 The Hollywood Radio Theatres Presenting Jim and Marion Jordan starring as Fibre McGee and Molly in a radio adaptation of the Paramount Pictures, Mama Love Papa. Here's your host, Frank Brzee. Greetings again, ladies and gentlemen. Certain elements just naturally go together. Corned beef and cabbage, april and showers, Fibre McGee and Molly. For many years, the irresistible Mr. McGee and the immovable Molly helped to make it a more cheerful world, and their weekly broadcast was a national habit. Now, for the first time, they assume the role of the legitimate actor and star for us in the play Mama Love Papa. Our play takes Fibre and Molly into new territory when Fibre, as William Todd quite accidentally gets involved in politics. As Mrs. Todd, Molly is still his chief counselor and does her part to get him out of trouble after she's gotten him in. Our part, for the moment, is to see that the curtain goes up right away on the first act of Mama Love's Papa, starring Fibre McGee as Wilbur Todd and Molly as Jesse Todd. If the locale of our story didn't have to have a name, we'd call it Average City, USA. If our characters didn't have to be called something distinctive, we'd refer to them as Mr. and Mrs. Everybody. As it is, our story takes place in Glenville and our people are the Todd. Like most of us, they're on average every day, perfectly normal and happy family. Also like most of us, they have ham and eggs for breakfast, slightly burned toast and a mild domestic spat. They've reached the last course, the spat. All right, all right. Now what's the trouble? I didn't see anything with the trouble. Did I say anything? Well, then why give me that black look? I'm just passing it on, Mama. This toast has been giving me a black look. See? Now listen, there's nothing wrong with that toast, Wilbur. Just a little burnt on the edges. That's good for you. It's why that's charcoal. I don't like charcoal, even with butter on it. Besides, Mama, it worries me. I know where to go to get the tenders out of my eye, but when I get them in my throat... Now, now you listen here, Wilbur. I told you time and time again we need a new toaster. If you hadn't been so selfish and given up smoking, we'd have enough coupons by now to get a really decent one. All right, Mama, all right. I can't get you off to work every morning and straighten your suspenders and shave the back of your neck and find your other sleeve garter and watch the toaster all at the same time, Wilbur. But Mama, I didn't... What we need is a maid. Wilbur, stop scraping that toast whilst I'm speaking to you. Oh, oh, excuse me, Mama. What were you saying? I said what we need is a maid. And we could have one, too, if you just had a little more gumption. How's gumption going to get a maid? You know what I'm talking about? They don't appreciate you down at that office. You know they don't. Uh-huh. You're worth twice the money you're getting now. Uh-huh. More than twice the money. And if I were you, I'd certainly ask for it. Uh-huh. How long have you been working for, Mr. Kirkwood? Uh-huh. Oh, oh. Ten years. Ten years. And not one raise in all that time. Not one raise. Who does he think you are? I got a bonus one. You know what's the trouble with you, Wilbur? You're afraid of yourself. You haven't got any confidence in your own ability. Your thoughts are all focused inside of you. You're always scared of what people are thinking. You're a, you're a, uh, inverter, Wilbur. Introvert. Hmm? You mean introvert. How do you know? I read the same magazine article. Well, anyway, that's what you are. What you've got to do is show off a little, crack jokes with people. That's big. Then they think you are somebody like that Mr. Phillips next door. He's no inverter. Introvert. Well, he isn't. Well, besides, I don't know any jokes. Well, you could make some up, couldn't you? I don't know, maybe. So you really think that would help, huh? Well, it certainly couldn't do any harm. Oh, Wilbur, I don't mean to be all this kicking on you, but we're just not getting anywhere. You see that, don't you? We're right where we were the day we got married. I hate to think of where we might be ten years from now. It's only for your own good, Wilbur. I know, you're right, Mama, but, but don't worry. Things will be okay, and I'll, well, I'll crack jokes with the best of them. You wait and see. Oh, it's not just cracking jokes. Well, you said it would help. Oh, Wilbur. Oh, gosh, there's the 810. I've got a run. Finish your coffee. No time, Mama. Where's your hat? I got it so long, Mama. Be back on the 6-5. Aren't you going to kiss me? Oh, sure. Goodbye. Be a good girl and don't take any wooden nickels. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Don't you get it, Mama? It ain't funny, Wilbur. Oh, well. I do better on Tuesdays. See, Miss Babacare, where were we in that letter? And you may expect this order as soon as possible. That's right. Now, take this. Uh, let me see, uh... Mr. Todd, I wish it hurry. I got to take 8 letters from Mr. Johnson yet. I ain't familiar. But don't rush me, Miss Babacare. Oh, here it is. Oh, uh, uh, the, uh... The shipment will include the additional furniture for the sanctuary. Yours, very truly Kirkwood Furniture Company for Wilbur Todd. That'll be all, Miss Babacare. And that last sentence is that word, sanctuary? Yeah, sanctuary. Sanctuary much. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Huh? Oh, never mind, never mind. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, hey, Todd. Yes, Mr. Burke, what is it? The boss wants to see you. Better get in there. Oh, sure. Hey, Burke, a rather amusing thing just happened here. I was dictating... Hey, hey, all right. See me later, will ya? And don't forget about Mr. Kirkwood. Oh, oh, sure, sure. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good morning, Mr. Kirkwood. Come in, Todd. What took you so long? Well, I was just... Todd, I want to speak to you about that Chicago consignment. We're way behind in our shipment. And if we don't put our shoulders to the wheel, we lose the whole order. Now, I want you to bear down on the factory. Make them jump, here. Jump? Yes, sir. I want action. A lot of action. Oh, you'll get it, Mr. Kirkwood. Yes, sir. Ha-ha-ha. What's the matter with you? Oh, oh, pardon me, Mr. Kirkwood, but a rather amusing thing happened this morning. Huh? Yeah. I said a rather amusing little thing happened this morning. Ha-ha-ha. Ms. Badecker said to me, I was dictating, you know, and he said to me, Mr. Todd, was that last word, sanctuary? Ha-ha-ha. And I said, yes, sanctuary much. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. It was sort of a joke, you know, a comical. Todd, are you crazy? Huh? I'm just through talking myself off to you when you stand there and tell me jokes. But, Mr. Kirkwood, I don't... That's the whole trouble with business today. Everybody thinks it's funny. But, Mr... You don't see me laughing, do you? I'll say so. Well, remember that. And if you can't remember it, let me remind you that there are always 10 men waiting to take over your debt. Now, get out! Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You... I was just thinking over what you said. Sanctuary much. That's very funny, Mr. Todd. It is, huh? It means I thank you very much, doesn't it? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, I didn't get it before. Hmm. Oh, I almost forgot. Your wife's on the phone with Todd. Oh, thanks. Hello, Mama. Oh, fine, fine. Just dandy. You want me to pick up the hamburger on my way home? Of course not. Well, you run along and have a good time, Mama. All right. Goodbye, dearie. Goodbye. Marriage witherbound. Hmm. I'd like to hear that one myself. Let me leave one thought with you, ladies. That behind every man's success in this world, there is a woman who was behind Napoleon. Why, Josephine, of course. And who was behind George Washington? Martha. And who was behind King Solomon? King Solomon had a great deal behind him. Oh, but seriously, though, in every man's heart, ladies, is the seed of success. Waiting. Waiting in the darkness for the sunshine of a woman's encouragement to make it flower. Thank you. Now, uh, are there any questions, ladies? Well, uh, Dr. Payne. Yes, Madam? What I want to know is, well, how exactly can I shine on my husband? No. Well, may I see you after the meeting, Madam? Now, are there any more general questions? I want to help, Wilbur, but I just don't know how to go about it. I thought maybe you could suggest something. Well, Mrs. Todd, just what seems to be the trouble with your husband? Well, now I'll tell you. In the first place. Uh, just a moment. I haven't had too much time. My train, you know. Oh, well. Mrs. Todd, have you ever thought of the value of, uh, clothes? Clothes? As an expression of personality. Oh. As an advertisement, so to speak. Oh, yeah. To tell the world exactly what we are or what we would like to be. Uh, does your husband dress well? Uh, no. Just warm. I thought so. Uh, he looks like an unsuccessful man, and so he is an unsuccessful man. Oh. He tells the world beforehand that no one is to take him too seriously, that his opinion on any matter of importance is not worth knowing. Oh, you mean if Wilbur would dress up a little, he'd get long hair. But of course, my dear lady. There's something about clothes. The right kind of clothes that keeps the man on his toes. Spiritually alert, as it were. You try it. Make him dress well, look important. And then watch him take his place in the world. Dr. Payne, I think you've got it. I won't do it. I won't wear a high hat for anybody. No, sir. Now, now, Wilbur, I don't want any nonsense. You try that hat on again and see how it looks. But a high silk hat, Mama. What do people think of me? How can I face my friends in a high silk hat? You haven't got any friends. Well, I can hope, can't I? Oh, gosh, Mama, listen. Have you decided, sir, what hat would be, please? This one here, the silk one. No, sir, I won't wear it. Wrap it up, please. Yes, but Mama, would you listen a minute? No, sir. No, I don't want anything else, sir. Anything else, sir? No. Oh, yes, there is. He wants what goes with it. You know, with the high silk hat. Oh, yes, yes, of course. The morning coat. Yes, the morning coat. And striped pants and a pair of pants. For me? And I want everything to be an expression of his personality. I'll try, madam. Emil, here. Mama, you're making a terrible mistake. This is a waste of money. This is the gentleman for our morning coat and tells us they need it. Mama, would you just be reasonable? Stand still, Wilbur. When am I going to wear this? I haven't been to a wedding in ten years. You're not going to a wedding. Well, what's the matter with this anyway? I'll... What's the matter? He tickles. Oh, cut it out, bud. Cut it out. Now listen, Mama. Now, sir, if you just step over this way, Mama, Mama, please don't let