 This week's episode is sponsored by Change. Change is an online mentoring program that teaches people with no experience how to create a real profitable online business and e-commerce. I have been working with Ryan at Change for a few years now and attended many events and got to meet the amazing community of like-minded people. These guys are the best of the best. The support these guys offer is personal, no bots or employees. There's no experience needed but like anything in life it takes time as it's a real business with real results. For more information go check out Ryan on Instagram at RyanGybe and he will guide you through the steps to help build a successful business. You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications bell so you are notified for when my next podcast goes live. How are you brother? What's going on man? I was looking forward to coming here for a while and I must have knew what was coming off because I went for the full blown Phil Mitchell. You went fucking full. You went proper mad with the hair. What's that for? Basically there is a trial called U-Vrage that we donated to helping with his cancer treatment and unfortunately like he's been told that his hair will never ever grow back and I'm close with him and his family and I've seen his mom post something on the internet saying he was like extremely depressed, extremely sad and he's really struggling with the fact he's got no hair. So when I've seen that I thought straight away my hair's coming off I'm gonna go meet him I'm gonna send him a video because I want him to know that you know his hair will never define him you know what he's been through the battles he's faced you know the people he's inspired on his journey that's what defining you know what I mean your hair is nothing and I'll shave my hair off I'll keep my hair off all year if I have to. His world trial the cancer awareness month a lot of these kids you know going through extreme battles that we will ever know not know anything about and a lot of their struggles are the fact that they are losing their hair young boys young girls amazing kids so I kind of wanted to shave mine off to show how insignificant having hair on your head is it's all about what's in here and it's about what you choose to do with your life that really matters and I just you know I remember when I was in hospital my daughter you know she lost her hair and you know broke my heart and even though she was only a little baby I seen how much my attention to her developed her as a person and I thought you know when she does make it through this you know she probably still wearing enough hair so I wanted to see her daddy in a person that's closest to her without any hair so she always knows it's never ever gonna be a problem so when I was in hospital I shaved off then and I really believed that that was my strongest form that was me when I'm taking life and the things that I care about serious and you know next year I'm gonna be doing things in this world that no one's ever done before so he's about tons of fucking lock-in and this is me doing that yeah love that man and everybody knows your story it wasn't just you Kate was worldwide and it's heartbreaking to see especially a father myself and everything I try and do it's for the people around me the closest my kids my missies and you're trying to do the right things listen I still get angry I still fuck up I still make mistakes and we all do we try and be a saint from time to time but that's not where your growth is and with your story with your beautiful daughter which we'll touch on but there's a lot more depth to you there's a lot more to who you are the Beast Ashley Kane whatever people want to call it but there's you've always had adversity through your whole fucking life from the football career you've tennis runner you've done so much in your life but the one thing about you you've never quit and that's a beautiful thing before we get into everything I was like to go back to the start of my guests give people an understanding about you and who you are and how you function and why you've never quit why you've never gave up every day you probably scream every night but you don't quit and then life man we're surrounded by pussies we're surrounded by weak links fucking guys who just can't handle it for me I was one of those men I self-medicated drink drugs anger violence because that was my way of pretending that was fine and deep inside I was just fucking screaming so for this story today it's for people to understand no matter what you go through it's still gonna be hard but you can get through it no matter what and pushing yourself to the extreme limits the brain such a powerful tool the brain will quit before anything and it's mad to think how far you can go and that's why you're an inspiration I believe it's one of my best podcasts because of the knowledge in this will change lives before we get into everything I was like to go back to the start of my guests where'd you go how it all began start calling you know what when I was writing my book had to really deeply think about this is hard for me to think about you know anything before my daughter because she's the most incredible thing that happened in my life but you know I'm one of five kids I've got two older brothers two younger sisters and I'm half Vincy so from Sir Vincent half English I've got a huge family on both my mom's side and my dad's side and I guess my mom's side of the family is the really kind of loving caring and calm side who you can always rely on to lift you up or put your arm around you when you need then I've got my dad's side which is you know heavily male dominated very animalistic very lively and that's where my competitive edge came from you know from being a kid and you know there's lots of parts of my family life like in my book there you know I choose not to go into I don't think it's relevant in the sense where I can see it as a man now and I can look back and I can laugh I also I'm never a victim of anything because I always take the positives and the strength that was forged in those moments but I believe that had like a good healthy childhood and there was adversity in it yes that always made me stronger but I was taught to to love myself believe in myself and compete from a very young age I had to compete with my brothers I had to compete with my cousins I was competing with my uncles my dad's I was very hungry from a young age to be the best I always wanted to be the best I always believed that I was put here for a certain kind of reason and you know yeah I you know my do you know what it is James yeah I'll be honest you know I've done so many things from you know be a professional footballer to be to be in the fastest kid in the country to compete for my from our country to you know being clever at school to you know being an international DJ to being on TV to doing all of these things that I believed that were very important at the time and now I'll completely see them as fucking irrelevant you know and and the reason being is you know I was always trying to be somebody before I wanted to be somebody that people liked I wanted to be famous I wanted to be rich I wanted to be successful I wanted to I thought my purpose in life and I thought my fulfillment would come from my achievements and you know after achieving all of those things through a lot of adversity from bouncing back every single time when the most monumental thing happened to me in my life I realized that all of those things equated to fuck all to the point where I can't even think the worst we even talk about it that's how much it means to me nothing do you know I mean I my life gained true importance in my life gained true value when it didn't become about me and they're the stages of my life where I have a voice to speak about you know when the actual moments of my life come from my heart rather than what I thought was important or relevant you know. Working people buy your book Ash first of all because I know people are posting all over the place saying they've read it in a day two days that's not normal for people get about it will take a week two weeks on holiday but people seem to be going through this fast working people buy your book. So my books are available absolutely everywhere you know I think the easiest place to access it is Amazon you know you can get the hardback here the audio and the paperbacks out I think in January and if you go past the WH Memphis, Tesco and ASDA it's there you know if you're in an airport you can get this book absolutely everywhere I mean I never ever dreamed of being an author you know but when I've got the opportunity I just really wanted to put into words you know how much really my daughter's changed my life I wanted to put down the importance of the journey that I went through and I wanted to show light at the other side of it and this book is you know true tell James a beauty and a beast it's a beautiful memoir with really strong and powerful undertones of strength resilience belief and hope you know and that's all inspired by my daughter you know one thing that I am not afraid of saying and ashamed of is you know my daughter gave me a shot of redemption you know I'm in this position talking to you and I've achieved the things that I've achieved and I'm in the positions that I'm in because that beautiful little girl you know and now I simply want to be a vessel to make a difference and I think you know people that bought the book they bought it because they invested in her they bought it because they're invested in our story and the father that I was to her and in this book you know there's a lot of truths in there that I thought needed to be in there about my earlier life because I thought only in telling the truth and being honest about who I was as a person and how I was as a person you could really see how monumental my daughter was in my life in making me the man that I am today that sits in front of you you know so it's a beautiful tale and I think people can you know not only read it and get a lot of perspective you know in their own life and how lucky they've got it but they can also find a lot of strength and resilience from it to overcome and surpass all the things that try and hold them down as well yeah I think a lot of people need that just now a lot of people are looking for answers nobody knows what to do nobody knows what the fuck is going on like you say we can all talk a good game but people are scared people need some guidance and from your story and your book people can understand okay listen what the fuck have I got to complain about hopefully yeah yeah football career yeah when did that start because you were the one common new prospect run through fucking brick walls speed everything power you had at all when did it start so I think I think I started I'm supposed to started playing at like four years old you know for like a local team didn't even really know what football was about you know and I kind of like as soon as I started playing for a bit and it was like from a young age I was an athlete I've always been an athlete at 14 I could bench 100 kilos at 15 I could run 100 meters in 10.8 seconds I was like a freak you know so my football career started at a local team called bed with United and it was apparently you know when I was a kid of like seven eight nine and you scoring three four goals a game that you're gonna go somewhere and at that point I could have gone to Leicester I could have gone to Villa I could have gone to Birmingham could have gone to Wolverhampton could have gone to West Brom any kind of team in the midlands I could have gone to I could have gone to teams that were further but you couldn't go to a team that was further out of your catchment area than they required and it was only for Cove you know it was the nearest team they were in the Premiership at the time our first game we played Villa when I was 10 one 10 0 I was got a hat trick happy days you know when I was you know 10 years old and even up to the age of 15 you know I was going to school all day and then Monday night at our football Tuesday night at our athletics Wednesday night at our football Thursday night at our athletics Friday night at our football Saturday I play games Sunday I'd run in an athletics meet that was that's how I was a kid you know and if I could do anything extra I would do it you know I'd walk a couple of miles home from school or run a couple of miles home from school try and get out to play for a little bit get on and then go to football get back after doing my homework the day starts again the next day I only really acknowledged James you know while writing my book that I've always well I've never been afraid of hard work and it was really strange because I only kind of acknowledged my life before you know after you know having my daughter but I didn't I didn't always realize the person that I was from a young age ultra competitive never shied away from any hard work and very resilient yet you know like when I was playing football James I was going to school and imagine like I always associated with the black side of me for some reason I'm you know I'm half white half black but I believe that I was kind of a little bit more black than white and maybe that was because of my experiences growing up like I was doing all these things and I was working hard and I was training hard and I was focusing hard at school or while I was going to school in an area that was predominantly white people being the only kind of mixed-race kid in 1,000 800 students in a school that never seen black kids that was in special measures that was rough getting kind of like verbally and physically assaulted on a day-to-day basis you know and having to stick up for myself from being a young kid you know I'd either I'd either fight or I'd have to put my trainings on on the last class I'm gonna call my own I was remember finishing school yeah put my trainers on and the teachers going mad and not giving them a chance to keep me there because I was deciding whether I was gonna go out the back way or the front way you know I mean and I think that played a big part in my resilience in my toughness now because when I look at it and you know thinking not from a kid that's like 11 12 and you got kids are 18 coming in cars multiple kids waiting for you to bring bats and to bring this to to attack you or to do whatever after school and you know what James I didn't even know what stress depression anxiety was all I thought was I've got to go to school today and I've got to get on from school today and I can't tell my nanny granted about it because they're old and I care about my man I don't want them to worry so I've got to make sure I get home with minimal damage then I've got to get a football tonight then I've got to do the same again the next day but I think that helps me in terms of my footboard as well all of these things that that were bad and harsh in my life gave me this kind of toughness and mental resilience to be able to tackle anything so you know I was I was a bit sorry I went off in a tangent there I think he just it came in me I think so as a kid you know I was always quicker I was always stronger than any of my peers around me so I guess football came quite naturally in the sense of not that I was extremely technically gifted I was just a powerhouse I was aggressive I used to punch holes in the defense I used to score goals or create chances and you know from the age of 12 I was playing the age group you know and that's 15 I was playing two age groups up so when I was you know 17 you know I was on the bench for the first team I was always a prospect I was always being looked at by the people but even from a young age I was injury-prone you know which was difficult and I remember the season when you know I played five games for the first team I think at 18 I must have played against Everton and Everton were gonna you know make a view to sign me and broken uncle and then the years that went on after that James I had five six operations by the age of 23 so you know broken uncle plated broken uncle tightrope snapped a kiddies up to the back of my knee ruptured quadriceps reconstruction tear between my groins and glutes reconstruction and even look at 14 I lost a test I got at 14 when I was on my when I was at England camp ready to play Turkey you know I've always had shit happen to me that stopped me why do you think that is like because the question life some people think why me and stuff and listen we'll get dealt the cars were dealt but why do you always feel as if as soon as you're ready to kick on in life hovers up there however created universe I don't know if says well here here's another test for you do you have a question why me with that was that just they think this is just because you were tough enough to deal with it do you know the maddest thing is you like the whole order the reflection based on all the things have happened to me it's happened in the last three years since I lost my daughter I've had a lot of time to and a lot of isolated and horrible challenges to sit in my head and think about things and the more I think about it yet I've never ever thought why me you know you know like it's even when I retired mate I flew out to Romania you know to sign a really good contract for a team out there by myself Transylvania 22 years of age whatever and my first game before I signed my contract I snapped my kidneys I literally got in a taxi from Romania to Hungary flew back to London got a taxi home there taxi by the next day had an operation and then the next morning I was like yeah I'm retiring and everyone's like you can't and I was like listen you could be