 My gun is stuck on my damn holster. I couldn't get the sun bitch out. Well, if your holster needs a little help, maybe I could help you with it. Oh, well, thank you. Hello. God. Would you prefer me on this side or this one? No, this is fine. I'm already seated. It's kind of worth me to get back up. Here at Queen's, Mr. Cornwood. Cleat as Cornwood. Senior captain. Uh-oh. Wow. Oh, Lord, ma'am, I spilled. Did you spill your milk? Yeah, I did. You want me to clean it up? Yeah, I mean, you know, I think they got somebody for that. And I'm not opposed to the idea of maybe licking something off some wood. I want you to get sticky. Oh, yeah, that's fine. Mustache, actually. Thank you. Yeah, I do. You do? What's your favorite? What's your favorite part about the mustache? Probably the fact that it looks like a caterpillar, slimy and satisfying. OK, yeah, that's good. I don't want to say I've been a criminal, but I could definitely use some. What's the word? Rehabilitation? What do you do for fun, Mr. Cornwood? Oh, usually just catch criminals. Oh, you like the taste? Yeah, yeah, you know, we like to go and I usually drive. I'm a good driver. You know, that's that's usually what I'm known for. Perfect. Yeah, I usually like to ride passenger. Yeah, maybe we could do a ride-along sometime and I could ride you right with you. I think my communication is pretty damn fine. OK. Yeah, my comment is pretty good, too. Some other stuff that I was wondering, like any sports, Mr. Cornwood? Sports, where I played football at East Texas Baptist University. Really? Yeah, I played wide receiver. You played? Yeah, I was wide receiver, around 4, 240 is what I did. Damn, that's pretty fire. So maybe we could play football sometime. I'm decent at handling balls and, well, I don't know if a wide receiver interacts with a Titan too much, but we could make it happen full tackle, right? Uh-huh. Well, we'd be playing on the same side, but you know. Oh, OK. Yeah. I thought we'd go 1v1. Maybe you could do a touchdown on me. Oh, yeah, we could do that, too. We could do one-on-ones. And my knees don't work like they used to. I like your jowls. They remind me of a turkey. Do you like stuffed turkey? Yeah, I'm Thanksgiving. Perfect. Yeah. If you're given, then I guess I'm getting stopped. Well, you too. That's a good question. You know, farming, you know, that's where I come from. Oh, for sure. We have some farmland handling, you know, meat, turkeys. I'm pretty damn fine at farming. I'm a bit of a farm girl. Hogsweezer. Uh-huh. Oh, that's good. And hell, sometimes the damn pigs get out, and they're so damn slippery, you know. So if you can go out there and get a damn grip on them and bring some of that all to you. For sure. I'm all about responsibility. I think it's important to have someone with a little personal responsibility in my life. I can get a little wild. Well, hell, all right. Thank you, ma'am. It was a good meeting you. Of course, Mr. Cornelette. Looking forward to meeting Mario. Maybe you can show me what you do on the farm. Uh-huh. All right. All right, I'll get the next contestant. You think she was coming on to me? Yeah, I have a feeling that she might have been. Well, howdy. Oh, shit. Got a damn astronaut here. Well, thank you, ma'am. Thank you for your service. Absolutely, you know, that's what we need. We need people going out there for our damn country. On the front lines of space, I appreciate that. Uh-huh. Oh, what the hell? They can't actually talk with the helmet on. OK. I'm sure you're familiar with this, the damn Russians, the damn Soviets. You know the history of what you all did. Those goddamn Russians, man. I'm beating the Soviets to space. That's what they did, you know that, right? That Cold War, right? Uh-huh. I think she likes you, Cornelette. You think she likes me? Who the shit? OK. No, I agree. I mean, that sounds fantastic, ma'am. Thank you. All right, thank you. All right, I'll get the next contestant. Very good. Thank you, ma'am. What a surprise, huh? Yeah, hell, I didn't expect that one. That's kind of what I didn't know what else to expect, to be honest. Thank you, ma'am. I appreciate that, you know. You're in for a lot of surprises, Cornelette. I think your next date's here, though. Howdy, ma'am. Hi. What's up? Why are you laughing? How are you? Because I'm nervous. Question me like you just arrested me, and then I'll answer. OK, we can do that. Hold on. That's the call. Cornelette, you're in the damn seat. OK. OK. OK. Ma'am. OK. Turn off the damn vehicle, ma'am. I honk the horn. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why the hell are you honking your damn horn? Because you were so slow to come over here. I'm going to take my damn time. Do you know who the hell I am? Captain Cleetus Cornwood, senior captain. Cleetus Cornwood, BCSO. You know why I pulled you over, ma'am? No. Ma'am, you seem to be fitting the profile of some way of a warrant out for their arrest. What did I do? Suspect of terrorism. There was two buildings blown up. 17 children were killed. 