to you. But to accuse me of being sore and angry is more than I care to take. The next thing you'll be saying is that I'm mad. That's just what you're thinking, isn't it, Mr. Boyden? Well, for your information, I am neither sore, angry nor mad. And neither you or anybody else can accuse me of it. Do you hear me, Mr. Boyden? Neither you or anybody else. Well, Miss Brooks, please try to cool down. I am cool. I'm cute as a coolcomber. I mean, cool as a cucumber. Now, good. And I'll tell you what I called about it. I know what you called about, and it's typical of your sneaky nature to call when it would embarrass me the most. Goodbye. My goodness, Connie, you shouldn't have gotten so peeved at Mr. Boyden. Well, I hate being told that men can handle emergencies better than women, Mrs. Davis. I know, but there's nothing you can do about it this minute, dear. Maybe not. The way I feel now, if a mantis gets in my way today, he'd better pray. Wait up a minute. Oh, good morning, Harriet. Oh, I'm glad I caught you before you went into your first class. I wanted to talk to you. What is it, dear? Well, you've probably heard about the enormous insect at our house last night. Harriet, that's no way to talk about your father. Oh, you mean the praying mantis? Yes, I've heard about it. Well, since last night, Mother and I have heard so much about male superiority and emergencies that I'm not talking to Walter and Mother's not talking to Daddy. Well, don't look now, but Mr. Boyden's just joined the club. You mean you're not speaking to Mr. Boyden either? Why? Was there a praying mantis at your house, too? No, just a mouse. Mrs. Davis and I became a bit unnerved when we saw one, and Walter blabbed about it to Mr. Boyden on the phone. Oh, I see. What about Mrs. Davis' cat, Minerva? The good thing she wasn't there. She'd have been more frightened than any of us. Well, I wish there was something we could do about it. Ah, here you are, Harriet. Good morning, Ms. Brooks. Good morning, Mr. Counselor. We were just talking about you. Oh, did Harriet tell you how I slew that enormous praying mantis last night? Yes, sir. I understand you're having it mounted for your trophy room. And it looks casting aspersions on my courage is most ill-timed, coming as it does from one who has spent the better part of the morning perched on a dining room chair. Why that little stool pigeon? I wouldn't have brought up the episode had you not made your disparaging remark. It's hardly necessary to reiterate a truism we are all aware of that in emergencies large and small men are much superior to women. Daddy, you have no right... Dryland! You wouldn't care to discuss the point further, would you, Ms. Brooks? Not with my salary check due tomorrow. That is no, sir. Very well. Now, Harriet, I want you to go home immediately after school and help your mother prepare for our dinner party tonight. She broke her silence long enough to call and tell me she wanted you. All right, Daddy. You're having a big dinner tonight, sir? Yes, Ms. Brooks, for several members of the Board of Education. That steer we bought certainly comes in handy. Without it, I could never have invited all those important people. Oh, that reminds me, I'll have to take a trip down to the refrigerator plant this afternoon for some steak. I could lend you some beef stew. No, thanks. Well, I've got to get back to my office. I hope you two will voluntarily break up this cafe-clatch, or will I have to get a mouse and stampede you? Oh, a mouse and stampede? Oh, I will have my little joke. Little is right. Now, you see, Ms. Brooks, doesn't that attitude make you furious? It certainly does, Harriet. There must be some way to eliminate it. There is. But where can we find a long enough wall to line up the male population of the United States? I was still quite incensed over Mr. Boynton's attitude toward female inferiority in emergencies. He must have realized how I felt, because as he approached my table in the school cafeteria, he had a peace offering in his hand. Where some men give their girlfriends flowers or candy after an argument, Mr. Boynton's gift was more original. Here, Ms. Brooks, I brought you a plate of noodle soup. Noodle soup? Is this to be construed as a peace-feeler, Mr. Boynton? You might say that, yes. Oh, it's got a lot of noodles in it. Well, if you think you can bribe me with lavish gifts, you are mistaken. Now, I'll thank you to leave me alone if you have nothing further to say. But I have, Ms. Brooks. Yes? What am I going to do with the soup? Use it as a finger ball. Young rope with the noodle. Excuse me, Mr. Boynton. Please, Ms. Brooks, there's no reason for us to be on the outs like this. Look, do you mind if I sit down for just a minute? There are no reserved seats in the cafeteria, Mr. Boynton, so there's not much I can do about it. Well, I don't know how we got into that argument on the phone in the first place. Now, you see, my folks came into town unexpectedly, and you were the first person I thought of to help entertain them. Your folks? Yes. I called to ask you to play hostess at a little dinner party I'm giving them at my place tonight. Well, that's very flattering, Mr. Boynton. I thought