 Lux presents Hollywood radio theater brings you Bob Hope and Virginia Bruce in my favorite blonde Ladies and gentlemen your producer mr. Cecil B. DeMille Greetings from Hollywood ladies and gentlemen When we set out to engage Bob Hope for tonight's play we expected to have a little trouble We always have the same kind of trouble. We just can't find it Rumor added he was playing golf with Bing Crosby for the benefit of the Red Cross Another report said he was putting on a big benefit show in San Francisco and still further news said he'd gone to Alaska We finally tracked him to an army camp near Seattle He just flown in from the Aleutian Islands To do his radio show and the next day he winged north to the Aleutians again to entertain more servicemen But we pinned him down for this week and unless he's escaped to Australia within the last minute or two He's waiting behind the Lux radio theater curtain now with Virginia Bruce ready to star in his paramount picture success my favorite blonde Our play takes Bob and the beautiful miss Bruce on a wild adventure But a gang of spies who are desperately trying to capture a military secret that our brilliant hero doesn't even know he possesses There's another secret which everybody should possess these days And that's how to make all the things we own last longer Not exactly a military secret, but it helps a great deal when a hundred and thirty million people stop all needless waste A good many of you have made Lux Flake the partner in that job a kind of household chief of staff In the campaign to make the family wardrobe set new records for long life So if it's something washable that you're trying to protect Lux Flake's is your first line of defense And that's one kind of strategy that every household general should know Now stand by for my favorite blonde as the curtain rises for act one Starring Bob Hope as Larry Haynes and Virginia Bruce as Karen Bentley There is a prologue to our story on board a ship just docking in New York Harbor a man has been shot He comes weeding along the deck supporting himself on the handrail reaching a stateroom door. He stumbles and fall Karen Karen Captain Elvin quick. What happened? Are you here? They're on to us. They know who we are. Did they get the scorpion? No, it's pinned under my coat lapel take it and go I can't leave you here must you'll have to carry on alone. Do you know the instructions? I'm the proceed first to Chicago 1315 offshore drive an apartment rented the name of mr. And mrs. Marco I will be miss more. Yes, but if you are caught get rid of the scorpion no matter what you have to do get rid of it And remember they're watching you every minute. They are watching you In an apartment somewhere in New York a foreign-looking woman read the note We have failed British agents known as Karen Bentley now has scorpion dual pin containing flight plans Carl, yes, madam Koenig. We must obtain this scorpion. Yes, madam Koenig find the girl follow her stop at nothing Do you understand? I understand file Hitler in another part of New York in the princess vorderville theater The second act is just coming to a finish. This is Haynes and Percy Percy the important part of the act is a penguin and Haynes is well Haynes is a man with a long nose Uh, Percy has just completed a difficult trick. Thank you. Thank you Oh, that was swell Percy and good acting should be rewarded with a fish there That was delicious. Now. I'll see if I can find one for you Our ladies and gentlemen, I will now perform a trick which has never before been performed by man or beast Starting from the top of this 30 foot platform I will slide down a roller skate leap into the air and turn a back somersault landing directly on my feet professor If you please Remember folks this trick has never been successfully performed by man or beast. Well, I kept that record clean didn't I? Are you okay mr. Haynes? Sure? I'm fine. What's a broken back in vaudeville? Hey Percy sure wilder than tonight mr. Haynes. Oh, he's got relatives out front Quiet listen you characters you keep hogging this act you and me are going to have a talk with a taxidermist Here's a fish now get in your box say mr. Haynes. I heard about pressure going to hollywood to make a picture Congratulations. Oh, thanks mike. You're going to be in the picture too. Am I good? Are you kidding the whole picture's built around me? I'm in and out all the time in and out all the time Hollywood gee that's big stuff. Yeah, I didn't want to go at first, but they kept dangling those platinum swimming pools in front of me Come on first. Let's get dressed. So am I so long mr. Haynes. Good luck. Thanks Am I going to be in that picture? How do you like that character? Oh Oh, excuse me. It's all right Come in quickly say isn't this my dressing room. I'm sorry. Oh, sure it is. That's my name up there See Haynes and Percy. Are you mr. Percy? That's right. No, I mean that's wrong. I'm Haynes. This is Percy in the box Oh, tell me is anyone ever told you that you're beautiful. Mr. Haynes, would you please close the door close it close it Now lock it please lock it lock it Now sit down sit down sit down. Well, thank you. Hey, wait a minute. What's this all about? Who are you? Don't talk so loud. Oh, I was shouting wasn't I? No time to lose to lose what what are you doing here? Somebody was following me. I came in the stage door to throw him off the trail Mr. Haynes, you know what it feels like to be to be followed and hounded and watched every second of your life Well, I used to now I pay cash for everything Look at me I'm looking What hair what eyes what lips got to trust me. Yeah, but who's gonna trust me? And you mustn't ask any questions. My name's Karen. I can't tell you anymore. My name's larry. Haynes is no more to tell Oh, I uh read your telegram. I'm sorry. Oh, what telegram? It was lying right on the shelf there Oh, you mean about Percy and me going to Hollywood. Yeah, we whipped up a little picture deal It says have signed Percy for picture igloo love 500 a week Contact calls for bird to be in Hollywood next Tuesday Had difficulty finding spots for you, but may be able to get you 30 a week as Percy's trainer Oh, no, that isn't right. You see first just place a bit in the picture and the whole thing's built around me I'm in and out all the time weaving in and out all Uh, when are you leaving for Los Angeles? Huh? Los Angeles when is your train leaving? Tell me is that your own hair? Do you scalp an angel? Please? I must know when are you leaving? Are those your own eyes both of them? I've been very serious trouble. Tell me what train you're