 I'm Sophia. Steve is a nickname. So if that comes up, that's my name. I also use she, her pronouns. Today we will be starting off with coming out stories if who should tell us your story. I will do that. That's a fun topic, isn't it? Coming out something every queer person dreads, even if you got a good family, you still dread it. It's just a part of it. My coming out was less than ideal. We can say it like that. The first time I came out at like different times for each person, officially. So I came out to my mom first, officially. And that was a really bad time because we would drive home. We went against food, we were driving home. And I turned to her. Steve's my mom. I turned to her. And I was like, Mom, I'm bisexual, by the way. And that was exactly her reaction. And she just laughed. And after that, after I turned to her, I just went back to the window. You're the window. I went back and I was like, Nope, we're going to hide now. And I just didn't say anything for the rest of the car ride. She didn't either. It was me coming out, her laughing, nothing. It's just silence. And I just wanted to get out of there. And obviously I couldn't because I can't jump out of a moving car. I mean, it could. It's not recommended. I don't think doctors recommend jumping out of a moving car. I don't think, yeah. Don't do that. So awkward. And then my sister, well, then after I showed my mom I was bisexual, she had told my father. And obviously I didn't want that because I was going to tell, my plan was to tell her, gauge her reaction and then from there build upon what I was going to do. So like, figure out from her reaction, if I should tell my dad, if I should tell my sister, if I should tell my less immediate family, I didn't exactly have that choice because on it, it was kind of my fault. I should have thought about it like, yeah, they're a unit, they're going to talk to each other. They're going to talk about their children. That's what, that's their whole thing. They got children together. They got converse. And then I asked my dad because I had the feeling that my mom had told him. And I asked my dad and he was like, Oh, yeah, your mom told me, but I already knew. How? How did you know? I actually know how he knew, a feeling, maybe, I don't know. And I never formally came out of my sister either. That was more awkward, if possible. So I had a while before I came out to my mom, officially, I wrote down a, on a sheet of paper, the different sexualities and tried them out. So I wrote down like, dad, I'm bisexual, dad, I'm pansexual, that I'm gay. So I didn't really know what I was going to call myself. So I had written that out, and then I put it in my bag because I said my dad that I had to bring it over back to my mom's. So my sister, I forgot about the paper I was doing in the bag. My sister needed to use my bag for something. And she dumped out the bag on her floor, used it, and when she came back, she saw the little paper on the floor, she picked it up, unfolded it, I assume read it, walked into my room and held it up and said, Jules, do you need to talk about something? And I said, no. And then I believed what she said afterwards was, it's okay, I thought I was pansexual too for a while. See, I don't think I kind of know. I didn't say that, afterwards I just kind of pushed her out and told, and just forgot about it, right? I wasn't going to deal with it, I just left it. That was my coming out to my immediate family, and I have more family to come out to. So I went to that, even more exciting and more awkward, because I can always make things more awkward, can I? That coming out store, I had to come out to my grandmother and grandfather. We went to a dinner with them, me, my dad, my sister, my mom, and my grandmother and grandfather. So my grandmother asked me, how's school been, what are you doing? I went into talking about a little bit about the GSA, and I don't remember exactly how it came up, but I think I looked over to my mom because I had asked her a few days prior about coming out to them. I looked over to my mom, she nodded, and I was like, okay, I guess I'm doing this. So I said, I'm tracking the girls and guys. And my grandfather was fairly silent during that, but my grandmother had a few words to say about it. I believe her first reaction was, yeah, I can see an attractive girl walking down the street and thinks she's attractive, any woman can. No, not exactly how I'm feeling. I actually am like attracted to the girl. So I had to explain that, which was weird to explain the different kinds of attraction to your grandmother. And afterwards, I think my grandmother looked at me, she'd be talking to my mom because my mom was trying to explain my sexuality to my grandmother, and she looked over at me, my grandmother, and she said, I don't want you to feel like you're forced into being queer. What? It's like one of the most accepting communities. What do you mean I'm being forced into being queer? I'm being forced into being straight. Just kind of backwards when you think about it. And my mother, I don't remember what lit up in her saying, but she said, Julia is, and I quote, boy crazy. No, not really, no. Even prior, I was not someone who was like romantic in general. Nor should I be because I was like 12, 13, I don't remember. And to say I'm boy crazy when I'm coming out as queer, what? It just baffled me and I was just silent and I was like, okay, thanks for coming out for me, mom. And then we left. So I come from a family of awkward people. I know. Would you prefer to go or would you like me to go? I just want to cover maybe a few like tips to learn from that experience. Yeah, so I think that timing is a very important thing when you're coming out or in any situation where you're telling someone important news. And so it's good to find a time where the person is in sort of the right mood. If you can, to tell them and probably in a place where you have somewhere to sort of escape. Run. So maybe not in a car is