 Chapter 5 of Paul Clifford by Edward Bulwer-Litton. Chapter 5. E realms yet unrevealed to human sight. E canes outthwart the hapless hands that write. E critic chiefs permit me to relate the mystic wonders of your silent state. Virgil Aeneid Book 6. Fortune had smiled upon Mr. McGrawler since he first undertook the tuition of Mrs. Lopkins's protégé. He now inhabited a second floor and defied the sheriff and his evil spirits. It was at the dusk of evening that Paul found him at home and alone. Before the mighty man stood a pot of London porter, a candle with an unregarded wick shed its solitary light upon his labors, and an infant cat played sportively at his learned feet, beguiling the weary moments with the remnants of the spiral cat wherewith, instead of laurel, the critic had hitherto nightly adorned his brows. So soon as McGrawler, piercing through the gloomy mist which hung about the chamber, perceived the person of the intruder, a frown settled upon his brow. Have I not told you, youngster? He growled never to enter a gentleman's room without knocking. I tell you, sir, that manners are no less essential to human happiness than virtue. Therefore never disturb a gentleman in his avocations and sit yourself down without molesting the cat. Paul, who knew that his respected tutor disliked anyone to trace the source of the wonderful spirit which he infused into his critical compositions, affected not to perceive the pewter hypocrine and, with many apologies for his want of preparatory politeness, seated himself as directed. It was then that the following edifying conversation ensued. The ancients, quote Paul, were very great men, Mr. McGrawler. They were, so, sir, return to critic. We make it a rule in our profession to assert that fact. But, sir, said Paul, they were wrong now and then. Never ignoramus, never. They praised poverty, Mr. McGrawler, said Paul, with a sigh. Hum, quote the critic, a little staggered, but presently recovering his characteristic acumen, he observed, it is true, Paul, but that was the poverty of other people. There was a slight pause. Criticism, renewed Paul, must be a most difficult art. Ahum, and what art is there, sir, that is not difficult, at least to become master of. True, sighed Paul, or else, or else what, boy, repeated Mr. McGrawler, seeing that Paul hesitated, either from fear of his superior knowledge, as the critic's vanity suggested, or from what was equally likely, want of a word to express his meaning. What I was thinking, sir, said Paul, with that desperate courage, which gives a distinctive, loud intonation to the voice of all who set, or think they set, their fate upon a cast, I was thinking that I should like to become a critic myself. Phew, whistle, McGrawler, elevating his eyebrows. Phew, great ends have come of less beginnings. Encouraging as this assertion was, coming as it did from the lips of so great a man, so great a critic, at the very moment, too, when nothing short of an anathema against arrogance and presumption was expected to issue from those portals of wisdom, yet such is the fallacy of all human hopes, that Paul's of usurity would have been a little less elated had he at the same time his ears drank in the balm of these gracious words had been able to have dived into the source whence they emanated. Know thyself was a precept that sage McGrawler had endeavored to obey. Consequently, the result of his obedience was that even by himself he was better known than trusted. Whatever he might appear to others he had in reality, no vain faith in the enthalability of his own talents and resources. As well might a butcher deem himself a perfect anatomist from the frequent amputation of legs of mutton as the critic of the Asoleum have laid that flattering unction to his soul that he was really skilled in the art of criticism or even acquainted with one of its commonest rules because he could with all speed cut up and disjoint any work from the smallest to the greatest, from the most superficial to the most superior. And thus it was that he never had the want of candor to deceive himself as to his own talents. Paul's wish, therefore, was no sooner expressed than a vague but golden scheme of future prophet illumined the brain of McGrawler in a word he resolved that Paul should henceforth share the labor of his critiques and that he, McGrawler, should receive the whole prophets in return for the honor thereby conferred on his co-agitor. Looking, therefore, at our hero with a benignest air, Mr. McGrawler thus continued, Yes, I repeat, great ends have come from lusts beginnings. Rome was not built in a day, and I, Paul, I myself was not always the editor of the Asoleum. You say wisely criticism is a great science, a very great science, and it may be divided into three branches, namely to tickle, to slash, and to plaster. In each of these three I believe without vanity I am a profound adept. I will initiate you into all. Your labor shall begin this very evening. I have three works on my table. They must be dispatched by tomorrow night. I will take the most arduous. I abandon to you the others. The three consist of a romance, an epic in twelve books, and an inquiry into the human mind in three volumes. I, Paul, will tickle the romance. You this very evening shall plaster the epic and slash the inquiry. Heavens, Mr. McGrawler, cried Paul in consternation. What do you mean? I should never be able to read an epic in twelve books, and I should fall asleep in the first page of the inquiry. No, no, leave me the romance and take the other two under your own protection. Although great genius is always benevolent, Mr. McGrawler could not restrain a smile of ineffable contempt at the simplicity of his pupil. No young gentleman said he solemnly that the romance in question must be tickled. It is not given to raw beginners to conquer that great mystery of our science. Before we proceed further, explain the words of the art, said Paul, impatiently. Listen then, rejoin McGrawler, and as he spoke, the candle cast an awful glimmering on his countenance To slash is, speaking grammatically, to employ the accusative or accusing case. You must cut up your book right and left top and bottom, root and branch. To plaster a book is to employ the dated or giving case. And you must bestow on the work all the superlatives in the language. You must lay on your praise thick and thin and not leave a crevice untroud. But to tickle, sir, is a comprehensive word, and it comprises all the infinite varieties that fill the interval between slashing and plastering. This is the nicety of the art and you can only acquire it by practice. A few examples will suffice to give you an idea of its delicacy. We will begin with the encouraging tickle. Although this work is full of faults, though the characters are unnatural, the plot utterly improbable, the thoughts hackneyed, and the style ungrammatical, yet we would by no means discourage the author from proceeding. And in the meanwhile, we confidently recommend his work to the attention of the reading public. Take now the advising tickle. There is a good deal of merit in these little volumes, although we must regret the evident haste in which they were written. The author might do better. We recommend him a study of the best writers. Then conclude by a Latin quotation, which you may take from one of the matos in the spectator. Now, young gentleman, for a specimen of the metaphorical tickle, we beg this poetical aspirant to remember the fate of Pyrenees, who attempting to pursue the muses forgot that he had not the wings of the goddesses, flung himself from the loftiest ascent he could reach and perished. This, you see, Paul is a loftier and more erudite sort of tickle and may be reserved for one of the quarterly reviews. Never throw away a simile unnecessarily. Now, for a sample of the facetious tickle, Mr. Blank has obtained a considerable reputation. Some fine ladies think him a great philosopher, and he has been praised in our hearing by some Cambridge fellows for his knowledge of fashionable society. For this sort of tickle, we generally use the dullest of our tribe. And I have selected the foregoing example from the criticisms of a distinguished writer in the asinium whom we call par excellence, the ass. There is a variety of other tickles, the familiar, the vulgar, the polite, the good nature, the bitter. But in general, all tickles may be supposed to signify however disguised one or other of these meanings. This book would be exceedingly good if it were not exceedingly bad, or this book would be exceedingly bad if it were not exceedingly good. You have now Paul, a general idea of the superior art required by the tickle. Our hero signified his ascent by a sort of hysterical sound between a laugh and a groan. McGrawler continued, there is another grand difficulty attendant on this class of criticism. It is generally requisite to read a few pages of the work, because we seldom tickle without extracting. And it requires some judgment to make the context agree with the extract. But it is not often necessary to extract when you slash or when you plaster. When you slash it is better in general to conclude with. After what we have said it is unnecessary to add that we cannot offend the taste of our readers by any quotation from this executable trash. If new plaster you may wind up with, we regret that our limits will not allow us to give any extracts from this wonderful and unrivaled work. We must refer our readers to the book itself. And now sir, I think I've given you a sufficient outline of the Noble Signs of Scallager and McGrawler. Doubtless you are reconciled to the task, I have a lot to do and while I tickle the romance you will slash the inquiry and plaster the epic. I will do my best sir, said Paul, with that modest yet noble simplicity, which becomes the virtuously ambitious. And McGrawler will forthwith gave him pen and paper and set him down to his undertaking. He had the good fortune to please McGrawler, who after having made a few corrections in style, declared he events to procure your genius in that branch of composition. And it was that Paul may concede it by praise, said, looking contemptuously in the face of his preceptor and swinging his legs to and fro, and what, sir, shall I receive for the plastered epic and the slashed inquiry. As the face of the schoolboy who, when guessing, as he thinks rightly at the meaning of some mysterious word in Cornelius Nepos, receiveth not the sugared epithet of praise, but a sudden stroke across the ass, humor, ros, the face or shoulders. Even so, blank, puzzled in thunders, drunken, racks the face of Mr. McGrawler at the abrupt and astounding audacity of Paul. Receive, be repeated, receive, while you impute it, ungrateful puppy, would you steal the bread from your own master if I can obtain for your accrued articles and admission into the illustrious pages of the Asinian. Will you not be sufficiently paid, sir, by the honor? Answer me that. Another man, young gentleman, would have charged you a premium for his instructions, and here have I in one lesson imparted to you all the mysteries of the science and for nothing. And you talk to me of receive, receive, young gentleman, in the words of the immortal Bart, I would asleaf you had talked to me of rat's bane. In fine, then, Mr. McGrawler, I shall get nothing from my troubles, said Paul. To be sure not, sir, the very best writer in the Asinian only gets three shillings and article, almost more than he deserves, the critic might have added, for he who writes for it nobody should receive nothing. Then, sir, quote the mercenary Paul profanely in rising, he kicked with one kick the cat, the epic and the inquiry to the other end of the room, then, sir, you may all go to the devil. We do not, O gentle reader, seek to excuse this hasty anathema. The habits of childhood will sometimes break forth despite of the after-blessings of education, and we set not up Paul for that imitation as that model of virtue and of wisdom which we designed to discover in McGrawler. When that great critic perceived Paul had risen and was retreating in high dudgeon towards the door, he rose also and, repeating Paul's last words, said, go to the devil. Not so quick, young gentleman. That's dinka, laute. All in good time. What though I did, astonished if your premature requests say that you should receive nothing, yet my great luck for you may induce me to bestow myself on your behalf. The Asinian, it is true, only gives three shillings and article in general. But I am its editor and will intercede with the proprietors on your behalf. Yes, yes. I will see what is to be done. Stop a bit, my boy. Paul, though very irascible, was easily pacified. He receded to himself and, taking McGrawler's hand, said, forgive me for my petulance, my dear sir. But to tell you the honest truth, I am very low in the world, just at present, and must get money in