taking. Well, I can take any train. I got enough steam up now to act as an engine Well, that's good because I'm I'm going partway with you. Yeah, well, I'll be yeah, I've got to get to Chicago Oh, that's fine. We'll go by way of the Panama Canal When we reach the canal we lock ourselves in. Well, what's your name? Please, Mr. Haynes, you're not listening Oh, yes, I am. I said every word you heard Let's get out of here and remember if anyone asks you I'm a business queen if anyone asks this is some business Come on. I've got a cab waiting right over this way. Wait a minute. We're still there Who is? Listen, have you been drinking pixie juice or something? Come on. We're missed the train. All right. Let's go. Um Say jack remember that sit we can wake up when we were slipping near Huh, what are you talking about boy? Do we panic? I'm sitting we wow woman that hotel Floppy louis was it calling was it calling? Oh, yeah flipping nip of floppy louis with sisters I know because I'm their mother Jack you killed me Your tonsils went that way right there Hey, wait a minute. Listen, what is this getting the cab quickly now? Wait a minute. What's all this D's doze and dem stuff and who's flipping nip and floppy louis? I'm getting confused. No questions Please I'm being followed by two men in black. You're sure you don't mean two men in white Get in the cab. Okay Get on the train. But look you didn't don't stop to ask questions. No questions. No questions I gotta ask questions. You didn't even stop to buy a ticket traveling all over without tickets Who do you think you are? Wendell wilkie I'll get it on the train. You know, there's something screwy here now Now don't worry, mr. Percy Haynes look sister. I've been around a lot, but you're driving me daffy I thought we were gonna have a beautiful romance. I thought for a change the dame was trying to pick me up But now I don't know. Look, you don't want to take this train. Why don't you fly the airport? They're all being watched there, but you don't need a plane a girl with your talent. Just that's a flapper arms Mr. Haynes, where's your noblesse oblige? Oh, I gave it to the red cap You can't pass me off with the joke. I'm going with you. But look you've got to get it There they are there who is don't look. Goodbye. Goodbye. You're going with me. So goodbye Oh, that's sensible kiss me put your arms around me. Goodbye. Goodbye Hello to take your pills and that green stuff lots of that. It's good for you. Okay, but don't you drink anymore? You've got quite a snoot full now Face I hate to see you going give my love to aunt Lucy. Yeah, and how about I'll go flip nip What am I saying goodbye and don't you worry about winky and pinky? I'll see they don't ride their bicycles in traffic. Well, how can they ride bicycles in straight jackets? Hey, whatever happened to stinky Conductor, what time do we arrive in Chicago tomorrow nine o'clock miss? Thank you Miss Bentley I've been looking for you on the train. I had to fly here. They were following me. Do you have any orders for me? Yes, Michael word. He wants you to give me the scorpion here now. I can't give you the scorpion. I haven't got it. What? Don't worry. I'll give it back. What is it? I had to get rid of it in Grand Central Station I think it on a man's coat under his lapel. What man of Vogueville actor Larry Haynes. Does he know he has it on his coat? No, how are you going to get it again? Leave that to me All I have to do is to get him to kiss me. I'll unpin the scorpion but he has his arms around me You seem pretty sure he'll be willing to kiss you. You don't know whether he will or not. Oh, you don't know Larry Haynes I'll have the scorpion before we leave all There's a nice headline hollywood inks Percy nexus Haynes Wait'll they ask me for an ad Hello again. Oh, no, no, it isn't so go away. Will you stop haunting me? Aren't you glad to see me? Oh, it can't be you. I must be seeing things. That's what I get for drinking those two coca-cola straight Larry don't be silly. It's me. I flew here. Well, look winky and pinky before I open the window and let you fly out again What do you want? There? Here? We are just me and you Is this a nice way to treat me? Look, will you go away? I know all about girls like you How do you know my mommy done told me now go away Larry sit down beside me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Come on. Come on closer. Now listen. I don't think I know much closer. Closer Larry closer At a time like this. I have to run out of blood Put your arms around me. No, no, I I don't think I should do that. I really don't. Is that me talking? You're cute Kiss me. Oh, no, please. I can never face my friends again. There's nothing to be afraid of Kiss me Larry. Oh, no, no, I can't I mustn't I don't even know you and besides I've given up kissing strange women What made you stop strange women? Look, I Just don't want to play. Oh Larry, you know, there's something about you Yeah, well, I always use a little after shaving it makes me smell nice Larry Larry, this is our night. Nobody can take away It's ours ours. Kiss me. Kiss me Larry. Oh, please. You mustn't my scout master will hate me for this Kiss me Oh Oh Did you like them? Well, I'll tell you as soon as the water on my knee stops boiling Kiss me again Karen. No, I think that's quite enough. Oh honey. Look, you know, you and me could make music together Right now. I feel like the hip parade Come on. Kiss me. Take your hands off me. Ouch Say, what are you operating on alternating current? Good night, Mr. Hayes All right, Carlton. I've got the scorpion here. Take it. No, listen. They're on the plate You'll have to get rid of it again get rid of the scorpion. Yes, put it back on Haynes coat Can you do it? Well, I'll have to kiss him again. I suppose I guess I can do it Good Leave it on his coat all night and you keep out of sight a little more. All right That's happy you are. I wanted everything to be so beautiful Yeah, we'll go and want it someplace else go on flap your arms get going scoot make like a jeep go go go Now did I hit my little man? Yeah, a little man is irked and if little woman isn't careful She's going to get a little hit in the head Very Kiss me. No, I don't think you can't do it. No Boy whoever thought I'd be doing this kind of defense work Now wasn't that nice? Oh How about you tickle me? Did I yeah under my lapel here? It's oh, I'm sorry. It's all right, but you better go now. Goodbye Very dear There's something I've got to tell you. Hmm. It's a matter of life and death. Well, I'm sorry sister I don't know where to buy tires either You've