 Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Lash, with Alan Reedus Beswale. He left Italy to start his new life in America. He promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventure. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Basko in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia, in a few more days is it going to be the new year. The reason I'm on this is because this week six banks are sending me free calendars. They all would like I should have bring them with some money. Mama Mia, I'm a thinker. It would have been much better if I was to send them free calendars and they was to bring me money. But you should have seen these six calendars. Three of them has got a picture of a dog. One has got a picture of a bank. Now they've got a picture of the Grand Canyon. And the last one has got a picture of a beautiful girl. Mama Mia, she's wearing a lesser clothes than Uncle Pietro's got. Anyway, I'm going to need all these calendars, so I'm going to throw away five of them. Now I've got something on my wall. I'm all the ways I want it. Picture of the Grand Canyon. Some day, Mama Mia, maybe you come to America and you're going to see how the people here, they celebrate the new years. Dancing and singing and hollering and whistling. Then at 12 o'clock in the night, the lights go out. The fellas is a kiss of the girls, the girls is a kiss of the fellas. Everybody is a kiss. This is a democracy. Last the new years, even when the lights go out, I was standing next to Pasquale's fat daughter, Russia. Mama Mia, Mama taught that the whole of democracy was a fall on me. But I'm sure I'm going to have a good time with this in the new years. But one thing would make it perfect. In America is the custom on a new years eve. Everybody is a call-up, is a mama, and I wish you a happy new year. Oh, I wish I had enough money to call you up and hear your voice again. Well, there's no use of the dream, but besides, I'm going to go to my next school of class, so I'm going to finish this letter late. All right, class, quiet, quiet, good. Now I'll call the roll. Mr. Basko? Here. Mr. Howard? Here. Mr. Olson? Here. Mr. Schultz? Why not? You are so quick on the trigger, my name should be Roy Rogers. Mr. Schultz, please. Now, class, our lesson today is geography, and we will review the important rivers of the United States. Mr. Horowitz, you may name the eight great rivers. With pleasure. The Mississippi, the Potomac, the Delaware, the Ohio, the... I'll give you a hint. There's one river associated with the name of an automobile. You mean there's a Fliver River? No, no, no. It's the Hudson. Oh, I've stepped down into that one plenty of times. All right, Mr. Schultz. Now let's see if you can name another river. The Missouri. Well, good for you. That's excellent. Wonderful. No, don't tell me. Just put it down on the report card. Five rivers now. Can you name the other three, Mr. Schultz? Well, there's the... Schwani? The Schwani is not an important river, Mr. Schultz. How Schultz should hear you say that? Please, Mr. Schultz. Now, who can name the other three rivers, Mr. Basko? Uh-huh. Ms. Baldwin, if you wish, I could give you the whole correct answer. Oh, please do, Mr. Olsen. Yeah-ho. Ms. Baldwin, shall I name the eight rivers alphabetically or according to size? Just call out their names, Olsen, and they'll answer present. Oh, keep quiet, Schultz, and learn something. The others are the Hudson, the Delaware, the Potomac, the Mississippi, the Ohio, the Missouri, the Columbia, and the Colorado. Good for you. Yeah-ho. I might also add, other great rivers include the Susquehanna River, the St. Lawrence, the James, the Cumberland River, uh... Thank goodness he's passing through a dry state now. You are just jealous of my knowledge of geography. Instead of acting like a jackass, why don't you be something like me? I'm studying and reading and learning, but I bet you I have a hundred books in my head. Look at him, what a horrible-looking bookcase. Mr. Schultz, that will be enough. You could spend more time studying, and that goes for you too, Mr. Horowitz, and you, Mr. Baskow. Mississippi, the Ohio, the Missouri. Mr. Baskow, you've had the answer. What are you thinking about, anyway? Oh, excuse me, Ms. Baldwin, but as soon as you're going to be New Year's Eve, I'm going to have enough money to call my mama on the telephone. Oh, poor Luigi. He is homesick. Stop, oh, it's Luigi. He's here with us. How can he be homesick? Hey, Luigi, I'm just trying to cheer you up. Luigi, Luigi, how much would it cost to make a telephone call from Chicago to Italy? Well, uh, how much is it cost to make a phone call? Yeah, how much? I was just a long-distance operator. You told me it's the cost where the government attacks. $15 a first three minutes, $5 each next a minute. Ah, if you give a hiccup by mistake, you'll last $3. Yes, it is quite expensive. If you should speak to your