 Hey everyone and welcome. This is Jack Butler and I'm excited to be here today Talking with Jonathan Astley who is a very successful youtuber. He's got a great channel. You should check it out I'll link it beneath the video and we are here talking about why women accept casual when they are looking for Committed so Jonathan welcome to the channel. I'm so I'm so grateful that you reached out to me I I want you to know I followed your work as well and yes And I really appreciate your Person of development take in how you approach You know whether it's dating mating or relating to just individual growth and and so I want you know You are on my radar. So when you reached out, I'm like, oh, I'm excited. Yes. No, it's good I appreciate that so one of the reasons I was keen to get you on the channel Is that you have done a lot with working with women in dating over 40? Yeah, so if anyone's you know in that category in listening, I want you to pay particular attention So we're gonna dialogue here a bit So let's just just dive in because you were saying some stuff before we got on here that was really interesting And so what's your take on on this question? Why are women accepting casual when they're really wanting commitment? well I'm gonna go down a rabbit hole here for everyone that's watching so just bear with me for a second and Just to give some context. Yeah, I After turning 40 and going through a divorce about a decade and a half ago I found myself in the dating marketplace and it was a completely different world because in my generation There was no internet We met people organically and now that there's the internet and I thought oh what a great way to meet someone You just plug in exactly what you want and someone would magically appear and After one and I mean I'd meet her. Yeah, I'd meet a really nice gal. We'd have a great date, but something wasn't right I'd meet another one nice gal great date another one So, you know something wasn't right quite frankly. I had over a hundred internet dates in my first one in a year Oh, yeah, I literally was to a week. Well, and and I had even a short-lived relationship in there What I found the problem wasn't the women the problem was me So I actually began doing work Under individual work personal development self-help spiritual work. Yeah, so to get a sense of what what am I doing wrong and and I don't like even characterizing the word wrong, but yeah ineffective and What was interesting was I was actually communicating with so many women They were asking my advice about men dating relationships their profile that I switched professions from the insurance field to helping Give advice on just to improve dating profiles. Yeah And and I grew to such a point where I've actually established I'm actually, you know, I I'm in the like second tier of the top tier people That are in this industry if you will and I mean that there are people more successful than me, but I'm quite successful What I recognized was when I was in my 20s and I'm answering the question now when I was in my 20s and 30s I was very programmed and I'm of that baby boom Gen X period I'm right at the cusp of that age bracket. My programming was Go to college Get a job meet a gal get married buy a house start a family. That was my programming So when I was in my 20s, I was on the hunt for a wife yeah, okay and And and and all my friends were on the hunt for a wife because we had this programming about family Yeah, then at 40. I went through a divorce and I was a train wreck for easily five years I was a disaster emotionally speaking and yet I craved companionship Yeah, I craved connection and I crave sex. What was missing was commitment Yeah, two reasons a I was gun shy to commitment Of course, but be I didn't know what commitment looked like because the demographic I was dating and roughly, you know I say this is anecdotal, but roughly 75 percent of people over 45 years old are divorced Yeah, and divorce comes with it an emotional Entanglement it's an it's an unraveling of the tapestry of a life You thought you were going to build. Yeah, and now it's it's it's you know, it's like it's free So what commitment looks like in particularly for those of us in 40 divorce Maybe children or whatnot is ambiguous at best. Yeah, we think of monogamy and exclusivity as forms of commitment yeah but After that You know, you can you know, you can break up with anyone if someone at any given time, you know There isn't really any deep roots of commitment and what men in particular is they don't have the blueprint of What commitment looks like? After getting married, you know after going through a divorce and what I mean to say is short of marriage again And if you're gun shy of shared marriage again, yeah, is it is commitment living together? Is commitment sharing finances coming? Yeah, and so So now coming back to your question. Why are women accepting? casual to commitment It's because we've been indoctrinated in believing that chemistry equals relationship success You know Lust and limerence, you know that happens in early stage. Oh my god. We lust for each other graduation, yeah, and and yet why do women find themselves six weeks later after you know They've been intimate with someone all of a sudden. He says I'm not ready for a relationship was because Men right off