got to help me You've got to help me all I could get on the train with an upper berth and I don't dare to sleep there I ought to be behind the locked door. Yeah, a little padding in the walls wouldn't hurt either Now, obviously we can't both stay here. So would you would I what would you change places with me? Please larry. Oh, I can't do it besides Percy needs a room. He walks in asleep and he doesn't wear pajamas Very dear the lives of countless thousands depend upon you helping me. No, please Please here's my ticket up a six in the next car. Oh now wait, wait Let me get this you mean to tell me the whole world's gonna come unglued unless Percy and me sleep in upper six And you take compartment a unless you help me now It may change the whole map of the world. Do you understand? No, no, I keep calm sister. Don't get hysterical now I don't want any trouble. I'm going you stay here and look do me a favor Will you when you're changing the map of the world, you know texas the panhandle state Yes, well lift up the panhandle a little. I want to see what's cooking. Will you I'll remember Yeah, yeah, but don't do anything about it till tomorrow. Huh? Good night. Good night. Flippy Ah the windy city Look what it's blowing my way get lost. Will you wait, please? Oh, I was so frightened. I thought I'd lost you I ran through the whole train. I look Very why are you wearing that coat? Where's your other coat the one you were wearing last night? Where is it? Well, I changed it. I also changed my socks Why why because one of them had no feet in them. It was such a wonderful looking coat. I I wanted you to wear it I I wanted to be proud of you Yeah between the hot water bottle and my extra lump of sugar. So what boy a taxi a thin taxi for over there Mary you have three hours between trains Oh, wouldn't you like to go past my apartment house and stop me off drop you off? I sure would how many stories is it? What do you want my blood you pushed me up on that shelf? I didn't sleep all night Look at the bags under my eyes the porter put them off the train three times by mistake See you later sister. All right. Well, then This is good. Good. Good. May I take this chance? Okay. Okay. Goodbye. So long. Thank you Porter could be bad. Yes Well, it was wonderful while it lasted. Yes, I'll never forget you. Please try will you? Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hey Porter get me a cab Hey, yeah, just grab that bag. Hey my bag my bag was my bag. Well, I put it in the cab with the ladies, sir And she's got it. She's got my bag. Taxi follow that cab. Okay. Wait for me wait for me Glenn I'm the parking just a moment. Hey, excuse me. I'm in a hurry. Yes, sir Tell me something. Where's that blonde bag that just got in? I mean that blonde with a bag. Where is she? Oh 318 you mean this is marco marco parko charco all I know is I'm a charcoal for getting mixed up with her Thanks. Is he expecting you? No, it's going to be a big surprise. 318 So that's your racket, huh bag snatcher. Give me that bag. No, let's go with that bag. Let's go. Yeah, let's go I'm gonna call the police. That's what I'm gonna do. I'll stop when you stop now. Put down that bag or I'll shoot you dead You talk me into it Now listen be careful with that gun get away from me or sir help me. I'll let you have it Hey now, wait a minute. That's a gun. That's why I'll go off and shoot somebody and I'm the only one here Put that bag over there and open it. All right. Very well. We got behind you Oh now give me that gun sister some trick can I learn that from Dick Tracy? Drop that gun drop that gun to you here drop it Oh, I didn't tell you to drop it on my foot Let me alone. I'll get over there and sit down there. Now we're cooking with charcoal What do you think this is sister gangbusters? What are you going to do? You're going to the clink. That's what I'm gonna do. Wait, you're making a very serious mistake I didn't want to tell you this but now I have to I'm a British agent. Well, you're too late. I already got an agent Give me a minute and I'll prove it to you Okay, sister, but don't try anything funny. Look you see this jewel came I pinned it on your coat on the train. I had to a bug Why'd you pin a bug on my coat? You know what's in this bug little bugs A microscopic engraved cipher code for the flight of 150 bombers from los angeles to england Is that so do you see this ring? Do you know what's inside benny goodman and his band player was a little crowded Oh, Larry, this is serious. The secret service of the enemy have discovered the original flight plan Therefore the ones containing this scorpion must be in los angeles by noon on Tuesday British agent, what do you take me for a round haircut? I know you madame wacky from tahacky Larry, this is no joke. This scorpion must be delivered to an agent somewhere in this apartment Oh, sure sure, but you'll be all right. Don't worry. You've just got a little static in the attic You'll get over it. Tell you I'm being followed everywhere. I'm the boat on the train. What's everywhere death on every corner Let go of me. Will you? Bombers, agents, things follow us. What's going on here? I got to get out of Oh Now you got me seeing things. You know what I just thought I saw on there a guy with a knife in his back I'll take another look There is a guy in there and he does have a knife in his back. Let me see quick. Don't go in there Oh look, he's dead. Dead? Like like a doornail? Yes Now now do you believe me? Seeing is believing in what I just saw. I don't like I tell you they'll stop at nothing in the past 24 hours They kill two men and if we don't look up they'll get us next us. You mean you you can't mean me I've got a long lifeline. Look Well, it was here a minute ago They've seen you with me and that's enough. They'll split your throat on site. You mean peel my apple Say don't get me mixed up in this thing. I got to get to california. I got to see a man about a penguin I'll see you later. Don't open that door. I'm going. I'm not getting mixed up in any murders, especially mine But you can't get out of here. They have a man out there watching you never get past that door. Oh, no Listen, baby, if I'm not out of that door in two seconds flat, my name's not larry hains Meet john doe That's two of my favorite blond starring bob hope and virginia bruce follows in just a moment Now how good are you at arithmetic? Here's a problem for you Take eight plates add four cups and saucers eight knives eight forks and four spoons Four glasses a pot in the pan you i'm dizzy already and then add a dishpan full of strong wash day soap Suds hurts me