 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Nick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert Norths, Jeanine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Most people enjoyed traveling in a foreign land. They find it exciting, but you don't know how exciting it can be until you have a traveling companion like Phil Harris. Then it can be, but more about that later. First the word from RCA Victor. New TV stations are opening up from coast to coast. Over 150 are in operation today. So wherever you live, you may soon have television. And when you consider buying a TV set, keep this in mind. Year after year, the big advances in television have come from RCA Victor. And in 1953, RCA Victor again leads the industry by bringing you the new Magic Monitor. Everyone of RCA Victor's great new television sets for 53 has this exclusive circuit system that automatically brings in and automatically holds the finest TV pictures possible. The Magic Monitor automatically screens out interference from electrical appliances, automobiles and passing planes. In weak signal areas, it steps up power automatically. And it automatically locks together the best sound with the clearest picture. So enjoy Better Television for 1953. See the new RCA Victor television sets at your dealers now. See the handsome 17-inch wane, for example. It's priced at a low $199.95. Think of it, RCA Victor quality television with the automatic Magic Monitor for the price of ordinary television. And remember this, when you buy one of the new RCA Victor television receivers, you can enjoy America's finest television installation through an RCA Victor factory service contract. This exclusive coast-to-coast factory service is just one more big reason why every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice May and Phil Harris. Last week, Elliott found out that Phil and Alice had never been to Mexico. Upon hearing this, he insisted on taking them on a sight-seeing trip to Tijuana. They left earlier this morning, and as we look in, we find them window shopping along the main street in Tijuana. Ayano Rancho Grande, Ayano Medecía. Charrita, Elegre Medecía, Elegre Medecía. Well, Alice, how do you like Tijuana? Isn't that exciting? Well, it certainly is. And I love those street singers that have been following us around. It's all so colorful, especially the way the girls are dressed. They're adorable. Oh, Phil, look at that girl over there. I'm looking, I'm looking. I love her, her roaches, don't you? Yeah, I like her shoes, too. Julius, where'd he go? He's over there buying some Mexican clothes. Yeah. Hey, look at that thing he bought, that, uh, that... What? That thing he's got on his head. That thing that comes to a point. Where you call it? His head. Oh, yeah, so it is. Hey, Alice, why don't we have to bring that little creep along? Well, he's never been to Mexico before, and I thought it would be educational for him. Besides, he's a lot of fun to have along on a trip. Oh, yes. He's a gem of a traveling companion. All right, fellas, stop picking on Julius. We're here to have a good time. Let's enjoy Mexico. Well, they're back again. Hancho Waring and his Glee Club. They've been following us all morning. Put your own fault, Curly. You give them five bucks when they start it. You're not going to lose them as long as we're here. Well, I think it's a good band. Well, it should be. That's Red Nichols and his five pesos. I wish they'd play something else. I do, too. They're driving me nuts with that. I think I'll ask that leader if they can play. I'll ask that leader if they can play something else. Hey, Clyde! He's an or you speak on me. Oh, you speak English? Well, he's an or. So good I'm speaking that from the real thing you can tell it, don't you? We have a Mexican Phil Harris here. Senor, you mentioned Phil Harris. You know him? See, I know him. Oh, he's a good singer, no? You'll hear it right on their head. I like his voice. I like you, too. I hear him on the radio, and oh, Senor, he has what you Americanos call a lousy voice. Lousy? What's better than that? It's crummy. Hey, uh, where'd you learn how to speak English? Well, I listen to the Phil Harris show on the radio. He speaks good, no? All right, Desi. Well, no, my name she is not Desi, Senor. Perhaps you have heard of me. I am the leader of all the musicians in Mexico. Oh, really? What's your name? Pedro Patrillo. How do you like that? The old man's got a Mexican road company going. Well, if you're a musician, Senor, you must like music. Yeah, I do. He did, amigos. Oh, not again. Not again. Wait a minute. Yeah, break it up, will you? Hold it a minute. Hold it. What's the matter, Senor? You don't shovel his song? It's real Jose. That's Mexican bebop, for don't you dig this song, it's real George. Look, Pedro, don't you know any popular American songs? Oh, Senor, how would you like to hear how much is that chihuahua in the window? Look, how about the number one song in America, the song that's on everybody's lips? That's what I like about the song. Oh, she's a good song. We sing him for you. He did, amigos. What did he do? All right, wait a minute, break it up. We have stopped it already, Pedro. Break it up. Stop it. What are you guys trying to do to the Confederate national anthem? You better let me do this thing. You sing, Senor. It happens to be my B's-ness. You sing for me the song Phil Harris Always Sings, the one about the Mexican club. The Mexican club? You know, old Bill Jackson was a gambling club who joined the Acapulcar club. Oh, this kid's been clicking his cast and that's too much. Hey, if you'll lend me your musicians, Pedro, I'll lay one on you. He did, amigos. You buy, print, and liven. Won't you try something new? Won't you buy? They're all imported from the tropics, just especially