 The Jack Benny program. What are the of product is essential to continuing success? So round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw Gentlemen as you all know in the Rose Bowl game on New Year's Day Illinois upset the dope and here he is and he's still upset Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking and Don for your information. I wasn't upset at all I enjoyed the game very much certainly was exciting wasn't it Jack? Yes, sir. What a score Illinois 45 UCLA 14 and I'll hoist 103 I was really something and what wonderful seats you had Jack How did you get such good tickets the last minute? Well down it wasn't easy. You see even though I was born in Illinois I've lived in California for the past 15 years So in order to get two tickets I called Governor Warren. You called the governor of California Yes, yes, he couldn't do anything for me. So he called Governor Green of Illinois Governor Green called President George Stoddard of the Illinois University President Stoddard got in touch with Ray Elliott the coach Elliott got in touch with Buddy Young and Fortunately, Buddy Young happens to be a very good friend of Rochester So through Rochester, I not only got two seats on the 50-yard line But I also got a sure thing in the fourth race at Santa Anita Say Don who are you rooting for at the game? Well, Jack, I didn't want to show any partiality So I got a seat on the UCLA side and a seat on the Illinois side. Well, Don How could you possibly sit on both sides of the? Oh? Oh And Don weren't you disappointed when you weren't picked as the winning float? Well better luck next year. Hi Jackson. Hello Phil Phil get your band ready and Phil What happened to your orchestra? Half of your boys are missing. Where are they? Look Jackson New Year's Eve was only five days ago. Give them time What? Leave them alone, and they'll come home dragging their empties behind I know I know but meanwhile do the best you can with the boys. Oh, no, no What's the matter Jackson? Sammy the bass fiddle player. Well, what about him? He's the best bass player in the country. I know but look at his bass fiddle. It has six silver handles on Well, that's Sammy for you if anything happens to him. He don't want us to go to no expense Look what he has carved on the bottom of it. R. I. P. What's that rest in Petrilla? Now cut that out and until something happens to him tell Sammy to put down the shovel use a bow and blow out the Candles on the music stand. Well, by the way, Phil. I saw you at the Rose Bowl game New Year's Day Oh, is that where I was? Then you know where you were that was a great game, wasn't it? What about that 103 yard run that hoist made confidentially Jackson? It was longer than that but it won't go on record. What do you mean? He picked up the ball behind his old goal line started down the field ran up to the stands asked me for mile Out of graph told me how to spell Harris and then went on to make the touchdown If he'd awaited for me to dot the I they'd nailed him on the ten yard line Well, I just showed you how fast that boy is. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Well, everybody's here now except Dennis Where is he? I don't know he hasn't come in yet Well, how can we go on with the show if the cast doesn't get here on time? Oh, Jack Don't be mad at Dennis. I happen to know something that you don't know. Don't tell me he has three shows No, Jack it isn't that it's something you won't believe What is it? Well, all of a sudden Dennis got a big crush on me a Crush on you. How come I don't know someone must have told him. I was a girl All Mary stop kidding has Dennis really got a crush on you Yes, Jack, and he's so cute ever since last week when I danced with him in that nightclub He's been sending me notes and little gifts. Yes. What did he give you? Oh, lots of things his Boy Scout knife a bag of marbles Three Coca-Cola bottle caps filled with mud a Ball of tin foil a fish hook and a stick of bubblegum No, yes, and I'm worried why you see me wearing his bicycle clip. You'll know we're engaged Well, how do you like that and Jack you should see the note he sent me yesterday Dennis sent you know yeah Wait a minute. I'll read it to you. Oh, it's so sweet My darling Mary. I hope you won't think I'm silly, but I keep your picture on the wall of my bedroom I didn't want my mother to know who I'm in love with so I took a pencil and drew a moustache and a derby hat on you I think I