 So thanks for staying with us and well I want to welcome you back by asking the question, how deep is your love in polygamy? Group marriage is a blanket term for marriages that include multiple wives or husbands and joining us right away is Isyoma Lawal. She's an executive professional, a wife, a mother and a counselor. She's a graduate of Walmart Behavioral Science and Mental Care College, a civil engineer, enterprise risk manager and an entrepreneur. Quite a full basket. We're excited to have you Isyoma Lawal. You're welcome to the show. And I would say if we went like 50 years back, a man got married to you, wouldn't have a reason for another wife with your CV, meaning that you're more than capable to bring to the table. Why 50 years ago? So there would be no excuse. Okay, that's by the way. So thank you. Thank you for finding time to be here with us. Really a pleasure. Now John, do I take off for a second? Okay, so generally speaking we see that polygamy is practiced in some parts of the world, not only in some parts of the world. A lot of, we've had information about a lot of things that are happening in different parts of the world where polygamy and the other kind of marriage exists. Why is this so? It's all over the world. You cannot say there's a part of this, where this is not happening. Why? Why? Why is it so? So I guess we have to look at the rationale. Why polygamy? Why is it necessary to have more than one wife? Okay, can be maybe, let's say the olden days for instance, or you have a situation where you need a large family to thrive, even economically, you know. You have the more wives you have, the more children you probably would have, and then you'd be able to, you know. More hands on the farm. Exactly, more hands on deck, right. But if your current situation, as we have seen over the years that's evolved, where we are right now, you really don't need more than one wife. Which farm are you telling me to? What are you doing with more than one wife? So really having different parts of the world, practice polygamy, it's based on their context, what is acceptable, how they see life, their way of life. So really, there's really no wrong or right. It's like, it's necessary for you at that time. But if you have multiple streams of income, which is what the farms would have represented in those days, wouldn't you need more wives? To spend the money? Well, you know, one wife for no problem. You don't have to have multiple and compiled problems. What do you say? I don't want to die young. Okay. So really, it is necessary for you in that your context, whatever country you are. Yes. So you do do what works for you. Yeah. Funny enough, I've had some argument and the men say, more wives, more peace for you. Oh yes, because then you take the attention of the wives from you. Your inner decreases and everything that normally will bring this unity and conflict in a married relationship. So you take that from you and then the pressure is on them now to find out who is favorite, who now pleases you better and all that. The sub guys said, yeah, more peace for who. So is the guy saying peace for him? I don't think he's going to have peace with all the wives. Hustling for attention. Even in a normal setting, there's a sibling rivalry among children. Then you now add it to another wife. You know that it will just be, you know, over, you know, another level. Then the wives to everybody's hustling for your attention. Yeah. Okay. Now, the guest before you came in, Daya, my DME, you know, asked, answered some questions pertaining to, you know, why do we have the way we have polygamy set up in this country, the North and the South and all. Now he alluded to the fact that in the North, you know, the system is different to what we have. Isn't it time for, for the state to embrace polygamy as a civil across board in this country? Hmm. I don't think so. I don't because I am. But it's practiced in one part. It's accepted in one part. It's accepted traditionally, culturally, all of that. So why doesn't the state just adopt it? The problems that come with polygamy is a lot. That would be sentimental. No, let's look at normal life. When it's, when it's time for in a normal home, the rivalry in the home, the diabolical anger for those that go that far. Even when the man dies to share the property is another kettle of fish. Okay. Before the man dies in the home, the mental, mental exercise that will be going on there, it can't be healthy. So the state shouldn't, we shouldn't make it normal. Rather, let us stick to one man, one wife. Are you answering in that manner because you are a woman? Maybe I should have asked the man. We can't rule out the fact that I'm a woman. And I will speak from a woman's, you know, frame of reference. Yeah, of course. Yeah. So we can't rule that out. But even not talking about women, let's look at the problems today. But look at me. You know, from the outside, you think it's better fit the man, right? Because he has more choices, other room activities, you know, he has. But really, the trouble that comes with it, is it what's at the end of the day? The, everybody be doing who wants to be the most favored wife, you know, really. And then marriage these days, in this modern day is not only about if we just provide in for the family. You need, they need attention. Mental health is a rave these days. You need to be intentional parents. You need to be intentional. Can you do that with multiple, you know, more than one family or more than one, we're not one of them because they are in the same roof. But can you be intentional with all these children and train them up with, you know, good emotional