the bat a significant percentage aren't committed to the idea of commitment Do you say they aren't committed to the idea? They are not committed to the idea of commitment for it. Yeah Now they might say the words. I'm seeking a relationship But remember I said earlier companionship connection and sex The fourth leg and I really should say if I want to keep them all sees companionship commitment and coupling, okay? The fourth seed that's missing is commitment and yeah, because they don't know what it looks like for them And you think they don't know what the deeper purpose is is if there's not the purpose of kind of creating family children together And there's not the purpose of marrying or marrying again Interesting so wait So you're actually saying in a way that the issue as I'm hearing it so far is a little bit more on the side of men. Oh Absolutely, and and so it's the men in particular not that men are you know I've we've been indoctrinated in a traditional Expectation that men are the leaders of the relationship Because traditionally speaking men have been the provider protectors and they say I'm gonna take you in my home I'm gonna protect you and I'm gonna provide for you Okay, now you've got this group of men. They're like, I don't know if I want to be provider protector You know, I just went through a nasty divorce. I've got to pay alimony I've got this person that's beating down my neck and it and for some men they have contentious Relationships with their ex that idea provider protector and a lot of people and a lot of people in our realm Particularly I believe female coaches over emphasize this without understanding because I'm a man I went through a divorce the last thing I wanted to be and I went through a contentious divorce The last thing I wanted to be was a provider protector for someone, but everybody says but that's biological. Well, guess what? Biology was for the cavemen for 30 years because that's about as old as a caveman ever got There's no cavemen that made it age 60 and went through divorce Alimony and child support and visitation rights and you know, and there was no so just on that specifically Do you think anything has changed? Sort of substantively since you know 70s and 80s because there was also a decent divorce rate happening then The thing that you mentioned this different is sort of online But do you think this was the same situation that people were dealing with 40 years ago or do you think something is unique to this time? so the proliferation of divorce coincides with the woman's Capacity to no longer be dependent upon a man to support herself Throughout history when you are dependent you might have compromised yourself to To stay with the person that might be miserable, but you had no choice to leave Yeah, roughly in the when women were Had the fortune to be to be able to support themselves financially it allowed them to exit Relationships outside of dependency. Yeah now So that's number one number two I think the advent of birth control has also Shift the narrative because now sex can be done on a casual level and no longer on a committed level Yeah, so comes back to our title casual versus committed women are accepting casual relationships because there's this belief that it's going to turn committed at some point in the future and In many cases your deal if I said earlier if a man isn't committed to the idea of commitment He just wants casual, you know, he might say the words. I want a relationship, but The word relationship can have multiple meanings to multiple different people. What does it mean? Yeah Recall an essentially contested concept like until you define it. Yeah And so, you know a woman's idea of relationship might look something like this and the guy's like I just want to see you at my beck and call and that space in between is called drama by the way Because Yeah, so yeah, so wait so what what I'm hearing is actually that may because you the two things that you pointed to there about Proliferation of divorce rates and birth control again, they have been around for quite a you know number of decades and So I'm I'm wondering if this is actually something that people have been dealing with for a number of decades But maybe actually people want more or different on both sides of the equation from what what is this relationship going to be? If it's not about Creating a family together or we already have that or I don't want it or I'm not capable of it or whatever That's the pieces there What do you think is the best way for a woman to approach? Articulating what she's actually looking for in a relationship beyond just maybe saying commitment like what would be the the best pitch Authentically to a guy to say this is why maybe we want to have a committed relationship So I think it's important and I want to address that question I mean and at the same time there was one other piece I didn't include prior and I want to add that so we said women's capacity to take care of themselves began to increase We have birth control and again since the 70s, you know, I'm saying this is it's a 50 year evolution here what's changed in the last 20 years is this thing and The ease of access to people who wouldn't otherwise be in your your social visual circle I mean, yeah, not your social circle or actually I say it your visual