 The makers of Wrigley's Fearless Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life, Life with Luigi, a comedy show created by Si Howard and starring a celebrated actor, Mr. J. Kelnash, with Alan Reed as Pacoale. The makers of Wrigley's Fearless Chewing Gum are glad to bring you Life with Luigi because they feel it's a friendly, good-natured show that offers you relaxation and enjoyment. And they'd like to mention the fact that their product, Wrigley's Fearless Gum, offers you relaxation and enjoyment, too. It's pleasant to chew on a smooth piece of Wrigley's Fearless Gum for you working, shopping, listening to your radio, or doing just about anything. Wrigley's Fearless Gum tastes good. It's refreshing, and the good easy chewing gives you comfort and satisfaction. Now Wrigley's Fearless Gum brings you Luigi as he writes another letter describing his adventures in America to his mama Vasco in Italy. Wrigley is a bigger business, advertising a business. Everywhere you go, you see advertising, and the ones I like the most are the ones in the magazines that tell you how you make a lot of money easy. They say become a rich overnight, a digger for oil in your back yard. Then become a rich overnight, make an Indian a blanket. Then become a rich overnight, learn to meet the cutting in your living room. Well, when the Obama could stay up at three nights, I'm gonna make a fortune. Is that an advertisement to say make $100 a week, become a secretary of stenography? Then I leave the morning, I'm gonna say it's no good for me, it's only for somebody who's got a short the hand. Somebody must have foolish advertising, but I'm gonna say, Mama Mia is the one that's to say, we sell you fans who want to pay it off. Mama Mia, isn't it stupid? How am I gonna look at walking in the street, to one of my friends who want to pay it off? In America, bigger companies have got a big advertising and little companies have got a little advertising. All I'm gonna for you is my name in the front of the book. And I'm aware of the moment because the front of the book has come out and I'm gonna see my name. All the ways my name is a button and a base. But this year I'm gonna take a button and a base because I've got to get in the push of Mia's thing. I'm gonna kind of believe a front of the company would do this. So I'm gonna go to my next school to teach you Miss Pauling and ask her, maybe she's gonna help me get a push to back. All right, class, class, I'll call the roll. Mr. Basko? I'm here. Mr. Howard? Yeah. Mr. Olson? Yes. Mr. Schultz? Mr. Schultz, you're here, aren't you? Mr. Schultz, please, you're very funny and it's not necessary to take a bow after each joke. Now class, our lesson for today is grammar. Mr. Basko, you have your hand raised. Well, Miss Pauling, I'm looking at the telephone book, but I'm not there. Paul? Tell me, Miss Pauling, what do you think I'm gonna be? Basko, why are you getting asked? Well, the terrible thing is that happened, Miss Pauling. Last year, I was able to get a button and a base. But now I'm looking at the book, a button is a look and a base, and a base is a look and a button, but in the between, nobody's a look and a Basko. And I don't think that- Stop, Louise, who are you for shimmering? Mr. Basko, will you please hold your problem until after class? We'll get on with our grammar lesson. Now, who will volunteer to conjugate the verb to C? Well, as usual, I will have to volunteer. There goes the teacher of pop. Mr. Schultz, thank you for volunteering, but I'd like the others to try first. Mr. Horowitz, will you try? All right, I volunteer. I conjugate the verb to C. C, solve. C, solve. C, solve. The whole of it, stop already, you're making me dizzy. In the show, you're disrupting the class. Let me hear you conjugate C. I see you see he see she see she see you see they see. Yes, that's very good. Good, that's perfect. Yes, yes, it is, it's that. You should tell you the truth, it was a lucky guess. All right, all right. Now, Mr. Olson, will you conjugate the verb using a subject like Mary? I am very happy to. I see Mary, you see Mary, he sees Mary, she sees Mary, he sees Mary, you see Mary, they see Mary. Mary should put down her window shades. So please, that was very good, Mr. Olson. All right, Mr. Basko, now you may conjugate the verb of your own. I like it. I'm a nothing a phone a book a his a nothing a phone a book a she's a nothing. Mr. Basko, don't forget, you're not in the phone, but that's what I'm going to tell you before, but do you know what to talk about it? Oh, what a dumb cop, there is Mary standing with the window shades up and Luigi wants to go to the phone company. And unless you're the, I'm a no one to go to the