 Grab your Stave Puff Marshmallows because it's time for a roast. Today I'm gonna be going over 2016's Ghostbusters. Also sometimes referred to as Ghostbusters. Answer the call. I'd rather not. I would have gave my left wonton for a proper Ghostbusters 3, but alas, we have this. Let's light him up. The Patreon producer on this movie, Rose Discoulter, he's a myth roll member over on Patreon.com slash Adam Does Movies. And at that tier level, he gets to choose from a plethora of movies that I will roast in their entirety. You can find the full list along with links to become either a myth roll member on YouTube or on Patreon in the description below the video. Thanks again, Colter, for making me rewatch this trash. All right, let's get busting. The movie fires up with the Sony logo, which we all know is synonymous with quality. We then see the embarrassing Ghostcore logo because remember, everything at that time was trying to be the next MCU. Dark Universe springs to mind. R.I.P. After One Film. All right, here we go. Gabe from The Office. He was a tour of the Aldrich mansion. He takes note of some of the artifacts collected by terrible people over the years, and then he turns the attention to the queen bee in the room. Good old Gertrude Aldrich, say that five times fast. A daughter so miserable, they had to keep her isolated to one room in the house and fed her through a slot in the door. If only we could do that with all women, right fellas? Subscribe for misogyny. The candle falls off the dresser and underneath we see some blue activity taking place. I'm sure that won't come into play later on. Later that night, it comes into play. Jared from Silicon Valley notices the doorknobs start to turn to the lady's room. A room that has gone completely untouched for decades. Much like the Ghostbusters in this film. Foolishly goes in, the door slams behind him, locks, the stairs break, oozes all over the place, and he screams as the camera slowly zooms in and the iconic Ghostbusters theme song kicks on for 20 seconds. I clocked it. Ghostbusters title comes up and fades away faster than anyone's memory of this movie. We drop into a college campus where we meet our main protagonist of the film, Aaron. She has an uncomfortable conversation with a few of her colleagues. This is a perfect sequence to start the movie because it's really gonna be a template for every single conversation moving forward. She's psyching herself up for a lecture she's given in the big conference room. She was recently published and she has a meeting later for tenure. It's a big day for Aaron. I'm sure everything is gonna go just swimmingly. Ed Begley Jr. interrupts Aaron's motivational twerking to ask her about a book she wrote several years back. The topic, paranormal activity, the timing couldn't be worse. The ghost from her past dredged up again. She needs to keep it away because much like her fashion sense, it's not a good look. Speaking of looks, every man she comes into contact with isn't a fan of her wardrobe. And quite frankly, I can't blame them. She looks like a cat woman got stuffed inside my grandma's futon from 1966. After another awkward conversation, you know what, that's redundant for this movie. After another conversation, we get a quick shot of the bust of Egon Spangler. And I'm not sure why because this movie is a reboot. It's a completely new thing. Egon has no purpose here, but I guess it's far enough back. It's just a prop, it's an Easter egg that it's not that big of a deal. But for guys like me that are sniffing and searching things out, we see it as nostalgia. It's a palpable drug. Not at all thrilled that her book has resurfaced, she goes to the source of the problem, an old friend of hers. And that old colleague is Abigail Yates, played by Melissa McCarthy. Abby's really jazzed up right now because she's working under a false pretense that the person knocking on the door is none other than the Chinese delivery guy. She is super pumped to get her hands on those wantons he's carrying. She mentions the word wanton more in this film than I've ever said in my entire life. The joke is never funny, but they keep on trying to make it be. She's like doing a rejected Jerry Seinfeld standup routine. What's the deal with wantons? Every time I order them, there's only like one ton in there. That's not what I ordered. Someone get me the rest of the wantons. Did I order wantons or want nuns? While she's on the phone with the Chinese restaurant, we're introduced to Holtzman, creepily sitting in the background. She's quirky. She's so fucking quirky. I guess she's played by Kate McKinnon. I put played in air quotes because she's not actually acting in this film. Holtzman's not a character. She's a character of a character. There's nothing even remotely believable about this performance. It's just Kate McKinnon acting quirky and weird and bizarre all the time and making weird faces. Kind of doing weird things with her body. Every scene she's in in this movie, she's doing something awkward. Her character specializes in particle physics and queefing forensics. That's right. The next joke's gonna feature the three gales gathered around as a queef sounds played. We still have almost two hours to go in this movie. They're informed of the spooking at the mansion so they hoof it downstairs and just look at this shit. Not, I have to put a bow on it. Holtzman here. Just all over the, she's like a Looney Tunes character. What are you doing even? Try to act even 5% more natural. Egon Spangler was definitely weird. He