 The Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Please, Ronald Coleman. And Benita Coleman. Inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College. Thousands of such institutions across America, students have come here to prepare themselves for life in a rather uncertain world. A world where courage is needed and a strong belief in the great and lasting truths. The motion of these truths has been the lifelong career of Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, President of Ivy. Who at the moment is seated in his study reading the evening paper. Victoria is reading a pocket magazine between desultory attempts at conversation. Toddie. Yes, Vickie? Toddie. At the risk of being repetitious, yes, Vickie? You're not listening. On the contrary, darling, I have heard with great interest your report of the faculty wives tea. I told you about that yesterday. Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. What's the matter, darling? Ever a matter? Well, I can tell when you're worried, you just rattle the paper and quarrel with the editorials. And when you're not worried, you turn right to little orphan Annie. Ah, a great American, Vickie. A sweet, parentless child whose idiotic optimism cheers my darkest hour. Ha ha ha. This is one of your darker eyes, Toddie. You look as though someone had just turned on the television set. You're sort of apprehensive, though hoping for the best. Ha ha ha. As a matter of fact, Vickie, I do have a problem. A familiar one. Clarence Wellman phoned me he was coming over. On the tone of his voice, I'll say he'll be approaching at a full gallop. I suppose he's decided to put the entire curriculum on long playing records thereby saving the cost of all faculty salaries. Well, for a mere woman equipped only with beauty, intelligence and intuition, that's a pretty fair guess. What have you been reading? Well, it's a condensed novel in a magazine, The Drums of Mungabuna. How on earth have they ever taken a novel of 350 pages and boiled it down to 85? Oh, it's quite easy when you know the formula. Well, what is the formula? Well, you leave the first three chapters intact. They introduce the characters plot and look out. Then you tear out the next 16 chapters and lay them aside. Now you insert a line, something like, 11 days later, after many enthralling adventures, too numerous to relate, we reach to Luper Tumbo on the headwaters of the Zamwaki. Then resume with chapter 20 and finish the book. Yeah, but what happens to the 16 chapters you tore out? Well, those are published separately. In a 25 cent drag story edition, entitled Recollections of Luper Tumbo, you will be able to read the book. If frighten you sometimes to know so much about so many things. Oh, I managed to face my own erudition with equanimity, particularly as I am conscious of the many lacuny in it. Lacuny in it? Yes, yeah, lacuny, plural of lacuna. Oh, what's lacuna? Well, that in words. Well, I think it's a good idea. Plural of lacuna. Oh, what's lacuna? The Latin word, meaning a space or gap. It has an interesting origin, really. It seems that in the early days of Rome, orders had been given by the Senate for the whitening of the Appian Way, the great road leading to Rome. Well, I thought all roads led to Rome. My love was mere publicity, released by the Roman Chamber of Commerce in 686. Anyway, an honest road builder by the name of Publicus Fixitus was in charge. And he had a wife who, though worthy, had an empty mind and a vacuous expression. Her name was Una. So when Publicus, busy filling in the ditches on either side of the road, noted any extra large caping hole to be filled in, he would say just lacuna, just lacuna. And so, of course, any blank space, any void, any patch of nothing, naturally became known as a lacuna. Tell me, is it true by the way that the Appian Way was originally the Appian Way on account of all the dogs that used to bark at the passing chariots? Well, it's quite as true as the story of Publicus Fixitus. Oh, it is, it is. Well, speaking of yapping, what does Mr. Wellman want? Well, he just heard I've hired Professor Upshaw. Oh. Yes, he believes I should have promoted Professor Kent to fill the chair of mathematics, Kent being one of his favourites. Well, who is this Upshaw? I never heard of him. Oh, David Upshaw is an outstanding authority in his field, although I've never met him. Kent himself admits that his administrative experience will make him a valuable head of the department. Well, considering that you're installing him over Professor Kent's head, I think that's very sporting of him. Oh, he's a very decent sort, and I'm sure he'll cooperate. As a matter of fact, I've invited him over after dinner so the two of them can get acquainted before Mr. Wellman plants any prejudice in his mind. It's a good idea they can spend the evening chatting in trigonometry while we do... Ah, I expect that'll be Upshaw. I wired him to come straight from the train. But don't bother, Louisa, I'll get it. Anna and Vicky, if he is not as handsome as our English professors, don't be surprised. Figures