going out with the best-looking girl in the world if she keeps on cheating on you one day you're gonna fall out I love with that and that's what was up with football I got back to my house mate I had a house I had cars and I didn't have no insurance from the FA I didn't have no compensation for the club because I wasn't signed and I couldn't walk for a year bro I was on my soap from being that 17 year old kid or the 18 year old kid that walks into town while his mates are working in the shop with a Chelsea shirt because he just played against him in in the FA Cup you know and being a superstar from a young age where you're from to having a great promising Korean football to them being on your sofa at home and I got to point me I couldn't afford my house I couldn't afford my cars I was going down the side of my sofa look it I remember the day but I found £1.35 yeah and I drove my Mercedes to the petrol station I put £1.35 in so I could go see my grandma and and then and then I had nothing left and I was thinking how am I gonna work you know wet wet what I'm gonna do now I've got no qualifications even I was a clever kid you know I've got no work experience even though I've got a great knowledge of how the world works and the next best thing I can do is probably working JJB from being a kid that's played in the championship and done that it was fucking difficult bro and but I never ever thought why me I just thought what can I do to bounce back and get on my feet and I've always thought that I've never ever ever in my life welcome and thought why me when I lost my daughter or when my daughter had cancer I never woke up and thought why me I thought why her when I cry tears now I don't cry tears because I think I'm missing out as a daddy I think I can't believe for eight months so much beautiful little girl I've ever seen in this world had spent eight months on this planet going through that pain and didn't have a chance at life and I've never really reflected on until you ask the question but I've never in my life ever thought why me I've just thought what can I do about it because you never want to play the victim even how was it going through school when you're being tested by the for the color of your skin does that make you then go I'm going to prove to everybody I had a man on called Michael showers he was an old drug lord lover but as soon as I spoke to him he just broke down as soon as the podcast started they just started crying because of the racism that he went through in Liverpool where he ended up never getting a nightclub because of color of his skin end up stabbing a bouncer and that instant listen violence if there was no violence in the world listen about an amazing place but it is but he says that's what shaped him to who he was because he thought fuck it because he was so pissed off and broken that people were wouldn't say bullying because I don't like that word but people were targeting on you say this is funny you say that I said the same thing you know well I don't think people go so you got bullied and I'm saying no I didn't get bullied you know like for me billions have been a victim it's not even been a victim but it's you've not let it defeat you now would I would I want my little nephew to go through what I went through you know would I want any kid to go for I went through course not you know but I think he definitely shaped me and one thing about me I never changed because of it you know I used to go to school wearing a durag or you know a flat P cat or certain different trainers that were different and it used to stand out like a sore thumb and then you know you get people say certain thing you get someone to fight you after school you get people waiting for you in town you get all of this kind of stuff for no reason ain't done nothing I was you know all I did when I was in school is you know I wasn't necessarily the best but hey but I tried to get on and I was focused about getting back for my sports I didn't really trouble nobody but someone troubled me like they had trouble back you know and I think he definitely shaped me because you know my dad was a kind of person me like I I used to like live on my nana lock during that time my nana and granddad you know I mean so when I used to go back from school it was someone and granddad's house you know I didn't believe I could voice that to my nana and granddad because I've always been a protector do you understand what I'm saying when I find out that someone said something to my little sister in school you know from from my year and I was the first one then I saw it now when people have you know been a certain kind of way my older brothers I'd be there ready to bounce you know and that's because of me being around my dad like my dad was feared in my area my dad was respected in my area my dad you know I used to walk through town my dad was a kid and people telling me my dad's a legend you know I mean because of all the stories of like the bar fights that this has happened and that has happened so I always had that to compete with always you see my dad my dad used to get me up out of bed you know from being a little kid at four o'clock in the morning on when he'd come back from work and they'd be like they'd be a load of men in the house people that you know I remember one day coming back and my dad's nose is hanging off you know and I'm seeing it I'm being around this environment from being a little kid was a bouncer he's a bouncer the rest so like all of these things you could see a guy and he's got like you he could have he could have a wound here you know my dad he's nose hanging off I'm not saying too much but I was kind of I've seen that from a young kid so when I used to go to school and I used to have like five I used to be 14 and that five kids are waiting for me they left school I just I just used to see it as you know my chances against five ain't really that good so probably I need to go this way I think used to panic because I used to think when I see one of you five by yourself yeah you're getting it and I was like that every day bro so the kind of like the durability that that built in my mentors was like I look at it now and I think I'm grateful for that I don't look at back at it and think I wish it was different I don't see that I got bullied I see that that was a necessary part of my life to make me to the person I am today to handle the stuff that I've had to handle so yeah I think it was definitely like a part of my life which formed a certain person in me and it was definitely a part of my life where I can look back on and it just truly showed my character because no matter what was going on I didn't change how did you lose one of your bowls mad like 14 yeah imagine this one so it's something called a torsion I was an England training camp we were we were preparing for Turkey and I was running and then the next minute it felt like it felt like someone that just kicked me between my legs and I remember going on the floor and I was in crazy pain when I say that crazy pain I mean crazy so they I couldn't train so to bring my daddy picked me up and I remember my dad saying we need to a hospital and I was like nah I was scared I was thinking like I don't know you know what they cut me open you know I don't want to go hospital so then he took me home I was in bed with a hot war bottle and then you know parents are like yeah you know back in our day there was no sympathy was that it was a ball if you go hospital you go in school mate when I say like I was what I was walking like this yeah I couldn't walk I was in school couldn't get up the steps the school like what are you doing it and I said one you know mom said if I don't go to hospital I gotta go to school they were like you can't be here so they rang my mom and I always remember it yeah it was mad we went to the doctors and the doctor said like sit down on there and then he went to me and he said if you if you had sexual intercourse and I went where do you want me to sit you know me and he went sit over there if you have a sexual intercourse yeah and I'm sitting there's like a 14 year old kid yeah and I'm like yeah and then the then obviously he inspected me and he told me I need to go to hospital immediately I've never had a more awkward journey ever in my life there's sitting with my mom in a car in a hospital after she heard you know a little boy you know a 14 who does sexual intercourse anyway I got to the hospital and and you know they tried to save my testicle and couldn't save it it was a torsion and so then you know a lot of time at a football there a lot of time off school and you kind of long god I'd I'd say like four months something like that because I stopped with your growth or anything I well this is that this is the test this is the thing that's what everybody and that's what everyone was saying at the time James yeah when I say like like I'm saying I could bench for 100 kilos at 14 I was always the biggest kid I was the biggest kid in my year I was one of the biggest kid in my team I was massive everyone thought it was gonna be 6.5 yeah and then at 14 I didn't grow any more my soul's and it's been everything good decline I mean I ran the fastest I've run at 15 mm-hmm and then I I mean obviously I stopped before time I stopped athletics properly you know because I'm an full-time football so you could say it was that but you know I think for a period of time in my main growth stage I think that did play a massive part did you tell people that would you try because that's an embarrassing thing in it at that age especially and people try to make fun and I didn't tell people watch me watching your story several was watching interviews because I think what you're doing is fucking unbelievable man and but there's always when you're telling your story you always kept things close to your chest you never really speak about things now I think you're more open we think well fuck it this is my story and you want it more but back then you always seem to be you never told anybody even though you're probably going everybody loves you but you never spoke do you know what you know I told about my testicle do you know why and this what I mean when I've done that show go hard or go home I was the mentor of Dylan who you know was in remission from cancer you know young lad and you know he lost his testicle you know through cancer and he was like a bit embarrassed he was upset he was a bit ashamed and I'm sitting opposite this kid like this and I'm like I was like you know what this ain't about me and you know I went you know what I've lost my testicle as well mate I've only got one and I mean it's my left one even me too and I thought this is gonna go out on national TV all the girls are gonna know and I thought I don't actually care I thought because you know he's he's well-being and how he feels about himself is way important way more important sorry then you know my persona or how many balls I've got between my legs I thought it's irrelevant you know I thought you know be a man of your word you can't be telling this God it doesn't matter if you don't show him you know your vulnerability there that same words I can't be telling kids you know that your head doesn't matter unless I'll show that you know I'm willing to do the same thing I think you know that's how I've always been I think what happened to me James was you know you talk about drinking stuff yeah you know I found drink I was drinking heavy you know when I lost my daughter I was drinking heavy and I was drinking I was drinking I was drinking and then I've told the story before but I woke up one morning I was in tears bro I thought if this is the man that your that my daughter is looking at I feel fucking ashamed I feel embarrassed I went I went through that journey by her side and and and I was privileged enough to have eight months with that little girl and I thought and this is this is how you're a painter you know I thought you know when I wrote a eulogy but I'm trying to imagine trying to write a eulogy about the most spectacular thing in person you've ever seen and it's your daughter and you're writing the eulogy to bury her on that day like I couldn't even find the words but I did you know and not only did I find the words I wanted to make sure that I stood and I spoke them with love in my heart and pride in my soul on that day and I spoke the words and I said who I was gonna be and what I was gonna do and I made promises to one that day and when I found myself fucking drinking I felt fucking ashamed and I thought the only thing that you have got left on this planet is the promises that you make the words that you say and the man that you look back at back out in the mirror and you're not fulfilling any of those things and that's when I that's when I kind of made a change to my life that's why like I kind of know now that and I say the only thing I have left James in this world is you know keeping the promises that I made the only thing I have left in this world is the effort that I make every single day the only thing I have left in this world and the only thing that means something to me is at the end of the day when I look in the mirror cannot give the person that's looking back and not say you know you're doing all right today and you know I kind of lost my train of thought there but I'm sorry yeah but see the young boy who lost his testicle and the young boy who losing his hair do you see see the stuff that you do that you see a reflection of you as those kids who feel embarrassed to feel ashamed to feel as if they can't speak anything and you're doing that as a reflection of who you were as a kid yeah to show it's fine man because it is all that these are vessels that we're in doesn't really mean fuck all but as a kid and innocent and it's so hard at that age to try and fit in yeah I remember where I was on this topic now I do I do see that you know in the kid that I was I guess the difference is when we were younger bro there wasn't all of this like you know talking about it there was like I said I didn't know what stress I didn't know what depression I didn't know what anxiety was I just knew that to go fucking school the next day or I had to turn up and I guess the reason why I said what I said to Dylan was cuz you know not only was I drinking so when I was drinking I had to what I had to do was I had to be honest on myself because what I felt guilty about James was I began to tell people that I was drinking because of what I've been through now that made me feel really bad inside because I thought that means that my daughter being here and having cancer and her passing away is a reason for me being a bad person and I thought that's not the fucking case like my daughter gave me an opportunity to be the greatest person I can be because I learned so much when I was with her and she was such an amazing soul that I should take nothing but inspiration from that so the fact that I am not only lying to other people but I'm lying to myself the fact that I'm drinking because of trauma I went through for you are fucking embarrassing so first and foremost not only did I choose to be honest to myself but then I chose to sat down my family James yeah and I told them all the things that I'd done that I was not proud about why because it made me feel ashamed it made me feel embarrassed it made me feel worthless but I was really one thing that means I'm very emotionally intelligent I understand a lot about psychology and people and myself and I self-analyse and I'm critical think when it comes to the person I need to be and I thought I've already gone through the toughest thing I believe that a father can go through yeah and now I have my family left around me and they need to know who I truly am because if they know who I truly am I will be humbled enough to the point where I'm at the base of where a human being can be now only the base of where a human being can be do you know the true building blocks that you need to build to be the person that you want to be I thought I have to I can't lie to anyone no more I can't fool anybody and if I want to be the hero that I set out to be first and foremost I need to earn the respect back of the people that I love that are hungry so that's why I decided to do that and then going from that and the rest of my life but I choose to be honest now because I think by being honest then you know it might feel a certain kind of way to you as a person but then you also know exactly what you have to do to be the person you need to be. I've seen you in the high performance podcast shout out to the guys are good guys and but there was a thing that he says about football when you made your debut you still hit it without saying a bit but people are telling you because you don't get taught that. I used to always hit it with my toe, I was caught a toe basher, I used to hit the point but I would hit the top corner with always whatever I aimed there was just so much power so much accuracy with it but they try to drill that out of me at times and it does actually happen they do get it out of you but when you said you came on as a sub and you were one and one with a goalie and you thought you had like a little fucking mind where you thought do I go outside stay natural or do you listen with the coaches tell you and you said you listen to the coaches but that was a big moment in your life why? There's two poignant parts in my life that haunt me that's one of them you know set the scene yeah you know you're an 18 year old kid making your debut for your you know I was a Coventry lad you know what I mean when I was you know on the bench all season you know it got to the point where you know 24,000 fans were standing up saying Ashley