 A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You never guessed, but Avalons cost you less. Oh, why do you always... Good evening. This is Del King saying, welcome to Avalon Time with greetings from Red Foley and the entire company. But first tonight, we want you to meet a man who is so punctual in his habits that he carries a wife with him in his arms. That he carries a watch in his hip pocket. He wants to be ahead of time, Red Skelton. Thanks, Lon. Good evening, everybody. Oh, by the way, that introduction was made by Del King, who is the winner of the NBC announcers. That is a mustache derby they had last week. No kidding, old mustache Del, we call him now. He won first prize. He has a mustache that's so big, every time he sneezes, it cracks like a whip. Oh, see, all the announcers in NBC, though, they have mustache. That sort of helps them brush up on their English. But this morning, as we were coming out of the Motherland Plaza hotel alley, I stopped into a place to get me a new spring suit. I wanted one of those English-eating suits for $35, but the guy sold me one that was moth-eating for $7.50. Really got a nice bargain, though. The guy threw in 14 straw hats and a pair of yellow button shoes. Hello there, microphone. Hello there, Guillotine Skelton. Guillotine Skelton. Yeah, you're a pain in the neck. That was very unfunny tonight, my good friend, but you don't bother me. I feel great. I just got back from Florida. I was down there for a week's vacation at a place called Panhandler's Rest. What a place. You got to tip everybody. Even the coconut trees hold out their palms. An expensive nook and it was so high class they served frogs legs with spat. There were a lot of... The hotel, though, there's the place, a European planned hotel, and they have four clerks on the desk. Two to give you your bill and two to revive you. It was a European planned hotel, but they made you pay cash for everything. I... I didn't know they made you pay cash in Europe. I know one guy in Europe who's getting everything from checks. There's a lot of fun down there, though. I went swimming. There's a lot of people on the beach. I love to swim. I use the politician's stroke, the underhand method. There were two old-time Republicans standing on the beach and one of them said, saying, if Dewey runs for president, you think he'll use the same slogan he used at Manila Bay? Remember the Maine? The Democrat standing by says, I don't think so. The Democrat's been using that for the last three years, only they enlarged on it. Remember the Maine and Vermont. They put a little life in the show. Phil Davis and the boy's going to play a number. What are you going to play, Phil? Well, it's going to be begin the begin. Begin. That was Phil Davis, ladies and gentlemen, playing the beginning... Hello there, Peter Grand. How are you? You sure look happy tonight. Boy, I am happy, Red. I was walking through the park today and it was beautiful. Yeah? Everything reminded me of Alvalon cigarette. Oh, now, Peter, not that. Sure, even the day itself, Red. You see, today is three to five days less than spring. And Alvalon, you know, costs three to five cents less per fact than other popular priced brands. And believe me, believe me, Red, a saving like that turns into real money in a surprisingly short time. That last part didn't have anything to do with the park, did it? No, no, that was just Alvalon. But today was such a perfect blend of a day, Red. It was so extra smooth, delightfully mild, and thoroughly enjoyable. Just like... Alvalon. Yes. I must miss an awful lot when I go to the park. I never see any of those things. Well, you know, Red, even the bubbling fountain seemed to be saying, the 100% union made from mellow ripe Turkish domestic tobaccos that have been aged in wood to completely bring out their writful flavor. Say that bubbling brook show was doing a lot of babbling, wasn't it? You know what, Red? You know, I think I saw a Robin Red brand. Oh, you did? Mm-hmm. And he looked as pretty as a pack of... Guess what? Oh, let's see. Alvalon? Right! Yes! You're right! And the little fellow seemed to be chirping, you never guess they cost you less, you never guess they cost you less, and you know, Red, unconsciously I said to myself, the next time old man, ask for Alvalons and save the deference. And then, just at that moment, a bell rang out in the steeple. Oh, how convenient! I could have sworn... I could have sworn, Red, I heard Mary Jane say... And don't forget your chain. Well, that's possible. Say, what part of the park did this all happen in? Right near the bridal path. That explains it. With all those horses around, you couldn't get your mind overplugged. Right! Well, thank you, Del, and good evening, friends. I always figured one of the nicest places to be is on the sunny side of the street, and here is why. With those blues on parade, but I'm not afraid. This rover, crossed over, if I never have a say, I'll be rich as Rockefeller. Gold us at my feet, on the sunny side of the street. Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street. Life can be so sweet on the sunny side of the street. I used to walk in the shade with those blues on parade, but I'm not afraid. This rover, crossed over, if I never have a say, I'll be rich as Rockefeller. Gold us at my feet, on the sunny side of the street. Hello. This is the office of the ill-fated SS Scalton. No, Mr. Scalton isn't here. He's over at the medical college attending a lecture. I think he's the subject. Oh, Miss Stillwell, say you should have been over the lecture with me. Oh, what a bunch of silly doctors. One doctor looked at me and said, I'll bet you a buck, you're dead. I was afraid to bet. By the way, here's your salary for the past eight weeks. Gee, can I touch it, or isn't the money dry yet? It's good. The judges of the movie quiz contest awarded me a thousand-dollar movie prize. I didn't have one answer correct. Here, I brought you a present. Oh, you shouldn't have done it. Oh, it's all right. What is it? Well, I heard you say eat a lot of chocolate, so I brought you a box to keep them in. You shouldn't have done that. Well, that's all right. I want it on a punch board. Say, if you don't mind, I'd like to take you to a nightclub tonight, if you're not doing anything. No. If I'm going to the club, I'll go with Phil Davis. You mean the old arm chair? Why does everybody call him the old arm chair? He's overstuffed. Well, he might be overstuffed, but at least he doesn't make me split the checks. Yeah. Well, I'm going out tonight. I think I'll go formal. You better call up my butler and tell him to lay out a complete change of socks. You're a butler? Yeah. What do you need with a butler? Well, I need somebody. I'm getting too big for my mother to dress me. Why don't you open up a bank account with the rest of that $1,000? What $1,000? I only got 600 left. I made a payment on my automobile. Yes, thank you. Two more payments, and I can drive it in the daytime. All right. The payment was $2. Yeah. Now, what did you do with that $1,000? Well, if you really much know nosy, I made a few wise investments. Uh-oh. What do you mean, uh-oh? You won't believe this, but for $200 I bought controlling interest in the Chicago River. That's great. How about me getting in touch with Grover Whalen? Maybe you can buy the main gate at the World's Fair and charge admission. What are you trying to kid me? What, am I look dumb or something? I already bought it. Oh, hello, Mr. Scalton. Well, Applebird, how are you? I'm fine, thank you. The landlord sent me up to collect the rent. I know I'm not going to get it, but I've done my duty. Well, you're going to get your rent this week. Here's $50. Oh, good heavens, the old clown has money. My, we're living in a daze of miracles. This week, you're paying the rent, and last week, Brooklyn won a ball game. That is a miracle. I've got the dash now. A lady told me to go to devil five minutes ago, and I've only three minutes left. Well, goodbye. If I'm going anywhere tonight, I better get the work here. Miss Stilwell, take a letter to the home for stray cats. In clothes, you'll find a donation of $10. $10 for stray cats? Yes, I'm doing it for the kiddies. Uh, Mr. Scalton, I believe. Hello, Broome, what do you hear from them off? My, uh, my name is Snoodgrass, but you can call me Snood and cut the grass. I'm glad to know you're my name's Scalton, but you can call me Scalton and cut the ad-libbing. My, that was a good one. My, is this lovely lady your secretary? Mm-hmm. You know there's something familiar about you? Yeah, it's you. I, um, I represent the fly-by-night bird company. Dealers in rare birds. If you stick around here, you'll get plenty of rare birds. Now, if you lend me your pencil, I'll show you how we can make a lot of money. Okay. Now, we, uh, we buy birds for a dollar, and we sell birds for $100. Not much of a profit, but we'll be satisfied with our 1%. Well, that sounds very interesting. You know, I'm crazy about birds. I bought a parrot once. It turned out to be a crow with gang green. Say, I'd like to go in business with you. This is a suicide pack if I ever heard one. Yeah. Don't pay any attention to her. She's punched her. I am not. I never touch the stuff. Yeah. Yes, Mr. Scalton, we can make a lot of money in this bird business. Yes, we should make a lot of money in bird business if we watch the overhead. Here's $200 cash. Will you take me in for that? Your took. Thank you all my way in. Mr. Scalton, are you going to let him get away with that? He takes your pencil. Yeah. Show you nothing, and you give him $200. Yeah. Don't you realize the man is stealing from you? Yeah, how about that? Hey, come back here, you. Just a minute. What do I look like? A sap or something? What are you coming in here trying to pull those fast tricks on me? Now, you give me back my pencil. Tonight, Jeanette sings a lover's lament. It seems love flies out the window when the masquerade is over. You and the tree and get myself a clown's disguise. Arrange it. Bill Davis and the boys are wild to play it. We hope you're wild about it too. It's run and wild. You never pass up a bargain, do you? I mean a real bargain where you get identically the same merchandise for less. We all want as much for our money as possible. And for this reason, we believe there was a definite need for a quality cigarette that sold for less. A quality cigarette, mind you, not simply a low-priced cigarette, but a cigarette that would more than satisfy the demand of you smokers of popular price brands. Avalons are truly the answer. Highest quality cigarettes costing three to five cents less per pack. Three to five cents less. But you'd never guess they cost you less. They're 100% union made from the finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos the world afford. You could want no finer cigarettes