 All right, everybody. Today we're dropping another episode in our series with Adam Lane Smith. He's the attachment expert. Today's episode talks about marriage. This is going to be a really, really good one. So we know you're going to love it. Check it out. Today's program giveaway is the maps RGB bundle. Here's how you can win it. Leave a comment below this video in the first 24 hours that we drop it, subscribe to this channel and turn on notifications. If you win, we'll let you know in the comment section. Also, final hours for the Black Friday sale. This is the biggest sale of the year. We only do it once a year. All maps programs are 60% off. All maps program bundles 60% off. It's huge. If you want to take advantage, just click on the link at the top of the description below. All right, here comes the show. In today's episode, we're going to talk about how to make marriage work even in this complicated modern world. I know it's a horrible, painful topic. Marriage seems like it's almost hopeless nowadays for a lot of people. We are going to make it work. I'm going to show you the exact step-by-step method to make marriage make sense and not just make sense, not just avoid divorce. I don't want to show you just how to not have the suck. I want to show you how to build a fulfilling, intimate bond that's going to last for all of your life. It's going to be real easy. We're going to make it step-by-step. You can follow these steps. You can make it happen. To do that, we're going to hit eight key points. Specifically, why marriage sucks so bad in the modern world. What people's modern attitudes are about marriage, especially as they get more fearful over time, because marriage, it's terrifying, especially when you hear the wrong statistics or the statistics that they don't actually line up with real actual problems. The 50-50 stat, for example, not true. We'll talk about that here in a minute. I'm also going to show you how attachment issues poison marriages. I worked for years as a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I saw one issue over and over and over break up marriages so often that I had to write a book about it. And the book is now exploding all over Amazon and making people cry, but helping them fix their marriage. Because when you get that one piece right, everything else seems to flow better. I'm also going to show you why marriages seem to get worse after kids. A lot of couples that they're not the best match, but they work. They won't work after kids. A lot of times kids will be the deciding factor that breaks you up. And not because of the kids and not because of just resentment of chores. It's usually a very specific hormonal change that takes place in one partner, but not in the other. And that drives a lot of growth on one side. With stagnation on the other side, which then leads to the marriage just absolutely shattering. We're going to show you how to fix that today. I'm also going to show you why the co-founder attitude that we talked about a little bit more in the dating process is going to be really crucial here. Marriage is not meant to be a process of having feelings for each other and always being happy until the day you die or you get divorced, till death do we part? Well, no, now it's till convenience do we part. We're going to talk about how to make it work, even when the feelings are bad, even when the feelings suck, even when you're having a difficult time. The co-founder attitude that I'm going to show you that mindset shift, that will make a big difference. I'm also going to show you if you are in a troubled marriage right now, how to start fixing it. Cause there's a couple of key places where marriages get broken. You would think there's 10,000 different ones. There's not, there's only a couple of key places your relationship can really break down. And just like a car, we diagnose it and then we start fixing those parts. We'll do that here. Finally, the last two parts are going to be a lot of fun. Don't miss these. How to build better sex into your marriage. If you want more sex, you want greater sex, you want lots of fun, lots of screaming and squealing. I'm going to show you how to build that in and it will be good for both of you. You're going to enjoy it. It'll be wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. I'm already smiling thinking about it. You should be smiling too. By the end of this episode, you're going to have an incredible sex life with your partner, especially if you're watching this together. I greatly encourage that. I'm also going to show you how to continue dating each other so that you have a great hormonal impact together and your lives blend together in a seamless fashion. The hormones and the bonding through that, we're going to make it super easy. Don't worry about technical jargon. You don't have to have a master's degree in psychology like I do to get through this. I will make it very simple and very, very fun. The bonding will be an experience you will never be able to forget. So you're going to understand how to trust your partner, how to cooperate as a team and how to build a fulfilling connection that's going to last a lifetime and be great for both of you. So let's dive right in. Now you have probably, like most people heard that in America divorce is about 50-50, right? It's just simple coin toss. All right, we get married simple coin toss to tell if we are going to get divorced someday. Well, that is actually not true. It's a horrible lie. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Now there's some complicating factors here. Number one, all marriages. So I don't know about you, but I do have a family member who had seven marriages and yes, got a divorce from their seventh marriage. That happens. All seven marriages are counted into that 50-50 stat. So if there's multiple marriages having divorces, just yep, breaks that stat right through the roof. It is ridiculous. And the more divorces you have, the more likely you are to get divorced in the future. So those serial divorcers are really jacking that right up through the roof. There's also a lot of complicating factors inside of it. For example, relationships where the husband does more chores, way more likely to lead to divorce strangely. Now people might say, well, it's because he's mad because he has to do chores. Women will often say, well, that's because he's a big baby who won't do chores. Well, that actually seems to indicate that maybe those who have more progressive values are less concerned about the stigma of divorce and are more likely to move on from a relationship faster than somebody who has conservative values. So there's a conservative and liberal blend there as well, which is interesting. Without taking sides, that can also complicate the whole situation. Religious views, especially shared religious views can really change this. Your family system, your network, your dynamics as you grow together, your mindset growth. All of these factors really go in. So it's not just a simple coin toss. You have to look at all of your factors going in and that will give you your true rate of actual marriage risk for both of you. Now that's not an absolute, you will have zero, but we can reduce this over time to almost zero. We can vanish it towards zero. And that's what I'm going to show you here today is how to reduce your risk of divorce all the way down to point point zero, zero, zero, zero, one. And we can get you there, you guys will be all right. To do this, we're going to have to acknowledge the horrible pieces. Yes, divorce happens. Yes, you can only control your side of the equation. You can be the best human being on the planet and still get divorced because your partner will not. Some partners will not follow you. There is a nightmare world happening right now in the family court system where wives are automatically granted custody for all intents and purposes of kids. It's not that way on paper, but it is certainly that way when we play it plays out in the court. Alimony, child support, everything. Men are getting destroyed, destroyed. Or in other cases, women are having to fight tooth and nail to even feed their children after their husband runs off and abandons them. There's all kinds of problems. Divorce disasters. I've heard one specific thing being talked about online. The Red Pill communities use the word divorce rape. They say, I was divorce raped, which is a little crazy. But, okay, divorce rape is happening quite often here in America. And it is pretty ugly. I'm not going to lie. Some divorces are the worst things that I've ever seen between two human beings. And I used to do therapy for death penalty inmates. So when I say that people treating their spouses badly during a divorce is worse than that, I fully mean it. There are some huge atrocities happening in those cases. So we will show you how to avoid that. It's not a 50-50 shot. You don't have to just hope blindly. We're going to help you reduce those risks. Broken families. So this whole series has been on attachment. Where you think broken attachment comes from. It is not from healthy, loving, secure families. I'll just tell you that. The more you break up your family or even just the more unhappy your marriage is, the more shattered your children are likely to be. The less they are likely to believe in love. The less they're likely to believe that marriage will last because they have never seen it. So I can talk all day long about how great marriage is, about how wonderful it is to be bonded to somebody for life. And if they have never seen it, then their brain is telling them that I'm an idiot or a liar or a grifter, just trying, and I'm completely naive. I'm an ancient boomer, 90 years old