 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Rousse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Most domestic problems start over a trivial matter. Today, Phil learns how much trouble a man can get into by just sitting down. Not about that later, but first a word from RCA Victor. This Christmas, the most thoughtful present anyone can give is an RCA Victor television superset, a superset like the Covington, for example. It's the gift that keeps on giving, one that brings into any home a tremendous amount of pleasure and entertainment all year round. The Covington is a richly-styled traditional console that will match any room setting. This 17-inch superset has beautifully grained doors and comes in a choice of fine finishes. On its big screen, you'll see the clearest, strongest pictures ever. That's because an extra-powerful new circuit system brings you television with picture power and the best reception possible wherever you live. So buy the Covington in time for Christmas, and when you do, ask about a factory service contract. When you buy RCA Victor television with RCA Factory Service, you get television's greatest combination, offered by RCA Victor, cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Phil has spent all morning in a business conference at NBC. It is now one o'clock, and he has just returned home a very tired man. Oh, Alice, these business conferences are murder. All they do is talk, talk, talk, yakety, yakety, yak. I'm so tired of hearing people talk. Well, then just take it easy and relax, dear. I'll tell you what, you sit in your easy chair and I'll finish reading your book to you. Oh, thank you, honey. Just wait till I get comfortable. All right. Ah, there. Go ahead and read. Right. As he quietly tiptoed out of the briar patch, Uncle Wiggly came face to face with Brown Box. Is he a good man or a bad man? A bad man, dear. Golly, then Uncle Wiggly is in a predicament. Well, come on, Alice, read some more. Gee, this is exciting. I can't wait to. I just can't wait to hear. Come back later, Uncle Wiggly's in trouble. You can have been dead before you rang that bell. Come in. Alice, why do you have to- How do you do? I'm sorry to intrude, but I'm your new next door neighbor. I just moved in. I thought it'd be nice. We got acquainted. Well, my name's Mrs. Stewart. I'm all the way from Iowa and this is my first trip to California. I love California, don't you? Well, I- Of course you do. How can you help loving it? It's just an ideal climate, especially for raising children. Do you have children? I have four. Two boys and two girls and three cats. Where's she plugged in? We drove out. You know, my husband's a salesman for Finster and Fine Shriver. They're the world's largest manufacturers of blue thread. Do tell. I'd be glad to. You should have seen all of us driving. We were driving at small coupé. My husband, the children, the cats, to a Persian one, Siamese. Oh, I thought Tabby would throw a fit. He's usually very playful, but the trip was too much for him. Oh, Tabby, is he Persian or Siamese? No, I reached. Tabby's my husband. Is he a good mouser? You love Tabby. He's just gobs of fun. He doesn't have a single fall except one. He smokes in bed. Someday he's going to set fire to something. I think I know who he has in mind. Look, you'll have to excuse us, lady, but we were just reading. Good for you. There's nothing like reading to broaden your mind. Well, only last night Tabby went to bed early and I was sitting around scratching George's stomach. Hold it! Who's George? One of my cats. For a minute I thought this was going to get entertaining. I have a lovely home, Mrs. Harris. Well, thank you. It's so tastefully furnished. Every piece you have is simply exquisite. You know, if I were you, dearie, I wouldn't change a thing. Not a single thing except that chair. Ug. What's wrong with this chair? It's my easy chair. I picked it out myself. I knew it! Leave it to a man to mess up a room. Men are so stupid. Imagine putting a chair like that in a room like this. It's a disgrace to spoil such beauty with a decrepit looking object like... like... Mr. Harris, why are you walking around me? Keep talking, I'm just looking for the handle. What handle? There must be some place they crank you up. Oh, you sound just like my husband. He's always saying silly things like that too. Oh, dear, look at the time. I must be going. My husband's taking me to the doctor for my throat. What time is the cutting? Well, I'll have to be running along. Oh, by the way, if you want to replace that chair, call my decorator, Mr. Conrad. He's excellent. Well, goodbye! Goodbye! What do you think of our new neighbor? Well, I think she has a lot of gold criticizing my chair. After all, Uncle Fred sent it to me, and he has wonderful taste. You remember Uncle Fred? He sells baloney cases to Fred and Rabbit. He's the one that's married to the girl with the ladder back and the piano legs, but she's so cute. I think she's just gnarling. You better stop talking like that, or you'll strain your vocal cords. Strain my vocal