phone company because I'm a no citizen. And I'm a no one to get in trouble with a big company. Ah, don't talk like that, Luigi. If they forgot to put your name in the telephone book, you got to go right now without delay, like we say in the delicatessen business. You got to strike while the corn bead is hot. Luigi, are you sure you don't know the telephone company and the mommy? What's up, sir? I say, are you sure you don't know the telephone company and the mommy? No, no, it's either way around, they are on me. What do you mean, Luigi, they are on me? Well, how I was supposed to see you is I'm going to make, I'm going to know how to work with the telephone a book. And instead of putting it in a nickel, I would always have put it in the five of pennies. Mr. Basko, we're spending a lot of the classes valuable time. I'm sure if you go to the phone company, everything will be straightened out. Well, thank you, friends, for your advice. But you sure there's going to be no trouble, huh? Of course not. Oh, for a penny. But Luigi, what if there is? What, what can they do to you? Can they hang you? Can they shoot you? Can they throw you into jail? Sure, sir, can they? How should I know, am I a lawyer? My friend. Oh, Luigi, hello, hello. Kind of, excuse me, I'm going to go someplace, sir. What's your hurry, little banana nose? Well, come on, am I with the telephone company? I didn't know what to do, so I'm asking Mr. Follings for advice. Shoot the hoodwits out, sooner they say go, and spike away the delicacy, and there's a hotbed. And then... Sure, sure, go, go to everybody, but you best friend up by squally, and what's to happen, and nothing. Why are you running around like a crazy squaw, looking for food, and all the time, you could have come straight to the nut. See, you say right up by squally, nobody's a bigger nut than you. That's the funny thing, and when I say it, it's about a difference. Why are you running away to the telephone company? Because they left my name on the telephone book, and that's the terrible thing. They left your name on the telephone book? Oh, well, Luigi, there's nothing so special about that, it could be for lots of reasons. Well, what's the one? Well, it could be to save money on ink. That again, maybe you got it on the telephone book with some of the names that cut out. That's when they call the readers a digestivision. No, not that's funny. Is it not that because I'm about the regular heavy book? Oh, the heavy book. Well, there's two kinds, you know. There's a regular heavy, and a double-duty heavy. Oh. That's the one they use under the short legs of tables. You ain't got that one, huh? But I'm thinking you're joking. No, I'm not joking. Is there something else that you should know? Sometimes the population gets it too big, you see? There's too many names for one city to handle, so they divide up for the extras. For all of you now, right now, you may be on the top of the page in Tuscalooska. That's quite a disadvantage, in a possible way. Well, then there might be one or more reason why you're not in the book, and that's the most important. How long have you been in America? Almost three years. That's a splendor. In America, there's one bigger rule, and that's to go for the phone and company, too. Well, what's the disadvantage? The last one in is a rotten man. Now, you must be the last one in America, so you listen under R, a rotten man. Oh, no, that's quite a bit out of my way. You're not gonna fool out of me. I'm not gonna go to the phone and company. All right, you stooped with a green horn of boob and go to the phone and company. See what's happened? You're gonna wind up with a nothing but a catatabreak. Why you say that? Because I was the one sitting in your boots. When I first came to America, I owed the company money. I complained, but they hounded me until I had a pay. Of course I was smarter than you are, because for the next five years I got even with them. Every time on my telephone rang, I didn't answer. But that's not to happen to me. For some reason, I don't understand. I'm no more in the phone and book. Next to who knows? The phone and company might come along and take out my telephone and book, and then how am I gonna go to the business? Oh, what, Luigi? Even if a waste is a company to waste, you can always use a my telephone and a little cabbage quiz. Is it not trouble at all? What trouble? It's a pleasure. Every time the phone rings, I call you. Thank you, thank you. Now I'm gonna feel much better. Sure. Now I do you a favor with a ring. You do me a favor with a ring. What favor am I gonna do you with a ring? Slip it out of my daughter else's finger. Oh, no, basquely, I'm not gonna play any round of the