probably better if you're in your house or somewhere where you can leave the room and give them time to think or leave and have your own space if it's awkward. So I think those are definitely a couple things to learn from that. Yeah, I also think it would be best honestly to just come out all at once. Yeah, because like how what happened is I ended up being outed so I didn't come out all at once. So if I had just sat everyone down in my immediate family we would have been a lot easier because I wouldn't have to go through separate awkward experiences just one big one. Yeah, it's always going to be awkward. Like no matter what it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable, even if you have kind of an accepting family, they see you one way and then you're like, I'm actually this for anything. It's awkward. Also something like allies should think about a lot that someone should never be forced into coming out and if someone comes out to you you should always ask them who it's okay to tell or if it's okay to tell anyone at all because being outed can be dangerous and certainly awkward and probably puts you in positions you don't want to be in. So definitely if you're an ally or just anyone if someone comes out to you as anything at all just make sure to communicate with them about who they've already told and who you should tell because that's definitely important. I agree. Yeah and I also think for allies or anyone that is having someone come out to them know how hard it is to just say it out loud like how hard it was for me to say I'm bisexual even more bisexual and just like the courage that it takes to build up and then also without having to have that choice taken away from you when it's meant to be your choice who you come out to where when all of that that's meant to be what your decision because your life and who you want to share it with and then to have that kind of rip from you is like a horrible feeling. It's painful. Yeah it's like it's literally like something was ripped out of you what you didn't want it to be. I mean what you guys are saying is like it just really makes a lot of sense. I think it really does kind of really like one of the most important things is where and when you do it. Yeah. It's just the matter of like feeling comfortable when you do it and like feeling like you're ready to do it. It's all it's like it's about how you're feeling about the situations and or whatever it may be that you're nervous or unsure about. Yeah. I'm going to jump back to stories of coming out really quick. That could add one quick thing. Yeah go ahead. I'm sorry. So when I came out I did it very suddenly and abruptly and I didn't think about anybody's feelings but my own which is can be good where it's like you because you have to think of yourself every once in a while but it's also not so good because you have to have a healthy balance for it like you need to do it in a way that's not just so like abrupt and almost aggressive because like because it's it's it's hard for parents again to hear that their that their kid is what something that they thought like you think of your kid as one way turns out they're not and you have the future planned out for your kid so it's you also like especially when you come out to parents you do have to take their feelings into consideration which is something that I didn't do when I came out abruptly I was like this is me this is who I am if you don't like it deal with it and my family didn't deserve that they cared about me they didn't deserve to just have me come out so randomly and abruptly. I think that's a good point but it's also it's it's very good to consider other people's feelings but it's it's very important to remember that coming out is about you and their feelings while they are valid are not something that should interfere with you or your identity or your coming out so don't think too much about what other people think when you're coming out although you do have to make sure you're not putting yourself in a dangerous situation anyway but it's good to remember that it's about you and that they can't they shouldn't be able to have any effect on that yeah you want to go into stories um if you guys are cool with that um I would I'm gonna say I'm I feel lucky that it went the way it did because I know there's a lot of there's many much worse situations and um I actually I've only like told like in my immediate family like face to face like did it come up I've told like one person and then other times they just asked me and um they're like oh it was actually before I was gonna come uh film the first episode of this show that I was in um my grandparents who I live with right now um are they were like so just like a heads up are you gonna come out as anything on this show like are you gonna come out as like um trans or uh bisexual or lesbian and I'm like no and then I walked away awkward smile and then I came back and then I was like hey um more fingertips yeah yep yep bring up my awkwardness again um no I it's my doing um but then I was like oh hey yeah um that's a little gay just wanted to give you a heads up there yeah that's I lied and then the other person I I like to talk about what I'm doing like these shows and GSA and things like that like I love to talk about that stuff like it's my favorite and then I I'm surprised I wasn't asked this sooner like I was somewhat immediate family uh I was with that so person a few weeks ago and um I you were I was talking about youth leadership day and um I was just um we were just talking and they said they were like so don't mind me asking and they just went on and like it was really nice to just feel like because they were okay with it they were just wondering and I felt like it was I kind of hesitated at first but then I was kind of more okay with it towards the end of the conversation and then so that's that's uh immediate family which consists of my grandparents one parental and um another thing um yeah then