at 38. And I have no idea how life actually works because they've never seen a functioning marriage. They just never have. We'll talk about that here today and how to fix that as well. If you walk through the attachment process, you'll start to, usually we'll start understanding that there could be love with special people. It's not about everybody. A lot of people aren't even getting married anymore because they've lost hope. Maybe they think there's no reason to get married. My stance personally is that people don't have to get married. They don't even need to get married unless, especially, you wanna build together and co-build a legacy that you wanna protect in a better fashion. Probably with a prenup, I'm really big on prenups. Most people are shocked by that. And you wanna have kids. So the biggest, biggest factor for the health of children and the long-term mental health is married parents. Married parents is one of the biggest hacks to start your children off well in life is to have married parents. Now, this is not a case of the marriage itself makes them healthier. It's the fact that if the parents stay together, it's likely that the parents had better skills and are working together in a better way and are functioning better as a family. So it is more correlation than causation but it's still there. We've gotta look at it. Also, marriage just frankly looks like a joke today. Think of the Simpsons, right? Homer Simpson. Think of how every single sitcom father started to look exactly like Homer Simpson everywhere. Think of how every single married couple on any show is now making jokes about how they never have sex anymore. They become the brunt of a tremendous number of jokes all across the show about how hard and stupid marriage is while all the single people are having a great time. It's wonderful. Marriage is treated like an absolute joke. And if they people say, there's no purpose to it. Why would we even maintain this? This is an archaic thing of the past. Let's just dissolve marriage completely. Well, if you're gonna do it wrong, yeah, it's a horrible system. If you do it right and you pick the right co-founder, then it's still good. Finally, even women today are questioning the value of marriage, which is shocking because marriage is more designed for stability for women and children. It's good for men. Don't get me wrong. We have great health benefits. It is wonderful to have a loyal and loving wife but marriage and that structure and safety was designed throughout history a lot more for women and for children, to be honest with you. And it continues to be so. So if women themselves are questioning the value of marriage, we probably have broken marriage in half and we need to actually fix it. So it's better for everybody involved. Let's talk about that today as well. Now, yes, we've got a lot to get through. Let's get right into it right now. How do people view marriage today? Well, they think it's pointless, dangerous, temporary. It has nothing but disappointing sex, which the research actually shows is different. So married people are more likely to have sex than any single people. Even people on dating apps, even people who are hot on dating apps in New York City, having the time of their life, married people are more likely to have sex more frequently and report more in satisfaction during that sex. They also say, I can't have sex with just one person for the rest of my life. I'm gonna talk about that here in a minute. That is a specific neurotransmitter problem and a specific hormone problem that a lot of people don't experience to switch over. Yes, if you are continuing the way you are, the idea of having sex for the rest of your life with only one person feels horrible. If you make the transition, especially through secure attachment, we talked about the big five bonding chemicals. If you make that switch, actually having sex with one person for the rest of your life becomes wonderful. But it's a very specific change that has to take place that is very dependent on both partners and your secure attachment. So we'll talk about getting you there. By and large though, let's boil this down. Marriage feels like a trap without hope. Most people believe that marriage is simply a trap with no hope. They're going to be wretchedly miserable forever. And I disagree. I think it can be that. And it has been for many people, but it doesn't have to be. So if you approach it carefully, and if you're both willing to do the work, we can make sure it doesn't become that for you. Now, are they wrong? Are all of these beliefs really wrong? I was a licensed marriage and family therapist for many, many years before I retired so I could do this coaching. And in our LMFT training programs, in graduate school, in my practicum, the many years of apprenticeship after that, they told us one horrible fact. Get used to divorces. Get used to couples failing. The vast majority of couples who come to you for help will split up. The vast majority of people you work with will lose their marriage. There is nothing you can do. You will burn out. This was the training they gave us as a licensed marriage and family therapist. There was almost no hope, even in couples therapy. And they told us that. Couples therapy is a Hail Mary attempt and almost every single time one of the partners has already given up and does not want to actually fix it. So you are just there to help them formalize breaking up their marriage. I don't agree that that is always the case. With attachment issues. We talked before about how with attachment issues you feel like you have to always be interesting and stimulating. You have to make the other person have the time of their life all the time, right? Men fall into a pattern of getting stressed out and then they start becoming insecure with their wife because they say, I am not providing enough fun. I'm not entertaining enough. All I'm doing is focusing on my work. All I'm doing is providing for my family. I'm down most of the time. I'm stressed out. She must be having an awful time. She could leave me any moment. I have my male clients tell me this all the time. So I bring their wife in. And I talk to them and say, this is what he's feeling. Can you please tell us if that's true? And the wives are shocked that he thinks that. And the wives will say, I respect you. I love when they say this. I respect you. You are working so hard for our family. You are doing everything I need. No, I don't want you to stay like this forever because that, but that's also because that will grind you down into the dust. I do not need you entertaining me right now. We need to get through this as a family. Tell me how I can help you. The best wives, that's how they respond to that. And the husbands, you just see, oh, you see that stress come off their shoulders of do my work and care for my family and also dance like a monkey for her entertainment. When that's off his shoulders, that's the power of secure attachment. We'll talk in a minute about how to build that inside your marriage. But all of these attachment issues, they get so much worse inside marriage for this reason because this is the person you're supposed to be able to put your back against and fight the world together. This is the one human being you should not have to be suspicious of or be afraid of because they have your back. The point of getting married is that you are now tied together. So your wealth, your value, everything you create is now locked together. So if one of you hurts that, they are an idiot because they're hurting themself. Hurting your partner in marriage is just hurting you. You shouldn't have to be afraid of them, but attachment issues continue in marriage and get worse because now the stakes are so much higher. That's why we have to fix the attachment inside the marriage so that it's strong and healthy and you trust each other. Otherwise you have so much resentment, so much fear, so much hate, so much cheating, right? The research shows something like two thirds of all marriages experience at least one affair during the course of the marriage. 66% is the research, the best, best approximate guess we can pull up. And who is it? Is it men, is it women? It's about split down the middle. 66% will experience at least one affair, physical or emotional during the course of that marriage. So let's talk more about cheating. Like I said, that research puts it about two thirds. Those numbers are suspect, it could be less, it could be more, we don't really know. It could be differentiated based on your population, where you're at, your values, your religious values, how you talk things through your family network, right? All of these things, but why do people cheat? The number one reason I have seen that people cheat is something called avoidant attachment style. We briefly touched on this before, but the belief that being close to other people is dangerous, the belief that you can never relax and trust other people, and the belief that you are always going to be alone. Now we talked about the big five brain chemicals, right? Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Gabba, Gemma Aminobioric Acid, that inhibitory neurotransmitter, and also serotonin. When your relationships are broken and your attachment is broken, those four tend to go away and you have dopamine. You have dopamine left. Now dopamine will last you through the first six or seven months of a relationship because it's still novelty. You have all the different actions you can do, but excuse the explicit language, but you can only lube up so many body parts before you have run out of body parts to lube up, and then you start cycling back around and the novelty has worn off. And it's now not a dopamine binge every time you have sex. The novelty has worn off. People with avoidant attachment, that's when they start looking on their phones. That's when they start trying to treat cheat or micro cheat with other people. That's when they start cycling out. And they also get overwhelmed by the other person's emotional needs because they tend to connect with anxiously attached people so they start saying, I can't do this anymore. I've given you all good feelings. You give me nothing. I'm not getting anything. I either need to have a threesome or I need to go have sex with somebody else. Well, if you had sex with somebody, if you got the chance, you would. So it's not a big deal if I do it. And they typically often will go and cheat. Not always, not all avoidant people do this, but that's usually how cheating happens early in that first year, two years. It's that constant dopamine cycling because they don't switch over into the other brain chemicals. We'll talk about how to switch over into the other brain chemicals in a minute, but they cycle on dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. Usually the anxious woman and it's an avoidant man, the anxious woman tries to step it up. I will do anything. Do you want to get another girl involved? What do you want to do? Do you want to make porn? Do you want to do this? Do you want to do that? Anything. And she'll desperately try to continue the dopamine binging because she doesn't know how to do the other bonding. She's just trying to dopamine cycle him to keep him. Now, long-term, what I have found is the anxious person becomes more likely to cheat because they have poured their heart and soul into the relationship trying to earn approval, earn love, earn connection. And it never works. So even if the avoidant person doesn't cheat, the anxious person gets more and more resentful over the years and starts starving. And then they run across somebody who makes them feel good and they flood them maybe with a little bit of oxytocin instead. And they start pulling really hard into that relationship with that person. This often will happen at 15, 20 years of marriage when their family, they've been falling apart and she's been miserable all those years. And now she connects with somebody and then she gets a boyfriend and it completely falls apart. This is usually what is happening there. It's that anxious resentment. This leads to an interesting thing called coerced infidelity. A lot of anxious women will accept open relationships to try desperately to keep their husband or boyfriend. A lot of people will accept open relationships. Not because they love them. I mean, some people do, but a lot of people with anxious attachment will accept them because they don't believe that they deserve more. They don't believe they deserve a committed partner. They don't believe they are worthy of all that attention. They don't understand the brain chemicals. This is not to say open relationships are evil. I'm not judging people who do that, but you have to be careful because you could have an avoidant person who's running away from intimate connection, who's just dopamine binging and has no idea how to build a connection and an anxiously attached female partner who just says, okay, we'll do anything you want, anything you want. And then later on they break up and she says he was abusive. He forced me to do this. He forced me to do that. I broke every rule for him. I was so emotionally and sexually abused. He's like, what? You were enthusiastic in it. You were the one telling me we should do these things. You were the one posting on social media about how open relationships are the best thing in the world. And you'll see a lot of social media of women posting about how their husband is in an open relationship and they're so okay with it and everything is wonderful and every day is another post about how they are okay with it. Often they're not. This is more like that coerced infidelity of being okay with it. Think of it that way. I'm not calling it rape. I'm not saying that it's coerced infidelity through anxious attachment through broken problems. That's the issue. People will do just about anything to fix their relationship except work on their attachment which is actually what would fix their relationship. Let's talk now about how attachment issues poison marriage over time. As an example, the anxious person over time they get more and more and more resentful. They get more and more broken up. I have done everything for you. You never reciprocate. We're at eight years together and we aren't even talking about marriage yet. I've been waiting. I haven't even brought it up. I've been so good. We're at eight years. Shouldn't we start talking about getting married? I have so many women come into my live streams on YouTube and on TikTok. All my comment sections at him. We're at eight years. Do you think he's gonna pop the question? No. No, I don't. I think he's with you because you didn't have the guts to pop the question and that's why he has been so comfortable with you and when you start pushing for what you actually want, he's gonna run. That's why things can happen because that's what usually happens. And women say, I can't believe I wasted eight years with him. Yeah. You should have had that conversation on day one. This is why I teach in dating, right? In my, now my three date method is starting to make sense. You don't waste eight years wondering what somebody wants. You figured out in the first couple of dates. Very, very important. That's what that first year process is too. Try to break up through having these conversations. Don't wait eight years, please. Avoidant people, they stay avoidant because the anxious person latches onto them and drains the life out of them. And all the avoidant person has to cycle through his dopamine throughout the course of their relationship over and over and over. Nothing feels good. So they feel betrayed for having put all their energy and time into taking care of the other person. And in their eyes, they're not doing anything wrong because they're just trying to get their needs met when somebody else is refusing to take care of them and refusing to take ownership of their problems. Avoidant people are not monsters. They are just hurt and scared and don't know how to receive love. They don't even know that love is possible. That's the problem. Now, the female sex drive at one year is not reliant on dopamine. The female sex drive is reliant on all these other brain chemicals and especially oxytocin. So most of the time the female sex drive falls off a cliff at one year, right? One year the female sex drive just dies. Well, not if you have a healthy, secure attachment. Actually, the female sex drive will switch from dopamine and novelty really hardcore into the other chemicals and especially oxytocin. Her sex drive can go up at 12 months. Most people don't realize this. As a married man with a 15-year marriage, I can vouch for this. This is how I have five kids. It's wonderful when you increase the oxytocin because her sex drive will go up. If she's cold, the marriage is cold and it's cold because the wrong hormones are being played with. Dopamine is being played with. When you switch over long-term, again, we're gonna show you how to do that. Stay tuned. Sex doesn't die. Sex gets better. And interestingly, long-term, the male erection is really dependent on oxytocin, especially longer into the relationship. So you'll switch from the dopamine factor of novelty and sex through novelty of banging a new chick every night to long-term oxytocin drive, which will give you stronger erections, longer lasting erections, better orgasms and better sexual experiences, long-term. It will happen. You just have to make it happen, right? So all of this, all these problems, if you don't do these, you can see how it turns into a powder keg that is just waiting to explode. It's really race to see who's gonna cheat first, who's gonna call it quits first, who's gonna pull the trigger, who's gonna file for child custody. It's a race to the bottom and that's what we're stopping. I hope that everybody listening to this understands, yes, it's serious. Yes, Adam understands that marriage is not a walk in the park and yes, I have a plan to fix it. We're still gonna fix it. Let's go. Let's talk about the kid factor. Let's talk about the kid complication factor because kids make this so much worse, don't they? In a good way. They're wonderful, but here's what happens. A child is born and mom floods with that oxytocin for the first time in her life. If dad's avoidant, she's anxious, she floods with oxytocin and now she discovers she has a brand new source of oxytocin that she never ever has to let go of, which is children. Every time she breast feeds, she gets flooded with oxytocin. Did you know that there is actually a problem called breastfeeding addiction where moms can actually get addicted to breastfeeding and stop doing almost anything else and then they just sit around doing that all the time, even when the baby doesn't want to, they make the baby breastfeed and they don't stop even at one year, two years, three years, four years, five years, they refuse to stop and if they try, they get withdrawal symptoms, really hardcore from that oxytocin. Did you know that? A lot of women watching this have probably experienced some of that. If you have had low oxytocin through the course of your life and that's all you got from your children, you stop breastfeeding and then you start chasing obsessively how to get more oxytocin with them all the time. You'll actually go through a grieving process when you lose that oxytocin flow, but here's what happens. Mom gets massive oxytocin