 The Great Gilder Sleeves A special rebroadcast for all you soldiers, sailors, and Marines of the United Nations. Listen to another amazing episode in the life of the Great Gilder Sleeves. Great Gilder Sleeves. How goes it with our hero at the end of a long, hot summer? Well, we find him sitting in his shirt sleeves on the front porch of his home in Summerfield, quietly perspiring. He's alone, with Birdie on her vacation, his nephew Leroy at camp, his niece Marjorie, visiting friends. And so, having eaten an inadequate supper prepared by himself and feeling the need for human companionship, he sees his old friend Judge Hooker going by and calls out to him. Hi, Judge, where are you going? Hi, Gilder. Not for you. Sit down, Judge. Take a chair. Have a cigar. No, thanks, Gilder. I've got to be running along. Oh, you haven't got to be anywhere. I'm sorry. I have an engagement with a baby. Oh, Horace, listen. Stick around. Will you tell me what I'll do? I'll play cribby's with you. And you know how I hate to play cribby? Yeah, I know. Fortunately, I'm going to call on a lady who enjoys playing cribby. That's how. Oh, Horace, wait a minute. What is it? I'm late now. How would it be if I went along with you? Oh, no, you don't. You spend your evening and I'll spend mine. But never the twain shall meet. Bye, Gilder. All right, you old goat. You'll be sorry. What a town. Try to stir up a little sociability and you get no place. People are just obstinate. If I was trying to spend a quiet evening by myself, they'd beat down my door. Just let me try to... Oh, hello, Dr. Petty Boone. Gildersley, how have you been? Hey, Doc, how about coming over for a little while? Maybe we could play some two-handed poker or something. Oh, dear. Well, can't you tell her that I'm sick? Oh, well, I see. Well, some other time then. So long, Doc. Well, you old coot. I give up. I guess I'll just have to read my book. Well, where is it? I had it here. Who took mine? Oh, here it is. Or somebody had to lose my place. Uh-huh. Yeah, Petty Boone's just like all the rest. He's got him tied to her apron strings. Why, George, you'll never catch me with an apron string. A year ago, maybe. Two years ago. But not now. I've learned my lesson. Yes, sir. Oh, Doc, he has to sit there. Yes, dear. Yes, dear. All evening long, in one ear and out the other. No, sir, not for me. Not for yours, Cooley. I have the whole place to myself here. I can sit down, be comfortable, quiet. Spend the evening with a good book. One more evening with a good book and I'll go nuts! Uh, I shouldn't have done that. Well, why not? It's my house, isn't it? I live here, don't I? I can throw things who I want. Never did like that picture anyway. Oh, doorbell. Who could that be? Well, go and see. It never mind, I- What am I saying? Coming! Be right there. Don't go away. Well, I'll be. Well, hello. I mean, come in. I'll show you lie down and I'll sit myself. I'll just run over and say hello to Frostmartin and tell him I'm back. Well, I'm glad you did. Come on in. You're letting in the mosquitoes. Well, just for me. Come on in the living room. I've got a fan going there. You have a nice summer? Oh, I've had a wonderful time. What about you? Oh, so-and-so. Have you seen Miss Goodwin, maybe? No. I haven't seen her all summer. She hasn't seen me either. That's all over. The whole thing was a mistake, Lila. We found that out. I would show you would eventually. We're still good friends, naturally. Naturally? I suppose you've fallen in love with a dozen different girls since I've been away? Nope. Been too hot. All I've done, Lila, is sit here in front of the fan, all by myself, night after night. You poor boy. That's why I'm so glad you're back. You really are glad. Are you not just saying that? Gosh, I'd be glad to see anybody. You do pay a jail of prettiest compliments. I didn't mean it that way, Lila. Gosh, I've been all alone here these last two weeks. Nobody to talk to, nobody to cook any meals for me. Poor child. I've been lonesome. I know just how you feel, because I've been lonesome, too. You? Well, I thought you were off there having a good time. I did a wonderful time, just party after party, and such attractive men. There was an officer's training camp right nearby, where you can imagine, I must have had a hundred proposals if I had one. But I don't know, somehow I wanted to get back. Silly of me, wasn't it? I don't know. I guess it's just that there are some things that mean more to me than parties and dying things. Yeah, me too. I haven't had a square meal in two weeks. Oh, Strogmont, you haven't changed the bed. I'll tell you what, I'll go out in the kitchen and cook you up