 This is Think Tech Hawaii, Community Matters here. This is Think Tech Hawaii, I am Cynthia Lee Sinclair, and this show is Finding Respect in the Chaos. Today, I'm here with Catherine Icao, and she has an important story. She lost her son to domestic violence. Domestic violence often strikes the children. We call them collateral damage, and that's the name of the show today, collateral damage. Because so often we forget that the children become victims from just being exposed to watching that kind of behavior in their relationships at home so that they end up growing up to perpetuate the problem to the extreme version of having a child loses life. Today I'm here with Catherine. Catherine, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Can I call you Cat? Yes. Okay. I want to say, first off, that you're so brave for coming out and sharing your story, and I really admire your courage for being able to come out in hopes that you can maybe help somebody that's in the situation you were in so that the outcome is a little different. Why don't you give us a little background of your story and of Reef? Okay. Cynthia, well, thank you for having me. On June 13th of 2017, Reef was three months shy of his eighth birthday, and he was stabbed to death by his father who then was addicted to ice, and then the father stabbed himself and hung himself. And unfortunately, Reef should have been in Greece with me, but before I talk about his death, I want to talk about his life because he really was an incredible kid. So just to share a little bit about Reef, he was actually a CEO of his own company. That's me. ReefKids 808. Wow. Since he was three, and he sold fish hats, and they sell out at Sea Life Park. I just dropped off an order on Friday, so they're still ordering them. I think we have a picture of the fish hats. Don't we have a picture of those? Exactly. They're so cute. And that's Reef in the middle. In the middle, yeah. And he sponsored various events. That was a preschool outing. He sponsored the Haliva Menehune contest, surf contest, and he sold the hats at Bishop Museum. Wow. There was a shark hat, a pink hat, and then the one that you saw, and so he was a little entrepreneur. At seven years old. That's remarkable. And he started at three. Wow. Wow. And he was actually, he's the great nephew of Clyde I. Cow and Eddie I. Cow. And my husband was a surfer, a surfer instructor, a certified lifeguard, and then I was actually number one in the nation in swimming. Oh my goodness. So he was a swimmer then, right? So he came out surfing as soon as he could walk. Wow. Yeah. So, and then I was a ski instructor, so he could basically ski in the entire time. He learned to ski when he was two. And then by four, five, six, seven, he was snowboarding. Oh my goodness. I think we can go, we, I think we have some pictures of him swimming, don't we? And he was on both splash aquatics and Manoa aquatics because he did surf at such a young age that he. Is swimming. Oh, you can't see that one too good. I think we have one of him on the blocks that I love that one. Yeah. He was just ready to take off. That's Manoa aquatics. And like I said, because he could surf at such a young age and he started competing and surfing, then we had to, there's a picture at the Puffer Fish surf contest in Makaha. Wow. And the waves actually overhead. But because he was surfing at such a young age, we had to get him into swimming. So by the time he was six, seven, he was swimming two and a half hours every day, five days a week. Two hours a day? Two and a half hours a day with the big kids. Wow. With the big kids competitive swimming. Oh my goodness. I'm a swimmer, so I know what that's like. I swim an hour. And he was just the little guy. Can imagine being, having a little guy swim that far. Yeah. So, and he would get mad if I would bring him even a minute late to practice. He was so dedicated. Wow. So, and he also received a full scholarship to the Honolulu Museum of Art School. Wow. And he had a full portfolio. He was an artist and a musician. He played guitar and so. It's like, is there anything he didn't do or couldn't do? No, he's skateboarded, snowboarded. I think we have a picture of all those trophies, yeah. There's his swimming ribbons and his surf trophies and that one, that picture of him in the middle right there, I think he's probably four, three or four. For any one, oh there is a little snowboarder, look at how cute, how old was he there? Probably three, three or four. Oh, he's so adorable. Yeah, so anything, any kind of board, he tried to ride it. Right there. So you can see skateboard, snowboard and surfing. Wow. But he was already competing and surfing and swimming. By the time he was five, I think. So he was just an incredible kid and he loved school. He went to Noelani School and he loved math and science and he loved computers, you know all the kids nowadays. Yeah, right. So he's just, he's an amazing, well-mannered. He could talk to anybody. That's when he went to the Honolulu Museum of Art School. Right. This is his first day of school actually and he would literally do art from eight to three, eight a.m. to three, the whole summer, so. What a great life. Yeah. And that's the kind of summer school every kid wants, right? Yeah. And he loved Noelani and that was just the best school and yeah, he loved his teachers. So he had a bright, bright future and unfortunately it was cut short. Yeah. Can you tell us a little bit about what happened and what maybe some of the events