14 adults. And there are currently 84 people wounded. And you do fit the profile, ma'am. And you're going to have to come with me for questioning. Go ahead and turn around. I'm going to have to cuff you for your safety in mind. Ma'am, you're going to have to put them behind your back. Not behind your head, ma'am. Ma'am, I do not want to have to forcibly put your hands behind your back. Ma'am, I'm going to count to three. OK, come with me, ma'am, putting you in my damn car. I'm going to the bathroom. No. Please come to the bathroom. No. You need a shit. You can shit in your damn pants, damn criminal. Well, come with me. We're going to have to take it downstairs for questioning. Follow me. Have a seat right here. Tell me, ma'am, have you ever killed any children before? No. OK, now why not? It just doesn't seem like a good thing to do. OK, doesn't seem like a good thing to do. Hey, I'm asking you a damn question. OK? You haven't read me my, my, my rights. I haven't read your rights. Listen, when I'm dealing with a dadgum terrorist, you don't got no damn rights. You don't got no damn rights. OK? I'm a very good. I'm not a terrorist. OK, you're free to go, ma'am. I don't think you did it. OK, well, just usually. Yeah, you're free to go. What we're doing again? Hell, I'm, to be honest, I don't remember what we're doing. We were supposed to be on a date. You have to go back to the booth. You do have some question. You can just ask one dating question. Oh, yeah. OK. You got a question for me? How many times do you come in a week? In a week? Hell, I don't keep count. Yeah. All right, thank you. OK. It was nice meeting you. All right, thank you, ma'am. Yeah, please, go ahead and have a seat, ma'am. Oh, my name is Sarah. What about, what, what's your, sorry. I'm a little nervous. Senior captain, Clayton's Cornwood. Captain, senior captain, I thought. Oh, oh, please. No, listen, you don't got to, you can call me sir. Sure, like a sheriff is like a captain, is like a full-time job. Do you think, like, a hobby is outside of that? Yeah, hunting, shooting, fishing. But to be honest, I do most that stuff on duty anyway. I like that. I really like that, I don't know about that. What about yourself? I really like to dance, actually. A little embarrassing to say, I'm a pole dancer. You're a pole dancer? Yes, sir. Do you intend to have children? I currently have eight children. I want at least two more with my next wife. Yeah, it's the up and to it. Yeah, I'm looking for at least two more kids. I feel like I could go either way depending on who I want. Uh-huh. But that's my question. Can you handle two back-to-back pregnancies? Possibly three. That's a big question, but I guess if it's for someone that's amazing, it's huge, of course. OK, that's good to know. She got to go. She says she's a pole dancer. Did she want to show off any of her skills? Take her on as a talent show. Oh, talent show as a talent show? OK, well, excuse me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know. OK, I'll see you up. Absolutely, ma'am. Oh, howdy. Thank you, ma'am. Bring us you to this bar. Well, hell, you know, I just needed some time off of work. You know, I've been stressed out a lot lately. I've had a lot going on. Damn ex-wife, you know, she's trying to take the whole damn thing away from me, you know, my whole damn life. So I moved out to Los Santos. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, tell me about it. Uh-huh. Yeah, I mean, it's just it's been one of them things that, you know, there's just a lot going on and laughing. You know, things have been better. They've been getting better. Tell me, what else do you do, ma'am? I like to sing. I like to sing, OK? Ever since I was a little baby, yes. Oh, you could sing from a baby. Mm-hmm. Since I was a baby. Out of the womb. I could not like. How'd you know how to talk to them? Oh, really? Out of the womb, just like that. Yeah. But let me tell you something, OK? Uh-huh. You have lots of kids. I was raised to be a perfect housewife. I know how to cook, to clean, to take care of my man's needs. OK. You know how it is. OK. So I would say I would fit the position very well. You think you'd handle being pregnant for about 27 to 30 months straight? Mm-hmm. I love being impregnated. OK, well, that's good to know. Sounds good. Good to know. I suppose I'll talk to you later. I'll get the next date. Bye-bye. Uh-huh. This is LaCarrie's Mute, also known as Hamlin's Mute. Oh, hello. Howdy, ma'am. How are you doing today? You like Jack Daniels? She's doing good. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you for the milk. OK, very good. Yeah, Jack, you know, I used to use that to brush my teeth. I did. I used to use it to wash down the toothpaste. Oh, oh, OK. I'm talking too much. Yeah, sorry, I keep, I'm cutting you off. You know, you're trying to speak, and you know, I'm just keeping you from saying anything. Oh, yeah, you can dance, OK. Oh, you would like to dance with me, OK. All right, let's do it. Right now, OK. Yo, Rob, you got a good country song? Oh, like a DJ? Thank you. Yeah, I got very fast feet, as you can see. What are you pointing at? Pointing at my pecker? I'm a bail. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I always keep it on me, you know, just in case. You never know when. You know, I open carry. I open carry and I conceal carry. You never know when I got a, you know, duty calls. Yeah, yeah, I'm senior captain of the BCSO. Sheriff's office. Uh-huh. Say that again? Nice. Two. Oh, nice to meet you as well. OK, one, I, what did you say? Something's in your X? My ex-wife? You killed my ex-wife? Laser. Loser? He's a loser? Oh, la. My wife. Later. OK, it was good meeting you. Oh, no. You want a hammer? They want to beat your something. I don't know. You're going to beat up my ex-wife. Oh, hell, well, good, good to hear. I like that. Good shit. You can go and do it now if you want. Yeah, that's good. How many pee pole have you shot this week or all time? Easily in the hundreds. Most of them innocent. Yeah, no, well, hell, I mean, it's their fault they got in the way of the damn bullet. Yeah, it happens. Yeah, exactly. It does. Yeah, it just kind of happens sometimes. Uh-huh. Yeah, it was nice meeting you, ma'am. They said that was your mute. Yeah, why? Have you ever had intercourse with her? I've got a question to that. No, no, you can't fuck your own mute. That's illegal. Hello? Where? Wait, what the hell happened? Ma'am, are you OK? What the hell's wrong with you? OK, so here is what we need to do. We're going to grab both your legs. I'm going to pull. Back off, back off, back off, back off. Who are you? Captain Cleetus Cornwood. Cornwood. Are you my date? I'm Captain Cleetus Cornwood, senior captain of the BCSO. Are you in my date? Hell, I don't know. Oh, gotcha. Well, you're more tall than I expected. Like, pull there, I can hand some. You're a cop too? Yeah, I'm a sheriff. Oh, oh, you checked this out. I bet you find your chase of your sheriff foot chasers, haven't you? But do you think you'd be able to catch this? You got wheels on your damn shoes? I'm a living hot wheel. I need to introduce myself. I dance in important formality. I'm kind of a bad mother truck, you know what I'm saying? A bit of a wild child. Like, I'm not too good with authority, but like, I'm down to work with you if you're a cop, you know? Uh-huh, uh, like I said, Captain Cleetus Cornwood. Nice to meet you. Fillian, nice to meet you. Uh-huh. Listen up, listen up. I want to test you out, you know? A date goes two ways. I've already introduced myself. I'll show you a little bit about God and my personality. I want to know a little bit more about you, you know? Uh-huh. How are your physical talents, you know? Like, how fast are your reaction times? For example, you do a couple in college. Can you show me? Can you show me? No, my knees don't work like they used to. You know, I still got some quick feet, as you can see. Oh, frick! My knees don't quite work like they used to. We're going to do a partner exercise next to see, you know, in the core, in the cops. It's important to be able to, like, communicate with your partner, work well, be in touch together. Yeah, exactly. I can get those best skills, you know? Yeah, but just like me and Andrews do. Uh-huh. Exactly. So we're going to put our hands up. I'm going to kill you over to you. We're going to high-five. You ready for this? Ready? All right, here we go. Yeah, one, two, three. What the hell did you do that for? Do what? You dodged my hand. I can also do this, too. Watch this, watch this. All right, so not only am I really having fast, but I can also move faster than your eyes can process. Are you ready for this? Yeah, I'm ready. Watch this, watch this. I'm going to go around your 360. Do it faster than you can process this way. Man, are you OK? We have time for one more question. Ma'am, are you OK? I'm good, I'm good. It's fine, it's fine. I need to show you my ultimate form. OK. Behold the T. You can bear witness to this. How spectacular is it? Can you even process your witnessing right now? Yeah, I'll see it. There's more. Watch this. Wait, now you're flying. I'm like, I've been super Mario. Well, how are you flying? You're supposed to air? Just like this. How can you fly? Why the hell are you flying? It's a damn witch. You are an evil demon bitch. I know what you're up to. OK. You're a monster. And I don't trust you in one damn bit. I did that to impress you. Why are you like that? How the hell did you do that? That's damn Satan magic that you're doing. No, it's not, it's not. OK, well, it looks like it's time to go, so I'll see you later. All right, it was nice meeting you, ma'am. See you later, Phillip. Hi, ma'am. How's it going? Hi, there, sir. Hi, how's it going? Going good. What's your name? My name's Senior Captain Cleetus Cornwood of the BCSO, Los Santos. Cleetus. Yeah, nice to meet you, ma'am. Oh, big man. I'm Aaron. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, as well. Would you like to have a seat? Yeah. Oh, thank you. Man of manners. I like that. So you have a big job. Oh, yeah, a little bit. So you're kind of a hero. Yeah, exactly. I would say so. That's really attractive. I like that. Yeah, well, thank you. So you're saying that you're welcome. So you're saying that, let's say it's Black Friday. Everyone is pushing the doors, and I'm about to get smushed. I can have you, my Superman, and pick me up and take me to the discounts. I love the movie Friday. The Friday's a good movie. That's not Freaky Friday, is it? No, Friday. Friday after next. Are we talking about the same thing? Are we? Oh, that's not the movie where they switch bodies, is it? No. I thought they just call it Friday for short. Oh, what's Friday? Just without the freakiness in it? I mean, it's just Friday. What happens on a Friday? Well, I get drunk with the girls. I smoke tons of weed. That's what I do on Fridays. Well, yeah, that's pretty much what that movie's about. That's just what we do. Oh, it's a movie about me. Yeah. So I would love to watch that, then. Well, ma'am, I'm sure you would. You can watch that in jail, because marijuana is legal where I'm from. It's legal here. It's legal here, sir. Well, no, I'm sorry. Under my jurisdiction, it ain't. So I'm going to have to arrest you. Isn't that illegal, dude? Isn't that illegal? I'm going to have to arrest you, ma'am. I'm doing it. No? Oh, my gosh. I'm not. Oh, god. OK. Oh, no. What am I going to tell my parents? OK. Come with me. All right. OK. Come with me. All right. We're going to have somebody take her out of here. She's going to jail. She was smoking marijuana. You can wait in the bathroom for now. Yeah. Come with me. Who said that? Bathrooms to your right. I knew that. Who the hell said that? Can you? I know where the damn bathroom is. Listen to me, sir. Please. No. I'm really tired. No. Here. Get in here. Wait. Are you going to do some BDSM stuff? No. Here. Thank you. No. What? What? Sit here and think about what you've done. What? You have the right to remain silent and anything to say. Can and will be used against you in the court of law and some other shit. I don't care about. Here. We can get you an attorney if you want. Last contestant. Okay. Absolutely. And then we go to the talent show. How you doing today, ma'am? Oh, you can't. Oh, okay. You're one of them. All right. Yeah. I have a seat. You have a seat as well. Yeah. Oh, howdy. Okay. Very friendly. I can see that. So what, uh, are you? Oh, hello. Oh, okay. Well, that tickles. What do you do? Yeah, you. You. Right. Well, you draw sexy photos. Okay. Somehow I'm not surprised. How long have you been doing that? Five years. Well, I, I shoot, I shoot criminals. That's what I do. I shoot criminals. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. I also, I'm also protecting serve, but mostly shoot criminals. That's, that's what I do. Would I shoot you? You're a criminal. Well, what are you doing? Oh, oh, you want me to search you? Do you have a weapon on you? Hold on, ma'am. This is serious. Please step down off the damn chair. Hands against the wall. Hands against the wall. Okay, ma'am. Okay. There seems to be nothing here. Okay. We're going to have to check you. Make sure that everything's okay. There's a, you seem to be clear. Okay. I don't know what that is, but you can't, you can't be making jokes about carrying weapons. Okay. You know, we don't want nothing bad to happen. You know, that's why I always carry my stuff with me. So it's always very important. But yeah. So you like to draw. You want to draw me? You want to draw me like one of your friends girls? Oh, well, that would be awfully impressive if you could. Okay. Oh, what are you looking at? I mean, it's cold in here, you know, it's a little bit. I got jeans on. Oh, you're warming me up. Okay. Yeah. Well, I appreciate that. Oh, thank you for the hug. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm much warmer now. Thank you. Okay. All right. Oh, you're dancing. All right. Well, thank you, ma'am. Yeah, it was great meeting you. It's been, it's been, it's been a pleasure. Okay. That's everyone. Yeah. We're ready for the talent show. All right. Okay. Well, that's talent right there. Oh, okay. All right. Thank you, ma'am. It's been great meeting you. Thank you, ma'am. I appreciate it. Oh, now she's just scurrying away. How'd she do that? Okay. Uh, that was something.