Kane, Ashley Kane, Ashley Kane to the point where the manager couldn't deny it anymore so you know the manager tells me to warm up he's like you know come on son it's your time I'm thinking you know my granddad is there watching my granddad was the most proud person you know of me anyone could ever imagine you know I gave my granddad a new lease of life you know I gave him a reason to continue living and to feel like he's got a purpose on this planet he used to take me absolutely everywhere you know I mean and I came on and you know it was a star man performance I was menacing and then I went through on this chance and like everything like flashed before me my granddad put a bet on that I was gonna come on that game I was gonna score and you know I was gonna read it's gonna be the winning goal and I was gonna relegate Charlton can you imagine the odds in that ridiculous you know I mean a rich man you know so I go through and it was my normal scenario normal position the position where I put the board in the back of the net nine times I tell my eyes closed and in that millisecond all of these things went through my head I thought you know debut star man goal relegate Charlton granddad wouldn't a lot of money and then unfortunately the last thing that came into my head was all my coaches over the years and now the first team coaches in the gaffer telling me you don't hit a ball like that here with your laces and strike through it and I thought if I hear how I hit it and I miss not only will I be extremely disappointed but these guys will go fucking mad at me so I did what they told me and I pulled it you know scoring that goal would have changed my life you know out of in the young hop prospect they can put the board in the back of the net he's dangerous he's clinical he's all of these things that a woman granddad a lot of money and I've been a super star from GC but that ain't why I regret I genuinely don't care about football anymore I don't wish I was still playing that's how mad it is I watch the Premiership or watch my friends who used to play you back in the day playing I love them I support them I don't wish I was them I and I regret it because you know I missed that hurts me it haunts me and it haunts me because it wasn't my decision I think if I make a choice and it ends up being a mistake I have no problem with dealing with the consequence because it was my choice it was my mistake and I take full responsibility for it and I learn the lesson from it but because it was advice you know I'd been nailed into thinking was the right thing from other people and then I fucked up based on what they thought what they wanted that's what hurt me and that's what haunted me and that taught me that you know I would always live my life based on my decisions and my choices because I'm man enough to take the responsibility if it goes wrong and I will learn the lesson for it and the second point your moment is which is one that's carrying me through these years of my life is when I done SAS now I done SAS very soon after losing my daughter probably too soon but I felt like I had to do it because I was a broken man when I say a broken man I was a fucking broken man and I thought in my most vulnerable form if I can go on this show and I can do wow I know I have the capabilities to be able to enjoy the things that I need to enjoy in the next couple of years I can find out whether I am that person that can do it you know not only James had I've been in the hospital all that time but I hadn't been around people it was COVID as well you know so I was going into an environment where you had a big production you had a lot of people that were you know celebrities you know they were trying to live the high life they were big personalities bro I hadn't been around nobody apart from my ex partner and my mom and I was going through the trauma of losing a child so it was a really fine environment for me at the time I thought this is necessary if you can go on there you can do this bro you can do anything that you want to do go into the future now I went on there and I think and I've been told that you know a lot of people did really well on that show because of my story and because of my resilience and because I was willing to go further and do more now I think without being arrogant and I'm not being arrogant I ain't that guy I think I was by far the strongest contestant on the show you know physically drive wise resilience wise and you know I've shown that in a lot of the tasks you know if we did a kilometre circuit I was lapping people you know it was crazy but there was the interrogation James yeah and the interrogation was going on for like 15 hours I was in there for 15 hours and without going into too much detail you know what they're playing in your ears you know it could be anything from babies crying to animals getting slaughtered to really really uncomfortable sounds you know 15 hours and that kind of stuff that makes you think of you know being uncomfortable babies death kind of wasn't what I wanted and you know I took my own band off very calmly I just thought you know I've proved I can enjoy the physical aspects I've proved I can step outside of my comfort zone I've proved that I can go into an environment this difficult and thrive and you know this is just punishment now and I've been punished enough so I took my own band off thinking I made the right decision you know went back day after yeah it's cool because you know before people ended up winning the show I think if I went through I'd have been the sole winner you know I would have been and then not the days crept by James the days crept by and then the weeks went by the months went by and I was still fucking thinking about it mate I used to go to bed at night they wake up I think what the fuck yeah and not winning that show was the best thing that ever happened to me because anytime I'm doing these challenges I'm fucking running 109 miles I'm cycling 1800 miles I'm doing the world's toughest endurance race quaking from Canada to fucking Alaska with grizzly bears and wolves yeah I think of that moment when I took my own band off and I am like I will never ever in my fucking life quit again I'd prefer to die than quit I think to myself now you know when I've got a torn rotator cuff when I've got a stress fracture my foot when my body's completely worn out and I still got 150 miles to paddle that day I'm not yeah mate this is gonna hurt yeah but it's gonna hurt for another 10 hours yeah if you quit that's gonna hurt you for the rest of your life yeah but fuck that sure because they're using your no no it's not fuck the show yeah but you know but you know what it is in this is exactly what I think bro I don't have business I never ever have business I look at the show and I think you know I'm grateful that they wanted me on I think I had an incredible incredible time while I was on it I got to do things that I would have never ever got to done in my life I got to find out that I was capable enough to be the person I wanted to be and I got taught that one of the most valuable lessons I would ever get taught going forward to complete the things I need to do I'm grateful for that show I'm grateful that I took my band off and I'm grateful that I learned something there which will be a catalyst in me not quitting in anything after doing the future everything you go through in life yeah I always say this bro you know you can you know a challenge in life or something that you go through in life can either be seen as an ordeal or an adventure and the only thing that will decide that is your attitude and I decide to try and walk away from any kind of scenario or situation with a glass half full mentality because I realized that it's never that that will define me it's what I choose to do about it that will you know and and there are two moments in my life that will always keep me awake or awake at night but will forever make me a better person why does that why do you do that go through something feel as if you could do better go away over thank you over analyze has that always been the case with you from a very young age to be overthinking the process and how you could improve and what you can do better yeah who's that come from your mom your dad your granddad a lot problem oh no cuz you know what it is yeah my grandparents and my mom like I could I could do that I could make up I could be at home I like to be 20 stone and I could be you know eating packs of Chris all day and not achieving anything and my grandma but I call you beautiful you know my mom be right love me lad my mom will get them from work probably and what I want to feed me even more food away like I never had to be anybody to have my mom's or my granddad's or my grandma's appreciation or love or support you know I mean my grandma tell me you know I'm the best thing in the world if you have to and I can't sing for shit you know I mean so it was never that I think probably and it's me maybe my dad my dad was always a deep guy you know especially when he had a drink right you know I can't think I can't think of a time when I touch my dad or he told me you love me apart from when my daughter was ill and she passed away I think that's the first time he told me you love me I nearly love me you know he's my dad and he's a great dad you know I mean just don't school yeah mate if I used to walk past him and like graze his hand it'd be like you know one of them kid I'll be I'll be having fun I'll be rolling around fighting with my dad you know I mean my household you have a family party bro I could be outside having a fool but I'm first thought my brother we but we were sound we like after everyone's just cool but I guess like I guess the point is like he's going to have a drink he was a really really deep thinker but there was something that really like really hit the nail on the head all my life bro yeah my dad was never happy my dad like you know if I you know if I if I wanted athletics me like I should have I should have ran a quicker time if I scored you know a hat trick why didn't I score on my left foot I can't tackle I can't head I can't dribble I just got my little match to score the hat trick that's what he was like I get back in the car and he tell me the 10 things I did wrong apart from the 50 things I did right he was always that guy he never wanted me to play football he went by the bat athletics he wanted me to get an education he wanted me to do this he always expected more and he was never happy with what I achieved yeah and always used to think like especially when I left school there's one and I was on TV or DJ and I was doing all this and they used to go around and my dad were fucking bothered me when I say like he didn't care I mean he wasn't bothered and always you think you know he's my dad like bitter or he's my dad hating on me or he's my like why is my dad so negative towards me yeah why is he so negative and I never used to get it because after I finished football bro I lost all my purpose you know when I was playing football I still probably under the guidelines of where a parent can really influence your life you know I mean and when I finished football I lost all direction and purpose yeah but I still thought being a young Jack the lad that was doing well because I had everybody wanted to be around me and I was on TV and then it was only writing my book again where I dug deeper and realized and I was like fuck because I remember like going on my dad's house say like last year you know and all the things I've achieved since losing my daughter yeah and the man that I become when I was with my daughter yeah I went around his house yeah and he was like proud you know he's my book came out he goes you know he goes I'm proud of you and he goes you should be proud of yourself and he goes and your daughter would be proud of you as well and it was a mad moment for me because you know I get a thousands of people every single day telling me you all you're great you're amazing but when he said it fucking made me emotional like it's making me now and I realized in that moment yeah my dad weren't negative my dad weren't bitter my dad weren't unsupportive my dad realized who I was and what was capable of my potential and I was never fucking reaching it he knew who I was and what I was supposed to do on this planet and anything less than that was substandard to him and now I know what I know is substandard to me and when I used to go around there and feel all of those things it wasn't my dad that was making me feel all of those things it's because really and truly I knew I wasn't reaching my potential really and truly I didn't really have any self-confidence or self-worth because that was based on all exterior things I wasn't the person that I wanted to be I wasn't the person I knew I should be and I wasn't achieving what I was capable of and until I started being that person I've never had a better bond and connection with my dad because I can look at him eye to eye and realize that you know the person that he created is being the person that he should be and I look back and I thank my dad for being a figure like he was old-school tough because it made me realize you know anything less than what you're capable of is substandard. Yeah because you've never had that in grinding you especially all the adversity you've came through you wouldn't have survived that. No. See all that before you had the realization what your dad was trying to do what you always crave in his love. Yeah there's something about my you know and I think because you know I'll look at my upbringing now look at my dad's and I think the man used to get held up to the wall with a machete by my granddad you know what I mean he used to get whipped he used to get you know the man I was holding the chickens on my granddad's chop on the chickens it was a really really harsh and tough upbringing that my dad had you know what I mean and you see my dad and my uncle was now they laugh about it you know not once have they ever been a victim to how they brought up all they were like is you know they love their dad and they love their mom and they're grateful for them bringing them into this earth and that's something that I've told a lot of people you know I see a lot of people that complain about their parents and their mom about their situation I'll always reference you know my dad and my uncles because they went through such tough times which I don't know how they came through it and all they do is smile and laugh about those times reflect on them and be grateful that you know they had parents that brought them into this earth and made them strong successful and capable man. What did you do after football because I know you've done the reality stuff and then the DJing what was your life like then for that period were you lost? Yeah you know what James I was you know so you want to after the reality period of just after football just after you had that period of reality shows and DJing and partying what was that stage like in your life? One thing about me yeah I've always been out to you know I've always been out to hustle I've always been out to kind of forge something out of nothing you know my problem was I never had any direction so I definitely didn't have any direction in that point you know from being a kid that was always either good at whatever he did and always had a path or you know a route to being to having an end goal at this point I was just kind of lost you know I remember how I got into TV it was really weird I started off it was after football I was in my house I had no money and then I remember like a friend contacted me saying oh should we go out tonight because obviously everyone's worried about me because I'm just in a house being depressed really but not wanting to tell anyone about it so you know my friend said come out tonight I said I can't ain't got no money and he went no I've got yeah just just come out you know you need to get out of the house so I went out on this night James and it was the very first Easter Gretz remember like they were like fags that probably won't even like that and this guy was I'd never ever seen one before in my life yeah and I don't think anyone in the club had because this guy was walking around smoking it and he was like it was like he was like Chris Brown everybody wanted it yeah and I got home that night I was in bed and I thought if I had like 200 quid I'd have gave him 200 quid I had that because it made him that much of a celebrity in that environment yeah and then I thought you know what yeah what's my what's my network I thought it's ballers it's people that want to show off in clubs it's people that want to spend money in clubs it's that's what I used to want to do it's the club scene I thought you know these kind of people don't want nicotine but what do they want they want status and I thought I've got no idea I thought I'm gonna create nicotine free alcohol flavoured Easter Gretz for clubs that's all I like I was searching places where you could meet people that do business on the internet I didn't know what I was doing and then I found like LinkedIn so I made a profile I'm LinkedIn then I found a guy that was local to me that was you know just started my like an Easter Gretz business so I got in touch with him and I told him I said like mate I said I haven't got no money I said I've got really no business knowledge I said well I've got a great idea and a really good network let's talk we end up like we end up you know ordering a hundred of these to try out I went out in the night out sold a hundred in five minutes thousand pound we end up making orders the next minute it's like you know 30 grand in five days and then it's