for you. There's a little fella always in the park selling nuts and candy. Happy as a liar, chirpy as a cricker as he scrolls along. And everybody loves him and his funny songs Peanuts, popcorn, crackerjack, and jelly apple won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, crackerjack, and jelly apple won't you buy? Chew buy, chew buy, chew buy, won't you buy from me? Won't you try pretty ladies? You buy something new from the tropics just especially for you Peanuts, popcorn, crackerjack, and jelly apple won't you buy? Chew buy, chew buy, won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, crackerjack, and jelly apple won't you buy? Chew buy, chew buy, won't you buy from me? Won't you buy pretty ladies? You buy something new, won't you buy? They're all imported from the tropics just especially for you Chew buy, chew buy, won't you buy? Magnifico señor, you sing just like Phil Harris Well look Pedro, I've got a surprise for you I happen to be Phil Harris You is him? Amigos you hear that? That is Phil Harris the famous bum with a lousy voice Alright Pedro In your honor we sing another song, what do you like to hear? I don't care what it is as long as it's something about the south something like hey way down upon the swanee river Swanee river or how does that go senior goes like this? We're down upon the swanee river Season or see I know this one good heated amigos We're down upon the swanee Get your real grand day out of my swanee Getting late and I'd like to do a little shopping before we go home Yeah, I'm getting hungry. I'd like to get some Mexican food and maybe meet a couple of those beautiful Mexican girls Hey, Pedro You know of any place we can go oh she's in your I take you to the best place in Tijuana How you like to sink your teeth into a locious enchilada? It's okay with me if she don't bite back Elliot an enchilada is a Mexican dish That ain't gonna clear it up for Look Elliot what they're trying to tell you is that an enchilada is food. It's a Mexican matzo ball No, no senior that he's not an enchilada an enchilada is a crazy blitz Hey Pedro, can you take us to a good place to eat oh she's in your and while you eat we serenade you That's just what we need Feel if I hear that song once more. I won't be able to eat. Let's ask somebody else. All right, honey All right, I'll ask another native what hey here comes a guy all dressed up in Mexican clothes. I'll ask him Put them was and you're gracious boonus notches and you haste la vista where we can eat up You know either Gobble gobble gobble gobble. What's this take he trying to say? Hey Julius, what are you doing in Mexican clothes? I just bought it. It's a bullfighting suit. I wish I was a ball You look ridiculous. It's too tight It's supposed to be tight and it looks good on me because I have the belt for it. Well, I know kid You have the watch for it one Monroe, that's funny. I never noticed it before Did you Elliott I can't say that I have walk for me kid wiggle a little No, he ain't got it Don't let her tease you Julius. I think you have a very nice built. Well, thanks. I have a nice what built built Like in Victor mature. All right, Alice. Hey kid, you can't walk around like that in them tight-fitting pants They look awful with them bow legs of yours. Yeah, it looks like he's standing on a pair of ice tops I don't get that picture What does it look like to you like the entrance to a wine barrel You're so descriptive Then why are they bent out like that last night I accidentally took a bet when they got a little war Fellas you're gonna stand here and tell bad jokes or we're gonna get something to eat. Well, honey It's four o'clock. We ain't gonna have time to eat if you want to do some shopping. Well, then let's go shopping Okay, okay. Come on everybody. Let's walk over to that shop across the street. She's in your heated amigos Please Something wrong, Senorita, you know like him El Rancho Grandi. Yes. Yes. I like El Rancho Grandi But I'd like to hear something else for a change Oh, I tell you what Senorita you sing something and we accompany you we sing anything you want Alright, I'll sing side-by-side good amigos She's going to sing side-by-side and we'll play El Rancho Grandi heated amigos We ain't got a barrel of money Maybe we're ragged and funny, but we'll travel along singing a song side-by-side Know what's coming tomorrow Maybe it's trouble and sorrow, but we'll travel the road sharing our load side by side Through all kinds of weather What if the sky should fall just as long as we're together It doesn't matter at all when they've all had their quarrels and parted We'll be the same as we started just traveling along Singing a song and we'll be side-by-side side by side We'll keep on walking together, life will be a ball Let everyone, everyone join together, one for all We'll travel along, singing a song side by side Well, we don't know what's coming tomorrow Maybe it's trouble and sorrow But we'll travel the road, sharing our load side by side Through all what if the sky should fall just as long as we're together And if all had their quarrels and parted We'll be the same as we started just traveling along Singing a song We've got a lot of nice things in our shop No, I don't think so. I bought everything I want An alligator bag, some silver buckles, and some hurraches for the children Phil, did you buy anything? Nothing for myself, but I bought you some perfume, dear Oh, how sweet. What kind of perfume? Twelve bottles of breath of tequila Tequila and perfume? It's a liquor It is Oh, I've made a horrible mistake Well, I'm sure the lady will exchange it for you Ask her Oh, honey, why trouble her? Ask her Oh, okay Señorita, will you exchange this tequila for some perfume? Oh, si, señor You want, huh? Si is no one Spanish, dear Only to you Elliot, did