them do this to me. Wilbur, it's no use. You've got to advertise yourself, Wilbur. Oh, Dr. Payne. So I've got him to thank for this, huh? Dr. Payne is a very successful man. Well, whatever. I bet he wasn't all dressed up in a hi-hat and spat, was he? No, he wasn't. Well, there he is. But he probably is dressed up when he goes to business. Yeah, when he goes to... Mama. Mama, you don't mean that you expect me. You can't mean in the office? That hi-hat? Oh, no, Mama. No! Oh, no. Someday, Wilbur, you'll thank me for this. Oh, Mama. Granny. Granny. Did you see Mr. Todd this morning? Yeah. I saw him come in. He had on a silk hat. Yeah, and that's the stuff. He looked awful pale, didn't he? Yeah. It's too bad, all right. I sure feel sorry for him. Good morning, Todd. Oh, hello, Burke. I'm awfully sorry, Todd. Was it anyone close? Well, when's the funeral today? Oh, the funeral. Yes, the funeral. We couldn't help but notice, Todd, the clothes and all. Oh, yes. Yes, of course. And the whole force wants me to express their regret. Well, now, if there's anything we can do, don't hesitate, will you? Oh, yeah. I'm sure. Good morning, Mr. Fedegur. Good morning, Mr. Wood. Good morning, Burke. Good morning, sir. Good morning, Todd. Oh, I'm sorry, Todd. The immediate family? Well, good morning, Mr. Kirkwood. No, not very immediate. This is Todd's uncle. Oh, no. That's too bad. That's too bad. Well, now, listen, you needn't hang around, Todd. You just take the day off. Oh, but Mr. Kirkwood, that won't be necessary. Huh? Well, I mean, the noon hour will be sufficient. Nonsense. Nonsense. You ought to be home consoling Mrs. Todd. Now go on. Run along. Run along, Todd. Oh, but Mr. Kirkwood. Now you do as I say. Well, all right. Thank you. Not at all. And, oh, Todd. Yes, sir? I'm sorry, Todd. How do you do? Get all dressed up to go to work, and I think I'm going to a funeral. I've got to walk in the park all day, because I'm all dressed up. No place to go. I've got to go walking in the park. Hmm. Cut it out, sis. How's it here? You must have laughed at him, dear. He's earning his living. How does he earn his living, my love? Why, his chest lights up with a sign, dear. That's a lie. My chest does not light up, madam. Mom and his mask. Come, dear. Don't pay any attention to him. I can be crazy. Chest lights up with a sign. Hmm. Mama, he's mad. Well, who wouldn't be mad? Walking around in a park all dressed up like you're going to... It doesn't matter with the world today. I'll tell you what, it doesn't matter with the world today, gentlemen. It's the idle rich, that's what. The idle rich who walks around in high hats, inspects his long-tailed horse. Well, look who's coming. Now, get a load of that, gentlemen. Hey, you. You talking to me? Certainly I'm talking to you. Come here, buddy. Are you a waking man, buddy? Are you waking today, buddy? Well, uh, no, not today. Not today. What day, then, buddy? Well, I just was up... No day. That's what day. Take a good look at him, folks. The idle rich, bloated with fool, reekin' with champagne. Now, listen, I never bloated with champagne. Who do you think you are, buddy? Walkin' around here, floutin' your wealth in our face. I am not floutin' my... Why, get back to your limousine. This here park is for the common people. Not for the elite. Now, you wait a minute, my fine feathered friend. You can't talk to me like that. Folks, are we gonna stand for this? Get him outta here. He's a blot on the lid. It better be it, mister. What for? I haven't done anything. I got my right. Come on, folks. Give him the weight. Oh, cut it out, now. Cut it out. I mean, along. Get the idle weight. Give him the weight. Officer, I'm certainly glad to see you. I need your help, officer. Yes, sir, commissioner. Yes, sir, I know all about it, and I'll get you there right away, commissioner. Commissioner? Who's the commissioner? Just get right on the motorcycle, commissioner. Wait a minute, officer. Sir, I'm waiting for you, sir. The call went out a half an hour ago. Be on the lookout for the commissioner of parks. He's late. Get on the handlebars, commissioner. No, wait. This has gone far enough, officer. Commissioner, do you want me to lose my job? Now, please, please get on the motorcycle. But where are you taking me? To the dedication exercises of the new playground. That's where you want to go, isn't it? What new playground? I don't know anything about a new playground. Well, you're supposed to be there, sir. They've been waiting for you. They can't dedicate the playground without the commissioner of parks, you know. Listen, I am not the commissioner. Hang on, commissioner. Take it easy. Take it easy. Don't worry, commissioner. I'll have you there in no time at all. Monument to the youth of our city will stand as a great reminder that the growing boys and girls of today are the future voters of tomorrow. We must remember that this playground is... This is Macintosh. Are you sure the commissioner was no decide to be here? Of course he was. My husband telephoned him this morning to remind him. Well, is he always this late? But how should I know? I've never seen him in my life. Nobody has. Well, it was your husband who had him appointed, wasn't it? Now just a minute, Mr. Thomas. It was my husband that had you appointed, too. And if you have any complaints, make them to see him, but not to me. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Macintosh. Thomas, he's here. The commissioner will get him up here. Well, here he is, Mr. Thomas. Now, listen, officer. This is a terrible mistake. Well, commissioner, you're late. Have you got your speech ready? Speech? What speech? Well, then you'll have to make it up as you go along. Ladies and gentlemen, he has just arrived. The commissioner of parks. Go ahead, commissioner. I don't know. Go ahead. Well, all right then. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Listen, I'm not going to make a speech in this rain, Mr. Everybody's leaving anyway. All right, forget it. Just a minute, commissioner. Can we get just one picture, please? Look this way, commissioner. I wish somebody listened to me. I'm not the commissioner. Oh, Mr. Macintosh, would you get in this, please? Oh, of course. Right here? That's it. Get in the swing there. Oh, commissioner, you give Mrs. Macintosh a push. But I'm not the commissioner. There we are. Thank you. Thanks, commissioner. Now, wait, wait. My name is Todd. I'm Wilbur Todd. Is that 1-D or 2, sir? Todd. T-O-D-D. That's my name. Yes, sir. Thank you, commissioner Todd. We'll get the name right. Don't worry. Let's go along, commissioner. Oh. In fact... Oh. Just a second. What did you say your name was? Todd? Todd. With 2-D's. Then you're not Mr. Roberts, the park commissioner? Todd, lady, with 2-D's. Well, if you're not the commissioner, what are you doing here? Well, that's what I'd like to know. I'm going home. And I just dare anybody to stop me. I just dare them, that's all. Good afternoon, Todd. Oh. Why, Mr. Kirkwood. Yes. Very strange. I should happen to be at this dedication, isn't it? Yes, sir. I mean... And it's also very strange that you should be here, Todd. Mr. Kirkwood, I can explain it. I can explain everything. I'm sure you can. For shame, Todd. Why, Mr. Kirk... If you wanted a day off, why didn't you ask me? But to use the death of a dear relation as an excuse to... Oh, for shame. But my dear relation didn't die, Mr. Kirkwood. Then you lied. Yes, sir. I know, sir. If there's one thing I can't abide, it's a fiver. Todd, you're fired. Oh, sure. In just a moment, Fiver McGee and Molly will return in act two of Mama Loves Papa. One of the real problems of family abuse is that the ones who need help the most are the most afraid to get it. I'm talking about the abusers. They're afraid if they go for help, their children will be taken away from them. Let me tell you something. Help is designed to keep families together. It's doing nothing about the abuse that tears families apart. They're also afraid careers will be ruined. In fact, that's not the case. It's those who continue abusing that risk everything. The military goes to great lengths to help people solve their family abuse problems. Each medical treatment facility has its own family advocacy representative backed by a team of doctors, lawyers, nurses, social workers and psychiatrists. They work together to arrange the best program to deal with each individual problem. They're more than help. They're a whole new chance. If you or someone you know has an abuse problem, contact the family advocacy representative at your medical treatment facility. And now your host returns to the microphone. Act two of Mama Loves Papa starring Fibre McGee as Wilbur Todd and Molly as Jesse Todd. Brightened early the following morning, the newspapers appear on the streets of Grenville. On page one under the title Upsy Daisy is a photograph of one Wilbur Todd, a tired and silk head and fat, engaged in pushing a swing. On the swing is pictured Mrs. Franklin Avery McIntosh. The photograph and the story make very interesting reading, especially for Mr. McIntosh. Upsy Daisy. Park Commissioner Wilbur Todd makes merry with Mrs. Franklin Avery McIntosh at opening of new playground. Mr. Wilbur Todd, unknown before yesterday afternoon, popped up suddenly as our new Commissioner of Public Park. Who is this rabbit anyway? I never saw him before. Now don't get all excited. His name is Todd. Yes, yes, I can see that, but who is he? Who is he? Where was Robert? Your very obedient Commissioner Robert's darling never showed up. Oh, he didn't show up, huh? No word, no excuse. And suddenly, there was Todd. Yes, popped out of nowhere to give you a push in the swing, huh? Oh, don't be ridiculous. I hope you're not going to be jealous of a simpleton like that. Jealous? Now listen, Gladys, there's more than jealousy involved here. Don't you realize what this story does? No, I don't. All right, then let me explain. Do you know those pretty gowns and fur coats that you're so fond of? Do you know how I get them my sweet? I sell furniture and playground equipment to our fair city. And the only reason I can sell to our fair city is that I have enough influence at the city hall to appoint my own Commissioner. Oh, shut up! Shut up, shut up. That's all you can say. Talk to me if I was a child. Oh, maybe you are. If you're such a wizard at politics, why don't you appoint a Commissioner with brains? Because I don't want anybody with brains. Brains are a drug on the market. What I want is a moron. Well, you've certainly got one in Roberts. Oh, Roberts, Roberts is through. I couldn't keep him in the job now if I wanted to. Not after this mess. Well, then appoint a new one. Sure, sure, appoint a new one. Just like that. Well, the newspapers have done that for me. Wilbert Todd, our new Commissioner of Public Parks. Wilbert Todd makes merry with Mrs. Franklin Avery... Hey, hey, wait