going up and up and then next minute I'm distributing to all the clubs in the UK it went crazy and then it was when X on the beach was coming out no X on the beach was being it was just a it was just up in the air at that point so they they were going around to clubs to cast for people and then my name just kept getting brought up because I was in every single club in the UK I was like the man at the time in the club scene and then they said they wanted me and then you know when I next on the beach and the rest of history in terms of reality be bad boy of MTV you know and I've got that I love the girls and I weren't afraid of confrontations you know I mean I think you you know I think you got thrown in MTV space a lot because they used to people going on the shows and doing things for for the camera whereas if I was pissed off I was going for yeah you know I remember like when I next on the beach MTV James the first one and they were trying to bait me that much that I went that mad that you know I was like fighting and throwing security in the pool to get to this guy and in the end they had to they had to take him out the villa rather than me because they couldn't get me out they didn't have enough security to get me out and then they invited me back on the next series and when it got to the evening time I wasn't allowed to drink and I wasn't allowed to stay in the villa I had to leave and stay in the hotel because because if they wanted to get rid of me after I had a drink they knew they couldn't do it you know I mean and then I remember the last night I just stayed in there and then wouldn't leave and they didn't want no one would take me out and that's kind of what I was like I kind of got to a point where I guess I lost my humility a little bit you know I kind of took advantage of you know the place that I was in and my status and I think for once in my life James I thought you know I've been extremely focused when all my friends were going out when when I was a kid when everyone was partying when I was a teenager you know when I was like 17 18 and people were doing mad ones I was just training and focused then it was a chance for me to just I think explode probably vent a lot of frustration I had going from school you know because I thought no one's going to fuck with me now I never used to pick a fight but if there was one coming my way I would never show away from one I think it was a way for me to like really kind of you know utilize you know wear around to get what I want you know get women throwing themselves out yeah and I think it is a I look back and I think there's a guy in his 20s you know that isn't in a professional career there was no better life than the one that I had because I did what I wanted to do at the time and then I'm really like I'm gonna put up to the gym one day James and um actually started crying outside the gym and so looking back at the last sort of four years of my life and five years and I'm thinking you know I can't really I can't number one remember much of it I'm thinking I built no incredible relationships in that time I thought if I look back what really monumental and impactful have I done and not really much apart from beyond shows and DJ you know and I kind of reflected on who I actually am as a person because you know one thing about me which was horrible is I used to meet people and people would go yeah you're actually a really nice guy you are I thought you were a twat and I'm thinking and then I thought that's what everyone thinks about me and I'm thinking I am actually a nice guy I'm the kind of guy that you know when I go and see my nan I see Doris walking across the road I pull over my car I walk Doris across the road putting my car take it to the shop get a stuff I was a kid that was going into old people's homes and opening jars from when I that that's me as a person I'm a family man I'm a person that loves everyone he meets and I'm thinking and all of a sudden I'm playing this persona I'm being this character which is not really a true reflection of who I am and he was upset and then I thought I need to start changing you know and I kind of like made the effort to change from that point and then I met Sophia and then I decided and I worked really hard James I was I was at a point then where you know I had a few businesses and I was getting up early you know I was getting up at four o'clock in the morning mate and I was working my arse off because I wanted to be in a position where I could tell Sophia Sophia and her mom we are in a comfortable position I'd have a family if that's what you want to do because that I want a family I was the one that said to Sophia on a baby you know she never wanted kids before and I said I want a baby you know and she agreed she thought for the first time in her life she's with somebody that she would love to have a child with and thought was capable of raising a child and we had a we had Azalea brother who was it when she felt pregnant mate I was so excited I I said to her one day yeah and this is God's honest truth and she can tell you the same thing I said to her I looked at her and she didn't look any different I went you need to get a test today and she went what do you mean I said you need to go and get a test so on the way in from work she got a test and come back and I said and she and I was literally waiting at the door for to get back and I said to go in the toilet now and do the test I said well as soon as you piss on it get out because I want to see I want to see the result and then we found out and I remember finding out that she's pregnant and then all night she didn't have a drink she's pregnant and I I stood up in the living room drank whiskey and danced for the whole night like literally till four o'clock in the morning I stood and dance dance and I was the happiest man in the world because I I really wanted a family I really wanted a child I was ready I'd worked hard because that that's who I am you know James I was part people could think I was part of this earth for a lot of things and I was part of this earth war to be a daddy that's what I'm good at I'm great with children and when I'm around children whether it was your kids anyone's kids you will see they get 100% of my attention and effort I'll give everything to the kids that I'm around because they're the most important things in this world to me so the fact that I was gonna have my own family he was incredible my mom my mom doesn't do anything for herself all my mom wants is to be a grandma when I told her Jesus Christ James she it was it was the happiest I've ever seen her you know and you know when I had my daughter bro I felt like my life was complete it's about to have an emergency cc section so for the first god knows how long she couldn't really do anything James you know I worked that hard so I could be 50 50 with Sophia while working I was to get like I said I was to get up I I'd get up in the night and and do the night feeds and then I get up at four o'clock in the morning so I could work for for like four or five hours before they got up and then I'd be getting azalea up and saffl and I'd be doing anything like that and that that was my life I was so happy James it was everything and more to me like it was all I ever wanted and then for the first time in your life to feel like your life's complete and you've got everything you ever hoped and dreamed for to like you know to finding out that your your child's been diagnosed with one of the most rarest and aggressive forms of cancer I can't explain the moment I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you yeah we we got told that we had to go I mean there's a journey and there was a process during you know because it was COVID at the time where we had to kind of fight with doctors to get our daughter seen but eventually you know when we went to the hospital you know I just knew there was something wrong James you know I'm a father's no mama's instinct you always know and and we're in the hospital and they they do my daughter's bloods yeah and from the moment they took my daughter's bloods I stood up I must be standing up for a couple of hours I didn't sit my ass on the chair I stood up because I knew that if they walked in and they told me to sit down there was going to be some bad news so I stood on my feet I stood by the bed I walked around I stood up and when they the you know the doctors and the nurses came you know and they said uh you know you gotta take a seat my fucking heart my heart's beating now my heart dropped you know and then um when they told me that I told me and Sophia that you know Xavier had leukemia and it wasn't just any leukemia it was a very rare and aggressive form of AMR leukemia which is the worst kind you can have uh there was another moment in my life where I was really ashamed because I broke down bro I couldn't function I was lucky and blessed to have Sophia by my side who could tend to my daughter because I couldn't fucking speak I couldn't stand up I didn't know what was going on if I broke it in that moment you know what I mean and from that moment there James of being in Coventry Hospital find out that we went straight to Birmingham Children's Hospital and that was our home then that's where we stayed we didn't go home to get clothes we didn't do anything we just went straight to the hospital my door went straight onto intensive care I mean I don't know I'd have to get on my phone that was the first day at Birmingham Children's Hospital in intensive care see when the doctors came in did you know I did I knew bro did you know about cancering kids no you didn't even deny so I knew something was wrong I didn't I didn't think it was that I thought something's wrong I didn't fucking think it was that when you watch the TV and they tell you one in two people or one in three people are gonna get cancer you look around the room you think geez geez James I didn't even know about childhood cancer bro at that point so I didn't mean it was it's gonna be that serious now when I talk about the things that can mold your life yeah I want to tell you about I'm gonna tell you about this from the point that we got admitted to Birmingham Children's Hospital we were told that azalea you know was high risk of you know the cancer killing her a low risk of any treatment succeeding they didn't think that she would have made it through the next couple of days in intensive care every single cycle of chemotherapy or the stem cell transplant or anything she had to go through they didn't think she would make it through that meant that every single second of every single day for six months I was fearing that my daughter was gonna die every single second imagine how you feel as a put imagine imagine the emotions of that imagine the stress of that imagine the anxiety of that imagine the depression of that imagine the heartache and the heartbreak of that every single minute thinking it's gonna be a last that's why you know I've always been you know a if i'm back to the corner I always always swing out I've always been a survivor I've always been somebody that bounces back that's why you know after that minute you know after that time when I broke down when I first found out by the next morning I said to Sophia like I was like look yeah you know I've been thinking all night you know fucking typical me don't stop thinking and I'm talking to her like this I've been thinking all night you know we can't take the cancer out of his alias body you know we can't take places we can't cure or make it better the only thing that we can do is create the most incredible beautiful strong environment around that little girl and if that's the only thing we can do we are going to do it to the best of our ability I'm talking to her like this like a soldier I'm saying when we walk over this line every day this is club 100 she will not see us sad she will not see us cry she will not see us or feel as being negative I said babies are sensory beings I said they might not understand what we can say but they can definitely sense how we feel so our baby is going to sense light positivity strength happiness every single second that our eyes are open and and and that's what rule we live by you cross that line and you've got to be a certain kind of person because it ain't about us it's about that little girl that's in the room you know and that was a standard that I set from the first day in Birmingham Children's Hospital and it's something that never left till the point where she actually passed away how is that for a father where you've always been kind and controlling your life your decisions and everything around you even the planning of your beautiful daughter but how is that as a father when that gets stripped away from you and then life is out your control where as men we should be protectors protect and just make sure that everything's safe but when that's took out your hands and whatever created this universe then puts that at risk your beautiful daughter how is that when that gets took away from you where you feel as if you can't do anything mate I can't how do I explain that like it's what it's one of the things that how I mean gain the most perspective about life patience hope belief resilience it's what gave me like a positive mental attitude no matter what I was going through because you know I was looking at someone that I care about a million times more than anyone else in this world and every day I'm seeing her in pain every day I feel losing that every day like I am sleeping on a cold floor with the fear that when I promise in the morning the person that I love the most in this world isn't going to wake up with me and however it was always about her so no matter how I was feeling I would be smiling no matter how I was feeling I'll be playing no matter how I was feeling I'd be loving and no matter how I was feeling there would be a positive environment in the room and guess what it was the best thing that ever happened to me because when I look back yeah I was thinking like you know I was trying to be all of these things for her and because I was trying to be all of these things for her you know not only did she only feel and see happiness and love in this world while she was here but she became a certain kind of person that had enough strength enough and enough inspiration and light within her that she didn't only keep me going and inspire me but she bred strength and light and inspiration to people around the world you know I look to that little girl and I you know you talk about lessons James you know talk about lessons talk about strength you know talk about strength I look at the challenges I do I know sometimes I have to look up to my little girl and be like it is daddy again it is daddy moaning you know I can be moaning when you've gone through what you've gone through I used to I used to see James yeah that little girl could have you know could be having chemotherapy for four hours she could have you know a lumbar puncture then she could have a different surgery then she's getting a central line fitted then she's got another central line being fitted then she's got a tube being shoved up her nose and then she's getting this treatment that treatment that treatment yeah change I used to wake up in the morning yeah I used to look to my right my daughter would already be awake yeah my daughter would already be looking at me she'd be quiet and as soon as she seen that I was awake she started smiling from the minute I opened my eyes no matter what she was going through she made my life better no matter what she had to do that day I seen her try and play bro she would sit up all day she would crawl she would grab she would smile she would have energy and she would have energy all fucking day that little girl taught me the true meaning of the strength she taught me how to be strong when I felt weak she taught me the true meaning of courage and bravery she taught me how to be brave when I felt scared and she's showing me that no matter how bad your situation you can always shine like others and make someone else's life better as a little girl I never been taught a lesson in my life by fucking anybody and that little girl taught me the most fundamental life lessons to be in the best person I can be in helping as many people as I can help she taught me that she gave me a quality of life in those eight months I would never have again while I was going through the most trauma I could ever experience I look back at that moment and I feel weird saying it I had the best eight months of my entire life the happiest I've been the most fun I've had the most love I felt was drawing a time when I was also the most scared where I was the weakest where I was the most broken how do you work that out that showed me the importance of how much influence somebody can have on other people's lives I'll wake up in the morning James now I have to show gratitude to God for the eight months I had to be lucky enough to have been given the gift of being that little girl's father and even though I feel like the most luckiest man in the world to have had that happen to me I also feel like the luckiest that I got chosen to have her as a daughter that means that I gained so much in that time being with that little girl that I feel selfish if I don't give it to the rest of the world now my heart is broken but it's filled with that much love that I will share the million pieces with everyone else from around this world for everything that my daughter did for me fucking understand that my daughter is that important and impactful to my fucking life that I refuse to let her birth her time here in her passing being vain and I know that I had to put myself or try and put