 Hello, my name is Matt Bohannon and I am a person in long-term recovery from substance use disorder. Currently work in the substance use treatment field helping other individuals get sober and seek treatment that they deserve. When you stand behind a cause I'm here to speak about the pain recovered loud to normalize the disease that's been killing all my friends and my family the time is now to let it all go and recover loud the benefit is healthy people family and friends that never have to overdose ever again never have to plead out to a lesser defense I'm proud to say that I recover loud I never thought I could but I'm so proud that I discovered how to live my life again controlled in my own destiny I needed recovery I still needed desperately addiction never defined my identity I recover loud here to tell my own story I recover proud save a life of like 40 I recover loud yeah I recover loud I recover loud yeah I recover loud Hi, welcome to this episode of recover loud I'm your host Mike Paddleford and I recover loud This week I'm sitting down with my guest Matt Bohannon from Manchester, New Hampshire Matt, welcome to the show you've got some great experience both in your own personal recovery and now you're working in the field can you tell us a little bit about what it was like for you growing up what kind of childhood did you have? Yeah, absolutely so I'm from out of Rome, Massachusetts I grew up with a loving mom and dad normal household I have an older brother who's about nine years older than me so you know there was some tension there because we're at two totally different spans in our life and our parents provided us the best life they could for us possible but we share a small bedroom growing up we're always on top of each other and I'm always trying to get attention from others because I feel like I don't belong I remember from a really young age I would never get my way and to show that I would show aggression that's how it kind of all started I have scars right here I punched my arm through a glass plate window I'm pretty sure because my mom told me that I couldn't have something to eat that I wanted causing destruction anywhere and that was at a really young age and I really struggled with feeling less than my whole life you know from probably 10 years old it was where I really started to feel that way and then all the way up to the you know 20, 21, 22 you know and who was it that you felt you were less there? you mean who wasn't in my life that made me feel that way I mean were you comparing yourself to? I think I was comparing myself to the other kids within schools right like they had nicer clothes than I did right like my parents could maybe only shop at Walmart which is nothing wrong I shopped at Walmart today I love Walmart you know now we see the value you know we see the value right it was like oh those clothes are from Walmart or Kmart back then right and you know I was always comparing myself to the other kids within my neighborhood or within the school I was bullied a lot growing up I was overweight as a kid and it really just put a strain on me trying to connect with other people you know my whole life so did you live you know in Massachusetts your entire childhood? yeah I've always lived in Massachusetts I spent some time growing up in Norton Mass as I moved to Atterborough and then eventually pretty much in high school I lived in North Atterborough, Massachusetts and I grew up in Massachusetts as well just outside of Worcester but I had a similar upbringing I had aunts and uncles that lived at the lake we lived in an apartment I felt less than you know most of the people around and I mean I even went so far as to tell people I was adopted into the family I was in because I didn't feel like I wanted to be seen better than they were you know what I mean and I struggled with that quite a bit because I didn't want to be that kid whose clothes got bought at Kmart and I had to get husky jeans and have them hemmed because I was a short kid and all of that embarrassment I fought that so that's I mean I still struggle with that today sometimes and I did you know even as you know regardless of where I am as an adult today and it's a tough thing to get over is that kind of while you started using substances yeah I would say you know when I probably got into early high school my friends that I had at the time would you know want to go steal the liquor from the parent's cabinet or go smoke some weed down the street and I started there like dabbling into it because I'll do whatever you want me to do for you to like me right like I'm a people pleaser at heart even I struggle with that still today right I always give give give just so you'll like me right it's like can I buy your happiness or can I buy your love right and you know I regret that today when you look back on it but that's exactly what happened is I you know I do have some you know friends from high school that I still speak to today you know they're now in recovery or not in recovery but that's exactly what it was to fit in but because I'm an addictive personality once I'm starting that I can't stop you know no matter what it is right it can be the alcohol the marijuana it can be anything really you know there's so many addictions shopping you just see my shoes you know all the shoes I go to yeah and I mean anything can become the addiction you know we happen to go down the path of using substances but you know like you said it can be gambling it can be you know sex you know there's all kinds of ways to fill that gap because it's filling a void that's what it is right it's like this big hole I have in my heart and it's like what can I stuff in that hole to feel better and that's what I did essentially you know what I mean I took it and run I took it and ran with it and then when I was like 18 someone's like oh do you want to try this perk five just bite it in half you know crunch crunch that's what we call it back then crunch crunch right and the minute I did that perk five I was screwed yeah I was screwed you know what I mean it was I have arrived you know what I mean