some way or another. In short, I must either pick pockets or write, not gratuitously, for the Asinian. And without further preliminary, Paul related his present circumstances to the critic, declared his determination not to return to the mug, and requested at least, from the friendship of his old preceptor, the accommodation of shelter for that night. McGrawler was exceedingly disconcerted at hearing so bad an account of his pupil's finances as well as prospects, for he had secretly intended to regale himself that evening with a bowl of punch, for which he proposed that Paul should pay. But as he knew the quickness of parts possessed by the young gentleman, there's also the great affection entertained for him by Mrs. Lopkins, who in all probability would solicit his return the next day. He thought it not unlikely that Paul would enjoy the same good fortune as that presiding over his feline companion, which, though it had just been kicked to the other end of the apartment, was now resuming its former occupation unheard, and no less merely than before. He therefore thought it would be imprudent to discard his quantum pupil despite of his present poverty, and moreover, although the first happy project of pocketing all the profits derivable from Paul's industry was now abandoned, he still perceived great facility in pocketing a part of the same receipts. He therefore answered Paul very warmly that he fully sympathized with him. In his present Malanchale situation, that so far as he was concerned, he would share his last sharing with his beloved pupil, but that he regretted at that moment he had only 11 pence half penny in his pocket that he would, however, exert himself to the utmost in procuring and opening for Paul's literary genius, and that if Paul liked to take the slashing and plastering part of the business on himself, he would willingly surrender it to him and give him all the profits, whatever they might be. On Tom Dong, he regretted that a violent rheumatism prevented his giving up his own bed to his pupil, but that he might with all the pleasure imaginable sleep upon the rug before the fire. Paul was so affected by this kindness in the worthy man that, though not much addicted to the melting mood, he shed tears of gratitude. He insisted, however, on not receiving the whole reward of his labors, and at length it was settled, though with a noble reluctance on the part of Magralla, that it should be equally shared between the critic and the critiques protégé, the half-profits being reasonably awarded to Magralla for his instructions and his recommendation. End of Chapter 5. Chapter 6 of Paul Clifford by Edward Bower-Litton. This liver box recording is in the public domain. Chapter 6. Bad Events Peep Out of the Tale of Good Purposes. Bartholomew Fair. It was not long before there was a visible improvement in the pages of the Asinium. The slashing part of that incomparable journal was suddenly conceived and carried on with a vigor and spirit which astonished the hallowed few who contributed to its circulation. It was not difficult to see that a new soldier had been enlisted in the service. There was something so fresh and hearty about the abuse that it could never have proceeded from the worn-out acerbity of an old slasher to be sure a little ignorance of ordinary facts and an innovating method of applying words to meanings which they never were meant to denote where it now and then distinguishable in the criticisms of the new Achilles. Nevertheless, it was easy to attribute these peculiarities to an original turn of thinking. And the rise of the paper on the appearance of a series of articles upon contemporary authors written by this eminent hand was so remarkable that fifty copies and number perfectly unprecedented in the annals of the Asinium were absolutely sold in one week. Indeed, remembering the principle on which it was founded, one sturdy old writer declared that the journal would soon do for itself and become popular. There was a remarkable peculiarity about the literary debutante who signed himself nobilitas. He not only put old words to a new sense, but he used words which had never, among the general run of writers, been used before. This was especially remarkable in the application of hard names to authors. Once in censuring a popular writer for pleasing the public and thereby growing rich, the eminent hand ended with he who surreptitiously accumulates bustle money is in fact nothing better than a buzz-gloak pickpocket. These enigmatic words and recondite phrases imparted a great air of learning to the style of the new critic and from the unintelligible sublimity of his diction it seemed doubtful whether he was a poet from Highgate or a philosopher from Konigsburg. At all events the reviewer preserved his incognito and while his praises were wrong at no less than three tea tables even glory appeared to him less delicious than disguise. In this incognito reader thou hast already discovered Paul and now we have to delight thee with a piece of unexampled morality in the excellent McGrawler. That worthy mentor perceiving that there was an inherent term for dissipation and extravagance in our hero resolved magnanimously rather to bring upon himself the sins of treachery and malappropriation than suffer his friend and former pupil to incur those of wastefulness and profusion. Contrary therefore to the agreement made with Paul instead of giving that youth the half of those prophets consequent on his brilliant lucubrations he imparted to him only one fourth and with the utmost tenderness for Paul's salvation applied the other three portions of the same to his own necessities. The best actions are alas off the misconstrued in this world and we are now about to record a remarkable instance of that melancholy truth. One evening McGrawler having moistened his virtue in the same manner that the great data is said to have done in the confusion which such a process sometimes occasions in the best regulated heads gave Paul what appeared to him the outline of a certain article which he wished to be slashingly filled up but what in reality was the following note from the editor of a monthly periodical. Sir understanding that my friend Mr. Blank proprietor of the Asinium allows the very distinguished writer whom you have introduced to the literary world and who signs himself no Billy Toss only five shillings an article I beg through you to tender him double that sum the article required will be of an ordinary length I am sir etc. Now that very morning McGrawler had informed Paul of this offer altering only from the amiable motives we have already explained the sum of ten shillings to that of four and no sooner did Paul read the communication we have placed before the reader that instead of gratitude to McGrawler for his consideration of Paul's moral infirmities he conceived against that gentleman the most bitter resentment. He did not however vent his feelings at once upon the Scotsman indeed at that moment as the sage was in a deep sleep under the table it would have been to no purpose had he unbridled his indignation but he resolved without loss of time to quit the abode of the critic and indeed said he soliloquizing I am heartily tired of this life and shall be very glad to seek some other employment fortunately I have hoarded up five guineas and four shillings and with that independence in my possession since I have foresworn gambling I cannot easily starve. To this soliloquy succeeded a misanthropical reverie upon the faithlessness of friends and the meditation ended in Paul's making up a little bundle of such clothes as set up as Dummy had succeeded in removing from the mug in which Paul had taken from the rag merchants abode one morning when Dummy was abroad. When this easy task was concluded Paul wrote a short and upgrading note to his illustrious preceptor and left it unsealed on the table he then upsetting the ink bottle on McGrawler's sleeping countenance departed from the house and strolled away he cared not wither the evening was gradually closing as Paul chewing the cud of his bitter fancies found himself on London Bridge he paused there and leaning over the bridge gazed questfully on the gloomy waters that rolled onward caring not a minute for the numerous charming young ladies who had thought proper to drown themselves in those merciless waves thereby depriving many a good mistress of an excellent housemaid or an invaluable cook and many a treacherous rayon of letters beginning with parjured villain and ending with your affectionate but melancholy molly. While thus musing he was suddenly accosted by a gentleman in boots and spurs having a writing whip in one hand and the other hand stuck in the pocket of his inexpressibles the hat of the gallant was gracefully and carefully put on so as to derange as little as possible a profusion of dark curls which streaming with unguents fell low not only on either side of the face but on the neck and even the shoulders of the owner. The face was satinine and strongly marked but handsome and striking there was a mixture of frippery and sternness in its expression something between Madame Bestres and T.P. Cook or between lovely Sally and a Captain Bold of Halifax. The stature of this personage was remarkably tall and his figure was stout muscular and well knit. In fine to complete his portrait and give our readers of the present day an exact idea of this hero of the past we shall add that he was altogether that sort of gentleman one sees swaggering in the Burlington arcade with his hair and hat on one side and a military cloak thrown over his shoulders or prowling in Regent Street towards the evening whiskered and cigarred. Laying his hand on the shoulder of our hero this gentleman said with an affected intonation of voice, How dost my fine fellow, long since I saw you, Dam, but you look the worst for where, What hast thou been doing with thyself? Ha! cried our hero returning the salutation of the stranger, And is it long Ned whom I behold? I am indeed glad to meet you and I say, My friend, I hope what I heard of you is not true. Hissed, said long Ned, looking round fearfully and syncing his voice, Never talk of what you hear of gentlemen, Except you wish to bring them to their last dying speech and confession. But come with me, my lad, there is a tavern hard by and we may as well discuss matters over a pint of wine. You looked cursed, seedy, to be sure, but I can tell Bill, the waiter, famous fellow, that Bill, that you are one of my tenants, come to complain of my steward, who has just distrained you for rent, you dog. No wonder you look so worn in the rigging. Come, follow me, I can't walk with thee. It would look too like Northumberland House and the butchers of Ode Next Door taking out stroll together. Really, Mr. Pepper said our hero coloring and by no means pleased with the ingenious comparison of his friend. If you are ashamed of my clothes, which I own, might be newer, I will not wound you with my poo, my lad poo, cried long Ned, interrupting him. Never take offense, I never do, I never take anything but money except indeed watches. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, all of us have been poor once, yet I remember when I had not a dud to my back, and now you see me, you see me, Paul, but come, tis only through the streets you need separate from me, keep a little behind, very little, that will do, I, that will do, repeated long Ned mutteringly, to himself they'll take him for a bailiff. It looks handsome nowadays to be so attended, it shows one had credit once. Meanwhile, Paul, though by no means pleased with the contempt expressed for his personal appearance by his lengthy associate and impressed with that keener sense than ever of the crimes of his coat and the vices of his other garment, oh, breathe not its name, followed doggedly and sullenly the strutting steps of the cox comical Mr. Pepper. That personage arrived at last at a small tavern and arresting a waiter who was running across the passage into the coffee room with a dish of hung beef demanded, no doubt from a pleasing anticipation of a similar pendulous catastrophe, a plate of the same excellent cheer to be carried in company with a bottle of port into a private apartment. No sooner did he find himself along with Paul then, bursting into a loud laugh, Mr. Ned surveyed his comrade from head to foot through an eyeglass which he wore fastened to his buttonhole by a piece of blue ribbon. Well, Gad now said he, stopping ever and anon as if to laugh and more heartily stab my vitals, but you are a comical quiz. I wonder what the women would say if they saw the dashing Edward Pepper Esquire walking arm in arm with thee at Randall Oth or Vox Hall. Nay, man, never be downcast. If I laugh at thee, it is only to make thee look a little merrier thyself. Why thou lookest like a book of my grandfather's called Burton's Anatomy of Melancholy and faithless shabbier bound copy of it I never saw. These jests are a little hard, said Paul, struggling between anger and an attempt to smile and then recollecting his late literary occupations and the many extracts he had taken from gleaning of the bailetra in order to impart elegance to his criticisms he threw out his hand theatrically and spouted with a solemn face of all the griefs that harassed the distressed. Sure the most bitter is a scornful jest. Well, now, privy, forgive me, said Long Ned composing his features and just tell me what you have been doing the last two months. Slashing in plastering, said Paul, with conscious pride. Slashing in what? The boy's mad. What do you mean, Paul? In other words, said our hero, speaking very slowly. No, O very Long Ned, that I have been critic to the asinium. If Paul's comrade laughed at first he now laughed ten times more merrily than ever he threw his full length of limb upon a neighboring sofa and literally rolled with cackinatory convulsions. Nor did his visible emotion subside until the entrance of the hung-beef restored him to recollection, seeing then that a cloud lowered over at Paul's countenance he went up to him with something like gravity, begged his pardon for his want of politeness and desired him to wash away all unkindness in a bumper of port. Paul, whose excellent dispositions we have before had occasion to remark was not impervious to his friend's apologies, he assured Long Ned that he quite forgave him for his ridicule of the high situation he, Paul, had enjoyed in the literary world that it was the duty of a public censor to bear no malice and that he should be very glad to take his share in the interment of the hung-beef. The pair now sat down to their repast and Paul who had fared but meagrely in that temple of Athena over which McGrawler presided did amput justice to the violins before him by degrees as he ate and drank his heart open to his companion and laying aside that asinium dignity which he had at first thought incumbent on him to assume he entertained Pepper with all the particulars of the life he had lately passed. He narrated to him his breach with Dame Lothkins his agreement with McGrawler the glory he had acquired sustained and he concluded as now the second bottle made its appearance by stating his desire for exchanging for some more active profession that sedentary career which he had so promiseingly begun. This last part of Paul's confession secretly delighted the soul of Long Ned for that experienced collector of the highways, Ned was indeed of no less noble a profession had long fixed an eye upon our hero as one whom he thought likely to be an honor to that enterprising calling which he espoused and an useful assistant to himself. He had not in his earlier acquaintance with Paul when the youth was under the roof and the surveillance of the practice and where a Mrs. Lothkins deemed it prudent to expose the exact nature of his own pursuits and had contented himself by gradually ripening the mind and the finances of Paul into that state when the proposition of a leap from a hedge would not be greatly greatly to revolt the person to whom it was made. He now thought that time near at hand and filling our hero's glass up to the brim thus artfully addressed him Courage my friend your narration has given me a sensible pleasure. For it curse me if it has not strengthened my favorite opinion that everything is for the best. If it had not been for the meanness of that pitiful fellow McGrawler you might still be inspired with the paltry of ambition of earning a few shillings a week and vilifying a parcel of poor devils in the what do you call it with a hard name. Whereas now my good Paul I trust I shall be able to open to your genius a new career in which guineas are head for the asting in which you may wear fine clothes and ogle the ladies that ran along and when you are tired of glory and liberty Paul why you have only to make your bow to an heiress or a widow with a spanking jointure and a hum of men like a Cincinnati's. Though Paul's perception into the obstrucer branches of morals was not very acute and at that time the port wine had considerably confused the few notions he possessed upon the beauty of virtue yet he could not but perceive that Mr. Pepper's insinuated proposition was far from being one which the bench of bishops or a senator of moralists would conscientiously have approved he consequently remained silent and long net after a pause continued you know my genealogy my good fellow I was the son of lawyer Pepper a shrewd old dog but as hot as Calcutta and the grandson of Sexton Pepper a great author who wrote verses on toon stones and kept a stall of religious tracks in Carlisle my grandfather the Sexton was the best temper of the family for all of us are a little inclined to be hot in the mouth well my fine fellow my father gave me his blessing and this devilish good head of hair I lived for some years on my own resources I found it a particularly inconvenient mode of life and of late I've taken to live on the public my father and grandfather did it before me though in a different line it is the pleasantest plan in the world follow my example and your coach I'll be as spruce as my own master Paul your health but oh longest of mortals be filling his glass though the public may allow you to eat your mutton off their backs for a short time they will kick up at last and upset you and your banquet in other words pardon my metaphor dear Ned in remembrance of the part I've lately maintained in the asinium that most magnificent and metaphorical of journals in other words the police will nab the at last and that will have the distinguished fate is that already has the distinguishing characteristic of Absalom you mean that I should be hanged said long Ned that may or may not be but he who fears death never enjoys life consider Paul that though hanging is a bad fate starving is a worse where for fill your glass and let us drink to the health of that great donkey the people and may we never want saddles to ride it to the great donkey cried Paul tossing off his bumper may your years be as long but I own to you my friend that I cannot enter into your plans and as a token of my resolution I shall drink no more my eyes already begin to dance in the air and if I listen longer to your resistless eloquence my feet may share the same fate so saying Paul rose nor could any entreaty on the part of his entertainer persuade him to resume his seat may as you will said pepper affecting a nonchalant tone and arranging his cravat before the glass may as you will Ned pepper requires no man's companionship against disliking and if the noble spark of ambition be not in your bosom there's no use spending my breath and blowing at what only existed in my two flattering opinion of your qualities so then you propose to return to McGrawler the scurvy old cheat and past the inglorious remainder of your life in the mangling of authors and the murder of grammar go my good fellow goes gribble again and forever for McGrawler and let him live upon instead of suffering that brains to hold cried Paul although I may have some scruples which prevent my adoption of that rising line of life you have proposed to me yet you are very much mistaken if you imagine me so spiritless as any longer to subject myself to the frauds of that rascal McGrawler no my present intention is to pay my old nurse a visit it appears to me passing strange that though I have left her so many weeks he has never relented to track me out which one would think would have been no difficult matter and now you see that I am pretty well off having five guineas and four shillings all my own and she can scarcely think I want her money my heart melts to her and I shall go and ask pardon for my haste Pasha sentimental cried long net a little alarmed at the thought of Paul's gliding from those clutches which he thought has now so firmly closed upon him why you surely don't mean after having once tasted the joys of independence to go back to the boozing can and bear all mother love can says drunken tantrums better have stayed with McGrawler of the two you mistake me answer Paul I mean solely to make it up with her and get her permission to see the world my ultimate intention is to travel right cried net on the high road and on horseback I hope no my colossus of roads no I am in doubt whether or not I shall enlist an up marching regiment or give me your advice on it I fancy I have a great term for the stage ever since I saw Garrick and Richard shall I term stroller it must be a merry life oh the devil cried net I myself once did Casio in a barn and everyone swore I enacted the drunken scene to perfection but you have no notion what a lamentable life it is to a man of any susceptibility no my friend know there's only one line in all the old plays worthy thy attention Toby the highway or not Toby that is the question I forget the rest well said our hero answering in the same Jocular vein I confess I have the actor's high ambition it is astonishing how my heart beat when Richard cried out come bustle bustle bustle yes pepper of aunts a thousand hearts are great within my bosom well well said long net stretching himself since you are so fond of the play what say you to an excursion dither tonight Garrick acts done cried Paul done echoed lazily long net rising with that blasé air which distinguishes the matured man of the world from the enthusiastic Tyrone done and we will adjourn afterwards to the white horse but stay a moment said Paul if you remember I owed you a guinea when I last saw you here it is nonsense exclaimed long net refusing the money nonsense you want the money at present pay me when you are richer nay never be quarry about it debts of honor are not paid now as they used to be we lads of the fish lane club have changed all that well well if I must and long net sing that Paul insisted pocketed the guinea when this delicate matter have been arranged comes the pepper come get your hat but bless me I've forgotten one thing what why my fine Paul consider the play is a bang up sort of a place look at your coat in your waist coat that's all our hero was struck dumb with this argument and odd hominin but long net after enjoying his perplexity relieved him of it by telling him that he knew of an honest tradesman who kept a ready-made shop just by the theater and could fit him out in a moment in fact long net was as good as his word he carried Paul to a tailor who gave him for the sum of 30 shillings half ready money half on credit a green coat with a tarnished gold lace a pair of red inexpressible and a pepper and salt waist coat it is true they were somewhat of the largest where they had once belonged to no less a person than long net himself but Paul did not then regard those niceties of apparel as he was subsequently taught to do by gentlemen George a personage hereafter to be introduced to our reader and he went to the theater as well satisfied with himself as if he had been Mr. T. blank of a count de blanc our adventures are now quietly seated in the theater and we shall not think it necessary to detail the performances they saw or the observations they made long net was one of those superior beings of the road who would not for the world have condescended to appear anywhere but in the boxes and accordingly the friends procured a couple of places in the dress tier in the next box to the one our adventurers adorned they remarked more especially than the rest of the audience of gentlemen and the young lady seated next to each other the latter who was about 13 years old was so uncommonly beautiful that Paul despite his dramatic enthusiasm could scarcely divert his eyes from her countenance to the stage her hair of a bright and fair Auburn hung in profuse ringlets about her neck shedding a softer shade upon a complexion in which the roses seemed just budding as it were into blush her eyes large blue and rather languishing than brilliant were curtained by the darkest lashes her mouth seemed literally girt with smile so numberless were the dimples that every time the full ripe dewy lips were a part of rose into sight and the enchantment of the dimples was aided by two rows of teeth more dazzling than the richest pearls that ever glided on a bride but the chief charm of the face was it succeeding and touching air of innocence and girlish softness you might have gazed forever upon that first unspeakable bloom that all untouched and stainless down which seemed as if a very breath could mar it perhaps the face might have wanted animation but perhaps also it barred from that want and attraction the repose of the features was so soft and gentle that the eye wandered there with the same delight and left it with the same reluctance which it experiences in dwelling on or in quitting those hues which are found to harmonize the most with its vision but while paul