 ...the Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. ... In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. And LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. First, last, always. LSMFT, yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Friends, its only common sense that fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. And season after season, independent tobacco experts. Men who spend their lives buying, selling, and handling tobacco can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Real Lucky Strike tobacco. Fine tobacco that means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. At 50, 7... 59 American. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Bene with Mery Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Bene's home in Beverly Hills where, even as you and I, Rochester is filling out his income tax. Let's see... name Rochester Van Jones, occupation, butler, chauffeur, cook, gardener, ballot, masseur, window washer, and author of what to do in your spare time. Now let's see, exemptions. If married and your wife or husband had no income or if this is a joint return of husband and wife, list wife or husband. I better read that again. If married and your wife or husband had no income or if this is a joint return of husband and wife, list wife or husband. Yep, that's what it says. That's what the man, that's what the form says. Unfortunately, I'm single and have no wife or ages. Oh, hello Rochester. What are you doing? I'm filling out my income tax, Mr. Benny. It certainly is complicated. I'll help you out if you like. I sure would. All right, let's see the form. Hmm. Oh, Rochester, look at all the occupations you listed. You don't work that hard. Don't I? No. I got housemaid's knee clear up to the hip. What? And the back point, middle-aged spread takes over. Rochester, if you want me to help, you pay attention. Now let's see. Your income, what was your income last year? I don't want to tell them what my salary is. Why not? Boss, you pay it to me and I'm even ashamed to tell you. Rochester, you've got to put down your salary. Can I write it in red ink? Red ink, why? I want them to know I'm blushing. Now for the next question, list any extra monies you received as gratuities, gifts, or bonuses from your employer. Oh, boss, calm down. Well, let's get on to business expenses. How much did you spend last year? Let's see. There was $70 for uniforms, $20 for a lawyer, and $50 for advice in preparing last year's income tax. I thought I only charged you $40. You're lucky it was $50. It gives you a bigger deduction. Now we come to dependence. For every close relative you support, you can deduct $400 from your income tax. Well, let's see. There's my mother. Rochester, I didn't know you supported your mother. Oh, yes, that sweet little old lady. I take her to drive every Saturday night. Your mother? I happen to know that every Saturday night you take my car and go up on Mulholland Drive. Rochester! Now, don't give me that stuff about your mother. Last Saturday night, I followed you and I distinctly heard you mention Lena Horne. I said, mother, don't lean on the horn. Now, Rochester, after you sign this, all you have to do is... I'll get it. Hello, Jack. Well, hello, Mary. I wasn't expecting you. Come on in. Jack, it was such a beautiful day. I thought we might go for a walk. Yeah, let's do that. I feel like going out today. In fact, if you hadn't come along, I was going to call up my girlfriend, Gladys Obisco, and invite her out. Oh, is Gladys still around? Certainly, why? I thought Louis would be mayor auctioned her off last week. I don't like the way you're always picking on Gladys. She's got a nice figure. Did you ever see her in a bathing suit? Yes, and she looks like Gary Cooper. Only from a distance. So what if she is a little thin? She's homely, too. Now, wait a minute, Mary. Gladys may not be the most beautiful girl in the world. I mean, I won't even say that she's the most beautiful girl in the United States, or in Los Angeles, or in Beverly Hills, or in... You know, Mary, I think you got something. Well, I'll get my coat and we'll go for a walk. Okay, Jack, I'll sit here and read this letter I got from Mama. Well, a letter from your mother, eh? What does the worst years of your father's life have to say? My darling daughter, Mary, everything is fine at home, and the weather is getting to be real nice. We're pretty sure that winter is over now, because last month a groundhog came out of his hole, saw the sunshine, and went back in again to wake up Papa. Papa came out, saw me, and punched the groundhog right in the nose. Oh, your mother just put that in for a laugh. Now, now, where was I? Oh, yes. Even though it's nice now, two weeks ago, we had a severe blizzard, and when your uncle Harry came in from the barn, his milking hand was frozen. Gee. I hope it thaws out soon, as I'd like to get the cow out of the house. I are going to the movies tonight and see a new picture. I heard that the picture is all about Jack and his violin. It's called The Beast with Five Fingers. No other news, love and kisses from your mother, the shocking Mrs. Livingston. That's the silliest thing I ever listened to. Oh, wait a minute. P.S. I think your uncle Harry is thawing out, as I just heard a little squirt in the bucket. Why doesn't your mother write a letter sometimes without... No, who can that be? Say, Mr. Benny, I came over to ask you if it's all right to... Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. I came over to ask you if it's all right to... Hello, Dennis. Hello. I came over to ask you if it's all right to... How, uh, how do you feel, kid? Thanks. I came over to ask you if it's all right to... Dennis. Dennis, what happened to your face? It's all cut up. I know. When I shaved today, I tried out a new blade. Gee, the way you're cut up, what kind of a blade was it? Single edged or double edged? Double edged. Gee. Well, maybe you didn't have it in the razor, right? Oh, razor! Well, certainly. You're supposed to put the blade in the razor before you lather up. Oh, lather! Dennis, if you don't know how to work a safety razor, why don't you get an electric razor? I mean, that would be easy for you. Well, I tried an electric razor, but that doesn't work either. What do you mean it doesn't work? All you have to do is plug it in. Now, anyway, you haven't got a very heavy beard. I know. I take after my mother. Now, look, kid. Kid, what did you want to see me about? Well, I wanted to ask you if it's all right for me to sing. You can't see the sun when you're crying on the program next Sunday. Yeah, I guess it'll be all right. Let's hear your arrangement of it. Okay. We'll leave in a minute, Mary. Go ahead, kid. Beautiful songs I've ever heard. And I thought the way you... who came in? Dennis went out. Well, why don't you say goodbye or something? Maybe you're not paying him enough. Could be. Well, come on, Mary. Let's go for a walk. Wait a minute. Hello? Hello, Jack. This is Don. Oh, what is it, Don? Well, Jack, this quartet situation is pretty serious, and I think you... Don, I don't want to talk about the quartet anymore. But I just got a special delivery letter. I don't care if you got a... It's from the sponsor. Oh. What does he say? He says, Dear Mr. Wilson, unless Jack Benny has a quartet on his program immediately, next Sunday's show will open as follows. The Lucky Strike program starring Al Pears. Al Pears. With Tony Romano, Maddie Mayne, Spike Jones, Steppen Fetchett, and yours truly, Harry von Zell. What? L-S-S-O-S, L-S-S-O-S. Don, do you think the sponsor is really serious? I'll say he's serious. This letter is written on a Lucky Strike tobacco leaf. She used his personal stationery. Well, I'll see what I can do about it, Don. Goodbye. So long, Jack. Come on, Mary. Let's go. Okay. No, Mary, this quartet situation is a lot more serious than I thought. It certainly is. Starring Al Pears. You know, he's pretty good. He only made one mistake. What was that? He used to go on the air every week and say, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope. And what happened? Hope became a star. I wonder what's the best thing that... Who's that? Hey, Jackson. Hey, Jackson, come here a minute. It's Phil. Oh, yes. Hey, Phil. Phil, where'd you get that trailer? Huh? That trailer you're pulling. Where'd you get it? Holy smoke, it's hooked on. What? That's my garage. Oh, for heaven's sake. I better wake up the maid. She lives upstairs. Don't bother, Phil. She probably likes the ride. What are you doing around here anyway? Look, Don called me up this morning and told me you were in a lot of trouble with that sponsor about the quartet. Phil, don't worry about it. I ain't worried, Jackson. I'm thinking about you. What? I'm young and cute. I can get a million jobs. You don't have to worry about me either. I can go back to pictures. But, Jack, they talking them now. Oh, stop. Look, Jackson, if you don't get a quartet, you're going to be in a lot of trouble and you know it. Well, yes, I guess so. Why don't you go up to a talent agency and audition some singers? I don't know who to go to. Well, why don't you try my agent? He's terrific when it comes to picking talent. Look what he did for me. Huh? He fixed me up, so I'll never have to do another day's work in my life. No kidding. What did he get you? Alice. Phil, you mean to tell me your agent got Alice for you? Sure. And when we get 10 kids, we have to give them one. Well, Phil, with all your jokie, maybe you got something. Now go and see your agent about a quartet. Okay, here's his card. Thanks, Phil. Thanks a lot. So long, Jackson. So long, Libby. Come on, Mary. We'll go and see Phil's agent. Here we are, Jack. Here's the talent agency. Yeah, let's go in. See, there are a lot of people in here. Jack, I think that's the agent sitting behind the desk. I'll find out. Oh, Mr. Mr. Yeah. Are you the man who halves the talent? Yes, Nelson is the name. Low State Nelson. Oh, well, this is Ms. Livingston, and my name is Jack Benny. Well, well, I'd have known you people anywhere. It certainly is an honor that you came here first. Thank you. Benny and Livingston. Yes, sir. I'll make a note of that. Auditions are Thursday, and don't forget to bring your piano player. What? Look, I'm not here to audition. I'm trying to replace a quartet on my show. Oh, yes, I've heard them. I've got a quartet here that can take their place, and nobody will know the difference. Good, good. They're right in the next room. The Seal Brothers. Seal Brothers? Well, we can change the name. Oh, no, you can't. Why not? Because they're seals. What? I'll get them for you. Okay, seals, you're on. Oh, for heaven's sakes, four seals. There used to be five. I gave my wife a coat for Christmas. Look, I'm not interested in your wife. You can send those seals back to their cages. Okay, you can go back. He doesn't want you. What are they mad about? You broke up their gin rummy game. Come on, Mary. Let's get out of here. Okay, but I've got another quartet for only $60. I don't care of $60? Yes. Sit down, Mary. Let's hear them. Come on in, fellows. They turn out to be golfers. There's going to be trouble. Look, Jack, he isn't