 Crab presents The Great Gilder Sleeve. Yeah. It's The Great Gilder Sleeve starring Harold Perry in a new season of Fun For Everyone, brought to you by Crab, makers of parquet margarine, and a complete line of famous quality food products. Thousand and one time no. Do you get it? No. Did he say Leroy? He said no. Where is he? Out on the front porch on the swing. What's he doing? What do you think he's doing? Just lying there. Let me try him. You stay here. Well, it looks as if they were closing in on Uncle Throckmorton. But before they corner him, here's a special message from Kraft. Get a picture of this, a steaming hot dinner roll fresh out of the oven with its fragrant aroma tempting your appetite. But wait a moment. The picture isn't complete, not until that roll is covered with a delicious spread, slowly melting into each fluffy morsel. And that's the spot for smooth, delicate tasting parquet margarine. Parquet's fresh, light, taste-tempting flavor has made it the favorite spread in millions of American homes. It's smacking good on hot rolls, toast, bread, pancakes, and waffles. And if you haven't tried parquet, believe me, you have a taste treat waiting for you. Get a package of delicious, economical parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y parquet margarine at your food store tomorrow. Just taste it and you'll know it's good because parquet margarine is made by Kraft. Now let's return to the Great Gilder Slave where we left him taking his ease on his front porch, stretched out comfortably in the swing. Got the oil this thing, it squeaks. Anki, darling. Yes, my dear. Anki, mind if I sit down? You're right ahead. Oh, don't move, I don't want to disturb you. Sit down, sit down, there's plenty of room, just move my feet. Well... Yeah, I know, I got the oil out. Anki, darling. Yes, my dear. Would you like this pillow under your head? I had it under my head, it's too hot. Oh, would you like me to swing you a little? Hmm, that would be nice. Anki. Yes? You're sure I'm not crowding you? Oh, for corn sake, ask him. Ask him what? What's he talking about? Come out here, Leroy. Leroy, you dope. What did I do? I was just getting around to it. Now listen to me, both of you, there's no use getting around to anything, because you're not going to get around me. Do you know what he's talking about, Mark? I know what you're up to. Uncle Mort, really, I don't know what you're thinking, but... Never mind, now listen to your uncle. Listen to your uncle. You too. I'm listening. Listen, this is my vacation, and I've told you both nine million times we are not going to Grass Lake. Aw, dang. I understand perfectly. What don't I understand? The bullets are going. They're going this afternoon. The bullets are nothing but social climbers, if you want my opinion, and you may tell them I said so. No, don't do that. I don't see what the bullets have got to do with it anyway. Ye gods, you practically lived at the bullets all summer. It wouldn't hurt you to see a little less of them, particularly that marshal. Very well. That's the way you feel about it. But it might interest you to know that it wouldn't surprise me if I married marshal one of these days. I'll better than surprise marshal. Oh, shut up. Lee Roy, you talked much too much. Hand me that newspaper. I'm sorry if I said anything about marshal. Marshal's alright in his way. That kid brother is. See, that Craig. Yes? Uh, never mind. What is it? I was going to ask you something, but if I ask you, you'd say no, so I guess I won't ask. If it has anything to do with Grasslake, your assumption is correct. Gee, I haven't been swimming all summer hardly. Some boys get to go swimming all the time. Yes, yes. The last time I was in swimming was the 4th of July. Yep, 4th of July. That was the last time. The last swim I had, 4th of July. Some vacation, no swimming. All I do is hang around the house. I've probably forgotten how to swim. Don't blame me if I fall out of a boat someday and drown. Then stay out of boats. Go away, Lee Roy. Go find something to do. What? Don't ask me. That's just the trouble. There's nothing to do around here. Don't tell me that. Why, I could be busy every minute if I wanted to. I just don't want to. Don't give me that look, Lee Roy. Don't sit there looking like a sick spaniel. Go do something or I'll find something for you to do. Okay, okay. I'll be glad when school starts again. Man works hard all year. He's entitled to a little relaxation that are running around all over the country. Brass Lake. I'd like to see anybody get me off this porch. I'd like to see anybody get me out of this swing. Gilsley, a picture of nice, cold lemonade. Well, that's mighty thoughtful of you, Bertie. Yes, sir. I said to myself, it's such a hot day. I said, I bet Mr. Gilsley would like something cold to drink in case he gets thirsty. You were right, Bertie. Set it right down here on the porch where I can reach