just to think about it multiply the whole thing by three meals a day seven days a week And what have you got chances are you've got dishpan hands and that's something no woman wants or needs to have If you'll make your one simple change in that daily job of dish washing if she'll stop using strong suds And change to gentle luck flakes that ugly dishpan look will disappear In actual tests hands grew lovelier in from two to seven days after changing to luck The women who made these tests used no creams or lotions on their hands They just changed to luck and you can change to luck for less than a penny a day For less than a penny a day you can watch your hands lose that rough dishpan look Grow soft and smooth again till they're as lovely as ever You see lux is famous for mildness and yet along with that wonderful mildness Lux gives you the other things you want in a dish washing soap Quick suds plenty of suds long lasting suds that do a thorough cleansing job Get the thrift a big box of lux first thing tomorrow and use it for your dishes every day Now our producer mr. de mill act two of my favorite plans Darring bob hope is larry hains and virginia bruce has Karen bentley Five seconds have passed since the bullet whizzed past larry's head Just long enough for him to get a grip on his knees and stop them from shaking His complexion has changed from ashy white to ashy gray He objects strenuously to this kind of treatment They can't do that to me. They can't shoot at me. I'm an american citizen. I pay taxes Well, I'm an american citizen. What are we gonna do? Well, all I know is that marco was supposed to deliver the plan now. He's dead. Where do I take him? Well, that's not my racket sister. One thing. I'm sure of we're gonna get out of here. I'm gonna call the police Well, no, please don't do that. Please. Why not? I need protection around here. Very look Huh, where? Two jacks and three 111 two jacks and three aces. No wonder he was stabbed using a p-knuckle deck 111 j j That's my identification number marco must have been trying to communicate with me before they killed him, but how? Here look to these all right I can't hold them that guy in there with a knife in his back dead as a herring Here look there's something written on the truth Listen colonel ashmont 1120 bernadino street los angeles. Well, what do you know? That's it. We've got to get out of here. I must get to los angeles. Well, look you've got all the dope You know the guy why don't you just phone the stuff into him? I told you it's a secret cipher hieroglyphics You can't telephone hieroglyphics. It's like well, it's like calibrating a crossword puzzle Larry if I haven't said think of something to get us out of here if we don't get out I tell you we're as good as dead. Oh now calm down. Don't be afraid of anything. Look at me. I'm not scared I know you're not scared Larry, but please open your eyes But wait, I'll call the cops. Hello Hello operator. I want a policeman Hello operator. Larry kill you. Look the wire's been cut. The wire's never mind operator You see those two men across the street they're waiting for us. They're killers killers Eight million people in new york and she's got a pin of bug on me We got to catch a breeze. We got to get out of here. But how? Wait, wait. I got an idea here. Start throwing things. Go ahead. Back to joint. What are you doing? It's the only way to get out of here alive. Larry stop it. Are you kidding me? You almost hit me I'm just kidding. Don't you get the idea wife beating we got a police escort out of here Oh Larry that's wonderful. Come on. Let's break it up. Do something. Make some noise. Oh, hold on. Now scream, scream. Help, help, help. Some more. Come on, loud. Help. 3-5-0 North Lakeshore Drive. Apartment house. Man beating woman. Woman beating man. All right. Playing with a tiger. Do you know that? Is that so? Louder. Is that so? That's it. Your mother started this whole thing. Oh no she did not. Oh yes she did. Wait, I'll turn the radio on and get some loud music. Clean it up full. I'll pull the pictures off the wall How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is Bob Hope, the pastor of the kids. Still hanging out by your teeth and I'm here to tell you that I can't stand that guy. Break it up. Break it up. Hey. So I'm a muck-finch and a spit-dribble am I? You're asking me all the time. Not why you. You can't call me a squidge pot. You've got enough. Come on, come on. Grab him, Joe. She's out of the whole thing. I didn't know. How am I supposed to remember her birthday? This way out. Her last cake had so many candles on it that it took three air raid wardens to put it out. Pardon me a second, will you? And that goes for your old lady too. Alice and your old boss. She's a squidge pot. That's all she is. Just a squidge pot. Hey officer, where you taking her? We're going to slam you two in the cooler. The guy shouldn't go around slugging his wife. Am I right, Joe? Yeah. I meant to respect womankind, especially females. Karen, we're going to the judge. No we're not. I've got an idea. Say up to me. Daddy, mommy is sorry you hit a little lambie toy. Daddy, sorry he hit a little boopsy-woopsy with a little lambie. Oh yeah, daddy, I thought he hit a little boopsy with a little wimpy-wimpy on a stove. And daddy's going to kiss boopsy with a little bubby-wumpy. Bumpy-wumpy, forgive the law, daddy-wumpy. Kiss him, little finger, with daddy's naughty, naughty, that's all. All right, okay, you two, beat it. Yeah, get out, get out, 40 years. Oh, thanks. Oh, Karen, just a little boopsy. Want to kiss, pretty policeman? Go on, go on, beat it. Bye, please, buddy. I couldn't take any more of that, Joe. Me too. I was ready to throw up. Calling car number 48. Car number 48. You have a young couple in your car. Bring them in immediately. Be careful. They are probably armed. They are wanted for the murder of Michael Markle. Mojave. Twink around. Twink around, quick. $10,000 award for anyone who turns me in. Karen, don't let me out of your sight, will you? Why? What's the matter? I don't trust myself. Gary, be serious. You hear me laughing? My train's leaving in a half an hour. Where am I? Sitting up on a rooftop, hiding from the cops. Don't make so much noise. That was Percy, not me. Oh, I'm sorry. Be quiet, Percy. Look at me. I'm a nervous wreck. What am I doing? Why am I running away from people? What is this? I was a guy with a bird. The bird had a contract. I was going to Hollywood. I'd be wearing emerald teeth and a platinum hat. Then you came along. Now what am I? A hunted animal with a price in his head. Well, I'm telling