intelligence? I think, I think not. Well, our previous guests, you know, seemed to be for polygamy. And coming from the point of view of our forefathers, what used to obtain in the past, that they were certainly more comfortable and happy and satisfied with polygamy. So what could have been the reason for this? Yes. So our forefathers, of course, then it was, you had to have a large family to be wealthy, because you're turning to the farms and all those things that is gone those days. So it could have worked for them. But then again, you know, we're not there to know how our foremothers felt about it. Yeah, how they, their point of view, you know, we just have this thing about them just being very docile. Because if you two do another wife will come in. In fact, so we don't know their story. But they were supportive. We cited examples like Helen talked about somebody who would go to them, which I love really. The main wife would go to the market and bring a younger wife or daddy to say, Baba, I brought you some. Well, you know, the thing is, we're talking about human beings here, the wives. We're talking about human beings. How much of the human human consideration is given to the wives in a polygamous setting? I'm asking you this question as a professional. Yes. So let's bring it home to Nigeria. You know, it's a man's world. Women are not sorry to say considered very highly. So women are not given that right. For a man to go and marry many wives is seen as his choice, is okay. But the woman at home suffering mental torture. In fact, even the thought of your husband having something outside is even torture enough that to come and live in the same house with a woman. Do you see her every day? Same right as you have. Yes. Same right. You that may be probably your first wife and you have started with the husband when he was small. You didn't have anything. And then now he's successful. He goes and bring in another woman. So you can just imagine the mental torture that just goes on. So the environment, it doesn't support the women. The women are on the losing side of this. And I feel that why is polygamy so bad? Maybe not if the first wife gives a consent. So maybe in the olden days, the wife will be told or she expects, she knows she's not going to be the only one. So but not in our present day where you have done to have her to hold from this day forward. You're going to be the only one. And then down the line, I hear you have married somebody else or was still at your grave, grave side. All the wives and children start, you know, yes. So maybe in the olden days, it was probably more acceptable because the women were even the ones going to choose the wife or, you know, they were prepared for it right from the beginning. They give the sort of consent. Maybe not consent, but they are aware. They are told. It doesn't just spring up on you. And for me, you have already promised to have her to hold in this modern day marriage. And then you break your vow. That's heartbreaking. That's that's, you know, betrayal. Let's put it that way. Yeah. So the rights of the women, you know, are violated in a polygamous arrangement. That's what you're saying. Yes. At least for the first wife, if that was not your understanding at the beginning of the relationship. And so for like the some religions, you weren't going in knowing that you may not be the only one. So that's not a violation because you know what you signed up for. Because I'm having to readjust in my seats that the rights of women are violated in polygamy. If that's not what you signed up for, that's not what you signed up for from the beginning. What did you sign up for? To one man, to one wife. To one man, to one wife. To one man, to one wife. Just you and I. No. It depends on what you signed up for. You didn't sign up for one man, one wife. You signed up to be married to your spouse. And you will find that in many marriages at the beginning, you never say, oh, what I'm signing up for is just you. So maybe we should go and look at that married vow again. The one that's, you know, the court, the registry and the official. Yes. Because it's the understanding. I mean, the reason why we're having this discussion today is because times have changed. And now women are seeking more equity, more this, more that, and, you know, things are turning around. You see, so this is almost like the last fight before the women finally take over. Then they will start coming to us for our hands in marriage. Because things are changing. So anyway, marriages, you know, more often than not, meant to all will produce children. Because we're looking at who gains in the polygamus setting. You produce children. Who benefits from it? At least we have to have a few good things to say about polygamy and the gains that the children would make. Would you want to point some of that? That's hard to think about that they are gains in that polygamus setting. Because even talk to people that come from that background, they don't want to do it again. It's not all bad. Yes, but as I explained, Sibirabari is already high in some, you know, same mothers and fathers. Now you're bringing another, you know, step-brother, step-sister. Now can the parents share that love equally? We know that even our own personal children, to share the love equally, you know, you just have to hide it a bit. It's not easy. Now talk to us of sharing that love across all the children. There must be that partiality. There must be that. And you don't want to do that. I don't see, I'm trying to, I can't think of a gain of raising children in that kind of setting where everybody's vying for attention. Maybe it's to make