 section 13 of confessions volumes 5 and 6 this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Martin Giesen confessions volumes 5 and 6 by Jean-Jacques Rousseau anonymously translated section 13 having left my scholars for so long a time and lost my relish for the amusements of the town I seldom went out conversing only with madame de Varance and at monsieur Salomon who had lately become our physician he was an honest man of good understanding a great Cartesian spoke tolerably well on the system of the world and his agreeable and instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions I could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so generally adopted but useful instructive discourse has always given me great pleasure nor was I ever backward to joining it I was much pleased with that of monsieur Salomon it appeared to me that when in his company I anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my soul would enjoy when freed of its mortal fetters the inclination I had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on and I began to look after books which might better enable me to understand his discourse those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable to me particularly par royale's oratory and I began to read or rather to devour them one fell into my hands written by father lamie called entretien sur les sciences which was a kind of introduction to the knowledge of those books it treated off I read it over a hundred times and resolved to make this my guide in short I found notwithstanding my ill state of health that I was irresistibly drawn towards study and though looking on each day as the last of my life read with as much avidity as if certain I was to live forever I was assured that reading would injure me but on the contrary I am rather inclined to think it was serviceable not only to my soul but also to my body for this application which soon became delightful diverted my thoughts from my disorders and I soon found myself much less affected by them it is certain however that nothing gave me absolute ease but having no longer any acute pain I became accustomed to languishment and wakefulness to thinking instead of acting in short I looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive and only to be terminated by death this opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life but delivered me from the importunity of medicine to which hitherto I had been forced to submit though contrary to my inclination Salomon convinced that his drugs were unavailing spared me the disagreeable task of taking them and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor madame de Varence by some of those harmless preparations which served to flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor I discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed resumed the use of wine and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health as far as my strength would permit only being careful to run into no excess I even began to go out and visit my acquaintance particularly monsieur de conseil whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me whether it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour or that some hopes of life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart I cannot tell but the apparent certainty of death far from relaxing my inclination for improvement seemed to animate it and I hastened to acquire knowledge for the other world as if convinced I should only possess that portion I could carry with me I took a liking to the shop of a bookseller whose name was Bouchard which was frequented by some men of letters and as the spring whose return I had never expected to see again was approaching furnished myself with some books for Les Charmettes in case I should have the happiness the happiness to return there I had that happiness and enjoyed it to the utmost extent the rapture with which I saw the trees put out their first bud is inexpressible the return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into paradise the snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon and returned to Les Charmettes to enjoy the first warblings of the Nightingale I now thought no more of dying and it is really singular that from this time I never experienced any dangerous illness in the country I have suffered greatly but never kept my bed and have often said to those about me on finding myself worse than ordinary should you see me at the point of death carry me under the shade of an oak and I promise you I shall recover though weak I resumed my country occupations as far as my strength would permit and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our garden without help for I could not take five or six strokes with the spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration when I stooped the beating redoubled and the blood flew with such violence to my head that I was instantly obliged to stand upright being therefore confined to less fatiguing employments I visit myself about the dovehouse and was so pleased with it that I sometimes passed several hours there without feeling a moment's weariness the pigeon is very timid and difficult to tame yet I inspired mine with so much confidence that they followed me everywhere letting me catch them at pleasure nor could I appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an instant and notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them their company became so troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the familiarity I have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals particularly those that are wild and fearful it appeared delightful to me to inspire them with a confidence which I took care never to abuse wishing them to love me freely I have already mentioned that I purchased some books I did not forget to read them but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me I imagined that to read a book profitably it was necessary to be acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned far from thinking that the author did not do this himself but drew assistance from other books as he might see occasion full of this silly idea I was stopped every moment obliged to run from one book to another and sometimes before I could reach the tenth page of what I was studying found it necessary to turn over a whole library I was so attached to this ridiculous method that I lost a prodigious deal of time and had bewildered my head to such a degree that I was hardly capable of doing seeing or comprehending anything I fortunately perceived at length that I was in the wrong road which would entangle me in an inextricable labyrinth and quitted it before I was irrevocably lost when a person has any real taste for the sciences the first thing he perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they mutually attract assist and enlighten each other and that it is impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest though the human understanding cannot grasp all and one must ever be regarded as the principal object yet if the rest are totally neglected the favorite study is generally obscure I was convinced that my resolution to improve was good and useful in itself but that it was necessary I should change my method I therefore had recourse to the encyclopedia I began by a distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various branches but soon discovered that I must pursue a contrary course that I must take each separately and trace it to that point where it united with the rest thus I returned to the general synthetical method but returned with a conviction that I was going right meditation supplied the want of knowledge and a very natural reflection gave strength to my resolution which was that whether I lived or died I had no time to lose for having learned but little before the age of five and twenty and then resolving to learn everything was engaging to employ the future time profitably I was ignorant at what point accident or death might put a period to my endeavors and resolved at all events to acquire with the utmost expedition some idea of every species of knowledge as well to try my natural disposition as to judge for myself what most deserved cultivation in the execution of my plan I experienced another advantage which I had never thought of this was spending a great deal of time profitably nature certainly never meant me for study since attentive application fatigued me so much that I find it impossible to employ myself half an hour together intently on any one subject particularly