 I had like two huge fistfuls of her hair so yeah she definitely knew I wasn't happy about it. Welcome to episode number eight of the Marty and Michael podcast. This week we are living we're still alive hey in a pandemic aren't we we're already in one yeah we we're still in one and uh you know what it's pretty fucking boring getting pretty fucking boring we're even filming our tits off because there's really nothing else to do so we've been banking some some content but it's you're sort of restricted because this is a piece of shithouse hey hey hey this is just such a fucking shithouse you used to live here fucking disgusting you got it first it's dark barely anything works as someone leaves skid marks on that fucking toilet that's you and me but it's just fucked so like we are as much we are getting content done but it would be a lot better if we weren't in this sick just slight sucking house thing not even a house it's just a little dwelling in the corner of a piece of shit suburb is what it is it's a it's a ditch it's a ditch with a tarp over it yeah it sucks about the lighting these lights are good that we have for the podcast but there's no lights working in the actual house because I don't know how to change a light bulb so yeah we've been getting videos done but they're shit videos because we have to be in this damp dark just fucking damn it doesn't have a roof falling apart just disgusting dirty pieces shit place actually plug for our website university of marco if you want to see my crib in detail every room i take you on a tour as well as marty's yep so for we've started making lots of website exclusive content and the website is what sponsors this podcast university of marco dot com all right now we've got um we've done a mtv cribs style video of michael taking us through his place and me taking you through my place they're very different so um that video will be out soonish all right on our website so fucking register and fucking just enjoy it man because the websites where it's at hey yeah i thought you were gonna fart then why i don't know you fucking we're on a roll last week i got that face yeah yeah i'm about to fart face look at you shaved and everything yeah i got sick of it and the i couldn't be fucking on or bar bar because you only get 30 minutes and shit so i just started screaming and yeah are they gonna be closed down fully soon no one knows like no one knows except for one person me and no they won't unless it gets worse then they will okay yeah i'm getting over the bid too it's getting quite frustrating all right guys um so yeah we're not not much to talk about for shit talk but um we do have a very special on this day now matt brown from wholesome has um spent what's that three three and a half hours researching these um and it's incredible every time he sends them to me he's you know he's shirts all sweaty and there's tears running down his face because of the effort he goes to to find out these on this day's facts it's fucking insane all right and again well done matt it's hard to believe i'm gonna be honest with you that some of these are quite difficult to believe but you know what here we go anyway here's it from again who wrote him matt brown from wholesome okay cannot stress that enough that he works at wholesome that is who employs him okay he comes here this is like a side little hobby but he works at wholesome he's working his way up there he's got a lot of people underneath him you know it's his role we won't get into his role but he works at wholesome he's been there for quite some time how long has it been matt seven six years six years wow that is a while it's a long time that's a while all right on this day in 1976 Oprah Winfrey evolved into a human being after spending most of her life as a bulging disc in the lower back of a badger whoa bulging disc the Oprah Winfrey spent her adolescent years as a bulging disc in a badger's back a badger is like the american equivalent if a possum and a wombat rage fucked then a badger would be born and she was a bulging disc i don't even know that that small animals like that had spines yeah i didn't even know there was a beaver ever that's unbelievable Oprah started as a bulging disc wow he never would have picked it on this day in 1982 donald trump was found fertilizing a large number of snake eggs by piercing the shell of the eggs with his needle like phallus and injecting his trump serum into the center what's a phallus a cock wow i've never heard that term for it so donald trump has trump serum in his testicles that he sort of injects into eggs maybe that's how we won the election do you reckon his kids are snakes who knows it could be they could just be trumps yeah that's crazy i don't know that i know as it's not common knowledge i don't get it anyway he's got his own good researching matt very wholesome way of researching but gregory matt wholesome gregory wholesome research gregory matt wholesome research says that in on this day in 1897 Martha Stewart escaped prison by head butting a hole through a thick brick walls in the prison she was housed she stayed in hiding until the early 1900s when she reemerged and as a professional chef who the fucks this