myself in them shoes James I thought you know what if I passed away because all when I was in my daughter but what I had to do was I didn't know what she thought she couldn't speak for if that was me what would I want when my daughter passed away I thought to myself if I was in heaven watching down on my family would I want everyone to be sad and feeling sorry for myself I thought the biggest way that I could show my daughter how much I love her how much of an inspiration was and how much of an effect she had on me and people in this world is be the best person I can be is do things in this world that no one else has ever done and try and help and save people's lives to show how much she helped and saved mine and that's what I'm going to continue to do for the rest of my fucking life and that's why I wake up in the morning I don't feel sorry for myself I don't feel why me I feel like I've got a fucking job to do it's unbelievable what you're saying bro because my dad was 55 he got down I was really keema he was in remission got stem cells I got a bone marrow and then it came back stronger I got three months to live but if I had that strength that you had then fuck me I don't know what kind of animal I'd been I self-medicated I just got high on weed I wasn't the son of the man in the house I became the weak link I was a soft cunt I went and got full of coke and weed and I used to think oh why is my dad dying at 55 but even listening to your story my dad lived a good life only thing it breaks my heart he passed away a week before my daughter was born and I don't know if that's the circular life or whatever it is but I used to always think why me but then listening to your story I realized my dad lived a life what the fuck have I got him on about and have I had the strain for the courage to say I'm scared I'm broken I'm hurting I just hid behind weed and coke women drink I just had behind the pain I couldn't handle it but I think as well like you know so when I say when I say like you know losing a parent losing a child's different I don't I don't mean it in the usual context of people would think I mean in terms of like it's it's worse if you're not pain's pain yeah what I'm saying is is in you know like there's something about say like losing a grandparent or a parent which means that you know that was always the natural order of the way he was supposed to go however that leaves you focused on what's in front of you with all of that pain left behind you do you understand you have to kind of accept that you've lost your father now it's like who are you without him and that leaves you open to a lot of kind of you know you can you're left to your own devices ain't you know everybody's got choices so it's a what but what I mean is there's not that because I think there's a certain point of growth that at the end of losing a parent or a grandparent where you realize that you still have to continue with your life in your family and everything that goes still ahead of you so it can leave you to you know the decisions of you know do I want to just fuck it off now do I want to do this and in a position of finding yourself again whereas there was there was no point I couldn't I couldn't look at my daughter's life and have any form of peace in the sense of like you know oh she had 50 years or she had 60 years or she had that so there's no point in my life I feel like I'm gonna have a hang up for the rest of my life and I feel like that's what kept me planning forward as opposed to losing myself if you understand I feel like if it was my parent that would have passed away I could have potentially lost myself because it'd be like oh what am I fighting for yeah do you know what I'm trying to say so because we all have those choices to choose paths and routes but you seem to have found that in our strength fast you seem to have found that where your daughter was still alive a lot of people I see I speak to mothers and fathers who've lost their sons five six maybe been drowned on a podcast and kids who went missing they're distraught you see their pain in their face you found inner strength that nobody can fucking ever you can't even buy that shit what you do like I say when you're an inspiration I'm not getting sad because I feel sorry for you I'm getting sad because I see so much strength from you and it makes me realize what the fuck if I've got to be sad for it's like an inner belief that there's nobody can buy that there's no much training or whatever no matter the shit you went through as a kid and losing a test to go and being injured in football kriya that doesn't mean fuck all but to lose a kid is from my own opinions the worst thing that any father can go through in this plan if you seem to have found some fucking strength that where the fuck did it where did that come where do they come from because oh oh oh yeah I want to hold I want to hold her bro I want to hold her I want to smile I want to kiss her I want to dance with her again and I believe that she's in heaven and I believe that she's watching down on me so I believe I need to be a good enough person and do enough on this earth that I can make you up there and that's what keeps me going I feel like I ain't got time to feel sorry for myself I ain't got time to be like a bad and self-destructive person because I want to make sure that when it is my time I got to them gates and I show them my CV and they let me in to be with her again that's the truth and what I try to say to people is when they say how have you got the strength I'm saying who's the person you care about the most James who do you care about the what give me some people you care about your kids in a hypothetical world if someone if you were up if you were here now interviewing me and someone come and talk your kids and put them on the cloud in the sky and you wanted to see him again or you wanted to bring them down you're gonna go to bed tonight and you're not gonna wake up tomorrow and think oh god why did someone take my kids and put them on the cloud you're gonna start grabbing the resources to build a tower high enough to fucking see him again to get them down you're not gonna be thinking why me you're gonna think of the fucking quickest way possible the best way possible the strongest way possible the most consistent way possible to build that tower to put me your arms again and that's just what I'm trying to do I think I don't think everybody thinks that way bro I think you're both different me in the position I'm in now I would I believe I would be I believe I'd push myself to relax streams because believe that's like a sense of self-harming as well the part of me would probably think fuck it I don't care if I go but at least if I'm going and going in the right direction see when your daughter was your daughter not in remission as well how hard was that to see you know she's a fighter you know she's being strong every day you're seeing that bringing that love bringing that positivity how long was she in remission for so I'm not underplaying this I'm you know I'm giving like you know some perspective you know my my football career before every big move I got or before my England debut or before going to the Premiership or before you know going back to the Championship or before signing my next big deal which would have saved my career I got a career threat and an injury which put me out for a long period of time which meant that before every huge peak in my life bang I was brought down to worth below the surface you know what I mean and that was similar to my daughter's cancer journey you know I had the the greatest moment of my life become the dad to find out that my daughter got diagnosed with cancer they told us you know in the first month that you know they didn't think she would make it she well they told us she they they didn't think she would make it through intensive care yes she did they told us that she they didn't think she'd be stronger to make it through the first round of chemotherapy she got through the first round completely disease-free so then the plan was to have two three more rounds of chemotherapy and be in remission after the second round of chemotherapy she relapsed very quickly which made them understand that you know chemotherapy wasn't going to be enough and she needed a stem cell transplant so you're thinking have to fly through the first round she's all good no she's not she's gonna eat this stem cell transplant James you know what I mean however because of a ethnic mix you know and we don't think we'll be able to find a match that's when I went on an outreach you know you know me being me I was at SAF getting the hospital now I'm going over to the hotel I'm going to do an outreach there's 80 000 people in a weekend applied to be my daughters match 80 000 a weekend that's more than both of the leading stem cell companies in the world had him three years put together you know what I mean and then he went on to be over 250 000 now which is going to go go on to save hopefully 250 000 lives or make a difference anyway but back to the story so they didn't think she would they didn't think she'd find a donor number one we managed to get one incredible it was a chord match then they were gonna then they said that they didn't think she would make it through the process of having a stem cell transplant and if she did she would take a long time to engraft and then once she's engrafted they believe she'd have graft graft versus host disease which could be life-threatening as well it was just like give us something give us some more bad news you know so not only did we find a donor but she engrafted really in three weeks they thought was gonna take three months three weeks she was fully engrafted she was a hundred percent donor with no side effects and no gvhd like dream with like typical azalea she defies the odds every single time the sort of saying about this little girl fucking strong bro so then we were at a point where we never ever thought we'd be at at this point they say uh go home you're an outpatient now so you know you come in you know ever you come in every two weeks you get your checkup everything's done so for the first time James after the battles and the battles and the battles and the adversity and everyone thinking that it was never gonna happen we're taking our little girl home she's in remission so we've been at home for for two weeks but you know i always have something in my head i'm like she she needs a lumbar punch you know you need to check you know in the interim you need to check her no no no no we don't do that we you know routine routine is you know a lumbar puncher a month i said you need to check her you know because you know from experience we know that if her cancer comes it comes hard it comes quick it comes deadly and dangerous so they don't uh don't know a lumbar puncher you know they they checked that was something that i requested i forced you know so we go back in two weeks to have um for to bring the bow i don't know if you've you've seen it when you bring the bow i'm remission beautiful moment yeah but as you can imagine azalea was a bit of a celebrity in the hospital so you know all the nurses from the wards came so you know we walk into the hospital you know staff put a nice clothes on i put my nice clothes on we dressed azalea you know azalea always looked beautiful anyway but we dressed her up you know this was a moment that we never thought we'd ever have and um went into the room with the consultant and um you know we we seen some of the nurses that done it as a these little checks and as we're about to walk the corridors already lined james there's all the nurses there as we're about to walk out to bring the bow and go back home the consultant comes in die like she's seeing a ghost and uh it's when azalea is relapsed we're like what and you know what you want about azalea is relapsed and um not only is a lukemi come back she's got tummies in her lungs in her kidneys in her stomach in her spleen and she's in a bad way i said to saff i said um i said to saff and i said to the consultant i said um we're gonna go bring the bow now and we'll come back in after i said she made it to the point when she was in remission i said we got to take her home i said she deserves to ring that bow she deserves the round of applause and once we ring the bow we go into the next chapter but we finish this one off first and give her what she deserves you know so everybody caught wind of it and heard about it and we walked down the corridor we rang the bow and we were in tears everyone else was in tears and from ringing the bow to say that your daughter's cancer free we walked back into the room to see what we're gonna do with the next step and um at that point they they told us that you know we should take our daughter home and i said you you what they said uh yeah we think it's best you take home james i'm saff was saff was like saff was the animal in this saff was like ferocious yeah i was always very patient very calculated i was always kind of bridging the gaps you know and whatever this moment i went i said i said let me tell you something now i said i said i'm patient i said i'm nice and i said i'm easy to get along with i said but understand something now i said she has fought too hard and she has fought too long i said we have fought too hard and fought too long to give up now i said she has fought and defied the odds the whole time and i said and now i'm gonna fight for her and tell you that there is not a fucking chance that we are taking our daughter home and out of this hospital you find a bed for my daughter and you find the next step and the next treatment that you can give her give her to give her another chance at this life that she deserves and i said and i will not take no for an answer so there to find is a bed in the hospital that day and there to come up with another plan we kind of we kind of took things into our own hands at that point you know and um we found you know CAR T therapy which is proven to be very good it's targeted chemotherapy which targets the specific cancer cells um to remove them in the most effective way uh the the bad thing was that you know most of the clinics don't take children under the age of two years old so America was out of the option um China was out of the option because it was COVID so the one place we found was Singapore you know so we we got in touch with the hospital there they agreed to take isalia and then it was always like a tough step because they said that they do haplo transplant so they don't want a hundred percent donor match they want to do a stem cell transplant again with one of their parents and they always choose men it's like for the stem cell registry and this is one thing that all the young men that are listening can listen to what they want for stem cells is they want young men as donors because they are the strongest stem cells everybody can be a match for somebody but they need young men so when they come to the next part the journey and i was going to sing a part i was going to be my daughter's you know my daughter's donor and that was really strange because when you're flying into a country during COVID only one person can fly so what we had to decide was at the time we got accepted into the treatment plan we didn't have no money at this point to do it we got accepted into the treatment plan we had the flights ready saffl is going to fly over first for a month and then I'd fly over after and the reason why saffl would fly over with azalea with me being the donor is because i was a donor they would have to let me in afterwards so that was the only way to get both over there but i you know i was then preparing james for you know i don't know whether my daughter could die and i'm not by her or my partner's side so anyway we you know we we had the treatment secured we were gonna go move to singapore for next year you know and um and then like you know we thought we could do raising some money so that's why you know we've done this campaign on go fund me what actually was meant to happen james was i was supposed to to cycle from Birmingham Children's Hospital to um itv good one in britain to announce that that's what we're doing raising money for my little girl when we opened the campaign it raised like a million pound before i even started it was the fastest campaign on go for me to reach a million pound which was absolutely incredible so i didn't have to cycle um but again you know we raised a million pound guess what we're going to singapore book your flights all of that was done consultant walks in the door um we found tumors on azalea's brain she can't fly um and there is nothing that we can do a lumbar puncture would apply that much pressure that the tumor could explode and kill her instantly um radiotherapy will kill her all the forms of chemotherapy that we're trying to give cancers outgrowing with the chemotherapy and there's no way to get to another country for cardiotherapy um you say you don't own i don't know i don't know what was worse james finding out that she had leukemia or finding out we had to take her home for end of life care because you know what i what i you know the wave that i rode the whole journey was no matter how small it was even if it was one percent it was hope and belief and that one percent was always good enough for me i thought you know give us a chance we'll make it happen when the oncologist is telling you you know it's best for you to take you dot home and enjoy the last moments with her there is no hope or belief left from that moment james my vision went into grayscale that's honest truth i i didn't see color really i it's really strange people always ask me you know you know