for the first time in her life and doesn't need a voidant dad to provoke it in her anymore and then starts to resent him because he's not bonding with the children the way she wants. The children start getting anxious and indicating signs that they don't know that dad loves them or they're nervous around him and she starts being angry and resentful of him for now from in her eyes, harming the child. So now this sets up a war between mom who's addicted to that hormone and connected with her kids and obsessively protective and a good mom, usually not a bad mom, that doesn't happen to bad moms, that's good moms and she's obsessively protective of those kids and dad who has had none of these hormonal changes has not changed is the same person he always was and doesn't understand why she has stopped loving him all of a sudden and why he's now the enemy. So then he claps back and says, you're crazy, what is wrong with you? This is terrible. You want some weird magical unicorn changes and she can't articulate exactly what needs to change. She just screeches at him to start changing, changing, changing and it escalates from there. This is the biggest, biggest problem that I saw and the one that leads to the most divorce after you have kids is because her hormones change and she understands about half of attachment without knowing the words, just enough to be dangerous, just enough to crack their marriage in half. She's not wrong for demanding better connection, better emotional intimacy, better love, better bonding. She's not wrong for that, but she doesn't understand how to get it or how to teach it to him and he doesn't believe it's possible and the kids are trapped in the middle. This is why a bad marriage will destroy children because they are fighting over dad not loving them enough and mom will bring them into it and overcompensate then by saturating them with it while trying to comfort them and say, it's okay, dad's just, he just doesn't understand how to love anybody and now she's talking against dad, now she's poisoning them against dad, alienating them from their father. Nobody means for this to happen? No, that's not true. Very few people mean for this to happen. Most people don't want this to happen and they hate it but it keeps happening because they don't know how to pull out of that downward spiral. I'm gonna show you how to fix that too. So if she continues to get more resentful, he doesn't know what to do and the stalemate lasts until the last kid hits high school, now she's out. She's actually been out for years, she's given up. When women stop talking and stop trying to work with you and stop nagging and stop complaining, that's not good. That doesn't mean she's forgiven you. Doesn't mean she's let it go. She has given up on you. There is now no hope that she's out and she calls for a divorce. And this is where the guys usually say, wait, I'm willing to try now. Let's go to couples therapy. This is usually where this happens. And then she says, no, I'm done. She's gone scorched earth, she's out. She says, I have been enslaved by you for all these years, you wounded my children, you've destroyed my family, you have no love in your heart, you're a monster. And he says, no, this isn't true. I'm a loving father and his eyes, he is. He's done everything he knows how and he's really legitimately trying and wounded and grieving. And then she says, no, leaves, gets boyfriend and he takes to the internet and says, hey, I had this horrible experience. I was divorced, raped. My wife out of the blue told me that I'm not a good husband and she abandoned me. Now she wants all the money for no reason. And this is how the red pill community feeds on guys right here. As they pick that story up, amplify it and say, every man has the same experience. There was nothing you could have done. Women are incapable of loyalty. They don't even try to fix the relationship. They're horrible monsters. And then the radical feminists start up. Oh, you are right to divorce him. Men are horrible monsters. He probably raped you every day during your marriage, didn't he? He probably gave you a black eye all the time. Now both sides separate. And now the kids hear this and the kids grow up even worse. Hey, hi, Gen Z. How you doing? That's how we've got to where we are. Now, is this all marriages? No. Is red pill and radical feminism the truth about everything? God no. But we love horrible stories, don't we? We click on horrible stories. I just released a video on my YouTube channel today about the Steve Harvey scandal. Whenever you're watching this, you might wanna Google that, but people on their third marriage, marrying somebody else on their third marriage and then cheating on each other. And then all kinds of scandals and craziness going on. People love hearing those stories. Do you remember Amber Heard and Johnny Depp? I mean, we've been going all these stories all the way back through all of history. Helen of Troy, right? We still have that story around through the Iliad. Where do we draw the line? Well, let's start talking about better marriages. No, we all hear the nightmares. Now, is every man a cannibal rapist waiting to happen? Is every woman a gold digger who wants to harvest your kidneys? Not really, probably, maybe some of them, but not most of them. You just have to filter carefully. Through the dating method, through the last episode, watch it again, you'll see how to filter carefully. If you're already married or you wanna talk about how to build a great marriage, that's what this episode will be. Marriage does not have to be this bad. In fact, it can be quite wonderful. So there's the ugly. I hope that by now you understand, yes, Adam understands it's horrible. It can be horrible that there's awful things out there that I'm not asking you to lay down in a bear trap. What I do wanna tell you is that there's also good. Let me tell you some of the good stories I have heard. So I'm 15 years married, five kids very happily married and our marriage gets better every day. Wonderful marriage. I've also had people come into my office and fix their marriages. So I had one young couple in particular. They were on the edge of divorce. They had just discovered one of them was having an affair. Two weeks previous to our first session, the affair was discovered. Two weeks, they walked into my office and the one that was having the affair wanted to leave. They said, no, I'm not sure I wanna fix this marriage. I kinda like the other person better. They make me feel better. And the other person was begging, please, please, let's fix our marriage. Neither one of them had ever heard about attachment before. We talked about attachment. We talked about all the broken chemicals, the dopamine cycling. We talked about not sharing emotional needs. We talked about feeling all alone. And they both broke down crying in the first session. Second session, we dove into fixing it. Third session, they came back. Now this was four weeks after the affair was discovered. And they were more happy together than they had ever been even during their dating process because they'd finally started sharing their needs. They had basically a gun to their head from divorce and they had to open up and give it one last try and they did. And they talked about all the problems they had never talked about. They talked about all their fears they had never talked about. They talked about their childhood hurts they had never really explored. They discovered that many of their hurts were the same and that they needed the same things but had always been afraid to ask each other for it. When they did that, they bonded. They went from dopamine, a dopamine marriage to a fulfilled and integrated marriage. All the other chemicals flowed. And then a dopamine affair that one of them was having meant nothing. They were so, so deep into each other after four weeks from discovering the affair that they were more in love than ever. It was easy to walk them through bonding after that and to repair their marriage and prepare them for their first child, which was wonderful. They are still happily married to this day so it can get so much better. I've also had couples walk in after 40 years of marriage, their kids are grown, their kids are married and have kids of their own. And everybody in the family has attachment problems. And it all traces back to not the couple, not the old couple, but their parents and their trauma and their issues who are now dead. And the older couple in their late 60s, maybe early 70s even, now is starting to talk about why is our family so messed up? Why are we so unhappy? We're not gonna get a divorce but we are unhappy as a couple. We are always at odds. One of us is always scared. The other one's always angry. There's so much resentment. We don't have sex. How do we even fix this? Well, it doesn't take them four weeks. Like a young couple, young couples move fast. It took them about two or three months, about the same 90 days, about 90 days to start building their attachment and undoing years and decades of trauma and pain and hurt and sharing with each other. And I'd open one of them up and say, okay, you are afraid of this and your partner reminds you of that part from your childhood, you're 65 and you're now remembering from childhood how mom made you feel and now your partner comes in and makes you feel the same way without knowing it or meaning to and you react to them the same way you did as a child and they break down crying and their partner would hold them and they would bond and heal through it. And then we'd reverse it and the other one, we'd crack them open and show them what they had been living with for 65 years of their life and 40 years of marriage. And