was feeding his gaze on this young beauty the keen glances of long net had found an object no less fascinating in a large gold watch which the gentlemen who accompanied the damsel ever and a non brought to his eye as if he were waxing a little weary of the length of the pieces or the lingering progression of time what a beautiful face whispered paul is the face gold then as well as the back whispered long net in return our hero started frowned and despite the gigantic stature of his comrade told him very angrily to find some other subject for jesting net in his turn stared but made no reply meanwhile paul though the lady was rather too young to fall in love with began wondering what relationship her companion bore to her though the gentlemen altogether was handsome yet his features and the whole character of his face were widely different from those on which paul gazed with such delight he was not seemingly above five and forty but his forehead was knit into many a line and furrow and in his eyes the light though searching was more sober and stayed then became his years a disagreeable expression played about the mouth and the shape of the face which was long and thin considerably detracted from the prepossessing effect of a handsome aquiline nose fine teeth and a dark manly though sallow complexion there was a mingled air of shrewdness and distraction in the expression of his face he seemed to pay very little attention to the play or to anything about him but he testified very considerable alacrity when the play was over in putting her cloak around his young companion and then threading their way through the thick crowd that the boxes were now pouring forth paul and his companion silently and each very different motives from the other followed them they were now at the door of the theater a servant stepped forward and informed the gentleman that his carriage was a few paces distant but that it might be some time before it could drive up to the theater can you walk to the carriage my dear said the gentleman to his young charge and she answering in the infirmity if they both left the house pre-seeded by the servant come on said long net hastily and walking in the same direction paul readily agreed they soon overtook the strangers long net walked the nearest to the gentleman and brushed by him in passing presently a voice cried stop the and long net saying to paul shift for yourself run darted from our hero's sight into the crowd and vanished in a twinkling before paul could recover his amaze he found himself suddenly seized by the collar he turned abruptly and saw the dark face of the young lady's companion rascal cried the gentleman my watch watch repeated paul bewildered and only for the sake of the young lady refraining from knocking down his arrester watch our young man cried a fellow in a great coat who now suddenly appeared on the other side of paul this gentleman's watch please your honor addressing the complainant I be a watch too shall I take up this chap by all means cried the gentleman I would not have lost my watch for twice its value I can swear I saw this fellow's companion from my father the thief's gone but we have at least the accomplice I give him in strict charge to you watchman take the consequences if you let him escape the watchman answered suddenly that he did not want to be threatened and he knew how to discharge his duty don't answer me fellow said the gentleman hardly do as I tell you and after a little colloquy paul found himself suddenly marched off between two tall fellows who looked prodigiously inclined to eat him by this time he had recovered his surprise and dismay he did not want the penetration to see that his companion had really committed the offense for which he was charged and he also foresaw that the circumstance might be attended with disagreeable consequences to himself under all the features of the case he thought that an attempt to escape would not be an imprudent proceeding on his part accordingly after moving a few paces very quietly and very passively he watched his opportunity wrenched himself from the grip of the gentleman on his left and brought the hand less released against the cheek of the gentleman on his right with so hardy a good will as to cause him to relinquish his hold and retreat several paces towards the areas in a slanting position but that roundabout sort of blow with the left fist is very unfavorable towards the preservation of a firm balance and before paul had recovered sufficiently to make an effectual bolt he was prostrated to the earth by a blow from the other and on damaged watchman he depraved him of his senses and when he recovered those useful possessions which a man may reasonably boast of losing since it is only the minority who have them to lose he found himself stretched on a bench in the watch house end of chapter 6 chapter 7 of paul clifford by edward bulwer litten this liver rock recording is in the public domain chapter 7 begirt with many a gallant slave appareled as becomes the brave oh geoffer said in his divan much I missed out this wayward boy will one day work me more annoyed bride of apodos the learned and ingenious john schweig hauser a name facile to spell a malefluous to pronounce have been pleased in that appendix continence part teculum doctrine I did mente humana which close at the volume of his up the school to observe we translate from memory that in the infinite variety of things which in the theater of the world occur to a man's survey or in some manner or another affect his body or his mind by far the greater part are so contrived as to bring to him rather some sense of pleasure than of pain or discomfort assuming that this holds generally good in well constituted frames we point out a notable example in the case of the incarcerated Paul although that youth was in no agreeable situation at the time present and although nothing very encouraging smiled upon him from the prospects of the future yet as soon as he had recovered his consciousness and given himself a rousing shake he found an immediate source of pleasure in discovering first that several ladies and gentlemen bore him company in his imprisonment and secondly in perceiving a huge jug of water within his reach which as his awakening sensation was that of burning thirst he delightedly emptied out of draft he then stretching himself looked around with a wistful earnestness and discovered a back turned towards him and recumbent on the floor which at the very first glance appeared to him familiar surely thought he I know that freeze coat and the peculiar turn of those narrow shoulders thus soliloquizing he raised himself and putting out his leg he gently kicked the reclining form muttering strange oaths the form turned round and raising itself upon that inhospitable part of the body in which the introduction of the horn feet is considered anything but an honor it fixed its dull blue eyes upon the face of the visturber of its slumbers gradually opening them wider and wider until they seem to have enlarged themselves into proportions fit for the swallowing of the important truth that burst upon them and then from the mouth of the creature issued queer my glimpse if that being little long I dummy here I am not been long without being laid by the heels you see life is short we must make the best use of our time upon this mister dunnaker it was no less respectable a person scrambled up from the floor and seating himself on the bench beside Paul said in a pitying tone by Lausamie if you being the head your poles and buddy as Murphy's face then his throats cut Murphy's face unlearned reader appear then Irish phrase to mean pig's head is only the fortune of war dummy and a mere trifle the heads manufactured at Tim's court are not easily put out of order but tell me how come you here by I have been lushing heavy bet till you grew light in the head and fell into the kennel yes mine is a worse business than that I fear and there with Paul in a lower voice related to the trusty dummy the train of accidents which had conducted him to his present asylum dummies face elongated as he listened however the narrative was over he endeavored such consolatory palliatives as occurred to him he represented first the possibility that the gentleman might not take the trouble to appear secondly the certainty that no watch was found about Paul's person thirdly the fact that even by the gentleman's confession Paul had not been the actual offender fourthly if the worst to the worst what were a few weeks or even months imprisonment blow me tight said dummy if it being as good a bay of passing the time as a cove as is fond of snugly need desire this observation had no comfort for Paul who record with all the maiden coyness of one to whom such unions are unfamiliar from a matrimonial alliance with the snugory of the house of correction he rather trusted to another source for consolation in a word he encouraged the flattering belief that long Ned finding that Paul had been caught instead of himself would have the generosity to come forward and exculpate him from the charge on hinting this idea to dummy that accomplished man about town could not for some time believe that any simpleton could be so thoroughly unacquainted with the world as seriously to entertain so ridiculous emotion and indeed it is somewhat remarkable that such a hope should ever have told its flattering tale to one brought up in the house of Mrs. Margaret Lopkins but Paul we have seen have formed many of his notions from books and he had the same fine theories of your moral rogue possess the minds of young patriots when they first leave college for the house of commons and think integrity a prettier thing than office Mr. Deniker erred Paul seriously to dismiss so big and childish of fancy from his breast and rather to think of what line of defense it would be best for him to pursue this subject being at length exhausted Paul recurred to Mrs. Lopkins and inquired whether dummy had lately honored that lady with a visit Mr. Deniker replied that he had though with much difficulty appeased her anger against him for his supposed debatement of Paul's excesses and that of late she had held sundry conversations with dummy respecting our hero himself upon questioning dummy further Paul learned the good matron's reasons for not even seeing that solicitude for his return which our hero had reasonably anticipated the fact was that she having no confidence whatsoever in his own resources independent of her had not been sorry of an opportunity effectually as she hoped to humble that pride which had so revolted her and she pleased her vanity by anticipating the time when Paul starved into submission would gladly and penitently reseek the shelter of her roof and tamed as it were by experience would never again kick against the yoke which her matronly prudence thought it fitting to impose upon him. She contented herself then with obtaining from dummy the intelligence that our hero was under MacRawler's root and therefore out of all positive danger to life and limb and as she could not foresee the ingenious exertions of intellect by which Paul had converted himself into the nobilitas of the asinium and thereby saved himself from utter penury she was perfectly convinced from her knowledge of character that the illustrious MacRawler would not long continue that protection to the rebellious protégé which in her opinion was his only preservative from picking pockets or famishing to the former decent alternative she knew Paul's great and jujune aversion and she consequently had little fear for his morals or his safety and thus abandoning him for a while to chance. Any anxiety to that she might otherwise have keenly experience was deadened by the habitual intoxication now increasing upon the good lady with age in which though at times she could be excited to all her characteristic vehemence kept her senses for the most part plunged into a lethian stupor or to speak more courteously into a poetical abstraction from the things of the external world but said dummy as by degrees he imparted the solution of the dame's conduct to the listening ear of his companion but I hope says how then you be out of this air scraped little Paul you will take varning and drop meester pepper's acquaintance which I must say I was always sorry to see you encouraged and go home to the mug and fam grasp the old mort for she has not been like the same creature ever since you vent. She's a delicate arted woman that biggie lob so appropriate a panagyric on Mrs. Margaret Lopkins might at another time have excited Paul's risible muscles but at that moment he really felt compunction for the unceremonious manner in which he had left her and the softness of regretful affection imbued in its hallowing colors even the image of biggie lob in conversation of this intellectual and domestic description the night and ensuing morning passed away