that led up to it? Well, I had been married to my husband since 2009 and this happened October, the event happened October 23rd, 2016, so we'd been together, you know, eight years. And my husband had always had kind of an anger issue, anger management issue and he was physically violent to me but in 2014 he had altercation and he just, I mean it changed him and he quit, he wasn't violent anymore and because I was about ready to get a divorce every time something happened I would say I'm going to get a divorce and it just stopped. So from 2014 until 2016 he seemed like he was getting better and none of his anger, the hard part for me was none of his anger was ever directed at his children and besides Reef he had another stepson and a daughter and I mean I had a stepson, it was his son. But so the hard part for me was I wanted to leave him but he had such a close relationship with Reef and his other children that that was such a redeeming quality and it was hard, I didn't want to take Reef away from his father. So then I think a lot of women are in that situation so the abuse continues and then like I said the abuse for me quit or stopped. So but then in 2017, I mean 2016 he got a job, my husband got a job at Island Club in Spa and there was a gentleman that my husband told me was dealing ice and my husband became addicted to ice. It doesn't take long you know and it's such a destructive drug that just changes people so radically. And I had no, I didn't even know that he was addicted to ice I mean he was becoming more and more erratic his behavior and again but he didn't direct any of that to my son and he and he emotionally it was starting to be he was starting to become abusive again. Right. And then on October 23rd, he literally destroyed our whole house and oh my gosh I don't know if this picture can if it can show on the camera if it shows up. So this was actually Reef's room. Oh my gosh that's your son's room. So he did that too. I don't know if you can see but um this is all the hats and stuff from his oh the inventory of his hats and then Reef and his board here all of his competitive surfboards and my husband broke all of his surfboards maybe like eight to ten surfboards and then um the whole house was destroyed our my husband took a baseball bat to the to the large screen TV took a knife and and cut up our sectional sofa and literally the every oh we had a stairwell that was lined with pictures all the glass was just broken everywhere oh my gosh. And so that and then um the general had had grabbed me and I had bruises etc. And so um Reef Reef was not in the room at that time but um when the police came the police actually told me not to file or press charges and not to file a restraining order. Did they give you a reason did they even they they did they said that it would be if um like if my husband violated the restraining order then each violation would we would have to go to court and etc etc and um and for for they didn't really give a reason they just said it would you know it would be try to work it out or oh my goodness was this the first time the police had come or had the police been there before they had been there before my husband was very loud and and like I said he did have an anger issue and he didn't yell a lot so the neighbors would call the police and right from the multiple houses that we had lived in um so this wasn't the first time but this was the first time that I wanted to press charges and they dissuaded me and then um my friend actually came over to get Reef you know to take him away from this situation and she was a advocate for the military for domestic violence oh okay so she when she got to the house she said cat absolutely press charges and absolutely and get a restraining order right away right so that's what I did good for you wow so unfortunately uh if if the one thing that I've learned out of this um is right away if anybody is in that situation you can call right and domestic violence action center and they have resources to help you and it's so important to call them and not be on your own there's no reason to be on your own through this right and if it is a domestic violent situation there's actually an advocate that will come out with the police that's what I just heard I I had interviewed a gal um in the first episode for this show and that's what she was saying is that they now have an advocate that goes out to the site at the time of the um the situation the abuse and when it's happening so there's going to be somebody right there and they will stay with you the whole way through even all the way straight through to a lawyer well unfortunately that wasn't my experience of the lawyer right yeah no and that's what I would like to tell um I think it is so important in the situation if you have if you're in a domestic violence situation and then there's um substance abuse involved and violence involved then right away you need to again call domestic violence action center and they will provide an attorney right and they have a scale so if you don't have a lot of money or depending on your your wages etc they will they will subsidize you know oh wow so that you can for sure get that lawyer yes right and that's huge because when I went to get the TRO I didn't include Reef on the TRO and what I'm pushing for um with the courts and with anybody that will listen to me the senators etc is that I believe if there's children involved if there's domestic violence involved and if there's substance abuse involved then right away there should be a TRO and the child should be on the TRO and there should be no visitation I I totally agree and I think that we need to talk about that a little bit more but right now we're just about ready to go to a break and again I want to thank you Kat for having the courage to come out here and tell your story because it's an important story that people need to hear so we are going to talk more about the different ways that we can maybe change some laws to help victims stay safe so I hope you'll come back this is Think Tech Hawaii and we'll be right back. 