you'd appreciate it. I mean, you've always seemed to like my folks, and, uh, well, now I need your services for something else, too. You want me to cook for dinner? No, dead stomach hasn't been too strong lately. Oh, it's not that you aren't a good cook. It's not that I am, either. Well, I'm in kind of a spot, Ms. Brooks. I have no meat for the table tonight and no money to buy any. Well, that shouldn't be any problem. Why don't you go down to the refrigeration plant and pack a few yards off the dinosaur of the cattle world? That's just it, Ms. Brooks. Mr. Conklin forgot to pay the rent on the frozen food locker, and they told him today that none of us could go near our steer until the rent was paid. He doesn't have the money. You know what this means, Ms. Brooks? Vegetarianism is about to get some converts. Look, I'd like to help you out, Mr. Boynton, but I haven't any money, either. Oh, I wouldn't ask you for money, Ms. Brooks. But I have a little scheme. A scheme? Mr. Conklin, Mrs. Davis, and I are all known at the locker since we've been there many times to pick up meat. But you've never been there, have you? Not so far. Good. Well, just before closing time, there's only one man on duty. Now, if you could act as a sort of decoy and get him away from his desk for five minutes, I could sneak into the refrigeration room and get some meat. Now, do you follow me? Yeah, but who have we gotten the getaway car lefty? It's our own steer, Ms. Brooks. We'll straighten out the rent bill later on. Now, will you help me? Well, where do you stand on male superiority in emergencies, Mr. Boynton? Oh, now please, Ms. Brooks, this isn't the type of emergency we were talking about. I just meant that women have a tendency to fall apart under pressure. Well, don't look now, but your decoy has just disintegrated. Oh, but, Ms. Brooks... Sorry, you'll just have to get someone else. Well, I'm sorry I've made you angry again, but if that's the way you feel about it, I will have to get someone else. There isn't much time, so if you'll excuse me... It's a pleasure. I'll see you later, Ms. Brooks. Much later. Of all the nerve, asking me to help him, and then I should have dropped this noodle soup right into his lap. Men of the limit. Sometimes I wish... Well, there's no sense in going overboard. You must have money in the bank. Or were you rehearsing a speech for your class? I'm afraid you're wrong on two counts, Mr. Conklin. No matter. Ms. Brooks, I'd like to make a mend for my curt treatment this morning. Look, I've brought you a little gift. Why, Mr. Conklin, you shouldn't have. And it's just the color I like, too. Yes, I remember that you take your coffee black. Do you mind if I sit down? Not at all. Take this chair. It's still warm. To come straight at the point, Ms. Brooks, I have a little favor to ask you. I never would have guessed. I wouldn't dream of asking it, except in this dire emergency. Could you find it in your tender heart to lend me ten measly dollars until payday? I couldn't find ten measly cents in my measly heart. I'm flat broke, Mr. Conklin. I was afraid of that. Mr. Boynton told me the predicament you're both in, and you have my sympathy, sir. I'm going to need more than your sympathy, Ms. Brooks. You see, I need some meat desperately for tonight. And the little plan I've invented to get it requires your help. Yeah, but who've we got in the getaway car lefty? I beg your pardon? Does the plan involve my acting as a decoy for the lone man in the refrigerator plant while you lope into the locker room and pilfer some protein? What? Yes, yes. But how did you know? I've seen the picture. Mr. Boynton has a similar plan, and since you share the same low opinion of female behavior in emergencies, my answer to you is the same I gave Mr. Boynton. No, Mr. Conklin. No? I'm afraid you're barking up the wrong duck. Ms. Brooks, allow me to point out that there is a difference between Mr. Boynton's position and mine. A difference? I happen to be the principal of this institution, and as I have pointed out in the past, it is within my power to make your life here either pleasant or extremely unpleasant. Now my dear, what is your answer? Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Well, my acting as a decoy for the man in charge of the food locker seemed like the only way Mr. Conklin or anyone else for that matter was going to get a whack at our mammoth steer. So shortly before five that afternoon, we entered the refrigeration plant and approached the locker in front of which the man was sitting. Well, there's the man at that desk, Ms. Brooks. Now we've only got five minutes till closing time, so we've got to move fast. Well, I'll take care of him, Mr. Conklin. You just watch for a chance and sneak into the refrigeration. Right. Good luck, Ms. Brooks. Oh, pardon me, sir, but you've got to direct me to the owner of this company at once. I've got to see him immediately. It's urgent. Uh, just a minute, madam. What's the trouble? This is the premium meat company, isn't it? Yes. Then I'd better talk to Mr. Premium. It's an emergency. There is no Mr. Premium. I'm in charge here, lady. All the others have gone home. Oh, well, then you'd better