there's um the other side of my family I mean I'll just say it right now that was I my mom knows my dad does not know he lives across the country um he's cool with it he's a pretty cool cat in terms of those things but he just he talks he does he tells my his mother everything like tells his girlfriend a lot of things not that I'm not cool with her knowing but I don't know how she feels about that stuff and I mean my his mother is also she's cool with it but it's her husband who I'm personally like really nervous for the time that that comes to have to or if I feel comfortable telling them because I know that he will just reject the whole idea like he's not cool with that stuff like I've talked with him I'd just be talking to my like other family members about it and he'll just say these rude and unnecessary remarks about it and like it's just not okay like so I am a little bit nervous to kind of come out to that side of my family because of him I know I shouldn't be scared of one say being but I don't want that to separate me from the rest of my family I didn't mean to ramble on I just wanted to put that out there but anyways it could be a lot worse and I'm okay with the situation I mean yeah things could always be worse but as an invalidate what's happening to others like you or other people like even though you're not in a entirely humble family it still sucks for lack of a better word it absolutely sucks to be afraid of your family members that's I mean that no one should have to go through yet it's really common to be afraid of members of your family and be afraid of what they have to say about you when and what Oliver said people shouldn't affect your ability to be yourself but they still do people still feel like family especially they feel like they have a say in your life when some may like your parents yeah they raise you they have a say in your life but like no one else really does like you get to choose who you surround yourself with and you you get to choose your own life you get to choose your identity and how you feel and all of that well you don't have to choose how to feel yeah it's just with like that side of the family they're like ridiculously conservative and so it's different it's way different than like thinking about it like how it should be but and yes I can surround myself with who I want to it's just like it's when you have these people who you know will not want you for who you are really really kind of sucks because you know that you just can't say anything because it's also not that it would affect my safety but it could affect someone else's safety like if someone was in a similar situation where they just like they didn't feel safe coming out it that's a big thing but like yeah that's not what I'm going through it's just that's a big thing and it's just like total rejection is a fear of probably everyone that I can think of like just anyone in general but especially when you're coming out it's just it's overwhelming it's just anyways oh yeah that one and what you said about danger it might suck again for lack of a better word it sucks to to know that if you come out you're in danger that's when you don't come out no matter like you hate to have to keep it inside of you because you like when you realize it it's a fantastic feeling and you almost want people to know because you can be you can just let it out because you kept it inside of you for so long but if it's going to put you in a place where you are danger and your safety is compromised keep it in it's horrible until you can get away yes but your safety needs to come first and always yeah always like if you are in danger don't come out if you're if you know your family will reject you kick you out do worse things they can do worse things don't say anything just it be that silent kid maybe find someone you can trust and talk to someone that's what i was gonna say like just people that you just surround yourself with the good people that when you can either don't care like what your sexuality maybe they're just looking for you like it's you it's not your sexuality it's not your like it's just your personality that's all you have to like just find those people that something you see a lot actual people are defined by their sexuality yeah like in media too it's like oh this character's gay you happy now lgbtq plus community don't give them any personality let them ever it just like oh they're gay that's a whole personality yeah that's it that's all you got yeah there you go that's it yeah it's like there's more to us you know we have personalities and feelings and all that we're not just gay there's more yeah i think the sexuality and gender is definitely like a great way to express yourself and it's a very important part of your identity but at the same time um it shouldn't affect how you're treated in any way and it shouldn't affect how your family feels about you yeah it shouldn't define you um and you can express it and be proud of it and that's great but at the same time it's not so great to be you know just like the token trans kid walking down the street like oh yeah that's the trans kid or that's the gay kid or whatever it is school too yeah and it's something where um a lot of like straight cis people think of it as like you know we're accepting them or we're like admitting that oh we have you know an LGBTQ person in our school community isn't that great but they don't actually go and talk to the people they don't um fully acknowledge that they're people not just labels and not just you know something you can put in um you know the description of your school website oh yeah we're inclusive of the LGBTQ community you're not inclusive unless you appreciate the people for everything rather than just the fact that they're part of a certain group and that goes for everything I told that's a great point I really think that was yeah so going back to coming out stories all of it if you're comfortable if I totally I'm gonna um we'll