 Hi, it's Bridget. Welcome to Sunday Morning Coffee with Bridget today. Do I have coffee? Oh, I do. I have a little bit left. Hmm. It's snowing. Yeah, like one to four inches or something. It's kind of pretty. Yeah, it makes things brighter, I guess. So that's good. I decided to record this because I was feeling some stuff and I thought, hey, energetically, there's definitely some things moving. So let's have a conversation. Why don't we? So this came up in the channeling session that I did on above life channel when I was talking with Carrie Fisher and it's about this concept of with holding. So there's a lot around the delicate balance between honoring yourself. And what's true for you and then being vulnerable and sharing that authentically with another person. And the delicate balance is this awareness of how different people are and how even people who are in loving relationship can be really confused about the way in which or what is shared. When someone trusts you to really be vulnerable and share, it's not coming from a place of they need you to help fix them. It's coming from a place of, hey, I'm feeling a lot. I trust you to know me and maybe I need some comfort or maybe I need to just get this out of my body because it's been in here for a long time and I just need you to be with me while I'm saying this expressiveness or doing this. And I think understanding that so often we are we've been trained and taught and very well trained and taught to it's like embedded within us to withhold so that we can very much be in control and management of how other people see us and perceive us in relationships and this is dangerous. It's dangerous, but we are rewarded for it, because you behave a certain way when you're at church you behave a certain way when you're at your workplace you behave a certain way at a fancy restaurant. Right to the place of where you dress and how you dress and how you act and what you say and what you don't say. It's more about withholding, like what you don't say versus what you do say, or what you don't wear. And I think if you look out like if you have a bunch of piercings let's say and you're like oh I don't want to oh I need to grandma's going to be there and I don't want her to be staring at my lip ring, you know, you take things away. You withhold things that are part of you and your expression of yourself in order to be able to what to be received to be accepted to pretend to belong. And maybe that's a drastic statement pretend to belong maybe it's just, there are kinds of sets of behaviors and kind of a standardized kind of code of conduct that you're not going to drop the f bomb at a church, necessarily, for example, you know when you're having the cookies after and you're having something like that's not a normal kind of typical thing and there are, there is a level or degree of decency human manners or manualisms behaviors that are just kind of a general kind of kindness politeness kind of thing but when that gets taken to the extreme. We get into scenarios where we have to make conscious choices about what to share and what not to share. When we're in relationship. And we are vulnerable, which we are, if you love someone, you're always vulnerable in that place because what if you share that one thing that just one thing that makes them leave you makes them. There's so much and then all of your personal fears from all your past life experiences and this lifetime and other lifetimes come flooding in and are like see I told you that she would leave or see I told you he wouldn't love you because you're just too much or not enough. There's so much internal dialogue that happens that I think puts us into a scenario where we have to make those choices whether we're going to withhold or not. And withholding isn't necessarily the savings plan. It's just maybe prolonging the inevitable because if that person was going to leave because they got scared. They were just waiting for a reason. You didn't even have to give them one. It's basically an excuse not a reason like, like you didn't cause it. It was going to happen eventually anyway because of their own trauma is it's not it's not on you but yet you carry this blame the shame this guilt this awareness that oh they don't love me because I'm not lovable and that's not the truth. So withholding is a very conscious thing that we do, I think, or if at bare minimum for people who are responding from trauma and in relationships and trauma dynamic. There are just a whole layer of complexities here about withholding that it's a safety thing. And it's a survival thing and it's an essential thing and it's a defense mechanism and it's kept them alive up to this point maybe quite literally. And so to judge that wouldn't really be fair. Yet at the same time the person who is in relationship with you it's, it's, it's essential for you to have some kind of expectations that they will communicate and connect to you. It's a place of wounding or pain because you're not in the place of wounding or pain with them you didn't cause that and you're not in relationship with them to heal them to make them magically better to give them a part of themselves they're missing and if that's really the relationship you're in. Then what's happening is there is a withholding entering into the relationship by the person who is the wounded person they are looking to find love to fall into love to get. They're going to be like a Dijak of infactuation or these kind of feel good bubbly vibes of, of, oh, she's so great or oh he's so awesome or he does everything for me and he's so great he doesn't ask for anything in return. Well not yet because it's new right. Eventually, that person that is looking to seek to be filled up is going to feel disappointed board and they're going to they're going to leave or they're going to add on other things that continue to give them those bubbly fuzzy feelings externally and artificially or temporarily. And that's, again, this isn't a place of judgment. It's just a very kind of obvious thing that you can look at relationships and see that dynamic you can see it. So then the goal for you and I I think is in healthy relationship, number one you have to want to be in a healthy relationship, even if somebody like strikes your fancy or you think they're awesome. I mean, there's friendships and romantic partnerships on talking both, because there's imbalance in both relationships if somebody's always reaching out to you when they need to vent or they need to pick me up or to feel good. That is a huge red flag. It doesn't mean that they're a narcissist, and they're keeping you on while they're working their new supply. It doesn't mean that see all these words that are going around