 Good health to all from Rexall! It's the Phil Harris Alice Fay show presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 independent Rexall family druggists. This is your Rexall family druggist here to say good evening and welcome from all 10,000 of us. The 10,000 independent druggists who have made the word Rexall part of our own store names. You've learned to know us by the orange and blue Rexall sign on our windows. But still another identification is that we carry the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company. Like Bismarck's for example. This soothing antacid is one of Rexall's most famous products for good reasons. Its scientifically balanced ingredients vary in the time required for solubility. So that Bismarck's works in a continuous relay to bring you prompt and prolonged relief from acid indigestion. Year in and year out quality like this is what we family druggists are talking about when we tell you. You can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall! And now your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris Alice Fay show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield. Walter Sharpen is music. Yours truly Bill Foreman and starring Alice Fay and Phil Harris. Yesterday the Rexall company's board of directors had a special meeting to discuss a proposed television show. It concerns Phil and Alice. So let's go back to yesterday's meeting. Mr. Scott is speaking. And so gentlemen, I'm in favor of doing a television show starring Phil Harris. But, J.S., do you think it's advisable to let the public see what Harris looks like? Oh, he doesn't look that bad. Besides, I don't think we'll get any complaints as long as we don't put the show on around dinner time. Oh, Harris might be alright for television. I don't care much for him personally, but he seems to go great with the women. My wife raves about him. She thinks he's a fine actor, very funny comedian and a splendid singer. Your wife? I didn't know you were married. I've been over to your house a number of times. I've never met your wife. I know, sir. We keep her up in the attic. A wise move. Gentlemen, let's at least test Harris for television. Very well. Let's have a few cameras at his radio rehearsal tomorrow and see how he photographs. This morning. Oh, he's getting dressed for our rehearsal. They're televising it today and he wants to look good for the cameras. What's Daddy going to wear? Well, I don't know, but he's a smart showman. He's been watching television for years now and he knows what the public likes. I reckon I'm a hanker to hit the trail, Maude. What are you made up for? What have you got on? Apollon Cassidy outfit, gal. I know what plays in television. Oh, for heaven's sakes, Phil, take that outfit off me. Stop showing your cut, woman. That is your pinto Clyde and let's head for the old video corral. You don't look like Poppy. You make a silly looking cowboy. Smile when you say that little beaver. You don't have to be a cowboy. There are a lot of things you can do to be successful in television. Like what? Well, you can either be a wrestler, give cooking lessons, or become a talking dragon. I could become a marching cigarette, too. Look, I can't miss being a big hit as a cowboy. All I need is a catchy name like Apollon Cassidy. It should be a name that fits my character, though. How about Stagger Around Harris? Well, if it ain't the dude from Horner's Corner. Come on in, Tender Head. Pull up a hot brand and iron and sit down. Earth, are you doing in that cowboy suit? We're auditioning our show for television and he thinks this is the best way to do it. Well, Phillip, if you insist on going into television, don't mimic anybody. Be yourself. I know that sounds dull, but with good writing, you might move me to... Don't worry about me. Alice is the one we have to worry about. Me? Yeah. How do I know you'll photograph? After all, you're not Betty Gravel in my... Hold it! I think Betty Gravel would be better than me in television. Oh, she can't miss. She's got a lot of personality. I've got just as much personality. She's very photogenic. I'm just as photogenic. She's still in pictures. Ah, your father takes four-way cold tablets. You'd rather have Betty Gravel on the show instead of me. Ah, honey, stop with that. I'm only kidding. I don't know. I don't want anybody but you, baby. I'm nuts about you. Ah, kid. You're my everything. You couldn't live without me, could you? Oh, I could live without you. I just have to go to work. That's all. You know something? You're going to be great in television, honey. I can't wait to hear you sing. Neither can I, so I'll do it right now. Look what you've done, what you've done, my baby. Look what you've done, what you've done, my child. Look what you've done, what you've done, my baby. You've done gone and told me a lie. You told a lie, I believed you. Look what you've done to my heart. I believed you. Lie, I believed you. Look what you've done, what you've done, my baby. Look what you've done, what you've done, my child. Look what you've done, what you've done, my baby. You've gone and told me a lie. I