be having hopefully um in the near-ish future a trans specific episode of the show where I have some other um trans guests with me so yeah I think uh that would be a great time to go into coming out because it's um it's very different like coming out as trans it's you know similar experience but at the same time it would be difficult to go into that without talking about you know how to be a trans ally and all that so I think that would be a great thing to talk about as trans almost part of coming out as a sexuality well it's something that um I think if you're like if you come out as you know gay your parents can say you know oh you're not really gay and that's you know that sucks that really sucks but at the same time um that I mean it might affect how you express yourself but you can still be gay and be you know like well if you come out as trans and your family rejects you you can't make any changes to yourself or your name or anything like that and so that affects you a lot in terms of like self-confidence and dysphoria and all of that which is also something we'll go into in the next episode but it's definitely a different experience not to say it's necessarily worse or that it can't be completely awful to come out as um like come out with your sexuality but um it's definitely a different thing and I think we've talked a lot about the bad parts of coming out but like what Steve said would learn a pretty good place like we're lucky to be able to be this this way but there also are some really good aspects coming out because it's like it's freeing it's just like you get it off your chest and it's like there's this moment before anything happens and you just set it and it's like pause in like time where you feel amazing because you set it it's out there it's that people hurt it you're out it's out in the world and then people open up their mouths and it gets a lot worse but in that just like split second where you're just nothing has affected you yet it's just this best feeling of pure bliss in my experience could just like here you are we're all do with it what you please that's me and then come to the reaction which suck and it's not good but also um I mean that sort of getting it off your chest is great and um even though their initial reactions might not be what you expected or might not be great um that doesn't mean your chances at being accepted in your family or wherever it is are ruined and a lot of people are just uneducated or um they speak really quickly because they're shocked or they say something they don't mean or they don't they don't understand what you're saying um so a lot of the time it's just really important to make sure you're giving people resources and it's not your job to educate them but they might come to you with questions anyway and it's good to um it's good for allies too to make sure just that you're educated and that you understand and do research if someone comes out to you because um that definitely helps to be more accepting so and yeah what you said about it's not your job to educate them I was at a family dinner so many family dinners in this episode I was at a family dinner and um we got on the topic of uh sexualities and all of that and then people were just coming at me with a thousand questions so much and they just expected me to know everything and I'm like guys I've been a part of the gsa for like a few months I don't know everything and it was just so many questions and they weren't almost they weren't even like posed nicely like if you pose if you say the questions nicely it's not as bad but in my household questions are asked through screaming and very loudly and very loudly and not the best way so it's just this overwhelming feeling and like it's not your like like you said about being labeled I was in that moment I was labeled as the queer kid I was the one who's supposed to know everything I don't know anything I know very little about this community and like if I said something wrong that could change their whole outlook on it and it's just terrifying because but people didn't get that you can find better resources than just a 13 year old kid and it's like it's not our it's not my job as the one queer kid in our family to explain to you everything because I don't know everything yeah sorry I'm not trying to like rush us along we need to cover um some more things just really quickly we can always come back if we have time um so um Oliver if you're cool like just do you want to give us just a little bit about the Trevor project right yes so I have to admit I don't know a whole lot about the project but we'll probably um go into detail about that another time um we're hoping to have like um a suicide specific episode um later but we just wanted to read off a few uh phone numbers for you so that uh if you're questioning your sexuality or um have questions about your gender just anything like that um there's a number you can text with questions and um just any problem you might be having this is not like an emergency number the one I'm reading so uh if you're having an emergency this isn't the one to text but uh the text line is seven two four eight eight eight seven two seven seven yes and if for immediate help I'm pretty sure this is the line you can call it's eight six six four eight eight seven three eight six and I think we'll have that number that is the suicide one no that that or that's not the national hotline the national hotline is one eight hundred two seven three eight two five five and suicide can't be an option I'm just we just can't have that it's so be so common it's so common it's just this number is like life saving so even if you're just hearing about someone who's having issues or contemplating call it's there for a reason so not going to get into a huge discussion but just that that's important yeah it like it doesn't also have to be if you're contemplating suicide it can be if someone you know is contemplating suicide that's yeah that's what you