a little snack right now. Would you like that? Well, sure, only. We'll have a little party, just the two of us. A party celebrating my return. Great. Now, you just sit here and be comfortable, and I'll go out and... Uh, Lila. Yes? Uh, maybe you better not go out there. The kitchen, I mean. It sort of got away from me. I might find a few dirty dishes stacked up. Oh, now, don't you worry about the dishes, Strogmont, and dishes are woman's work. Well, that's what I've always said. Say, you weren't thinking of doing them. Of course, I'll go to gay parties and have all these proposals behind some offices and all. I can be practical too. Uh, Lila. You know, you need someone to take care of you, Strogmont, and you really do. Oh, I declare yours helpless as a child. Now, you just enjoy yourself while I... Uh, Lila. Yes? There's something I feel I ought to say to you. I've done quite a lot of thinking these last two weeks while I've been alone here. There hasn't been anything else to do. I've been thinking too, Strogmont. I've done a lot of thinking, and I've come to a conclusion, Lila. Yes? I've decided that I am the type of man who ought never to marry. Well, really, I... I think it's only fair to tell you this. I've decided that women are not for me. Well, that's a coincidence. Because I've just decided the same thing about men. Really? Well, that's fine. Then we both... Particularly you, Mr. Gildesley. Huh? Wait, Lila. You're not mad, are you? It's just why should I be mad? Well, then why are you going? That's all. I only run over to say hello. I know, but... Now that I've said it, I'll say goodbye. Lila, don't go. Don't leave me alone here. What about the dishes? I mean about our party. What did I do? What did I say? I give up. Now what? Nothing to do, I guess, would go to bed. Just the same, I was right about women. Life is too short. I don't know why women can't be more like men. Oh, well, forget it. Oh, brother, look at that bed. Well, there's no use making it now. The sooner I'm in it, the sooner I'll forget it. No pajamas. You think a man could at least have some pajamas? Oh, well, don't mind me. I'm nobody. I just pay the bills around here. That's all. Bed. Why did I ever leave it? What did I ever get up for? Garnes, did you ever... That's better. No, the other one. Gosh, I ought to have these pants pressed. All right, so I ought to have them pressed. I can't do everything, can I? Oh, shut up and go to bed, Gail, to sleep. Turn out the light and go to sleep. Bed. I forgot to brush my teeth. Oh, well, who'll know? Yes, sir. Tomorrow the children will be home. Well, I'd be glad. Little Marjorie, the sweet, so understanding. Little Leroy. Bless them both. What's a home without children? Just an empty house. No childish voices to welcome your home at night. No patter of little teeth. I was trying to be a better uncle to them. I must be more patient. More patient. I'll try to spend more time with them. Try to remember when I was a child. At winter, I get up at night and dress by yellow candlelight. In summer, quite the other way, I have to go to bed by day. I have to go to bed and see the birds still hopping on the tree. Birds still hopping on the tree. Birds still hopping. Birds. Let me have your suitcase. Well, thank you, Mr. Gillespie. Take off your hat and stay awhile. Bye, George. I don't know which I missed the worst. You are the children. Hey, the children home yet? No, but they're coming today. Happy little family all together again. Yes, sir, that's nice. I'm really glad I missed you too, Mr. Gillespie. Yes, sir, I'm so glad to be back. I'm going to get my apron on and fix your real breakfast. Good old birdie. Yes, sir. Show him nice of me home again. All right, what's this making? Oh, what's the matter in here? What's the matter, birdie? Mr. Gillespie bought himself a dish. Oh, I'm sorry, birdie. I was going to wash him today. You are? I am. Wash him, birdie. I'll do anything for a square meal. Huh? I've been too weak to wash dishes. I've been undernourished, birdie. I'm suffering from malnutrition. He's got no shortness, Gillespie. Yeah, rickets, rickets. How'd you like some orange juice and some scrambled eggs and crisp bacon and some toast and coffee? Oh, I'd love it, birdie. But I'm afraid to look in the icebox. Mmm, no bacon. It's nothing to laugh at, birdie. The icebox is as empty as Mother Hubbard's cupboard. Oh, I knew it would be Mr. Gillespie. What do you think I've got in this big sack here? Oh, birdie. Oh, yes, P.D., it certainly is. But I don't care. All right, can I have for example, a ginger egg? Yes, I would. It's plenty of ice. You'll have to rush it though, P.D. I've got to meet