 Hey, hey, thank you so much for joining me on another episode of talks with Tony Got a question today. It's a looks like it's a little lengthy, but not too too bad So hi Tony, I recently watched you on the breakfast club interview and shortly after I subscribed to your podcast I love and appreciate the advice you give because it is so relatable Thank you so much for watching my breakfast club interview for those of you who have not Probably just can search Tony Gaskin's breakfast club on YouTube and it'll come up However, I have a situation not necessarily a question, but maybe just advice is what I need I am 25 years old. My boyfriend is 27 We have been together for five years So since you were 20 and he was 22 and we also have been living together for one year in 2016 we broke up because he said he needed time to get himself together When in my eyes it really meant he had interests elsewhere. I am a very loving person I love love and after being in a draining relationship with my ex He was the total opposite of my ex everything. I ever wanted in a man So when he broke up with me it devastated me to where I cried so much my eyes would be swollen and I lost weight within the breakup Within the breakup for two weeks I slept with a random guy because I was so numb and I felt it would be fulfilling for me because of the hurt he caused me at This time I thought we were Really over because my boyfriend had stopped talking to me as if I wasn't anything to him Well after getting back together Three weeks later He went through my phone while I was asleep and saw a message I was talking to my friend about the rebound. I had sex with To be deep to be detailed I mentioned how it didn't feel right because one he wasn't my boyfriend and I had no connection with him But I did say his girth was big. This caused my boyfriend to flip s I don't curse but y'all know the s-word to flip s and after that we remained together Trying to make it work Within the anger. He also told me he did sleep with someone he met on a dating app Which meant he really did have interest in someone else four years later. Here we are He still has major insecurity about what he saw in my phone that night He has become very draining because of this every time we argue. He holds it over my head as if he didn't do the same we don't do it as often anymore or Go on dates He is a homebody, but I feel like if it's for my happiness, he would be with it When we have sex sometimes I can't even enjoy it because I'm afraid if I even suggest someone He'll flip it and ask If that's what I did with the other guy if you even suggest Somehow or sometimes he'll flip it. Oh, okay. I'm not sure what you mean if you suggest someone I Care about his feelings so much when we have sex. It's like stepping on eggshell. So I try to do everything right I don't understand how am I so wrong for sleeping with a rebound in a breakup when he did the same It caused issues in our household to where I feel disconnected from him and sometimes very alone I always ask him why can't he be the way he was when we met and he says he was really young when we met And now he's older. So other things are on his mind like success at this point I'm on the edge of breaking it off with him because I have nothing else to offer I recently listened to an episode of yours where you said giving a man hubby treatment when he's just a boyfriend It's something we shouldn't do I however am doing that exact thing to make up for the guilt I feel of what I did, but it's not fixing anything I've even paid rent on my own twice because he lost his job I also let him use my car I come from a two-parent household and he comes from a one-parent household his dad died when he was 18 So I feel like this has a lot to do with it. He doesn't know how to treat a woman When he was 18 He doesn't know how to treat a woman Correctly because he never saw it. There are so many layers ups and downs to my relationship But I really love this man and I know he loves me We talk about marriage a lot, but I'm but am I setting myself up? Please help Well sister, I tell you this and it's hard. This is definitely hard y'all have been together five years in 2016 you broke up so Five years ago this 2019 so y'all got together 2014 2016 You broke up because he said he needed some time to get himself together So first let's address that The first thing you met him Actually, let's go back. He was 22 Ladies you have to understand that a man under the age of 25 is Hard to trust because he does not have his life figured out even men at 25 Even men at 30 still do not have things figured out still growing still learning You got him at 22. So he didn't really know what he wants I got married at 23, but I didn't get it right until 25 as far as my mindset So you met him 22. He didn't know What he wanted and he's an average man. He's an average man meaning that you know He's just kind of growing at the normal pace 2016 he left you Said he needed to get himself together That always means I need some time to investigate This other woman to spend some time with this other woman to see if I'm interested somewhere else So your intuition Told you that you felt he had interests elsewhere and you were very right You went and slept with another man because you felt so numb. I cannot argue your feelings Because I am not a woman And I don't know what that feels like Um, I would imagine if I asked some women they may say that's an excuse I don't care how hurt I am I'm not going to lie up under another man where I can potentially get pregnant or catch a disease Just because I'm hurting because my boyfriend left me if anything I will lie in my bed and cry and lose weight and not eat But I'm definitely not going to sleep with another man So you have to address that and you got to be real and honest with yourself Did you have sex with him because you were numb and because you thought it would be fulfilling Um, or because you wanted to get back at your ex or Because you just wanted some physical touch or if You know, you have or if there's some type of you know insecurity or Sexual addiction there. You have to get to the truth of that matter, you know yourself but You didn't delete your text you text your girl about it and the text is kind of It's uh It makes it sound like that you're lying, you know about your feelings about You slept with a random guy because you were so numb And you felt it would be fulfilling for you because of the hurt your ex