down and grab it. Oh, my goodness. I forgot to bring you a glass. I'll go get you one. Who wants a glass? Here, I'll drink it out of the pitcher. Oh, Mr. Gilsley, that's no way. My goodness. Look at that man drinking. Boy, that hits the spot. I think I'll hit it again. Oh, Mr. Gilsley, suppose somebody was to come along now and see you. Ah. Let me go get you a glass. Folks will think we don't live right. That's nonsense, Bertie. The best people drink out of pitchers. Tastes better that way. You mean to tell me you've never drunk well water out of a bucket? Old Oaken bucket? No, sir. All cool and dripping right out of the well? No, sir, I haven't. Neither have I, but I've always wanted to. I heard about a lady once she drank well water and it had polywogs in it. Oh, go on. It's a fact. She was sitting up one night playing dominoes and all of a sudden they heard a croak. They had to rush it to the hospital and operate. Bertie. They took a frog out of her that big. Bertie, that whole story is nothing but plain superstition. Maybe so, but it's a fact. Did you know the lady this happened to? No, sir, but I knew a carpenter that put a new roof on the house she lived in. That was some years after she moved out. Oh, I see. And do you know they told him that to look at that woman you never would have guessed that she once had a frog inside of her? So my advice is stick to lemonade. I'll do that, Bertie. Thanks for the advice and thanks for the lemonade. I'll finish it later. Uh... Mr. Gillespie? Yes, Bertie? Mr. Gillespie, I've been thinking. Pretty hot weather for that, isn't it, Bertie? Yes, that's what I was thinking. It's so hot and all and here it is Labor Day weekend. Last weekend on your vacation. Don't remind me. We had no vacation at all hardly. Oh, I don't know. You ain't. You really ain't. And you worked so hard all year. Yes. Yeah, that's true, Bertie. Yeah, it's quite true. Just lying here on the swing all the time. That ain't no kind of vacation. But I like lying here. I find it restful. I know, but that's no good. These are strenuous times, you know, Bertie. A man has to husband his strength. Big things ahead, big problems, reconversion and all that. Where's you out just to think about them? Then you had no to think about them. You know, maybe if you were to get out of town maybe you could go to some nice place for the weekend. You know, some nice place like Grass Lake. Bertie, who sent you out here with that lemonade? Who sent who out where with what lemonade? You get out of here, Bertie. And you take that lemonade with you. No, wait a minute. Yes? I might have one last sip. Good. You have a sippy sip. There. Take it away now. Take it back to Marjorie. You tell her for me, Bertie. I'm not stirring off this porch. Yes, sir. And I'm not either. No, by George. I'm not. Well, if it is... Hey, Pee-Vee. Oh, no, Mr. Jelly-Clean. Is it hot enough for you? I'm just about to ask you the same thing. What's your hurry? Come on up on the porch. Well, I can't really stop Mr. Jelly-Clean. I've got to be getting down and open up the shop. I'm pretty late as it is. Mrs. Lansons, come on up and be sociable. Well, lying on the swing, aren't you? Yeah, just taking it easy, Pee-Vee. The only way to enjoy life, especially on holidays. Ah, wouldn't say that. Mrs. Pee-Vee and I planned a little joint for the weekend. Mistake. That is, Mrs. Pee-Vee planned it. I'm going along, driving out to visit a cousin, cousin Clara. That is, she's the cousin of Mrs. Pee-Vee's no relation to mine. Sounds like a whale of a time. Well, I wouldn't say that exactly. As a matter of fact, if I knew any way to get out of here. Pee-Vee, any man who takes his car out on the road this weekend is a darn fool. I'm trying to say. Well, I may do it, and I may not. I don't know. I'll never forget the day the war ended. Why? What's the war got to do with it? Well, when I heard the news, it came right in the middle of the supper. Mrs. Pee-Vee cooked me some rhubarb that evening. I got to find a rhubarb, stewed rhubarb. I got stewed a bit down off the blocks and I backed her out into Elm Street. Oh? Well, what happened? Well, the light turned green and my goodness, so was drivers. I ran her right back up to drive and put her back on the blocks again. I never saw anything like it. So as I say, we may be driving out to Cousin Clair, I think we may not. What are your plans for the holiday, Mrs. Pee-Vee? My plans, Pee-Vee, are to spend Labor Day right here in my own front yard on my own front porch and not stir off it. A very wise decision. Of course, you haven't my problem. Though I shouldn't refer to her as a problem. Mrs. Pee-Vee and I usually see more or less an eye on things. More or less. Oh, who's the little fella coming up to walk there? Huh? What? Oh. That bullard kid. Tunning little tag, isn't he? Tunning like a fox. Oh, hello, Craig. Can Leroy play? I guess so. This is Mr. Pee-Vee, Craig. You know