the noon bus on the corner. Oh, you can see it from the window. Uh, Leeroy coming in? Yep. Just think, P.D., the first time a little fellow's been away. Two whole weeks. I'll bet he's been home sick. Leeroy? Oh, yeah, but it'll do him good. These camps are a fine thing for boys, P.D. Yeah, of course, though. Here's your ginger egg. Thanks. What do you mean you're supposed to? Why, a good camp gives a boy wonderful training. It teaches him how to live in the woods. Yeah, I guess that's useful as a boy's thing to live in the woods. That's got nothing to do with it, P.D. The idea is to make the boys healthy, self-reliant, all that stuff. Here comes the bus. How much do I owe you? Not a big deal. I'll pay you later. Bye, George. He's a great kid. Well, he certainly got himself a sunburn. My goodness, that's a terrible burn. Why, that's Leeroy. What's the matter with your face? Boys, I know. You think my face is bad. You ought to see my stomach. That's terrible, my boy. Is it painful? No, just itchy. Who's the heck? Those are the great kids. Huh? You come right into P.B.'s and get some Callum and Lotion on your face. I don't need it, honestly. Can't stop yourself. Never mind that. Come on in here and get yourself fixed up. Yeah, I see. Looks to me like you've got a bad case of poison. Oh, please, Leeroy. Well, those are the bikes, kid. Bottle of Callum and Lotion, I think that's the other thing. If you please, P.D. Well, Leeroy, I suppose you're hungry, aren't you? Well, boy, am I. No grub from six o'clock this morning. Oh, yes, God. Well, let's go home. Birdie's got a nice lunch for you. He may do it. Here you are, Mr. Geller, please. Just apply it liberally to the infected part. That'll be 55... er, 65, which is ginger ale. Oh, yes. Here. Goodbye, P.B. Here you are, Mr. Geller, please. Here you are, Leeroy. Come on, Doc. Peter and I love some everything. Shoot the actual grease, will you, Uncle? Yes. What are you talking about? Actual grease is butter. Cats are blood at the same time. Blood? Well, that's what we call cats of the camp, blood. Leeroy, you're not at camp any longer. Kindly remember that. Okay. Well, how does it seem to get home, my boy? Doesn't seem like the old place has changed much. No, I guess it has. But aren't you a little bit glad to be back? Yeah, sure, it's okay. Say, I better be getting over to Piggy. She's probably expecting me. Leeroy, aren't you going to wait and say hello to Marjorie? She ought to be here very soon. But Piggy's expecting me right this minute. Pig doesn't even know you're home. Well, how's he going to find out if I don't go over and tell him? I'll see Marjorie when I get back. Leeroy. I think it would be nice, young man, if you waited and said hello to your sister. You like your sister, don't you? I don't know. Will you say hello to her anyway? Oh, ye gods, don't everybody keep asking me when she's going to get here. I don't know. She was supposed to be here by two o'clock. I'm sorry, Mr. guilty. I was only asking. I'm sorry, Birdie. I shouldn't talk like that. It's just... Well, I'm darn glad to see you all. I got upset, I guess. Come on, Leeroy. Cheer up. I don't know what Piggy's going to think. He'll be just as glad to see you tomorrow. Can I call him up? No. Why not? Because if you call him up, he'll come over. I think it would be nice if we had the first evening to ourselves. Just a family. You think I was a prisoner here or something? Gosh, it can't. They let you do anything you want to. Well, you're not a camp. You're telling me. Yes. No, Leeroy. We mustn't get into an argument, my boy. After all, we haven't seen each other for two weeks. Let's be pals, shall we, huh? Can you tell Mr. guilty? What? There's a car pulled up in the front. Oh, it's her, all right. It's Marjorie. Let's all go and meet her. Come on, Leeroy. Get her back. I'll get her. It's good to have you home, my dear. Open the door, will you, Birdie? Hi. Leeroy just got back this morning. Is that Leeroy? Aren't you going to say hello to your sister? Leeroy. Her heaven's sake. What have you got all over you? Leprosy. How about a kiss? Touch me. No, no, my dear. It's only Poison Oak. Leeroy and behavior itself. I see the camp hasn't improved its manners, any. How can I guess? Well, you asked for it. Young man, are you ready for dinner? I'll say. Yeah, let me see your hands. Leeroy. The camp said not to get any water on it. He said water is very bad. If you're very careful, you can at least scrub your nails. Go and do something. What the doctor said? I don't care what the doctor said. I'll take full responsibility. Okay. Well, my dear, did you have a good time? Oh, Uncle Mort, it was