 Hi friends, my name is Fiona from Shrek Today. I think this is gonna be a yearly thing. Annual thing, oh god. Basically, I'm a little bit stressed. I have not ranted in a while. I think two months only. I typically don't vent on this channel. It's not a thing I do. I don't talk about my feelings every second. Mainly because I try to keep it positive, but ever so often I do have to talk to you guys because I feel like it helps me feel better and you guys can relate sometimes. And if anything, I've always found that hearing someone vent about some random first world problems makes you feel a lot better. I used to watch rant videos just to feel better. So hopefully I'm reaching a demographic of some sort. I just wanna say first of all, thank you guys for all your support. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for just always supporting me, especially throughout my journey. And whenever I'm going through something you guys are always there for me. That's not a common thing to have on YouTube apparently, but I'm just telling you right now, I know I'm lucky to have you guys and I'm very thankful for that every single day. And this is going to be a very selfish rant. We're gonna be talking about things that only apply to a certain percentage of people and they're not that serious problems. I know there's some much more serious stuff going on in the world, an endless amount matter of fact. But it's also important to talk about your feelings. I don't wanna invalidate how you feel. Just because it's a first world problem or it's not the biggest problem in the world doesn't mean it doesn't affect you. And it's important to let things out. You don't wanna build it up in your system because I've done that way too many times and let me just tell you, it does not work. You will lose your mind, just let it out to a friend. So I'm letting it out to you guys because you're my friends, I hope. So this is not scripted, I'm just gonna be going through like how I've been feeling lately. First of all, it's midterm week, so that's something. My midterms aren't terrible, they're just like project orientated. And that's not the main focus. There are things that are going on in my life that may be more stressed and midterm is just added to that pile. I guess the main thing that's been going on since, I'd say March. And I haven't really told anyone because I don't feel the need to and I just think it's useless. But basically, you guys know I've had the stress of being able to pay for college, not having to take out loans, not wanting my parents to pay for it because it makes me feel bad to my stomach and I just don't like thinking about it. Even though I know it's unrealistic for a 18 year old to be able to pay for college. I know, it's stupid, but I just like being independent and having that thought of like, you're not paying it for yourself, your parents are doing it, you're gonna owe them your life. Doesn't say well with me, for others are not affected by it. I just always have felt as a kid, I should be the one to pay for college, not my parents, because they're working, they're over 50 years old. My mom works two jobs still, she doesn't need you. I don't like the idea of her working until like 11 p.m. Cause my friends always say like, where's your mom whenever I bring them over and they stay until that late. I just have to say, my mom's working, I like this store and it's just a convenience store or a grocery store and it doesn't sound that impressive to them. But then I have to know that my mom is working two jobs just to pay for me. And my dad already has back problems, has to work in our garden all the time, like mows the lawn every week. I haven't shown you the garden, but basically our backyard is a jungle and my parents always work on it whenever they're not actually at work. So on top of my dad working and the thought of him having to do all the excessive physical work and I can't be there to do it for him, I don't, I just don't want him to get injured because they're getting older and he still has not bought the electric mower that you can just drive. So I really want to get that for him. He's using the standard one, which I know is tiring for him. And then I'm scared they're gonna get skin cancer cause they're always out in the sun and they don't bother putting on sunscreen even though I tried to tell them to and I give them it, that's another thing. So that's just been in my thoughts since freshman year whenever I thought about college and the ways I've found to be able to pay for it is by doing either sponsorships on YouTube, saving up money through YouTube and through my job as a cashier back then. In March, I tried going into stocks. If you don't know what stocks are, look it up, don't come to me, I'm not a professional. Basically I invested a substantial amount of money, I'd say more than 50%, which is not a good idea, into stocks the moment the COVID made it crash. In my mind, I was like, oh, it'll go back up and then I can pay for college. And this is just me becoming money hungry, which is a stupid thing and I hate feeling this way. And I know it's corrupt and I shouldn't be thinking about this. And the market started to go up around July and I got greedy. I had enough in my balance at that point to be able to pay for college if I just took it out. But Frederick was like, you should be greedy, wait for it to go all the way back up, that way you can pay for even more things for your parents and they don't have to work. And then it fell back down and now I've lost more than 50%. 