 A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget to change. You'd never guess, but Avalons cost you less. Good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon time. With Kurt Massey, Edna Stillwell, Jeanette, the Avalon chorus, Bob Strong and his orchestra, and radio's red-headed ragamuffin, Richard Redskelton. The orchestra opens the program with Jumpin' Shy. You'd never guess Avalons cost you less. We mean just exactly that. Judging by the quality, you'd never guess they cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. They're 100% union-made from a super fine blend of the world's choices, Turkish and domestic tobaccos. You couldn't get higher quality tobaccos in any other cigarette, regardless of price, regardless of brand. And this unsurpassed Avalon quality is yours, plus the saving of three to five cents on every pack you smoke, a saving that's certainly worthwhile. Ladies and gentlemen, Avalons offer so much, they deserve a try. Get a pack tonight! Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you Redskelton, the streamlined jester in his three-act comedy concoction, number one, headline hokum, number two, a slice of life, and number three, his new public service, Send Out Skelton. First now, headline hokum. We send you that safe but not sane snooping scamp that scoots in on the sanctity of your shelters every Saturday that saint bite a screwball with a sandblast of spicy satire, SRED Skelton! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and now for the news. Springfield, Illinois, the Moody Brothers stay up in their plane 343 hours. Boy, what some people won't do to miss this program. Atlantic City, New Jersey, the annual duty contest held in Atlantic City brings hundreds of glamour girls to the seashore. I was with a glamour girl last night, I go with her every Friday, that's when she gets her allowance. She's a beautiful girl though, she's a debutante. She came out in 1935 on parole. She's lovely, she's a little fat, but she got plenty of umph. Every time she sits down, the sofa goes umph. She's really lovely though, if you'd like to meet her, she's always in the nicest places. If you'd like to meet her next week, she's wrestling at White City. Chicago, Illinois, the American Legion uses Chicago for this year's convention. That's fine, they can use Lake Michigan for a chaser. My uncle was at the last convention they held here in Chicago, you probably read about him. He was the one that got some sleep. Well, we wish the boys a lot of luck and I hope they find Elmer. New York City, New York, there's a rumor that Peggy Joyce's hobby is collecting stamps. That must be a misprint. Washington, DC, Republicans look for 1940 victory. Ripley looks for Republicans. Akron, Ohio, boys from coast to coast compete in soapbox derby at Akron. Oh, soapbox derbies are a lot of fun. When I was a kid, though, they didn't have soapbox derbies. In fact, they didn't have soap. Well, I just about washes up the news for tonight. So at this time, Jeanette will sing, I poured my heart into a song. Sing it pretty, Jeanette, but pretty. The department coming along. Well, you mean our play, let's call it Slice of Life? Yeah. Well, a lot of folks I talk to seem to like the idea of us doing things that happen in everyday life. Things that you're doing that I do. In fact, everybody does. What's the one about tonight? Well, it's about a couple who've been married for almost a year and they're suffering from relative sickness. Relative sickness? Yeah, you know, taxation without representation. You set the scene. Okay, Red. Okay. Time 6.30. The play somewhere in your hometown. As the scene opens, we find Edna Stilwell playing the part of the beautiful wife and Red Skelton steps out of character and plays the part of the handsome husband. The husband is just coming home from work. Listen. Hi, honey. Is that you, dear? Well, yes, dear. What are you crying about? Well, I was going to surprise you and I baked a cake and I put it on the table to cool and then dog ate it. Oh, well, don't feel so bad. I'll buy you another dog tomorrow. Come on, I don't cry. Look, you know what the day is? It's our first wedding anniversary and here, I brought you some flowers. For me? Oh, they're beautiful. Both of them. You like them? For a dime more, I could have got some with petals. See, it doesn't seem like we've been married a year. Does it? No. Remember a couple of years ago, every day I used to ask you to be my wife. And I always said no. Yeah. Those were the happiest days of my life. Say, where's your brother? Don't tell me that he's left. No. He's sleeping in the next room. And don't wake him up. Don't worry. I won't wake him up. Maybe you better take off your shoes and walk around with your bare feet. I don't have to take off my shoes to do that. And by the way, when that guy wakes up, I want to talk to him. He got my watch last night and I want to know what he did with it. Well, from what he told me, it ran in the fifth race today at Washington Park. Did he haunt my watch? No, that's a last straw. When he wakes up, I'm going to tell him to pack his racing form and get out of here. I've been living here