bitch what's in it she's like a really old fragile lovely lady Martha she was in prison not only that she head butted her way out of prison how she head butted her way to freedom can you imagine headbutting a hole through a thick brick wall must have been pretty thin um or she's got very thick skull that's what that's what i've heard Martha Stewart like that thick i'm thinking like what's that like 10 centimeters or something did she would she be back in prison well she was in hiding for a long time so okay so yeah i guess she just and fucked on or arrest someone who can headbut a hole through a brick wall do you know what i mean on this day in 2012 curtains were found on the moon suggesting that an astronaut had had an argument with his spouse and considered living on the moon for a while while he cleared his fucking head why would you need curtains for that well maybe he was just moving his shit there it was just like a spontaneous like fuck this i need some space so we just packed his space shoot up ship up with some stuff and then went to the moon and then sort of started setting up but he'd sort of cool off by the time he got there and then he's like oh all right fuck it i'm as we'll go home then and then he flew back home but he left some shit there and one of those items as if you take the curtains look i'm not talk to mad about it right he's the researcher here we go it blocks out the earth there you go but it's very good moons a bit closer to the sun so you gotta have curtains to protect you from the uvenus of course okay that makes sense yeah so wow on this day very unusual on this day there good job there matt all right which um moving right along to our next um segment which has been renamed to um me and basically in this segment we just answer questions that you guys have sent him via an instagram joshua amk one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be let's go fuck that have to be i mean or can we go cuisine no one food one food one ingredient you know i'd have to pick something healthy just because you'd live the longest so i'd probably pick like what about your healthy option and then your no health option it's okay you don't get fucked up from the food no we have to answer the questions as they asked michael we're not we're not here making questions up that's not what he asked all right i would pick broccoli what about something unhealthy all right that's a good idea oh fucking italian something pasta or pizza i'd go um gravel like the rocks just i guess like because you're not going to get fucked up by that'd be a cool party trick to have this just because i imagine telling people that the food i've chosen to eat is gravel it would be pretty funny now you wouldn't live for very long if it didn't fuck you up you would yeah just chew on the gravel it would be a pretty funny trick but you get so over next question deniel zama 14 you should get tattoos by the other person but the other but the other person gets to choose it um we've done that done great great question um next to sack to sack 83 when did you guys start filming and doing these fucking hilarious and would you ever have a guest fan join we started doing the podcast probably just about a year ago just over a year a year and a month ago we started doing them but filming filming i've got this i remember being in fucking year eight and doing dumb shit yeah true and filming it but um filming properly filming to like gain a following probably five years 2015 2015 or some dog should come i've got a question what was the first prank do you guys remember or the first video yeah it was you guys did together fake seizures in public very very politically correct fakes so we would be walking in a public place and one of us would fall to the ground and pretend to be having a seizure and our awareness and others would um you know and the other one would go calling ambulance calling ambulance and then um people would freak out and then we'd say hey it was a prank and no one was happy about that and we could not post that one because he got a lot of hate yeah yeah because there are people out there with seizures who take offense to that and say hey don't make fun of me because i do that for real they do too yeah um and i yeah i guessed we've already spoke about having a guest on the podcast it's a fan yeah that would be cool be like a competition we could run yeah well we're gonna get our old boss greg who on our first ever podcast prank called him we're gonna get him on he's been he cosy he's known us like half our lives yeah since we were 16 and six hmm i guess i think i said he would even come on i guess yeah well fuck it we'll do run a little competition soon and we'll um the winner gets to be a fan a guest on the podcast you'd have to be brisbane based though so we'll fly him in we'll fly him in doesn't matter if there's someone from brisbane happens to win lucky and then we don't have to oh we use our business account oh that's right you spent our money on a fucking billboard and now no one can see the billboard because everyone's in isolation next question money well spent all right this is from the oh hey there denise when will michael say yes to my marriage