was a nerd, but he still felt like he was part of a normal society. Like a functioning adult. I don't know what Kate McKinnon is doing. Garrett, who is somehow very much still alive. Something got lost in translation, I feel like. Tosses the keys to the ladies and says, you're going to die in there. Considering how he made it out completely unharmed, I'm not sure how dire this situation really is. So the dickless women head to the house. It's true. They have no dicks. Now in the house, Abby's fidget spinner goes wild as paranormal activity starts to break out. A class four apparition appears. It's Gertrude. Aaron attempts to communicate with the spirit via Owen Jurassic World hand movements. Whoa, whoa girl. Easy. Hey, easy. Unfortunately, this doesn't work. And Gertrude astral projects all over her. I found it hot. In fact, this is now the only way I can achieve climax. Needless to say, the ladies get really jazzed about seeing a ghost. They film it. They go nuts outside. They do a little bit of dancing, which there's going to be a whole lot of in this film. I can't wait. And after a stupid, crazy dance from Holtz, Aaron gets canned. We watch her for far too long. Do the walk of shame for getting fired and for starring in this film. Abby also gets canned from the other school and the dean there tells her to suck it and then flips her off in various ways. This is a movie written by an adult. In the subway, we get our introduction to both the villain of the picture and a creepy dude. Patty follows the weirdo down the tracks and comes face to face with a ghost of her own. She takes off in a mad panic. And we find out this dude here, he's trying to communicate with the dead. The ladies are out shopping for a place to set up shop. The iconic fire station makes an appearance, but unfortunately it's far too expensive for these gals. So they find themselves setting up just above the Chinese restaurant. And this is really perfect for a couple of reasons. One, they have a place to store their shit. And two, we have easy access to further wonton jokes. That's right. The writer and director, Paul Feige, gives us front row seats to the magic and splendor that is the Melissa McCarthy wonton variety hour. Watch her dazzle us with more observational humor about what's or what's not in the cup. Her stuttering commentary will wash over you like a blanket of perfection as she astutely points out things that aren't how they should be. Now for no reason at all, Holtzman's dancing again. This time to debarge his rhythm of the night. It's just the rhythm of my shit, this whole movie. I hate this. The star of Thor, Love and Thunder himself, enters the arena. He's applying for the secretary job. His name is Kevin and he's adorable. And you'll never forget that his name is Kevin because they say his name 800 times in this movie. Kevin, where's Kevin? I love Kevin. Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Shut the fuck up. Aaron is captivated by his devishly good looks and boyish intellect. I know boxes of rocks don't have an IQ level. That's the joke, is dumber than a box of rocks. But even in the case of Kevin, I feel like there's gotta be a rock dumber than the dumbest rock and that would be Kevin. He also dabbles in graphic design. He shows them a potential new Ghostbusters logo, which is just Melissa McCarthy in the nude. It's surprisingly accurate and now the only way I can really achieve climax. Kevin dips out but Leslie Jones comes in. She takes the ladies on a road trip to the subway where she's hoping to introduce them to a class four ghost but just find some graffiti on the wall. I'm sure that won't ever come back into play. Abby's French tickler starts to hum when it gets around some trash that contains some electrical discharge. It's not the only thing discharging, am I right? Aaron tests out the new proton pack tech and the beam reacts the same way as everything else she touches. It's more flaccid than Leonardo DiCaprio at a 25 and up mixer. Aaron now drenched head to toe in ectoplasmic goo. It's the only way I can achieve climax. Back at the ranch, Paddy offers upper services to join the team and throws in a new car. You get a car and you get a car. This is a timely reference. A hearse seems appropriate. This movie was dead on arrival. The bell hop bad guy is excited to unleash hell upon the city but his plan isn't quite ready yet, which is good because we got a lot more dancing and Kevin hijinks to go through. It's testing time, baby. Abby gets the dishonor of flying around like a jackass and doing all sorts of comical pratfalls. Meanwhile, at a metal concert at the Stonebrook Theater, Rowan is looking to get his ghost on. I keep Rowan, Rowan, Rowan, Rowan, what? I know you've been loving this ghost right here. Pizza party. Kristen Wiig tells a super boring ghost story. They then perform a college arts interpretive dance number because this movie hates comedy. Just then, the ladies are brought up on the news that for some reason has volume and they're referred to as the Ghostbusters. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bullshit. Dr. Martin Heiss, famed debunker. He's not feeling it. He's played by Bill Murray, which is fantastic. The very same Bill Murray who blew bald Ghostbusters 3 from ever happening even after it was presented time and time again through several different scripts and demands being met, he still said no, but here he is now playing some douchebag other character in a new Ghostbusters movie. How perfect! Kevin, who sadly the funniest person in this film informs the rest of the team that there's a ghost on the loose at the theater that we were at briefly before. They're gonna head there. Before heading out, Patty and Abby find themselves in a good old fashioned game of dry humping the air and everyone's winning, especially me. It's the only way I can achieve climax now. At some point, Holtzman got the hearse redecorated as a shitty version of the Ecto One. This is gonna be a runny thing in the movie where Holtzman just somehow has the time and ability to get all this stuff done. It's quite remarkable. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Fallout Boy has entered the picture to rape my ears with the worst version of a theme song I've ever heard in my existence on Earth. And that's the Ghostbusters theme song. With something strange in the neighborhood. Oh, you're gonna call Ghostbusters. They finally make it to the theater, now sporting some stylish new terrible-looking prison jumpsuits. I hate this movie. Abby's vibrator senses are tingling. Just then a ghost appears. Patty takes off running from the hottest looking thing in this film so far. A faceless mannequin. A giant green demon ghost flies out of the lifeless object and right into our hearts. An entire crowd of people see this beast and do not get phased at all. Not one iota. Not even the band blinks an eye. And the lead singer gets thrown through a bunch of speakers. They keep playing. The crowd keeps on cheering and dancing. What is happening? The show must go on, they say. And unfortunately, so must this movie. The ghost now perched upon Patty's shoulders is still getting zero reaction from the crowd. They're still there. They're right next to it and her. Even as the rest of the team starts blasting the fucker, no one's moving. They successfully trapped the ghost. Everyone claps and cheers. The lead singer's back, not even phased by what had taken place. Acting like nothing happened. I just saw a ghost for the first time. Raaaw. The ghost girls head back to their place to ruin DMX's masterpiece, Party Up. I'd be pissed if I wasn't so incredibly turned on right now. Y'all gonna make me lose my mind. Up in here, up in here. Y'all gonna make me go all out. Up in here, up in here. Y'all gonna make me act a fool. Dr. Martin, who gives a shit his back. I don't know whose idea it was to have Bill Murray rock a fucking hat like this, but it's stupid and it's not funny. So it fits right in. After Erin kills the doctor, the FBI tells the ladies they have to come with them and they had, oh yeah, that's right. Erin straight up kills this guy because she opens the ghost trap after Abby and everyone else says, no, don't do it. It's not a good idea. She goes ahead and does it. And it was in fact a bad idea because the ghost pops out, blows the doctor straight out the window to his death. Thankfully, there's really no investigation at all. It never gets brought back up in the film and all the ladies seem to have just moved on without any sort of consequence or repercussion or any feelings of loss or sadness or regret. Movie just keeps going. Who cares? Guy just died. Guys all suck in this movie anyways or they're really hot and dumb as shit. So either way, it's a win-win. They're taken to see the mayor played by Andy Garcia, who evidently lost a bet and was forced to be in this film as some sort of repayment. Can't think of another reason why he's here. He wants the ladies to tell the world they're frauds even though he knows what they're doing is real because he doesn't wanna cause panic, mass hysteria, cats and dogs and all that stuff. They reference it. It's referenced to, I guess, remind audiences once more there's a way better version of this film that was already done a long time ago. There's no reason for this to exist. After getting back from the meeting, Holtzman reveals a whole new lineup of gadgets and trinkets and toys galore for the kids to buy at Target or Walmart the day they release. Nobody's buying this shit, but that was the idea, I think. Again, when did she do this? The ladies have been together every single moment of this film, day and night. There hasn't been a long passage of time. There hasn't been any real montages to speak of. When is she tinkering and making this crap? I don't understand. And these are complex gadgets. This isn't a one and done affair. This isn't a Tuesday afternoon project. I would imagine this would take months of design preparation, but I'm overthinking, of course. It's just so hard for me to get on board with, oh look, a fat lady's falling again. Hahahaha, hahahaha, hahahaha, hahahaha, hahahaha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Kevin, who's more dog than human, does more funny stuff. Using some Scooby-Doo investigatory skills, the ladies figure out that X marks the spot and Rowan is hatching something big in this central location. In this very spot, a vortex will open, releasing ghosts into our world. So they take off to the source of the commotion and along the way, they're greeted by Annie Potts. Of course, because Nostalgia, they find Rowan, who goes full monologue instantaneously. But instead of having to suffer through another minute conversing with these women, Rowan does the only logical next step. He kills himself. But then he's back, baby, in the form of a ghost, able to now take over the body of Abby herself. Probably could have picked a better option, but he takes over Abby's body, now possessed. Melissa McCarthy is uncontrollably vomiting all over the walls of her bathroom. It's the only way I can achieve climax now. To get this demon out of her friend, Patty starts bitch slapping her and yelling until my ears bleed, the power of Patty compels you. Rowan, now unchained from McCarthy, takes over Kevin, who was in a cosplay of a fellow ghostbuster. Now with the new buff body and the power of Thor, he's able to take out two security guards with ease. Rowan activates the ghost machine and of course, a giant beam shoots up into the sky, opening up the vortex. Giant beam in the sky, the style of the time. Night falls, chaos ensues. A taxi driver pulls up to give Aaron a lift. It's Dan Aykroyd. He says the thing. I ain't afraid to know ghosts. And then he leaves Aaron's ass behind. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Now slimer's here? Nostalgia-gasm! Ah! I'm ecto-wunning! I'm ecto-wunning! Ah! This movie won't end. Two hours and 13 minutes is the longest movie I've ever sat through in my life. The other three ladies are now battling giant ghost floats because it's the only way we could get the Stay Pupped Marshmallow Man to make a cameo in this. Ha ha ha ha ha, Nostalgia! Meanwhile, and for no reason at all, outside of the fact that it's been 10 minutes before the last dance sequence, we get another one. Think Jim carries the mask, but not funny. And you have whatever the hell this is. Rowan leads a dance mob that he controls because he, for some reason, has the power to just control everyone like he's the fucking dark phoenix. Begging the question, why doesn't he just rip off the heads or snap the body parts of the Ghostbusters? But we're thinking too much about this movie. And besides, you shouldn't worry you're pretty little head thinking about that. You should be dancing, yeah! Skippity-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop. Skippity-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop. Now we have some Ghostbusters' green screen combat taking place to show off those new weapons along with a PlayStation 4 and other Sony products you can find on the billboards in the background because synergy, baby. Slimer and Slimerette cruise by for one final cameo. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, soldier! Rowan leaves Kevin's body and turns into a giant Ghostbusters logo because there's no creativity in this film. The gigantic white turd starts man-of-stealing his ass through all the buildings in the film. The ladies have no other option but to fight. After one failed attempt, they decide to collectively hit him where it hurts. The ghost penis. You see, even with all Rowan's clever ideas and creative ingenuity, he's still missing one key feature. He's not a strong female lead. And for the Ghostbusters franchise, it's about time. We watch as these ladies absolutely punish his junk. It's quite frankly the only way I can achieve climax. They blow up the vortex, but Rowan pulls Abby in. All seems lost as these two surely plummet to their death. In a scene that's very reminiscent, both cinematically and emotionally, to that of the Lord of the Rings where Gandalf fights the ballrog. It's a striking moment. One, I dare you not to shed a tear for. Erin decides to go after her friend, Tom cruising down the vortex. Erin go down the hole. Subscribe for tiny tunes references. It's daytime again. Thankfully, the ladies survived and they picked up a couple of bad white wigs on their way up. While out for mimosas, the mayor's assistant stops by to tell the gals they can have anything their hearts dream up. But what do you get for women that have everything going for them? Well, the firehouse, of course. The iconic scene from the first original movie is coming to the sequel. I can't wait to see this firehouse and all its glory with these ladies going up and down the poles, up and down the poles, over and over. It's the only way I can achieve. Sadly, I don't think that day's ever gonna come. The movie's not done yet, though. We have one final reveal. Patty's uncle pulls up and it's none other than Winston. I mean, not Winston. Ernie Hudson, who played Winston. Remember Winston? Member Nostalgia! A line of my pop, pop, line of my pop, line of my pop, pop, Nostalgia! And the final feather in this movie's crap is one more wanton joke. You gotta love it. What's the deal with the wantons? When you place an order for wantons, you expect the wantons to arrive. Anyone can take the order. It's the process of delivering the wantons that actually matters. And as a special love letter to people who hate film, we get the full dance number in its entirety as the credits roll up. What a fucking treat. Well, that's Ghostbusters 2016. I answered the call, have you? Leave a comment below. Tell me if you saw this movie in theaters and how sad you were that they never got a sequel. Or if you're like me and you thought, wow, this movie sucks and it has no reason to exist, put it in the comments. If you like the roast, I'd love to hear your thoughts on that as well. Maybe think about becoming a myth, remember, even for a month so you can get your name produced on one of these videos. I have a blast doing them. I hope you have a good time watching them. Like the video, subscribe if you haven't, and share it around. That's the only way this is gonna get eyeballs because YouTube's not like, oh, Ghostbusters 2016, we better push this out to people. This is something that's paramount to society right now. No, they don't care. So let them know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some astral projecting vomit porn to watch. ["Vomit Porn"]