while following another person's ideas for it has frequently happened that I have pursued my own for a much longer period with success after reading a few pages on an author with close application my understanding is bewildered and should I obstinately continue I tire myself to no purpose a stupid faction seizes me and I am no longer conscious of what I read but in a succession of various subjects one relieves me from the fatigue of the other and without finding respite necessary I can follow them with pleasure I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies taking care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never weary it is true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing relaxations but as my eagerness for improvement increased I contrived to find opportunities for my studies frequently employing myself about two things at the same time without reflecting that both were consequently neglected in relating so many trifling details which delight me but frequently tire my reader I make use of the caution to suppress a great number though perhaps he would have no idea of this if I did not take care to inform him of it for example I recollect with pleasure all the different methods I adopted for the distribution of my time in such a manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure I may say that the portion of my life which I passed in this retirement though in continual ill health was that in which I was least idle and least worried two or three months were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius meantime I enjoyed in the finest season of the year and in a spot it rendered delightful the charms of a life whose worth I was so highly sensible of in such a society as free as it was charming if a union so perfect and the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire can be called society it seemed to me as if I already possessed the improvements I was only in pursuit of or rather better since the pleasure of learning constituted a great part of my happiness I must pass over these particulars which were to me the height of enjoyment but are too trivial to bear repeating indeed true happiness is indescribable it is only to be felt and this consciousness of felicity is proportionately more the less able we are to describe it because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favourable incidents but is an affection of the mind itself I am frequently guilty of repetitions but should be infinitely more so did I repeat the same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind when at length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course the following was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted I rose every morning before the sun and passed through a neighbouring orchard into a pleasant path which running by a vineyard led towards chambery while walking I offered up my prayers not by a vain motion of the lips but a sincere elevation of my heart to the great author of delightful nature whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me I never love to pray in a chamber it seems to me that the walls and all the little workmanship of man interposed between God and myself I love to contemplate him in his works which elevate my soul and raise my thoughts to him my prayers were pure I can affirm it and therefore worthy to be heard I asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts were never divided only an innocent and quiet life exempt from vice sorrow and want I prayed that we might die the death of the just and partake of their lot hereafter for the rest it was rather admiration and contemplation than request being satisfied that the best means to obtain what is necessary from the giver of every perfect good is rather to deserve than to solicit returning from my walk I lessened the way by taking a roundabout path still contemplating with earnestness and delight the beautiful scenes with which I was surrounded those only objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart as I approached our habitation I looked forward to see if madame de verras was stirring and when I perceived her shutters open I even ran with joy towards the house if they were yet shut I went into the garden to wait their opening amusing myself meantime by a retrospection of what I had read the preceding evening or in gardening the moment the shutter drew back I hastened to embrace her frequently half asleep and this salute pure as it was affectionate even from its innocence possessed a charm which the senses can never bestow we usually breakfasted on milk coffee this was the time of day when we had most leisure and when we chatted with the greatest freedom these sittings which were usually pretty long have given me a fondness for breakfast and I infinitely prefer those of England or Switzerland which are considered as a meal at which all the family assemble than those of France where they breakfast alone in their several apartments or more frequently have none at all after an hour or two passed in discourse I went to my study till dinner beginning with some philosophical work such as the logic of par royal locks essays malbranche Leibniz Descartes etc I soon found that these authors perpetually contradict each other and formed the chimerical project of reconciling them which cost me much labour and loss of time bewildering my head without any profit at length renouncing this idea I adopted one infinitely more profitable to which I attribute all the progress I have since made not with standing the defects of my capacity what is certain I had very little for study on reading each author I acquired a habit of following all his ideas without suffering my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them or entering into any dispute on their utility I said to myself I will begin by laying up a stock of ideas true or false but clearly conceived till my understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and make choice of those that are most estimable I am sensible this method is not without its inconveniences but it succeeded in furnishing me with a fund of instruction having passed some years in thinking after others without reflection and almost without reasoning I found myself possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own account and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities of consulting books I amused myself with recollecting and comparing what I had read weighing every opinion on the balance of reason and frequently judging my masters though it was late before I began to exercise my judicial faculties I have not discovered that they had lost their vigor and on publishing my own ideas have never been accused of being a servile disciple or of swearing in werba magistry end of section 13 recording by martin geeson in hazel mere sorry section 14 of confessions volumes five and six this librivox recording is in the public domain recording by martin geeson confessions volumes five and six by Jean-Jacques rousseau anonymously translated section 14 from these studies I passed to the elements of geometry for I never went further forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a hundred and a hundred times over I did not admire euclid who rather seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas I preferred the geometry of father la miche who from that time became one of my favorite authors and whose works I yet read with pleasure algebra followed and father la miche was still my guide when I made some progress I perused father reineau science of calculation and then his analysis demonstrated but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the application of algebra to geometry I was not pleased with this method of performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like playing a tune by turning round a handle the first time I found by calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the square of each of its parts and double the product of one by the other though convinced that my multiplication was right I could not be satisfied till I had made and examined the figure not but I admire algebra when applied to abstract quantities but when used to demonstrate dimensions I wished to see the operation and unless explained by lines could not rightly comprehend it after this came Latin it was my most painful study and in which I never made great progress I began by Parc Royale's rudiments but without success I lost myself in a crowd of rules and in studying the last forgot all that preceded it a study of words is not calculated for