cords? Your vocal cords, Heinz, should have his pickles as well cured. Stand back and listen. I always meet them and leave them and cheat them and love them and break them and ride. I just call up to tell you that I'm rugged but right. My house was built with pawn shop tickets, red, white, and blue. My clothes were made of tiger skins right out of the zoo. I got a lot of money in the bank. I made it myself. The hearts of all my girlfriends lying right on my shelves. The girls all turning whistle every time I go by. But I'm pretty darn particular. I'm telling you why I'm in there wheeling and dealing and really appealing and high as a kite. Come on, let's fly together cause I'm rugged but right. Cause me plenty worry, put some gray in my hair. You got the lips that sunk the ships of England, France and Peru. But I'm just like Napoleon cause you're my waterloo. I'd like a 15 minute animation in your fold V8. Love to make it longer but I got a late date. My morals have always been gone with the wind so let's breeze it tonight. I just call up to tell you that I'm rugged but right. Overdo it cause I really overdid it last night. I think Mrs. Stewart is right about your easy chair. It looks awful in this room and I'm gonna get rid of it. Don't you dare. I'm warning you Alice, you as much as touch that chair and I'll disinherit you. I'll cut you off without a penny out. No one in this family that don't make sense. All right Bill, I'll compromise. I won't get rid of the chair, I'll just have it recovered. But Alice, I don't want it recovered. I like it the way it is. I'll get that. Fine thing, it's the only comfortable chair in the joint. It's my favorite seat and now she wants to... Hiya Curly. Oh hello Frankie. How are you? I haven't seen you looking so low since they raised the price of bobby pins to a quarter of a card. If you had my troubles you'd look low too. What's the matter? Alice wants to have my seat recovered. Why recover it? Just wear a longer jacket, nobody'll know. Wait, I bought my easy chair. Why don't you have them both done at the same time? Get a discount on it. I'm in no mood for jokes, I'm unhappy with Alice. If you're unhappy with your wife why don't you tell her? Well it's not that important. I think it is. After all you're my best friend. I'm not going to have any woman treating you that way. You're the salt of the earth. Hello Frankie. Don't hello me you old seat recoverer you. What's the matter with you? Go ahead Curly tell her. Tell her what? How much you hate her? How you've suffered through the years living with this shrew or constantly nagging. Remly would you cut it out? I'm not finished. And another thing Miss Faye. My name is Mrs. Harris. Not for long. We're getting a divorce in the morning. Our lawyers will call on you to arrange the financial settlement. Curly gets half of all your money. Now wait a minute Remly I don't want half. Alice don't pay any attention to Frankie. I don't want a divorce. I just want you to leave my chair the way it is. Oh but Phil it's an eyesore. Well I'll leave it to Frankie. Frankie take a look at Phil's chair. Tell me honestly. Isn't it horrible? On the contrary I think it's very attractive. I love the way the faded green leather is offset by the brown cigarette burn. And the way the horse hair stuffing entwines itself through the chicken wire that holds the third arm on. Now wait. It gives it a certain air of studied sloppiness. See Alice he's crazy about it. Oh Phil I'll tell you what. I'll call Mrs. Stewart's decorator and we'll leave it up to him. If he agrees with me I'll change the chair. If he agrees with you I'll change the decorator. I'll go call him now and have a go. Wait a minute Alice that isn't fair. See what's happening Remly? Being railroaded. Her decorator ain't gonna like it. Maybe hers won't. But yours will. What do you mean mine? I know a decorator. Oh no. I'll get him over here and he'll say anything we want him to say. Well who is this guy to you good decorator? Good. He's the one who did my apartment. Oh. Somebody did your apartment? Of course. How do you think my furniture got arranged the way it is? I thought your stove exploded. Helped a little. Now Curly this guy's a great decorator and Alice will have respect for what he says. We'll tell him to rave about the chair and he will. You wait here I'll call. Okay. This will fix Alice. I'll show her that I know her. Well Phil I call Mr. Conrad and he's coming over. When'll he be here? Right after my song. You little pixie. What are you gonna do your soul undecided? You say you do. And then you don't. You say you will. And then you won't. So what are you gonna do? First you say you do. Then you don't. Then you say you will. Then you won't. You're undecided now. So what are you gonna do? And when you say you'll say that's when you'll go. You're undecided now. now so what are you gonna do I've been sitting on a fence and it doesn't make much sense cause you keep me in suspense and you know it then you promise to return when you don't I really burn well I guess I'll never learn and I show it if you