Rosses. Poor little boy. Ring around the Rosses. That's a child's game. Not the way Rosses wanted to play it. You know, but there isn't no use. Rosses is a nice girl, and she's very sweet, but she's too fat for me. Look, Luigi, think of the nicer things about a marriage. After you leave with a church, you go to the honeymoon of sweet, then you pick up your blushing bride, you carry her over the threshold. That's funny, you're crazy. This is so big, I can never carry her over the threshold. All right, I'll buy you a bulldozer so you can push her across. Luigi, be a good businessman. When you marry a woman, you've got to look up a value. Value? Sure. When you buy through the toothpaste, the one you buy, the smaller size, the medium size... There isn't no use of that, I'm not going to buy the giant economy size. No, please, I'm going to feel like I'm talking about a Rosses today. One of my guys has such a big trouble with the telephone company. I think maybe I'm better going to sit him down. Stop. Luigi, how many times I try to teach you, little immigrants of pop squeak like you should stay in the little backyard to start up with the big American companies. Once you start griping things to them, next thing you know, they put you on a slow boat to Italy. Never to be funny. I'm going to put my name back in the front of the book. Then let an American handle it for you. Here, I pick up the phone. I dial a watch. I talk. Hello, a business officer, please. You see? A business officer. I've got a bigger complaint to make. What's the idea to leave a Luigi Bosco's name out of the new phone book? Is that what you call a democracy? I've got a good mind to take him out of business with some other telephone company. What? Who's he yelling? No, I'm not going to lower my voice. What? You want this number? All right. It's and over seven and nine and seven and one five. Yeah. Yeah? Okay. That's not his old fix. Luigi, you never have a trouble with a company again. No? That's the right. Tomorrow they come with a disconnect to you, Paul. Before we return to life with Luigi, we'd like to mention that a stick of wriggly spearmint gum can be a real help to you while you're working. You see, chewing on a good, smooth piece of wriggly spearmint gives you comfort and satisfaction. It sort of helps you relax without slowing you down or interfering with the job you're doing. Then, too, the fresh, lively spearmint flavor freshens your taste and helps keep your mouth moist. As a result, you naturally feel better and work better while you're chewing wriggly spearmint. Try it and see for yourself. Keep a package of refreshing, delicious, wriggly spearmint chewing gum handy while you work. Enjoy a stick from time to time. If you like it, you really will. Now let's turn to page two of Luigi Vasco's letter to his mother in Italy. Well, and I'm going to have to first tell you he's left to my store. I'm going to call up the telephone company and I'm going to beg them they shouldn't disconnect the telephone. Then I'm going to find out the whole thing was a big job. All the time, if I was talking on my telephone, he was holding down the little hook and talking to himself. But now what am I going to do? I'm going to make stuff. I'm going to go to the phone company or nothing. Well, Luigi, how did you make out with the telephone company? I'm a dinner girl. What am I going to do with you? Luigi's in trouble with you. He said you got at that inferiority complex. What should that be? Well, let me see. We're going to put it in the delicatessen language. Yeah, an inferiority complex is when a knuck will commit suicide because it feels like a vener-snid porn. That's what it is. Stop blurring yourself to death, Luigi. Put on your hat and coat. Get the streetcar. Go to the telephone company and say, I want to know why you left my name out of the telephone books this year. What am I an orphan? Is this a way to treat a customer who pays his rent every month? Is this what you call service? Yeah, but do you want a machine to holler like that that they're all the time machine? No, they'll throw you out. Is it going to be a good reason to do? Oh, Pascuali. You leave the door open, Luigi, and anything is liable to come in. Yeah, especially Schultz. Eh. I love Mr. Pickle a push over 1951. Pascuali, why don't you take a nice, quiet nap on the bottom of Lake Missionary? Listen here. Well, we're getting enough time enough for argument for you. Go right. But go, Luigi. Here's your heart and code. Go down right now to the telephone company and find out what's left with the telephone book. All right. I'm a goner. In America, anybody can go any place and ask for anything. Stop, Luigi. I'm a warner to you. You start