you buy anything? Oh, yeah, I got a lot of stuff to take back home I'm bringing mother and dad some souvenirs from Mexico Oh, how thoughtful. What'd you get your mother? A highlight bat Elliot Yes, sir I know I'm nuts, but I'm gonna ask it What did you get for your father? Something daddy will love You see, he eats a lot of Mexican food And this is something no Mexican would sit down to the dinner table without What is it? A rubber tongue cover It's great for eating that hot Mexican food It's fireproof, and it's adjustable to fit any size tongue Small child with tongue Down, Gomez, down A rubber tongue cover Poor dad Look, come on, will ya? Let's load all of our packages in the car and get started home Hey, Julius, you ready to leave? Yeah, I'm ready Hey, what do you got in all them packages? Mexican trinkets Yeah Hey, what do you got in all them packages? Mexican trinkets that I bought from my girlfriend, Fido Fido? That's not a girl's name Elliot Have you ever seen his girl? No Well, I haven't believed me the name fit Like a Russian wolfhound I'll be a real name as Frisky What did you buy for your girlfriend? Well, she's crazy about bullfighting So I got her a Matador sword, a red cape And a gift certificate for five bullfighting lessons What's in that big package? A bull Isn't that a little too personal? After all, you're not married to this girl yet It ain't a real statue You guys will have to help me carry it out to the car It's awful heavy All right, Elliot and I will help you carry it out Alice, you carry the rest of the packages out to the car And then open the trunk compartment for us All right All right, come on, fellas, let's lift this thing up, Elliot You and I will take this hand Julius, you take the other end Ready? Yep Hit it Careful, fellas, don't drop it Oh, fellas, hurry up I can't hold this trunk compartment door open We're hurrying We're hurrying As soon as we get it in now, honey, just drop the door Come on, fellas, let's get this bull in fast Julius, you back up Come on, Elliot All right, rush it in Well, we got it in, Curly No, we shoved Julius in by mistake What do you think, Curly? The car would be less crowded this way Stop cleaning, you've got to let Julius out Okay, we'll let him out Wait a minute, wait a minute, not so fast Before we do, there's something I've always wanted to know Hey, Julius What? Does that light really go out in there when you close the door? That isn't it I think he's neurotic Just nonsense and let Julius out of the car All right, all right, I'll let him out But I don't, I can't possibly see quite Uh-oh, come on Handles jammed, they ain't going to open It won't open Oh, no, this is the end I can see me whole life flashing before me I'm going Well, go on Look, kid As soon as we get across the border, we're going to stop at a garage and have them pry the door open, keep quiet He wants RA How are we going to pipe air into him? I got an idea, Curly This little crack at the edge of the door there I'll just put my mouth to it and blow some air in Here comes some air, kid Breathe deep Across the border, come on, he's going to be all right Come on The United States border Yeah, no, no, we're going to have to pull over there and declare everything I hope it doesn't take too long Ah, don't worry I know how to handle these custom officers Okay, bud, open the gate Phil Ayres is coming through Just a moment, please I guess he didn't hear the name Do you folks have anything to declare? No, no, nothing much, officer Just a few little souvenirs, nothing to speak of Well, I'm sorry, but I'll have to search your car routine checkup A lot of aliens have been smuggled into the country lately What have you got in the trunk? Nothing We ain't got a thing in there What was that? The thing It wants to get out Holy smoke Hey, Elliot, I forgot about Julius Open that trunk Look, mister, I'm sorry, but I can't open it The handle's jammed I've got a crowbar that'll unjam it I'll see what's in here What's this thing? It's a seal, we picked up an ensign out of it I'll get the horns out and he'll play a tune for you Now, don't be funny, Mac You fellas are under arrest for trying to smuggle this Mexican boy into the States Oh, no, he ain't no Mexican He's just dressed like one He bought that thing Hey, Julius, tell the officers you're not a Mexican See, you're saying you're Obviously, I'm not a Mexican My name's Julius I'm not a Mexican My name's Julius Juan Pedro Gonzalez Gomez Julius, cut that out Take him to the hoolies, he's got to lock him up and throw away the key Julius, you can't do this stuff This science fiction stuff is the greatest I just read one where this guy invents a machine that he can tune in all different kinds of climate just like a television said You mean like you just turn on Channel 4 for April in Paris or springtime in Iraqis on Channel 3? Yeah, imagine that Tuning in cool seashore weather on a hot summer day Wouldn't that be something? Oh, it'd be great, Elliot, but that's not science fiction That's exactly what you can do with the new RCA room air conditioner Yeah? Sure, listen, Elliot The new RCA room air conditioner has the wonderful climate tuner so that you can dial in just the kind of indoor weather you want on hot summer days In fact, with a RCA room air conditioner you feel better all year round Gee, those RCA scientists must be geniuses Pains taking geniuses, too They follow through all the way by making available RCA factory service for RCA room air conditioners for the finest in service and installation What are we waiting for? Let's hop in a rocket ship and go see those RCA room air conditioners right now Included in this program, Grant's Drive were June 4, A. Mel Blank and Peter Deeds The part of Julius was played by Walter Tettler Next here, Theatre Guild on the Air over NBC