 G'day mate, 40 here. So being with people over Passover makes me realize how much my default is known. How much my soul is still in lockdown. Okay, I think pretty much gone through life with a soul in lockdown. And then, and it was very easy for me to adjust to the COVID lockdowns like too easy. Right? Sometimes things that are that are congenial that just fit with your personality, they tend not to be very good for you. And so, I've always had this tendency towards isolation, to, you know, just doing my own thing, to having very inflexible rules with other people. And, wow. And I just realized the other night, like, oh, something's not right here. I'm spending, you know, way too much time alone. Like, I love to do my particular exercises. And when I want to do them, watch my particular shows, you know, read my particular books, do my particular live streams. Like, I really love having everything on my terms, which is quite isolating. So I think it's an adaptation to the chaos of my childhood as I developed these very inflexible ways of dealing with other people. And so over Sabbaths and Jewish holidays where I've thrown in with a lot of other people, I'm just so keenly aware that my default is no. And then if I can relax, if I can come to things without being feeling threatened or under stress or feeling pushed or manipulated, then I can relax and I can start to say yes to things if I feel comfortable. But I guess I'm like a woman, right? Nothing good happens with a woman when you're on a date with a woman until she feels safe. And until I feel safe and comfortable and relaxed. And then then I can start saying yes. But I have a 55 year old bachelor and do I want to get married? Yes, I want to get married. But you put me, oh, you want to you want to shit up date with X, Y, Z. It's like my default is no. Right? It's like somehow that's too confrontational, usually. Like unless it's exactly my type, right? I have a certain type that I cannot say no to. But unless it's exactly my type, it's kind of sad how my default is just no. But I think I'm an every man there. I think all of us, our default is no. Right? You want to volunteer? No. You want to go outside at night? No. You want to have an interview for a new job? No. Do you want to go to this meetup group? No. Right? I think I think that's the default for all of us, like for women. When you date a woman, women decide. And so initially you try to chat someone up and they've got a default of no. So you have to bring something special to the table so that they don't they don't ignore you or bail out of that conversation. And then you ask a woman out and the default is going to be no. Unless usually you bring something special to the table to override that default of no. And then you have one date and then to have it go out again. A default will usually be no. You have to bring something special on that first date. You have to seem like you're going to be a provider and a protector to even get a second date. And then to be able to kiss a woman, usually you have to override her natural default of no, no, no. So I guess there's a lot of the woman in me and just struck in the communal atmosphere of Passover, where almost everyone's married with kids and they're these very tight interpersonal ties and and at the prospect of like being fully joined in with that sort of community, my default is is no. My default is run away. Now, if I can have a relaxed conversation with people, then then the attraction can grow so that I think, oh, no, I don't want to I can't picture my life going forward without this woman. So there being a lot of women who I dated and had relations with who initially I just had no particular interest in. But because I would interact with them fairly frequently, then then things changed. So my father would say propinquity being close to someone, breeds attraction. And so the prospect of, oh, do you want me to find out if someone likes you? Like that's scary to me. You know, I'm not ready for that. I want to I feel like I'm perfectly capable of judging for myself, you know, whether or not a woman likes me and that press prospect of, do we like each other or not to go out? It's kind of daunting for some women, like for a small percentage of women who are just my type, then there's no daunting is like, yes. But generally speaking, I need I need I need conversation, guys. I need to be warmed up. You can't just like make a shudder date for me right away. Right. I need I need the social amenities. I need I need conversation. I need caring and acts of tender kindness. I need like interactions that are in a relaxed place where we're not having to make decisions, you know, whether or not to move forward. Can't we can't we just hang out on a social basis, right, instead of going on a date at first? I can't we walk together? Can't we be at a meal together? Can't we, you know, be at a singles gathering together? Everybody's looking so relaxed and content when he's walking down the beach. The man is such an inspiration for bachelor. I am very content at the beach. 40 needs love and affection. Yeah, I need love and affection before I can make a decision or whether or not I want to pursue a shiddock. A shiddock means a match in Jewish. I remember I had one girlfriend who had so much contempt for me. Like she thought I was a wimp because I talk about how sore my feet were when I had plantar fasciitis. And, you know, I had this this problem, that problem that I was going to a physical therapist for and spending thousands of dollars taking care of my aches of pains. She was not impressed with me at all. She'd say, oh, you don't have any friends and your low status. And my other boy friends would never put out with all the stuff that you put out with. I am not going down the men going their own way lane. It's just, I just noticed my default is no. I need conversation. I need to get to know someone before I can commit to the shiddock game. But anyway, this girlfriend had so much contempt for me. But one thing I think I ever did that impressed her is that I ran out here into this ocean and like just dived into the waves. And she said I look like an Adonis. So that was the only time it's easier to sleep alone than listen to that female yappowner. That was the only time she was impressed here in the ocean because I'm very at ease in the ocean. Very at ease diving into the waves, body surfing, like swimming, like swimming is in Australia. It's just, you know, second nature. So I dated her for a year. That was the only time that I remember that she was impressed, impressed by me. So I didn't know it's your default. No, like if someone asked you to volunteer, someone asked you to go to an event, someone asked you if you want to date someone, it's your default. No, did anyone ever tell you you look like Tom Cruise in this song? No, no one's ever told me I look like Tom Cruise in any context whatsoever. The weekly standard said I did look like an acid-washed Brad Pitt. So I figured if you're watching this live stream that you too have a default of no. So I was walking from the Santa Monica Pier, which will be behind me, to Venice, so the crazy Venice boardwalk. And I just felt it taking so long. I did this walk two weeks ago with a friend and