proposal god damn i have a girlfriend i'm very sorry but don't don't leave me hanging on when are you gonna when are you gonna accept i'm never even oh i can't look at her yeah no i'm sorry yeah i'm what she looks like i'm happily taken so for now yeah so sorry about that j underscore dan 34 if you guys could host your reality tv show what would you call it and what would it be based on now we have some shit in the works i would have a reality show called um push it push it to the limits mate oh yuck and it would just be about um sitting people down and just chatting to them about um their lives well i'm actually in the talks with some studios at the moment and i came up with a show i wrote it about six months ago and it might go to air it's to do with like getting two people together and you make them married at first sight and then you document the whole like time six months that would never work that sounds terrible what married for what but so they've never even met each other never met each other and then you put him together for like three months get picked up trust me trust me i know my shit okay in the middle of writing up my reality tv show i forget what i call it but yeah it's just two people sitting outside and it's raining and they just have to talk to each other um just about like how they are for five minutes what about the rain that's the obstacle that's the yeah just adds like um like an element to it yeah i like okay i can see that and we'll just call it rain rain talk just rain rain and you spell the rain r a y n w two oh this is two of them exactly i get that dude that's not bad that's not bad i think we go with my pitch over yours yeah yeah all right i'll cut everything i wrote um shree dot chakra 17 why are you guys so funny great question uh we're born like this it was um you can't this we haven't undergone any type of training or nothing outrageous has happened to us we were just born this hilarious you went to uni for a bit yeah but i didn't study funny yeah true i think you actually made me less funny yeah we'll do that to you so um yeah the answer to your question is we were fucking born this good you bitch hi sorry no i get it passion anyway yeah i don't know it's just yeah what he said keneth fokileshness and what's your IQ and who's dumber i don't know what our what is the IQ best you can get like 150 170 or 160 or some dog shit is it really like determine if you're dumb or not i think there's different types of IQ tests and like it's just general knowledge i think maybe i don't know i've never done one a yeah i reckon definitely he's way smarter you give him an assignment he'll have it done in like two hours i'll look at i'll be reading the task sheet for that two hours trying to figure out what sipping at a nice warm glass of urine a beer yeah which is urine sometimes that's gonna talk watch this betcha uh told you according to iq's it doesn't actually give you the highest score but um it considers anything over 200 uh i considered people are geniuses i would be around maybe 300 then all right really be around 199 then and you just under yeah one yeah one one yeah yeah one yeah one there you go h underscore you and underscore by the way what's your favorite celebrity um i would have to say either will ferrell or russell brand just because they're hilarious and andy sandberg i love i've fucking thought about it yes you have come on tom green tom green or liam gallega no no no uh scott morrison cameron de as yeah great she's cool i like her um all right next question is from torres underscore elizabeth eight do you think god is punishing us with the coronavirus because we are sinners or is it just steven hawking's decomposing i love how they put the s on hawking's as well it's good kings good decomposing we need some answers from credible source marty and michael the scientists look um as scientists we can't rule anything out but it is so far it's unlikely that it's god related because um god loves old people and he's fucking killing him so i don't know if it doesn't really make sense logically but um yeah i i just think it's um this is just something that happens when you eat bats yeah that's what the media says if you eat lots and lots of bats people get sick so people please just stop feasting on bat flesh i don't know what bats would taste like we had one in our yard a couple months ago yeah we should have fried it up i was so close to licking it for a story yeah well that snake had it half down lucky we fucking stopped it would have started coronavirus even earlier yeah we saved the world for six months holy shit i didn't realize that we saved the world and we did that yeah we didn't even brag about that shit we'll have a moment's pause and conversation here so that everyone listening and watching can say thank you to us heads down 10 seconds silence and go that's okay no worries but it's our job really it's it's nothing it's very easy for us to do honestly save your applause sit down save your that's enough thank you honestly that's enough wow humbling thank you just pissed me off a bit next question all right dom gooden is marty always how he is on camera in real life i'd say he's worse like when it's