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Welcome back to Think Tech Hawaii this is Finding Respect in the Chaos and the title for today's show is Collateral Damage I'm here talking with Kat Iqau who has a really important story that everyone needs to hear and right now before the break we had started talking about the different things that are in place that actually hurt victims shame being the biggest one it's like society wants to shame victims into silence it's like we're embarrassed to to say something like when there's domestic violence happening in the home it's like well if you don't bring shame to the family or whatever and and so it kind of keeps quiet and I think that's why we need to all tell our stories as much as we can exactly I feel the complete opposite I feel that that for the victim or survivor of domestic violence there is no shame there is no stigma or should be yeah they should be able to speak out freely I agree to anyone that will listen and that's what I do because of this the situation that happened I want to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone again and there is no shame there's you know the only shame is for the perpetrators of domestic violence right exactly those are the ones that need to feel the shame and for some reason it gets turned around and if you're going up against somebody that has money for me when I went through this whole thing not to the extent of losing a child but my ex-husband fractured my skull put me in the hospital a couple of times and the shame was ever for him um he was such a nice guy out in public everybody thought he was such a great person that at first nobody even would believe that it happened so and he would say that nobody's going to believe you everybody's going to think it's your fault and so I just kind of was programmed to fall in line with that and so when I finally got a a TRO which is the temporary straining order the police told me the same thing I had the TRO he violated the TRO I called him he came over put his gun to my head and they caught him with the gun and everything and they told me I shouldn't press charges and I was like no way I've got to by that point I was finally at a place where I was strong enough to press the charges and that was when I finally stood up and said no more and that's the reason that we have to speak up as women as mothers right because we have to be the voice for all the people who are hearing what you heard because I don't believe at all that I'm not going to be heard now I'm going to be heard good for you absolutely I'm I'm honored that I get a chance to give you this platform here today to share your story because like it's such an important story so for for me what happened was originally with the police they said don't press charges don't file the TRO so I did press charges and I did file the TRO but I did not put reef on and there was violent substance abuse or violence from the substance abuse right in the situation so absolutely again if I would have called DVAC gotten an attorney and the attorney would have gone to the TRO hearing with me and if somebody had like hopefully what I'm doing told me get that get your child on the TRO and no visitation that's a big thing because they don't automatically put children on a TRO and I think that it should be automatic automatic I think it should be absolutely automatic if you've got evidence that this that you know the man has crossed the line with violence and like he destroyed your house all of that stuff and if you can find any proof that he's on drugs I think it should be automatic no visitation like you say no visitation and the problem with with when I went through the system the criminal case against my husband for the for the injuries and the destruction kept getting postponed and there was there was even a witness with a video but because they kept postponing it she quit coming and they were even calling Reef into the courtroom and to just to to say that he didn't see anything if he'd seen something it would have been a felony so I'm not sure why they were even trying to bring him in but he didn't see anything so it was traumatizing and I asked the judge does Reef really need to be here just to say he didn't see anything yeah and and but but besides that I had um filed uh I wanted to take Reef to where you were telling me about that tell me something so because of the destruction the destruction to the house it was very traumatic for Reef and I so I bought a boat because I grew up on a boat and I thought it would be therapeutic and fun and help him heal right now I haven't sailed the boat and I wasn't the captain I mean I've sailed I grew up sailing but I haven't sailed the boat as a captain so I had signed Reef and for um in Greece to learn uh boat safety and and sailing skills so you have a really great job obviously yes something like that like you that's wonderful and so you