 Today I'm 21 month sober from cocaine. 21 month sober. That's a huge, huge, huge, huge, huge thing. If you want me to make some videos talking about my sobriety I'm more than happy to let me know in the comments. Hey what's up you guys welcome back to my channel. If you're new here hi hello I'm Lydia and today I filmed a video earlier on doing a bit of an update Q&A. My camera died before I actually got into the full-on update and I've charged my camera up hungry. I feel like I'm gonna finish filming now. I just wanted to film a bit of an intro it's gonna be a bit of a justification as to why this video is a bit choppy and all over the place. Hey what's up you guys welcome back to my channel if you're new here hi hello I'm Lydia and today I'm doing an update video. Obviously you can see I'm out of hospital so this is a post hospital update video slash Q&A. It is all nor I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was. I'm obviously not in hospital anymore which you know major, major plus. Today I decided that I wanted to do a video where I answer questions about what you guys want to know about what post hospital me is up to and how things are. So the first thing is how's the move going? So I'm actually moving in a week, one week and I'm moved. So yeah that's pretty exciting in one week I won't be living in London anymore. I'm super excited about the move and you best believe that I'm recording it because I 100% am. So the first question is how are you coping after being in and out of hospital for two months? A lot better than I was. The last two weeks I was in hospital I was under a section. I honestly feel a lot better right now than I did before. I want to be alive. I'm looking forward to things in the future which is more than I could say about me a few weeks ago. The next question is your plans after being discharged? Some of my plans are I move in a week, I want to get a job and I just want to work on myself and be well and be stable and hopefully have no more hospital admissions. How do you honestly feel about that whole situation? I have a lot of feelings about everything that went on. About the attempt I'm still a bit, it's hard to comprehend how bad things actually got for me to do what I did. So that's that's still hard to come to terms with. About being discharged I feel very confident that I can keep myself safe and out of hospital. I have plans for the future. Things crossed and let's just keep going. Are you living with your parents now? No. Do you have any life plans and future ambitions? So long term obviously I graduate this year. I want to get a job this year. I want to start working not necessarily in what I got my degree and I want to start my post-grad degree. I want to keep going. I want to keep fighting. I want to keep being me. Being in and out of hospital is a really really hard situation. Especially with in hospital you don't know when you're going to get transferred, if you're going to get transferred, how long you're going to be there. You don't know any of that. I actually filmed a mini update video while I was in hospital and I'll play a clip for you now. So change of my plans for the day. I'm getting transferred award which is fine just means that I'm not going to have my leave and I'm going to award that was pretty horrific to me. So I'm probably going to be doing that for YouTube to go by right. Let's pack up my things anyway. My camera died. The clips you just saw were an update from when I was in hospital and I was getting transferred and the transfer terrified me. I was so convinced that I wouldn't be able to be discharged because I was aiming for the discharge that week and I was doing really well. I was working really hard on myself and I was putting so much effort into trying to be the best I could be to be discharged. I was so scared that getting transferred undid all that because when I got transferred I lost my leave. The new award wouldn't let me have leave and I was so convinced that all the work and all the effort that I'd put in had just gone out the window and that I was going to be in hospital for another few weeks trying to rebuild what I'd already built up and it scared me a lot. It was a really scary time. Like I said when you're in hospital you don't know what's going to happen because you're not in control of things and being in hospital is something I talk about quite a lot because I've spent a lot of time in the last few years inpatient. Being in hospital is a scary experience. It doesn't matter how many times you go in, every time you go in it's intimidating. It takes time to get used to it. It takes time for you to start working on yourself. It doesn't just happen the moment you step through the door. The moment you step through the door you're terrified. You don't know what's gonna happen that if you don't know where you're gonna end up. The morning I got told oh you're being transferred I had already come up with a plan for that day that I was gonna go on leave and go to a shop and try and get out for a bit and just work myself and I got someone came in and it was like we're transferring you today and it just flipped my whole day and it scared me because I was like all I was thinking is this is gonna ruin everything that I've worked on. It's a scary time. When I had my ward round on the second ward when I'd been transferred I didn't know that I was in it discharged. I was I went into it not really knowing what was going to happen. Of course my aim was still to try and get discharged and obviously I did get discharged but when I went in I was so anxious because I had no clue what this consultant was gonna say and the consultant was lovely and listened to everything I had to say and worked with what the doctor on the previous ward had been working on with me which was a discharge and discharged me that day and you know it was the best feeling ever. We told her we're gonna discharge you off your section today. It's the best feeling in the world and I can't explain that. Since coming out of hospital I found that I'm trying to just stick to a schedule. I'm sticking to the times that I took my medication on the ward. I'm sticking to a medication time schedule. I'm trying to stick to a routine. I'm trying to do stuff in the day that I was doing on the ward. I'm trying to make sure I'm not just sitting around doing nothing. I'm trying to make sure that I'm ready to move next week. I'm trying to make sure that I don't relapse. Like I'm trying so hard at the minute and I don't think I can sit and explain that to a camera. Like how hard I'm trying and working on myself at the moment. Like I'm finding film videos really hard at the minute. I'm finding it really anxiety provoking. Well since coming out of hospital I've been doing okay and I'm safe and that's what matters to me. So yeah this is the life update. This is how things are. There's nothing big or dramatic going on. I'm keeping myself safe and getting ready to move. To go for quite a big move actually. Tomorrow I'm seeing my psychiatrist last time which that'll be emotional because the psychiatrist has helped me so much over the last two years. So it's gonna be emotional but I know this move is what's right for me. It's the right time to move. And the only way I can move on is to drop my life here and move away. It's the only way I can pick myself back up. And saying that is it is scary and you can probably tell that there's some anxiety in me about that but it's the right decision. I want to say thank you to my patrons and thank you to people who support me on my other social media. If you don't follow me follow me over on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter. That's what I'm most active. Anyone who supports this channel and supports me and supports anything that I do thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means to me. Like I said thank you to everyone who has supported me through everything that's been going on. Your support is so valuable and I can't explain to you how much it means to me. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for being here and I'll see you guys soon in a new video. Peace.