just me and him it's it's marty uncut which means there is constant screaming constant screaming i'll be trying to drive us to a location and i'll have to have a little feel of something yeah every time i get out of the car he grabs it me fingers grabs for the dick every time i go past he knows does this little and he like hits the tip of my dick with his like fingertips it's so frustrating and the amount of times i've been trying to eat my meal or just have a sleep and i wake up to this gaping asshole that spits fucking shit dust out and it goes all over my food or my face oh it's yeah it's it's so much worse you saw last week in the podcast when he spread his arse cheeks and i'm just so used to it it's normal now to see a bum hole and then a sound come out his records like 20 seconds with it too imagine a fart with a gaping asshole that lasts 20 seconds it's pretty it's pretty exciting it's actually special i don't have learned to love it it's on my resume but yeah nah that's always on my way worse i reckon depending on who is around i guess with me it's like anything goes we should send in resumes just and just our name and then just a picture of our asshole that's sexual assault isn't it yeah yeah harassment i want i want a sexually assault i want to start doing that that's a trend we can do that for the website sign up for the website we'll just sexually assault people is that the end of the questions no no that is two there's two more kaitlyn underscore one nine five have you ever accidentally purposely set somebody's house or car on fire yes we have set cars on fire hasn't yeah and we've set one house on fire but we can't really talk about it on camera because it's still under investigation a bit of hearsay here so no but yes marcus con von go question cock rings versus cock sleeves i've heard of cock rings are they the ones that have like the little vibrator thing on it around yeah it's just a ring that goes on the base of your dick i don't know what a cox what's a cock sleeve maybe it's like a like a long like a cock ring but much longer the whole thing vibrates and the whole thing just keeps your dick rock hard i'll have to look into that it's a cock sleeve sound pretty cool right now cock ring but i think matthew gregory brown from wholesome has uh got an answer for us for the cock sleeve i might put a sleeve on my testicles it sounds like leggings would you ever get your dick tattooed yeah matthew um on here it's a they call penis sleeve which i guess is the same thing no um a penis sleeve is a condom like sex toy that slips on over the penis to provide more pleasure to the person being penetrating being fucked penisly penis sleeves are designed to add a bit of extra length or girth to the penis to enhance sexual activity and allow for its deepest penetration oh isn't that it wouldn't for small small endowed cock small endowed cock but then it's like a condom so it wouldn't feel as good i guess so i'd probably go cock ring by the way everyone do wim hoff google wim hoff that that's the end of the questions that's the end of the questions which brings us to our next segment it's a popular one and it has been renamed and it's just a segment there it's the po unboxing segment and wow we got some fucking good shit today and we've only got this one item but uh we checked our po box and there was nothing in there just a letter from the government uh so we've had to make our own po box and pretend like someone has sent it to us so this is uh what we got sent this week but it's actually us we've just pretended and wrapped something up so i wonder what it is i'm gonna go ahead and uh unwrap it glen 20 kills 99.9% of germs and viruses let's see if it works michael stop spraying it straight up in the air i can't see i bet my fucking nail back from you oh it's in my mouth oh man that's an intense smell that is meant to stop okay and that's how you use it all right thank you for sending that in and that is the end of our uh po unboxing segment for sure honestly it seems to be working michael's really struggling and he is how can you breathe and he is in fact a virus virus michael is a long virus michael is a formed german virus block it's hard to breathe sorry my nail hurts all right um that is the end of our po unboxing segment we have a new segment michael has a new segment for us we um he forgot to buy the ingredients for the uh science experiment so he's changed the segment up to he's holding a knife this is called stunt time stunt time on a podcast and around really expensive equipment here we go all right let's finish it just watch the cords he's finishing his beer you better not fucking electric drop on it now the goal of this stunt is to get three rotations of a knife and then catch it on the handle so this is a very sharp knife it's one of those really good knives so if he fucks this up he will slice his hand quite badly might just um step to the side yeah i need room for this i'll even stand up so it's not near the clearest all right fucking cut first rotation one two rotations i'm doing one more again let's sort of suss it out two rotations he's cut himself right on the right on the point the point has gone into his finger all