thought that you and I would never dream. We have to get down to rehearsal, so go upstairs and take off that outfit, pony boy. You look silly. I do not. I'll make a very dashing cowboy. Oh, I'll get that. That's probably Frankie. Oh, when he sees me in this outfit. Oh, you'll love it. Hi, Curly. I thought... Hot as, Ronjer. You must be the new Marshal down from Red Gulch. Huh? The Redskins scout from the Apache tribe. Yeah, me Redskins. What's with pale face? Got stoutful fire water? I'll be an Albuquerque rug merchant. Just pretending that I'm a cowboy. You see, Frankie, I got a new deal cooking. Well, we'd better get started for the... Oh, hello, Frankie. I said hello, Frankie. Well, don't stand there. Say something. Pontiac fine car. What's going on here? Hey, cowboy. Me, Indian. Me, no-ass questions. Me, go along with gag. I turn it off running water. Gag. Remly, I got news for you. I'm going into television. Just think. Instead of having to watch them old movies, the public's going to get to look at Phil Harris. Oh, those lucky people. Now, do you realize how fortunate you are being the wife of the greatest boon to mankind since rubber pants? Grail to pieces. The eighth wonder of the world. And he's all mine. Wait a minute. What do you mean, eight? According to the last telephone survey, I was third. Just two tenths of a point behind the Grand Canyon. Now, come on, let's get out of that rehearsal. The band's going to be waiting for it. And so, fellas, that's why I got down here to see you early. You see, I want you all to look your best when they test you for television. And that's why... All right, knock it off. Break it up. Will you stop beeping? They're paying scale now. Are there any questions? On television, Artie, you must have seen it in your natural habitat, the bar room. I know you've seen it there. I don't go to bar rooms anymore. Since when? Since the brewery put a pipeline into my apartment. A pipeline into your... I wonder what the installation charges are. Fellas, when you get in front of them cameras, I want you to try and look presentable, will you? Phil, if you want the boys to look presentable, why don't you let me design uniforms for them? Wait a minute. What kind of uniform? Well... Well, I have something very colorful in mind, Frankie. You look very smart in royal blue best jackets, a maroon sash around the waist, and yellow trousers with a brocaded stripe down the side. Well, la-di-da! That sounds cute to me. Hey, Alice, can I have epaulets on mine to show I'm the leader? All this fuss about uniforms and how we're gonna look. I don't see why you're so anxious to go into television anyway, Curly. You won't be able to sing. What are you talking about? I'm still gonna sing. But, Curly, you can't do that on television. As soon as you open your mouth and they see your throat, you'll give the whole thing away. What whole thing? Everybody will see. You got a trained frog down there doing the same thing. Hey, Frankie. I'll make a deal with you. Well, if you keep quiet about my trained frog, I won't say nothing about the monkey who's playing your guitar from the inside. Now tune up that monk while I run over the song I'm gonna do, son. I got the television cameras set up, and I know exactly what we're gonna do. Remle. Nobody asked you. Nobody ever does, but I'm telling you anyway. Please, we don't need your help, so keep your anemic little mind inactive. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please, we don't need your help, so keep your anemic little mind inactive. And your big fat mouth shut. I've decided what kind of a show we're going to do. Bravoissimo, Mr. Scott. We're going to do something novel, something that has never been done before. The adventures of a private eye. Oh, that's indeed novel, sir. Yeah. There hasn't been a new private eye show on the air for an eye on a half an hour. What's different about a private eye? The way we approach it, I bought a script with a very unusual slam. Now, Harris, you've heard of the famous radio detectives Richard Diamond and Sam Spade? Yeah. Well, you're going to be known as Harry Hart. Harry Hart. And I'll be your assistant Cornelius Club. Your secretary, Nora, no Trump. Well, let's get started with the play now. Whose deal is it? I'll thank you people not to get corny. We're corny. Who wrote this thing, a poker dealer at the Flamingo Club? I bought it from a brilliant young writer. He's a genius. He'll be over a little later to help with it. Well, wait a minute now. What character do I play in this thing? Well, you're a red-headed Irish detective. You're tough, you're good-looking, and you're irresistible to women. Uh-huh. Well, I don't know who this writer is, but he's captured the real me. There's only one thing that bothers me. I ain't a redhead. That ain't the only thing you ain't. Let's try it anyway. Remly, you play the part of Mr. Harris's stupid assistant, which proves the writer captured your character too. Miss Faye, you play the part of an alluring seductive young siren. Every man who looks at you goes mad about you. No, you've struck a nerve, Doc. All right, let's try it in