till Paul found himself in the awful presence of justice burn flat several cases were disposed of before his own and among others Mr. Dominique Damaker obtained his release though not without a severe reprimand for his sin of it in the breity which no doubt sensibly affected the ingenuous spirit of that noble character at length Paul's turn came he heard as he took his station a general buzz at first he imagined it was at his own interesting appearance but raising his eyes he perceived that it was at the entrance of the gentleman who was to become his accuser Hodge said someone near him to his lawyer Brandon ah he's a cute fellow it will go hard with the person he complains of there was a happy fun of elasticity of spirit about our hero and though he had not the good fortune to have a blighted heart a circumstance which by the poets and philosophers of the present day is supposed to inspire man with wonderful courage and make him impervious to all misfortunes yet he bore himself up with wonderful courage under his present trying situation and was far from overwhelmed though he was certainly a little damped by the observation he had just heard Mr. Brandon was indeed a barrister of considerable reputation and in high esteem in the world not only for talent but also for a great austerity of manners which though a little mingled with sternness and acerbity for the errors of other men was naturally thought the more praiseworthy they are being as persons of experience are doubtless aware two divisions in the first class of morality impremise a great hatred for the vices of one's neighbor secondly the possession of virtues in one's self Mr. Brandon was recieved with great courtesy by Justice Bern Flat and as he came watch in hand a borrowed watch saying that his time was worth five guineas a moment the justice proceeded immediately to business nothing could be clearer shorter or more satisfactory than the evidence of Mr. Brandon the corroborative testimony of the watchman followed and then Paul was called upon for his defense this was equally brief with the charge but alas it was not equally satisfactory it consisted in a firm declaration of his innocence his comrade he confessed might have stolen the watch but he humbly suggested that that was exactly the very reason why he had not stolen it how long fellow asked Justice Bern Flat have you known your companion about half a year and what is his name and calling Paul hesitated and declined to answer a sad piece of business said the justice in a melancholy tone and shaking his head portentously the lawyer acquiesced in the aphorism but with great magnanimity observed that he did not wish to be hard on the young man his youth was in his favor and his offense was probably the consequence of evil company he suggested therefore that as he must be perfectly aware of the address of his friend he should receive a full pardon if he would immediately favor the magistrate with that information he concluded by remarking with singular philanthropy that it was not the punishment of the youth but the recovery of his watch that he desired not having duly impressed upon our hero's mind the disinterested and Christian mercy of the complainant and the everlasting obligation Paul was under to him for its display now repeated with double solemnity those queries respecting the habitation and name of Long Nid which our hero had before declined to answer grieved a wee to confess that Paul ungrateful for and wholly untouched by the beautiful clarity of lawyer Brandon continued firm in his stubborn denial to betray his comrade and with equal obtrice he continued to insist upon his own innocence and unblemished respectability of character your name young man quote the justice your name you say is Paul Paul what you have many an alias I'll be bound here the young gentleman again hesitated at length he replied Paul Lopkins your worship Lopkins repeated the judge Lopkins come hither Saunders have not we that name down in our black books so please your worship quote the little stout man very useful in many respects to the festivities of the police there is one Peggy Lopkins who keeps a public house a sort of flash can call the mug in Tim's court not exactly in our beat your worship Ho Ho said justice burn flat winking at Mr. Brandon we must sift this a little pray Mr. Paul Lopkins what relation is the good landlady of the mug in Tim's court to yourself none at all sir said Paul hastily she's only a friend upon this there was a laugh in the court silence cried the justice and I dare say Mr. Paul Lopkins that this friend of yours will vouch for the respectability of your character upon which you are pleased to value yourself I have not a doubt of it sir answered Paul and there was another laugh and is there any other equally weighty and praiseworthy friend of yours who will do you the like kindness Paul hesitated and at that moment to the surprise of the court but above all to the other and astounding surprise of himself two gentlemen dressed in the height of the fashion pushed forward and bowing to the justice to declare themselves ready to vouch for the thorough respectability and unimpeachable character Mr. Paul Lopkins whom they had known they said for many years and for whom they had the greatest respect while Paul was surveying the persons of these kind friends whom he never remembered to have seen before in the course of his life the lawyer who was a very sharp fellow whispered to the magistrate and that dignitary nodding as in ascent denying the newcomers inquired the names of Mr. Lopkins's witnesses Mr. Eustace Fitzherbert and Mr. William Howard Russell were the several replies names so aristocratic produced the general sensation but the impenetrable justice calling the same Mr. Saunders he had addressed before asked him to examine well the countenances of Mr. Lopkins's friends as the Al Guazil eyed the features of the memorable Don Rafael and the illustrious Manuel Morales when the former of those accomplished persons just thought it convenient to assume the traveling dignity of an Italian prince son of the sovereign of the valleys which lie between Switzerland the Milanese and Savoy while the latter was contented with being servant to Monsignor Lopkins even so with far more earnestness than respect to Mr. Saunders eye the features of those high born gentlemen Mr. Eustace Fitzherbert but after a long survey he with through his eyes made an unsatisfactory and unrecognizing gesture to the magistrate and said please your worship they are none of my flock but Bill Troutling knows more of this sort of genteel chaps than I does bid Bill Troutling appear was the laconic order at that name a certain modest confusion might have been visible in the faces of Mr. Eustace Fitzherbert and Mr. William Howard Russell immediately directed to another case a poor woman had been committed for seven days to the house of correction on a charge of disrespectability for husband the person most interested in the matter now came forward to disprove the charge by help of his neighbors he succeeded it is all very true said Justice Bernflatt but as your wife my good fellow will be out in five days it would be scarcely worthwhile to release her now a fact occurring in the month of January V-day the morning herald so judicious a decision could not fail of satisfying the husband and the audience became from that moment enlightened as to a very remarkable truth namely that five days out of seven bear a peculiarly small proportion to the remaining two and that people in England have so prodigious a love for punishment though it is not worthwhile to release an innocent woman from prison five days sooner than one would otherwise it is exceedingly well worthwhile to commit her to prison for seven when the husband passing his rough hand across his eyes and muttering some vulgar impertiments for another have withdrawn Mr. Saunders said hereby build traveling your worship oh well quote the justice and now Mr. Eustace fits hello how's this where are Mr. William Howard Russell and his friend Mr. Eustace Fitzherber echo answered where those noble gentlemen having a natural dislike to be confronted with so low a person as Mr. Bill Troutling had the instant public interest was directed from them silently disappeared from a scene where their rank in life seemed so little regarded if reader you should be anxious to learn from what part of the world the transitory visitants appeared know that they were spirits sent by that inimitable magician long then partly to report how matters feared in the court for Mr. Pepper in pursuance of that old policy which teaches that the nearer the fox is to the hunters the more chance he has of being overlooked had immediately on his abrupt departure from Paul, dived into a house in the very street where his ingenuity had displayed itself and in which oysters and ale nightly allured and regaled in assembly that to speak impartially was more numerous than select there had he learned how a pickpocket had been seized for unlawful affection to another man's watch and there while he quietly seized his oysters had he with his characteristic acuteness satisfied his mind by the conviction that that arrested unfortunate was no other than Paul partly therefore as a precaution for his own safety that he might receive early intelligence should Paul's defense make a change of residence expedient and partly out of friendliness the fellowship to back his companion with such aid as the favorable testimony of two well-dressed persons little known about town might confer he had dispatched those celestial beings who had appeared under the mortal names of Eustace Fitzherbert and William Howard Russell to the Imperial Court of Justice Bernflatt having this accounted for the apparition the dis apparition requires no commentary of Paul's friends we return to Paul himself despite the perils with which he was our young hero fought out to the last but the justice was not by any means willing to displease Mr. Brandon and observing that an incredulous and biting sneer remained stationary on that gentleman's lip during the whole of Paul's defense he could not but shape his decision according to the well-known acuteness of the celebrated lawyer Paul was sentenced to retire for three months to that country house situated at Bridewell to which the ungrateful functionaries of justice often banished their most active citizens as soon as the sentence was passed Brandon, whose keen eyes sought no hope of recovering his lost treasure declared that the rascal had perfectly the old Bailey cut of countenance and that he did not doubt but if ever he lived to be a judge he should also live to pass a very different description of sentence on the offender so saying he resolved to lose no more time and very abruptly left the office without any other comfort than the remembrance that at all events he had sent the boy to a place where let him be ever so innocent at present he was certain to come out as much inclined to be guilty as his friends could desire joined to such moral reflection as the tragedy of Ambassador Furiosa might have afforded to himself in that sententious and terse line, thy watch is gone watches are made to go meanwhile Paul was conducted in state to his retreat in company with two other offenders one a middle-aged man though a very old file who was sentenced for getting money under false pretenses and the other a little boy who had been found guilty of sleeping under a colonnade it being the special beauty of the English law to make no fine drawn and nonsensical shades of difference between vice and misfortune in its peculiar method of protecting the honest being to make as many robes as possible in as short a space of time end of chapter 7 chapter 8 of Paul Clifford by Edward Bower Lytton this LibriVox recording is in the public domain chapter 8 common sense what is the end of punishment as regards the individual punished custom to make him better common sense how do you punish young offenders who are from their youth peculiarly alive to example and whom it is therefore more easy either to ruin or reform than the matured custom we send them to the house of correction to associate with the darndest rascals in the country dialogue between common sense and custom very scarce as it was rather late in the day when Paul made his first entree at Bridewell he passed that night in the receiving room the next morning as soon as he had been examined by the surgeon and clothed in the customary uniform he was ushered according to his classification among the good company who had been considered guilty of that compendious offense a misdemeanor here a tall gentleman marched up to him and addressed him in a certain language which might be called the free masonry of flash in which Paul though he did not comprehend verbatim rightly understood to be an inquiry whether he was a thorough rogue and an