right and that is the end of stunt time so stunt time went bad no i don't know i cut my hand and it landed on my foot too so he's uh he's misjudged the knife and it's the point of the knife has split his finger and then it's fallen onto his foot which is also now cut that's stunt time i think that segment has a very bright future ah fuck i'm normally good at that the pressure of the camera scared me all right which brings us to our final segment which has of course been renamed to and this is basically just a segment where we prank call someone and you guys have sent in some scenarios and some numbers so let's have a look through them and see what happens everyone all right someone has sent in this is my mate jaden goes to maccas time all the time he always complains about his meal and gets free shit call him up on it and tell him to pay back the money for the accusations that's a good one this is hacking anyone for being poor hello um hello my name is uh tom collins i'm just calling from the bell street mcdonald's there in um in heidelberg am i speaking with um jaden yes right so we've just done an audit of um a few of our orders and um your orders keep popping up in the system that you've made some frequent complaints and um actually actually were refunded on some of these items um can you just explain to me exactly um what these were because there's been a bit of a huge increase in people sort of uh being deceitful about their orders and um it i guess it's like a trending or something and a lot lots of people are doing it and we just need to sort of uh really get down to the bottom of it you know what i mean so if you could just go and explain it to you very simply yeah i would say out of 10 times i go to mcdonald's drive-through i would say five times my order is correct okay when it comes to when it comes to my car five times is correct right so this percent of the time it's something is wrong with the order so do you mean something's missing from the order or is it something's missing um i might have asked i might have asked the extra source and they give me no source um you know the list goes on anything you can really imagine it's happened so and that's not just like that's a pretty well-known thing that mcdonald's um very bad but that type of stuff yeah well we've just had a big meeting with all the um all the staff and employees and we've just been cross-checking the orders that come through and checking the cc tv footage and seeing what exactly gets put into the um the bags and yes you're right there are a occasionally there are some of the orders are missing an object or two but we've just seen that uh your car your regio number comes up a lot with the complaints and with the um you know saying something's missing and then yeah i go there a lot and then and then getting our refunds um and and we've actually seen a couple i wouldn't say i wouldn't say i've really gotten that many refunds though honestly how many how many refunds would you say you've had in in uh it just when you say refunds i'm i think i've called up your mcdonald's two times yeah maybe because i'm just that angry and that pissed off that's happened again and i've gone home and realized that you know i haven't got a burger or um yeah so i think i think it's something to call up like that yeah well i think i think that i think that's why um your name popped up the um that some of the employees were a bit um disgusted and how you spoke to them saying you were quite rude and aggressive and also um the staff also deny that they um that they missed any items from your order so um are you aware are you aware that the staff were a bit um you know taken aback and one of the staff was actually in tears crying to me um um yeah saying that you're quite um quite aggressive and quite rude and i'm sorry if i had brought tears i never never meant to upset anybody yeah well she's she we've had to send a home she's a she's a mess now she's um you know she's yeah well she had to she had to have a week off yeah from the time she'd have a week off excuse me what you know and well this is from me so one of our employees was actually quite distraught and the other and the other thing is that um you know the they they claim that they didn't on those particular occasions forget to put any items in your order and um and and so i i guess what i'm saying is um you know those i would like love it if you could apologize to the staff directly and also pay us those those refunds back um absolutely not i would definitely not pay the refunds back um i want to be honest with you i earn very good money i'm not about trying to score some extra fucking free food um if i've ever come to you guys with a complaint it's because i've paid for something and haven't gotten it before right well that is a hundred percent like i don't well i'm just like i'm i'm just i'm just trying to look look i'm just honestly you're getting jade can you just calm down man he's really i'm look i'm just trying to i'm fine sorry mate sorry yeah i'm just trying to protect my staff here and and when a staff member comes and says that that a customer has called and abused the living shit out of her her words not mine abuse the