front of the cameras now. As the scene opens, Harris, you're on the trail of a murderer, and you're about to enter a bookstore that is owned by Miss Faye. Now remember, play it tough and fearless like Sam Spade. All right, we'll start with the sound of footsteps as Harris and Remly approach the bookstore. Well, here's the bookstore, Chief. Are we going in? Come on, sweetheart. But Chief, it might be a trap. Trap, snap. That's what I mean. I might snap the trap. You don't have to play it that stupid. Too much. All right. A little broad. Now, come on, let's go in. Hey, Chief, get a load of that good-looking tomato behind a counter. Yeah, better let me talk to her. Hiya, sweetheart. Uh, what can I do for you? Fake phone? Get your foot off the gas. You're racing your motor. Sweetheart, I just came in here to tell you that... Oh, you irresistible brute, you. I love you madly. Take me in your arms and kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Playing hard to get, eh? Sweetheart, I just came in to buy a book. A book? Oh, you fool you. Is this what happens when you walk into a store to buy a book? All these years, I've been letting the Book of the Month Club send you. If you keep acting that way. I'm over here and kiss me, you great big blob of man. All right, if you insist, okay. But you better brace yourself, sweetheart. Because I'm rough and I'm tough. And I got a terrific strength on account of my belt. Now put your arms around me. Tighter. Tighter. Is this tight enough, lover? Yeah. Please, Alice, you're bruising me. Sweetheart, I'm going to kiss you. And don't fight me because I'm irresistible. I'm seductive. Yeah, I'm stupid. I'd like this. All right. Now look, sweetheart. I'm on the trail of a murder and I suspect he's hiding out here. Ah, don't be a radic, dick. This is just a bookstore and my husband and I live in the back. We're quite harmless. What was that? My husband's burping the baby. Get at your husband, eh? Well, that's the guy I'm after. All right, come on out. And don't make a false move because I got you covered. I want to talk to you. Watch on him. Shall we continue? Oh, all right. Now look, baby face. I got you covered so you might as well put your gun away. Wait a minute. That gun looks like the murder weapon. I'm going to check. Push me one of them bullets out of that gun. I'll chop the chief, but you won't get away. I'm still here. Dude, I had to open my big mouth. God, baby face. Yeah, we better sit down, Miss Faith. This goes on for two pages. Good issue. You can stop now. This whole thing is childish. For the present Rexall, we'll forget television and stick with our radio show. All right, Harrison, you can get up now. I said you can get up now. Julius, why don't they get up? Because I used real bullets. Julius, you did... Did you, my boy? Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. But first here's your Rexall family drug. When Old Man Winter is just around the corner, I get to wishing I was a vitamin in Rexall's laboratory. For heaven's sake, why? Well, ma'am, picture a nice big air-conditioned room where the temperature is kept around 70 degrees all year through. Not too hot, not too cold. Say, that does sound good. Just such a room in Rexall's laboratory is where the valuable and delicate ingredients that go into Rexall's planamons are stored. Planamons? That's Rexall's famous multiple vitamin capsules. To be sure they have the correct potency, Rexall's scientists let them enjoy this air-conditioned comfort until they're ready to be packaged. Then they're sealed and sent to our stores. That's one reason why Rexall can guarantee you that two of these planamon capsules daily supply more than the daily minimum requirements of every vitamin for which such requirements have been established. And it's one more reason why 10,000 family druggers tell you you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. Hey, it's too bad we're not going to go into that television, Mr. Scott. I bet I looked terrific in those cameras, didn't I? No. No, the only one who looked good was you, Miss Faye. You looked beautiful. Rexall will be proud to have your lovely face associated with our wonderful products. When your gorgeous blonde hair and those beautiful blue eyes are seen on the screen, I know that you're up to sponsor. He's in the midst of the best commercial he's ever done. You won't have any trouble selling me to the public either. My looks ain't only attractive, but they're commercial, too. Remember, you can depend on any head that bears the face of Phil Harris. This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips. By Rexall's MI-31, if you want a famous mouthwash at less cost, here's why. Many other antiseptics come in 12 or 14-ounce bottles. But Rexall gives you 16 ounces of MI-31, a full pint at the same price as other leading brands of smaller quantity. It's one more example of Rexall's creed. Always a little better, always a little more. Ask for Rexall MI-31 at the store with the orange and blue Rexall sign on the window. And remember, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Your tune for the stars on NBC.