got a heart and if you're kind don't keep us apart make up your mind you're undecided now so what are you gonna do it seems that you keep slowly driving us crazy we can't make head or tail out of you my mind's gone bad I feel that every no exactly just what to do what are you gonna do first to say you do and then you don't and then you say you will and then you won't I'm undecided now so what am I gonna do and then it's no when you say that's when you go I'm and it doesn't make much sense cause you keep us in suspense and you know it then I'll promise to return when you don't we really burn well I guess I'll never learn and I show it if you got a heart and if you're kind don't keep us apart make up your mind you're undecided now so what are you what can I do for you how do you do my name is Conrad oh I'm so glad you were able to come Mr. Conrad Mrs. Stewart told me you're a good decorator good madam I'm the best if you'll just bear that in your little blonde mind at all times we'll have no trouble what is it you want done please well I want your opinion on something in the living room follow me please here we are now what I want you to do is I should decide for myself what's wrong let me see now I don't think that move it who is this oh I didn't see you standing there Phil I want you to meet Mr. Conrad our new decorator Mr. Conrad this is my husband how do you do I know quiet please and lie down on the floor you're obstructing my view of the room where was oh yes that I would suggest over here you put oh no what's wrong that horrible monstrosity in the corner there what is that broken down object what do you call it Ramley a Ramley I don't know what that is but I would suggest you cut off the legs and we make a lamp out of this curly I got a feeling I'm not gonna be happy with this Mrs. Harris we're going to make a lamp out of this you're going to have to kill it first Mr. Conrad there's something wrong with this room and I want you to tell me what it is I'll just allow me to look around and I Mrs. Harris what who put that dead horse next to the radio that's my easy chair and I happen to like it well I don't Mr. Conrad he sits in that horrible looking thing every night and it spores the appearance of our living room it does not well we soon find out Mr. Harris would you mind sitting in your chair I'll be glad to there how's it look oh Mrs. Harris I'm afraid you're wrong I am oh yes it isn't the chair that spoils the room it's your husband he's completely out of place with the motif I suggest you keep the chair and get rid of him wait a minute you want my wife to get rid of me what it'd be much cheaper than redoing the whole rule frankly that chair is impossible has no no style what are you talking about it's a genuine drunken fight I've had this chair a long time and I think it looks good right where it is well that's only because you're accustomed to it you see when you live with something for a long time you get used to it and you don't see it's false for example I've been living with you for 10 years and I love you but a lot of people can't understand what I see in you an excellent simile mind yeah we could replace him with a Swedish modern well why don't you give in the decorator says the chair isn't right for the room that's what your decorator says but I've got a decorator coming over and let's see what he has to say first you had the audacity to invite another decorator I'm not tolerated well he's coming over and you can't stop them perhaps not but if he so much steps into this room I shall spit right into his eye it's Frank Nelson no Nelson oh I know that charlatan what did he ever decorate he did my apartment what else did he decorate Joe's bar and grill the skid row pool room in a city dump and he did such a good job you can't tell one from the other mr. Nelson happens to be if that must be him now come on Curly will I man wait a minute Remli did you tell mr. Nelson what to say Curly it's all set I told him as soon as he gets in the house he should start raving about your chair hello mr. Nelson just like when you get in the house yet yet no impetuous me I do like your enthusiasm mr. Nelson now look this is supposed to be for my wife's benefit so be sure to do the same thing for her oh yes it is mr. Nelson I want you to meet Mrs. Harris what a lovely wife get her I want to get one just like her please when you're ready to get in the living room come on follow us now look mr. Nelson you see we want your opinion on something and I'm not going to tell you what it is but soon as you walk into the living room it'll hit you right in the eye here we are mr. Nelson one of your competitors is here mr. Nelson I believe you know mr. Conrad yeah are you still redoing the LeBrayer top here mr. Nelson your presence here while I'm on the job is unethical you're guilty of conduct unbecoming a decorator and as president of our union I shall thank you to turn in your fabric swatch book you lay one finger on my swatch book and I'll walk all over your wallpaper samples with my bare shoes you'll do and I'll take your color blending