had caused you But then in talking to your girl about the rebound You mentioned the guy's girth So that is a sign of pleasure that you Took notice of his size And the pleasure that I bumped into a post the other day And I can't remember what it was or where it came from um it was a I think it was a woman promoting like a female toy, you know pleasure toy and It was like an ad You know, and then I clicked on the page who sells the toys And they had a post on there and it said women What matters most to you? girth number one to length And like I'm reading the comments and like 80 percent of the women said girth And then probably you know 10 percent said both And then like 10 percent said length And I remember clients saying that to me in coaching calls That oh I got with this new guy and he's different than my last guy, but you know for him You know the sex is different because it's not as long but he has girth And I'm like what is this that I'm hearing And so for you to say that that represents some you know Some pleasure that you took some notice of this So when your boyfriend read that it threw him all the way off Because if this was just rebound sex if this was meaningless sex, why are you commenting on the size of the man? That right there Understand this I think it was rick ross who had an album title that is titled God forgives I don't Men do not forgive We do not forgive And when I say that I'm speaking it's a blanket statement We we do actually forgive but what I mean is 90 percent of men don't forgive And the 10 percent that does We never forget So it's things that you know 12 years into marriage. I still want to bring up from 10 years ago As a man And I'm a mature man Look what I'm doing with my life So if a mature man Who is 35 years old? And loves god, you know lives right Inside and out behind the scenes matches his highlight reel speaking of myself If a mature man Still hasn't gotten over some small things that happened a decade ago and still Has battles of wanting to bring it up. I wanted to bring something up last night I'm a relationship coach So I say that to be very honest and transparent to say if I feel this way every man Feels this way. I mean 90 to 99 percent of men feel this way. So with your guy being 27 Oh my goodness You are definitely playing yourself. You are definitely setting yourself up for failure You it's it's unfortunate That what you did During the breakup is being held against you because he did the same thing He would have never told you he only told you out of anger And he could even be lying about about it. I don't I don't think he's lying, but he could be lying He told you out of anger. He would have never even told you what he did But the fact that you went and in his eyes bragged about this guy's girth to your friend He he has stayed with you To use you He stayed with you because he knows how much you love him and how much you want to be with him But he's actually You know a bomb boy He's actually a grown boy And a bomb boy, you know, because he's living off of you losing jobs And not going to get another job got you paying rent using your car. He's using you He's lost. He's confused and he's hurt And he's there to get from you what he can get when he finds your replacement He's gonna drop you like a bad habit and he will not care at all He's going to look you in the eyes and say go back and get your girth Go back to girth boy. I'm out of here When he gets on his feet, he's leaving you Like there's no tomorrow. He is out of there So listen to me when I tell you It has nothing to do with his upbringing that his dad died at 18 It it has everything to do just with the male ego And our feelings and our heart and how we process things has everything to do with that So understand this you're gonna have to Find some strength Get some coaching or some counseling or both And hear what you need to hear work on you and grow but I believe you're gonna have to let this go It's a personal choice But he's never going to get over this. He's never going to get over this And you will have to hear about this And the fact that you know y'all have been together for five years and you're not married I reading this thought that y'all are married on I forgot that you're not married That's another huge red flag If he's not trying to you're not even engaged Marriage is not even on the table You will be in the same place Five years from now you will have wasted 10 years of your life I honestly believe you will be in the same place 15 years from now But you probably may have two or three kids. I don't see if you mentioned anything about kids But you probably end up with two or three kids from him over the next 10 years And then you definitely will be stuck and you will feel like your life is over So listen to me when I tell you The mistakes of your past Are being held against you. Is it fair? No But is it happening? Yes Is the reality? Yes Do you have to live with it understand that and realize that you can't force him to forgive force him to heal? Yes, you got to come to that realization And I think it's time to wash your hands of this situation You probably won't listen to me And you probably look up in five years and realize that I was right But I've seen this and I deal with it on this end over and over and over So so just like you wrote me this same situation I I got a thousand other emails from women who they at year 10 And another thousand that's at year 15 Who had this same opportunity to leave at five years And didn't want to do it because it was too painful to break the soul tie Make sure you visit Tony Gaskins academy.com. That's my name academy.com. I got a course called soul ties Got a course called real love university If you're listening to this and you need it take those courses their dirt cheap Take the courses you can actually use the coupon code Tony 20. That's tony 2 0 tony 2 0 So before hitting purchase You hit view this course you read the whole course you hit buy now But before entering your information, you hit apply Have a coupon put tony 20 to your ny 2 0 hit apply coupon Then hit purchase you'll get 20 off the course. They're already cheap But make sure you take the soul ties course real love university I have another course called dating 101 understanding men All of those courses will help you Hey, this is Tony Gaskins. Thank you so much. If you have a question, please send it in to inbox At tony gaskins.com inbox at tony gaskins.com talk soon