why do this in pictures you know they're like oh you know you're trying to be a bodybuilder tense you know you're trying to be a boxer holding your fist are you ever seen that picture of my daughter yeah i don't know that was a final journey home to to basically that was a final journey home when they told her that was nothing more they could do and she was in the van and the whole way home she was like this we we um we got home and um they told us that you know she probably won't make it through the night you know we would have a couple of days maximum now at this point james you know when the child's got that that much cancer yeah and it's tearing through her body there is no way to know how your daughter's gonna pass away you got this little bundle of joy and light and you are thinking you know she could have an aneurysm she could have a seizure she could suffocate from the inside with a bleeding out anything can happen how are you how are you supposed to how are you how are you supposed to be able to manage yourself and your emotions in that you've got no one else to help you've got no nurses no doctors so you know we took her home and then you know three days goes by she stood there i put typical azalea a week goes by you know two weeks goes by and then what started to happen james is um my daughter was going through pain and she cried she was crying blood and um she had blood coming out of her ears she had blood coming out of her tears so we ran hospital again and said you need to do um we need a transfusion and i'm so disappointed played it that's it i've got it played it transfusion played it's helps bring the blood back together and they were saying like no big because you know it's going to have no benefit it's not going to save her i said it might not save her but it's going to stop her bleeding out from the inside it's going to stop her suffocating from the inside so we're still taking them for platelet transfusions we thought because at that point james um i had a different kind of hope you know all this journey i was hoping you know that my daughter would survive cancer i was hoping that she would make it through i was hoping that she would grow to be a ripe old age where she could come to my funeral now my hope changed i hope that when she died she would pass away in peace and in our arms that was my new hope so we did everything we could do to make that happen and um and you know uh i just had a had a feeling bro like one morning it was gonna happen and so fear was the same and when when azaleas heart rate was going up you know we chose not to put the monitors on her we were like this is it we don't want this to be any more uncomfortable than she needs to be and um we lay on the bed with her we put her arms around her and you know her breathing started becoming more labored and that kind of breaths and you know and i one two one two three four one two three four five six seven one two three four five six seven eight nine ten and uh she didn't beat the gas to that point see at that stage even though it's the most heartbreaking thing in your life was also a relief that she wasn't in any more pain no i you know i ended up having to be saved at that point the medics had to come in to the room and and kind of it was like a little mini resource and put air and oxygen on me like i i feel like like i said i feel embarrassed about it but i feel like in the moment when she passed away part of me died and left my body i also believed that i was trying to be that strong for not only her but it's a fear and my family during the whole time that when she passed away that like i just didn't need to be strong anymore my body just fucking went into it i had a fucking attack on my body you know i don't know what happened to me um yeah and the medical staff you know came to aid for me um i didn't need to be strong anymore you know what i mean and the crazy thing when that happens changes you know and the crazy psychology behind it is at that moment in time you know i didn't want the funeral directors to come because i i thought it's fine me i'll look after her you know i'll look after her it's fine i'll keep her like this she'll be all right we you know we can wash her and we can put new clothes on her every day and it's fine that i didn't want to let her go i thought we could keep her you know what i mean and uh and then and then you know as a parent you have to think realistically you think now i've got to stop making their plans to bury my child you know and if you didn't think you remember before you had to become one very quick when it comes to that because like i said not only are you trying to make all the funeral arrangements for me i thought she deserves the most beautiful send-off this world has ever seen you know and only that i thought i've got to write words to i've got to write words through extreme pain heartbreak and how am i going to do that but more to the point i've got to write words about the most magnificent human being i've ever bed-witnessed to in my whole life fucking nearly impossible any of that no need for me to do that i've got to stand up and speak it on a day but you have to understand that you know i'd have never been able to forgive myself if i couldn't speak those words on her day and it was the words that i wrote and the words that i spoke on that day that have defined the man that i'm going to be for the rest of my life because on that day i made some promises for the rest of my life you know i'll live up to them or fulfill them and i'll keep them and and and and and james you know i live every every day of my life waking up sad you know i look at the background of my phone it's my little girl i see videos of a pop-up on instagram all the time and i look at myself when i you know when i see my daughter and that's pretty much every night of the week i have to go down to a cemetery a cemetery and sit by a resting place which we make sure is always pristine because if i'm not down there every day sephir is and without doubt my mom is down there every single day that resting place is pristine because that's the standard that we like to keep and that's a place that keeps me grounded it's a place that keeps me humble it's a place which always reminds me of who i need to be and what i need to achieve and it's a way for me to you know still show no respect to my daughter even though i do that every day with my words and my actions anyway and um that's my reality like i said i wake up sad you know i there's never a moment in my day james where i just feel complete happiness and i'm fine with that and this is what i try and tell people you know a lot of people james you know want me well not a lot of people there were some people james that wanted me to go to counseling certain members of my family you know sephir stuff and i've always said i understand how counseling is beneficial to some people i don't think counseling is a bad thing i think it's a positive thing i think for some people it's very necessary not always for others and then people didn't understand me you know what i mean and uh i said someone in my family i said you know all you keep banging on about is counseling i said but after losing a child if i've gone to a counselor for the last three years and i've become the man that i've become now and i've achieved the things that i've achieved i said you tell me to give that counselor some more fucking money wouldn't you know yeah that went exactly i've said to other people i said you know what the reason why i don't want to go to counseling i said is because for the first time in my whole entire life i said i know who i am and i know where i'm going i said none i've done that i know also said yeah someone said about yeah balance out you know outside of outside of you know your fight for isalia and you know what you're doing for these kids where's the rest of your life you know what else have you got that's like 30 percent of your life i went that's incorrect i said that's fucking way more than 30 percent of my life i said listen i said what i am doing now i said is not only to take my door around the world i said it's not only to raise money and awareness for children fighting cancer i said it's not only to inspire people and motivate people who think they can't to believe that they can i said it's mainly realized who the fuck i was as a child bro i always believed i was put on this earth for a reason and for sure now i know what that reason is and i said so a counselor who has never lost a child he's never gonna tell me how to deal with it a counselor that's never fucking 100 miles a thousand miles and don't know this is never gonna tell me a counselor that's never been in a battle every day of that fucking life since they were a kid it's not gonna tell me the person who i need to be because i don't want fucking balance i said i want to be the best in the fucking world and i want to be the best in the world for her and i want to be the best in the world for everybody that needs it and i said so there is no fucking compromise for that and i said and guess what i said i ain't fucking moaning about it and i said an offer the people that are telling me who i need to be and what i need to do in the counselor and i that i need to speak to you can't get off the sofa in the fucking day because all life's so fucking bad so don't fucking tell me anything and just fucking watch me do it i think that's the best way normally i'm pretty good at giving advice but there's no i can't there's not i can't give you advice i don't fucking James i don't know i don't moan about anything yeah you're all right i'll do 18 hours a day seven days a week i'll fucking do i don't moan i don't moan about anything i don't need to see nobody i'm happy holding the pain i have for my daughter because they're the most beautiful times of my life jame it doesn't stop me being a good person it doesn't stop me achieving anything you know sometimes yeah we're all put here for a fucking reason isn't it whether you want to believe so or not whether you want to see it and be brave enough to follow that path or not i'm cool following my path i always say you know james remember the cartoon hercules and him and the little goat man are walking through and hercules goes you know like who it is and he's like all these guys yeah it goes hey herc these are the guys that didn't make it and i just don't want to be that guy as though and i think if you know if god put these challenges in my life i want to show god that i was worthy to conquer him so then in the end i can go to man olympus bro that's it that's what i'm saying i think action's most important thing on this planet is believing it is a must but putting in the actions but 99 percent of people don't do it there's no point in you speaking to anybody and trying to get advice because whatever you're doing is working for you nobody can give you advice nobody's been not many people's been through that trauma if somebody lost a kid maybe you could level with you would understand but anybody try to give you advice it's a fucking waste of time because what you're doing is extraordinary anyway it's hercules shit you're pushing yourself to the absolute limits probably fucking breaking every fucking minute every second that you're cycling canoeing or running or whatever the fuck it is you're doing but whatever you're doing is keeping those voices quieter i'm not fucking screaming when you stop if you stopped that's when the nervous breakdown the source you've been probably fucking hanging from a rope bro if you stop so people try to tell you to go to council slow down and why do you feel like that probably but i wasn't at the point when i was on the bridge or not what happened you know i mean i was on the point when i was on a bridge yeah and without going into too much detail i was on the bridge and i got saved yeah and i wasn't scared i went frantic i was pretty calm and it wasn't because i couldn't handle what life was doing at me it's because i wanted to be with her and then after i got saved i had a reality check that if i did what i was about to do i definitely wasn't going to be with her you know what i mean that was a one-way ticket to being somewhere else i also realized there was a cop out and that if i wanted to really you know extend my daughter's legacy and show how much she means to me i need to be here till i have to go there till i've got my place there and one of the biggest things i realized is by me copping out i would leave on this earth times 10 to multiple different people all the pain that i'm feeling now from using my daughter and i'm not doing it because of something that's happened to me that i can't avoid it would have been my choice i would have passed that pain on to my mom or the past that pain on to my dad or the past that pain on to my grandparents my brothers my sisters my aunties my uncles my cousins i thought i can't do that so when i kind of sat down and fully absorbed the shame of what i was about to do i thought you know what yeah you fucking cunt what are you scared of what's the only thing you're scared of you ain't scared of death what's the anything you're scared of in this world i thought i fucking hate heights i sat there mate i have to be about to commit a suicide bro i sat there at home and i thought what are you scared i was having a conversation with myself i thought what are you scared of i thought i'm scared of heights i'll get Virgo James if i lie if i'm at a balcony and i hold my phone over like that i'm about to drop my phone i can't balance nothing so i thought all right if you're gonna fucking jump you jump properly you pussy you're gonna jump you fucking jump properly so the next week i flew out to Seville and got my skydiving license jumped out of a plane 20 times by myself got my skydiving license and i come back and i thought yeah you did all right there mate tons of crack on that's what kind of attitude i've got even at that point when i'm the most broken i'm like go and do something you most scared about you conquer that you'll be all right and that's what attitude i had and changed my life and it's never something i'll do again you'll never catch me on on the edge again you're like that because i understand it now you know so yeah like because that's what you're known for i've never i've never been a victim of motivational stuff yeah i i i i i know you know yet some people James yeah and some people talk motivation you'll see them they're not they're not people that do it the the great voices that talk about it you know you get some people that talk about making money you get some people that take to go outside and work out you get some people that just like the sound of their own voice you know what became very evident to me when i was in hospital my daughter after losing my daughter and still on my journey now is i'll get i get thousands of messages a day of people that are like i am suicidal i don't feel like i can carry on or you know watching the your your journey with your daughter save my life seeing what you've done in the you kind of after what you've been through we stopped me from committing people turning up to my house james on their fucking knees people in the street that i see groups of women groups of fucking men breaking down in front of me putting my arms around me hugging me like the reason why i talk how i talk is because i believe i have a voice that resonates with people that come from where i come from i don't talk motivation you know i don't try and make people successful and have a monetary you know opinion or focus in life i talk to the people that have been at the base of how a human being can feel and want to save themselves and i know the right tools that are required to do that because time after time in my life and none bigger than the last i've been saving myself i've been recovering i've been i've been climbing and i've not only survived but i've thrived and i know what builds that kind of person i know what's necessary and i want to share it to people that want to listen and do want to save themselves and that's why i carry on and speak and and do what i do and i decide to run hundreds of miles i decided quite thousands of miles i decide to climb mountains and do all this shit so i think that you know if i can go to that kind of extreme you can find the strength to get out of bed in the morning and every wins a win every step step as long as it's in the right direction you know exactly bro but everything you're doing now like you say is extreme you're not just out running a marathon you're doing a hundred you're cycling hundred miles you're cycling you're kayaking how much does that wouldn't say save your life but how much does it then keep you sane and an insane kind of mindset it's the only thing but i i believe in something called daily humbling what's that well for example you know so many people have got problems in this world and i understand that everyone's got their own individual problem and i'm not playing any people's problems down but some people ain't really got a problem you know i even remember after my situation yeah i'd be in home and i'd look at the sofa and i'm thinking i'm fucking out at sofa take nothing on tv the netflix sky disney there ain't nothing to watch i ain't got nothing to do that's when i started my kayaking journey bro because i was doing like 125 mile races or the thousand mile race you know i'd do on a friday after an intense week i'd go down to london either i'd do 26 mile kayak yeah you know in the evening i'd get up saturday morning i'd probably do another 20 miles and then from like 11 o'clock till 7am in the morning i'd do like 35 miles through the night i'd get up sunday morning i'd do