circle because it was everything was proximity based now At a click of a finger, you know a guy can be communicating with he lives in Los Angeles can communicate with someone in Chicago and Begin a yeah, and go and have you know meet them have sex and then say oh, I'm not ready for a relationship So I just wanted to add that piece that's changed so much so in the last 20 years And really it's the last five years of swipe dating That has bastard eyes the mating process Okay, because of this belief of the paradox of choice in other words We have this belief that we have so many choices and that's what's changed in the last five years now to come back to your question One of the things I teach in my private coaching is something I call radical honesty Prequalifying your prospect. It's really about laying your cards on the table Very early on before you ever get attached to another human being and the new term for this is called hard-balling Hard-balling is like look, you know what this is what I want if you're not on the same page as me Then you know, there's no need to even take this any further And that's my now this is gonna scare off 90% of men But these are the 90% that they're not committed to the idea of commitment Mm-hmm, you know, I like to get your take on something. Is it okay if I share with you with you and your audience? something I call the dating vows and It's something to address early on in the dating process. I'm gonna read it It goes like this. Have you ever heard the saying women of the gatekeepers the sex and men of the gatekeepers the commitment? Mm-hmm like and nowadays sex could be given without any commitment And I mean, yeah, there might be the agreement of monogamy and exclusivity, but that's that's still a weak form of commitment So the dating vow before sex states the following each person agrees to the following I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within the next three To six months you're both sharing this I agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together I agree to not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process Including taking down my dating profile I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back ghosting or disappearing and I agree to invest regular time in the process to get to know you which looks like We spend three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends teamwork in both our personal and professional life So I like it my clients have been adopting this and It's scaring off. It scares 90% of men When are they introducing it into the conversation? Very early ideally they want to do it before there's sex or certainly if there's going to be regular sex But I invite them to do it prior to them giving their heart to a man Yeah, because I'm not here to say you know each woman can handle sex differently although women have a propensity To get attached once their sex. I mean we've talked about oxytocin not you and I haven't talked about it I mean most everyone who follows us we've heard those Heard about oxytocin estrogen all those sorts of things. It's really tick tricky. So I invite deeper conversations on the first phone call Yeah, like you got nothing to lose you're not attached to a person if they go oh this feels like an interview I'm like yeah, it is we should be interrogating people. I'm and I'm saying this I don't say this Cavalier Lee it is it is a listen just like a detective interviewing a suspect for murder You have to navigate and I'm being candid here Yeah, there's there's a methodology to do this This is what I teach in my coaching that there's a methodology to evoke it without it seeming like an interrogation But we are at our age for those of us in midlife and you know, I'm not that far You know, I mean you know over 55, you know the days in front of us are shorter than the days behind us We don't have time to mess around when you're over 40. Yeah, so I yeah, I was just making maybe the distinction between Here's what I'm looking for right. I'm looking for you know a real relationship or a committed relationship. Yeah, which is Different than what you you know, I love what you talked about with the dating vows Yeah, that's so that's like a we thing isn't it right? That's a sort of like hey We are both so this is not it's it's personal. It's not impersonal like hey, I'm looking for committed relationship It's personal to you like we are gonna agree to basically date exclusively and if we want to hear a set of agreements That just gives some substance to what that actually looks like. Yeah, you know, so so The question becomes a establishing what your standard is so My standard was before I met my beloved and there's a picture for right there My and we met on a dating site. It happened to be even long distance Which I'm not a big proponent of long distance, but we established very early on what our standard was So my standard at a minimum Was to spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that Leads to either moving in together getting married. That was my standard. That was my box We had to work around that box because of the distance But your lifestyle blended so well with mine that within 90 days We actually chose within a 90-day period to move in together Which occurred five months after we first met Let me just quickly give