the children take life issues. I find it difficult to accept that we are not able to put a finger on this gain or that gain will come out of polygamus. Let me help you. Your first guest said, and I need you to come in here. The first guest said to us of late, we have heard so many terrible stories about violence in marriages, leading up to death, disabilities and all of that, which it's something we never thought of in a long while. And he says, have you heard stories like that from polygamus homes? Okay, so let me take a stab at that. So that's violence, for example. Yes. Okay, so how do we hear about this violence now? It's happening now, right? And because we have social media to share the news. Why aren't there sharing news from a polygamus home? There were one man, one wife's scenario. So the statistics right now, there are more single marriages that have been monogamous marriages than polygamus. So chances are that you will hear it from the monogamous marriage. It was the only days that polygamus was lengthy. And then we didn't have the social media to spread the news as fast. So everything seems as if we're just hearing everything now. There's nothing new under the sun. What's probably happening, you know, before. Not reported. Yeah, I'm not reported because we didn't have the means, you know, not now that everything in the news, your fingertips. But in answer to this question is that there are more monogamous marriages. So chances. That's why you hear more. Yes, chances that it will be. But then again, I can see his point of view may be coming from the fact that, oh, so if one wife is upset into the other one, he has another wife to fall back on. So the attention is less. The attention is less. Yeah, I understand where he's coming from. But still, there are issues in polygamus. The issues are more that they get. So maybe the way to resolve this is to bring a polygamus person to the show, to this show, and a wife would also say, OK, now you are polygamus. Why did you get into that? What have been the gains? How are you enjoying it? So to speak, yes. All right. So from you are a professional and you are a counselor. And we believe that one man, one wife issues arise and people come to people like you to help them resolve. Do you get a lot of clients from polygamus settings? No, unfortunately not. Why not? Why? OK, so I figure that the people in polygamus settings already figure that their marriage has issues already, is broken. I'm not fixing anything because he has other choices. I'm not. But in a polygamus marriage, you're trying to fix the bond with your spouse if it's broken. So you're putting more work, more energy. So you're coming to a counselor. You're actually, you want to work at it. But the polygamus setting, if the man is tired, he steps out. So there's nobody. So is it the first time they also take him to therapy, for instance? So no, we don't really get... And therapy must be for both. Yes, you need to agree. But you come with all of them. You cannot come with all of them. As a group. I haven't seen that. But so you don't find us in polygamus homes. It's people that really want to work at their marriage one on one and come to therapy. As a marriage setting, for someone like you, who is faced with people, husbands and wives, and children challenges on a regular basis, how do you... Where are we? Are we in trouble? Unfortunately, we are. Marriage issues are plenty. And we have this generation, we are called the microwave generation. We want everything now, now. There's no long suffering. If it doesn't suit me, I carry my bag. So we have that generation that don't, we don't have patience. We don't have the long suffering of our appearance. Microwave. Microwave generation. Everything should be now, now. Fast, fast. You know what, Helen? I move on. We will bring in polygamus family and microwave generation. But see for now, we have to close the show. Okay. Okay. Because, I mean, believe it or not, we've spent, we've taken, we've spent a lot of time. Yes. You know. Again, so just before we go, you have anything else that you would like to talk about this topic, who benefits from it, that we probably haven't touched in a minute? Okay. Just to stress that nobody really benefits. It's not what it is. And the emotional stress that comes from it, I don't think it's, it's not what, the benefits you don't gain. In fact, just stop polygamy. That's what I'm trying to say. But then again, we can't stop it. You do what suits you and, but have consent of your wife. All right. So indeed, the adage, different strokes for different, yeah, folks, that's what you're saying. So while some would never fathom even the thought of sharing, they are God-given spouses, you know, with others. A lot of people find bliss. We want to believe for them to stick and even the younger generations, like the situation that we're talking about right now, a very popular friend of ours, has just gone into it. And he's, he's, he's of this generation, not of our forefathers. So we would say that if you, if it works for you, if it works for you. So thank you again, madam. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Yes, indeed. Very deep insight there. And we thank you for your time. That really heated up the atmosphere. Let's slow down, slow down the pace a bit, you know, with the beautiful and well, well-being conscious coach as Dolly, who is already in the gym to take us through today's exercises. And as soon as Dolly is done from the gym, Farah Shonugawa step in with her guests. And can you guess what is on her mind today? Well, the only way to find out is to stay right here with us. Let's join Dolly in the gym.