fooled my mother because now she's in love with you, too Well, I'll be darned and look how it finishes I love you madly and passionately and we'll never forget the kiss you gave me when I took you home thanking you in advance for your next shipment. I remain I Remain yours truly Dennis day. Well, that's the cutest letter. I've ever heard. Let's see that Mary why is Dennis got the stamp pinned on the envelope? Oh that He said that ever since he fell in love with me. He won't let anything else touch his lips Gee, he must be hungry by this time. That's her Here he comes now Hello, mr. Benny. Hello Dennis. Hello Dennis. Hello, John. Hi, you kid. Hello, Phil. Hello, Dennis Dennis I said hello Mary don't make it so obvious Obvious all I said was hello. I know but look how you're trembling Dennis you're imagining things. She's not trembling. What are you trying to do break us up? Trying to break you up. Hey, Mary. Come here a minute. Will you I want to look at you. All right, Dennis Gee gosh, what is it Dennis? You look so much better without a moustache Dennis what about the derby? No, thanks. I'm not hungry. I Didn't mean that but anyway kid. I know how you feel when you're in love Everything is bright and sunny and cheerful Your heart overflows with goodness You feel nice towards everybody. Hey Jackson. You hear about Fred Allen being voted the best comedian on the air There will be a short pause while dr. Jekyll becomes mr. High Mary it doesn't bother me at all anyway I read about fame magazines selecting Allen as the greatest comedian and radio what a choice What's the matter with you Jackson every time Fred Allen gets an award you get mad about it two years ago You got mad because they put his picture on the cover at times Phil's Fred's face was on the cover of look It was on the cover of time. It was on the cover of look his face represented time That burns me up. All right. All right, so he's not as pretty as I am But you've got to admit he's got a great radio show some great show comes on and jabbers for a few minutes Then he calls pork lamb pork lamb pork lamb pork lamb For the first four years people thought he was a conductor on a greyhound butt By Dennis day and very good Dennis yes, I've never heard you sing so well That's because I'm in love with me. It ain't your sister babe For our feature attraction tonight, we are going to present now, excuse me come in Well, mr. Kitzel, what are you doing here? He found the intrusion mr. Benny what I came over to thank you for the Christmas presents you sent me and to wish you a happy new year Same to you with the kids so you like the sweater. I sent you a Never in my life own such a beautiful slopp over No, no, no, mr. Kitzel you mean slip over Oh, I'm sorry. Well, why didn't you return it? Well, I like it that way because it makes me look like a hip cat a Hip cat Know I know You also know the song about the cement mix myself And mr. Kitzel, I'm glad my presence suited you so well You know, I liked it so much. I started needing a pair of stockings to match the sweater You did yeah But a funny thing happened while I was sitting in the rocking chair my wife came in and saw me knitting She got all excited and thought we was going to have another baby Congratulations Thank you. By the way, mr. Kitzel as long as you're here. Would you like to sit down and hear the rest of the program? Oh, I'm sorry, but I got to leave all you should stay mr. Kitzel because tonight our guest star is Lauren Bacall Who who what? You're mistaken about Lauren Bacall. She won't be here tonight. Oh, why not never mind We haven't got time to discuss it and now ladies and gentlemen what happened Jack Mary We've got a program to do and now ladies and gentlemen anyway Dom the trouble started after you left the rehearsal yesterday at Jack's house Lauren Bacall hadn't showed up as yet to rehearse a part and Phil and Dennis and I decided to stick around and play a little gin Rummy, so we went in the day you and Lauren gonna rehearse in the library that we can stay here in the dinner play cards Can't we yep, so that'll be all right Rochester, will you bring in a deck of cards, please? Yes, sir. What shall I bring the red back of the blue back? Oh, it doesn't make any difference. Yes, it does the reds are 40 cents the blues 50 Bring them a deck of cards. They won't quibble about the price now come on Rochester. I Wanted to go in the library with me and help me get things ready. Yes