mother for only 10 minutes, it would cost about $50. Yeah, there's a lot of money for a phone call. True, true. But when you want to talk to your mother, $1,000 ain't too much. Hey, Luigi, I got an idea for you. Why don't you lend the $50 from your friend Pasquale? Mr. Horowitz, it is not lend. It is borrow $50 from Pasquale. What's the difference? Either way, he ain't gonna get it. Luigi, I got a better idea. Go into Pasquale's store when he's not there, and make the call on his tiny phone. No, no, thanks for sure, sir. But now I know what I'm gonna do. It's hard to get money from a Pasquale, but maybe he's gonna let me use his telephone, and when the bill is to come, I'm gonna pay him out little by little. That's a good idea, Luigi. Luigi, are you a smart cop? Smile! And what if you don't pay him back so quick? What can Pasquale do to you? Can he zoo you in court? Can he take away your store? Can he make you marry his daughter, Rosa? What's the Kennedy? About the zooing in the house, I don't know. But about Rosa, on that, I didn't give you my guarantee. Hello, Pasquale. Ah, Pasquale, I want to ask you a bigger favor about the New Year's Eve. Sure, little banana nose. You know anything, I'm a guy that's yours, in my house, in my food, in my clothes, my daughter Rosa. Hello, Pasquale, thank you very much for your house and your food and your clothes. What about my daughter Rosa? You're welcome. Hello, Pasquale, please forget about the house. I will, after you marry her. Pasquale, I'm coming here to ask you a bigger favor first, so let us not to fight. All right, all right, so what's your bigger favor, money? Well, it's a phone call I'm going to like to make tomorrow night with your telephone. All right, who are you going to call? Italy. Are you crazy? People don't call up for countries, they call up for people. What are you going to do? Call up Italy and say, hello Italy, what do you hear from the Alps? That's crazy. No Pasquale, you don't give me a chance to explain. I would like to call my mama on a new year's eve. And on my telephone, it's cost about a thousand dollars. No Pasquale, only about a fifty dollars. And I'm going to promise you I'm going to pay you back. Eh, Luigi, maybe we'll make a little deal. Huh? You know, on the outside, I'm looking like I'm a hard man, but deeper down, you know, I'm a filled with the milk, are you with a kindness? And for you, there's always a couple of bigger squads. Oh, thank you Pasquale. You're the biggest squirt I know. That's the funny thing, when I'm saying it, it's a come out of difference. Yeah, but Pasquale, what is it this deal you was talking about? Well, Luigi, it's a strictly business. I'm willing to lend you the fifty dollars for my own personal loan, a company. The Pasquale Finance Corporation. Oh, thank you Pasquale. And as long as it's going to be business, you've got to have a cosigner. Somebody who's married. Well, all right, I'm going to get a shoes. Eh, no, it must be a female to marry the cosigner. Well, all right, then. Mrs. a shoes. Also, she's got to be married to my son-in-law, and his name has got to be Luigi. Pasquale, you mean it to get her some money? I'm going to marry Rosa. Hello, my son. Goodbye, papa. No, Pasquale, you give me a good idea. I'm going to go to the real finance company and get to this loan to my son. Who's going to give you a loan, you broken darling? Eh, wait. Luigi, I'm going to have to know how to feel it. As a matter of fact, I'm going to have to beg a polo with the business man's loan to the company on the 4th of the year. You get down there right away now. You mention my name as your cosigner. You get the money in a minute. Oh, thank you, Pasquale. I'm glad you don't matter to me. I'm going down there right now. Sure, go, go, go, go. Sure, I'm going to help him get that money. And just to give him enough rope so he's electrocuted himself. Hello, a business man loaned to the company? Oh, Mr. Fantani, hello. That's a Pasquale. I'm just going to send a friend down to see you with the name of the Luigi Bosco. He's a very nice little pumpkin head. I'm going to sign. I'm going to cosign his loan for him because he's got a very fine character. Oh, yes, he's just got a new job. He's working in a pool room. Also, in his spare time, he's laying a cheeky for a float in the crab game. Oh, this boy's a full of talent, he adds. What, he wants to use the loan and money for? Well, you see, right now he's a little short, but I guarantee if he's a horse who wins the race, you're going to get all your money back with interest. You're going to give the loan? Hello? They hung up on me. I wonder why. Luigi Bosco's adventures in Chicago return to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And so, Mamma Mia, I'm a wetter-to-that-to-loan-a-company. Signed out the site as I said, business man's a loan-a-company. Who will lend you a hundred dollars on a signature? I figured out I'm right only