a man without memory and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory more retentive that urged me obstinately to persist in this study which at length I was obliged to relinquish as I understood enough to read an easy author by the aid of a dictionary I followed that method and found it succeed tolerably well I likewise applied myself to translation not by writing but mentally and by exercise and perseverance attained to read Latin authors easily but have never been able to speak or write that language which has frequently embarrassed me when I have found myself I know not by what means enrolled among men of letters another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is that I never understood prosody much less the rules of versification yet anxious to understand the harmony of the language both in pros and verse I have made many efforts to obtain it but I'm convinced that without a master it is almost impossible having learned the composition of the hexameter which is the easiest of all verses I had the patience to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity and whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short immediately consulted my Virgil it may easily be conceived that I ran into many errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of versification and it is certain that if there is an advantage in studying alone there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable labor as I have experienced more than anyone at twelve I quitted my books and if dinner was not ready paid my friends the pigeons a visit or worked in the garden till it was and when I heard myself called ran very willingly and with a good appetite to partake of it for it is very remarkable that let me be ever so indisposed my appetite never fails we dined very agreeably chatting till madame de varance could eat two or three times a week when it was fine we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house that I had decorated with hops and which was very refreshing during the heat we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables or in conversation relative to our manner of life which greatly increased the pleasure of it I had another little family at the end of the garden there were several hives of bees which I never failed to visit once a day and was frequently accompanied by madame de varance I was greatly interested in their labor and amused myself seeing them return to the hives their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they could hardly walk at first curiosity made me indiscreet and they stung me several times but afterwards we were so well acquainted that let me approach as near as I would they never molested me though the hives were full and the bees ready to swarm at these times I have been surrounded having them on my hands and face without apprehending any danger all animals are distrustful of man and with reason but when once assured he does not mean to injure them their confidence becomes so great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it after this I returned to my books but my afternoon employment ought rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement than labor or study I have never been able to bear application after dinner and in general any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day I employed myself it is true but without restraint or rule and read without studying what I most attended to at these times was history and geography and as these did not require intense application made as much progress in them as my weak memory would permit I had an inclination to study father Pete too and launched into the gloom of chronology but was disgusted at the critical part which I found had neither bottom nor banks this made me prefer the more exact measurement of time by the course of the celestial bodies I should even have contracted a fondness for astronomy had I been in possession of instruments but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements of that art learned from books and a few rude observations made with a telescope sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of the heavenly bodies for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish the stars without the help of a glass I recollect an adventure on this subject the remembrance of which has often diverted me I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the constellations by and having fixed it on a frame when the nights were fine and the sky clear I went into the garden and fixing the frame on four sticks something higher than myself which I drove into the ground turned the planisphere downwards and contrived to light it by means of a candle which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out and then placed in the center of the above mentioned four supporters this done I examined the stars with my glass and from time to time referring to my planisphere endeavored to distinguish the various constellations I think I have before observed that our garden was on a terrace and lay open to the road one night some country people passing very late saw me in a most grotesque habit busily employed in these observations the light which struck directly on the planisphere proceeding from a cause they could not divine the candle being concealed by the sides of the pail the four stakes supporting a large paper marked over with various uncouth figures with the motion of the telescope which they saw turning backwards and forwards gave the whole an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement my figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears a flapped hat put on over my nightcap and a short cloak about my shoulder which madame de vacance had obliged me to put on presented in their idea the image of a real sorcerer being near midnight they made no doubt but this was the beginning of some diabolical assembly and having no curiosity to pry further into these mysteries they fled with all possible speed awakened their neighbors and described this most dreadful vision the story spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to monsieur noiré and i am ignorant what might have been the consequence of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two Jesuits who frequently came to visit us and who without knowing the foundation of the story undeceived and satisfied them these Jesuits told us the whole affair and i acquainted them with the cause of it which altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh however i resolved for the future to make my observations without light and consult my planisphere in the house those who have read Venetian magic in the letters from the mountain may find that i long since had the reputation of being a conjurer such was the life i led at lish Ahmed when i had no rural employments for they ever had the preference and in those that did not exceed my strength i worked like a peasant but my extreme weakness left me little except the will besides as i have before observed i wished to do two things at once and therefore did neither well i obstinately persisted in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart and for that purpose i always carried some book with me which while at work i studied with inconceivable labor i was continually repeating something and i'm really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid i must have learned and relearned the eclogs of Virgil twenty times over though at this time i cannot recollect a single line of them i have lost or spoiled a great number of books by a custom i had of carrying them with me into the dove house the garden orchard or vineyard when being busy about something else i laid my book at the foot of a tree on the hedge or in the first place that came to hand and frequently left them there finding them a fortnight after perhaps rotted to pieces or eaten by the ants or snails and this ardour for learning became so far a madness that it rendered me almost stupid and i was perpetually muttering some passage or other to myself end of section 14 recording by martin geeson in hazel mere sorry section 15 of confessions volumes five and six this libra box recording is in the public domain recording by martin geeson confessions volumes five and six by Jean-Jacques rousseau anonymously translated section 15 the writings of par royale and those of the oratory being what i most read had made me half a jansenist and notwithstanding all my confidence their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me a dread of hell which till then i had never much apprehended by