like, it doesn't necessarily don't jump to that. It means that they're not in a place where they can be in healthy relationship because they're always bringing their stuff to you. Instead of coming into the relationship, wanting to be in an interactive sharing expressive receiving scenario with you they just need to pick me up and I feel good and that's what you are you're kind of like a drug for them. You are like medicine for them. You are espresso shot for them so they feel good and then they can go back into their lives and then continue about their days, they can get through their work day. They can go be with their family they can go, you know, do whatever it is that they need to do and they're running on the fuel that you gave them the caffeine you're their caffeine, you see, that's not healthy. Because what's happening is that person isn't in love with you, they are in love with the way that you make them feel. So they want the feeling, not the person. So they it doesn't really matter what kind of person or who is going to come into their lives that will give them that. It's not personal. It's not about you. So if you felt like you've been in relationship where people have withheld, or it seems very kind of deceptive or like half truths and all that. Maybe it's just simply to be able to look at the situation in a way where there's some acknowledgement by you that this person is not looking to be with you. This person is not really wanting loving needing you and your qualities they are needing just the love. Because you're an empathic person before because you're kind because you're such a giver, you naturally would be the person who gives second and third and fourth and 12th chances to people because of this whole open openness or desire to really see people and have them feel loved and all that. So it's not to say that the people who are coming to you so that you can make them feel good or bad people. It's not that that's not what's happening here. This is an awareness of with holding. So the question here is, who are you with. And what are you holding. So there might be there might just be a perspective here for you, the one who is the holder. A disconnect. So within your heart in your space, you want to share vulnerably you want to be open and trusting exchange. And yet when you get to that place and you need to share you need to say something you can't because the other person's like constantly. Oh I need this and everything's bad and this is bad happening now and all this and then they have moments maybe where they're like really kind. But then all of a sudden it switches into something else about them it's all about them because they don't know how to be there for you and to hold that space of vulnerability for you they don't know how to do that. They just they just literally don't know they don't have those skills perhaps but it's not for you the holder to teach them you are not a teacher you are not the healer you are not the fixer. And the truth is is as empaths we've been taught that we are all those things and especially if you're a mother, you are the fixer you're the problem solver, you're the manager. You're the healer, you're the one with all the answers that is the expectation societal right and in other relationships with your spouse. You're kids with your lover with your friends there's different different ways that people interact with us because we are holding something like a course that of values and identity that relates to the fact of how much we are the go to we are the support structure for people. So when we enter into relationship with the person who needs to feel good. They don't care that they're with you they think they care that's you but it's really not about you it's about getting their needs met. Have you heard that I have needs that need to be met. And so therefore then all their actions are justified, or they are telling you hey I can't be in relationship with you. And what you need to do is believe them and back away and disconnect, because you are holding this. And it's hard to do that because you're holding these expectations of yourself as the empath as the one who wants to be loved. You want to share love you want to give love you want to receive it. You want all of it, but this other person doesn't. They just don't want that because they don't know what to do with you, except for to take from you, your life source your vitality again, these are not bad people. These are people that are healing these are people that are are dealing with addictions are dealing with narcissistic relationships are dealing with really hard things trauma. Okay. And that is for a therapist to work through with those people with those people when they're in those scenarios and for you as the empath who wants to be in the giving receiving loving relationship or your communicative or your vulnerable. Sometimes you're vulnerable sometimes they're vulnerable there's really a balance. And you as the empath who want to be in that loving relationship need to also be considering going to a therapist or a life coach that talks to you then about what it is that you need so you can set some boundaries. So that you don't have people that come into life that just take from you and suck all your energy. Like I said, these can be very nice people very kind people very attractive people and appealing to you, but it's not, you have to recognize what's healthy for you. And if you are working through your own awareness about your own behavior on needs and what you're holding why you need somebody to to come to you as this expert or why you need somebody to come to you to show them how to do something or or to feel better about themselves. There's a piece in you that needs that validation. You need that feel good. You need that understanding that when somebody's dependent on you it means they love you. And that's not true dependency and love is not the same thing. It's not a healthy form of love. You can read theories about attachment theory about relationships and communication and relationships codependent no more by melody baby is a great book. It focuses on some of the addiction pieces, but it also talks about general healthy relationships and attachment theories, which gives you just a great context for relationships and what's healthy and you'll recognize that a lot of your relationships are codependent and codependency by the way doesn't mean. I rely on you too much. It's not necessarily it's not that it's not what you think it is and codependency is not healthy interdependency is where there's a balance a given exchange, and being the person that needs somebody to be dependent on you you need to be that's an issue you have to work through in