kidding. It's a real quartet. Yes, yes. Mr. Nelson, what are the names of these four boys? John, Charles, Irving, and Thomas. What'd you put Irving in there for? To keep from being sued. Well, okay, Mr. Nelson, let's hear them. How'd you like them, Mr. Benny? Well, I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Their voices are beautiful. They sing like larks. That one looks like a bald eagle. Mr. Nelson, these fellas may be all right for something, but I've got to have a quartet that can do the commercials for my lucky strike program. Oh, they can do that. They can? Of course. Listen to this. Go ahead, boys. Why'd you stop them? What's wrong? Well, they're not exactly what I want. Very well. All right, boys, you can go. Come on, Mary. I'm sorry I bothered you, Mr. Nelson. Oh, don't go away, Mr. Benny. I'm sure we have something that would... Excuse me. Hello, Nelson Talon Agency. Mr. Nelson left town. What's your complaint? And no complaint? This is Nelson speaking. Yes, we have talent for every occasion. For a wedding, you need what? A violinist. You willing to pay how much? $6 and dinner? I'll look in my book and see. Violinist, violinist. No, I'm sorry. We don't have any violinists available. Oh, Mr. Nelson, don't hang up yet. Yeah, what is it, Mr. Benny? Ask them what they're having for dinner. It's too late now. They hung up. Oh. Now, Mr. Nelson, I think I'll run a walk. Now, wait a minute. You came in here for a quartet, and I'm going to get you one. But I didn't like those four fellas you had on. All right, so you didn't like them. I have other talent, you know. Hey, girls, come out here. Girls? Yes, their names are Maxine, Patty, Laverne, and Irving. Irving again? No, Irving Schwartz. Now look. Take it, girls. Mr. Nelson. Mr. Benny, why did you stop them? They're wonderful. But they're not what I had in mind. Mary, what do you think? I like the seals. And would you like to interview them? Well, all right. Now, girls, are the four of you sisters? I am. I don't know about the other three. Well, I have to be very particular about my show. Where did you girls work last? Oh, our last job was in San Francisco. We worked on the top of the mark. Well, that's pretty good. How long did you work on the top of the mark? Two months. Why did you leave? We finished painting the roof. Well, look, Mr. Nelson. I'm sure I can't find the kind of a quartet I want here. So I think we all... In just a moment. The Nelson Talent Agency. What? Oh, yes, just a minute. Fido. Fido. Fido, you want it on the phone. Mary, it's a dog. Yes, and one of the smartest talking dogs in the country. A talking dog. I don't believe it. I'll show you. Here he comes now. Fido, how old are you? Fido, how old are you? Fido, say something. I don't know what to do with him. He's been acting like this ever since he saw Nora Prentice. Some talking dog. Fido, if you don't talk, when we have dinner tonight, I won't let you bury your bone in my mashed potatoes. Now, come on. How old are you? Seven years old. Gee, he can spell too. Now, Fido, spell cat. Seven years old, he can't spell cat. Look, Mr. Nelson, I didn't come here to get any trick bought of a lax. All I want is a quartet, and you haven't got one that suits me, so I'm going. Now, just a minute, Mr. Benny. I've got another quartet that is positively sensational. Look, they're Russian. A Russian quartet? Yes, I'll call them. Tavarovich, Ivanovich, Stepanovich, Baranovich, come here. How can they tell which bitch is which? Mr. Nelson, look, I can't use a Russian quartet. You haven't heard them yet, but all right, boys. I don't want to hear them talk. I want to hear them sing. Boys, boys! Now, Mr. Nelson, I don't want to hear them talk. Let's not waste time. If they're going to sing, let them sing. Okay, come on, boys. One, two. One, two. One a bitch, two a bitch. Ladies and gentlemen, during the past week, over one million young people, as well as adults, have been observing National 4-H Club Week. 4-H Clubs are made up of boys and girls who are agreed to learn to do by doing some phase of farming, homemaking, or constructive community activity. I, for one, am happy to salute the fine work of America's 4-H Clubs and urge all boys and girls between 12, 10, and 21 to join an all-qualified adults to enroll as leaders in their locality for the continuation of National 4-H Clubs. We'll all be back in just a moment. But first, here is my good friend, Basil Riesdale. As you listen to the chant of the tobacco auctioneer, remember LSMFT. Lucky strike means fine tobacco, and fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. Speaking of fine tobacco, here are the words of a man who really knows tobacco, Mr. Frank A. Brown of Stoneville, North Carolina. An independent tobacco warehouseman for 25 years, he said, Season after season, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by good right tobacco. Tobacco, you just can't beat for smoking quality. I've smoked Lucky's myself for 29 years. Year after year, at the market after market, independent tobacco experts like Mr. Brown can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Remember, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. LSMFT. No doubt about it. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And this fine Lucky Strike tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Brown, where's Jack? Well, Mary, he had to leave. He's on Phil Harris' show. Gee, I didn't know he was going to work on Phil's show. Yes, I heard them talking in the hall and Phil offered him some money. Oh, good night, folks. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.