come immediately. Something terrible has happened. Where? Where? Oh, out front. There's been a dreadful accident. A car just crashed into the back of your delivery truck and ruined the whole thing. A delivery truck, but I didn't hear anything. It was one of those silent, sneaky crashes. It demolished the whole front end of it. The front end? But you said the car crashed into the back of it. What are you, a district attorney or a meat watcher? I'm telling you, it's a mess. You'd better go out and take a look. Well, if it's as bad as you say, there's nothing to be gained by going out now. I might as well wait five minutes until closing time. Closing time? Well, that's too late. I mean, this won't wait. It isn't only the truck that's damaged. The crash ruined the rear end of the car in front of it. Well, that's my car. Bingo. I better have a look, although I'm not supposed to leave this desk until closing time. Oh, I'll keep an eye on things for you. Believe me, I'll call you the minute the hamburger gets restless. You just go right ahead. Well, okay, I'll be just a couple of months. Now to get to that refrigeration room and give Mr. Conklin the hand. Ooh, it's cold in here. Mr. Conklin, Mr. Conklin, are you in here? Over here, Miss Brooks, in this third row of stairs. Where, Mr. Conklin? Right here, Miss Brooks. What's the matter? Don't you recognize me? Oh, of course. You're the blue one without the government stamp. That is, you're not wearing your glasses, Mr. Conklin. I know it's so confoundedly cold in here. My breath fogged them so I couldn't see. Now, give me a hand with this steer and we'll get out. Well, Miss Brooks, didn't you hear me? You're talking to a leg of lamb. I'm over here. Oh, oh, yeah. Well, let's get going. It's so cold in here. Let's get going. It's so cold I can hardly stand it. Say, our steer hasn't got half as much meat on it as I thought. Please let go of my arm, Mr. Conklin. Sorry, but perhaps I'd better go... There's no one in there! How did he get back so soon? Quiet, Miss Brooks. Just remain perfectly silent. You won't know we're here. Well, now we can talk. Wait a minute. It's five o'clock. He's closing for the night. Closing for the night? Come on, Miss Brooks. Let us out! Let us out! Come back! It's no use, Mr. Conklin. The door is so thick he can't hear us. But he's got to hear us! Somebody's got to hear us! We'll freeze to death in here! I'll be calm, Mr. Conklin. Be calm. Yes, yes. That's it. That's it. We've got to do something, Miss Brooks. We'll freeze in here. Why, it won't take an hour and we'll be a stiff as these steers. And now, Mr. Conklin... I don't want to die! Please, Miss Brooks, don't let me die! I'll do anything you ask anything. Well, first, brush the sawdust off your knees. But I can't stand this cold! I can't stand it, I tell you! I'm going! I can sense it already! My whole life is beginning to unravel before my eyes. Please, Mr. Conklin, we're not drowning. We're only freezing to death. What am I saying? No, but it's true. I can feel the icy hand of the grim reaper on my throat. Your tie is caught in the pig's knuckle. Now, look, Mr. Conklin, I'm sure we won't be abandoned in here. Somebody will... What was that? It came from behind that big ham. What big ham? It's me. Who's me? The Boynton. I sneaked in about five minutes ago when the refrigerator door was open and there was no one on guard. Well, Walter came along to help me. Walter... Yeah, yeah, yeah! Gosh, it's chilly in here, isn't it? It's going to get chillier. We're locked in for the night. Locked in? For the night? But we'll freeze to death! Where do you know the Andrews Brothers? I did myself. The he-men will stop shivering for a minute. But I can't! I'm afraid! I just want to go... What was the door's opening? This way, madam. Like heaven, they're American! What were you expecting? Lacklanders. What are you doing here, Mrs. Davis? My brother Victor and his wife dropped in for dinner so I came down to get some meat. Luckily, I caught this man as he was leaving the building. Yeah, and if she hadn't paid part of the rent, she'd never have gotten in. Oh, what a break! It was extremely fortunate for all of us that you got here, Margaret. Especially for me. I certainly exploded the myth of male superiority in emergencies. Oh, I don't know! We weren't that panicky, Miss Brooks. You weren't, huh? Well, do you know something, Mr. Boynton? What? After seeing you three in action, I'll never be afraid of any other mice again. Now, here's the star of our show, Eve Arden. Well, such a demonstration of male superiority can only mean a superior headache. Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, transcribed, was produced and directed by Larry Byrne, written by Arthur Oldsburg and Al Lewis with the music of Lud Bluskin. Mr. Compton was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, and Joel Samuel. Time and over this same station, Eve Arden in the role of Madison High School's favorite English teacher, Miss Brooks, will again call the student body together. Don't you be absent. Our Miss Brooks is presented each week through the worldwide facilities of the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.