it was my aha moment right and then it progressed it was on perk five it was OC 80s right it was just it kept progressing you know and that's where I like that's where I heard a lot of people in my life and you know it's a good point you made there you know when we started doing these it wasn't drugs didn't seem so bad no not like it is today you know it was wow you know this is awesome you know I feel you know I can talk to this group of people I can relax I can you know I can jump off this bridge I can clean my whole apartment today I can clean my house right you know the normal stuff becomes you know so you better at work you better at school you know yeah yeah eventually it's like eventually no it's like you can't do any of that any of this stuff anymore I know right right and you know in one of the seminars today they were talking you know in the beginning we start using to feel better and then in the end we have to quit so that we can feel better and we can do better you know because in the beginning I know for me I started with an addiction to opiates that were prescribed and when I got them I could do more you know I could play baseball with the kids I could you know run and run I could do all that stuff and then towards the end I couldn't do anything without and even when I did them you know it wasn't getting me to that point anymore I was chasing that first time I was chasing that so how long did you end up using four do you think I would say you know real heavily it would be from you know 2009 you know when I consider heavy use all the way through 2019 it's almost 10 years so it started with a perk it started with a perk and ended with God it ended with a meth pipe and boof in Suboxone to be honest yeah you know yeah yeah and you know that's I appreciate you sharing that because people have done things all kinds of ways and you know when they find out that you know they can identify with somebody else you know we all have individual experiences that other people can experience from exactly you know benefit from I mean what the progression right it's the crazy shit it's like hearing from someone else that I'm getting high with like a getting high buddy how have you tried it like that it hits you ten times faster right and it's that it's in my mind it's like how can I do it cheaper and faster right how am I going to achieve my high cheaper and faster and how am I going to get there quickly right and who am I going to piss off along the way right it's like when you're in that addiction no matter what it is it's like nothing else matters right so all you care about is me, me, me and the drug you know what I mean that's when you start to experiment in any ways like there was a guy at the conference I talked to about harm reduction right and you know they're trying to you know teach people that there's better ways to use your substances than using needles right and there's different materials that you can use you know and it's all about back then you know 2009 you know 2015 there wasn't all these materials you hear about right it's like I would put anything in my body you know no matter what the consequences could be you know so it's really just addiction today is ten times worse than it ever has been I think you know and there's yeah because the substances themselves have you know I mean they're hitting us different they're grabbing us different you know these programs that were you know created back in the 40s and 50s to help with addiction you know they work great yeah but when it comes to these the substances today sometimes something extras harm reduction is you know a great a great way to you know keep people alive correct you know it doesn't have to lead anywhere but to tomorrow you know people are dying on the streets from you know infection disease all of these other things the overdose is only one way that we're losing you know people who use drugs you know so if we can help them you know to do things safer today than that obviously there's a benefit to that you know one thing I like to say is you know there's zero percent chance of recovery after a fatal overdose you know and you know that really drills a point home you know we have to keep people alive for a long time there was so much stigma even in my personal life about harm reduction and like medicated assisted treatment and it's a way for someone to possibly gain insight into the recovery process just because you were using 10 grams of heroin yesterday down to 3 grams that's like a let's go let's go great job and some people are like well they're still using they're not in recovery maybe they're not in recovery but they're on their way and they can talk all day about they're in the recovery are they not in recovery but it's a start in the right direction and see my definition of recovery is recovery is a process of change that leads to a better tomorrow period there's pre contemplation there's contemplation so before you're even considering quitting that substance you know you can be there you know when you recognize that you're having you don't like doing this anymore you start thinking what can I do better and then you start you know getting clean supplies refusing to use the puddle water you know these little things that can guarantee that your safety you know a little bit more so you have a chance of of living today you know wanting to live today you know that's all part of recovery that's what it's about and quitting the substance itself is you know I mean that's a great goal of my recovery you know but it doesn't have to be the end result so while you were using how bad did it get for you it got pretty bad I would say right away in between 2009 and 2011 the first like two years of the opioid use I was stealing from my friends family lying about ways to get money it was terrible you know the standard like you know how to behavior you know manipulation and lying you know but I really struggled after my partner died he overdosed from opiates and I felt like you know this is gonna be it I'm gonna get better now like he died I can't continue to get high that's selfish but