a minute. Glad it's this Todd person. What was he like? I told you, he looks like a radio comedian. A died-in-the-world dope. Yes, yes, yes, but what does he do? Well, from what I could understand from the guy who was boiling him out, he's now unemployed. Oh, he is, huh? Well, well. Hello? Hello, Reed? Get me the city hall. See, danger. Commissioner Wilbert Todd makes merry with Mrs. Franklin Avery Macintosh at opening. Oh, Mama, stop it. Well, you've read that thing 20 times. And I'm still trying to understand it. And I'm still trying to understand why you're not going to work this morning. I told you, Mama. I was fired. Why? Look, Mama, it all started yesterday morning when I... Well, when I left the office to go to the funeral. Whose funeral? Well, your uncle's funeral. My uncle's funeral? That man never had a sick day in his life, and yesterday you went to his funeral. But I didn't go. Well, how could you? He isn't dead. Oh, Mama, let's start all over again. You got me all dressed up yesterday morning. Not to go to a funeral. That's what you think. I never mentioned my uncle. Not a word. Did I tell you my uncle was dead? Did I? No, Mama. Well, heavenly days, who did tell you? The boss. The boss. The boss told you that my uncle was dead. Oh, Mama, skip it, skip it. Nobody died. I didn't go to the funeral. I went in and out in the park to take a walk. Now we're getting someplace. Go on. And the next thing you know, that woman said my chest lit up. Ah, chest lit up. Go on, Wilbur. Well, then there was that other fellow I had to run away from, because he told everybody I was loaded with food and licking with champagne. Ah, champagne. And when the cop put me on the handlebars, well, I didn't know what to say. Wilbur, it's all very plain. Well, that's good. I got you all dressed up yesterday to try to make a success out of you. And you went out and got drunk. Mama, I didn't get drunk. I didn't. Oh, it's no use, Wilbur. I can smell it on you right now. Mama, how can I prove it to you? Tell me how, Mama. I'm sorry, Wilbur, but you're a great disappointment to me. There's the door. I'll answer it. No, don't try to get up. I'll do it myself. You'd probably fall flat on your face. What is it, please? Good morning. Mrs. Todd here. Yes, he is. Who wants him? Well, we're from the city hall. The city hall? Right in, gentlemen. Wilbur! Wilbur, the city hall is in! There you are, Mama. There, I guess this will prove it to you. They want me for impersonating a commissioner. Mrs. Todd? What, bud? I'll go quietly. Oh, Wilbur! I have a little paper here. Ah, yes. No all men by these presents. Well, that won't be necessary. Just don't put the cuffs on me that long. Oh, Wilbur! One moment, please. By these presents, that by the power invested in me with the people of Glenville, I do hereby decree as of this date written that Wilbur Todd be appointed commissioner of Public Park. Commissioner of Mama! No, of Public Park. Wilbur, a public man! Congratulations, Mr. Todd. Mama, what you said about me falling on my... Yes, Wilbur. It looks like you were right. Ah. Step right in the office, Mr. Todd. Boys, boys! I want you to meet our new commissioner. Commissioner Todd, the boy. Hi, boys! How do you do? How do you do? Have a cigar, commissioner. Oh, go on. Take two. And here's our good friend, Frank McIntosh, the man that you and the city have to thank for your appointment. How are you, commissioner? Hi, bud. I hope I'll be able to justify the faith you've placed in me. Well, of course you will. Well, boys, suppose we run along. Oh, wait. Don't let me put you out of your office. My office? Commissioner, this is your office. It is? Mm-hmm. Leather, chairs, and everything. Well, say, I... Well, look, any time many of you fellas want to use a phone, just come in here. I seem to have three of them. Go on, commissioner. Well, Todd, how are you going to like public life? Well, I... I don't know what to say about all this. I never been a big shot before. You'll get used to it. Oh, have a cigar? Go ahead. Go ahead. Well, Todd, if you're the smart man I think you are, you'll go far down here. You know, you look like a man interested in little kitties. Oh, yes, yes, I am. I'm very fond of kitties. They're so... so full of youth, I guess. Well, I'm fond of them myself. I like to see them get lots of fresh air, lots of play. You know, Bill Young America. Yes, indeed. They've manufactured playground equipment. Oh, is that so? Yes, been filling the city's orders for years. Oh, by the way, did you know Robert? Robert? Yes, he had this job before you, but he bought equipment from another company. He got it cheaper, but the stuff's no good. Now, my price is high, but so is my quality. You understand? Oh, high quality. Sure, sure. I understand, Mr. McIntosh. Oh, be frank. Okay, Frank. My name's Wilbur. Oh, God. Well, Todd, any time I can give any help to you, just call on me. Oh, by the way, here's a little paper, you might sign. An order for some new equipment. Nothing important, just a few thousand dollars. Oh, a few thousand, eh? Sounds reasonable. I'll look it over. You'll look it... Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Well, so long, Todd. So long, Frank. I don't know how to thank you for all this. Thank Mrs. McIntosh. He's the one. Mrs. McIntosh? Yes, he says you sure push a mean swing. Oh, God, you say that. That was funny, wasn't it? Yeah. Oh, by the way, are you married, Todd? Yes, sir. I certainly am. To the sweetest little woman in the world. Fine. Well, why don't you two come over to my place this weekend? We've got some people coming, the right people. You know nothing like meeting the right people. Oh, that'd be wonderful. Good. We'll look for you. Well, so long, Todd. So long, Frank. Oh, wait. Yes? Have a cigar. Hello, is this you, Mama? Listen, Mama, I don't think I'll be able to get home for dinner tonight. Do you mind? I gotta see the boys about something. I'm awfully sorry, Mama. Hello, is this you, Mama? Well, this is Wilbur. Won't be able to make it for dinner tonight, Mama. Gotta see the mayor. Pretty important. Don't wait up. Oh, yes, I know. You've got to see the governor this time, I suppose. Oh, all right, Wilbur. No, I'm not mad. I'm just... All right, Wilbur. Goodbye. All right, Mama. The west side playground. And it's all mine. I always had an idea it belonged to the city. Oh, well, you know what I mean. Me being the commissioner and all, it's like a dream, isn't it? Well, it has its point. It's nice you being a public official and all, and plenty of money for his change. You mean plenty of money instead of change? How am I doing, Mama? You're improving, Wilbur. Slow, but sure. All right, sir. All right. Brute this to home and have it fixed. It hurts. It hurts. Hey, something must have happened. Oh, that little lad has a cut knee. Now, now, avoid it, Johnny. You take him home, will you? No, attendant. Attendant. Oh, good morning, commissioner. Something happened to that kid? Oh, yes, sir. Cesar broke and cut his leg open. Oh, say that's bad. Does that kind of thing happen often? Well, not here, but over in East Park last month, there were four accidents. One pretty serious. It's faulty material, commissioner. Oh, no, no, no. That's impossible. Why, his stuff has quality. He said so himself. Well, it might have had quality once, sir, but, oh, well, good morning, sir. Mama, did you hear that? I thought you told me there was new equipment being bought all the time. There is. Must be a mistake someplace. You know, when we go over to Macintosh's party, I think I'll ask him about this. Don't look now, darling, but the Macintoshes are inviting the most to kill your people. Who is she? Oh, you mean the one in the dress? Well, if you can call it that. Well, don't laugh, but that's the park commissioner's wife. No, careful. Excuse me, but have you seen my husband? No, I'm afraid I haven't. Come on, Janice. Nice friendly people around here. Oh, I beg your pardon, madam. Yes? I'm looking for my husband. Well, I'm sure I'm not hiding him. Isn't it wonderful how men can hide away and talk business all night? Yes, isn't it? Of course, I guess my husband's pretty busy with Mr. Macintosh's. My husband's a public official. Hmm, how interesting. What does your husband do? Oh, he's still governor of the state. Ah, good night. Good night. Gladys. Gladys. Well? Come over here. Listen, I'm having trouble with that Todd person. Again? I've been asking a lot of fool questions about the equipment we delivered months ago, and I don't like it. And he's got an order in his pocket. He's been carrying around ever since I had him appointed. Now I want that order signed. Tonight. Oh, what's the big rush? Oh, darling. Do as I say. Get him to sign that thing, and I'll have him where I want him. He won't be able to open his mouth then. Well, what am I? A magician? How can I make him sign anything? Oh, Gladys. Please, for the sake of that new bracelet you've been asking for. Oh, all right. Well, thank heaven. There he is. Go ahead and good luck. Oh, Mr. Todd. Mr. Todd. Good evening, Mrs. McIntosh. All alone, Mr. Todd? No, I'm just looking for Mama. I mean my wife. Oh, I'm sure she's all right. Come and have some champagne. Champagne? Oh, I don't usually indulge in... Oh, but you will with me, won't you? Well, I... I guess. Well... Come on, Mr. Todd. We'll find a nice quiet spot. All by ourselves. But it's no more. Then, uh, what about that paper thing? You know... Paper thing? Oh, you know the thing you were going to sign. Oh, the thing I was... Let's talk some more about that. Oh, no, no. No more talk. No more talk, Mrs. McIntosh? Oh, call me Gladys. Call me Todd. Todd! What? Oh, that's a cute name. Yeah. Hey, uh, I'm getting sleepy. How do you spell it? Sleepy? No, Todd. How do you spell it? Oh. It's T-O-O-Double. Well, uh, write it down and let me see. No pen. Oh, I got one. Here. No paper. Oh. Uh, maybe you got some in your pocket. Pocket? Oh, yeah. What's that? Paper. Now, write. Spell out your name and let me see. Huh? Where? Right there. Down there. Want a medal for fellowship once? No. Sure. Power method. Oh. Watch this. I got curly cues on the end. Don't be a lie. Curly cues. Oh, that's wonderful. Go on. Capital T-O-D-D. Curly cues. How's that? Oh, Todd, it's beautiful. Can I keep it? Sure. You know what? I'm sleepy. I could go to sleep, right? I could go to sleep. Oh. Excuse me. I didn't... Oh. Oh, uh, come in, Mrs. Todd. I'm afraid your husband is rather tired. Yes, he certainly looks it. He's a charming man. You ought to take better care of him. My head. Put this ice bag on. Oh. What time is it? Three o'clock in the morning. Three o'clock? How do we get home? We didn't hitchhike. I wouldn't know. I could only remember what happened. Isn't it terrible, Mama? I can't remember. No, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. What do you mean by that? It's not