you backstory, but we've been talking on and off for a year. So it wasn't a total stranger. I can't yeah but We were like look if this is gonna work and she had the flexibility of moving and she had children who lives here We're like if this is gonna work, we've got a either she has to live here or move in together We were fully committed to taking the risk You know both a financial risk and you know Because we thought that this was worth it, you know most people these days I'm gonna be candid with you Jack I think dating today is just a strung-out version of friends with benefits with some minor agreement to monogamy and exclusivity which and I say it I say it cavill I say it almost Not cavalier Lee I say it almost from a caustic perspective is There's really no commitment and Yet remember I said women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are gatekeepers of commitment and Guy doesn't have to give much commitment to get laid on a regular basis So let's imagine for a moment that you I don't know your audience is is Proton women, but let's just say that you were working with a guy and you were trying to enroll him In why a committed relationship might be good for him All right, not just because she wants to have a committed relationship But sort of like in an internally owned like I also want this or yeah I'm in the box that you're talking about. I'm ready to be in a committed relationship Just to kind of get into the male psychology of that. What do you think is most in that for guys I? great question, so I believe the man who is emotionally grown up, okay as emotional maturity in other words He's not overly affected by childhood wounds and traumas, and he's not overly affected by Adult traumas and his the life like the the foundation of his life is solid. Let me give you an example He's not dealing with a contentious divorce. Yeah, he's not dealing with children issues He's not dealing with professional issues, and he's not dealing with very many health issues I'm saying for the most part I mean, yeah, you all have little bits in here But if if you're if the ground underneath you doesn't feel solid. Yeah, then oftentimes all your Interested is in casual relationship, but if you're you know, you're a guy who? You know it's got his shit together so to speak and I don't mean he's wealthy or anything like that But just he's not overly dealing with with problems, okay? And he's attracted to the woman. He's talking with he's physically attracted to her The incentive is look Dating is a fucking bitch excuse my it's just I mean look at do you really want to be swiping all day long, you know I mean, I know I reached a saturation point four years ago You know before I met my beloved I reached out like this is just it's exhausting Mm-hmm constantly now when I said emotionally healthy It's also you're not looking for the bigger better deal all the time you we have a lot of you know And and who are players and they're constantly seeking that next thrill So dating becomes a cereal component for them because they just expect the next high Yeah, you use the term sobriety. I'm you know self-control to some degree is about going look I don't want to be on this merry-go-round. So that's the incentive one and number two I'm I'm a woman who wants to co-create Are you a man who wants to co-create because if you do and by the way my clientele is using this hard-balling Technique and it's actually a lot of men are going. Oh my god This makes my job so much easier. You've already laid it out for me I don't have to it's already there if they buy into it. They're like God. You just made it easy for me. Yeah Yeah, the alignment is easier So just to dimensionalize that let's say someone's hearing that and they're like Oh, I like the idea of a co-creative partnership. Yeah, right man or woman or however you identify Yeah, what do you think are some of the elements of of a co-creative partnership? Like how would someone know that they're in one or what what is the possibility of that? So I happen to be a big fan of the work of the Gottmans the Gottman Institute John and Julie Gottman in particular and they wrote a book called eight dates Mm-hmm now what this is is eight separate conversations to have with someone to Determine if you're on the same page starting with trust and commitment being the first chapter and so and the second chapter is about what's calling agreeing to disagree learning conflict resolution skills, yes so there's a blueprint that exists both in their book eight dates and the Seven principles for mayoring making a marriage successful What I mean to say is these are people that thought, you know, this is a guy who was much like Oh, can I rewind for a second and just share something? I'll come back to Gottman in a second. Okay, when I was going through divorce My wife and I had to go to family court Which I was wished we didn't have to but I sat there listening to four other couples going through their Basically laying their dirty laundry Mm-hmm and occurred to me that wait a minute if this is what causes divorce Shouldn't we reverse engineer that so we never get there? Mm-hmm. That's what the Gottmans have done They have predicted where most failures in relationship occur and then Reinvent or connected the dots, you know reverse engineered it to say