wonderful. You should see the Benson's house. It's just beautiful. I always thought their house here in Summerfield was a little pretentious. Oh, their new house is much nicer than that. Much. And they have two maids. We have a maid. But they have an upstairs maid and downstairs maid. And in the morning, you can have breakfast in bed if you want to. I'm opposed to breakfast in bed. It encourages laziness. Oh, you'd love it. You know you would. We had breakfast in bed every morning, Barbie and I. We had more fun. All we did was laugh together. Uncle Phil called us the Giggly Twins. Uncle Phil? Mr. Benson, he asked me to call him Uncle Phil. He did. And he took us out to dinner several times at the Country Club. Country Club. And Barbie and I went to the most wonderful dance fair. I don't know. The boys there aren't like the Summerfield boys. They seem more grown up. What's the matter with the Summerfield boys? I think they're a pretty manly lot, myself. Oh, Uncle Mort, really? You'd ever seen any others? If I'd ever seen some. But anyway, we had more fun. One day we were... Well, that's fine. That's fine, my dear. But aren't you really kind of glad to get home? Well, I'm glad to see you again, naturally. And Barbie. And Leigh Roy, I guess. Well, I certainly miss you, my dear. It doesn't seem like home here without you. I can tell you that. You know, I've been thinking, Uncle Mort. Couldn't we sort of fix this place up a little? What's the matter with this place? I had it painted just last year. I know, but it looks just the way it did before it was painted. And the furniture. The couch is practically brand new. But it's just like the old one. Well, this is no time to be buying furniture. There's a war on. Besides, I don't see anything wrong with it. I like it. Anything else you'd like to see changed around here? Well, since you bring it up. Um, Uncle Darling, you have to go around into spenders. Can you suggest a better way to hold up my pants? It's not that, but couldn't you wear a jacket? In this weather? At least to dinner. Yes, yes. I suppose so. And Leroy. We've got to do something about Leroy. His manners, really. I'd be embarrassed to have the Benson's meeting. Well, he could be a little smoother. Leroy, I suppose you go upstairs and put on a necktie. Necktie? You kid. I'm not kidding. You see me putting on my jacket, do you not? What is this? We're trying, my boy, to show your sister that we're not cannibals here. We'd like her to believe that we know how to behave just as well as the Benson's. Mr. Benson! Yes, Bertie? The grub is on. Come and get it. Oh! Shall we go to the dinner, my dear? All right, you may clear the table, Bertie. We're finished. Leroy, where are you going? I don't know. You're not going to Piggies, and that's final. Okay. What do you say we go to the movie? Sister, you've got a deal. How about it, Mom? Well, I thought it'd be nice if we just spent the evening here. You want to watch? Well, just having fun, enjoying one another. After all, this is the first time we've been together, the two weeks. You want us to just sit here? No, we don't have to just sit. We can play games. We went to the movies all the time at the Benson's. You don't have to go tonight. I know. Why don't Marge and I go once, and you can stay home if you're tired? I'm not tired. I'm just sick and tired of hearing about the Benson's, that's all. The Benson's happen to be very nice people. I don't doubt it. I just don't want to hear about it, that's all. Very well. I don't know what kind of ideas I've been putting in your head, but by George, where are you going, young lady? Well, I'm certainly not going to sit here and listen to remarks about my friends. Now, just a minute. If you have any form of entertainment, suppose kindly let me know. Otherwise, I'm going out. Oh, no you're not. I'll tell you where you're going. You're going to bed. Now, Uncle Mort, let's not be ridiculous. I'm not a child, you know. You heard me. You're going to bed. Right after dinner? Right this minute. Those are the breaks, kid. Never mind about Leroy. You go right up those stairs just as fast as you can. That's killing her. You can't do this to me. Oh, can't I? That's killing her. Why? You can't. You too, Leroy. Me? You heard me. Go to bed. Oh, what did I do? On your way. Get started. Here, we're going to have a little discipline and obedience around here. I'm going to be left. Hi, George. It's great to have him home again. Ladies and gentlemen, it's nice to be back on the air again. I hope you've enjoyed the program, and I hope you'll all be listening again next week. And tell your friends. Good night, everybody. Fourth is radio service.