your fault, Wilbur. It's mine. I just don't fit into your high spirit. What are you talking about, Mama? Well, Dr. Payne says that a wife has got to be a help to her husband. If she isn't that, then she isn't anything. I thought I was doing such a wonderful thing when I tried to make you over. Well, I've made you over and I've put you out of my class. I can't help you now, Wilbur, so I'm just getting out. Oh, no. You can't. You can't do that. I won't make any fuss or scandal. I'll just leave. Oh, but Mama... Then you can go on and be a success without me hampering it. But Mama, I wouldn't know what to do without you hampering me, Mama. I'm sorry, Wilbur. My mind's made up and you know me when I make up my mind. Does your head feel any better, dearie? I don't know. It'll be all right in the morning. Good night, Wilbur. All right. In just a few moments, our stars, Deborah McGee and Molly, will return in Act 3 of Mama Loves Papa. The next time you get a letter, a package, or your favorite magazine in the mail, stop and consider for a moment how far it had to travel and how many people were involved in the process. Your military postal service and cooperation with the U.S. Postal Service moves mail from the United States all over the world, serving the four branches of the armed forces in over 70 countries, guiding your mail through the most economical and efficient system possible. No matter how far your mail travels, it costs the same as domestic U.S. postal rates. Your mail is transported in the most expeditious means possible, including ship, commercial, and military airlift, train, truck, helicopter, and jeep. If you have good ideas on how to move it, route it, or process it faster, the military postal service wants to hear your suggestion, because it's your mail. The people in the military postal service know their job is important because they know your mail is important to you, wherever you are stationed. The military postal service, bringing the whole world closer to you. And now, your host, Frank Brezee, returns to the microphone. Act 3 of Mama Loves Papa, starring Fever McGee and Molly. It's said that troubles never come sinkly, but in series of three. Wilbert Todd has become involved with Mr. McIntosh, number one. His good wife, Jesse, is on the verge of leaving him, number two. And now to the mayor's office comes misfortune number three, in the person of the citizens' committee. I tell you, Mr. Mayor, the graft in this city must end. We have the press behind us, the voters, and the majority of our public officials. But nothing can be done unless we attack the evil at its source. A mere handful of grasping politicians who have a stranglehold in our city's finance. Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. I needn't tell you that you have my whole heart at support. But you can't expect me to take action on every city official in the hopes of punishing the few guilty ones. I must have names. Mr. Mayor, we have the names. Just look at this list. At the top stands Mr. Franklin McIntosh. And here below are the men and his pay. Men, he's had appointed to influential positions in order to milk the budget down to the last dollar. Mr. Mayor, this committee demands the immediate arrest of every person on this list. Gentlemen, we'll take action at once. Mama, won't you think it over? Please, Mommy, you can't walk out on me like this. What's the use of talking, Wilbur? We went all over this last night. Look, Mama, I'll give up my job as commissioner. I'll find something else. I never wanted to be a big shot anyway. You can't do that. I won't let you. I always knew you had it in you, Wilbur. It just took a little coaxing to bring it out, that's all. And someday, Wilbur, you're going to be a big man in this town. I can feel it coming now, and I'm not going to interfere. Tell me that, Griff, dearie. Mama, you wouldn't interfere. You could be a big woman. No, no, not me. I'd only hold you back. And I want you to get everything that's coming to you. I'll get it. Yes? Good morning. We're from the city hall. Come in, please. Thanks. Wilbur, they're from the city hall. Oh, I can't bother with that now. I'm not coming down this morning, boys. Oh, no? No. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Todd, but... Well, so am I. Just let me alone, boys. I'm in trouble. Well, he says he's in trouble, Joe. Yeah. Yeah, and I'll beat it, boys. Scram. Sure, sure. You better get the cuffs, Joe. All set. Hey, what do you mean cuffs? What is this? Oh, it's very simple. Todd, you're under arrest. Arrest? Wilbur, what have you done? Got a Mac. Hey, let me alone. Come on, Todd. Oh, Wilbur. Oh, Wilbur. Listen, what is this? I haven't done anything. Of course not. Of course not. Oh, Mama, don't cry. This is a mistake, that's all. Oh, Wilbur. They can't put me in jail. They can't do it, Mama. They don't dare put me in jail. Shut up. Pipe down. Okay, Sid. Here's your man. Hello, commissioner. Who are you? Sid, the name. Just call me Sid. Open up here, officer. What do you want? I come down to get you out. You're a free man, commissioner. Oh, I am, huh? Well, sure. You don't think Mr. McIntosh will let you stay in jail? No, sir. I got a writ for you. Oh, boy. That's quick work. When you're one of the boys, it's always quick work. Come on, commissioner. Mr. McIntosh wants to see you. Oh, he does, eh? Well, that's fine, because I want to see Mr. McIntosh. Gentlemen, no casualties, I hope. There