when they did this after 90 days, they were holding each other, they were laughing, their bonding was improved, their sex life was improved and they were starting to heal their adult children for the sake of healing their grandchildren as well. I've seen it heal from the top down through family generations like that too. Any marriage can be fixed as long as both partners are willing to do the work to fix it. Now that doesn't mean every marriage will look the same. That doesn't mean every marriage is a closed marriage. It doesn't mean every single marriage is whatever you've imagined. There's not one cookie cutter perfect marriage that has to be, but every marriage can be fixed to become loving and fulfilling and intimate for both partners as long as both are willing to do the work. So take heart from that. Now let me be clear. Marriage is not about feelings. Marriage is not about fun. Marriage is not even about love. Marriage is not about paper. Marriage is not about laws. None of those things is what marriage is about. Marriage may include some of those things. And in fact, it probably includes most of those things, all of those things during the course of the marriage, but marriage is not about any of those. And I say that as a happily married man who loves my wife and she loves me, it's warm. I know you could probably throw it up right now, but marriage is not even about love. Marriage is more than most people understand or think because nobody today really understands marriage. So let's redefine it. Marriage is nothing less than a business. You don't go into business for love. You don't go into business for feelings. You don't go into business for paper or the laws and laws don't really protect your business. Relationships inside your business protect your business. The relationships between two co-founders is what actually protects the business. You can have everything, everything locked in with paper and laws and it will still fall apart. You can even like each other and things will still fall apart. Marriage is a business. It's the business of legacy. You're creating a shared legacy that you could not create on your own. My legacy with my wife, yes, we have children. Yes, hopefully maybe someday some of our kids will have kids of their own, grandkids, great-grandkids, that would be fantastic. I'd love for that to happen. Our legacy is the work here. Helping people, teaching people about attachment. Investing in companies maybe someday if I'm wildly wealthy, I'll invest in companies. Maybe I'll mentor people to become great at attachment work and help people. But helping people fix their marriages, helping people take care of each other and feel more fulfilled and less afraid. That's a legacy. And my wife is not here on camera teaching this and doing this work but it's her legacy too. Cause she's behind me backing me taking care of everything at home that I could not, if I had to do that I couldn't do even half of what I'm doing here. I couldn't do any, even half of what I do out in the world. We are creating a shared legacy that is so much bigger than the legacy we could create alone. That's the purpose of marriage is to protect that legacy that we are creating jointly together. That's how you need to treat it. Cause it's not about love, it's not about feelings. It's about creating a legacy that matters forever that's better than what you could do alone. Now treat it like a business. No more feelings. If you started a business, for example would you base everything in your business on how you feel all the time? Would you try to win against your business partner? It'd be against your co-founder try to win in arguments against them and look smart and look better and always assume you were right. Would you keep secrets from your co-founder? Oh, I've been funneling money secretly into this other thing all the time. No, I hope you wouldn't. Would you expect your partner your co-founding partner to mind read all the time and figure out what you want and figure out your expectations and figure out what the problems are and solve them? Would you let resentment fester in your business? Just constant festering resentment all the time you never fixed. You think that's good for a business? Would you downplay your concerns all the time? Always ignore all red flags to try to just maintain the business. Keep it going. Would you ignore warnings from your partner or from other people? I hope not. Because in a business, what would bankrupt your business is the same thing that will bankrupt your marriage. Bankrupting a marriage is divorce. Think of it that way. If it would bankrupt your business, it will bankrupt your marriage. So in a business, you should cooperate to solve problems. Be very clear and cooperate. Hey, there's a problem, let's solve it together. Let's blame later, let's cooperate. You'd have a unifying mission. In a business, that's usually to make money, but often also to have some sort of good impact in the world, right? Have a mission that you strive toward. If one of you only wants money and one of you only wants a nonprofit, it's not gonna work, have a unified mission. You'd also have unifying values. Every corporate sector out there, every corporate job out there, if you work a corporate job, you know the company has a mission and the company has values, right? The car culture, unifying values, unifying mission, it's very important because you get behind it and then you can function the same and you can call everybody back to it. You also make decisions based on that mission, not how you feel, right? This is the purpose of our mission. This is the purpose of our business, our family, our marriage. Let's make decisions that would be good for what we're building together in our marriage. You also have meetings to address concerns, right? This is one of the number one things I teach couples is have business meetings every week where you assess how things go and then course correct during the course of that week. When things are really stressful, you have it every three days. When things are great and wonderful, at least minimum once a month, you check in, catch them when they're small, fix them together. You would also take fears and hurts very seriously in a business if you want it to be maintained constantly. You take those things very seriously. You don't laugh at people when they're hurt or afraid, you help them. You also seek solutions at all times. You don't just blame and blame and blame and ignore, cry about the problems. If you cry about the problems long enough in a business, somebody else solves the problem and makes money away from you and pulls money away from you and ruins your business. You'd also work together as a team, right? Maybe even have uniforms. I don't know, you would work as a team in your business. You'd also forgive each other for hurts just to keep the mission going. You're weird. Oh well, let's make money together. You keep going. You don't let the tiny little things ruin your daily life and ruin your working together as a business. And you'd also continuously foster deeper connection. Those are the 10 things that you need to keep doing in your marriage continuously if you want it to work. Not just not go bankrupt, but thrive, right? Because business is the goal is not to not go bankrupt. When you start a business, it's to thrive. Your marriage should be the same. So let's talk marriage. Let's talk about how to fix it if you're stuck right here. First of all, like I said, I teach couples to have what I call the state of the union speech. It's about as masculine as you can get. I know ladies probably roll in their eyes. You can call it whatever you want. You can call it the feelings check-in. I don't care, but state of the union speech is this. Hey, on a scale of one to 10, how are you feeling in our relationship right now? And how can we help you go up one point? That's it. It's that simple. You're not allowed to ask, why are you so low? What did I do wrong? How do we make you go to 10 out of 10? Hey, quick check-in. One out of 10, where are you at? How are you feeling in this relationship? And how can we help you just go up one point? Now this takes all the pressure off both of you because you don't have to say, oh, how are you feeling in our relationship? Oh, I'm fine. It's good. Well, no, what number are you at? Well, you know, I'm at like a six. Why? No, you don't do that. I'm at a six. Oh, okay. How can we help you go up one point? Now they're not gonna tell you one point, like, oh, I need to do socks. They're gonna tell you the big thing. They're gonna tell you the biggest thing. But the pressure is down now because you don't have to make it go perfect. How do we become perfect? Well, you can't ever. Oh, we're doomed. How can we help you go up one point? Even by asking that question by caring, you have made them go up one point. It's just how it works. You care enough to ask and work with them. Okay, how can we help you go up one point? Well, I need this, this and this. Okay, let's do that. You've now made them go up a second point by verbally committing to actually caring and doing it. And then when you follow through on it, you help them go up a third point. You've proven your trust and your care and it works. So by doing that approach, you make them go from six up to nine, typically. And that's how you start repairing your relationship and you do this every single week, every single week. During rough patches, every three days, every day if you need to. During really amazing pieces, you do this at least minimum once a month because you always keep tracking. Once a month, 12 times a year, you check in on your marriage and see how you're doing and ask how to go back up one