little and little disturbed my security and had not madame duvarance tranquilized my soul would at length have been too much for me my confessor who was hers likewise contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes this was a jesuit named father amé a good and wise old man whose memory i shall ever hold in veneration though a jesuit he had the simplicity of a child and his manners less relaxed than gentle were precisely what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by jansenism this good man and his companion father copier came frequently to visit us at le charmet though the road was very rough and tedious for men of their age these visits were very comfortable to me which made the almighty return to their souls for they were so old that i cannot suppose them yet living i sometimes went to see them at chamberie became acquainted at their convent and had free access to the library the remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the idea of those jesuits that i love one on account of the other and though i have ever thought their doctrines dangerous could never find myself in a disposition to hate them cordially i should like to know whether they're ever passed such childish notions in the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine in the midst of my studies and of a life as innocent as man could lead not withstanding every persuasion to the contrary the dread of hell frequently tormented me i asked myself what state am i in should i die at this instant must i be damned according to my jansenists the matter was indubitable but according to my conscience it appeared quite the contrary terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty i had recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts for which i would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should i see him practice the same folly one day meditating on this melancholy subject i exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees with my usual dexterity that is to say without hitting any of them in the height of this charming exercise it entered my mind to make a kind of prognostic that might calm my inquiritude i said i will throw this stone at the tree facing me if i hit my mark i will consider it as a sign of salvation if i miss as a token of damnation while i said this i threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so happily that it struck the body of the tree which truly was not a difficult matter for i had taken care to choose one that was very large and very near me from that moment i never doubted my salvation i know not on recollecting this tray whether i ought to laugh or shudder at myself ye great geniuses who surely laugh at my folly congratulate yourselves on your superior wisdom but insult not my unhappiness for i swear to you that i feel it most sensibly these troubles these alarms inseparable perhaps from devotion were only at intervals in general i was tranquil and the impression made on my soul by the idea of approaching death was less that of melancholy than a peaceful languor which even had its pleasures i have found among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which i made to myself on dying at an age when i had the courage to meet death with serenity without having experienced any great evils either of body or mind how much justice was there in the thought a preconception of what i had to suffer made me fear to live and it seemed that i dreaded the fate which must attend my future days i have never been so near wisdom as during this period when i felt no great remorse for the past nor tormenting fear for the future the reigning sentiment of my soul being the enjoyment of the present serious people usually possess a lively sensuality which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures that are allowed them worldlings i know not why impute this to them as a crime or rather i well know the cause of this imputation it is because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights which they have lost the relish of i had these inclinations and found it charming to gratify them in security of conscience my yet inexperienced heart gave into all with the calm happiness of a child or rather if i dare use the expression with the raptures of an angel for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise dinners on the grass at montagnol suppers in our arbor gathering in the fruits the vintage a social meeting with our neighbors all these were so many holidays in which madame de varance took as much pleasure as myself solitary walks afforded yet pure a pleasure because in them our hearts expanded with greater freedom one particularly remains in my memory it was on a saint louis day whose name madame de varance bore we set out together early and unattended after having heard a mass at break of day in a chapel adjoining our house from a caramelite who attended for that purpose as i proposed walking over the hills opposite our dwelling which we had not yet visited we sent our provisions on before the excursion being to last the whole day madame de varance though rather corpulent did not walk ill and we rambled from hill to hill and wood to wood sometimes in the sun but often are in the shade resting from time to time and regardless how the hours stole away speaking of ourselves of our union of the gentleness of our fate and offering up prayers for its duration which were never heard everything conspired to augment our happiness it had rained for several days previous to this there was no dust the brooks were full and rapid a gentle breeze agitated the leaves the air was pure the horizon free from clouds serenity rained in the sky as in our hearts our dinner was prepared at a peasant's house and shared with him and his family whose benedictions we received these poor savoyards are the worthiest of people after dinner we regained the shade and while i was picking up bits of dried sticks to boil our coffee adame de varance amused herself with herbalizing among the bushes and with the flowers i had gathered for her in my way she made me remark in their construction a thousand natural beauties which greatly amused me and which ought to have given me a taste for botany but the time was not yet come and my attention was arrested by too many other studies besides this an idea struck me which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants the situation of my mind at that moment all that we had said or done that day every object that had struck me brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream i had at ancy seven or eight years before and which i have given an account of in its place the similarity was so striking that it affected me even to tears in a transport of tenderness i embraced madame de varance my dearest friend said i this day has long since been promised me i can see nothing beyond it my happiness by your means is at its height may it never decrease may it continue as long as i am sensible of its value then it can only finish with my life thus happily past my days and the more happily as i perceived nothing that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion not that the cause of my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased but i saw it take another course which i directed with my utmost care to useful objects that the remedy might accompany the evil madame de varance naturally loved the country and this taste did not cool while with me by little and little she contracted a fondness for rustic employments wished to make the most of her land and had in that particular a knowledge which she practiced with pleasure not satisfied with what belonged to the house she hired first a field then a meadow transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of agriculture and instead of remaining unemployed in the house was in the way of becoming a complete farmer i was not greatly pleased to see this passion increase and endeavored all i could to oppose it for i was certain she would be deceived and that her liberal extravagant disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits however i consult myself by thinking the produce could not be useless and would at least help her to live of all the projects she could form this appeared the least ruinous without regarding it therefore in the light she did as a profitable scheme i considered it as a perpetual employment which would keep her from the more ruinous enterprises and out of the reach of imposters with this idea i ardently wished to recover my health and strength that i might super intend her affairs