46% to be exact, because I check this thing every day because I can't get it out of my mind. So I put in half of my savings, had enough to pay for college, got greedy, waited, then it crashed again. Now I have less than 40% of what I originally had. And that stings because it's October now and I had this since March. And every day since I've just checked the market just hoping maybe it'll go up, maybe it'll go back up and just can't stop thinking about it because it's just weighing it over my head like, why would you do that? You could have been able to pay for it but you chose not to. And I just blame myself for it every day since. So that's one of the big things that's still going on my mind. Will be going on my mind until it fixes itself because I know I won't be able to let it go unless I make the exact amount that I could have had or just be able to get the money I had before I put it in. And I haven't told my parents about it because obviously I don't want them to be disappointed. They're still assuming I have profited off the market. And the other thing that's been happening and I wish more people talked about on YouTube, do you guys know that we don't have perfect skin? Like if I turn off this light, it makes my skin less clear, first of all. The camera itself is deceiving. And I've talked about it on my second channel but because I'm farther away from you, my lens doesn't capture every detail. So if I zoom in, you guys need to know it's not perfect. I don't want you guys to think it's perfect. I've been going through some stress basically and there's some pimple patches on me if you're wondering what those are. It's nothing to be ashamed about but lately I've had more acne just because of stress. That thing from March plus school plus being able to balance making videos and not eating as well as I could be, not getting enough sleep, just all those factors, especially stressing about not having clear skin. So even if you think about your acne, it gets worse. All those have started another flare up and this is gonna sound so conceited. I used to have clear skin and I was very happy with it. And I have had cystic acne since middle school but it eventually died down last semester. And then because of all the mask wearing and because of all the friction with the mask because I wear them every day when I'm outside, it just doesn't work well with my skin just doesn't like that. So it's something I can't prevent all the time it's gonna happen. There's a reason it's all around here and not my forehead. And I feel like it's impossible to not get insecure about it just a little but it's because I've had high expectations of what my skin could be. Now that I'm like here, I just feel like I'm here. I hope that makes sense. But I just want you guys to know don't feel bad about having acne. Everyone has a, YouTubers have it, our cameras just lie to you and everything on Instagram is face tuned. So if you're feeling insecure about it just take a step back, don't look at it. Don't stare yourself in the mirror. Like I've ended up buying the stupidest things to clear acne. I had this light treatment thing. You tell me why that was necessary for me to buy. I just spent so much money just trying to find things to fix like an acne treatment, another acne treatment, this acne lotion, CeraVe because I just start spiraling down of like which product will work. And the truth is sometimes it's none of them. Sometimes it's just stop caring so much. Let it do its thing, it'll go away eventually in life. And maybe this would be less of an issue if acne was more normalized in mainstream media. The next thing recently has been resolved. This happened back in July. I can't say much about it, but basically don't be academically dishonest, especially in college, you can get in a lot of trouble. I had the summer class and I didn't know all the answers to a quiz. So I asked my friend for help and then we got caught because they found our answers were too similar and this case lasted until now, from June till now. They said they give us an email, never got back to us until last week. I ended up passing the class because I just got a zero for that thing. But it just lingered over my head because this whole time I was like, what's going to happen? Am I going to be expelled, suspended, community service, fail the class and have to take it again? None of those answers were clear to us for months and finally I get the answer. But that was just a thing that was over my head for a long time. And all these things have been going on for a while. They all just started, but one thing on top of another just kept piling up because I just don't talk to people about it. How do I talk to people about stocks? You know, like, who am I going to talk to about stocks? So I'm letting it out. I'm sorry if these problems are very stupid and selfish because I know they are. And then there's YouTube. There's always YouTube. It's always the thing about YouTube. If my channel isn't growing, I feel like it's dying. Then I feel like I'm not going to be able to pay for college and I feel like I'm not going to be able to do this as my dream career and that people don't like me anymore or that my content is stale and I don't know how to fix it. Does this sound similar to what happened last year? I know you guys want me to paint all the time. I can't do that. You know that I'm in college. My content is going to reflect college stuff too. So if you don't like it, if you're just here for the Minecraft paintings, just go ahead. I'd leave. I'm not going to do those forever. But whenever the graphs just start going down, I start feeling down, which is so stupid how my feelings are better if this goes up. That's not healthy. I know it's not healthy. I can't get rid of it. I'm trying. I want to be able to let it go and not think about it all the time. I try to remind myself that I have a podcast and it's going great. I have a second channel that's going great. My life is great here. I'm in New York City. I'm very privileged. It's fine. So don't feel bad. It's none of your fault. This is just a me thing and it's just a trend that happens on YouTube. You'll always have ups and downs. You just have to be able to understand that it'll go back up again. So I just want you guys to know that I'm doing okay. If I feel off in some videos, it's just life. Hopefully it gets better soon and I'll see you guys next week. I'm sorry if my content is a little different than what you liked and sorry I can't be 100% Frederick all the time, like always happy and jittery. It's just not a reality. But I've been taking care of plants since then. Plant tour, look at all of these boys. So if you want that video, I'll do it one day. That's all I have for you guys though. If you enjoyed, give it a like, leave a comment down below. Subscribe for more videos every week. I post every Saturday. Subscribe to my second channel where we talk about skincare and self care. Our podcast channel where I co-host with Kiana. All my social media is FertrickTranYT. And as always, I love you guys and everything is less than three.