have a very steady job you had the financial means to take care of him and I had just bought the boat I bought the car to to carry all the stuff for the boat I'm not a flight risk but my husband wouldn't sign for the passport so twice I filed for the to get the passport so I could take Reef and try to heal right and and the court wouldn't the court kept postponing wouldn't give me the passport even though I wasn't a flight risk and and just every every the and then I filed for um sole custody and everything kept getting postponed postponed postponed so there was no urgency and my husband even even um even uh reported me to CPS and I've never even had more than a speeding ticket 10 years ago for going 71 on the freeway I mean I have no history my my husband had a long rap sheet including prior TROs from two or three women and the court held him up held his case like that that's horrible every kind the civil case the criminal case that he violated the TRO twice but basically he violated it basically every day but the two that I reported were serious enough that right I mean they were all serious but those were he was claiming um you know abuse of Reef and so and all of those there's no urgency in processing these right or protecting the child right and they just kept getting postponed or or it was often you know postponed postponed and if Reef should have been in Greece with me so this so three days before I was supposed to come back from Greece my husband again stabbed my son to death and he never should have had access to him they shouldn't have been around is right and that needs to change we've got to make changes to our legal system and you know when we were when I first met you was at that the women's legislative caucus a few weeks ago and legislators are trying to listen and they've they've got to listen because they've got to make the kind of changes that need to happen for kids to stay safer I honestly feel at this point right now that there's no focus throughout this system when it comes to domestic violence and there's no focus at the number one focus should be protecting the children they shouldn't be exposed to any of this and if it's men if it's women you should not be angry at your spouse or hitting them and especially if you have children because that negative energy it just seeps right into their everyday life it does and so if you if you don't think that domestic violence is hurting your children it is it doesn't matter if it's not directed at them just being around that whole situation and then don't underestimate if somebody is is addicted to ice or addicted to crack don't underestimate how violent it can become and how quick in a minute in a second they just flip and change and you think you know them and then there's somebody and there's resources there are resources get again get to the domestic action violence center and get an attorney because the thing for me the attorney what this process was so slow and drawn out and I didn't know how to navigate it and that's what the get an attorney right away again they will help subsidize if you can't if you think you can't afford it you can and you need from the time you need to file the you know file the TRO etc you need to have that attorney because it it's just so much more effective right and the people will be there who who know what to do that's exactly right and you have something coming up I believe um called the reef run right when you tell us about the reef run we do okay so I'm excited too much time left but I want to make sure everybody hears about the reef run okay so quickly we are doing in memory of my son reef I cal the reef I cal fund run on April 15th and probably at the capital but we have a um we have a website set up right now and it's reef run R E E F R U N dot org and it's very important that you put in the dot org so reef run dot org or you can put in the full name the reef I cal fund run dot org but we're going to raise money for for funds for families in domestic violence who need emergency housing um medical costs utilities paid bus passes and legal funds so we're hoping to raise a lot of funds for that and there is currently a go fund me account so if you go to go fund me and look up reef I cal R E E F and A I K A U and you can donate there and then we will have the registration forms up on the reef run dot org website uh by the end of January awesome I'm so proud of you it's going to be a run and then a finish line celebration so it's going to be a lot of fun I'm so touched that you're going to make something good come from this yes that's the only way we can turn this kind of stuff around we have to protect the children we do others we need to protect our children I love your heart and can you tell everybody what that is these because I think everyone should know what's really special this is the locket that I wear and it's reef's ashes so he wanted to travel the world and so I take him wherever I you know wherever I go he goes with me that's really beautiful who well I'm sure everyone today needed to get out their clinics I know I did what a what a powerful story that is thank you for letting me share it I thank you for coming I feel really honored and this has been think tech Hawaii finding respect in the chaos don't forget the collateral damage don't forget the children we need to change the laws so that we can protect children better than we do now thank you for tuning in and I hope you'll come back week after next to see finding respect in the chaos