of figures are not apt to be as pretty as figures of speech. Good evening. Yes. Mrs. Hall? Yes. I'm David Upshaw. Oh, no! Well, please, come in. Thank you. Well, it is Professor Upshaw, isn't it? That's right, David Upshaw. Oh, yes, David Upshaw. Come along, image. Oh, Toddy, look who's here. Wasn't it Upshaw? Oh, hello. Good evening, Professor Upshaw. May I introduce my husband, Dr. Hall? Oh, how do you do, Dr. Hall? I can't tell you how delighted I am to be here. Oh, how do you do, Miss... Professor Upshaw, naturally, we too are delighted to have so fine a mathematician as a member of our faculty. You're most kind. Well, please sit down, won't you? Well, Miss... Professor Upshaw, I suppose you... See, you have trouble with that word, Dr. Hall. Does that mean you haven't many women professors here at Ivy? No, no, no, we have several. Yeah, but none named David. No, you must admit, Miss Upshaw, that David is more often applied to the male of the species than the female. I know, but my father had his own way of doing things. I was supposed to be a boy, so I'm David after him. Well, anyway, we're glad to have you. And I hope my surprise at finding our faculty augmented so decoratively won't make you feel any less welcome. Professor Kent has told us of your work. Splendid record. Professor Kent? Oh, yes, I know him by reputation. Does he know that I'm a woman? I don't know. But if he does, he'd like to tell us. Well, in any case, it won't bother me if he's surprised. I'm used to it. But, Dr. Hall, I can't help feeling I've complicated your life a bit. Oh, no, not at all, not at all. The number of sexes in the human race being somewhat limited on the possible complications not being infinite. I think we can cope with... Yeah, well, of course, there may be one small complication. Yes, yes, a small complication which I think has just arrived. You see, Professor, the chairman of our Board of Governors, Mr. Clarence. Ah, Mr. Wellman. Good evening, Dr. Hall. Mr. Hall. Good evening, Mr. Wellman. Mr. Wellman, I would like you to... Dr. Hall, I'm exceedingly exasperated. I've been away from my health while this foolishness was going on, and I've come back to find that you, without my approval, have a fight... Mr. Wellman. How you could deliberately fly in the face of everything that's fair when you make decisions affecting the basic policy of your... Oh, oh, excuse me. You have company. Sorry. Miss Upshaw. May I present Mr. Wellman, chairman of our Board of Governors. How do you do, Mr. Wellman? Good evening. I'm delighted to... Wait a minute. Upshaw? That's the name. Where's your father? My father, Mr. Wellman, is probably at this moment playing a game of cribbage at the Ox Club in Grand Rapids, Michigan. And this is Professor Upshaw, Mr. Wellman. You mean she... Well, I didn't... She's a woman. If she isn't, Mr. Wellman, she's a gifted female impersonator. I didn't mean that she isn't a woman. I mean that she isn't a man. Why isn't she? I think having a woman as head of our mathematics department, it's absurd. Meaning no offense, of course, madam. But what's the matter with women as mathematicians, Mr. Wellman? After all, the world depends on them for multiplication. That's beside... It's a monstrous idea. It's unorthodox, radical, unheard of. It's contrary to all of everything. Why, Mr. Wellman? Because it is that's all. Good heavens, Miss... Professor, how can you sit there and upset all the hallowed, the traditions that we have so carefully? And all that? Why, why, the entire educational system? Mr. Wellman, women as heads of mathematics department. It's utterly fantastic. Mr. Wellman, what is it? A professor Upshaw has come to us in good faith upon my invitation. If you must shout at someone and the necessity escapes me, please shout at me. I don't want to cause any dissension here. I apologize, young lady. I didn't mean to shout at you. Sorry and all that. None of us wants to cause dissension. So why don't you just pack up and then... Mr. Wellman, I must remind you that Professor Upshaw is engaged. Ah, good for her. Tell the lucky young man to make a home for her and let our mathematics department... My husband means she has been engaged by him. That's ridiculous. He's already married to you. Well, how could he? Oh, you mean hired. Yes. And while I hold my current assignment, she will head our mathematics department. Oh, she will. Well, Dr. Hall, I'll have to submit this entire matter to the board right away. You knew perfectly well that young professor Kent met every qualification for this post and yet while my back was turned, you secretly hired not only another man from the outside, but she isn't even a man. He's a woman. Good night. Professor Kent, this is a regular thing. Oh, yes. His only sound and fury signifying nothing, but our chairman's determination to be efficient at the top of his voice. Yes. And as one of my favorite characters in history, Duke Gerald of Tuscany said, any sheep can be a lion among lambs and the braving of an ass has meaning only for another. As we return to the Hall's revival, after dinner, the