 J.P. Health Health. Oh! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston and Phil Harrison is orchestra. The orchestra opens a program with by myself from between the devil. Have you ever been away from home, eating out and longing for a real delicious home dish? Well that's the time to ask for Jell-O because Jell-O always tastes delicious wherever you have it, at home or in a restaurant. If you insist on genuine Jell-O, you're sure of getting the real thing. For there's only one Jell-O and the name Jell-O is a trademark, the property of general foods. If you hear any other gelatin dessert called Jell-O, you'll know that's incorrect. For there is no other Jell-O. So be sure to ask for Jell-O by name, whether it's from your grocer or in a restaurant. Restaurants serving real Jell-O can now display an autographed picture of Jack Benny. So look for his picture as your assurance that they serve genuine Jell-O. Remember if you want to enjoy that delicious, extra-rich fruit flavor, that luscious, true fruit goodness, always insist by name on the one and only Jell-O. I'll fire myself from between the devil played by Phil Harris and his orchestra. Now, ladies and gentlemen, as is customary every Sunday night at this time, we bring you... Hello Don. Hello Jack. Hiya Phil. Okay Jackie, hello Don. Greetings Phil, how are you Kenny? Hi, hello Phil. How's the boy Kenny? Hello fellas, hi Jack. Hiya Mary. Hello audience. Hello Jack. Well, well, we're all here. So now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you much to do about nothing, Jack Benny. That was cute opening. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, I must say that's about the silliest opening we've ever had, isn't it? Yes Jack, but at least it's different. Oh, it's different all right, and that's what radio needs. Something new and original. New ideas, new thoughts, new personalities. Well you're right Jack, but why don't you do something about it? Well Don, I'd be willing to change the programs, you know, if some of my fellow artists would cooperate. Now what do you mean? Well take some of the other comedians, say Fred Allen for instance. If Allen will get rid of his adenoids, I'll get rid of my Maxwell, which is in much better condition. You see? Now wait a minute Jack, Fred Allen does not talk through his nose. No he doesn't eh? The only time he has a word in his mouth is when he eats alphabet soup. Incidentally Don, what do you think Fred sent me for my birthday? You'll never guess. Well what was it? I'm ashamed to mention it. Aw tell us. He sent me a tube of toothpaste. Now wasn't that cheap Mary? Yeah, I should have sent you teeth too. Now Mary, that was sweet. But no kidding Don. Switched on you didn't I? But no kidding Don, as I was saying, for the rest of this season we ought to forge ahead and make a lot of changes on our program. Well I can help a lot Jack, for instance, from now on instead of saying look for the big red letters on the box, I can say look for the massive scarlet insignia on the container. Yes, yes, you could Don. And you could also say that it comes in five minus two plus three delicious flavors. That's what we need, radical changes. See I've got a great idea Jack. What is it Mary? Well, I could bring Mom out here from Plainfield and she'd sit swell on our program. Well it's an idea but we can't use your mother. She's funny all right but she runs to low comedy. You know, you know what I mean, corny, corny jokes. I suppose you don't grab them off the cob once in a while. Well we don't want your mother. Let her start her own program. Professor Diz. That's her all right. Jack, I've got an idea. Oh, there's a change right there. What is it Kenny? Well instead of my coming down here every Sunday, why can't I mail my song in? Yes, you do that Kenny and I'll sing your check to you. I hope so. I've been whistling for it for three weeks. Now look fellas, we're getting away from the subject. I'm just trying to find a way to change this broadcast. Have you any suggestions Phil? This program needs is a good five-cent cigar with a comedian on one end. Now listen Phil, while we're making bright suggestions, this program could stand some changes in the music department. We never know what you're playing. Is that so? Yeah, you never played a song yet that we couldn't start a contest on. Why Phil, your orchestra played Rosalie last week. And the whole audience stood up. They thought it was the Star Spangled Banner. So did I, I took my hat off. Go on, you haven't worn a hat since your last permanent. Come in. Hiya Buck, remember me? Oh hello Andy. Hello Andy. Well say, you have been quite a stranger around here. We've missed you Andy. Where have you been the last few weeks? Well I figured you didn't need me. Buck, I was going to come a couple of weeks ago, but you had Robert Taylor here. Oh, well you could have been here at the same time. After all, you and Taylor don't conflict. Well I don't know about that. We're both crazy about Barbara Stanwyck. Oh, you are eh? Yeah, only I'm just crazy. Say, if that you might give Taylor a real race. Shucks, I'd rather run against Palm Boone. Now you're too modest Andy. You want me to