you something. I'm getting out of here. I didn't kill anybody. I'm going down on the street and facing them and telling the truth. Are you? Well, remember this. I'm your only alibi. If you go to the police, I'll tell them you give it. Ah, you wouldn't do a thing like that. Yeah, I guess you would. Larry, Larry, I'm sorry. I have been a nuisance. I had no right to get you. You go. You go right ahead to California. I won't stop you. You can clear yourself and I'll manage something. Yeah. In a minute, I turn my back. You'll snitch on me. No, I won't. You go right ahead and thanks for everything. Well, okay. I'm sorry too, but you understand I got my own trouble. Of course. Well, it's a long. Come on, Percy. So long, Larry. Good luck. Thanks. Don't worry about me. I feel like a rat leaving her up there. Oh, I shouldn't. I got a job in my own to do. You mean you're running out of her, huh? What are you? A man or a mouse? A mouse, but at least I'm not a mouse with a rope around my neck. Running out and leaving her up there alone. Well, I got my right. And why are you stoned? Why don't you go? I'm not stoned. You keep out of this. Not stoned. Who do you think you're kidding? Go on back. Hey, hey, look at me. Wait a minute. I'm going back. No, I'm not going to do it. That's better. What if I am walking up? She's awfully pretty. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. It's got nothing to do with bombers or spies. Now I know what it is. It's got me. It's that brown hair. It's those great big baby blue eyes. That's what's pulling me back. Well, I'm not going to let it. Oh, you're not. Hey, no, I'm not. You. Oh, what's the use? I'm going back. Yeah, it's me. I'm back. Call him my manhood and it answered, darn it. Oh, Larry. But I'm going to tell you something right to your face. You know what I think of you, don't you? I think. Dude, I think you'll win. You do? Gee. Don't look now, but I think somebody's trying to attract our attention. Quick, down the fire. Okay. Wait, I forgot Percy. Percy. You can't stop her. I got to stop her. I'm a dead duck. Percy. First, I'm a murderer. Now I'm an automobile thief. You know, you're a bad influence on me. We had to do something. We didn't steal the car. We just borrowed it. Yeah, just like Henderson is going to borrow our tires. Jerry, look. Look, they're following us. There's a whole car full of police right behind us. I know, but are they after us? That's the question. And that's the answer. Jerry, they're shooting. Faster, Larry. Can't you go any faster? Listen, we haven't got wings, you know. But we may have any minutes. Oh, hurry. Please hurry. What do you mean hurry? We just passed Flash Gordon. Larry, look over there. That's an airplane in that field. What about it? Get over to it. Cut across the field. I can fly. All right. Hang on. Watch out for those trees. Hang on. Hang on. Stop the car. Stop. Well, that's better than using brakes. It saves rubber. Come on. Get in the plane. The back kick. Hey, you sure you know how to run this thing? Of course, my brother's a British ace. Yeah, well, my uncle's a dog catcher, but I can't bark. Let's go. California, here we come. Well, Carl, have you got the girl? No, Madam Coonert. She's in the plane, flying to Los Angeles. You've let her slip through your fingers, you fool. Not quite, Madam Coonert. You know where she's going. To Colonel Ashmont, 112 Openadino Street, Los Angeles. Good. Call Faber in Los Angeles at once. They will take care of Colonel Ashmont. Say, who is this Colonel Ashmont anyway? He's a liaison officer between the British Air Ministry and American aircraft production. Yeah, but what's he going to do with that bug even if we do get it to him? We route the flight of the bombast synchronized with an RAFF port. Hey, hey, what's that? Well, it isn't hooping cough. Look at the gasoline gauge. There's not enough gas in that tank to clean a door. Oh, that's fine. That's great. That means we're going to be stuck up here in the air where everybody can see us. Oh, hey, help. That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to be planted like a peanut. Hey, Chase, huh? Well, we landed, didn't we? Yeah, we landed all right, but I didn't know we were coming in on my collar bones. One take, Larry. Stop walking. It wasn't me. That was Percy. Oh, tired. I'm hungry, too. Larry, look. What are those things in that field? Watermelons. Oh, boy. Oh, couldn't we buy some? Oh, they don't taste like anything unless you steal them. Come on, I'll treat you. Open one up quick. Sit down. Say, you know, I remember back home there was a watermelon patch. Me and a kid named Turkey Williams used to swipe. Every time we'd get caught, I'd blame Turkey. I was a town heel. Here, you try this. I never saw a melon like this before. Well, it's really just a candle up the wind Hollywood. Do you like it? It's like sucking on my bath bun when I was a baby. To really get at it, you should have earplugs in the bathing suit. Really? Sure. Then you see... Morning, folks. Uh-oh. We got company. Enjoying yourself, folks? Who are you? Jed Hawkins is my name, but my friends call me Sheriff. On your feet, both of you. Don't try and think funny. I've got you covered. Now look, Sheriff, we just... My car's over this way. Get going. Officer, let me explain. We've got to get to California. Young woman will likely be a long time before you get to California. I know everything's against the Sheriff, but we're absolutely innocent. Look at me. Do I look like the criminal type? Well, look at her then. Young fella, all I can say is you're in mighty serious trouble. But he didn't do anything. I got him mixed up in all this. Yeah, a lot of fellas get in trouble cause of a woman. No, folks, crime don't pay. You start stealing the watermelon, then it'll be an automobile. The first thing you know, you'll likely get mixed up into something like this. Look at this headline here. Love Slayer is still at large. But look, Sheriff... Better digest it, son. Maybe it'll be a lesson to you. You wouldn't want to be him, would you? I wouldn't... Oh, yes, I read about that fella. They say he only has two fingers in one of his hands. In the car, please. Oh, certainly. After you, dear. Excuse me, Sheriff. I was speaking to the lady. You know, you folks will have to get 10 days for stealing and trespassing. You don't want to try anything around these here parts? Well, might as well have a little music while we're driving to town. Turn on that radio, son. Oh, sure, sure. I hope it's a wine music. It's nothing like a hula on the way to the cooler. Trucker is the last seen flying a small