same day, we find Dr. and Mrs. Hall and Louisa, their housekeeper, with the new head of the mathematics department, Professor Upshaw, who is a W-O-M-A-N. And pretty, too. Coffee, Mrs. Hall? Yes, thank you, Louisa. Put it right here, will you please? Splendid dinner. Thank you, Dr. Hall. I enjoyed it, too, Louisa. Much obliged. Excuse me, Mrs. Hall. Mrs. Upshaw being a lady arithmetic teacher and a sort of a scientist. Could I ask her a question? Well, I should think so. How about it, Mrs. Upshaw? Of course, go ahead, Louisa. But aren't you people ashamed of yourselves, getting everybody all excited when you know good and well? It can't be done. What can't be done? There's a doorbell. I'll get it. But let me tell you this. You'll never get me to go along. Never in a million years. First place, there's nobody there. This is a number two, Professor. Mrs. Hall. What on earth did Louisa mean? Oh, it's a perfectly simple explanation. Yes, it always is. It just requires patience. Um, Vicki, have you got it? I'm working on it. Is she all right? Louisa? Oh, perfectly, yes. I have a theory that she once studied diction and shorthand at the same time and got the lessons confused. Good evening, Mrs. Hall. Ah, hello, Professor Kent. May I present Professor Upshaw, the new head of the mathematics department? Ah, yes, I've been wanting to... You mean, you're Professor David Upshaw? Yes, I am. Is it so frightening? No, indeed. On the contrary, Miss Upshaw, you are very... Yes, she is, isn't she? Have a cup of coffee, Kent. It'll steady you. Dr. Hall, I assure you that when I told you I was familiar with the works of David Upshaw, I was telling the truth. But I had no idea he was a beautiful woman. I'm flattered, Professor Kent, to know that you read some of my efforts. Read them? They are magnificent, Miss Upshaw. Well, your modification of Stirling's formula for the gamma function and your clarification of geometrical probabilities are out of this world. Thank you. Are you fond of polynomial integrals? Fond? Just give me a handful of polynomial integrals and I'm as happy as a clam. Of course, personally, I prefer simplicial approximations and polyhedrons. Well, I'm afraid polyhedrons is like Cooney for me. I'm in that old Roman ditch again. Well, forgive me, Miss Upshaw, for intruding into the rarefied atmosphere of advanced mathematics. Not many years ago, I, myself, enjoyed the heady ecstasies of spherical harmonics. Today, I deal in a more forbidding kind of math. I try and balance the budget. Mathematics in its most perplexing form, Dr. Hall seems concerned with multiples of the American dollar. Back-passing is nothing new, but I never saw them pass as fast as they do today. However, we don't want to spoil Miss Upshaw's first evening here with morbid speculations about Ivy's financial problems. Well, I was going to suggest that we take her on a tour of the campus, William, and it was very clever of you to see that she got here on a night with a full moon and all the polyhedrons in blue. Yes, the original thought was to impress Professor Upshaw with Ivy's beauty. But now I'm looking forward to Ivy being impressed by Professor Upshaw. What a nice thing to say. Look, Dr. Hall, why don't we all take her around? I'm perfectly free this evening. As a matter of fact, Kent, I have some budget papers to check over tonight. Well, so, Mr. Kent and I will take Professor Upshaw around. But you have to wait for Mrs. Quincanon to call my love. Mrs. Quincanon? What's she going to call about... Oh, yeah! It's just by the ramage sale, wasn't it? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, well, good heavens, I completely forgotten about it. I was afraid you had the excuse. So I suggest that Mr. Kent unsling his megaphone and take Professor Upshaw on a guided tour. The view of the river from the chapel tower will be lovely tonight. You don't mind, do you, Kent? Mind? Are you kidding? I mean, I should say I don't. How about it, Professor Upshaw? Too tired? Not at all tired, Mr. Kent, and I think it's a delightful idea. First impressions are important. Although I'll never have any nicer ones than meeting the President and his wife. Oh, thank you. Shall we go, Mr. Kent? I don't think I can be ready for... 10 or 15 seconds. Oh, well, remember, Mr. Kent, the chapel tower and the library and Emerson Hall. And Kent, I insist that you take Professor Upshaw for a stroll around the quadrangle. Certainly, sir. Though we do have more interesting sites. I know, I know, but for ages, mathematicians have been concerned with squaring the circles, so I think you can spend a few minutes settling the square. An interesting piece of matchmaking, Toddie. You practically threw them at each other. Oh, I was just taking advantage of their very obvious mutual liking. You see, my darling, having engaged Professor Upshaw over Kent's head, so to speak, and without consulting Mr. Wellman, whose favourite Kent is, I thought that a Kent-Upshaw coalition might be just the thing to counteract any ill-feeling. Oh, Toddie, they need you in the State Department. Thank you, dear. I