healing and counseling and therapy there's probably some trauma in your early childhood relationships that put you into a place where you had to be the fixer you had to adjust and adapt to other people's needs, and you were ready and waiting for the inconsistency to breeze into your life with maybe one of your parents and then having to pick up the pieces and make everybody feel good. And that is the scenario you're playing out and the unhealthy about imbalance in this relationship where somebody else is just needing, needing to feel good, and you are mistaking it as they need you, they love you, needing you is not the same as loving you. It's not. It's just not. It's not. So the big question is is in the withholding. What are you holding. Just pull that out. Pull that shit out look at it. What is this self awareness is the key to the holding part withholding isn't isn't supposed to be a punishment is supposed to be this understanding of being with relationship with people and holding your relationship with somebody else. So that you don't give it to somebody else or aren't using somebody else to fill your voids. Some people will misidentify this as I have needs therefore here's a reasons for my behavior, there's no justification. There's no justifying, there's no you're right I'm wrong there's only alignment. There's only the alignment. It's only the alignment. What is healthy. It's consistent. What are you noticing over and over again from yourself in all the different relationships you're in with your kids with your coworkers with your sister with your lover with your mom, your mom, what are you noticing. Are you showing up and are you the chameleon adapting because you're holding all these things because you know how to just be ready to support anybody at any given time I'm just ready. I'm ready to help you at any given time and sacrificing yourself and your own identity in your relationship with somebody else to do that and that's what's happening. If you're the fixer if you're the go to if you're so sensitive you're the empath you feel drained, you need to take a look at yourself and what are you with in relationship will show you what you're holding. What are you holding. What are you holding. What is it. And when you can see yourself when you allow yourself the permission to be vulnerable within yourself not with somebody else they will not validate you. Unless they have earned the right like Brene Brown says earn the right to hear your story. To earn the right to be in that sacred space with you that you can trust them to listen to you and actually care about you and where you're coming from not the fight they just had with their co worker, not the bad scenario at home that they're having to go deal with or the relative that's living off their money or whatever it is the deadbeat dad whatever it is. Can you trust that person to be present can you trust that person to be present with you and if you can't. You need to go back to ground like the basics go back to your center yourself and say can I trust myself to hold space for me, because you can't trust yourself to hold space for you and all your shit. As you grow evolve become aware and then communicate and improve your relationships if you can't hold space for you. Nobody will respect the energy of you and your authenticity and your vulnerability. Nobody can respect if you can't respect that within yourself if you don't create that at home first. There's another person who needs you was getting their needs met by you. It's this sucks this is a hard conversation to have, but it's the truth. I'm both sides for both of you with holding for you with. And what are you holding. I really feel into what's yours and what's not. Sometimes you make things yours so that you can excuse why the person is acting the way they are or why they say what they say or why they need other outlets or other people to fill their voids in addition to you or, or addiction or overbusiness or overworking or whatever they're they're distracting with. Be aware. Pay attention. Pay attention. You're not an elixir for someone if someone says oh you're an elixir to me or you're in medicine from here. Oh you just make me feel so good, not. Oh I feel so good. And with you is amazing. You're awesome. You are awesome as a person like they're talking about what you do for them not who you are as a person. If they don't talk about who you are as a person and just what you do for them or what you don't do for them. Huge red flag. Huge red flag. You're falling into a pattern and a habit. It's time to come inside. Look at what you're holding to take accountability for that. And then to find people who also take accountability for their actions their behaviors their choices and who create support for themselves for healing for growth for evolution without the excuses. I think at our core while just doing our best and during this holiday season, the relationship component is going to be just in your face. Remember that you are first and foremost there for yourself. Write in your journal be vulnerable with yourself be honest with yourself get supportive a counselor a therapy group, maybe an online group. Maybe a church group whatever is going to work for you just do that. So you have support that you need within yourself. So you don't go seeking it from somebody else to fill a void, or to support some old behavior pattern of you being needed. Because it is really what's keeping you from the right relationships, the right alignment, and from your being authentically you. I thank you so much for being here and Sunday morning coffee podcast episode kind of an intense one but things needed to be said I think. I know that a lot of the groups that I'm involved in there's a lot going on, and a lot of people are being really having their asses handed to them. And I think it's time for us to really recognize our power in our place is our roles in those relationships how are we feeding and being part of the problem. The source of somebody's feel good we are being we're giving them the cigarette, you know, like somebody else might have given them the cigarette but we're the lighter, you know what I mean, it's like, oh that's not healthy like think about it that way, right. Like that deep stuff but it's a good time of year to do that as we're nearing into leaning into December and into the, the winter months. It's a great opportunity of going within and resting and really taking care of yourself and line the shadow just be in your presence, not to hurt you or define you but just for you from the past cycles in the pain. You don't need to be mistreated. That's not love. Love is inside you. It's who you are, and lately, and it's what you are. Thank you.