regardless of price, regardless of brand. Friends, you owe it to yourself to give Avalons a trial because you are the one who has so much to gain. Millions upon millions of other smokers are switching to Avalons and are getting more for their money. Why not get more for your money? The next time, ask for Avalons and save the difference. What's this I hear about you buying an antique shield that belonged to King Arthur? What do you mean, King Arthur? You mean King Arthur's skeleton? Uh-oh. Here it comes, folks. I bet King Arthur was one of your ancestors. Well, if you don't believe me, ask the old hysterian, Del King. Historian. Historian, Del King. That's more like it. That mustache is fuzzing my words. You know he's right, Miss Stillwell, and to prove it, I'll set the scene so that Red can tell the story. Okay, Red? Okay, Del? What music? The Time, the Year, 452. The place, King Arthur's Skeleton's palace in Old Britain. As the scene opens, we find King Arthur's skeleton dressed in his armored suit, facing the floor, talking to his secretary, Lady Stillwell. What are you holding your stomach for, King Arthur? Is there something wrong with you? Yeah, I've lost the rivet that holds my pants up. See, when I was first married, the Queen used to rivet all kind of fancy metalwork on my armor. Now she don't care if I run around my bare tin. How is the Queen? Oh, I don't know. I don't ever see her anymore. She won't even cook me any vitals to warm my innards. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Well, you're either gonna learn to cook or starve to death. Last night I came... What happened to that one, Freddie? The, uh... That's my writer, folks, Freddie. The... We had an argument. He says, that'll kill him. The house will come down. The worst he was here, let it come down on him. Last night I went home... Went home... Uh-oh, he said, you're fired. The, uh... Last night I went home for supper, and what do you think? There was Sir Long Slop Foley. He's sitting on his lap. You know what I think? She's lap-happy. Boy, am I hungry. See how I'd love to sit down at that round table and eat a square meal. Well, why don't you do something about getting the Queen back? What are you, a man or a mouse? I don't know, but I'm pretty fond of cheese. Your Majesty, Winner Bear, Queen of Alta, now entering from Doleville. I wonder if she's got a diner on her train, huh? Hello there, Artie Boy. My, you've lost a lot of weight, haven't you? That's my sword. I'm over here. With all the insulting remarks, comparing me with a sword. Why not? You both have a temper. You said it, Winner Bear, and if you don't stop running around and start fixing me some food, I'm gonna use it. What, your temper? No, the sword. You should be ashamed of yourself, Winner Bear, the way you treat Arthur. I wish he were mine. One more wish, and you got him. Winner Bear, you love me until you met that Sir Long Slot Fully. I even saw you give him a kiss. Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, yes, I did. Oh, no, you didn't. I saw you. Well, who are you gonna believe? Me or your eyes? I've had enough of this, ladies still. Well, get my coat. The one that has the 24 sleeves in it. 24 sleeves? Get my coat of arms. I'm gonna challenge this Sir Long Slot Fully to a juice, uh, joust. Joust. Sir Long Slot Fully, knight of King Arthur's throne table. Hi, Grim. Hello, Art. Hi, still. Hi, a Slot. Say, Artie, why are you looking daggers at me? Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's my dual personality. I just messed up a word while ago. I was gonna challenge you to a joust. Uh, who's, uh... I dribble over my word, so it will have to fight you a drool, I guess. Say, who's gonna challenge... Who's gonna challenge who to a joust? I'm challenging you. Okay, I joust wanted to make sure. Why, you miserable knight, you don't know it, but your days come. Say, pardon me while I fling my gauntlet in your face. Oh, hey, the next time, take your fist out of that glove. That settles it. Now, get yourself a spear. We'll settle this tournament fashion. Okay, you red-headed dope, and when I get through with you, you'll look like an apple on a stick. Yeah, but we'll settle this outside the castle walls. Grab yourself a horse. Don't take the one in the middle. He's whole rest of them up. Come on, I can't, boy. Come on, giddy up there. There they go. No, I couldn't get my spear through him. Boy, that's the toughest knight I ever had. Still one of the most popular tunes of the day is the continental hit, Penny Serenade. Red Foley and the Avalon chorus give us their version of it. Once I strayed my pennies serenade In a dream so divine, she was mine No word had been spoke When I woke from my dreams, she was gone My poor heart was broken Just a penny serenade Just a penny serenade Friends, when you ask for Avalon cigarettes Don't forget your chain. Yes, Avalon cigarettes, dear friends Caught several cents less than others You too can save this difference Like all of us Avalon brothers Each pack is wrapped in cellophane Each pack is union made No wonder folks from coast to coast Say, Avalons, lead the parade So what? You'd never guess But Avalons cost only ten cents Plus city or state tax The tobacco corporation will again present Avalon Time. Del King speaking. Good night, everybody. Avalon Time originated in the studios of the nation's station and has reached you through the national broadcasting company.