it just went by just like that. But today I'm doing it on my own and the walk seemed to take four times as long. I'm attached, I know is always the answer. Yeah, but your wife will ask you, do you want to go out to eat? Do you want to never turn down a date? Vegas can't be choosers, but yeah, I would try to never turn down a date, but there's not really a lot of dating in Orthodox Judaism. It's more like meeting. Like you don't date in Orthodox Judaism, you pair up to get married and people tend to make decisions fairly quickly. So the more religious you are, the more likely you are to make a quick decision about whether or not you want to marry someone. So the most religious Jews, they will usually make a decision within two or three meetings. The more modern the Orthodox Jew, then they might wait a year. But it's very rare Orthodox Jew gets past age 25. He's a bachelor. So I'm 55 and whenever anyone asks me, do you want to get married? My answer is yes, yes, I want to get married. But I love the perspective. Tech lead has this perspective. A lot of other people have this perspective that we've got the life that we've chosen. So I made decisions that got me here. So I made a lot of isolating decisions because I know periodically like someone will come into my life and then my social life will just transform. So in 2003, Kathy Seib came into my life. So for about four years, I was incredibly active social life. We had dinner at Eugene Volek's house. We went to parties. We went to events. And so they slept me along. Taka girl and I regularly people watching the muse ourselves. She'll tell me if she thinks the guy's hot, we have fun with it. Orlando is amazing, wig of paradise. Oh yeah, I lived in Orlando for eight months. So I met this woman online. She was 11 years older than me. So I was 27, she was 38 and she was housebound by chronic illness. And that's how we met. I answered her singles ad in the Orlando Jewish newspaper. Hey, 40, how do I rate Nick Cage? I don't have any opinion on Nick Cage. So this is 1993. And so when we started talking regularly, she said, you got to meet my psychiatrist. So I eventually moved to Orlando in a large part to meet her amazing psychiatrist. And he turned out to be just as good as advertised, got me on, what did he get me on anyway? He turned my life around. So yeah, I spent eight months in Orlando, went to Oh Have Shalom, congregation Oh Have Shalom. It's a kind of a right-wing conservative synagogue in Orlando. I was there the last four months, five months of 1993, first three months of 1994. So yeah, periodically these social people come into my life and I'll just go along for the ride. I guess I'll borrow their functioning. Suddenly my life just dramatically expands and every Friday night is booked and Saturday lunches are booked. And coming to Atlanta tomorrow, going home on Thursday, congrats Bernard. Welcome to the land of the free and the home of the brave. But these people, these families that adopt me, that eventually falls and I'm thrown back on my own devices. So I think I need to join a gym. That seems like a really social thing to do. I've got my own workouts that I love to do at home. I've got my push-ups and my planks and my stationary bike and I love to go for long walks. But I think it's time to join a gym, go swimming and go to yoga classes, be around other people more. I bet a lot of beach cougars have their lustful eyes on that Aussie hunger man. There is a real cougar. There's a real cougar in LA. Nick Kays should play 40 in his bio-pec. There's a real cougar in LA by Griffith Park. It killed a koala bear and it's called P22. And it's been around for at least 10 years. They've got it tagged and it's successfully crossed freeways. They've built a special freeway now for cougars. They're building a special freeway, I think over the 101 for cougars to cross safely. But P22 shows up in Silver Lake and I guess Echo Park and around Griffith Park. So we've got our own cougar here in LA, it's a celebrity. But do you ever think if you are default on no, it's a little too strong? And let's say that you have the life that you created. I think this is the life that you've chosen. You're saying no way too much. So normally if you say no to someone twice, then most people will not ask you a third time. So we've probably set up a lot, Nick Cage in the bad seats. Yeah, I've heard about them. I've read a long article about Nick Cage and I may have even mentioned him in a live stream. I've done a live stream about him but I don't remember anything. One of the reasons I do so many live streams and talk about the books and articles that I'm reading because unless I do that, I forget. Like I just read a book by a woman at Harvard, a psychologist who specializes in the art of conversation. And I remember almost nothing from her book. No, she hasn't written a book. I just listened to her on podcasts. She's published a lot of peer reviewed academic articles. But I remember almost nothing from her except that generally speaking, we'd be better off changing topics more frequently in a conversation until we find one that hits and it is stimulating to both parties. So that's the one takeaway. So because I haven't done any live streams on her conclusions about the art of conversation, I don't remember what she said. I don't think I have the short term memory that I used to have 30 years ago. So I was listening to Michael Lewis as a podcast. So I've been listening all through that. And I think in season one or two, she came on to talk about the art of conversation. But unless I do a live stream about it, I forget it. So yeah, just noticing that my default is turned to no a little too much and how much my life expended by saying yes to more things like volunteering and yes to going to a 12 step program and yes to training as an Alexander Technique teacher. Time to say yes to a few more things. And at the same time to make peace with that part of me that's so scared and frightened that has a default of just saying no. That my default on no is definitely too strong. It's maladaptive, but it's there for a reason. Like I'm turning down all sorts of opportunities to participate in life out of a maladjusted sense of protecting myself from the randomness of life from the scary nature of human connection. And because when you connect with people they then will make demands on you or they will make requests on you or you will develop obligations to other people which will then curtail your freedom. Just saying no, brah, says Elliot Blatt. No, I'm saying no way too much, brah. Elliot, so what do you think of the Matica vs Fuentes debate? I just don't know who would be proud of Fuentes for his performance in that debate. So I've gone to the beach now, two of the last three Sundays here at the Santa Monica Beach. So I've got to get out and about more, push myself, meet up with friends. So I'm making all these plans to meet up with friends. I'm making an effort, man. Checking out meetup groups and just taking a pause and noticing how I'm saying no. Right? So you know, pass over, you're sitting around a table with people. It's a pretty strong form of connection. And why am I just backing off obligations or opportunities to have stronger forms of connection?