up with those big companies. They all are going to gang up on you. First thing you know, you're going to be without a phone, electric, a gas, and even a water. Just imagine for the rest of your life you're going to be taking a bath in Libby's tomato juice. Oh, poppycocker. Luigi, go. Don't go. Go. Don't go. How do you like that? He's a wimp. Mr. Basco, for an hour, I've tried to explain. There's nothing I can do about the error. Now, if somebody else in America is a helper. This is a Bella telephone company, yes? Yes. Then I'm going to speak to Mr. Bella. Mr. Bell? Why, he's dead. All right. I'm a wimp. You don't understand. Mr. Bell is no longer with us. Oh, that's not the nice thing. Many of the spenders their whole life inventing the telephone knives to get the fired. Sir, Mr. Bell owns the company, but he's dead. Oh. Then maybe I'll speak to Mr. Bella. Mr. Bell is not here either. Mr. Bell is not here? Mr. Bell is not here? Who's a watch in the business? Mr. Basco, will you please let me go on with my work? Sure, but I'm a nook and go on with my work. If you know, give me in a book and you'll have to me fall out of the telephone a book. Maybe I must stop again at some of the beginning. Oh, no. All the ways that you were to put to me between a box and a basin, I was a happy. Then if something is happening between a box and there's a squeeze of basin, there's a goodbye basket. Oh, no. You told me all about it. Then if there's something... Who can? Who can? I don't know. See somebody else. The complaint department, the manager, the vice president for all I care. Mr. Basco, you disrupted our entire organization from the complaint department to the manager, to the... I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President, but do you think it's nice that you cover telephone a company to be mad at me? Mr. Basco, the telephone company is not made at you. Then approve it. They'll put them back in a book. Mr. Basco, I've tried to explain these things take time. We have over five million books out in this city. Do you expect me to go out by myself, collect every book in town, and put your name in? All right, I'm a help for you. That's not the point. No, please, Mr. Vice President, you talk to these fellows about the notes. Find out the why they were to get together and squeeze me out. Mr. Basco, nobody is trying to squeeze you out. Then how come when I'm looking at a book I'm in a sim, I say? Mr. Basco, think back. Perhaps you came in once and asked to be unlisted. Who's unlisted? I'm not going to list, I'm not going to list under the army of the Netherlands. Mr. Basco, you don't understand. That's a special service we have for some subscribers. We give unlisted numbers to people who don't want their names in the book. My name is not listed in the telephone book. And that was a good reason. Surely, in a pay of bills. No, Mr. Basco, we're just waiting our time. There must be some good reason why your name was omitted from the book this season. The whole matter requires a little investigation. And until we look into it, my hands are tied. Hands are tied. That's why you're not correct on my name in a book. Don't be preposterous. Mr. Basco, no, please, please, Mr. Vice President, it was you company who made the mistake and it's the post. Mr. Basco, our company never makes a mistake. Practically everything is done by machine. Do you realize what happens every time you pick up your phone? No. What? A thin plate of soft iron called the diaphragm vibrates to your sound waves. This in turn affects a tiny magnet and is electrically transmitted causing the diaphragm to vibrate. Then what do you think happens when the two metallic contacts are made? You'll get the wrong number. No! An automatic record is immediately stamped on a card bearing your phone number. I only inform you of this procedure so that it enables you to realize the complexity of our system and appreciate the multiple services which we endeavor to render. Do you understand? No, please, Mr. Vice President, you're very nice and mannered. And someday I hope you'll be the president. But I'm afraid if you look now, maybe you'll find out why the company is a push from me out. Everybody's making a mistake at some time. Maybe one of the girls was writing the name of the new book or found that the pen is a run-out ink and then she just skipped the bus. Mr. Basko, you just have to do as I say. Take this poem, go home, fill it out, mail it in. There's a reason why you must write as a letter and mail it to us. Or you want to post office to do a little business at dawn. No, now will you please do as I say? Please, Mr. Vice President, you're first to get from the red. Mr. Basko, I'm not a well man. All