Mr. Pee-Vee. I want Leroy to play with me. Well, Leroy's upstairs, I think. Let's go to his room and see, if you want. I want him to come out and play. He'll have to take that up with Leroy. He's upstairs. Mr. Pee-Vee and I are trying to talk now, Craig, so... Tell Leroy to come down. Ha, ha, ha. Look, Craig, you little so-and-so. Mr. Gildersleeve, he's only a child. Well, he started it. Perhaps you don't understand, Craig. Mr. Gildersleeve and I are trying to talk about something important, so why don't you just run along and... I want Leroy to play with me. Mr. Gildersleeve's already told you that Leroy's upstairs, so if you just go out... I want him to come down. Listen, little boy, I don't care what you want, you're going about your business. Excuse me, Mr. Gildersleeve, I think I'll be going on about mine. Yeah, I don't blame you, Pee-Vee. I'll leave you with your little friend. I hope you have a nice holiday, you two. Yes, you card. Well, what are you looking at? Well, don't just stand there and stare. Kid gives me the willies. We'll say something. I want Leroy to play with me. All right. Oh, Leroy. Yeah, what do you want? Hurry down here, my boy. Company. Dirty trick. But now maybe I can get a little peace and quiet. Have you ever frightened a man like that? I'm sorry, Unky, I didn't know you were asleep. Oh, Unky, guess where I've been? You seem out of breath. I've been over at the Bullards. No. And guess what? They've asked me to go to Grass Lake with them. Well, how'd you work that? They're leaving this afternoon, and guess how long they're staying till Monday night. Can I go? It's all right. Please say I can go. Please be a nice uncle and say I can. Well, I... They've got it all arranged. About the rooms at the hotel, I mean. Marshall's going to sleep with somebody. Mr. Bowie's going to sleep with somebody else. Well, I don't know. But Mrs. Bullard and I are going to share a room together. They've got it all arranged. Can I go? Please? Well, I don't see why not. Certainly. I think that'd be fine. Oh, Unky, you're so wonderful. That takes care of her. Oh, I could love you to death. No, no, no. My dear, do you want to break the swing? Let's go over her. Nothing, Leroy. Nothing. Get up, my dear. And let's keep this fine. I won't say a word. Say a word about what? Oh, nothing. Where's Craig? I thought you were playing with Craig, Leroy. He's upstairs. What's he doing? Hiding. But you're not looking for him? No. Leroy. Hi, George. I've got the handle to you. Why didn't I think of that? Listen, I asked the question. What's going on here? What's she feeling so good about? Well, I'm not feeling good, particularly. I mean, why shouldn't I feel good? After all, it's natural, isn't it, to feel good? Oh, here comes Judge Hooker. Hello, Judge. Morning, Marjorie. Leroy. Gildy. Well, this is Glorious Day, isn't it, Glorious? Yes. Glorious beginning for a glorious weekend. Gildy, what are your plans? My plans? Never mind what they are, because they've just been changed. My plans, Judge, are to spend the weekend right here where I am. Well, you won't stick in the mud. You can't stay here on Labor Day. Now, listen, I've got an idea. It's wonderful. Why don't we all drive out to Grassley? Yeah, how about that? We could also stop it. What's this about Grassley? Why has everybody got to go to Grassley? Well, Labor Day weekend, Gildy. You always go somewhere Labor Day weekend. Why go to Grassley? Where else is it to go? Well... It's a golf tournament, Gildy. It opened everybody. I've given up golf. Haven't played it in a year. Not that I couldn't beat you, you old goat. Prove it. Yeah. I don't need to. Come on, Uncle Sean. I'm betting on you. It's much too late. Everybody in town is going to Grassley. We couldn't get reservations. They had one double room left, and I reserved it. Just on the chance. Of course, there's the problem with the children. Oh, you don't need to worry about me. I'm already going with the Bullards. What? Hey, that's a big jib. She gets to go, and I don't. That's no fair. She always gets to go everywhere, and I don't jib. Be quiet. No care. It's a jib. Please, come, Uncle Mort. It'd be such fun if we were all there. Big jib. Come on, Gildy. Now, don't be a wet blanket. We'll find a place for Leroy. I can sleep on my Boy Scout sleeping bag. We'll have more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Mr. Gildy, if I heard what the judge said, I'd think you ought to go. Yeah, I thought I saw you. I thought I saw you. I thought I saw you. Quiet! Listen, all of you, let me make myself perfectly clear. I have not the slightest intention of going to Grass Lake now or ever. Do you understand? We are not going to Grass Lake. And that's final. So, we went to Grass Lake. But that's another story. And before we get into it, here's something of importance from our craft representative. Mr. Lay? Yes? You're just the man I want to see. Why can't I always