overlook her laborers or rather be the principal one myself the exercise this naturally obliged me to take with the relaxation it procured me from books and study was serviceable to my health the winter following barrio returning from italy brought me some books and among others the bon tempi and la cartella per musica of father bancheri these gave me a taste for the history of music and for the theoretical researches of that pleasing art barrio remained some time with us and as i had been of age for some months i determined to go to janeva the following spring and demand my mother's inheritance or at least that part which belonged to me till it could be ascertained what had become of my brother this plan was executed as it had been resolved i went to janeva my father met me there for he had occasionally visited janeva a long time since without its being particularly noticed though the decree that had been pronounced against him had never been reversed but being esteemed for his courage and respected for his probity the situation of his affairs was pretended to be forgotten or perhaps the magistrates employed with the great project that broke out some little time after were not willing to alarm the citizens by recalling to their memory at an improper time this instance of their former partiality i apprehended that i should meet with difficulties on account of having changed my religion but none occurred the laws of janeva being less harsh in that particular than those of bern where whoever changes his religion not only loses his freedom but his property my rights however were not disputed but i found my patrimony i know not how reduced to very little and though it was known almost to a certainty that my brother was dead yet as there was no legal proof i could not lay claim to his share which i left without regret to my father who enjoyed it as long as he lived no sooner where the necessary formalities adjusted and i had received my money some of which i expended in books then i flew with the remainder to madame de variance my heart beat with the joy during the journey and the moment in which i gave the money into her hands was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it into mine she received this with a simplicity common to great souls who doing similar actions without effort see them without admiration indeed it was almost all expended for my use for it would have been employed in the same manner had it come from any other quarter end of section 15 recording by martin geeson in hazel mere sorry section 16 of confessions volumes five and six this librivox recording is in the public domain recording by martin geeson confessions volumes five and six by john jack russo anonymously translated section 16 my health was not yet re-established i decayed visibly was pale as death and reduced to an absolute skeleton the beating of my arteries was extreme my palpitations were frequent i was sensible of a continual oppression and my weakness became at length so great that i could scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation stoop without verticals or lift even the smallest weight which reduced me to the most tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself it is certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal the vapours is a malady common to people in fortunate situations the tears i frequently shed without reason the lively alarms i felt on the falling of a leaf or the fluttering of a bird inequality of humour in the calm of a most pleasing life lassitude which made me weary even of happiness and carried sensibility to extravagance were instances of this we are so little formed for felicity that when the soul and body do not suffer together they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness of the other had all the pleasures of life courted me my weakened frame would not have permitted the enjoyment of them without my being able to particularise the real seat of my complaint yet in the decline of life after having encountered very serious and real evils my body seemed to regain its strength as if on purpose to encounter additional misfortunes and at the moment i write this though infirm near sixty and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow i feel more ability to suffer than i ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age and in the bosom of real happiness to complete me i had mingled a little physiology among my other readings i set about studying anatomy and considering the multitude movement and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed the human machine my apprehensions were instantly increased i expected to feel mine deranged twenty times a day and far from being surprised to find myself dying was astonished that i yet existed i could not read the description of any malady without thinking it mine and had i not been already indisposed i am certain i should have become so from this study finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine i fancied i had them all and at length gained one more troublesome than any i had yet suffered which i had thought myself delivered from this was a violent inclination to seek a cure which is very difficult to suppress when once a person begins reading physical books by searching reflecting and comparing i became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was a polypus at the heart and dr salomon appeared to coincide with the idea reasonably reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution of considering myself past cure this however was not the case on the contrary i exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy for a polypus resolving to undertake this marvelous cure in a journey which anne had made to montpellier to see the physics garden there and visit monsieur sauvage the demonstrator he had been informed that monsieur fees had cured a polypus similar to that i fancied myself afflicted with madame de variance recollecting this circumstance mentioned it to me and nothing more was necessary to inspire me with a desire to consult monsieur fees the hope of recovery gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey the money from geneva furnished the means madame de variance far from dissuading and treated me to go behold me therefore without further ceremony set out for montpellier but it was not necessary to go so far to find the cure i was in search of finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing i had hired a shares at chronoble and on entering moirant five or six other shares arrived in a rank after mine the greater part of these were in the train of a new married lady called madame du colombier with her was a madame de l'arnage not so young or handsome as the former yet not less amiable the bride was to stop at roman but the other lady was to pursue her route as far as sainte-and-de-ole near the point du sainte-esprit with my natural timidity it will not be conjectured that i was very ready at forming an acquaintance with these fine ladies and the company that attended them but traveling the same road lodging at the same inns and being obliged to eat at the same table the acquaintance seemed unavoidable as any backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very unsociable being it was formed then and even sooner than i desired for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health particularly to one of my humor curiosity renders these vixens extremely insinuating they accomplish their design of becoming acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain and this was precisely what happened to me madame du colombier was too much surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much attention to me besides it was not worthwhile as we were to separate in so short a time but madame de l'arnage less attended to than her young friend had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey behold me then attacked by madame de l'arnage and adieu to poor Jean Jacques or rather farewell to fever vapours and polyps all completely vanished when in her presence the ill state of my health was the first subject of our conversation they saw i was indisposed knew i was going to morpellier but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the appearance of a libertine since it was clear by what followed they did not suspect i was going there for a reason that carries many that road in the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take chocolate with them and when i made my appearance asked how i had passed the night once according to my praise worthy custom of speaking