Now Rochester, I want to make a good impression on mr. Call so see that there's a nice fire burning in the fireplace move the Devan so it'll be nice and cozy in front of the fire Turn the lights down low turn on the phonograph and put on some nice soft Romantic music want me to burn some incense and bang you with a palm leaf No, no that won't be necessary Now let's see. I think these horn rimmed glasses make me look a little too old. I guess I'll take them off I wouldn't do that by with you remember what happened the time this and charity came over to rehearse with it You took off your glasses. Oh nothing happened when this shirt and came in you rushed over the way You thought you saw her put your arms around the bridge lamp kiss the parent and said why Annie you bit me That's because it was dark Now let's see. Oh, that must be mr. Call now Rochester you answer the door I want to sit down make myself look a luring. I mean relaxed There how do I look fine boss, but aren't you over doing it with that rose in your teeth? What are you laughing at Ramona Benny The roses for my lapel oh answer answer the door. Yes, sir Is mr. Benny at home? Yes. Come right in mr. Call Rochester Who is it? Miss Lauren because well Lauren because you were expecting maybe Mrs. Nussbaum Rochester you can get lost now Well, come in Lauren, this is in flesh a deeter. I mean indeed a pleasure Make yourself comfortable sit down. No, thanks. I'll just lean here against the door Gosh Lauren Seeing you there reminds me of your first picture to have and have not You were leaning against the door just like that and then you said your famous line You're mean if you want anything just whistle. Yes Well Lauren Lauren shall we shall we start rehearsing no hurry no hurry you got a cigarette a cigarette. Yes. Yes. Yes. Here you are Thanks Match match You know uh, you know Lauren that cigarette. I gave you was a lucky strike. I know and it's my favorite brand too Really? Yes. It's so round so firm so fully packed So free and easy on the draw she Effie boom never sounded like that Gosh Lauren, I can just picture you in a bathing suit holding up that big tobacco leaf And you know Lauren lucky strikes are made of that fine that light that naturally mild tobacco Well, what do you know and I thought mother told me everything Live and learn you must have learned a lot. Yes Well now let's start rehearsing. Here's your script We're going to do a sketch based on your picture to have and have not you'll play the same part you did in the picture Okay. Well, let's start. I'll take the first line Wait a minute Jack. I'm supposed to lean against the door. Oh, yes. Yes Yes, I'm sorry. Well, we'll start again You're sorry at me aren't you slim Sure Steve, I'm sorry at you. I wanted to get even I brought that bottle of brandy up here to make you feel cheap But I'm the one who feels cheap Well, you've only got yourself to blame slim after all what did I do? Nothing. What's more, you don't have to do anything. Oh Maybe just whistle You know how to whistle. Don't you see you just put your lips together and blow Now slim I got a better use for my lips Come here and let me kiss you. All right, but first take that rose out of your teeth Sorry, you know I meant to put that in my lapel in my lapel Now let's start the the let's start the scene over again Hmm-hmm your uh, you're sore at me aren't you slim sure Steve? I'm sorry at you. I wanted to get even I brought that bottle up here to make what bottle up where? Hello, Curly. Well, St. Peter must have left the gate open and look who fell Oh leave a lab burning in the wind of mother. I may be a little late Well, oh, yes, there's good news tonight All right, all right, this is miss Lauren Bacall. Lauren. This is my colleague Phil Harris. Well, hoity-toity. I'm a colleague now Yeah, and I go already. Okay. Okay. Now come on Lauren. Let's take that kissing scene again We'll take that kissing scene again. Let's start where I Who can that be I left strict orders not to be disturbed Humphrey Bogart. Oh Jack, I forgot to tell you bogey said he dropped by and picked me up You know he and I are married. I know who do you think played the violin at your wedding? Anyway, he can wait outside. We got a scene to rehearse and we're gonna do it. Hello, baby. Hi, Jack Look Humphrey. We're right in the middle of the rehearsal. That's all right Jack go right ahead We won't be long honey. That's all right, baby You know Jack, I'm