another 26 miles right and then i'd drive back on sunday that drive back on sunday was the best driver i've had in my life because i knew i was done you know i mean i'd camp out i'd be somewhere i could sleep by sleeping outside that drive back home was the best drive ever and when i used to get back here i used to look at that sofa and i used to be like fuck yeah fuck yeah i'm gonna sit on you i'd turn on and anything that was on the tv was nice to watch every food that i put in my mouth was enjoyable because i didn't eat as much i needed to eat i didn't sleep in a comfortable environment i worked my ass off fucking all day and all night so when i got back home i appreciated the environment that i was in that gave me like this kind of awareness that you need daily humbling you know if you never test yourself you never step outside the comfort zone you don't push yourself into it an aerial environment that is slightly light and comfortable to be in how are you really going to appreciate what you've got around you do you understand what i mean i'll go to the uconn bro and i'm doing 125 to 150 miles a day on minimal rations on two hour camping on fucking stones with bears walking around me you know what i mean when i get home after that fucking our bed so let's talk about that because that was a massive thing that you done what was that but that's but that's daily humbling yeah people always have a lot of problems but they don't make themselves uncomfortable enough to actually appreciate what's around them i'll get up in the morning bro with daily humbling i'll show gratitude for the family that i've put into i'll show god gratitude for the opportunities that placed in front of me that i have to will for and work for i should gratitude for you know being lucky enough for him to make me the father of zady diamond cane so daily humbling makes you grateful rather than bitter i cannot be bitter in my life to achieve and do the things that i want to do because if i have bitterness it spreads into hatred if i have hatred i can't show and spread all the love that i have in my heart for people who need it if i have bitterness james every time i go to see my brother when we go for a run i see his little girl that's exactly the same age as azalea i couldn't carry on it my other brother's kids my cousin's kids for people's kids i can't do that so that's why daily humbling is good keeps your level keeps you on the ground it keeps you appreciating of what's around you and keeps you working towards what you want to go for so you know listen that's amazing but for the kayak that you just done how hard was that because it was not apparently the worst conditions and there have been bodies and how hard was that and what's the purpose behind that to just keep going you know it was tough i mean listen james i only started doing i mean look i'm 15 a bit stone i'm 15 stone you know i was putting this effort for speed and power you know before you know three years ago i've never done any enjoyment stuff i just felt initially at the time that if my daughter's in heaven i need to be outside where she can see me so i'll just was like a farry scump just running as far as i could and cycling as far as i could and then you know i remembered what i said on that day i said like i said to the top of every mountain to the bottom of every valley along every road across every ocean north to south east to west i'm gonna take you there so then you know like i started running you know running is good you know i ran x amount of distance i'm never gonna stop running i'm gonna carry on running all over the world then i started cycling and i thought yeah you know i've cycled you know so i've cycled across europe i've cycled length of uk done all these things i'll carry a cycling around the world but i'm like i ain't gonna cross on the water and i said i'm gonna do water i said on the day i'm gonna do water so how can i go across water because parts of the world where you can't run on a cycle i said then someone got in touch with me that was ex-military they said about do you come one thousand you know while he said at the time me i'd never been a kayak before i just went yeah amazing didn't even think about what it was or how difficult it was didn't even really look into fact it was the world's toughest surviving joints race i just said yeah i'll get to take my daughter from canada to alaska you know what i mean so then i remember going down to his in london first time i got in the kayak mate it was winter freezing we're fucking tipped over in in 10 seconds in the water the guy thought i was never going to be able to do it i said let's get back in let's get back in let's get back in i was determined that i was gonna do it we did the devices to west minster first which was 125 mile 24 hour race you know i was the least experienced person to have ever done it we weren't supposed to do the race because it was the most dangerous conditions since 1940 when someone lost their life on it and because i was the least experienced pilot they didn't want to let me do it i fucking was on the phone with my paddling partner for two days so i had to make them understand i have to do the race and i will sign any form of waiver that they want because i don't care about if i don't come out the other side i need to attempt it i've done it in 23 hours 10 minutes i was the fastest person who have ever done it in the boat that i did it in you know what's next do you come 1000 the closer that we got james you can never ever fully prepare for this it's impossible but the closer we got started to really understand the dangers of this race and what it's going to take that started taking it told not only on me but everyone from my family nobody in my family wanted me to do it because they understood that you know i'm not an experienced paddler they understood of how dangerous it can be whether you on land with the bears and the wolves or in the waters with the treacherous conditions and the fact that there is no support you know and then all i could think about was you know quitting and i thought i said that i wanted to take around the world with daddy power and when else would i ever get to take from canada to alaska part of the world where 99.99999% of people have never ever seen and never ever will see that's a great place to take it and it's awful i've got to do it so we went out there we've done the briefings james imagine this you're in the briefings the guys x like sas who runs a race he's like look there's no support it goes you know when you get past this point it goes it's past the point of extraction so if you get into alaska that is when the race really starts he's like if your paddling partner dies he's like and you call emergency ss sos he goes they ain't gonna pick you up because your partner's already dead so you even need to leave him or put him in the boat and paddling to a point where you can get yourself home they're they're the kind of conversations that you're having if there is a serious injury they'll pick the injured person up and you'll be left there because they're gonna get one person in the chopper or whatever these are kind of conversations i've paddled this race before there's been bodies there's been this and then you're thinking like fucking hell all right and let's go but in in the back of my head i was just ready to go james and i tell you something that's really mad everything that i do i know from the moment that i agreed to do it till the moment i finished it is growth no matter like if it's me being nervous or you know me working myself i know that it's all growth because i know that no matter what i'm gonna do it and for the moment we started the race james to the end i was not scared once i wasn't worried once there wasn't a point you know where like it all got too much because i knew that i had to finish what i started i knew it there was no other option for me you know there's on day two we were we were up there we were up there with the professional crackers up second or third place we were on day two our steering broke we had no steering bro we we were going like this like that which meant we're paddling probably 15 20 miles more a day than anyone else because we couldn't steer that meant that when one of us wanted to have a rest we couldn't because we had to constantly paddling in the water at that point we should have pulled out the race and quit both of us said not a fucking chance it's mad because i know we were on the bridge and you had the suicidal thoughts see what you're doing now parry is kind of some of them are like suicide missions even though you're probably don't fear death anymore because you know in your own mind that you'll be with your beautiful daughter so see when you're doing stuff like this does parry ever think fuck it if i die or die i don't i don't think in terms of like you want it to happen but if it does you wouldn't care it's not i guess what it is it's not a throwaway comment for me i'm fully aware that while looking at like i'm gonna tell you i'm gonna i'm gonna lead into this yeah so you know next year i'm gonna do something that's never ever been done in the world before it's gonna take three months of seven days a week graft and grind but it'll be a world first it'll be a world record it'll be fucking worth it in the end then 2025 i'm gonna do everest yeah because one of my missions is the seven summits i'll tell my daughter i love her from the seven highest places in the world continent wise yeah i was gonna do everest when i was like 50 or 60 you know 50 because my plan was i thought everest at the seven summits i'm gonna do is the most dangerous a lot you wouldn't go up everest don't come down so if it's at the end and you know i kick the bucket at 50 60 you don't really matter well i sat there and fought to myself i was like you know tomorrow's not promised something can happen to any of us i thought you know if i got cancer in three years time or my knees were shot in eight years time and i couldn't do everest i would never ever be able to forgive myself so guess what i'm gonna do it 2025 and get out of the way then i was like but once you're done the world sufferings of having endurance race once you've done this world first that no one's ever done before and once you've done everest on the bounce what are you gonna do after that i'm like that's the whole fucking point i'll find something even madder and even crazier and that puts me on a completely different level again and my point being is i'm fully aware that you know the level that i'm getting to every time i probably step out there's a chance that i might not come back yeah but the point is every time you walk out on the road on a day-to-day basis you you know your fate is not promised you get hit by a car you get a heart attack in five years time i could pick up an illness any of these things could happen but i guess if you want to achieve things in this world that no one else has ever achieved if you want to raise as much of what i look at a life-saving amount of awareness and funds for children fighting cancer if you want to inspire and get into the minds and the hearts and the spirits of people that are watching to believe that they can you need to start doing things that someone else has ever done if i want to take my little girl around the world if i want to make her proud i am going to show her to the fullest capability of how much she means to me how much i love her i'm going to prove to myself what i am truly capable of and i see is that james we're here once there's one thing for sure in this fucking world is yeah you know you're gonna die you know and you know what i'm trying to say and i'm not looking at james right i was down at my daughter's resting place the other day and everyone was talking about their problems i said look do me a favor i said look up at look up at the stars yeah i said how far do you think an hour away you know i said 15 trillion miles yeah i said you know and that's what we can see i said that means the light that shone from them shone 15 trillion years ago and we're only seeing it now i said so when you look at you know how vast and how grand i said the universe is and that's just what we know about imagine what we don't what makes us think that we are so significant and so important i said we are literally just suspect of dust yeah and we have one opportunity to to leave something on this world that can last for years far beyond you know when we were here we have one opportunity to be able to help as many people as we possibly can we have one opportunity to enhance the people's lives that we love and care about around us we have one opportunity to leave no ghost of potential we didn't reach and things that we didn't achieve in this world so they don't hang around us when we are dead you know what i mean one chance so if we've only got one chance yeah i ain't wasting no days i ain't wasting no time and i definitely ain't gonna not do anything because of the fear of dying or the fear that it's too hard i'm just gonna fucking run it till the wills fall off james and when they do everyone around me will know that i was happy when it happened how is that because i watch some of your videos and you're dancing about and i go fucking good on you because usually when somebody goes through something as traumatic as you do people kind of think you shouldn't ever be happy but do you get that happiness sometimes and burst because when you dance you look as if you're a fucking bundle i join you're right in that moment how long does that last for before the fucking dark clouds comes on and see it's not even that james yeah i'm sitting there with you smiling i'm happy you know it's not i'm not i'm i'm enjoying our conversation yeah and i'm smiling because we've had a connection you know and you've raised a point which i can relate to and makes you feel good because i should smile yeah but one thing that being in the situation the hospital taught me is when i was really happy when i was dancing and when i was doing all these things i was in the most pain i was ever in i was trying to be happy and i was trying to smile for her and that's what i'm trying to do in my life now i try and like i try and enhance the life of everybody who is around me you know and i try and have as much of a good time with them as i possibly can and that doesn't mean that i'm not sad it doesn't mean that i'm not going through a extreme trauma it doesn't mean that my heart isn't broken it means that i make conscious effort every day to live the best day that i can live for myself and for everyone else around me from a daughter that's watching down on me um the main thing is i don't look for you know oh what can i go to eat what can i go for food tonight it's not my birthday on wednesday everyone's trying to get me to go i beef up and my fuck i'm planning being a monster next year like i'm not going to go i beef up i'm my manager knows what i'm going to be working you know i mean and so he's not i don't or i don't search for your libra yeah libra scales these are for top mate balance and that's good good guys leave aside listen most good most compatible in relationships as well but that's it i think i leave us like good people yeah thank you i appreciate that score peels in the other hand fuck me mate my mom's a scorpio mate and she's a fucking psycho mate i don't give a fuck what anybody says i'm not disrespecting her but i can only speak facts she is a not case any scorpio i know they have got that wire i'll miss they are kind of fucking loopy yeah what woman is that uh october i think october november october november it's not long this time yeah but but yeah i mean i mean look yeah james look i try and smile i can smile when i'm happy i can smile through sadness i can smile through heartbreak i think that the main thing is i can say not being it one thing i'm not is a victim i try and live my life to the fullest potential for everybody who's around me who's watching down on me for the people that i'm meeting that can affect and for myself to be the best version i can be so you know if i'm able to smile that day through what i'm feeling great i'm gonna smile if i'm able to dance through what i'm feeling i'm gonna dance you know what i mean and and i'm gonna try and live the the best most impactful and powerful form of a life that i have left as i possibly can how do you when you talk about balance like you say being a libera but how do you then kick on what's the the plans for the future to then leave that legacy and leave that everything you because everything you kind of set your mind to you achieve like everything everything like the mind is so powerful words are so powerful you are what you speak you know this you are what you fucking eat you are what you the world and the earth and the brain i i can't figure out myself i'm very deep person and a few people to try and get an understanding of life and i still i genuinely don't know what the fuck it's about i've got a rough understanding but i'm going to change questions here but what do you think life is um the pathway to heaven or hell i'm pretty simple like that james um not over thank you i'm pretty simple like that i'm a godfair man um i think it's a pathway to heaven or hell i also think it's an opportunity an opportunity to prove to the higher power you know are you worthy of making it up there to be in paradise with the ones that you love the most with it you know there's something that i heard and i can relate to a lot and it and you know i kind of i look at people and i look at some people's lives and they ain't got no troubles you know they might have like you know manufactured troubles or you know things that are affecting