without thought i replied i did not know which answer naturally made them conclude i was a fool but on questioning me further the examination turned out so far to my advantage that i rather rose in their opinion and i once heard madame du colombier say to her friend he is amiable but not sufficiently acquainted with the world these words were a great encouragement and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable as we became more familiar it was natural to give each other some little account of whence we came and who we were this embarrassed me greatly for i was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit the very name of a new convert would utterly undo me i know not by what whimsicality i resolved to pass for an Englishman however in consequence of that determination i gave myself out for a Jacobite and was readily believed they called me monsieur dudding which was the name i assumed with my new character and a cursed marquis tolinion who was one of the company an invalid like myself and both old and ill-tempered took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me he spoke of king james of the pretender and the old court of saint germain i sat on thorns the whole time for i was totally unacquainted with all these except what little i had picked up in the account of earl hamilton and from the gazettes however i made such fortunate use of the little i did know as to extricate myself from this dilemma happy and not being questioned on the english language which i did not know a single word of the company were all very agreeable we looked forward to the moment of separation with regret and therefore made snails journeys we arrived one sunday at saint marcellin's madame de l'arnage would go to mass i accompanied her and had nearly ruined all my affairs for by my modest reserved countenance during the service she concluded me a bigot and conceived a very indifferent opinion of me as i learned from her own account two days after it required a great deal of gallantry on my part to efface this ill impression or rather madame de l'arnage who was not easily disheartened determined to risk the first advances and see how i should behave she made several but far from being presuming on my figure i thought she was making sport of me full of this ridiculous idea there was no folly i was not guilty of madame de l'arnage persisted in such caressing behavior that a much wiser man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously the more obvious her advances were the more i was confirmed in my mistake and what increased my torment i found i was really in love with her i frequently said to myself and sometimes to her sighing ah why is this not all real then should i be the most fortunate of men i am inclined to think my stupidity did but increase her resolution and make her determined to get the better of it we left madame du colombier at roman after which madame de l'arnage the marquis de tolinion and myself continued our route slowly and in the most agreeable manner the marquis though indisposed and rather ill-humoured was an agreeable companion but was not best pleased at seeing the lady bestow all her attentions on me while he passed unregarded for madame de l'arnage took so little care to conceal her inclination that he perceived it sooner than i did and his sarcasm must have given me that confidence i could not presume to take from the kindness of the lady if by a surmise which no one but myself could have blundered on i had not imagined they perfectly understood each other and were agreed to turn my passion into ridicule this foolish idea completed my stupidity making me act the most ridiculous part while had i listened to the feelings of my heart i might have been performing one far more brilliant i am astonished that madame de l'arnage was not disgusted at my folly and did not discard me with disdain but she plainly perceived there was more bashfulness than indifference in my composition end of section 16 recording by martin geeson in hazel mere surrey section 17 of confessions volumes five and six this librivox recording is in the public domain recording by martin geeson confessions volumes five and six by genre anonymously translated section 17 we arrived at valance to dinner and according to our usual custom passed the remainder of the day there we lodged out of the city at the saint james and in i shall never forget after dinner madame de l'arnage proposed a walk she knew the marquee was no walker consequently this was an excellent plan for a tetatet which she was predetermined to make the most of while we were walking around the city by the side of the motes i entered on a long history of my complaint to which she answered in so tender an accent frequently pressing my arm which she held to her heart that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced of the sincerity of her attachment i have already observed that she was amiable love rendered her charming adding all the loveliness of youth and she managed her advances with so much art that they were sufficient to have seduced the most insensible i was therefore in very uneasy circumstances and frequently on the point of making a declaration but the dread of offending her and the still greater of being laughed at ridiculed made table talk and complimented on my enterprise by the satirical marquee had such unconquerable power over me that though ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness i could not take courage to surmount it i had ended the history of my complaints which i felt the ridiculousness of at this time and not knowing how to look or what to say continued silent giving the finest opportunity in the world for that ridicule i so much dreaded happily madame de la nage took a more favorable resolution and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing her arms round my neck while at the same instant her lips spoke too plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood this was reposing that confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from appearing myself for once i was at ease my heart eyes and tongue spoke freely what i felt never did i make better reparation for my mistakes and if this little conquest had cost madame de la nage some difficulties i have reason to believe she did not regret them was i to live a hundred years i should never forget this charming woman i say charming for though neither young nor beautiful she was neither old nor ugly having nothing in her appearance that could prevent her wit and accomplishments from producing all their effects it was possible to see her without falling in love but those she favored could not fail to adore her which proves in my opinion that she was not generally so prodigal of her favors it is true her inclination for me was so sudden and lively that it scarce appears excusable though from the short but charming interval i passed with her i have reason to think her heart was more influenced than her passions our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis not that he discontinued his usual railery on the contrary he treated me as a sighing hopeless swain languishing under the rigors of his mistress not a word smile or look escaped him by which i could imagine he suspected my happiness and i should have thought him completely deceived had not madame de la nage it was more clear sighted than myself assured me of the contrary but he was a well-bred man and it was impossible to behave with more attention or greater civility than he constantly paid me not withstanding his satirical sallies especially after my success which as he was unacquainted with my stupidity he perhaps gave me the honor of achieving it has already been seen that he was mistaken in this particular but no matter i profited by his error for being conscious that the laugh was on my side i took all his sallies in good part and sometimes parried them with tolerable success for proud of the reputation of wit which madame de la nage had thought fit to discover in me i no longer appeared the same man we were both in a country and season of plenty and had everywhere excellent cheer thanks to the good cares of the marquis though i would willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied with the situation of our chambers but he always sent his footmen on to provide them and whether of his own accord or by the order of his master the rogue always took care that the marquis's chamber should be close by madame de la nage's while mine was at the further end of the house but that made no great difference or perhaps it rendered our