point. You are always tracking, always tracking, always working together. If you didn't do this as a business, you would be screwed. If you don't do this as a marriage, you are screwed. So never, ever stop this. Never, ever stop this, not for the rest of your life. You might change over time and not use the one to 10 scale, that's okay. You may shift and say, hey, you know what? How you doing? And what do you need? Maybe that's how you shift. Maybe some couples become that. Other couples keep charts and graphs about how people's numbers have gone up and whatever kind of couple you are cool. Tailor it to you, I'm not here to control you. Tailor it to you, but don't not do it. The couples who stop doing it are the couples who come back into me after six months or a year and say, Adam, I don't know where we fell off the tracks. I don't know what went wrong. Did you keep doing the meetings? Oh, well we did for about a month and then we didn't need it, so we quit. Okay, how did things go? Well, things kind of crept up on us and now we're not sure what to do about it. Okay, immediately reinstitute the meetings immediately and let's troubleshoot the problems you've let creep up on you and it works. Keep doing the meetings. When you find those problems, work as a team to solve them, only the solutions matter. I'm gonna tell you this right now, blame doesn't matter. Blame is stupid. Blame is pointless. The only time you really care about who's contributing to the problem is so that you can fix that too, but blame is completely stupid and pointless. It's gonna bankrupt your relationship. If a bunch of co-founders sat in a round in a room screaming, no, you're making us go bankrupt, no, you're making us go bankrupt, those go bankrupt. Fix your relationship. As long as you're both willing to work on it, you can fix it. And if you need help, call in a business consultant. Hi, call in a coach or a therapist who helps you actually fix your relationship. Get back on track and then keep going. That's the goal. Always be focused on solving problems. Now, attachment is huge for this because if you have broken attachment, you don't believe that problems are possible to fix. You don't believe other people will fix them. You will try to fix them alone. You solo will say, there's a problem. I have to fix it. No, get out of my way, I'm gonna fix our marriage. You don't even mention it to the other person. You try to push their buttons to try to make them feel good so that they'll treat you better and do what you want them to do. You'll play games with them. That's what broken attachment does and that's destructive for businesses and for relationships, don't do that. Fix your attachment. Now, as we've talked about, I've got a course to help you fix that, the attachment boot camp that will accelerate the process of fixing your attachment. You can find a description down in the video link below. Fix your attachment, guys, please. Number one, so that you can actually work together as a couple, you're not scared of sharing your needs and you don't go bankrupt. Now this is a fun one. A big part of marriage is sex. Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about really good sex. This is a need, not a want. So I'm gonna put that to bed right now. Good sex and loving sex is a need. It's not a want in a marriage. In a marriage. I don't even care if it's a need for men or women, it's a need in a marriage. Just about every marriage out there, maybe not every marriage, but just about need sex to happen. There's a number of reasons. Now the female sex drive we've talked about is a huge indicator for the health or wellness of the marriage or the brokenness of the marriage, right? Female sex drive is huge for this. It's the thermometer of your marriage. You want it hot. You want a hot marriage all the time because if it gets cold, things are gonna get ugly because that means the relationship is cold. She is a huge indicator for the health of the overall relationship. Focus on building that emotional intimacy. Now the emotional intimacy should lead to physical intimacy, which then should lead to sexual intimacy. Oxytocin, oxytocin, right? Of this bonding hormone. Oxytocin is released in the absence of stress when cortisol is low, it doesn't block the production and reception of it. It releases in the absence of stress when you're emotionally close to each other and relaxed in each other's presence and then able to share and bond through that sharing. Great conversations, walks together, physical contact when you're relaxed, all of those pieces release oxytocin. I've got a ton of teaching on this on my YouTube channel. You can check out other videos for that if you need, but specifically, you need to be making sure she's getting high oxytocin, that both of you really are, that you're releasing that together. If you build that good oxytocin creates really good physical contact because you become spontaneously affectionate. You wanna hold each other more, you wanna kiss each other more, you wanna be closer to each other. That leads into more oxytocin, which then when you get into the bedroom, you don't go from zero to 100, you start doing foreplay because it's so much fun. That starts building more oxytocin. The purpose of foreplay is to build oxytocin. If you prime your wife throughout the day, guys, you won't need as much foreplay because her engine's already been running all day long and she's ready to go. But foreplay is good for men and women because it boosts your oxytocin. And remember, guys, after that first year, the novelty of sex might start to wear off with dopamine, but the oxytocin will keep your sex drive enormously high toward her. Keep that in mind. That's how you enjoy having sex long term with the same person over and over and over. But the oxytocin becomes crucial. After a year, men really need foreplay as well, typically, not that you can't function without it, but that things get so much better with it. And that leads directly into sex. Now, she is so aroused, sometimes within seconds after intercourse, after penetration, she can orgasm that fast, you guys. If you want that happening, multiple orgasms, you want constant, constant good flow of sex in your relationship all the time, get the emotional intimacy there. Now, I have a method for this, guys. I'm gonna make it really simple. Guys are probably watching this saying, what do I do? What's emotional intimacy? How do I do this? Share. You share with her and here's exactly why. And here's how a four-step process to share with your wife to boost her emotional sex drive very quickly. This works. Wives write in all the time when I talk about this and say, oh, Adam, thank God, you've discovered the method. Please teach this to everybody. I watched this video with my husband and it's working. Using this method can three times the amount of sex you have in a week. If it's zero, then you'll just get three more times. Don't worry about it. We'll get you there where you're having sex three, five times a week. Trust me, it's great to be having sex that much. You'll enjoy it. All right, four-step method. Number one, guys, women share emotionally and communicatively, not just to solve problems, but to bond, to connect, to see that they're worthy of time, worthy of attention, that you care about them, that you actually invest enough in them to listen and then to start talking solutions down the road and then working together. It's about trust and intimacy. So not sharing is death. I saw a great video from the 1940s either it was black and white filming a woman talking about how her husband just came home from work and he never, ever tells her about his workload ever so she never knows what his life is like. He is gone in the video. She was talking about he leaves at six, he comes home at 1 a.m. This was back in like the 40s, 50s and she never knows about him. She never hears about his day. And he said, I don't wanna add more weight to your plate because you deal with so much at home. You can't help me with my problems. Why would I share with you? It would make your life harder. And she said, no, not sharing with me is making my life harder because I feel so disconnected from you. That's male and female communication right there. Why would I dump my problems on your plate when you can't solve them and it will make you miserable? Men thinking, women, I am miserable because you are not sharing with me so I don't feel close to you. Guys, see the problem? So here's what you're gonna do. Guys, find a problem. Find a problem in your life. I don't care what the problem is. Your motorcycle won't start. There's a coworker who's annoying you, right? You want a promotion at work. You're stuck on a project. Find a problem in your life. Go to her and say, hey, babe, can I pick your brain for five minutes? Can you just listen to me? I'm gonna get your thoughts on something. Share the problem. Let's say it's a coworker. Women love relationship problems especially. There's this guy at work, right? We're always at odds. He never listens to me. We're always fighting over projects. It's a fight to get things done. It's a struggle and he has horrible ideas but he always thinks he's right. Share the problem. Next, share how the problem makes you feel. Makes you relatable. Makes her understand your way of thinking. I'm frustrated. It makes it hard to go to work. I almost just wanna quit my job and I just wanna get things done but I can't get around him. I'm just so frustrated by this guy. Makes you relatable and she understands how your thinking works around problems. Number three, share the solution you're thinking of applying. Yes, already have a solution and share it with her. I know that sounds weird. Why would I share