blue airplane. They... Oh, wrong station. This'll be better. But the apprehension notify all law enforcement police of Illinois. Oh, monotonous, isn't it? That's what I've been waiting for. I've got 18 labels already, and I don't even own a dog or a cat. I've been eating the dog myself. Stuffed myself. Stuffed the dog and the whole thing, Sheriff. Eating the dog food myself, and it hasn't had any bad effect on me at all. Except once in a while, I... Oh, oh. Down it there, it goes again. Oh, no, Sheriff. That's just the news. You don't want to hear news. Get it. Yeah, it's so pretty. $10,000 reward. Oh, we can explain. Put up your hands. But, Sheriff, we're innocent. Shut up. If you move a finger, I'll plug it. I'll keep those hands up both of you. Well, Larry, I guess we'll have to face the music. Yeah, it looks like curtains. I see my life passing before me, and Don Amici has the leading role. For station identification, this is the Columbia Broadcasting System. It's the Collins, our fashion reporter, who says it's important to keep the stretch in other things besides your imagination. And I think the women in our audience will know what I mean when I say it's a two-way stretch that I'm thinking about. Yes, those comfortable, easy-to-wear foundations and girdles that we've been taking for granted are worth their weight in, well, in rubber today. And, of course, we all want to keep ours wearable just as long as we can. Here's what a well-known magazine said recently. The sad truth is to why most girdles and corsets wear out long before their time is that they aren't washed often enough. So, there's the first rule for you. Luxe girdles and foundations often so that they never get really soiled, and so perspiration doesn't weaken the fibers. Second, and very important, always use mild luxe flakes. Strong soaps or rubbing with cake soap may weaken elastic fibers. Spoil a bit of your girdle. Squeeze rich, lukewarm luxe suds gently through the fabric. Don't rub, don't scrub, don't ring or twist. Never dry over a radiator or use a hot iron on anything that has rubber in it. You can be sure that luxe flakes are ideal for precious girdles because makers of fine foundations recommend luxe. Luxe care means longer wear, and that counts more than ever today. Now, Mr. DeMille returns to the microphone. The curtain rises on the third act of my favorite blonde, starring Bob Hope and Virginia Bruce. Larry Haynes with his penguin under his arm. He's on his way to jail. He and Karen sit brumbly in the sheriff's car as they enter a small town somewhere in Illinois. Mercury's. I guess this is my lucky day. Now, keep your eye on the road, sheriff. I know it's 10,000 dead or alive, but I'd rather be captured alive. Hey, Mercury's, you will get the chair for this. And 10 days extra for sealing watermelons. Sheriff, look out for that car. Hey, what's that? Hey, look where I'm going. I'll get out and suck that guy in the nose. Wait, Karen. What? Then I'll run. Head for those houses over there. Okay, you ready? Come on. Give me your hand. Hey, grab those two. They're murderers. Come on. Hide there. Well, what is this place? The Sandoval High School. Go on in. High school? I never thought I'd make it. My mother would be proud of me. Listen, stop picking on me. I know it wasn't you. It was Percy, but keep him quiet. Oh, there you are. Look out. There you are. It's lost. Who, me? Come, come, come, come, Dr. Higby. Come, come, come. The ladies are waiting for you. Ladies? What ladies? Ladies will be so excited. The ladies will? Well, you run along and tell them I'm here. Very well. Did you hear that? That woman thinks I'm a doctor. Come on. Let's get out of here. They must be having a meeting or something. Get hide right there. If she thinks you're a doctor, so much for better. Yeah, but I can't be a doctor. I don't know a pebble from a hole in the head. Don't argue with me. Come on. Goodbye. Come here. You'll be right there, madam. Listen. I had to get in that room over there. I did hear, Dr. Higby. The ladies are waiting, Doctor. Oh, the ladies are? Well, just wash them up and put them on the table. So amusing, isn't it? Oh, that I am. That I am. I kill my patients. Layed on an emergency call. Twins. Oh. No, it was triplets. You left early. Sit there on the platform. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Ladies, ladies, please take up your time. I want to introduce Dr. Robert Higby, the eminent Chicago baby specialist who is going to address us all. You're on, Higgy. Yeah, but I don't know anything about babies, the small kind. Go on. Say something. Just talk. Oh, fellow mothers. They say that a woman who hasn't been a mother is like a ship that hasn't sailed. It looks like the whole fleet's here today. Uh, babies. The first thing you probably want to know is where do they come from? Those little bundles of joy. Those little falling stars. Well, one day you're standing in your head baking an upside down cake and the next bingo, you're a mother. Well, let's say the baby little Julius has arrived. What is the first thing he does? He cries. Exactly. And so life begins. It's just like stepping in the starter and away he goes, speeding up life's highway, a little tank full of gas, no ration card necessary, his little engine buzzing, and his little horn tooting. Now, mothers, I think I'd better get going. I mean, I think I'd better get out of here. The doctor means the time is short. If you have any questions you'd like to ask, will you please ask them now? Dr. Higley, I always seem to have a great deal of trouble putting on those little rubber panties. Oh, well, why don't you try a larger size? Who's next? I keep always doing the wrong thing. What should I do? Well, wait another 10 years, and if there's no improvement, may I be your phone number? I'll be waiting for that number. My little boy. Your little boy? Well, ugly little shaver, isn't he? Hiya, son. Shake hands. Let go of me. They didn't lower that draft age far enough. Now, Frederick, shake hands. Don't be afraid of the good doctor. The good doctor stinks. You're not exactly Chanel number five yourself, son. Please throw, please. I'm a little worried about him. Well, I don't blame you, madam. All right, son. Now, open your mouth and say, ah. Wider, wider, yes. Marvelous thing, the human stomach. Just look in there. Oh, fine. A little empty at the moment, but fine. Well, I can take it. Can you take it? Take what? In the stomach, please. Wait a minute, you little brat. Now, I'll see if you can take it. Well, don't stand there. Pick me up, somebody. Did you ever hop a freight before? No. Have