well, this is what you can do to avoid this happening it requires two people being intentional and You know women tend to be more that way women by relationship books, you know ninefold greater than men most like That's my that's a prediction on my part. That's not a fact. Okay. I've heard it Yeah, I ain't so so if that's the case women and have a container of knowledge that the men don't so then it becomes introducing it to a man and Look at I jokingly say the following, you know ladies You can sit in your feminine energy and hope to be claimed by a guy, but just recognize this most men are rather clueless You are in charge of your relationship destiny and quite frankly You are the container to develop the emotional aspect of the relationship because you're better trained at it than we are mm-hmm So don't be afraid to Establish that standard and boundary for yourself because the right guy is going to go thank God You just made my job easier and men want it men do want it easy It's okay to be the emotional leader of the relationship and yet most of you are afraid so you accept casual You accept crumbs in many cases Hoping that magic fairy dust will change a guy who is not Had does not have commitment on the fourth row of his mind and commitment is really these days You don't want to live together get married. I'm not a puritan But I now recognize why marriage was so valuable Because men can string you along sexually like I said dating has become a strung-out version of friends with benefits Okay, that's my rant. I I don't I'm curious to hear if you agree or disagree with me Well, so on the on the question of You know, why might you be in a in a in a like a co-creative partnership? Yeah, my my imagination is that for a lot of people if they're oriented towards growth Yeah, the relationship is that is the best fastest and sometimes hardest Right like I mean I sometimes talk about the intractable domain, right? There's a lot of us have a domain sometimes multiple domains of life that just seem kind of hard, right? For some people it might be making money or finding home. It might be relationship. It might be health But I know a lot of people who you know their career is you know, yeah There's ups and downs but generally, you know, they're happy with their career or they got good things going on The career is not going to teach them the same thing that actually coming into contact with another human being is Particularly when it comes to some of the stuff you're talking about, you know The inheritance of our childhoods, which we're all going to have in some some way shape or form. Yeah I'm I guess I'm just curious if As many men are looking at it that way as women as like, you know, because I you know I've seen both with clients and just in the marketplace a lot of a lot of profiles women saying look I'm looking for basically an adventure travel buddy I say I don't want kids, but I want an adventure travel buddy And I want someone I can grow with and that variation of someone I can grow with is quite a common way of Women talking about what they're looking for and dating and I'm curious, you know I haven't seen as many male dating profiles I'm curious if men are on that same page that hey if we're not doing the family thing Or it's not the time of life now to do that. Am I looking for someone to grow with am I looking for someone to? Help me be a better human being and make me more conscious Because I have a suspicion that there might be slightly more women in that category Who are like wanting to use relationship to grow and be more conscious Yeah, I would say that while there is a Significant percentage of women who have also gone through a divorce and they're less likely to grow with someone I mean at least really fully commit to another person There's a big percentage of that Let me just share with you and especially in the demographic that I talked to in the 50 60 year old demographic because they might be on a second marriage And that's another factor to consider Yeah, it's both how many how many times a person has been married or how many multiple relationships they've had Yeah, it makes a relationship your desire for commitment begins to become can not does but yes can become You know almost non-existent. Okay with that said though I think genuinely speaking women have a propensity to want commitment more so than men Yes, okay, and to grow with someone Okay It's but here's the thing as they say in my videos most men are good guys. They're just bad daters They haven't had anyone really lead them in the in the grow in how to grow a relationship. So All here's the bottom line. It's this you need a man who's open to your way of thinking or your Methodology, okay, and a lot of women are scared because you know We've been so indoctrinated men are the leaders and women just have to accept a man's direction to some degree Yeah, so when you're saying your methodology, what what do you mean by that is that you take charge of your Relationship destiny particularly by being the emotional leader of the relationship So it might look like hey, I've got this thing called the book eight dates. It's a blueprint to help us Grow as a couple. Are you interested in doing this with me and a man might say oh my god therapy That's the line. I'm against all that blah blah blah. Well, then