tell you something? I think you're a very attractive fellow. Oh good one. I ain't got no more sex appeal than a poached egg. What made you wait so long before you answered? It's written right there Andy. I can't understand that. I was laying the egg. Oh, oh, you were laying the egg. You get it. You certainly were. I was laying the egg. You get it. You certainly were. Well, tell me. Tell me Andy, how are your folks? Well, Ma's all right but Pa's having a lot of trouble with the government over his income tax. Oh, what's wrong? He put our bull down as a dependent. Oh, he couldn't get away with it, huh? Well, they didn't mind that so much but when he put Ma down as a bad investment they objected. Well, it'll all work out. Stick around, Andy. Say Kenny's going to sing in a minute and then we'll have a little chat, huh? Okay, Buck. Hey, wait a minute. What do you got in that basket? You going shopping? Oh, dog gone. I forgot all about it. Here, Buck. Ma sent you a little birthday present. Better late than never. Well, thanks. It was awfully sweet of her. What is it, Andy? Eleven eggs. Eleven eggs? Well, as long as she gave me a present she might have made it an even dozen. Oh, they'll be twelve in the morning. I got a hand in there concentrating. Oh, well, there's nothing like a nice fresh egg as long as it's not on the program. Sing, Kenny. Say, Andy, don't forget to thank your mother for that lovely gift. Well, yeah, I... Yes, we've traveled far and wide together. Did we travel too far? Now I reminisce and wonder whether afternoons, swingy Harlem tunes, and motor trips and burning lips and burning coast and thrones, how long can the light and wine, castles on the Rhine, your cozy chair and parties where we sang the sweet Adeline? It was time that we feasted. And many is the time that we fasted. Oh, well, it was well while it lasted. We did have fun. No, and strictly on to news. Darling, how are you? And how are the little dreams that never did come true? Awfully glad I met you. Emory from the Big Broadcast of 1938, sung by Kenny Baker. Gee, that's a beautiful number. Who wrote that, Kenny? Leo Robin and Ralph Ranger. Oh, Robin and Ranger. Say, those are the same boys who wrote Love and Bloom. Yeah, that's them. Ah, good ol' Love and Bloom. Yeah-da-da-da-dum-dum-de-da-dum. My violin and I did plenty for those two songwriters, didn't we, Mary? Yeah, plenty. No, I don't know. I kept Love and Bloom alive for a long time. Keep it alive? Why, Jack, if anybody murdered that song you did. Now, wait a minute, Phil. It was never proved that I murdered Love and Bloom. You must have had Clarence Darrow for a lawyer. Oh, no, I didn't. Anyway, thanks for the memory is going to be my new theme song. I'll rehearse it all week. And next Sunday night, I'm going to play it on my violin. Are you really going to do that, Jack? Definitely. And now- Oh, pardon me, Jack. Ladies and gentlemen, just in case you're planning on not tuning in next Sunday night, it may be well to tell you now that jello is economically easy to make and comes in six delicious flavors. That was very thoughtful, Don, but don't worry, we won't lose any listeners next Sunday night. My violin will probably attract a greater audience. You said it, Yasha. Quiet, Bublitzka. You know, Mary, if you're comparing me to Yasha Haifetz, you are off because we both get our G-strings from the same cat. We really do. Anyhow, folks, as I started to say before we were rudely interrupted by Haifetz, for our feature attraction tonight, we will continue with our thrilling C-drama, which we started last week, the second and final episode of that Warner Brothers' first national production, Submarine D1. Oh, go away. As you may remember, last week, Submarine D1 left New London, Connecticut and moved to San Diego by way of the Panama Canal. We almost reached Panama when suddenly we ran out of gas. We ran out of jokes, too. We did not. Our half-hour was up. Now, once more, I will play the part of Butch O'Benny, chief petty officer, and Mary, you'll have to be a sailor again this week. You know, slug Livingston. Gee whiz, if you're short of men, why don't you hire a couple of actors? I'm not going way out to the racetrack just for that. Anyway, you played the part all right last week. When you put on your sailor suit, you look just like a man. I don't know about that. I've passed a couple of fellows and they yell, Shape a Hoy. Well, they were just kidding. Now, are we all here and ready to go? Aye, aye, sir. And we're all set for the last lap of our dangerous Submarine journey. Hey, wait a minute. Where's Rochester? Here I am, boss. Just sneaking out. Rochester, come back here. Aren't you going to be in our undersea play? You know I hate water unless there's gin in it. Well, you ought to be proud to be in the Navy. It's the most glorious way you can serve your country. Well, why can't I be on land like I was during the war? Oh, I didn't know you were in the war, Rochester. What branch of the service were you in? I was in the razor artillery. The razor artillery? We didn't need no guns. Oh, you didn't, eh? No, sir. We just dropped up and went into action. Well, Rochester, do you mean to tell