were talking about yeah and also just a small thank you about that if you are feeling depressed or like you don't want to live anymore I've dealt with something like that where I just felt like oh I'm just being dramatic I'll get over it I'm just being a teenager don't feel like you're being dramatic just text the number they don't there's no judgment there because they it's for you it's for you to get help yeah on like even if you don't think you need it but like I thought just crosses your mind you can still just like shoot some of the text to be like it doesn't have to be like a situation where you're I'm gonna do it now yeah just like I'm yeah you don't have to be you don't have to be in a situation like where you don't call until you're very sure you're going to commit suicide it's something that if it's if you're thinking about it or if it's something like your friend is thinking about or just whatever it is it doesn't have to be like you don't you shouldn't wait to call so if you're thinking about calling or texting just do it rather than waiting yeah and um it's like don't always wait until the last moment like they were saying because sometimes like it takes a little bit of time to get relief or help or something like if you're feeling not immediate if you're yeah if you're worried about your safety like call after you like are really having some like and you just don't feel like you want to go to anyone it's just I mean do what you need to do not that's suicide don't do that yeah no don't do that no that idea absolutely not um but go to someone if you can before you call because that's for absolute emergencies but if you're just feeling down or just feeling like you could maybe talk to someone first and if you just need instant relief that's what the numbers for and I think we can get more to that's about the specific episode yeah I'm just gonna ask them really quick nowadays suicide has become so common that it's glorified and you will see kids online just be like oh my god I'm gonna kill myself and you can't tell if they're being serious or not it could be a joke because I hear kids in class being like oh I want to kill myself and I'm like should I be worried and then it's like no and I'm like why did you say it it's not a funny topic and like you'll see shows like nothing to bring an example 13 reasons why they glorified suicide and that they showed graphic the script like things of suicide and they almost like literally gave you a step by step on how to commit suicide not I mean it's because it's a good show but society comes so glorified now it's just not kids see it as something like oh yeah you can do that just it's basically just giving tips like no absolutely not and you'll find the weirdest things about suicide are blind and like the darkest things and it when you see that stuff and you're thinking about committing suicide that doesn't help yeah it's play that I play or anything about it you just don't want to just it should I uh I'm sorry I can't afford words right now okay I mean if I think we should save that because I think that's a great topic for an episode so I think the plan is for in two months it'll probably be keeping coming at you but I think what we should kind of try and fix a little bit about now um is kind of like kind of makes kind of topic but like reactions to coming out and the it's just a phase issue that's a fun sentence yep um I'm sorry I'm gonna rub you for a minute I feel like everyone any queer person has once in their life heard subversion of that it may not be directly it's just a phase but it's there yeah and um it's I think what we should kind of talk about is like a if it if you like your thoughts on it and then like other things like if you have like stories or anything like of either like seeing it or but whatever you guys want to do I just think that might be let's start with thoughts on it so yep Oliver yeah thoughts on it's just a phase so I personally hate that and I hate when people say that and I think um it's just irrelevant honestly um I think it doesn't matter whether it's a phase or not because if it is parents and friends should be supporting people through their phrases as long as it's not harmful to that person or other people it's not it doesn't matter if it's a phase or not so um I think that if that most of the time kids who are trans or who are queer when they come out they mean it and it's coming out is a big thing as we talked about before so um you definitely wouldn't come out unless you're almost completely sure so I think um it's that's not really that's not the most sensitive good thing to say when someone comes out to you at all um and that phases if it is um lead to sort of realization and it's good to have um sort of periods where you're exploring yourself or your identity or different terms or pronouns or whatever it is and that um there are different stages along the way to realizing what labels or what terms or what fits with you best and then like I talked about before how much courage it takes to be coming out and then to be hit with it's just a phase you'll get over it yeah yeah you'll get over it is almost like still crushing because like it's rude what do you mean it's just a phase it's so rude it's it's literally not also like it like you may go through like a little like with bubble I'll say of just being like like exploring things but experimenting it if someone tells you like what their gender is or like if they're telling you something brand new information like when just yeah someone comes out to you someone says the pronouns they want someone says the sexuality they want you respect that crap it doesn't matter if it's a phase you respect what they said about their self and their identity because you nobody knows your own identity better than you so who are you to tell me just a phase yeah like maybe it is who knows maybe it is and that's fine it's okay if it just to be a phase but doesn't matter if it's a phase if I come out