my first and I'm going to take a fifty. But then a man in the site is asking me a lot of questions. What's your money? I'm going to get in the bank. Stocks, bonds, and insurance. Then he's going to add up all of these things and he's going to find out I'm a wetter-nutting. This I could have told him when I'm a walked-in. But then he says, who's the Eucharist signer? And I'm going to tell him a Pasquale. Next thing I know, I'm on the street, the car is going home. Well, Mamma Mia, in a few more hours is going to be New Year's Eve and a lot of Americans are going to be telephoning their mammas to say hello. But not to me because I'm still not able to get money for the phone call. Luigi, my fellow boob. Hello, hello, Schultz. Well, how did you make it out of the Pasquale? Schultz, I'm going to understand what's happening because I'm going to want to marry Rossi. He's going to want to give me the money so he's sending me to the finance company. But they don't want to lend me the money to anybody who's a Chinese who's in a pulerum and is a cosigner is a horse. Oh, Luigi, are you for Schimarch? Schultz, what am I going to do? I'm afraid I'm terrible. What can you do? Smile, Luigi. So if it ain't this year, maybe you'll call her next year. Anyway, I ain't going to let you be so depressed. Tonight, me and my happy little family, we are having a New Year's Eve party and you are going to China. Well, thanks, Schultz, but I'm not... Stop! You're going to love it! But there'll be me, my wife, my three children, cousin Hugo, Uncle Tam, my brother Wolfgang, his wife, their two children, Uncle Karl, Aunt Frieda, the four little nephews, my grandfather Max, his girlfriend, and the rest of the family. But Schultz, you only got two rooms. How are you going to make a room for so much of people? It's New Year's Eve, so we raise the roof! Oh, smile, Luigi. But what do you say? Are you coming to my party? Schultz isn't nice, you shouldn't have lied to me, but... No, but, ah, Luigi, we got it such fun every New Year's Eve. There will be food, and drink, and balloons, and crazy hats, and horns, and the radio, all of us playing, and the kids hollering. Yeah, but Schultz, what about the neighbors? Let them make their own party! Oh, Luigi, we got a such fun, a 12 o'clock sharp, Grandpa Max goes around and kisses everybody in the room. Oh, and when he does that, I laugh hysterically. Why, Schultz, his beard tickles my chin. Ah, Luigi, I see it's no use, that phone call is on your mind. But remember, any time tonight, the fun is waiting for you. Well, thank you, Schultz. Good, good. Now, give me a smile before I leave. Better, now be like me, Luigi, happy, always laughing. My rheumatism is killing me. Well, soon everybody's going to be calling their mamas in anatomy. If the telephone company was only to know how much I'm amiss at this, they would surely lend me one long-distance to call. They would lend me one long-distance to call. Sure, why not? Remember me, it's only four o'clock, the companies are not that close yet. I'm going down town right now and talking with the president of the telephone company. Oh, look at the streets. How many people are starting to celebrate? Oh, there's the telephone company. Oh, this is so big. One, two, three, four, five, seven, twelve, fifteen, sixteen windows in the ground of Florida. Well, as you know, I used to stand on the side, I'm going. Pardon me, lady. Yes? You're working for this telephone company? That's right, I'm a chief operator. I'm Luigi Vasco, state 4271. Are you recognizing my voice? Hardly. I've got to report for duty upstairs. Who do you wish to see? Well, I wasn't thinking I would like it to see the president, a fellow who's on the telephone, Mr. Bell. Mr. Bell? Oh, you can't be serious. He died years ago. Oh, poor fellow. Better maybe I can see Mrs. Bell. She's dead, too. Mr. and the Mrs. Bell, they had some sons? Well, I would imagine so. Well, good. Then please, maybe I speak to one of the Bell boys. Maybe I could help you if you told me what you came here about. Well, he's about a telephone caller. He's a telephone caller. I'm going to borrow because it's as soon as New Year's Eve. And I ain't got to the cashier to pay for long a distance to call it to my mom and me in Italy. Oh, well, are you a customer? Oh, sure. Whenever I'm going to make a call, I'm a user only to telephone. I think the man you want to see is Mr. Hawkins. His office is right down the hall. Oh, thank you. And, you know, you're very pretty girly. Thank you. What did you say was your problem? That's all right. I'm going to see the man. Mr. Hawkins, Hope is a nice man. What is it hard to not to ask? I hear it. Robert E. Hawkins, General Manager. Hmm. A man who manages a general must be pretty important. Well, I'm going. Who are you? Luigi Basko, State 4271. Remember? Every month you send me a bill. Have a seat, Mr. Basko. I'll join you in a minute. What? I said have