six months already. Why do you hate my brother? I don't hate him. Well, he gets on my nerves if I had any left. Wearing my clothes and shaving out on the front porch. I wouldn't mind him shaving out there if he'd wear a shirt. Big show off. He just wants the neighbors to see he's got big muscles. You're just jealous because you don't have big muscles. Who ain't got big muscles? Get a load of that arm. Solid as a bag of potatoes. Yes. Mashed potatoes. That's for me. I'm not full. I'll get it. Hello? Oh, hello, Merle. Merle? Oh, I'd love to go shopping with you tomorrow if it's a nice day. Uh-oh. Wait a minute. Richard, Merle wants me to go shopping with her tomorrow if it's a nice day. Look in the paper and see what the weather report says. Weather report tomorrow. Rain, lightning, thunder, hurricane, tornado, earthquakes, floods, and slightly cloudy, dear. Hey, sir, does that call for me? I'll call you back, dear. Brother just woke up. Hi, sis. Hi, Stooge. Hi. Stooge. Hey, what's the idea of wearing my galoshes? I was taking a shower. I didn't want to get your shoes wet. Well, that was very thoughtful of you, big, lazy galoot. Hey, are you wearing that blue suit tonight? Yes. I'm going to wear my blue suit tonight. Oh, that's swell. And I can wear the gray one. I'll be right back. I'm just going out on the front porch. Call me when dinner's ready. Oh, don't worry. We'll call you. And this time, when you come in, open the door. Hey, where's your razor? I think I'll shave while I'm out on the front porch. Oh, listen, do you have to shave on the outside? Certainly, don't. What do you think I am, furline? Now, now, that settles it. One of us has got to tell that vulture to find a new roost. Now, who's going to tell him to feed it? Now, let's not start that again. Oh, listen. When I married you, I married you, not your whole family. Listen, that guy's got to leave. All right. I'll tell you what we'll do. What? Well, tonight at dinner, we'll get an argument about the lemonade. I'll say it's too sweet, and you say it's too sour. Sure will. And whoever brother sticks up for, well, the other one will tell him to get out. Well, why didn't we think of that six months ago? Hey, is dinner ready? Yes, it's ready. Go calling. OK. Brother. Oh, brother dear. Dinner's ready. I'm coming, dope. Dope. Boy, it sure looks tasty, and I'm hungry as a bear. Hey, that T-bone steak sure looks good. Didn't it? Hey, did you put any sugar in this lemonade? It's awful sour. It can't be sour. I put a whole cup of sugar in the pitcher. Well, taste it. It tastes sour to me. It tastes like pickle juice. Well, it tastes sweet to me. Well, I still say it's sour. It is not. It's sweet. It's sour. Now look, there's no, wait a minute. Look, we'll leave it up to your brother. Hey, you. You taste it and tell us what you think of it. Listen, sweet or sour, I'm staying another six months. Public by Red Skelton and seconded by anybody who wants to take the day off and doesn't care what happens to his job. We now take you to Red Skelton's office where Edna Stillwell is the secretary. Good morning. This is Send Out Skelton's service. If you're feeling null, he'll fill the void. Yes, Mr. Skelton will do anything. Yes, yes. Oh, very well. Mr. Skelton will do it for you. Hot stuff for you. Another job. What does that guy want me to do for him? Ten years at Leavenworth. Hey, I can't do that. Oh, don't get excited. That was Mr. Ketchum from the Ketchum and Matrimonial Bureau. He wants you to take his place. You mean the guy that finds husbands and wives for people? Where's he going today? Out looking for his wife. He wants you to find a husband for that much-married era. You know, Brenda Dazzle. Brenda Dazzle? She used to import all of her husbands from Europe. But it seems she's tired of taking a foreign count. And this time she's going native. My gosh. Think how this news will shock Europe. Now they'll never be able to pay the war debt. Well, it ought to be easy to find a husband for anybody with 100 million bucks. Let's see, who can I get for her? Whoever that is, he's one of them. Hey, are you a bachelor? Well, I ate Papa's dion. Thank you, ladies. Boy, you arrived in the nick of time. I need a husband. Oh, my goodness, Mr. Skelton. Do you feel all right? I mean, an heiress needs a husband. Look, how would you like to be the glamour boy of 1940? Oh, heavens, it'd be wonderful if it's OK with Jim Farley. You can be the one with hair. Well, let's see, who else can we take over then? Hey, you want me to clean up in here? I don't start anything. Oh, it's Andy the janitor. Hey, here's another prospect. Say, Andy, you haven't fallen in love yet, have you? I mean, you're still too love for the love bug, ain't she? Yep. Love still finds Andy hardy. Well, that's well. Come on, fellas. We'll hop in the cabin. We'll go right over there. Say, Edna, what's that address where we can find this Brenda Dazzle? At the corner of Dunn and Bradstreet. Yeah. Well, OK, now, come on, fellas. Just think, we're pioneers in a way. Why, this is a new era. Prosperity's here. Our heiresses are starting to buy Americans. Hey, what's up, bug? My cab ain't going that fast. No, but