buy Parquet Marjoram when I go to the store? The war is over, isn't it? Well, sure, everyone knows the war is over. But everyone doesn't know that our American food is still helping to feed a good part of the world. That accounts for temporary shortages of Parquet and food stores. And today, lots more people, you know, are buying Parquet Marjoram because it tastes so good when you spread it on bread, hot toast and rolls. I guess everyone in my family will agree to that. They think Parquet is tops for flavor. And do they know what a wonderful aid Parquet Marjoram is to good nutrition? Nutrition? You mean like food energy? Yes, of course. Parquet Marjoram is one of the richest energy foods you can serve. And it's also a dependable source of important vitamin A the whole year round. It's so economical, too. Right, you are. The good news is that more and more Parquet Marjoram is becoming available in food stores throughout the country. So look for and buy this delicious spread with a fine fresh flavor. Ask for Parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. Parquet Marjoram, made by Kraft. Now let's return to the great Gildersleeve. Well, as I say, we drove out to Grass Lake. Lee Roy and the judge and I. It's a four-hour drive. We made it in eight. You know, Labor Day weekend. Come on, Gildy. They're honking at you. I can hear them. The thing is stalled. Step on the starter. What do you think I'm stepping on? Mission on? Of course it's on. Then you've flooded it. Hey, there's a good humor, man. Not now, Lee Roy. I'm hungry. Try it again. Listen, you want to make something out of it? Just get the car going, Gildy. Get the car going. That's easy enough to say. I hadn't flooded it like a fool. I suppose you could drive it better. Well, I certainly hope so. Very well, Horace. You know so much. You take the wheel. Go ahead. I wash my hands of it. Around to the other side. Go ahead. I'd just like to see you. Just as I thought. The ignition wasn't on. Who turned it off? I never touched it. The judge had to go drive, drive. Well, we started off. I'd like to say at this point that the judge is without doubt one of the worst drivers in the whole of North America. Every time we came to a curb. Stop the car. Stop the car. Look, Horace. Either I drive this car, I get out and walk. Have it your own way, Gildy. Have it your own way. Shove over. Get off of my foot. Well, if you'd get out and walk around, instead of making me crawl over you. Hey, Yunk. What? There's a man. He's selling popcorn. That's nice. That's right. Strip the gears. They're my gears. We started before lunch and we got there too late for supper. It was after dark and you couldn't see a thing. But there we were at beautiful grass lake. File out, Leroy. Leroy, wake up back there. Huh? What? We're there. Hurray! Judge, you take the grips and I'll get the golf bags. No, Gildy. I'll tell you. Why don't you take the grips and I'll take the golf bags? Judge, do we have to make a whole great big thing out of this? No, Gildy. Of course not. Then don't be an old woman. Let's get this darn truncle. Your uncle is evidently a little short tempered, Leroy, as a result of his long trip. Leroy, you take your sleeping bag. What's happened? I suppose they have a bellhop in this broken down hotel. Well, as a matter of fact, Gildy, we're not staying at the hotel. Oh, what? No, we're staying at Honeymoon Cottage. Judge, you didn't tell me this. Well, it's perfectly all right, Gildy. It's owned by the hotel. Hotel was filled up, but it's right next door. Honeymoon Cottage, huh? All right, come on. Honeymoon Cottage. What memories it holds for me? In that room. That dear little room where we spent the night. They called it a double, because it had a double bed. That's all it had. Holy smokes, is this why we sleep? Queen, isn't it? You didn't mention the double bed, Judge. You didn't tell me about that. Well, I'll tell you, Gildy. A little labor there. You old goat, you knew about this all the time. Do you expect the two of us to sleep in that room? No. No. You old goat, you knew about this all the time. Do you expect the two of us to sleep in that thing? Unless you want to sleep on the floor. Leeroy is the lucky one. He brought a sleeping bag. Uh... Leeroy, how would it be? Oh, no, you don't. The sleeping bag is mine. I got it for my birthday, and I'm sleeping in it. I'm going to take it out on the lawn and sleep there. Oh, no, you're not. Why not? Because guests will be walking on you. You're going to sleep right in here with us. Oh, corn. What for you to have in a sleeping bag? I'll tell you, Leeroy. It seems to be a little balcony outside the window here. You can spread your sleeping bag out there. Hey, it's not bad. Somebody at the door yelled at you. Yeah, I'll go. Leeroy, play. What? I thought Leeroy would play with me. Well, he can. It's past his bedtime and it's way past yours. Now get... Go back to your