shit out of her and also claims that you're demanding refunds on on orders where they're the orders have been perfect so you know i'm sort of going to have to do something here and and um if you if you don't if you're not willing to come forward and and refund the the the orders that you got then um look we're gonna have to take it further and possibly blacklist you from mcdonald's certainly certainly where we're uh in in all of australia and and possibly internationally if if i feel if i feel like it well look this is this is a little bit too extreme i'm not look i'm i'm extremely sorry that i've upset someone i'm extremely sorry i have no intention to actually upset someone that is me being angry and stupid at the time and getting angry at the person who may not even have anything to do with it maybe right well look i understand i understand that it's frustrating sometimes so maybe if you could just pop in give us 50 bucks and just apologize to the to the girls at the checkout and look we'll call it even look um look that doesn't sound too bad i'm definitely willing to apologize jaden you just told me that you make very good money so i don't see the problem and you're just coming in just principle is because i haven't i'm not that type of person to just bullshit and try to get something for free it's like i ordered that i ordered the item like that's what's happened and let's say forgot to put in the item and i'm still thinking that it did that but no i like honestly richard the time i know that i pay for the item and it doesn't come i come there a lot that's probably why there's maybe maybe you dropped it or you just sort of forgot the eating it or something a lot of people sort of eat something and then sort of forget that they've eaten and then just say i'll look with you guys of a missing an audience you know and then we have to look back on cc tv footage confirmed that the order was packed correctly and then you know so it turns out that someone's just just being forgetful so um if you could just come in and just just chuck us even it just a cheeky lobster just come and give us a cheeky 20 bucks we'll call it even a cheeky lobster just come in and and give the staff a cheeky 20 dollar and we'll call it even there jaden i'll get that done okay look we'll have you in before oh look what's time now are you busy this evening oh we would appreciate if you brought it in pretty pretty urgently because that that chick is that she's sobbing her fucking tits off at home she's devastated when when sorry when when this happened is this last couple weeks oh look i'd have to i'd have to get the laptop back up i'd have to get the laptop back back up but i've been given a list of people who uh make complaints regularly and um i'm just going through the list now and just making some calls okay okay i just don't know when that would have happened because i i can't remember a time that i've been to magazine well look it happened it happened so come in just give us a 20 and we'll call it in yeah okay all right we'll uh we'll see you shortly and thank you for shopping at mcdonald's yeah sorry are you so are you there or yeah yep i'm just out of the back so what do i do do i just just come out of the back just come out of the back and say hey i hate jaden no no no so no just come to the front counter and say can you please give this to tom collins and that they all the staff know who i am okay all right thank you very much jaden thanks for your time and um please do not disrespect our staff ever again and do not under any circumstances ask for refunds because we will call you back and force you to come and pay otherwise you will not eat at mcdonald's ever again okay power you need to start getting a bit aggressive now man it's so hard to control so much power wow that was so much power oh no don't worry i'll be on the back i'll calm down by then i'll have a toss before you come um okay look um just on one note if if i do come to mcdonald's and something happens and the order is wrong okay and all honesty it is wrong 100 i'm gonna keep my restates from now just in case it does happen again please do and and film as soon as you're handed the bag film every single ingredient that's in the bag that is the only way you'll be able to get a refund okay okay no worries i'll do that from now on honestly okay and i'll i'll not be so aggressive it's just that it happens so many times that's why the aggression comes out that's like allegedly allegedly all right well i'm gonna call the next person and um the next fuck wouldn't get some money off them too but mate we'll see you soon all right you stay strong and don't ever look stranger in the eyes because they could be powerful okay i'll take that advice goodbye jayton oh or not oh he did by the end i think yeah fuck he was fully apologetic he was at the start yeah and then as it got more ridiculous i think he realized how i was a good prank call yeah i know i'd love to have a beer or 10 or 20 with him thanks jayton for being such a good sport oh guys that is the end of podcast episode number eight eight that's not a question that's how i say 48 48 podcasts 48 eight where the best where the best where the best best