handi wu the more charming this happiness lasted four or five days during which time i was intoxicated with delight which i tasted pure and serene without any alloy an advantage i could never boast before and i may add it is owing to madame de la nage that i did not go out of the world without having tasted real pleasure if the sentiment i felt for her was not precisely love it was at least a very tender return of what she testified for me our meetings were so delightful that they possessed all the sweets of love without that kind of delirium which affects the brain and even tends to diminish our happiness i never experienced true love but once in my life and that was not with madame de la nage neither did i feel that affection for her which i had been sensible of and yet continued to possess for madame de variance but for this very reason our tetatet were a hundred times more delightful when with madame de variance my felicity was always disturbed by a secret sadness a compunction of heart which i found it impossible to surmount instead of being delighted at the acquisition of so much happiness i could not help reproaching myself for contributing to render her i loved unworthy on the contrary with madame de la nage i was proud of my happiness and gave into it without repugnance while my triumph redoubled every other charm i do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis who resided in this country but i know we were alone on our arrival at montellymar where madame de la nage made her chambermaid get into my shares and accommodate me with a seat in hers it will easily be believed that traveling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me and that i should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed through she had some business at montellymar which detained her there two or three days during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an hour for a visit she could not avoid which embarrassed her with a number of invitations she had no inclination to accept and therefore excused herself by pleading some in disposition though she took care this should not prevent our walking together every day in the most charming country and under the finest sky imaginable oh those three days what reason have i to regret them never did such happiness return again the amours of a journey cannot be very durable it was necessary we should part and i must confess it was almost time not that i was weary of my happiness but i might as well have been we endeavored to comfort each other for the pain of parting by forming plans for our reunion and it was concluded that after staying five or six weeks at montpellier which would give madame de l'arnage time to prepare for my reception in such a manner as to prevent scandal i should return to saint and et al and spend the winter under her direction she gave me ample instruction on what it was necessary i should know on what it would be proper to say and how i should conduct myself she spoke much and earnestly on the care of my health conjured me to consult skillful physicians and be attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might happen to be i believe her concern was sincere for she loved me and gave proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her favours for judging by my mode of traveling that i was not in very affluent circumstances though not rich herself on our parting she would have had me share the contents of her purse which she had brought pretty well furnished from granable and it was with great difficulty i could make her put up with a denial in a word we parted my heart full of her idea and leaving in hers if i am not mistaken a firm attachment to me while pursuing the remainder of my journey remembrance ran over everything that had passed from the commencement of it and i was well satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable shares where i could ruminate at ease on the pleasures i had enjoyed and those which awaited my return i only thought of saint on day of the life i was to lead there i saw nothing but madame de l'arnaige or what related to her the whole universe besides was nothing to me even madame de verras was forgotten i set about combining all the details by which madame de l'arnaige had endeavoured to give me in advance an idea of her house of the neighborhood of her connections and manner of life finding everything charming she had a daughter whom she had often described in the warmest terms of maternal affection this daughter was fifteen lively charming and of an amiable disposition madame de l'arnaige promised me her friendship i had not forgotten that promise and was curious to know how madmoiselle de l'arnaige would treat her mother's bon ami these were the subjects of my reveries from the point du saint esprit de remoulin i had been advised to visit the point du gare here the two i had seen none of the remaining monuments of roman magnificence and i expected to find this worthy the hands by which it was constructed for once the reality surpassed my expectation this was the only time in my life it ever did so and the romans alone could have produced that effect the view of this noble and sublime work struck me the more forcibly from being in the midst of a desert where silence and solitude render the majestic edifice more striking and admiration more lively for though called a bridge it is nothing more than an aqueduct one cannot help exclaiming what strength could have transported these enormous stones so far from any quarry and what motive could have united the labours of so many millions of men in a place that no one inhabited i remained here whole hours in the most ravishing contemplation and returned pensive and thoughtful to my inn this reverie was by no means favorable to madame de l'arnage she had taken care to forewarn me against the girls of montpellier but not against the point du gare it is impossible to provide for every contingency on my arrival at neem i went to see the amphitheatre which is a far more magnificent work than even the point du gare yet it made a much less impression on me perhaps because my admiration had been already exhausted on the former object or that the situation of the latter in the midst of a city was less proper to excite it this vast and superb circus is surrounded by small dirty houses while yet smaller and dirtier fill up the area in such a manner that the whole produces an unequal and confused effect in which regret and indignation stifle pleasure and surprise the amphitheatre at verona is a vast deal smaller and less beautiful than that at neem but preserved with all possible care and neatness by which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable impression on me the french pay no regard to these things respect no monument of antiquity ever eager to undertake they never finish nor preserve anything that is already finished to their hands end of section 17 recording by martin geeson in hazel mere sorry section 18 of confessions volumes five and six this libra box recording is in the public domain recording by martin geeson confessions volumes five and six by genre grosso anonymously translated section 18 i was so much better and had gained such an appetite by exercise that i stopped a whole day at the pond a lunel for the sake of good entertainment and company this being deservedly esteemed at that time the best in in europe for those who kept it knowing how to make its fortune at situation turned to advantage took care to provide both abundance and variety it was really curious to find in a lonely country house a table every day furnished with sea and fresh water fish excellent game and choice wines served up with all the attention and care which are only to be expected among the great or opulent and all this for thirty five soos each person but the point a lunel did not long remain on this footing for the proprietor presuming too much on its reputation at lengths lost it entirely during this journey i really forgot my complaints but recollected them again on my arrival at morpelier my vapours were absolutely gone but every other complaint remained and though custom had rendered them less troublesome they were still sufficient to make anyone who had been suddenly seized with them suppose himself attacked by some mortal disease in effect they were rather alarming than painful and made the mind suffer more than the body though it apparently threatened the latter with destruction while my attention was called off by the vivacity of my passions i paid no attention to my health but as my complaints were not