to you respect it and respect me yeah I think um people also ask kids to be sure and ask kids to pick labels okay and sure um or just people in general regardless of age and I've been asked several times you know do you think this is permanent which is something that I think is kind of a stupid question to ask honestly because um I I don't think I have to admit that I don't know if you know what's permanent and what's not I thought I was female for you know like more than a decade and that wasn't permanent even though I thought it was but everyone else accepted that as permanent exactly so if so I don't think it's good to assume that something's permanent but it's not good to assume that it's a phase either I think you should just be open to anything and people changing their mind yeah and I think if if I'm sure then you should be sure and that goes for everything and um and if I'm not sure then respect that and just support support people whether they're sure or not you were talking about like is it permanent or are you sure I wasn't sure when I came out as bisexual I was wrong I use different terminology now no I wasn't sure no I might not ever be sure that doesn't that's that does not matter if I say I come out to you was I come out to you as bisexual one day the next day I say no actually I think I'm panicked the next day no I'm just queer it doesn't matter if it's flip flopping all over the place that happens it's just how you feel comfortable yeah and like you can change the terminology you use yeah because like you might one day find something that fits you better than what were you previously using and some people take that like when I figured out that I was queer I didn't want to say it because I think I was lying and I'm doing self-retention but it shouldn't be that way you should be able to change terminology yeah they shouldn't be such a big deal when someone uh isn't sure and um if someone comes out to you and then you know however much time later comes out to you something different don't use that as an excuse to say something like see you know it is just a phase or you are just um you're never sure of anything stuff like that it just that's not a fair thing to say and it puts us in a position uh when you're asking if something's permanent that is kind of vulnerable if someone asks me is this permanent or are you sure and I say no they're not going to respect my pronouns or my identity and if I say that I am sure and then later I tell them I'm not or that I'm using a different term they're going to be confused so I think it's just good to accept that things come in stages and it doesn't matter yeah and one thing that I you could find almost funny in a sense is that what I was straight people was people accepted that immediately they were like oh yeah she's straight she's sure she's positive she's straight it's just social norms yeah it's like heteronormative yeah bugs because straight and straight insist are the default when in reality personally I think everyone or when they're born pansexual then you come out as the specific genders you like so that straight isn't the norm anymore anything is the norm just where is the norm and then you could from there you could say mom and only attracted to females mom and only attracted to males and just that way it wouldn't be such like everyone would have to go thick coming out that would be good because then everyone would get an understanding of it yeah it's just like the expectation when you're born it should be like yeah okay you figure it out for yourself like we're not going to talk to you about it not going to influence your decisions force anything down your figure it out like deal with it just go over there deal with it you're two you can you can do it you're two you can know what a fracture is just go play with the other little kids and figure yourself go eat the dirt it's okay it builds your it builds your it builds your but I think I don't think I somewhat agree with what I definitely agree that straight shouldn't be the norm straight insist shouldn't be the norm but that's just it just how it is like I know what I said it's never gonna happen yeah um yeah I think it's kind of idealistic of course yeah I'm not uh you know when you said like the norm should be pansexual and then you come out yeah I think I think they're um they're just it shouldn't be coming out shouldn't be a thing you shouldn't have to come out you should just be able to live your life without people assuming either way or asking you because it's private information and it's asking a lot for people to share that um and I think that it shouldn't be a big deal I think my kids should be able to just come up to me and say hey I'm using these pronouns now without it being a huge deal and I'll just say okay I think it should be able to talk to their parents and just tell them whatever they're feeling yeah without it being coming out I think the biggest thing is just just tip your parenting right here from a child here's how you parent um oh god what was it was like make it easy for your kids to talk to you just listen just yeah just don't have to say anything just set up let them talk just and like because like I think a lot of kids find it really hard to talk about their parents without anything like the sex talk people find it harder to talk about that that shouldn't be a hard thing to talk about coming out shouldn't be a hard thing to talk about they should be a hard thing to talk about especially with your parents someone who is so close to you you should be able to tell them everything give anything hopefully should be able to discuss anything with your parents because they have the closest blood relationship with to you that anyone will have yeah that's definitely a good tip I feel strange giving tips to parents because I'm 13 well like 13 year olds like years like a parent but at the same time it's also just about being an ally and um I think it's okay I don't I don't want to run