you? Yeah, but it's much nicer this way. This way? Yeah, without the tar and feathers. Oh, there you're wonderful. For what? Hope is sticking by me through all this. Yeah, I'm a great hero. I was all set to run out on you. In Chicago on that roof, I gave you a chance to leave. What have you? I hit a patch of bubblegum. Look, I'm wise to you. I know what you're trying to do. You want to get me talking in pink ribbons like a valentine. All right, you held me. That's what? I couldn't run out on you. I had no feet. You, you're a beautiful blonde magnet, and I'm nothing but a carp attack. There, I said it. Now you're happy? Yes, Karen. Very happy. And I don't mind in the least bit you're talking like a valentine. Look, you, if I wanted to come right out and say I love you, you wouldn't stop me, see? No, I wouldn't. But you can't make me. I'm not like a lot of other guys that beat around the bush. If it was hitting me here in the heart, I'd come right out and say so. Then you mean it's not hitting you in the heart? I didn't say that. Supposing it is. What business is it of yours? At least I'm not sloppin' over. You don't get me talking icky sticky. Go ahead, Larry. Talk icky sticky. No, sir, not hate. First thing you know, I'd be drooling a lot of hooey, and next thing you know, I'd be hugging you and kissing you. Well, why don't you? No, I, oh, oh. Hey, what kind of a kiss is that? It's that, uh, new thing. Yeah, well, hang on to it. Don't let him put a priority on that. 1120 Bernardino Street. Let's be right down here, Larry. As soon as we see Colonel Ashman, our troubles are over. Yeah, I sent a wire to Nat Burton. I told him to get us a lawyer to straighten out all this murder business for us. Who's Nat Burton? Oh, he's my agent. Do you think he'll help? Well, he'd better if I get the electric chair. He gets 10% of the current. There's the pace. 1120. Wait a minute. Do you see that sign? Matthew's undertaking follow. This can't be it. Well, it looks unusual, but that's often the way things are done. I know this is the pace. Hey, but this is one of those bury you deep and forget your quick joints. Oh, come on. Open the door. Yeah, but I feel awful funny going in here vertical. She's spooky, isn't it? There's somebody coming. If it's Boris Karloff, I've seen this picture. Good evening. Good evening. Can I be of any assistance? Yes. The scorpion. Scorpion, good work. We've been expecting you, Miss Bentley, right this way. He looks like Rigger Mortis Jr. Colonel Ashman, Miss Bentley, Miss Bentley. Good evening, Colonel. My heartiest congratulations. You've done a magnificent job. You have the scorpion? Yes, Colonel Ashman. But, sir, your identification fee. Oh, yes, yes, of course. B-739-A-3-2-6. And yours, please? 1-1-1-J-J-X-5-7-6. And yours, sir? Oh, Hollywood 7245, class 4B, flat feet. This is Mr. Haynes. Without him, I never would have gotten here. Excellent, Mr. Haynes. I assure you we shall take good care of you. Oh, it was nothing. Three big spies came at me with knives, so I just rolled them downstairs. I like to hear them bounce. You must watch out. They don't bounce back. Yeah. The scorpion, please. Here. The code is engraved in hieroglyphics in the inside of the back. Oh, yes. Here it is. Shouldn't have left us no time to spare, Miss Bentley. The farmers are waiting to take off. All right. You're scarred here. Right here, Lieutenant. Lieutenant, but... Keep these people covered. Give me the codebook we took from Colonel Ashman. Here, Lieutenant. Hey, what is this? Where's Colonel Ashman? He's in the other room. Gagged and bound. Oh, Larry, they're Nazis. We've been trapped. So very sorry, Miss Bentley. Now we will find out where our Messerschmitts will hold their rendezvous with your beautiful bummer. Why, you, you... Give me that scorpion. Hold it. Let go. No, I've got the scorpion. See, you'll never get it. Ah, get that scorpion away from him. Stand back. If you come near me, I'll... I'll swallow it. That's what I'll do. Swallow it. I'll scuttle myself. Oh, you think I won't, huh? You take one more step and I'll... Give it to me. There. There, I did it. I swallowed it, and it didn't taste bad. You swallowed the scorpion. I told you I would. Carl, do you have a knife? Yes, Lieutenant. Good. Carl, you have two minutes to get the scorpion. The stomach is about an inch under the low rib. Huh? I understand. Oh, wait a minute, fellas. Wait. Mary. Oh, now, wait a minute. Cut it out. No, no, I mean, don't cut it out. Mary, the door. The door behind you. Stop him. Stop him. Hold the door, Mary. Listen. Get out the window. Get some cops. Big ones. All right, come on. No, no, you go ahead. I'll hold these guys off. Oh, you can't. Not all by yourself. Oh, I'll think of something. I'll make believe I'm Mandarin. Go on, beat it. Oh, all right. I can get out this way. Open the door. I'll hold it to my last breath. Open. I'll hold it to my last breath. Open or we shoot through it. I'm breathless. Put up your hand. Now, wait. I'll deny it. No, you don't. I'm set for you. You don't think I'd come here on arm, do you? I've got a hand grenade in my pocket. You come near me and I'll pull a pen and we'll have red polka dot wallpaper. A hand grenade? Yeah, so don't make a move. None of you. Lieutenant. Ha, ha, ha. A bluff. Go ahead, my friend. Throw your hand grenade. Oh, you don't think I will, huh? I'll count three and there'll be nothing left with your pants buttons. One, two. Go ahead. One, two. You said that. I did not. One, two, four. Three. Who said that? I told you there's a bluff. Grab him. No, stop. Come here. Lieutenant, quick. The police. There you see? The police. You all caught like rats in a trap trap. And I'm the piece of cheese that caught you. You've got to get out. Yeah, take him with us. Yes, Lieutenant. If he fights, knock him and punch him. I'll fight all right. Don't worry. Knock me out, will you? You just try it. You just. There. Oh. They are here, Lieutenant. So we know. Get out. Cover the back. Kyle, you first. But Lieutenant, prove them in the quick. Just prove them in the quick. Oh. It's all right, darling. You will be all right. Where? Where am I? In a hospital, dear. The planes are ready to take off. Everything's going to be fine. Oh, that's good. Um, all we need is the scorpion. Oh, is that all? Yes. Doctor, are you ready to operate? Already. Operate? You're going to operate on somebody? Yes, dear. What can? Can I watch? No, dear. Oh, why not, Doctor? I've got a strong stomach. That's just the point. In the thing of this kind, we never let the patient watch his own operation. Oh. Oh. Easy. No, stop. It's