glad to see you again. You're my favorite comedian. I am. Well, that's good. Now Lauren I mean I mean miss Bacall. Oh by the way, what should I call you Lauren or miss Bacall? Mrs. Bogart Let's get on with the rehearsal. Mr. Bogart start with your starting with your last speech. Okay You know how to whistle don't you Steve? He just put your lips together and blow No slim. I got a better use for my lips Come here and let me kiss you What a comedian Look Humphrey, I'm trying to Oh, well pardon me a minute folks. I'll be right back. How's it going, baby? Oh brother Yeah, I thought so Say, uh, baby. I want you to do something. What is it when you get to kiss him? Just put one arm around him and run your other hand through his hair. Why I want to find out if he really wears one What is Benny what does Benny want to be a great lover for anyway? Well, why shouldn't he after all he played a romantic lead and the horn blows at midnight You saw that didn't you? Yeah, and they called our last picture the big sleep By the way, what's this sketch you're raising with Benny to have and have not we're rehearsing the big scene You and I did in the picture. Oh, which one he is playing my pod He's coming back Oh, I'm sorry. I had to answer the phone, but well, that's the price of fame. Who was it wrong number? My father called because he sent me the wrong number of tickets of the broadcast now Let's get on with rehearsal Lauren. We'll start with my line Well, you've only got yourself to blame slim after all what did I do nothing? What's more you don't have to do anything. Oh, maybe just whistle You know how to whistle don't you Steve? You just put your lips together and blow No slim. I got a better use for my lips Come here and let me kiss you and wait a minute. Wait a minute Jack. Hold it. You're doing it all wrong wrong Yeah, when you get ready to kiss a girl you put your arms around her gently Tenderly, what? Hey, you're not supposed to grab her by the ear lobes and pull yourself up No, I see and I watch me Come here, baby Read that line again. Okay You know how to whistle don't you Steve? You just put your lips together and blow No slim I Got a better use for my lips Come here and let me kiss you like this. That's enough Humphrey. Look, you can do that at home Humphrey I'm paying her by the hour. I get the idea now bogey um Let you and I take it again Lauren say Jack our gin rumby games over so I thought I'd come in here watch your rehearse All right, but be quiet now come on Lauren start with your line again. Okay You know how to whistle. Don't you see? You just put your lips together and blow Come here, I like this like this. No, no, no Jack. No, no, you're doing it all wrong Here, let me show you again. What I'll do it with Mary this time. Are you ready Mary? Betty I was puckered up when I walked in here Come on Mary come on Mary You take baby's line Okay You know how to whistle. Don't you Steve? You just put your lips together and blow No, I've got a better use for my lips Come here and let me kiss you like this I miss your bogey. Yeah, and I want to talk to him too Dennis Hey, he's cute. You haven't got a chance sister. I send all my coca-cola tops to Mary Now listen to me bogey I saw you kissing a woman I love see and you ain't muscling in on my racket see those lips ain't big enough for the both of us See now get out of here before you get hurt see get out see out see come on, baby Let's get out of here this guy's tough Oh Dennis I can't believe it. You know what you did you frightened the Humphrey Bogart sure Dennis what's that you got in your hand a picture of my mother? No, never be on my program Just a minute my good friend mr. L.A. speed rave Can see the makers of lucky strike Consistently select and buy that fine that light that naturally mild tobacco fine light Naturally mild tobacco remember year after year LS MFT lucky strike means fine tobacco And this fine lucky strike tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco lucky strike so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart for appearing on my program tonight They can currently be seen in their Warner Brothers picture of the big sleep Well, I better rush home now Or taxi taxi or taxi Or doorman get me a taxi will you look but if you want a taxi just whistle what you know how to whistle don't you? Just put your lips together and blow Oh, yes, yes Well, what do you know it works This is NBC the national broadcasting company