parents lives but I do think it's okay for kids to be telling their parents how to have a better relationship because it should be something where you give each other feedback and say hey I think we need to talk about this more and it's great to be open but um also kids should have a right to their privacy like Steve we were saying um people asked you whether you were queer which is probably not the best approach they were just like straight out with it they were just like kind of hinting at it but like so are you yeah I think yeah yeah I feel like I also feel like with my coming out experience how I used to relate it back to you guys I might have made it dramatic because like I ain't no from my parents perspective they might be like oh yeah as you came out I've been to me it's like so crushing and I'm probably being entirely dramatic right now but that's how it feels in the moment it feels like feels like a big thing when they do it's like you almost just want it like you're like confident going into it then you're just like deflated oh it's like a balloon fizzling out yeah it's just not it's like roller coaster of emotions this is what a roller coaster looks yep yep it's totally what it looks that looks like an octopus okay okay that works too an octopus of emotions there you go so many levels so what a kid okay and we're moving I mean we can talk about octopies I mean that I'm down honestly okay octopies is that a thing I mean probably okay okay okay we're getting off dropping we've digressed a lot so we talked slightly about tips from allies yeah I think I know I'm just saying like I think maybe we should cover just a few of our like personal tips for allies just in the topic of like coming out because there's a lot of things that allies should know from us and maybe we'll just cover part of it and then I think to end the episode we can just go with our takeaways on what we have like our main statements take away so personal tips for you I would say just make sure that you have or that you try to have as positive a reaction as possible and make sure to praise the person and tell them like how much courage it does take for them to come out even if you're not sure exactly what that means or you need to ask them later hey what does that actually mean to be pansexual you know it's still um it's still yep it's still something or go it's a question I yeah I think it's are you trying to go that's what I got yeah when I was having a pansexual they were like seeing uh trying to do goats anyway anyway like animals yeah you still need to be like supportive and um just friendly kind to the person whether or not uh you have a different thing to say later because initial reactions are very important and um it gives people a lot of confidence if you react positively and it's okay to ask questions later but that's one big tip um I think also just don't bring up the it's just a phase topic in any way just don't say anything but even like just be cautious of it because as we discuss like it doesn't matter and that's just an irrelevant point that you don't need to make so um yeah just be kind and supportive and don't bring up it's just a phase thing yeah read so tips for me I guess is at least in my personal experience you can ask questions as long as you ask them in a respectful and kind manner like don't over like don't drown them in questions about sexuality because you don't know I don't I didn't know how to answer it like especially with sexuality or gender you don't know you don't know anything of it like teenager dumb is the part where you just don't know anything you don't ask questions just don't just well you can't ask questions just be just be kind about it and know that they might not have an answer yet your turn be patient okay that's a good one yeah patience is key in these situations something I don't have uh I mean sometimes questionable um no you just sorry um I I think like just just if you have any things that you think like may come off badly or like affect the person in some way just save questions until a separate time when things aren't heated and frazzled and when you're hyped about a general yeah like yeah like just wait to ask those questions like they may or may not have an answer just be ready for whatever may come at you just like be aware of like the like like you guys have said like how hard it is and how like difficult it is to like work yourself up to that stuff and like just be cautious of like how it could bring someone down even if you ask like a question that's not intended to be bad just just think about timing again here comes timing but like it's important to end off the episode why don't we do final statements and take away and start back the line all of us okay um um I think probably one of my biggest takeaways is um just to be like aware of other people's feelings as an ally um and that when you're coming out yeah yeah when you're coming out it's good to be aware of other people's feelings but mainly just as an ally be aware when it's like to come out um even if you don't fully understand so react well be positive and supportive and um don't like belittle people by telling them um it's just a phase or you're too young or anything like that so I think that's my takeaway my takeaway was just something that actually I said um respect people doesn't matter who they are doesn't matter what's going on respect them like their opinions and not affect you hopefully um just be cautious and plan out your stuff what you're gonna say when you're gonna do it it's all about the plans and yeah is that anything else no there's one announcement about there's um I don't know if this whole this episode will come out in time for this to be effective but there is a youth march on saturday the 24th um from 12 to 2 p.m at the state house so lgbtq plus ally whoever you are just show up and give some support thank you so much for watching this has been all things lgbtq plus youth edition and we'll see you next month