me that you fought all through the war with nothing but a razor? Yes, sir. We just revived an old Indian custom, only a little lower down. Well, I don't care how you fought, Rochester. I'm proud of you. How long were you in the service? Right up to the armistice. Well, well. I got my discharge and my barber's degree the same day. We're all a little nervous today, I think. Well, with all that experience, you certainly can be in our play tonight. Folks, our production of Submarine D1 will go on immediately after the next number. Say, Mark, am I going to be in it? Well, Andy, we've got a full crew. The only thing we need is a steam whistle. Well, I'll take it. How would you like to play the part of a whistle? Will you wait? I'll ask you, Andy. How would you like to play the part? It'll help your answer. How would you like to play the part of a whistle? I'll take it. I eat, bro. I should say you shouldn't be, eh? Oh, well, let's hear how it sounds. Now there's a ship ahead of us, Andy, and we want to warn it. What do you do? Say, that's perfect, and we're all set. Well, fellas, have you all got your uniforms on? I've got mine on. How do I look? Fine, Phil, but we don't wear polo shirts in the Navy. Oh, we don't, eh? No. You just ain't got no class. Well, I still know what a regulation uniform should be. Look at my sailor suit, Jack. Isn't it cute? Oh, it's cute all right, but what's the idea of the bustle? I'm a rear admiral. Now, that's just silly. Say, Kenny, that suit you've got on looks too big for you. Are you sure it's yours? I think Don Wilson's got mine on, but he said no. Oh, well, we'll find out right away. Bend over, Don. Okay. You're right, Kenny. Play, Phil. Cover up, Don. I'd like to love me from Colin Swing, played by Phil Harris, and his seasick ensemble. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the second and final episode of our Epic of the Navy, Submarine D1, or Butch Benny Sinks Again. You heard me. The scene opens on the deck of Submarine D1, which is... the scene opens on the deck of Submarine D1, maybe we should have had a rehearsal. Which is anchored off Panama and about to shove off for San Diego. Curtain. Music. Now, attention, men. This is the last leg of our journey, and we stand a very good chance of breaking a record. As soon as roll call is over, we're going to shove off. All right, men, fall in. Not in the water, Baker. Pull them out, fellas. Hey, Baker, when I say fall in, that doesn't mean fall in the water. Well, this is a fine time to tell me. Now, stay on deck after this. Now, attention, roll call. Slim Wilson. Aye-aye, sir. Lucky Baker. Aye-aye, sir. Sock Harris. Aye-aye, Kerr. Kerr. Just for that, Phil Harris, you're going to be putting the brig. Slug Livingston. Aye-aye. Aye-aye, what? Move over, Phil. Rochester Van Jones. Aye-aye. Butch O'Benney. Butch O'Benney. That's you. Oh, yes, aye-aye. Well, we're all set. Now, listen, men, we're shoving off for San Diego, and if you're all on your toes, we'll break the record. Remember what I told you last week. One false move on the part of any one of you might mean death to us all. Uh-uh, there's that word again. All right, men, let's go. Hey, wait for me. Oh, whistle divine. Where have you been? I was in town getting steamed up. Well, get in your place under the funnel. Down below, men, we're leaving immediately. Aye-aye, sir. All right, men, weigh anchor. Take charge, Wilson. Aye-aye, chief. Check air on manifold. Check air on manifold. One turn on starboard. One turn on starboard. One ham on ride. One ham on quiet. We're off to San Diego. One week later, submarine D-1 is approaching the coast of California, cruising 60 feet below the surface. Well, men, everything is going along fine. All we got to do is keep up our present speed. Aye-aye, chief, chief, we're slowing down. We are? Slowing down nothing. We've stopped. Hey, Harris, what'd you stop the boat for? There's a red light against us. Red light? That's a lobster. Go right through. All right, but if I get pinched, it's your fault. Hmm, some navigator. Hey, Rochester. You want me, boss? Yeah, what are we going to have for lunch? Clam juice, clam broth, clam chowder, and clam chop. Clam, fish, seafood. Why don't we have pork chops once in a while? If I could ever catch a pig in swimming, we will. I haven't tasted meat for a week. Boy, how I'd like to sink my teeth into a nice, thick, juicy, sirloin steak. Can I have a bite? You keep away from my steak. Hey, boss. Yes? Do you want this dream rare or well done? Rochester, get back to the galley. Hey, Slug. Yes, Chief? Where are you going with those curtains? I'm going to hang them over my window. There's been a halibut peeking in all week. A halibut peeking in? That's nothing to get upset about. Oh, no. Last night, he winked at me. Oh, you're imagining things. I am, A. Then who sent me these water lilies? I'll get back to the periscope and keep your eyes open. I don't want any accidents. Hey, Baker, what do you got strapped on your back? A parachute. A parachute? What good is a parachute and a submarine? My hammock's on the ceiling. Don't open that thing in here. We're too crowded now. What's that? A school of fish. They're