room. Oh, gods. That wasn't a bit of a bullet, though, I wasn't it? Yes, it was, judge. We drive all the way up here, 125 miles, and what do we get? Can Leeroy play? I give up. Let's go to bed. Go to bed. Ha. To bed, but not to sleep. Never tried to sleep with an old goat like Judge Hooker. All knees and elbows. And his feet, cold, like two dead flounders, kept telling him to get him off of me. Get him off of me, Hooker. What's that? What's that? Shove over. You're hogging the bed. How can I be hogging it? I'm falling out. Well, somebody's hogging it. How about a sleep? Pipe down, Leeroy. Well, I turned my pillow over and I tried again. The judge didn't have any trouble, though. He was asleep at no time. Oh, fine. I lay there and listened to that for a couple of hours. And then, finally, I began to doze off. I began to dream. I want Leeroy to play with me. I want Leeroy to play with me. I want Leeroy to play with me. I want Leeroy to play with me. Oh, shut up! Killie, what's the matter? Oh, shut up! Pugie! Oh, be quiet, judge. You want to wake the whole hotel? What's going on in there? Nothing, Leeroy. Nothing. Go to sleep. The judge just had a bad dream. That's all. Turn over, Horace. Try sleeping on your little tummy. Yes, yes, yes. And try to keep your knee out of my face. Yes, sir. Then it began all over again. A long struggle to get back to sleep. I tried to think of pleasant things. I tried to think of my bed at home. No good. I tried to think of Leela. I tried to think of the way she looked. Somehow I couldn't quite remember. Then suddenly, suddenly I met someone that I'd never met before. And oh, she was beautiful. She was awfully beautiful. Funny. Neither of us said a word. I guess because no words were needed. It seems if we'd known each other all our lives, I just took her hand and she took mine. And we walked together down to the shore of the lake where the moon was shining. And there I took her in my arms. Guilty. Let go. Let go. What's your fault? You're strangling me. Oh. Sorry, Judge. Sorry. Say, for corn-sleek, what's going on in there? Nothing, Leera. I go back to sleep. Bad chance. No chance. There was no more sleep that night. Five-thirty daylight began to ooze in under the shades. I couldn't stand it. Quietly began to dress. Get the judge, Leeroy. Get your things on. We're getting out of here. We're going back to town. What? Don't start a fuss. I'll make it up to you some way, my boy. I'll make it up to you. Okay. Shh. Some night, hey, uncle? Yeah, some night, Leeroy. We got dressed and packed our things as quietly as we could. Then we tiptoed to the door and opened it. And we got everything. What about the judge? How will he get back to town? Oh, he'll get back. He has friends. Look at them lying there. I hate a man who sleeps with his mouth open. Close his mouth. Close the door, Leeroy. Softly. Softly. Wait a minute, Gildy. I'm coming with you. Oh! Why the old goat? So it was back to town. Back to good old Summerfield. Yeah, there were traffic jams five miles long. But we didn't care, did we, Leeroy? Nah, they were all going the other way, the dolt. Yeah, that's right. We made wonderful time. And before we knew it... There we were. Home, sweet home. And that, my dear, is why you never saw hide nor hair of us at Grasslake. But Uncle Mort, I don't understand. Leeroy never once got a chance to go in swimming? Yeah, but Sunday I had a banana split and a strawberry soda and a cherry phosphate. And today I had a battleship Sunday and two root beer floats. And that cake, Leeroy. Yeah. Yeah, I think Leeroy and I have reached an understanding. That's why he's always going to do as I tell him hereafter. Aren't you, Leeroy? That's right, Uncle. And never beg to go places or be allowed to do things when I don't want him to. That's right. And always do the chores that have been assigned to him without being told. And pick up my things and always keep my room neat. Mm-hmm. This is too good to last. You better tune in next week, folks. Leeroy, are you feeling all right? I don't know, Uncle. I'm not sure. Good night, everybody. Leeroy, you come with me. The Great Gilder Sleeve is played by Harold Perry. It is written by John Whedon and Sam Moore. The music is by Jack Meakin. This is John Lang speaking for The Craft Cheese Company and inviting you to listen in again next week for the further adventures of The Great Gilder Sleeve. Something special. We mean that very special kind of cheese food. Women are finding so useful in meal planning. It's Pabstette, the delicious cheddar cheese food that melts, slices, toasts, and spreads to perfection. There are a hundred tempting uses for Pabstette, and there are two delicious varieties, Golden Pabstette and Pimento Pabstette. Buy both kinds for a variety of main dish and lunch and time treats. Be sure to add Pabstette cheddar cheese food to your shopping list tomorrow. This is The National Broadcasting Company.