what did I do I got high right away I was at his funeral you know what I mean that's what you knew that's all I know right and you know my family tried to intervene my brother and his husband they paid for a private treatment center for me to go to in upstate New York I left that treatment center I was homeless you know what I mean in New York I had to find my way back here was talking to you before I'm motivated so I'm gonna do something I'm gonna do it right I'm determined and it didn't really start to change per se you know until I made the decision to go to treatment and that's when I went to Florida you know when I had my heart was said I'm getting better you know yeah and you mentioned how many treatment programs about seven and how many did you graduate seven yeah which is crazy you know seven completed treatments you know so so what was it that was bringing you back out after after completing I you know I've done a lot of work on myself you know through different various ways therapy and etc and it was it's really about not having any coping mechanisms to deal with life right like when shit hits the fan what am I gonna do but didn't you learn those in those programs you graduated from I went to those programs to have a place to rest my head right I don't want to be homeless right that's the truth I went to treatment yes I part of me wanted to change in my heart I did but at the end of the day I didn't want to be homeless yeah the places in Florida had great food to eat you know what I mean and I know how to do treatment show up I'm compliant you know I'm respectful but at the end of the day I wasn't paying attention to me those groups you know I wasn't really trying to change and motivate myself you know like treatment centers offer different types of modalities of treatment right some are 12 steps some are you know coping mechanisms and skills right but it was really about taking what I knew up here and putting in my heart yeah that's that's when the change came like I can say hi my name is Matt and I'm an alcoholic or an addict right and I can say that all day long but I never believed it right and that's when the change came is when I started to believe treatment is just treatment you know what I mean at the end of the day like treatment is great you know I'm 100% supporter of someone going to treatment but you also have to have some motivation for change absolutely you know you have room stuff we'll be right back as stick around for more of this interview with Matt have a false sense of security that makes sense so like I never really thought about it that way but that so like they say like some people say like recovery is not a race it's a marathon right and I I'm all about like checklists and you know deadlines right so like in the beginning they'd be like did you pray and meditate today check I did that I'm doing it is your bed made right yes it's made is my bed made right now you know what I mean that's not part like that's it is what it is and you know honestly if I wasn't filming this interview my hotel room right now I don't know but I don't think my recovery is in danger today correct but back then that was a big deal and I do believe and you know when we're out there ripping and running we lack you know we're either homeless most times we're homeless right we're couch surfing right and I think for the first like good couple months routine is good making your bed you know taking a shower but you are right like I think the times when the treatment didn't work it's like I completed treatment you know who let's party let's celebrate I can drink today because I just completed 30 days of treatment I'm good and that's what happens a lot like the people I know like they'll go to treatment for 30 days and then they'll come out and do one shot thinking they're good and then they're dead yeah and see you know when I went to I went to detox and you know got started on Suboxone and then went into a rehab program and after a week or so I didn't I wasn't thinking about drugs anymore you know so I thought why the hell am I going to be here for six to nine months you know I mean I was like I'm on my meds I'm not thinking about getting high I should why am I here and it was really about you know learning about myself learning how not to use learning how to cope with other people and you know rely on something other than a substance that you know to run and hide from the daily struggles you know but it was you know I had that clarity you know with the medication assisted treatment that I could work on that kind of stuff you know and without that I didn't have it so with you when you finally went into rehab this last time you know what do you think it took this last time for it to be working for you today so when I when I reached out for help this last time you know I wasn't it wasn't at a bad place where I was before right but I knew I was getting there and you know I have some really close friends that I met when I lived in Maine that really pushed me to seek treatment and to really kind of see myself you know but to be honest not to be like weird like you know I would be at work at my you know my job and I'd be in the bathroom like for hours right just like by myself right trying to do like inappropriate things with drugs right just to get the most effect right because it wasn't working anymore and I knew that I was going to die like I had this burning it was like a burning feeling in my heart like in my chest like every day I woke up and I felt scared and alone and I knew that like death was like the next option right so how long do you think you were feeling that way before you finally did something about it I would say for a good six months yeah for a good six months I was just like well I was basically like a zombie in my own body just walking around you know doing the motions you wanted to end and you know you don't want to do it yourself but you know you just hope something happens exactly and that's kind of where it was like you know like they talked about like suicidal ideation you know it was like I didn't have the balls to do anything