my dough is. I'm watching the meter. Better get those brakes fixed. Well, everybody out. How much is it, driver? One buck, including the tip. Well, what will it be without the tip? Four days in the hospital. OK, driver, you better come in with us, too. Boy, is this a swanky-looking place. I'll knock here on the door. I think she's coming. I see her through the window. Well, since when did they put windows on keyholes? Oh, how do you do, Miss Dazzle? Uh-oh, you better stick close, boys. You ain't much, but you're men. And just step into my trophy room till I find my... I mean, fix my hair. OK, Miss Dazzle, come on, boys. We'll go in this room over here. Hey, hey, boy, what a trophy room. Look at the pictures and souvenirs of all of her ex-husbands. Look what this says on this one. First husband, caught on the continent, 1926. Thought he was an English pier. Turned out to be a Liverpool dock. Here's a third husband, set of store teeth, rampant and a hunk of taffy. And oh, look here, her fifth husband's topé. Probably just a heirloom. Hey, come here, folks. Get a load of this one, will you? James Snuffy. What a name. Age 54, divorced, had dough and refused to kick in. Oh, yeah, get a load of this one, though. Oscar O'Shaw, age 98, divorced, had the dough but refused to kick off. How about that? Here comes old Brenda Dazzle. Oh, oh, what a room full of remembering. Yes, quite a gathering here. Say, tell me, Miss Dazzle, how long have you been at this matrimonial bingo? Just long enough to make me realize how fickle men are. Do you know how I won all these men? Sure, lady. You hit the jerkpot. Now, Miss Dazzle, these men are the ones I brought over as prospective American husbands. Really? Mm-hmm. I thought maybe they were something you picked up on a scavenger hunt. Oh, hello, old gentleman here, St. Driver. How would you like to marry Miss Dazzle? Under the influence of chloroform. Don't be a dope while she's got a hundred million bucks. That's a hundred million reasons why you should marry her. Maybe, but I got ten reasons for not marrying her. What are they? A wife of nine kids. I'm scrambling. Well, that's one down. How about you, Andy? Would you like to marry Miss Dazzle? Yes, Graham. What have you got that I don't want? They don't want to marry nobody. Well, think of the money she's got, Andy. Oh, shucks. I don't need it. I got Miss Everett kick it on the sweepstakes, and Janet has all his winsom. After all, I got a date with a mop bucket. Yeah, well. Well, I really saved the best for the last. He's really your type, Miss Dazzle. Hey, Herky, pretend that you're a caveman, will you? Oh, oh, you big, strong, muscular man. Oh, say, well, don't let these muscles fool you. You know, very few people know I take my setting up exercises sitting down. Will I marry you? Yes. Oh, heavens, I couldn't marry you, Miss Dazzle. Why not? Because my mom makes me get home every night before nine o'clock, and I hear the curfew now, so... You do. I'll see you later. No, I did my best. Try to find your husband, Miss Dazzle, but try to say it three of them. Say, maybe you've got a picture in your mind of your next husband, huh? Mm-hmm. I have. And he's about 26 years old. That's a funny thing, you know, I'm 26 years old. And my dream man is over six feet tall. Yeah, I'm over six feet tall. And he has red hair. I got red hair. He has a face just like yours. That's funny. I got a face just like mine. Can't you see? I want you to speak for yourself, John boy. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, come to my arms. Now, get away. Kiss me, my food. Now, cut it out, weena. Don't try to throw your arms round me. Now, cut it out. Why, Mr. Scouton, I believe you're actually scared of me. Who, me? I should say I am not. Then, for goodness' sake, come down off that chandelier. Mexicali Rose, an old song of the heart that has been made new again by its warm sentiment and lovely melody. Kurt Massey and the Avalon Chorus sing it for you now. Kurt? In sunny days. In quality. They're made from a smooth, mild blend of the highest quality Turkish and domestic tobaccos. In fact, you couldn't get finer quality tobaccos in any other cigarette, regardless of price, regardless of brand. And still, Union-made Avalons cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular-priced cigarettes. A repeated saving that will turn into many, many extra dollars in a surprisingly short time. Truly, ladies and gentlemen, Avalons are the cigarette buy of today. So, like I said to the boys, try a pack of Avalons tonight. The price of life and the send-out Scouton service are really getting someplace. You think so? Lady, you think Mr. Avalon's got the right dope on this show? Well, he says you'll do till the right dope comes along. Oh, watch the year. So, good night, everybody. We'll see you next week. Remember, friends, during the week when you ask for Avalons... Don't forget your change. Yes, you'd never guess, but Avalons cost only ten cents plus city or state tax. Evening at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Avalon Time reaches you from our Chicago studios. This is the National Broadcasting Company. Full of a watch time.