it with my wife? I already have a solution. No, wait a minute. Share the solution. I think I'm just gonna hit him in the head with a brick and that will solve the problem. Cool. Here's what you do. Here's why you share the solution with her because the male brain goes back to observe a problem and forward to act upon the problem. Observe a problem, grab a solution, fix it. Hit him in the head with a brick. Fantastic. The female brain observes and then goes back and forth and back and forth and back and forth across the hemispheres analyzing all the relationships that that solution is connected to and third level consequences that you haven't even imagined yet. They're gonna happen in an alternate dimension three years from now. Her brain will piece those together. Use that. Here's what you say. Not, should I do it? Don't make it her decision. They don't want that. Here's what my solution is. What do you think of that? Or can you give me some insight on this? Do you think that's a good idea? Do you see something I've missed? Or even just share with me. What are your thoughts on this? Open up the floor and let her discuss. And you, like me, will probably be shocked at what your wife brings to the table because she will start spouting off ideas. This could happen. This could, yeah, if you hit him in the head with a brick that will solve that. But what about this guy over here who's gonna hit you with a brick? She'll bring up all kinds of things that you haven't even thought of. My wife is incredible at this. I love this connection we have. It's the difference between the male and female brain. We complement each other. That doesn't mean we separate to solve problems. We're supposed to solve problems together. Then we find the solutions. Then we talk them through with the female brain that refines that solution and makes sure it's safe and workable and then clicks back in with a better version of that solution. That's how it's supposed to function. In a healthy marriage, that's awesome. So do this and then thank her for that insight. Thank you, babe. I appreciate that. I'm gonna have to think about this. Maybe I'll refine my solution a little bit more. This gives a massive, enormous emotional boost because you have made her valuable in your relationship. Here's the thing. This tells her that you are going to stay with her for a long time. This tells her that she has a method for becoming more valuable to you over time as she learns how your brain works and the solutions you like and the processes you deal with her solutions and her answers and help can become more helpful over time. She can refine like an AI program more and more as she learns about you and builds beautiful solutions that work perfectly for you. What this also does is as she ages, she trades beauty and wisdom or beauty and youth and fertility for wisdom and experience and being refined into helping you create the best legacy together. There we go. That you can possibly create and she is more valuable to you than any 19-year-old bikini bimbo could possibly be. So she is secure and safe. Her sex drive goes up through the roof as she's bonding with you. This is how you do it, guys. Please use this method. Start doing this. Do it weekly if possible. If you do this once a week, find a problem. Don't invent one, don't be fake, but find a problem, bring it to your wife and talk it through every week, every other week, once a month even. Do this and you will see the emotional intimacy start boosting. Here's another piece. Female bonding, right? Guys, have you ever had your wife come home and you ask, hey, babe, how's your day? And she starts talking about what she ate and the shoes she wore and her arch nemesis at work, right? The other woman she hates, every woman has one of these women. And what she ate for lunch then and how she felt about the salad she had for lunch, the feelings that inspired her. And you're wondering why she's sharing all this insane information with you. And so you shut her off. You're trying to find the solution to the problem to solve. You find it, wait a minute, I can solve that. And you shut her down to give her the solution. And you're so happy because you think she'll be happy that you just gave her the solution to her problem. You found the problem, you solved it. What you've just done is tell her, I don't have time for you. I'm not interested in hearing about your day. Here's your solution, go away. That's what you've just done in Woman Speak. Don't do this. And women, please understand that when you come home and do that, if his brain is naturally designed to start finding solutions. So if you aren't letting him find and supply solutions, if you get mad at him, if he tries to give you solutions, you're punishing him for trying to love you. So men and women, both, here's what you do. Women, please say, hey babe, let me share with you about my day. Okay, she wants to share, I will listen. The problem, male brain, or the problem is that she wants to bond. I can solve it by listening. And then he can sit down and eat popcorn and listen to you for five hours because he's solving a problem. Men, here's what you do is ask, hey babe, wait, I'm happy to hear this. I just wanna make sure I give you what you need. Do you wanna share with me? Are you sharing or do you need a solution? Otherwise I will, I'm happy to listen. Don't say, do you just want me to listen? Don't minimize it. Do you wanna share with me or do you need a solution right now? So I make sure I get you what you need. No, I wanna, nine times out of 10. No, I really wanna share. Great, that's, guys, click that in your brain. The problem is that she wants to be close to you. The solution is to sit there and listen and engage actively, listen to what she's saying. Well, babe, that's crazy. Oh, tell me that again. Whoa, she did what? Go about that and bond and connect. That will build a lot of emotional intimacy through your day as well. Both of you start doing this. This will bond and build that emotional intimacy. Female sex drive will go way up here. Guys, you will be fighting her off with a stick. It'll be great. You'll have five kids just like I do. So what about male bonding, right? We don't wanna just one side of this coin. Men bond best through vasopressin. Now, vasopressin is a hormone released in the presence of stress when you overcome it together. I tell women this and they say, great, I'll just pull a knife on him. That'll stress him out. Or don't be his piece, be his stress. No, no, no. Solve stress together. And also women say, can I just give him a task to solve for me? No, no, no. Solve stress together. Hey, babe, here is a problem. How can we fix it? Great, let's do that, right? You pay off a debt together. High five, right? You do a jigsaw puzzle and you solve it. High five, you refurbish a chair. You fix a car problem. You learn a skill together. You go take a dancing class, practice it and get better and better and better at it and then you achieve a milestone. Celebrate the milestones. It can be anything. Let him teach you a skill and then as you grow, celebrate your milestones he's training you. Men bond really well through teaching, by the way. That's how we bond best with our kids, especially. Vasopressin is bonding through solving little stresses together and celebrating milestones. Women out there, if you want men to bond with you, with Vasopressin, really, really, really important that you have problems to solve together. Attachment issues, again, make you solve problems alone or make you feel like you did all the work. Solving problems together in a company, for example, brings you back together. Vasopressin is enormously important. Now, this extends the life of the marriage. The research actually shows that couples who have the highest levels of Vasopressin bonding are the ones most likely to stay together because their brain says, you are my ally. I now want to emotionally invest in staying with you, which increases the man's likelihood of oxytocin bonding, then, with you and wanting to, because his brain says, keep her. So more Vasopressin bonding. It also brings back the honeymoon phase. You know that stupid saying about how the passion dies in every marriage and it's always gonna be doomed? Well, no, the passion doesn't have to die. It's the Vasopressin bonding that has died and it's got stale. Bring the Vasopressin back, brings the honeymoon phase back that fast. You can have 20 honeymoon phases through the course of your marriage if you want to, by building Vasopressin events in. This also means that when you hit a crisis, he won't turn away from you and try to solve it alone or with his secretary, he will solve the problem with you because his brain has been programmed to solve problems with you as an ally. Enormously important that you do this. Now, tips to release Vasopressin. Jigsaw puzzles, repairing them around the house, restoring furniture, building Ikea bookshelves if you can survive the experience, that's good. Restoring a car, building a birdhouse, learning that skill together like I talked about, letting him teach you a skill, solving life stress. There's plenty of life stress around you, you don't have to invent that. Supporting him in his mission. My wife does this with me, hey babe, you have a big event coming up, how can I help you with that? Oh, I will not have time to cook healthy whole meals. Can you keep some hot meals ready for me so I don't default to junk food? Yes, I will do that. Amazing, that helps me in my mission. As I stop and pause each day and I eat those good clean meals, I'm like, wow, she's really helping me. That's why I'm here telling you, like my wife helps me on my mission, because she really does. That's