you know you have a closed-minded person So quickly you want to determine are they open-minded or closed-minded? Yeah, I hear and you know Do you have any advice just on that right? Let's say someone is listening to this and they are in a relationship with a man Right, but they want to do something like that They want to you know go to a seminar get therapy and the guy is is being resistant Do you have any tips to help a woman in that situation other than perhaps? Okay? This might be that it's not actually going to work out, you know, like well, you know We could use some of the terminology I would feel so good if you do this for me and believing that men want to please women You know, but if someone is resistant to it doesn't matter how how much you say it feels good for me to do this If someone's resistant then the question becomes where is their resistance coming from and maybe have a dialogue about where that Resistance coming from and maybe had a childhood wound or a trauma or an adult trauma that has gone unhealed and maybe I mean at some level It's I think it's important to say look if you're not on the same page with me I'm gonna go find somebody who is on the same page with me not be fearful So I'm not saying you draw a line in the sand, but ultimately Look at women on average spend five years with the wrong guy and this happens habitually And I'm picking that number, you know, yeah, you know, I get it. So, you know when I hear it what you're saying is In a sense if there is significant resistance Probabilistically what I hear you say is it's maybe not a good fit for you Maybe you actually you should start looking elsewhere rather than perhaps he is the Here's the way that you enroll a guy like you can explore what his fear is, right? Yeah, and yeah, maybe it is linked to some kind of trauma. Yeah, maybe for some guys unless they've seen the value of therapy They don't see the value of therapy, you know, I mean like they've got to have some kind of Sense that it's either valuable Or is gonna help them or help the help the relationship Well, you can always accept the man the way he is, you know and just accept it and accept the relationship but Be careful if it's a dependent type of relationship is certainly a Particularly when we think of it from a monetary perspective, but a lot of times women accept Me, you know mediocre and I'm characterizing that because it's better to have a mediocre relationship than no relationship at all Better than nothing. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm not I'm not a Advocate for that by any stretch of the means but I'm certainly understand why so many women you will accept Casual because it's better, you know life is better with company The problem becomes at any given moment that personal leave and then do you really look at we also have to fear death, too Sometimes that's the catalyst for a relationship to end. Yeah, and I'm talking about for those of us Yeah, that are you know age graphic? Yeah, but ultimately growth In my opinion is the fun part of the journey, you know By by establishing Yeah, I dated a woman once this is before I met my beloved which my sweetheart and I devote one day a month to absolute You know absolute really a day and a half to really Work on stuff in our relationship. Yeah, I know do it in a very spiritual way and of along with throughout the day Throughout the week we do things but there is a devoted day. Yeah I dated a woman who did something called church instead of physically going to church We listen to a personal development CD for an hour and a half and then we talked about it Well, that was personal development. What about a relationship? you know podcast and talk about what was discussed and having a dialogue with someone and You know to me rich dialogue with a partner Is kind of the reason why I get up in the morning to spend with my beloved because we have these deep rich conversations And we both like each other You've talked about this aspect of Sort of dependency when I think ultimately you're talking about financial dependency. Well, that's one important vector of it Do you have any view about Say a woman who doesn't need a guy to do that But maybe still has some desire that the guy is pretty You know, not necessarily wealthy but kind of financially set responsible showing up in that domain Um, are you counseling people against getting into more mutually commingled financially dependent relationship? um Is there a sense that if that's not happening for some for some women It might never feel quite as a sort of full as a relationship where maybe that is happening Um, what what do you think about that? So? Well, let's just kind of look at the united states for a moment Roughly 80 of the population makes less than the hundred thousand dollars a year That's just you know, and and roughly about 90 of the population have less than You know, they they couldn't be out of work for three months without suffering a substantial um financial, you know potential calamity So, okay, so we know some of these facts to be true the reality is is most people aren't you know We were talking about a podcast earlier where they talk about, you know Athletes and ballers and stuff like that, you know, the richest of the rich and then the Kardashians are good That's not that's not