guide Mr. Nelson as long as you're here I want you to give your honest and unbiased opinion on a certain piece of furniture I can't do well why not I have to tell you what your husband's paying me to tell you what a fair all honey will you stop look my guy likes it your guy doesn't like it and I think that it's Julius say Phil I'll make a deal with you we'll let Julius decide about the chair oh you picked a good decider he wouldn't like anything that belonged to me if it was made out of his mother this we won't even tell him it's your chair oh Julius Julius come in the living room here I am miss Faith what do you want well Julius we want your opinion on something now tell me honestly what do you think of that chair you mean all right kid don't get hulky what do you really think well after the first shock it don't look bad you think it's beautiful don't you I wouldn't say that but it looks better than the rest of your crummy furniture my young man this furniture is not crummy CD perhaps but not crummy it's neither CD or crummy it only looks that way because it's cheap now wait a minute I bought this furniture when I married Alice I picked it all out myself and I got some very nice pieces here yeah they are nice pieces when are you gonna put them together I don't stand for anymore this Alice you're gonna stand there and let them knock the furniture that I bought you well what do you mean well well it was bought ten years ago and it's not new anymore now everybody's against me no no I'm not curly I'm on your side it's about time you started coming in where you've been now Remly you don't think there's anything wrong with this stuff do you of course not there's nothing wrong with this furniture that a good bonfire wouldn't cure thank you wait a minute you ain't burning my furniture then we'll send it to the Salvation Army wait wait I have an excellent idea let's let's redo the living room it's just the living room don't be a piker let's redo the whole house oh splendid I'll decorate it in Italian Renaissance are you crazy this room just screams for Chinese modern I don't want Chinese modern please this room is going to be Italian Renaissance Chinese modern now look I don't keep out of this Mac this is my house and I have something to say about I'll go in the other room and say it but I don't know what are you trying to prove heads in this room I like French Provincial Harakoko well we can't tell with all this furniture in here the thing to do is get rid of everything in the house and then we can decide splendid suggestion I have my truck outside let's start carrying things out I'll clear the living now wait a minute out of the bed don't touch my chair but fellas you can't take things out until we have your furniture we'll order that today you'll have it in no time let's hurry this time I've been this empty house days since they took out our furniture and all we've got left in the whole house is my easy chair and some old echoes I'll come them decorators didn't take my chair too they refuse to touch it without rubber gloves oh Alice this is all your fault you started the whole thing and I'm gonna tell you fill fill please don't take on me it's late and I'm I'm awfully tired fill dear will you do me a favor and move your chair to the bedroom tonight nothing doing I'm using it you can sleep standing up like you did last night we'll be back in just a moment if you're wondering what to give someone for Christmas and trying to think of something different here's the solution give the gift that keeps on giving an RCA Victor 45 automatic record player it makes a wonderful Christmas present one model in particular is perfect for everyone and that's the Victrola 45 table phonograph with its own speaker this phonograph is complete within itself and you've never heard recorded music brought to you with such true-to-life quality so free of distortion what's more if you buy the economical Victrola 45 table phonograph now you receive at no extra cost over $6 worth of RCA Victor hit record albums in fact over $6 worth of record albums are yours for the purchase price of any RCA Victor instrument that plays 45 records exclusively so take advantage of this terrific Christmas offer brought to you for a limited time only by RCA Victor folks this is Phil again I hope you've remembered to buy Christmas seals and use them on all of your outgoing Christmas cards and packages the big reason that tuberculosis is not the menace today that it used to be is due to the funds provided by your purchase of Christmas seals don't let TB stage a comeback use lots of Christmas seals this year thank you and good night everybody good night everybody this program is produced and directed by Paul Phillip included in today's cast for Lois Corbett, Hans Conrad and Frank Nelson remember whether you're buying a television set a radio a Victrola phonograph or records put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for regeneration RCA Victor were leader at radio first in recorded music first in television next theater Guild on the air stars her own power on NBC