entire rascal he answered half in confusion half in anger and his reply was so detrimental to any favorable influence he might otherwise have exercised over the interrogator the latter personage giving him a pinch in the ear shouted out ramp ramp and at that significant and awful word Paul found himself surrounded in a trice by a whole host of ingenious tormentors one pulled this member another pinched that one cuffed him before and another thrashed him behind by way of interlude to this pleasing occupation they stripped him of the very few things that in his change of dress he remained one carried off his handkerchief a second his neck cloth and a third lekkier then either possessed himself of a pair of cartonelian shirt buttons given to Paul as a gauge damour by a young lady who sold oranges near the tower happily before this initiatory process technically termed ramping and exercised upon all newcomers who seemed to have a spark of decency in them had reduced the bones of Paul who fought tooth and nail in his defense to the state of Magnesia, a man of grave aspect who had hitherto plucked his oakum in quiet suddenly Rose thrust himself between the victim and the assailants and desired the latter like one having authority to leave the latter alone and go and be barred this proposal to resort to another place for amusement though uttered in a very grave and tranquil manner produced that instantaneous effect which admonitions from great rogues generally work upon little Monsieur the romper ceased from their amusements and the ringleader of the gang thumping Paul heartily on the back declared he was a capital fellow and it was only a bit of a spree like which he hoped had not given any offense Paul still clenching his fist was about to answer in no pacific mood when a turned key who did not care in the least how many men he locked up for an offense but who did not at all like the trouble of looking after any one of his flock to see that the offense was not committed now suddenly appeared among the set and after scolding them for the excess of plague they were to him carried off two of the poorest of the mob to solitary confinement it happened of course that these two had not taken the smallest share in the disturbance this scene over the company returned to picking oakum the treadmill that admirably just invention by which a strong man suffers no fatigue and a weak one loses his health or life not having been then introduced into our excellent establishments for correcting crime bitterly and with many dark and wrathful feelings in which the sense of injustice that punishment alone bore him up against the humiliations to which he was subjected bitterly and with a swelling heart in which the thoughts that lead to crime were already forcing their way through soil suddenly warmed for their growth did Paul bend over his employment he felt himself touched on the arm he turned and saw that the gentleman who had so kindly delivered him from his tormentors was now sitting next to him Paul gazed long and earnestly upon his neighbor struggling with the thought that he had beheld that sagacious countenance in happier times although now alas it was altered not only by time and vicissitudes but by that air of gravity which the cares of manhood spread gradually over the face of the most thoughtless until all doubt melted away and he exclaimed is that you Mr. Tomlinson how glad I am to see you here and I returned the quantum murderer for the newspapers with a nasal twang should be very glad to see myself anywhere else Paul made no answer and Augustus continued to a wise man all places are the same so it has been said I don't believe it Paul I don't believe it but a truce to reflection I remembered you the moment I saw you though you are surprisingly grown how is my friend McGrawler still hard at work for the Asoleum I believe so said Paul selenly and hastening to change the conversation but tell me Mr. Tomlinson how came you hither I heard you had gone down to the north of England to fulfill a lucrative employment possibly the world always misrepresents the actions of those who are constantly before it it is very true said Paul and I have said the same thing myself a hundred times in the Asoleum for we were never too lavish of our truths in that magnificent journal tis astonishing what a way we made three ideas go you remind me of myself and my newspaper labors rejoined Augustus Tomlinson I'm not quite sure that I had so many as three ideas to spare for as you say it is astonishing how far that number may go properly managed it is with writers as with strolling players the same three ideas that did for Turks in one scene do for highlanders in the next but you must tell me your history one of these days and you shall hear mine I should be excessively obliged to you for your confidence said Paul and I doubt not but your life must be excessively entertaining mine as yet has been but insipid the lives of literary men are not fought with adventure and I question whether every writer and personium has not led pretty nearly the same existence as that which I have sustained myself in conversation of this sort our newly restored friends passed the remainder of the day until the hour of half past four when the prisoners are suppose night has begun and be locked up in their bedrooms Tomlinson then who was glad to refine the person who had known him in his bourgeois spoke privately to the turnkey and the result of the conversation was the coupling Paul and Augustus in the same chamber which was a sort of stone box that generally accommodated three and was what we have measured it as we would have measured the cell of the prisoner of Cheyenne just eight feet by six we do not intend reader to indicate by broad colors and in long detail the moral deterioration of our hero because we have found by experience such pains on our part do little more than make thee blame our stupidity instead of lauding our intention we shall therefore only work out our moral by subtle hints and brief comments and we shall now content ourselves with reminding thee that hitherto thou has seen Paul honest in the teeth of circumstances despite the contagion of the mug despite his associates in fish lane despite his intimacy with long dead thou has seen him brave temptation and look forward to some other career than that of robbery or fraud they even in his destitution when driven from the abode of his childhood thou has observed how instead of resorting to some more pleasurable or liberating road of life he but took himself at once to the dull roof and insipid employment of McGrawler and preferred honestly earning his subsistence by the sweat of his brain occurring to any of the numerous ways of living on others with which his experience among the worst part of society must have teamed and which to say the least of them are more alluring to the young and the adventures than the barren paths of literary labor indeed to let thee into a secret it had been Paul's daring ambition to race himself into a worthy member of the community his present circumstances it may hereafter be seen made the cause of a great change in his desires and the conversation he held that night with the ingenious and skillful Augustus went more towards fitting him for the hero of this work than all the habits of his childhood or the scenes of his earlier youth young people are apt erroneously to believe that it is a bad thing to be exceedingly wicked the house of correction is so called because it is a place where so ridiculous a notion is invariably corrected the next day Paul was surprised by a visit from Mrs. Lopkins who had heard of his situation and its causes from the friendly dummy and he would manage to obtain from Justice Bernflatt an order of admission they met Pyramus and Thisby like with a wall or rather an iron gate between them and Mrs. Lopkins after an ejaculation of despair at the obstacle burst weepingly into the pathetic reproach oh Paul thou hast brought thy pigs to a fine market does a market proper for pigs dear dame said Paul who though with a tear in his eye did not refuse a joke as bitter as it was in elegant for of all others it is the spot where a man learns to take care of his bacon hold your tongue cried the dame angrily what business has you to gabble on so while you are in limbo ah dear dame said Paul we can't help these rubs and stumbles on our road to fulfillment road to this cragging post cried the dame I tell you child you live to be hanged in spite of all my care and tension to you though I dedicated you as a scholar and always hoped as how you would grow up to be an honor to your king and country interrupted Paul we always say honor to king and country which means getting rich and paying taxes the more taxes a man pays the greater honor he is to both as Augustus says well dear dame all in good time what you is Mary is you why does not you weep your heart is as hard as a brick bat it looks quite unnatural and hyena like to be so devil me carriage so saying the good dame's tears gush forth with the bitterness of a despairing parasina nay nay said Paul who though he suffered far more intensely bore the suffering far more easily than his patroness we cannot mend the matter by crying suppose you see what can be done for me I dare say you may manage to soften the justice of sentence by a little oil of palms and if you can get me out before I am quite corrupted a day or two longer in this infernal place will do the business I promise you that I will not only live honestly myself but with people who live in the same manner bus me paul said the tender mrs. Lopkins bus me oh but I forgets the gate I'll see what can be done and hear my lad hears summit for you in the meanwhile a drop of a creature to preach comfort to your poor stomach hush smuggle it through or they'll see you hear the dame endeavor to push a stone bottle through the bars of the gate but alas though the neck pass through the body refused and the dame was forced to retract the creature upon this the kind-hearted woman renewed her sobbing and so absorbed was she in her grief that seemingly quite forgetting for what purpose she had brought the bottle she applied it to her own mouth and consoled herself without elixir vitae which she had originally designed for paul this somewhat restored her and after a most affecting scene the dame reeled off with the vacillating steps natural to promising as she went that if shortened paul's confinement neither should be wanting we are rather at a loss to conjecture the exact influence which the former of these arguments urged by the lovely margaret might have had upon justice burn flat when the good dame had departed paul hasten to re-pick his oakum and rejoin his friend he found the worthy agastas privately selling little elegant luxuries such as tobacco gin and rations of daintier vines than the prison allowed for agastas having more money than the rest of his companions managed through the friendship of the turnkey to purchase secretly and to resell at about four hundred percent such comforts as the prisoners especially coveted a very common practice at the bridewell the governor at the coal bath feels apparently a very intelligent and active man every way fitted for a most arduous undertaking informed us in the only conversation we have had the honor to hold with him that he thought he had nearly or quite destroyed in his jurisdiction this illegal method of commerce approved said agustas draw to paul that by prudence and exertion even in those places where a man cannot turn himself he may manage to turn a penny end of chapter eight chapter nine part one of paul clifford by edward were litten this the box recording is in the public domain related large my godlike guest she said the gree shun stratagems the town betrayed dryden virginal in need book two descending thence they escaped a great improvement had taken place in the character of agustas tomlinson since paul had last encountered that illustrious man then agustas had affected the man of pleasure that learned lounger about town the all-accomplished pericles of the papers gaily quoting horace gravely flanking a fly from the leader of lord dun shunner now a more serious yet not a less super cilius air had settled upon his features the pretence of fashion had given way to the pretence of wisdom and from the man of pleasure agustas tomlinson had grown to the philosopher with this elevation alone too he was not content he united the philosopher with the politician and the ingenious rascal was pleased especially to peak himself upon being a moderate wig paul he was want to observe believe me moderate wiggism is a most excellent creed it adapts itself to every possible change to every conceivable variety of circumstance it is the only politics for us who are the aristocrats of that free body who rebel against tyrannical laws for hang it I am none of your democrats let there