but I was so depressed and sad on the inside that like I was hoping something bad would happen to me yeah and my 40th birthday was a changing moment for me I woke up that morning you know my house was a trap house my daughter was living there we were you know depriving her you know necessities food that kind of stuff and you know I hated my life and of course that morning at 40 years old I was broke I couldn't even afford the next fix and I cried you know I lay in bed and I cried because I never imagined my life was going to turn to that and to feel better eventually finally I got something to feel better and you know off again you know I didn't feel so bad about myself yeah you didn't feel so bad because you got something to feel better exactly all of a sudden we're Superman you know we're good now yeah so I always want to change how I'm feeling it's weird it's like either when I'm like really high I want to get sober or I'm really dope like I want to get sober it's like weird on both ends and you know honestly that's one of the reasons I really enjoy the work of my Facebook group recovery on the road it's a virtual recovery community center where anyone can reach out at any time they can be sitting at the trap house have that idea in their head and they can connect and you know it's no pressure they can join the group nobody's jumping on them saying you know you need a sponsor you need a recovery coach or they can just be part of a group and they can get that build that hope up and then they can reach out when they're ready the opposite of addiction is connection right and that's why Kevney's sick for so long is not connecting with others and running with everybody that wanted to connect with me and you know that's still hard to even recover today events like this have to talk to everybody all day I was like yeah I'm nervous yeah and you know hundreds of people from around you know several states you know Maine has a very tight knit recovery community you know we get together and have statewide events and you know but when I come out of Maine and I'm meeting all of these other people but it's important for me to talk to everybody because your experience here in New Hampshire is totally different than ours in Maine so you worked in recovery here in New Hampshire yeah that is correct what is it you do? I'm a community outreach coordinator for live free recovery services so we are a treatment provider for substance use disorder and offer gender specific treatment for men and women suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction yeah and your peer support yep I'm a certified recovery support worker in the state of New Hampshire basically a certified recovery coach through the state and it was really cool when that happened because I've never been to college prior to when I'm in college now but I've never accomplished anything I have a GED right so when I took this and became the CRSW I was like wow my connection I'm smart and I'm driven this is cool like I can do something with my life you know and that was all because of this last time getting sober right like the decision that I made like I surrendered 100% right and I now have so many blessings in my life today because of that right and I get to help others you know and that's the part of it you know if you can't come to treatment where I work we're not a good fit for you I'll find the place that isn't good and you know that's important and I appreciate that you work that way because you know a lot of times we are employed by specific agencies but we know not every agency is going to be that perfect fit and everybody does something different so you know if they need that one specific thing you know it's worth it to send them there and give them that chance yeah because why am I going to just to fill a bed at my facilities right where it's going to burden the staff they're probably either going to leave or they're going to have a re-occurrence after completing treatment because they didn't get that specific niche of treatment that they deserve and you know I mean if that's what they want then that's what they should try and having that option is you know really the best chance of somebody getting to you know a better tomorrow and being satisfied this morning in one of the seminars they were talking about you know get to that five year mark and you're a little bit safer but that's when I've heard that before too like when you get your marbles back whatever they call it you know and I believe that allowing someone empowering them with the power of choice and letting them choose their destiny for recovery is what's going to actually work we talked about this being a recovery coach or a CRSW is about the power of choice for the participant or client and if they make that choice whatever that might be MAT, so for living, rehab, detox or no treatment at all they're going to feel empowered and they're going to take responsibility because it was their choice you can't be forced into anything and when things don't work out we can always say this is what you did last time what else are you willing to try and if you just want to try that again try it again as many times it takes, it took me seven times I completed treatment seven times to find recovery and recovery is a journey and whatever that journey looks like however long that journey takes we're just going to keep traveling that's all we can do so MAT I appreciate you sharing your story keep up the great work we need many people out there sharing their experience and bringing other people on this journey with us I appreciate it Recover Loud everyone the pain to normalize the disease that's been killing all my friends and my family to let it all go and recover loud the benefit is healthy people family and friends that never have to overdose ever again never have to bleed out to a lesser defense I'm proud to say that I recover loud I never thought I could but I'm so proud that I discovered how to live my life again controlling my own destiny I still need it desperately Addiction never defines my identity I recover that way to tell my own story