inside. Yes, we know, darling. Of course, it's inside. No, listen. We'll have it out in the gym. Oh, no, wait. Don't fiddle with my middle. Please, we need the scorpion. Oh, but it's not inside me. I didn't really swallow it. It's inside your coat. I pinned it there. My coat? Yeah, look. Hurry up and look before that doctor makes like a commando on me. I've got the scorpion. You don't have to operate. Doc, take that grin off your face and stop threatening that needle, please. There they go. A hundred of them. Oh, Larry, I'm so proud of you. Did you hear what Colonel Ashman said? You're probably going to be decorated. Oh, it was nothing at all. If it was for you, Karen, I'd do the whole thing all over again, even if I was in my right mind. Darling, would you kiss me again, too? Is it that new thing, huh? Oh, try it. Okay. Ready? Go. There. You like it? That wasn't Percy. That was me. Mr. DeMille will bring our stars back to the microphone for a curtain call in just a moment. Now for some news about stockings. Have you ever thought about this? Why is it that stockings sit so many differently shaped legs? Why don't they have to be altered to fit, as you so often have to have a dress altered? Well, it's because they have elasticity. They can stretch where they need to, then spring back to cling smoothly to the legs. And it's that same quality of elasticity that lets them give under strain, without breaking easily into runs. Yes, elasticity is a very important thing in stockings. And it's really good news that the new rayon stockings we've all been getting acquainted with have a lot more elasticity than the earlier ones did. New high twists, new finishes have made this possible. But here's the thing. You mustn't weaken elasticity when you wash stockings. And that's what cake soap rubbing and strong wash day soaps are apt to do. You can save the elastic quality of your rayons if you'll give them the same gentle care you give silk and nylon. Nightly luxing. Squeeze them through rich lukewarm luxe suds. Rinse them carefully. Let them dry thoroughly from 24 to 48 hours. This gentle luxe care cuts down runs. Guards the vital elasticity of your stockings. So for better stocking wear, for most flattering stocking fit, don't trust the luck. Trust to luck. Now here's Mr. DeMille with our star. Our spotlight proudly turns to Bob Hope and Virginia Bruce as they come back for a curtain call. Virginia, you were grand. And Bob, I must remember this performance when we vote on the Academy Award again. You, you did the best you could. Bob, don't let Mr. DeMille kid you. You're just as good an actor as... Honey, I can't think of anyone you're as good as. Bob, I think you're as good an actor as Charles Boyer. Charles Boyer? Well, don't sound so amazed. The only difference between me and Charles is that he's got longer eyelashes. What eyelashes? The only guy who can wink at a girl and cooler off at the same time. Well, you, you can hardly expect to compete with Charles Boyer romantically, Bob. Oh, just a minute. You can't talk like that about me as a lover. Why, do you know how Madeline Carroll feels toward me? Yes, Bob. You think I ought to write Beatrice Fairfax? Now, Bob, I, I want to speak to you about your salary. I, I think I ought to pay you for tonight's performance and pay you what you're worth. Oh, come on. Don't try to shortchange me. Mr. DeMille, you were on Bob's program once. Did he ever pay you? Oh, sure I did. I gave him a present. I went to a big department store and I had to pull plenty of strings before I got exactly what I wanted. Yes, I, I'm sorry I said anything, Bob. It was really a lovely yo-yo. Say, Virginia, why don't you appear in my program some Tuesday night? I'd like to, Bob, but I need the money. What about, what about next Monday, Mr. DeMille? Good day. One of the most exciting dramas the world has ever known. A true story of American heroism that really happened. It's a paramount picture that's thrilling the whole country right now. Wake Island. And we'll have two of the same stars who were in the picture. Brian Dunleavy and Robert Preston. And with them, Roderick Crawford. Wake Island makes anyone proud to be an American. And here in the Lux Radio Theater, we feel that it's a high honor to bring you this inspiring story next Monday night. As long as America exists, CB, we'll remember the Marines of Wake Island. I saw the picture, so I know you'll have a great show. By the way, Bob, what are you doing over at Paramount now? Oh, I just finished the picture with Bing Crosby and Dorothy Delmore called the Road to Morocco. It's a sequel to the Road to Singapore and the Road to Zanzibar. Road to Singapore, Road to Morocco, Road to Zanzibar. No wonder you know it looks like a detour. Good night, Mr. DeVille. Good night, CB. Who are the two who look well together in the... Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Flakes, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night. When the Lux Radio Theater presents Brian Dunleavy and Robert Preston in Wake Island with Roderick Crawford. Mr. Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood. Welcome, John. Still need your waste kitchen fats. Don't throw away used frying fats, bacon grease, or anything like that because your government needs every bit. Strain all fats into a wide-mouthed can and take them to your meat dealer who will pay for them. Save all waste kitchen fats to make explosive. Bob Hope appeared through the courtesy of the Pepsi-Dent Company. Heard in tonight's play were Charles Cecil, B. Benadirath, Verna Felton, Edwin Maxx, Fred Mackay, Leo Cleary, Eddie Marr, Horace Willard, Jack Mather, Pinto Colbyg, Warren Ash, Duane Thompson, Wally Mayer, and Vicks Davis. Our Lux Radio Theater production of my favorite blonde has come to you with the good wishes of the makers of new, quick, Lux Flakes. The tissue-thin soap flakes used by smart housewives everywhere and by the great picture studios to protect the million-dollar wardrobes you see on the screen. As Mr. DeMille has told you, Robert Preston and Brian Dunleavy are coming to the Lux Radio Theater next Monday night and our play will be Wake Island with Broderick Crawford. In the Lux Radio Theater we will have as usual our producer Cecil B. DeMille. Join us again next week. Be part of the coast-to-coast audience that gathers each week to enjoy this hour of dramatic entertainment. Our music was directed by Louis Silvers and this is your announcer, John N. Kennedy, reminding you that you'll be next Monday night to hear Brian Dunleavy and Robert Preston in Wake Island with Broderick Crawford.