altogether imaginary i thought of them seriously when the tumult had subsided recollecting the salutary advice of madame de l'arnage and the cause of my journey i consulted the most famous practitioners particularly monsieur fees and through super abundance of precaution boarded at a doctor's who was an irish man and named fits morris this person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying physics and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid he contented himself with a moderate pension for provisions lodging etc and took nothing of his borders for attendance as a physician he even undertook to execute the orders of monsieur fees and endeavored to re-establish my health he certainly acquitted himself very well in this employment as to regimen indigestions were not to be gained at his table and though i am not much hurt at privations of that kind the objects of comparison were so near that i could not help thinking with myself sometimes that monsieur le marquis de tolinion was a much better provider than monsieur fits morris notwithstanding as there was no danger of dying with hunger and all the youths were gay and good humoured i believe this manner of living was really serviceable and prevented my falling into those langurs i had latterly been so subject to i passed the morning in taking medicines particularly i know not what kind of waters but believe they were those of vals and in writing to madame le larnage for the correspondence was regularly kept up and who so kindly undertook to receive these letters for his good friend dudding at noon i took a walk to the canoer with some of our young boarders who were all very good lads after this we assembled for dinner when this was over an affair of importance employed the greater part of us till night this was going a little way out of town to take our afternoon's collation and make up two or three parties at mall or mallet as i had neither strength nor skill i did not play myself but i betted on the game and interested for the success of my wager followed the players and their balls over rough and stony roads procuring by this means both an agreeable and salutary exercise we took our afternoon's refreshment at an in out of the city i need not observe that these meetings were extremely merry but should not omit that they were equally innocent though the girls of the house were very pretty monsieur fits morris who was a great mall player himself was our president and i must observe not withstanding the imputation of wildness that is generally bestowed on students that i found more virtuous dispositions among these youths than could easily be found among an equal number of men they were rather noisy than fond of wine and more merry than libertine i accustomed myself so much to this mode of life and it accorded so entirely with my humour that i should have been very well content with the continuance of it several of my fellow boarders were irish from whom i endeavoured to learn some english words as a precaution for saint and a l the time now drew near for my departure every letter madame the larnage wrote she entreated me not to delay it and at length i prepared to obey her i was convinced that the physicians who understood nothing of my disorder looked on my complaint as imaginary and treated me accordingly with their waters and way in this respect physicians and philosophers differ widely from theologians admitting the truth only of what they can explain and making their knowledge the measure of possibilities these gentlemen understood nothing of my illness therefore concluded i could not be ill and who would presume to doubt the profound skill of a physician i plainly saw they only meant to amuse and make me swallow my money and judging their substitute at saint and a l would do me quite as much service and be infinitely more agreeable i resolved to give her the preference for therefore of this wise resolution i quitted more pelier i set off towards the end of november after a stay of six weeks or two months in that city where i left a dozen louis without either my health or understanding being the better for it except from a short course of anatomy begun under monsieur fitz morris which i was soon obliged to abandon from the horrid stench of the bodies he dissected which i found impossible to endure not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this expedition as i advanced towards the point du sainte esprit which was equally the road to saint and a l and to chanberry i began to reflect on madame de vacance the remembrance of whose letters though less frequent than those from madame de larnage awakened in my heart a remorse that passion had stifled in the first part of my journey but which became so lively on my return that setting just estimate on the love of pleasure i found myself in such a situation of mind that i could listen wholly to the voice of reason besides in continuing to act the part of an adventurer i might be less fortunate than i had been in the beginning for it was only necessary that in all saint and a l there should be one person who had been in england or who knew the english or anything of their language to prove me an imposter the family of madame de larnage might not be pleased with me and would perhaps treat me unpolitely her daughter too made me uneasy for in spite of myself i thought more of her than was necessary i trembled lest i should fall in love with this girl and that very fear had already half done the business was i going in return for the mother's kindness to seek the ruin of the daughter to sow dissension dishonor scandal and hell itself in her family the very idea struck me with horror and i took the firmest resolution to combat and vanquish this unhappy attachment should i be so unfortunate as to experience it but why expose myself to this danger how miserable must the situation be to live with the mother whom i should be weary of and sigh for the daughter without daring to make known my affection what necessity was there to seek this situation and expose myself to misfortunes affronts and remorse for the sake of pleasures whose greatest charm was already exhausted for i was sensible this attachment had lost its first vivacity with these thoughts were mingled reflections relative to my situation and duty to that good and generous friend who already loaded with debts would become more so from the foolish expenses i was running into and whom i was deceiving so unworthily this reproach at length became so keen that it triumphed over every temptation and on approaching the point you satispris i formed the resolution to burn my whole magazine of letters from saint andale and continue my journey right forward to chamberie i executed this resolution courageously with some size i confess but with the heartfelt satisfaction which i enjoyed for the first time in my life of saying i merit my own esteem and know how to prefer duty to pleasure this was the first real obligation i owed my books since these had taught me to reflect and compare after the virtuous principles i had so lately adopted after all the rules of wisdom and honor i had proposed to myself and felt so proud to follow the shame of possessing so little stability and contradicting so egregiously my own maxims triumphed over the allurements of pleasure perhaps after all pride had as much share in my resolution as virtue but if this pride is not virtue itself its effects are so similar that we are pardonable in deceiving ourselves one advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the soul to a disposition of attempting still better for such is human weakness that we must place among our good deeds and abstinence from those crimes we are tempted to commit no sooner was my resolution confirmed than i became another man or rather i became what i was before i had erred and saw in its true colors what the intoxication of the moment had either concealed or disguised full of worthy sentiments and wise resolutions i continued my journey intending to regulate my future conduct by the laws of virtue and dedicate myself without reserve to that best of friends to whom i vowed as much fidelity in future as i felt real attachment the sincerity of this return to virtue appeared to promise a better destiny but mine alas was fixed and already begun even at the very moment when my heart full of good and virtuous sentiments was contemplating only innocence and happiness through life i touched on the fatal period that was to draw after it the long chain of my misfortunes end of section 18 recording by martin geesen in hazel mere surrey