right, I look into your problem myself. Right now, now go! Come on, my man, get in! A man in the hand? What's the happen to the telephone company? That's what I was the worst of day in my life. I make so much trouble. Vice Presidents will throw me out. He said he's going to restigate me himself. Oh, Luigi's starting up with a vice-president at the end. And what? The vice-president is going to report you. You know what comes after report. Deport! That's going to be the story of your life. Four words. Import the report, the deport, the export. Mr. Basko, come on, so much of the cinematic please, to help me. I'm sorry, Luigi, you didn't listen to me. I would like very much to help you, but I know the facts. I'm going to have to testify in a court against you. Mr. Basko, you must testify against me. Oh, it's a big law here to call a habeas a corpus. And even if I don't testify, my Rosa, she's still got to testify against you because she lives the next door. That means that they got a habeas a corpus against you. What's going to happen? Is there nothing I can do? Not an absolute way. I just so remember, there's another big law here. The wife can't testify against her husband. Yeah, but you're not my wife, Mr. Basko. No, but I know a certain party who's willing to make it a big sacrifice. Welcome home, my son. Hello, Papa. Oh, I'm so happy. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! Rosa, say hello to Luigi. Hello, Rosa. Hello to you, my children. I hope you live happy together ever after. Oh, shut up, you face. Luigi, you're lucky that a habeas a corpus is yours. Oh, is Mr. Basko here? Well, I'm Luigi Basko. Oh, Mr. Basko, I'm from the phone company. We've investigated your complaint and the vice president wanted me to come right down. Luigi, quick, you've got to go over to the vice president's head and get to him on a phone and apologize. That's not a saving me. There's no need for alarm. I'm going to handle everything. This man here is a half a son-in-law right now and I'm responsible for it. But, sir, there's nothing to explain. The reason Mr. Basko's name doesn't appear on the new phone directly. All right, all right. Mr. Pascuali called us several months ago and requested that Mr. Basko's phone be listed under Pascuali and Son due to a business merger. Pascuali? On a Sunday? Mr. Luigi, how was it just to do with the business and matrimonialness? How was it just to look him ahead and I figured as soon as a lady you're going to be my son-in-law so we might as well make it sooner or worry about it later? Well, you did a terrible thing. On account of you, I'm not in a phone book and that's the way I'm going to get a phone bill this month from the company. And you won't, sir? Why not? Well, Mr. Pascuali pays for all the calls and you and your ideas. Excuse me, Pascuali. Luigi, who are you dialing? Hello, operator. Get me my mamma Basko in a Castellamari in Italy. Yes, Pascuali, America's giving me the victory rights to a certain law. What law, my son? Happiness of confiscate papa. Come with me. I found out the YNM was a mission for the phone book and just before I'm going to talk with the company and ask in the next book. In the meantime, I'm a promised Pascuali. I'm not going to make a long distance of calls to Italy if he's the promised me one thing. He's going to go with me to every drug store in the Chicago and I'll help him write on the cover of a telephone of books to Luigi Basko and over to 79 to 75. No connection with a Pascuali and a son. You'll have a son and Luigi Basko and a son. Friends, the makers of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi and they want to remind you that you're always set for a refreshing, delicious treat when you've got a package of Wrigley's Spearmint Gum in your purse or pocket. It takes just a second to unwrap a stick of Wrigley's Spearmint, slip it into your mouth and enjoy some pleasant, tasty chewing. Good for you too because chewing aids so do what millions do. Keep a package of Wrigley's Spearmint Gum in your purse or pocket and chew a few sticks during the day. On the job or off the job you'll find the good chewing enjoyable. The makers of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum invite you to listen next week at this time when Luigi Basko writes another letter to his mama Basko in Italy. Life with Luigi is a sigh hard production is directed by Max Benhoff. The script is written by Max Benhoff and Carl Max is starred as Luigi Basko with Alan Reed as Baskoale Hans Connery as Schultz Joby Gilbert as Rosa Mary Schipp as Miss Pauly Joe Forte as Horowitz and Ken Peters as Olson. Music is under the direction of Lud Guston, this is Carl's Live. This is the CBS Radio Network.