be dungeons and turn keys for the low rascals who whip clothes from the hedge where they hang to dry or steal down an area in quest of a silver spoon but houses of correction are not made for men who have received an enlightened education who abhor your petty thefts as much as a justice of peace can do who ought never to be termed dishonest in their dealings but if they are found out unlucky in their speculations a pretty thing indeed that there should be distinctions of rank among other members of the community and none among us where's your boasted British constitution I should like to know where are your privileges of aristocracy if I who am a gentleman born know Latin and have lived in the best society should be thrust into this humble place with a dirty fellow who was born in a cellar and could never earn more at a time than would purchase a sausage no no none of your leveling principles for me I am liberal Paul and love liberty but thank heaven I despise your democracies thus have an earnest have veiling a natural turn to sarcasm with this moderate wig run on for the hour together during those long nights commencing at half past four in which he and Paul bore each other company one evening when Tomlinson was so bitterly disposed to be prolix that Paul felt himself somewhat worried by his eloquence our hero desirous of a change in the conversation reminded Augustus of his promise to communicate his history and the philosophical wig nothing loath to speak of himself cleared his throat and began never mind who was my father nor what was my native place my first ancestor was Tommy Lynn his heir became Tomlinson you have heard the ballad made in his praise Tommy Lynn is a Scotchman born his head is bald and his beard is shorn he had a cap made of a hair skin an elder man is Tommy Lynn there was a sort of prophecy respecting my ancestors descendants darkly insinuated in the concluding stanza of this ballad Tommy Lynn and his wife and his wife's mother they all fell into the fire together they that lay under most got a hot skin we are not enough said Tommy Lynn you see the prophecy applicable both to gentlemen rogues and to moderate wigs for both are under most in the world and both are perpetually bawling out we are not enough I shall begin my own history by saying I went to a north country school where I was noted for my aptness in learning and my skill at prisoners base upon my word I purposed no pun I was intended for the church wishing to instruct my self in its ceremonies I persuaded my school masters maid servant to assist me towards promoting a christening my father did not like this premature love for the sacred rites he took me home and wishing to give my clerical order a different turn prepared me for writing sermons by reading me a dozen a day I grew tired of this strange as it may seem to you father said I one morning it is no use talking I will not go into the church that's positive give me your blessing and a hundred pounds and I'll go up to London and get a living instead of a curacy my father stormed but I got the better at last I talked of becoming a private tutor swore I had heard nothing was so easy the only things wanted were pupils and the only way to get them was to go to London and let my learning be known my poor father now he's gone and I'm glad of it now the speaker's voice faltered I got the better I say and I came to town where I had a relation a bookseller through his interest I wrote a book of travels in Ethiopia for an oral son who wanted to become a lion and a treatise on the Greek particle dedicated to the prime minister for a dean who wanted to become a bishop Greek being next to interest the best road to the mitre these two achievements were liberally paid so I took out lodging in a first floor and resolved to make a bull stroke for a wife what do you think I did? never guess it would be hopeless first I went to the best tailor and had my clothes sewn on my back secondly I got the period and its genealogies by heart thirdly I marched one night with the coolest deliberation possible into the house of a duchess who was giving an immense route the newspapers had inspired me with this idea I had read of the vast crowds which a lady at home sought to win to her house I had read of staircases impassable and ladies carried out in a fit and common sense told me how impossible it was that the fair receiver should be acquainted with the legality of every importation I therefore resolved to try my chance and entered the body of Augustus Tomlinson as a piece of stolen goods faith the first night I was shy I stuck to the staircase and ogled an old maid of quality whom I had heard announced as Lady Margaret Sinclair doubtless she had never been ogled before and she was evidently enraptured with my glances the next night I read of a ball at the countess of blank blank blanks my heart beat as if I were going to be whipped but I plucked up courage and repaired to her ladies' ships I again beheld the divine Lady Margaret and observing that she turned yellow by way of a blush when she saw me I profited by the port I had drunk as an encouragement to my entree and lounging up in the most modest way possible I reminded her ladies' ship of an introduction with which I said I had once been honoured at the Duke of Dashwells and requested her hand for the next coutillion Oh Paul, fancy my triumph the old damsel said with us sigh she remembered me very well ha ha ha and I carried her off to the coutillion like another thesius bearing away a secondary addony not to be prologues on this part of my life I went night after night to balls and routes for admission to which half the fine gentleman in London would have given their ears and I improved my time so well with Lady Margaret who was her own mistress and had five thousand pounds a devilish bad portion for some but not to be laughed at by me that I began to think when the happy day should be fixed meanwhile as Lady Margaret introduced me to some of her friends and my lodgings were in a good situation I had been honoured with some real invitations the only two questions I ever was asked were carelessly was I the only son and on my veritable answer yes what this was more warmly put what was my county luckily my county was a wide one Yorkshire and any of its inhabitants whom the fair interrogators might have questioned about me could only have answered I was not in there a part of it well Paul I grew so bold by success that the devil one day put it into my head to go to a great dinner party at the Duke of Dashwells I went dined nothing happened I came away and the next morning I read in the papers mysterious affair person lately going about first houses most fashionable parties nobody knows Duke of Dashwells yesterday do not like to make disturbance as royalty present the journal dropped from my hands at that moment the girl of the house gave me a note from Lady Margaret alluded to the paragraph wondered who was the stranger hope to see me that night at Lord a blank blank blanks to whose party I said I had been late speak then more fully on those matters I had touched on in short dear Paul a tender epistle all great men are fatal this I am one now fate made me a mad man in the very face of this ominous paragraph I mustered up courage and went that night to Lord a blank blank blanks the fact is my affairs were in confusion I was greatly in debt I knew it was necessary to finish my conquest over Lady Margaret as soon as possible and Lord a blank blank blank seen the best place for the purpose nay I thought delay so dangerous after the cursed paragraph that a date might unmask me and it would be better therefore not to lose an hour in finishing the play of the stranger with the farce of the honeymoon behold me then at Lord a blank blank blanks leading off Lady Margaret to the dance behold me whispering the sweetest of things in her ear imagine her approving my suit and gently chatting me for talking of Gretna Green conceive all this my dear fellow and just at the height of my triumph dilate the eyes of your imagination and behold the stately form of Lord a blank blank blank my noble host marching up to me while a voice that though low and quiet as an evening breeze made my heart sink into my shoes said I believe sir you have received no invitation from Lady a blank blank blank not a word could I utter upon not a word had it been the high road instead of a ballroom I could have talked loudly enough but I was under a spell a hem I faltered at last a hem some mistake I I there I stopped sir said the Earl regarding me with a grave sternness you had better withdraw bless me what's all this cried Lady Margaret dropping my palsy dawn and gazing on me as if she expected me to talk like a hero oh said I a hem a hem I will explain tomorrow a hem a hem I made to the door all the eyes in the room seem turned into burning glasses and blistered the very skin on my face I heard a gentle shriek as I left the apartment Lady Margaret fainting I suppose there ended my courtship and my adventures in the best society I felt melancholy at the ill success of my scheme you must allow it was a magnificent project what moral courage I admire myself when I think of it without an introduction without knowing a soul to become all by my own resolution three of the finest houses in London dancing with Earl's daughters and all but carrying off an Earl's daughter myself as my wife if I had the friends must have done something for me and Lady Margaret Tomlinson might perhaps have introduced the youthful genius of her Augustus to Parliament or the ministry oh what a fall was there yet faith haha I could not have laughing despite of my chagrin when I remembered that for three months I had imposed these delicate exclusives and had been literally invited by many of them who would not have asked the younger sons of their own cousins merely because I lived in a good streak about myself and only child and talked of my property in Yorkshire haha how bitter the mercenary dupes must have felt when the discovery was made what a pill for the good matrons who had coupled my image with that of some filial Mary or Jane haha the triumph was almost worth the mortification however as I said before I fell melancholy on it especially as my dunes became menacing so I went to consult with my cousin the book seller he recommended me to compose for the journals and obtained me an offer I went to work very patiently for a short time and contracted some agreeable friendships with gentlemen whom I met at an ordinary in st. James's still my dunes though I paid them by driblets were the plague of my life I confessed as much to one of my new friends come to Bath with me quote he for a week and you shall return as rich as a Jew I accepted the offer and went to Bath in my friend's chariot he took the name of Lord Dunn Shunner an Irish peer who had never been out of Tipperary for likely to be known at Bath he took also house for a year filled it with wines books and side board of plate as he talked vaguely of setting up his younger brother to stand for the town at the next parliament he bought these goods of the town's people in order to encourage their trade I managed secretly to transport them to London and sell them and as we disposed of them 50% under cost price customers the pawn brokers were not very inquisitive we lived a jolly life at Bath for a couple of months and departed one night leaving our housekeeper to answer all interrogatories we had taken the precaution to wear disguises stepped ourselves out and changed the hues of our hair my noble friend was an adept in these transformations and though the police did not miss they never stumbled on us I am especially glad we were not discovered for I liked Bath excessively and I intend to return there some of these days and retire from the world on an eras well Paul shortly after this adventure I made your acquaintance I continued ostensibly my literary profession but only as a mask for the labors I did not profess a circumstance obliged me to leave London rather precipitately Lord Dunn-Shunner joined me in Edinburgh darn it instead of doing anything there we were done the various urchin that ever crept through the high street is more than a match for the most scientific of Englishmen with us it is art with the scotch it is nature they pick your pockets without using their fingers for it and they prevent reprisal by having nothing for you to pick we left Edinburgh with very long faces and at Carlyle we found it necessary to separate for my part I went as a valet to a nobleman who had just lost his last servant at Carlyle by a fever my friend gave me the best of characters my new master was a very clever man he astonished people at dinner by the impromptu's he heard at breakfast in a word he was a wit he soon saw he was learned himself that I had received a classical education and he employed me in the confidential