you are, Mr. McIntosh. Just a little mistake, boys. That's all. The citizens' committee got a little overambitious. These things happen every once in a while, but it'll all blow over. As long as we all stick together, gentlemen, they can't prove a thing. No, sir. Here's the last one, Mr. McIntosh. The commissioner himself. Well, come in, Todd. Come in. I'm glad to see you. I want to speak to you, Mr. McIntosh. Sure, sure. Have a cigar? I don't smoke. Listen, do you know where I was? I was just in jail. No. Well, that happens to the best of us, Todd. It happened to most of us this morning. Sure, but here we all are. Oh, have a drink? I don't drink either, and I want to know what this is all about. Now, look, Todd, you're a big boy now. There isn't really any Santa Claus, you know, except me. I've been St. Nick to the boys here for a long time. Oh, I get it. What? Well, you're nothing but a bunch of crooks. Now, you take it easy, Todd. You got me this commissioner's job so you could put over some more funny deals. What are you talking about more funny deals? Oh, I know. I may look pretty dumb, but I know how to read. You've been selling a lot of playground stuff to the city, and all they've got to show for it is bill. Well... The equipment in the playground is just the same. It has been the same for the last seven years. Not one piece of that new equipment was ever delivered. So what? Well, you're not going to get away with it. That's so what. I'll expose you and your friends, and they'll run you out of town. On a rail. That's what. Fine, and you'll be right there with us, Todd. You know that, I suppose. I haven't done anything. You gave me an order, commissioner, or don't you remember last night? Last night? I don't remember anything about last night. All right, then just take my word for it. You're all sewed up in this deal, commissioner, and you'll string along or land in jail. And this time, I'll forget to then sit down with a ret. All right, Mr. McIntosh. I guess you've got me where you want me. Well... So maybe I'll just have to land in that jail. What? Now don't be a fool, Todd. Mr. McIntosh, I'm not cut out for this, and I can't argue with you. I'm just an ordinary small-timer without too much brains. But I've got what you might call a conscience. Oh, look. You're not just fooling around with politics. You're fooling around with the health and the safety of little kid. Well, you... Now maybe I can stay out of jail all right by stringing along with you, but I'm not going to stay out of jail if it means sending some kid to the hospital. All right. Now you just go ahead and do your work to me, because that's what I'm going to do to you. She's gone. No, I'm not, Wilbur. Oh, you're still here, huh? I've been waiting for you. I couldn't leave without... Well, while you were in jail, you got out all right, huh? Well, I'm out now, but something tells me it's just a temporary arrangement. What happened, Wilbur? I gave that Mr. McIntosh a piece of my mind. I told him off all right, him and his whole crowd. They're crooks, Mama. No. Sure. There it is in the paper, see? Oh, but why you're here, too? Oh, yeah, I'm all over it. Wilbur, what's going to happen now? Well, first of all, I resigned. You mean you have no job? I haven't got anything. Well, I guess I was born to be a failure. You'll be better off without me, Mama. Oh, now wait. You just sit down there and rest. What you need is a nice hot cup of coffee. But, Mama, don't you have to catch a train or something? What train? But you said you... Now don't argue. You're just tired and hungry. I'll go see what's in the icebox. Mama. What? They're here, Mama. They've come to get me. Oh, don't worry. I'll wait for you, Wilbur, if it's 20 years. Open up here! Open up here! Open up! Goodbye, Mama. Goodbye, Wilbur. Come to see me in jail, will you? Yes, will I bring you some nice cigars? I don't smoke, Mama. Mr. Todd here. Yes, he is. All right, gentlemen, here. Hey! Say, what? Mr. Mayor! Evening, Mr. Todd. Just a little expression of appreciation for the citizen's brother, Glendale. You've done a fine job, Mr. Todd. We'll have every one of those cooks in jail the morning. But what about Wilbur? Mr. Todd, your husband is a public-spirited citizen numbing for one. Oh! Mama, it's a dream! Wake me up! Todd! Todd! Oh, thank you, old rascal, you! Mr. Kirkwood! Wonderful work, Todd. Wonderful! That was a brilliant idea of yours. What idea, Mr. Kirkwood? Why, getting in with those crooks just so we could expose them. A regular undercover man, eh, Todd? Undercover man? Sure, sure. Oh, yeah! Yeah, sure. And listen, Todd, if you're not going to be too busy, I've got a job waiting for you. The manager ship of the Kirkwood furniture company. Manager? Mama, did you hear? Now I always knew you'd be a big man, Wilbur. Oh, wait. Mr. Kirkwood, I don't want it. Huh? Just give me back my desk and my old job. That's all. Anything you say, Todd? Beep! Beep! Beep! What am I saying? Go ahead, Wilbur. Go ahead. My dear fellow citizen, all I got to say is, thank you very much. And Jim, I'd like to join everybody in the entertainment world in congratulating you on your birthday last month and your 65th year in show business. You go on for another 65 years. Oh, thanks. It's awful nice to old people, but I can't do that. Ain't that many new jokes? Good night. For another production of the Radio Theatre, this is Frank Brzee saying, good night to you from Hollywood.