a seat. I'll join you in a minute. You think that this chair is going to hold the both of us? Now, Mr. Basko, you came here for a reason. What is it? Oh, it's a very important to Mr. Hawkins. It's a very big favor I'm going to ask you. Yes? Oh, thank you. I didn't think you would say yes so quickly. Mr. Basko, what did you come here for? Well, a few hours is going to be New Year's Eve. And everybody they're going to call up with their mom is it to wish them a happy new year. Yes, that's very true. As a matter of fact, I'm going to do that very thing myself. Well, I'm going to telephone Mr. Hawkins and I'm going to like to call him my mom in Italy. But is it going to cost you fifty dollars? I get it. Oh, no, you're not going to get it because I'm an organic. You see, fifty dollars is more than I'm going to afford to pay you in a month. Well, what did you expect me to do about it? Lending me the telephone a call. What? Sure. Just a dollar put on the bill. Instead I'm going to pay you out to four and a half dollars a month for a year. Or maybe if you like every week I'm going to bring a dollar to your house. Mr. Vasco, please. I'm going to say no. I'm going to give you three dollars a deposit to write the now. I can. Then I'll talk to my mom for ten minutes. I'm going to talk for eight minutes. No. Wait. I'm going to ask her about Don Capieto and his agote. So it's going to take only five minutes. Mr. Vasco. How much does it cost if I'm just to say hello in a good way? I'm very sorry, Mr. Vasco, really. I'd like to help you out, but I'm part of a big business concern and things aren't done that way. I'm going to spend it, Mr. Hawkinson. No hard feelings, I trust. You trust? Oh, good. I'm going to pay you back every week. Mr. Vasco, I'm afraid you misunderstood. I can't help you. Huh? Oh. Well, goodbye, Mr. Hawkinson. And I just the same as always. I'm still going to do all of my telephone of business away to your company. Goodbye. Mama, I'm going to try everything but looks like there's no use. I'm not going to be able to make it a call. Well, and now I'm going to go out of town and go home. Oh, look at those crowds. Still not the 12 o'clock in the middle of the night. Everybody's in the streets. Thank you and a Happy New Year to you too. What did you say? Nothing. What's the matter? You're a wise guy? No. You want to start a fight? No, I'm going to go home. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Well, I'm going to my store and maybe going to sleep. Hey, buddy. No thanks. I'm going to have a sleeper with a hat. You're in a worse condition than I am. Excuse me. How am I going inside of my store? Hello? What's your hurry? What's your hurry? Oh, it's so bad. Poor man. Is there something wrong? No. It's just that every New Year's Eve, I get to think of my good mother. Oh, my mother. She was just like a father. Years I've been going to a psychoanalyst. And that's no good. Why? She's just like a brother. It's too bad. Happy New Year. And I'm going to hope everything is straight and out for you. Straight and out? Ain't I stiff enough? Well, I'm a poor man. I'm a better dragon than a Holloway. I get a money for the telephone call, rolling the drunks. No, Pascuali. I'm going to give up all ideas about the phone call. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going into my store and I'm going to sleep. Sleep? What are you talking? A few minutes is going to be midnight. Let's celebrate. No, Pascuali. I'm going to feel like to celebrate. Oh, stop. But don't say such a thing. Let's, me and you and Rosa, we go walking on a Michigan Boulevard. We watch Rosa push in the crowd a little, eh? Don't answer. I'll call her in now. Rose, what are you going to do? Pascuali, please. The closer the door, huh? All right. Listen, Luigi, just because it's American and custom on a New Year's Eve for a son and to call us a mama. That's the meaning. You've got to do it. The whole thing is a trick to put out by the telephone company. I forget about it. Hey, it's a telephone. Luigi, answer your telephone. Hazel, maybe Schultz once I should have come to his party. I'm going to feel like it. Oh, Schultz. Well, forget about it. He's giving up. Let's start again. Luigi, answer, please, on the telephone. All right. Hello? Hey, Hazel, Luigi Bascuali, 21 and all the whole street. What? Who's calling to me? Italy! We're talking to each other. Mamma mia, how you feeling? That's good, good. And how's that to Margarita and Uncle Pietro? And there's a goat. Oh, the goat is still not married. He's beautiful to hear your voice. He's so nice to remember. Wait. And who's the pay for this telephone call? Bascuali is a surprise to me. No? Then wait. That a man from a telephone company, he's a fix up. Mamma mia, how's it possible? Who's a paid? What? Out of town some people are from a Castellamari. Forgot. In a Castellamari, is it a custom on a new year's eve, the mamma should call her the son.