capacity of finding quotations for him I class these alphabetically and under three heads parliamentary, literary dining out these were again subdivided into fine, learned and jocular new at once where to refer for genius, wisdom and wit he was delighted with my management of his intellects in compliment to him I paid more attention to politics than I had done before for he was a great wig and uncommonly liberal in everything but money hence Paul the origin of my political principles and I thank heaven there is not now a rogue in England who is a better to say more about moderate wig than your humble servant I continued with him nearly a year he discharged me for a fault worthy of my genius other servants may lose the watch or the coat of their master I went at nobler game and lost him his private character how do you mean why I was enamored of a lady who would not have looked at me as Mr. Tomlinson so I took my masters clothes and occasionally his carriage and made love to my nymph as Lord her vanity made her in discreet the Tory papers got hold of it and my master in a change of ministers was declared by George III to be too gay for a chancellor of the Exchequer and no gentleman who had had 15 children by a wife like a Gorgon was chosen instead of my master and although the new minister was a fool in his public capacity the more public were perfectly content with him because of his private virtues my master was furious made the strictest inquiry found me out and turned me out too a wig not in place has an excuse for disliking the constitution my distressed almost made me a republican but true to my creed I must confess that I would only have leveled upwards I especially disaffected the inequality of riches I looked mootily on every carriage that passed I even frowned like a second cataline at the steam of a gentleman's kitchen my last situation had not been lucrative I had neglected my perquisites in my ardor for politics my master too refused to give me a character who would take me without one I was asking myself this melancholy question one morning when I suddenly encountered one of the fine men I had picked up at my old haunt the ordinary in St. James's his name was Pepper Pepper cried Paul without heeding the exclamation Tomlinson continued we went to a tavern and drank a bottle together wine made me communicative it also opened my comrades heart he asked me to take a ride with him that night towards Houndslow I did so and found a purse how fortunate were in a gentleman's pocket I was pleased with my luck that I went the same road twice a week in order to see if I could pick up any more purses fate favored me and I lived for a long time the life of the blessed oh Paul you know not you know not what a glorious life is that of a highwayman but you shall taste it one of these days you shall all my honor I now live with a club of honest fellas we called ourselves the exclusives for we were mighty reserved in our associates and only those who did business on a grand scale were admitted into our set for my part with all my love for my profession I liked ingenuity still better than force and preferred what the vulgar calls swindling even to the high road on an expedition of this sort I rode once into a country town and saw a crowd assembled in one corner I joined it and my feelings be held by poor friend by count done shunner just about to be hanged I rode off as fast as I could I thought I saw Jack catch at my heels my horse threw me out a hedge and I broke my collar bone in the confinement that ensued gloomy ideas floated before me I did not like to be hanged so I reasoned against my errors and repented I recover slowly returned to town and repaired to my cousin the bookseller to say I had played him a little trick collected some debts of his by a mistake very natural in the confusion incident on my distress is however he was extremely unkind about it and the mistake natural as it was had cost me his acquaintance I went now to him with the penitential aspect of the prodigal son and faith he would have not made a bad representation of the fatty calf about to be killed on my return so dejected graceless reprobate he began your poor father is dead I was exceedingly shocked but never fear Paul I'm not about to be pathetic my father had divided his fortune among all his children my share was 500 pounds the possession of this soon made my penitence seem much more sincere in the eyes of my good cousin and after a very pathetic scene he took me once more into favor I now consulted with him as to the best method of laying out my capital and recovering my character we could not devise any scheme at the first conference but the second time I saw him my cousin said with a cheerful countenance cheer up Augustus I've got the situation Mr. Asgrave the banker will take the as a clerk he is a most worthy man and having a vast deal of learning he will respect the for the acquirements the same day I was introduced to Mr. Asgrave who was a little man with a fine ball benevolent head and after a long conversation which he was pleased to hold with me I became one of his quill drivers I don't know how it was but by little and little I rose in my master's good graces I propitiated him my fancy by disposing of my 500 pounds according to his advice he laid it out for me on what he said was famous security on a landed estate Mr. Asgrave was of social habits he had a capital house and excellent wines as he was not very particular in his company nor ambitious of visiting the great he often suffered me to make one of his table and was pleased to hold long arguments with me about the ancients I soon found out that my master was a great moral philosopher and being myself and weak health sated with the ordinary pursuits of the world in which my experience had forestalled my years naturally of a contemplative temperament I turned my attention to the moral studies which so fascinated my employer I read through nine shelves full of metaphysicians and knew exactly the points in which those illustrious thinkers quarreled with each other to the great advance of the science my master and I used to hold many a long discussion about the nature of good and evil as by help of his benevolent forehead and a clear dogged voice he always seemed to our audience to be the wiser and better man of the two he was very well pleased with our disputes this gentleman had an only daughter and awful shrew without face like a hatchet but philosophers overcome personal defects and thinking only of the good her will might enable me to do to my fellow creatures I secretly made love to her you will say that was playing my master but a scurvy trick for his kindness not at all my master himself had convinced me that there was no such virtue as gratitude it was an error of vulgar moralists I yielded to his arguments and at length privately espoused his daughter the day after this took place he summoned me to his study so Augusta said he very kindly you have married my daughter nay never look confused I saw a long time ago that you were resolved to do so and I was very glad of it I attempted to falter out something like thanks never interrupt me city I have two reasons for being glad first because my daughter was the plague of my life and I wanted someone to take her off my hands secondly because I required your assistance on a particular point and I could not venture to ask it of anyone but my son in law in fine I wish to take you into partnership partnership cried I falling on my knees noble generous man stay a bit continued my father-in-law what funds do you think requisite for carrying on a bank you look puzzled not a shilling you will put in just as much as I do you will put in rather more for you once put in 500 pounds which has been spent long ago I don't put in a shilling of my own I live on my clients I very willingly offer you half of them imagine dear Paul my astonishment my dismay I saw myself married to a hideous shrew son-in-law to a panelist scoundrel and cheated out of my whole fortune compared to a few of the question with that which had blazed on me when I contemplated being son-in-law to the rich Mr. Asgrave I stormed it first Mr. Asgrave took a bacon on the advancement of learning and made no reply till I was cool by explosion you will perceive that when passion subsided I necessarily saw that nothing was left for me but adopting my father-in-law's proposal thus by the fatality which attended me at the very time I meant to reform I was forced into scoundrelism and I was driven into defrauding a vast number of persons by the accident of being son-in-law to a great moralist as Mr. Asgrave was an indolent man who passed his mornings in speculations on virtue I was made the active partner I spent the day at the counting house and when I came home for recreation my wife scrapped my eyes out but were you never recognized as the stranger or the adventure new capacity no for of course I assumed in all my changes both aliases and disguises and to tell you the truth my marriage so altered me that what with a snuff colored coat and a brown scratch wig with a pen in my right ear I looked at the very picture of staid respectability my face grew an inch longer every day nothing is so respectable as a long face and a subdued expression of countenance is the surest sign of commercial charity where we went on splendidly enough for about a year meanwhile I was wonderfully improved in philosophy you have no idea how a scolding wife sublimes and rarefies one's intellect thunder clears the air you know at length unhappily for my fame for I contemplated a magnificent moral history of man which had she lived it your longer I should have completed my wife died in child bed my father-in-law and I were working over the event and finding fault with civilization for the innervating habits by which women die of their children instead of bringing them forth without being even conscious of their circumstance when a bit of paper sealed a rye was given to my partner he looked over finished the discussion and then told me our bank had stopped payment now Augusta said he lotting his pipe with the bit of paper you see the good of having nothing to lose we did not pay quite sixpence down but my partner was thought so unfortunate that the British public raised a subscription for him and he retired on an annuity greatly respected and very much compassionated as I had not been so well known as a moralist and had not the pre-possessing advantage of a bulb in Evelyn head nothing was done for me and I was turned once more on the wide world to moralize on the vicissitudes of fortune my cousin the book seller was no more and his son caught me I took a Garrett and Warwick court a few books my only consolation I endeavored to nerve my mind to the future it was at this time Paul that my studies really availed me I meditated much and I became a true philosopher namely a practical one the actions were henceforth regulated by principle and at some time or other I will convince you that the road of true morals never avoids the pockets of your neighbor so soon as my mind had made the grand discovery which Mr. Asgrave had made before me that one should live according to a system for if you do wrong it is then your system that errs not you I took to the road without any of those stings of conscience which had hitherto annoyed me in such adventures I formed one of our capital not our free agents whom I will introduce to you someday or other and I soon rose to distinction among them but about six weeks ago not less than formerly preferring by ways to highways I attempted to possess myself over and sell it at discount I was acquitted on the felony but sent hither by Justice Bernflatt on the misdemeanor as far my young friend hath as yet proceeded the life of Augustus Tomlinson the history of this gentleman made a deep impression on Paul the impression was strengthened by the conversation subsequently holding with Augustus that worthy was a dangerous and subtle persuader he had really read a good deal of history and something of morals and he had an ingenious way of defending his rascally practices by syllogisms from the latter and examples from the former these theories he clenched as it were a reference to the existing politics of the day cheaters of the public on false pretenses he was pleased to term moderate wigs bullying commanders of your purse were high tories and thieving in gangs was the effect of a spirit of party there was this difference between Augustus Tomlinson and Long Ned, Ned was the acting Augustus the reasoning one and we may see therefore by a little reflection that Tomlinson was a far more perilous companion than Pepper for showy theories are always more seductive to the young and clever than suasive examples and the vanity of the youthful makes them better pleased by being convinced of a thing than by being enticed to it end of chapter 9 part 1