having recess. Oh, I thought it was a good humor man. Hey, Chief. Chief. What is it, Harris? We'll have to slow down. We got engine trouble. Engine trouble? You mean engine trouble? I mean engine. There's an ava-hole blanket caught in the propeller. Oh, we must have picked that up in Albuquerque. There you go again. We don't have to worry about propellers. We're nearing the coast. Are we all clear ahead, Slug? Oh, Chief, we just received a radiogram from Admiral McKenzie. A radiogram? Let me have it, Wilson. Aye, aye, sir. What does it say? Hmm. It says, use extreme caution when entering San Diego. The harbor is filled with battleships, cruisers, and destroyers. What? No water? Quiet. Well, men, we're going to make that record. But we've got to take a chance. Are you with me? Aye, aye, sir. Pull speed ahead. Hey, Chief. Chief. What is it, Harris? There's a battleship directly ahead, and it's bearing down on us fast. A battleship? We'll be hit, sure. Doc, go on. Where to put that rabbit's foot? I'll handle this. We've got to warn them. Hey, Slug, pull the whistle. Aye, aye, sir. Hmm, they don't hear us. Pull the whistle again. Louder. Aye, aye. They still don't hear us. What are we going to do? You better think fast, Chief. I got an empty main ballast tank. Reverse rear engine. Who keeps ringing those bells? Jimmy Fedler. Six bells? We can't be that good. Harris, I gave you a command to stop. Are you reversing rear engine? I don't know how. Then what do we do? Hold on to your hats. We're going to crash. Look out! Now, keep cool, man. I'll handle everything. But, Chief, we're sinking fast. I know we are. What does the gauge say, Rochester? 200 feet, sardines, errands, barecooters, and tuners. Going down? All that salt water pouring in. What do we do? Let's make some chaffee. We haven't time for that. We're still sinking. 300 feet, mackerel, piterel, whales, sharks, and mountain trout. Going down? The water's getting deeper in here. Hey, Wilson, man the pump. We haven't got any. Then somebody get me a blotter. We've struck the bottom. Have courage, men. Are you getting along all right? Now, there's the silly question. You can only make connections with the naval base. Chief, the water's up to my waist. It's only up to my ankles. Where's Kenny? I'm standing on him. And who am I standing on? There's ain't no hat I'm with. We gotta do something, men, or we're doomed. Why don't you call the admiral to send help? I can't. The phone is out of order. No, it isn't. That must be the admiral now. We're safe. Hooray! I knew we'd come out all right. Hello, hello. Hello, is this the Orpheum Theater? No, this is Submarine D1. What's the other feature? Everybody sinks. I'm so mad I could drown. Well, things look hopeless, men. I'm afraid there's no chance for us. But remember, we're in the service, fellas. So let's die like men. I'm not old enough. There'll be no exceptions. Hey, Chief. Chief, look. There's someone coming towards us. Don't waste time. We're drowning. Chief, look. There's someone coming towards us and a diving service. Let's see. You're right. He must have been sent to rescue us. Hooray! And just in time, thank heaven. Come in. Mr. Benny. Yes? Have you saved your money all your life? Yes, I have. Well, ain't you sorry now? Goodbye. Quick, grab them, fellas. I'll never get them in a better spot. Play, Phil. Here's something new and different for dessert. Something that's sure to make a hit with the whole family. It's a sun-shiny combination of orange jello and diced pineapple. It's lovely to look at, glowing with bright, cheerful color. It's swell to eat, and it's easy to make. Here's how. Dissolve one package of orange jello and turn into a shallow pan. Let it chill until firm, and then take a sharp knife and cut the jello into little cubes. Pile them into sherbet glasses with diced canned pineapple. The effect is really swell. Shimmering cubes of bright orange jello combined with golden pineapple. And it's a grand flavor combination, too. The refreshing tang of pineapple and the rich ripe fruit flavor of orange jello. Try this attractive new dessert tomorrow, but just be sure you make it with genuine jello, for only jello brings you that delicious, extra-rich fruit flavor. Look for the big red letters on the box. They spell jello. This is the last number of the 22nd program in the New Jello Series, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take just a moment to welcome two very good friends of mine, Lum and Abner, who have joined the General Foods Radio family and make their initial appearance for post-em this week. I hope you'll all be listening in. Well, fellas, now that our play Submarine D is over, let's get out of this submarine and get out to the surface. You better not do that, Jack. Why not? The Warner Brothers are waiting for you. Oh, well, it's comfortable here. Good night, folks. Lum and Abner begin their new series of programs for a post-em this week in social and local newspapers for time and station. Kenny Baker appears on the Jello program for courtesy of Mervyn and Roy Productions. The tune, you'll believe, is from every day of the holiday. This is the National Broadcasting Company.