them but then good life fair play i ultimately kind of feel sorry for the those kind of people i think you know i think a certain amount of hardship and a certain amount of trauma is necessary to someone's life in order to build character in order to build resilience and in order to pass the tests that are set in life i think if you don't have any challenges in life i think your fate is already determined and i don't think it's a good one i think you know everybody gets tested in life and it's you know who you become as a resort those tests where the where does your channel um where does your channel focus after you've been through pain and it's who you decide you are going to be it's like they say the hero and the villains origin story is always the same but then it's the difference between someone choosing to be a hero or choosing to be a villain as a result of it and i always choose the hero side as opposed to the villain because i prefer to to help with the trauma that i've been set rather than be bitter and cause more trauma to other people as a result of it so i think life is very simple i think you know it it it's a middle ground between heaven and how i think it's an opportunity for you to be able to come on this hearth and you know realize that the world isn't about you and it's about how much you can enhance the quality of others around you and i think when you fully and truly understand that your problems will decrease your self-worth will increase and your quality of life will be much better yeah i know it's one of the happiest moments in your life when you found out your missus was pregnant you were dancing around and i know families always want but all you want but how have you thought about having kids in the future or is it just too painful to think about like i think like i said before james right i think being a dad that was something that i was putting this earth for and everybody around me seems to think the same thing i think the thinking about having a child is very painful but i'd like to feel like i get to a stage where that becomes a reality again because i think it's a thing that i'm best about i bet i think it's the thing that i am best at on this earth but it's something that with a thought of it comes a lot of pain it's something that with a thought of it comes like a lack of understanding and in a bit of a kind of emotion of i don't know how it would be but it's something that with a thought of it i would like to think could be become a reality again in the future yeah it's mad how leaf works and how it's just unexpected whether things are positive or negative and nobody has all the answers i'm never a man who's stuck forwards and i cannot there's no way of even me trying to give you advice because what you're doing is working for you for me and looking up to you and thinking fuck me out because i feel as if i should everything i've conquered and overcome and took the power away from the negatives of my life i still struggle with over eating a not training hard enough because i know i've got the capabilities to keep pushing i understand that but i think you become lazy you become complacent because you think life's going great but then again there's always more to push there's always fucking more to raise the bar and push the boundaries and people look up to you for inspiration because we can all talk like i said before the podcast i talk some shit but then again if i'm understand that how am i not putting the things into practice because your body's your best of it's the most powerful thing and most expensive machinery on this fucking planet we'll clean our house clean our cars but yet the stuff that we fucking consume is poisonous towards our mind and stuff like yeah it's it's mad even when my dad really came in and stuff and the chemo and everything that he went through up listen and see what the nurses do is unbelievable they deserve all the credit they get but i'm not a doctor or a scientist but see when you as times went on i've interviewed people do you ever question like chemo's and stuff and you think is there other avenues that you could do and so i started to go down that natural route like i said i'm not a scientist or a doctor but you see things and you think fuck me i wish i'd have tried that as a possibility did you ever overthink that as well because all the stuff that's out there i think i think definitely prevention is better than cure i think there's definite ways that we can change our lifestyles to try and put these things at bay i don't think you know there's anything naturally maybe that if it if it's going to come to you it won't come to you i'm not sure however it kind of changed when you know i found out that so many children are getting cancer because i don't really know what differences we could have made for a child you know like if you got cancer in your life you think i've had it if i if i got cancer now i thought you know i could have been living wrong for last 32 years maybe i should have done something different but of a child of two months old to get cancer i don't really know what naturally we could have done more and also because of the aggressiveness of her illness it wasn't something where you know you've got three years to live it's something that if we didn't take her into hospital when we did she'd have had three days and either wiped her out so naturally is there anything that could have intercepted that with it being so aggressive apart from chemotherapy i don't think so at the time what i think it is a massive key like anything james you know we had you know something called covid and then then we created whichever way you want you want to say it they created a vaccine that was accessible to every single individual in the world within a couple of months right now my point is childhood cancer received less than three percent of cancer research funding less than three percent yet it's the biggest killer of our children in the UK by far so my point is it's the biggest killer of children so anyone under the age of 15 cancer is the biggest killer but it receives less than three percent of cancer research funding now the effect that that has it means that there is no talent no new talent and no new research going into that space which means that most of the treatments that these kids get are adult treatments now you wouldn't even give an adult a normal milk that you buy from the shop but you're giving a child adult chemotherapy now when the children have this chemotherapy you know you either have results where you know it doesn't cure them or if they do go into remission they end up with life-lasting repercussion life-lasting detrimental effects you know effects with their skin effects with their with their brains effects with their bodies effects with their organs things that they have to fight with for the rest of their life because the treatment is so toxic now that is never going to change unless more investment in the system is changed towards these kids what a lot of people actually don't know is that you know adult treatment for children is very toxic but researching to childhood treatment every single time goes into the adult sector after which is really beneficial for adults what's the survival rate for chemo for kids do you know what it is because it's not just chemotherapy there's you know there's radiotherapy there's the stem cell transplants there's all these things and depending on which type of cancer you've got it's different but it's not enough it's not enough and and that's why I like kind of we're trying to change the narrative mate I mean look cancer is not nice for anybody and I hate cancer and I am a fighter for any single person in this world that would have to fight cancer you know I'll I'll try and make steps and the beauty of fighting for children is the fact that any steps forward that we make with children can go into adults as well I think the main thing is you know I find out that my dad got cancer he got diagnosed um last Christmas and yeah and it hit me but you know I looked at my dad and I know I'm like man why were you talking I'm 60 years age but I've had a good life you know I mean you know I'll be up there playing with he weren't he weren't too rocked about it but I thought my dad's had 60 years on this planet he's been a boy he's been a father he's done everything he wanted to do there's something about you know a kid that gets cancer which really really shouldn't happen you know and you know that's why we're trying to make steps forward with the azalea foundation mate I mean for charity in its infancy I mean we gave over 750,000 last year alone you know we're we've got the azalea care network which is partners with great almond street UCL Oxford University Oxford Pediatrics Birmingham Children's Hospital University of Birmingham we contribute to equipment we contribute to research we contribute to trials and then recently we've set up the azalea phd fund which we believe is going to have the most and the biggest impactful change in the child of cancer space by bringing new talent and research there new leaders in in that space by you know funding phd's which are highly educated consultants and putting them in that space and also funding the research that they can develop after that and so we do it we're doing a lot and we still you know what we still do even though even though it's not going to have a long-term effect in changing the future for children who are fighting cancer we still donate to individual cases of people that can't access treatment on the NHS because we realized how important it was when we got a second chance of hope as well do you know what I mean yeah and it's the people are amazing on this planet and we talk about the world in destruction in Turnmoyle but when there's catastrophes or disasters humans are always at the forefront wanting to help like human beings are ingrained in you to help people and be a better person like listen years and years of fucking programming and conditioning it fucks up in life especially when there's alcohol and drugs and fucking nicotine and all the shit foods and it fucks you up but genuinely humans are good we're good fucking people man and that's the beautiful thing especially the support that you got was fucking unbelievable and people who came forward to help well it's second to none and everything you're doing for such a short period and using that trauma and pain honestly I can't even put into fucking words what you're achieving and what you're doing and people changing their lives and like I'm taking inspiration from it there's not many podcasts I go I just go okay I just kind of get robotic mode and do my job but that's a kind of took it in and understood it and understand your pain and your struggle and what you've gone through to keep pushing and keep trying to get yourself to live and keep your your daughter's name out there in memory because that's what keeps you alive is just try to do the right thing and take her name all around the world you're already doing that you're fucking already doing and it's unbelievable for them raising money and try to help other kids because you've been there and lived it no matter what anybody says you're living it and you're I don't know how the fuck I genuinely don't know how you go every day I genuinely don't whatever you've got ingrained in you it's for the fucking gods or you talk about hercules or whatever there's something in your blood that's making you go through that how you've dealt with those cards and played them and thought fuck it I'm going to go running I'm going to go cycling I'm not quitting I'm taking my daughter's name all around the world I'm telling you there's not many people who do that but a handful of people all around a net billion people on this planet it's fucking how you're still here is is beyond words I genuinely don't know that I have 400 interviews and I've never shared that here and I've heard some fucking hard-hitting stories today I cried and I thought wow unbelievable and I'm proud of you man and I'd support you any along any fucking journey that you're doing I already appreciate it I genuinely do man like for anybody that's watching it's maybe in a struggle right now what advice would you have for them you don't need to be a hundred percent every day as long as you can find one percent that one percent each and every single day will get you through the next hour will get you through the next day will get you through the next week it's not important to be to feel to act 100 percent what's important is showing up and if you keep showing up and you keep enjoying that pain you begin to find out how strong you really are and you start to understand that all these thoughts in your head that you feel like you can't will turn into the fact that you can I would say that you know you are in pain so you might as well come out of that corner swinging and fight for a better day tomorrow for a better future I would say that for anybody that hasn't got a purpose at the minute you know your purpose will always start with yourself work on being a better individual work on building yourself confidence and building yourself worth go and train go and step outside your comfort zone go and challenge yourself and when you've got to the point where you realize and can see that you are a better person you are capable and you are competent and been able to do what's necessary see how you can affect someone else's life in a positive way whether you decide that you're going to make one person smile every day whether you think you're going to help the quality of someone's life every day or whether you think you want to go all out and be able to save someone's life and if you do those two things make yourself better and when you are better try and make someone else better you really understand the true meaning in the life and the quality of yours will go through the roof and lastly James one thing i do want to say is you said something about people i want to say that you know during my journey you know it made me look at the world in a different way you know i always seen the world as quite a cynical and quite a bit of place and when everybody got behind me and my family and especially my little girl i realized how beautiful the world is and the people that are in it i always say that this journey you know was inspired by isalia but it's really powered by the community and the people that are behind us and they became a second family to me and i will thank everybody from the bottom of my heart i will continue to work for everybody with all the energy that i have and i will continue to try and spread as much love into this world for the love that these people spread spread to me and i want to say a massive thank you to my family because without my family i couldn't be here and i couldn't do what i'm doing and you know thank you to you for giving me this platform to speak today about my daughter about my journey and about my life you know hopefully it can help somebody yeah it's unbelievable just before we finish up what's your plans for the future plans for the future did you just love day by day no i've got plans James you know like i said before i want to leave a legacy in this world i want to achieve i want to be all i can think about is being the best person that i can be and achieving things in this world that no one has ever done and contributing to kids with cancer and people that are struggling with their mental health in the most magnificent and monumental way possible you know and anything that i can do that that follows in that direction or that leads me down that path or has that specific end goal i will fucking charge it i'll run at it i'll smash through that wall to get to so i will go through all the pain to make other people's life easier i will do the things that i can do for the people that think they can't and so i just want to like i want to do the seven summits james i want to tell my daughter i love her from the seven highest places in the world i want to conquer the world in terms of paths roads mountains and waters to take my daughter to every square meter of this planet i want to to raise a life changing amount of money for children with cancer i want to make everybody in this world know that childhood cancer is not rare and our children are worth more than three percent i want to change the narrative that is behind it and fix this broken system and i want to inspire as many people on the way to realizing that not only can they survive and they are strong enough to survive but they are strong enough to thrive impact the lives of everyone else around them on their way like i just want to be here and make a difference so in the end james i've done enough that when i'm taking my last breaths all my family can sit around me with a smile on their face because they know that i'm happy where i'm going and i believe that i've done enough in this world to get me there that's what i want to do i think brother about you're already doing enough your family already love you know that if you're in the seven peaks of Battersea Park make your daughters with you every step away whatever it is you're very spiritually connected you're very however you're very well protected anyway so this is only the beginning of your journey everything you went through i believe this is only chapter two i believe whatever you're going to do for the future i can't wait to see it and it's going to be fucking spectacular and i'll be watching from the sideline brother ash god bless you brother thank you for the time man yeah i genuinely wish you all the best for your future and can't wait to see what you do brother let's go champ as they are i love you