the average person the average person has a job making 50 grand 75 grand a year In my opinion is two incomes is better than one Okay, so while you might seek someone to take care of you financially that means you're gonna have to Be in a position to attract someone if that's the case or you can say two incomes is better than one And let's say you're a woman who made 75 grand a year and you're with a man who made 65 grand a year Well, that's combined as 140 a year If you're in a committed relationship with this person you live together you can combine resources the reality is is um While traditionally men have always had the opportunity to continually create resources We're seeing a shift in that dramatically As people age and so I think it's better to view it two is better than one And not from a and so if you have to come if you're a woman who has to come at it from a dependency stage Then you might have to settle for you might be have to settle in certain areas of your life And it's in a lot of people don't want to settle You know, um You know, they want their case needed to this is women as well as men You know men want to have more physical attractiveness women tend to have one or men with established resources But I could say two is better than one So it sounds like that's if I haven't really put it in this language. It sounds like you're saying Better than dependencies interdependence And really what you're saying too is better than one is kind of like, yeah, we're gonna we're gonna both put into the pot But it's really more of an interdependent than one-way dependent kind of relationship Exactly exactly. Yeah So we're probably coming to the the sort of end of our time here So just to tie us back to where we started right women accept casual when they're looking for commitment, right? So let's say right now someone's listened to this and if they're Tuning into themselves. They're like, yep, that probably does apply to me. Do you have any kind of message of? Support hope like what would you say to a person who's like, yep, that's kind of happening for me right now Sure. I and that's a great question. So I would venture I first and foremost is Certainly work on oneself whether it's healing childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas So you can actually show up to be a full participant in relationship Number two, there are a lot of good men out there There's a lot of good out there. They're just bad at the dating process So rather than judgment is as with an expectation of being good at this just accept that they're bad at it Just like it's accepting that men want sex on the first date. That's just let's just call those givens But not with with no judgment. Okay Your job as a woman or at least my invitation for you is to do a better job of weeding out You know the wrong men sooner rather than later Because that puts like even what I teach my coaching is my job is to put the odds in your favor Because we're dealing with a population that is rather dysfunctional to some degree some more than others We mean the dating pool of men though. Yeah, well dating pool of men and women. Believe me the dysfunctionality I mean, you know, there's there's people with clinical issues There's people that are dysfunctional and there's a there's a range of that dysfunctionality And then there's certainly men who are growers and builders that I talk about Those are that have that capacity and there are plenty of men out there. Sometimes you have to be a little bit more patient At the same time having your standards So I'm all about laying your cards on the table If there's if there's mutual physical attraction then lay your cards on the table sooner rather than Then playing the game of like of not Listen a lot of people say dating should just just have fun. Just have a good time. It's all about having a good time Well, here's the problem You have a good time for too long without Prequalifying that person and then you're attached to someone and then you find yourself You know six weeks later going. Oh, I just got dumped by a guy because I didn't do my job Yeah, it's it's a job and god guess what you may not like the job You may despise the idea of a job or you can say, you know what being strategic can be fun, too Yeah, and and you can not I'm not saying play it as a game, but Yeah, be smart and just be and always come at it from a place of Gratitude and curiosity and just I'm just going to be curious and open and see where it goes And if it doesn't work out, that's okay, too But by doing this you put the odds in your favor. Yeah Yeah, I like that sounds like not being afraid to claim what it is that you're actually looking for Exactly to your point earlier realizing that that probably will repel Most men. Yeah, you said 90% Yeah, I get it and actually learning how to tolerate that rather than tolerate The difficulty of starting to attach to someone who's not really available to be attached to exactly well said jack Yeah, well, look, thanks so much for coming on and sharing your wisdom If you want more of Jonathan, just look beneath this video. You'll be able to head over to his channel. Check it out And for everyone who's been here watching appreciate it Look forward to being with you again on the channel and all the best with your dating. Thanks. Thanks so much