prefer to be an ambassador of goodwill among my own constituents. Thus, I am not at the mercy of a changing administration because I am the administration. Yes, Louisa? May I clear the coffee things now? Yes, sure, go ahead. Ten years off, so why was I so excited? What was ten years off, Louisa? What I was talking about. The trip to the moon. Oh! I've been telling you about it all day. I read this article that people were going to fly up there, and I just think it's silly. I agree. It's against the law of gravity. I'd say that science has made pools of us all. That's what I said, Dr. Hall. Vicki, about the river in the moonlight, there's only one perfect view, and I thought we might take a little walk. Oh, what a good idea, let's. Louisa, we'll be out for a while. If Mr. Wellman calls, tell him Mrs. Hall and I have gone to lovers' leave. Yes, Dr. Hall. Tell him you suspect it's a double suicide. Do you probably to the fact that we are so completely happy that we're quitting the game while we're ahead? Well, we all have to go sometime. Does herself proud on such a night? If she does this well so early, think what she is capable of in August. Lovely. I don't know why, but it reminds me of Scotland. I can almost smell the heather. It's this old tweed coat of mine. From the sheep of Dundee, the weavers of Edinburgh and the tailors of Bunstreet. Had I known then I was to meet Victoria Cromwell three days later, I would have saved the money and bought her a much finer engagement ring. Oh, well, a piece of thread from your tweed coat tied around my third finger would have held me just as tight as... Well, the sheep who produced it would have been as happy as I am to hear you say so. Well, it's a wonderful jacket and I love it. Give me another sniff. Careful of the moths, darling. Strangers have set them. See, they're rather partial to me. That's just covered love. I have fed and nourished them these many years. They know which side their lapels are buttered on. But thank you anyway, darling. It was a very friendly reminder. Well, I'm a very friendly girl, Doctor Hor. Kiss me and see. Well, what happened to the moon? Nothing. You still have your eyes closed. Oh, yes, yes. Yes, a difficult habit to break, and I'm not sure I want to. I'm a sole operator of the William Hall Eyelid Travel Agency. I shut my eyes and go where I wish. In a blink, I am in England again with you, or standing in the bower of a ship with you again, bringing you to Ivy for the first time as the most beautiful college president's wife who... I mean as the most beautiful wife of a college president. I beg your pardon. Really, Mr. Wellman, you might at least have coughed. No, I didn't think it was necessary. I've been tapping Doctor Hall on the shoulder for five minutes. Was that you, Mr. Wellman? I thought it was my wife. Didn't you think it hard when I patted your hand back? Thought you were just telling me to be quiet. Hello, you are to admire Ivy by moonlight, Mr. Wellman. No, Mrs. Hall, I am not. I came to find you. And, Doctor Hall, of course. Louisa, your housekeeper, said you'd be here. Well, now that you've run to the ground, Mr. Wellman, what can we do for you? You can accept my apologies. You're quite, Mr. Wellman. Oh, I know that's unusual. Don't often apologize. Don't often have to, because I'm usually right about things. And in what direction did your infallibility slip a cog tonight? Well, in raising such a... I mean, making all the fuss about hiring offshore that woman teacher, head of mathematics, forget it. That might be a very good thing. I would have preferred Kent, of course, fine man. But as long as Kent agrees with you, and also with Upshaw, and Upshaw agrees with Kent, and you agree with... Anyway, the Upshaw of the Upshot Matter... I mean, the Upshaw of the Upshaw Matter is... Well, forget it. I'll approve it before the board. Oh, Mr. Wellman, you're a darling. Mrs. Hall, of all the things I've been called in my somewhat tempestuous life... Tempestuous, Mr. Wellman, you. That's why I was talking about thee. I was saying, in my somewhat tempestuous life, I have seldom been called a darling. I won't go into the things I have been called. This is too nice an evening. Well, that's all. Just wanted to make myself clear. Thank you, Mr. Wellman. It was very conscientious of you. Nothing of the sort. It just happens, I... I love this college. I want to do everything I can for it. I mean, anything I can do to improve the... do the things that... Well, by George, I'll do what I think is right, no matter how wrong I am. Howdy, do you realize what it cost him to make that confession? Oh, I do indeed, my darling. But the cost to pride of making rightful amends is, I'm sure, a deductible item in the books of the collector of eternal revenue. But Patterson, all too heard tonight, were Virginia Gregg and William Irwin. Tonight's script was written by Phillip Nelson and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. Ken Carpenter speaking. Oh, we... This production of The Halls of Ivy was broadcast with an actual audience present in the studio.