Vasopressin bonding with us as we built this company together, as we built all of our legacy together. It's important though, to celebrate milestones. My wife and I are that cheesy couple that when we do something together, we both yell Vasopressin and we high five because we are doing it, but we're also acknowledging that we are solving problems together as a team and that reinforces for us, oh, we are a team. This is worthy of celebrating. We don't just blaze right past it and not bond, we stop and celebrate it. I suggest you two do the same thing there, do it. The softer bonding experience, more back to oxytocin again, right? How do you oxytocin bond for both of you? Once he's invested through Vasopressin, once she's getting some oxytocin through the conversations, this is huge like I said for the female sex drive and the orgasm and all of that good stuff. Oxytocin builds like this. All the talking methods we discussed before, holding hands more. So many couples forget to hold hands or just put your arm around her or lay on him or let him lay on your chest or all kinds of things. One of the biggest things when couples have no physical contact, I have her lay down on pillows and have him lay his head on her chest. Guys at first are like, this is weird. You're super stiff and awkward. And then the woman starts to really enjoy it because frankly, women are programmed to love somebody laying on their chest like babies and it releases a ton of oxytocin for her. And guys, if you can relax into it, especially if you vasopressin bonded with her and you feel safer with her as a human being and you actually like her, then you'll start to release oxytocin yourself as well. Cause you were programmed to also release oxytocin when laying on a woman's breast. Baby, it's just science. Lay on each other, take walks together, snuggle together on the couch, like snuggle on a little blankie when you're watching a movie. Watch funny movies together and not movies where you're just staring at the screen the entire time, but watch movies you've seen 15 times so that you can laugh and make fun of them. One of my wife's favorite series ever is Mystery Science Theater 3000, the old ones where they watch the cheesy, terrible movies and they laugh and joke through them. And now she and I watch cheesy movies and we do our own version of those riffs and we riff on the movies together the whole time we're doing it. We have a blast. We've seen the movies a million times and we're bonding as we go through the movies together. Die Hard is a great one to do this with, by the way, I recommend Die Hard. Also fun games and also the old classic dinner dates. How many married couples forget to go on dates? How many married couples forget to have fun together and forget to bond? This is a terrible, terrible thing. You need to be bonding and dating your partner. Continue doing that. You would do this with a co-founder, right? You don't never speak again. You don't visit each other's offices. You don't never ever interact outside of work ever. You don't shut down the relationship completely. All right, we're co-founded. That's done. We no longer have to build our relationship. No, you continue maintaining your co-founding relationship so that there's harmony in the business, right? Same thing in marriage. Why on earth would you stop doing that in marriage? It's even more important to do it there, you guys. Continue maintaining the emotional bond. This is why continuing to date after marriage is absolutely crucial. Vasapressin renews that passion and it protects you from crises. Oxytocin builds that long-term love and joy for men and women, right? Why would I have sex with the same woman for the rest of my life? Well, the oxytocin and vasapressin bonding, you do with her. You won't want to really have sex with anybody else. You will, not that you'll never have desires, but you will be so focused into this relationship, it will be so fulfilling that you'll realize sex with somebody else would be like eating a really sugary donut. Yeah, once in a while, your sugary donut sounds okay, but why? But you'd rather have the best burger you've ever eaten in your life that every time you eat it, it is just as wonderful as the first time you ate it or a sugary donut from a gas station. Most guys would choose the burger. The burger is strong, guys. Just, we'll talk about the burger effect another time, but it's good, just trust me. Men in sex, you can get vasapressin in sex. Ladies, if you want to release vasapressin in sex, here's how you do this, right? Ladies, have you ever had your husband come to you? Maybe when he was younger, maybe when you guys were having fun. And he's like, all right, today we're going to give you 10 orgasms. And ladies are like, why 10? Why that number? Why would we do that? Well, I don't even know if I want 10, like, please. Like, I'd like to walk after this. Maybe, yeah, the first couple of times you enjoyed it, but eventually it feels arbitrary. It feels weird. Why is he doing this? The guys are trying to set a goal, stress, set a goal and meet it with you together as a team. This is incredible. If guys are doing this, ladies, do not turn them down. Now you don't have to hit 10. You could say a more reasonable goal, I would rather have four. Can we please do four really big ones? Can we work together to achieve four? Ladies, if you have a hard time doing this, it might be because you have oxytocin deficiency, actually. So you may have to hit your goal of one. Let's do one. Many women, they fail to vasopressin bond with men during sex. We'll talk about that a little bit, but if you're having that experience, build the oxytocin, everything should get better. Build the vasopressin bonding through sex by letting him hit those goals together with you. And both of you should be oxytocin bonding. This is the biggest problem that men do when they get into really heavy porn use is they have porn sex. They think that sex is all about activities. It's all about novelty. It's all about 15 different positions. It's all about driving, give it to her heart as hard and fast as humanly possible. And they almost forget she's in the room. That it's not an intimate experience. It's a rough experience, typically. And women know the difference. Now, anxiously attached women will be happy they're just getting the attention and avoidantly attached women don't usually want emotional intimacy, but over time, as she bonds to you, even anxious women will want more and healthy women will always want more. So oxytocin during sex comes from maybe pausing, laughing, sharing, connecting, checking in with each other, right? It doesn't have to be weird. You don't have to say, how are you doing? Just checking in, laughing, pausing, kissing, going back to a little bit of foreplay, having it be an experience that you build together. Every time you have sex, it should be an experience that you create together. Now it's not to say you never have a quickie. It's not to say sex is never rough, but even that, build the experience together and have a good time, a mutual time. Don't forget that they're in the room. Good sex, like I said, is not like porn. It's not about focusing on body parts and activities. It flows, it flows from the emotional intimacy. The emotional intimacy flows into the physical contact, non-sexual physical contact. That flows into the oxytocin, the foreplay. That flows into the intercourse. That flows into that fun and laughter and silliness during sex. That flows into the check-ins. That flows into more play and more activities and more fun. And that flows into multiple orgasms for her and a great giant orgasm for him, or two or three. Guys, if you want multiple orgasms, often oxytocin is the one that does that. Yes, you can have that initially with a dopamine burst with one partner, but that will wear off over time, typically. If you want multiple orgasms, guys, start building your own oxytocin levels. That'll help you spring back to life pretty quick. Like I said, one last time, please remember this point. Sex should be a shared experience that the two of you enjoy and build together. So if you follow the tips that we've talked about here today, your marriage should be a rich and fulfilling experience that lasts for life. You should have a partner you can trust. You should have lots of great sex. Financial stability and safety, right? No divorce, no destruction, no absolute bankruptcy. It's also gonna create better safety for your kids, right? Which is what you probably wanna build if you have kids and your relationship. The legacy you create together will be intact. If you maintain these steps, your life won't go bankrupt and you won't destroy your legacy together. That's what divorce really does is wound the legacy that both of you are each trying to create and splits your legacy down the half and then damages both of your ability to create a good legacy going forward. It diminishes the impact you could have had on this world. This, everything we've talked about will give you that rich, fulfilling bond for life that boosts your legacy even more. Now, you can easily see how a proper, healthy, loving marriage that your kids get to watch is going to lead into great parenting. And that's why the next episode is all about parenting, especially parenting with good attachment. So make sure you don't miss this. In the meantime, if you wanna learn more about the male sex drive, more about the female sex drive, more about building those good relationships and long-term marriage, check out my attachment boot camp video course that is linked below in the video description. It's also my website, Adam Lane Smith, and I will see you in that next episode all about good parenting.