 And I just saw all of this control and I know people speak of the matrix but the matrix of control that actually permits what you can say and what you can't and on a certain day like a switch is flipped it descends and I think being completely, a cancel is too weak, being completely removed from life pushes you to a point and genuinely I considered just walking out of my house and taking myself off to go swing because there comes a point where as a parent you believe the only way you can protect your kids is to off yourself because when your kids are being reported to social services that you're an abusive mother or you've got a couple of people coming to behead you in your home and it's being fitted with panic alarms it's very clear that you are presenting a danger and a risk to your own kids you become the magpie, I was the magpie in my own nest I know you're a strong person, I know you've spoke out against many people but when were you at your weakest through all that? It's come a few times, there's been times of really dark I guess when they took, I have to be careful how I phrase it because I do own this, it is my responsibility I am accountable so if I say when they took my house, well they didn't just come and take my house did they? I wrote a tweet about someone that was incorrect I deleted it, I apologised for it, I offered to meet, I offered to do whatever was required to try and correct my wrongs in the way I spoke to you of but that wasn't enough and a new law was made that serious harm was done at the time of publication and that created a legal, I guess a new legal reference, a new law that meant anybody, if you perceive that I've done you serious harm over the last five years you should come and sue me tomorrow that's how the law stands right now and it meant I lost my home, so it meant I had to go down a kind of bankruptcy process and they took some of my husband's stuff as well, I didn't mean stuff, I mean money so that was dark and not the financial stuff, not money per se, just the home with my children's stuff and they really liked that home because it was a lot of fun and that was bad the heading attempt was alright I found the assassination of Katie Hopkins the play that the government part funded and the posters going up and my mother was particularly upset by those I found that difficult to explain because everybody thought it was a very high-minded laughing matter and you just feel like oh, you're so far from that and then I think when I was duped into accepting a trophy called the cunt award I can't tiptoe around the words, I hate that word, I never say it and it wasn't the humiliation of me and it wasn't just that I was tired and had been stupid and had been foolish it was actually that I'd been tricked into going there because they said it was for white farmers and I'd spent three months in South Africa with white farmers, I loved them and I'd been super kind and the gentleman who was the white farmer who'd been attacked allegedly that's what got me there to get the trophy to give a speech in support on the day the boy that pulled the stunt said oh, he's ill so he can't come and I'd offered to go and visit him in his bed and take him a whiskey and that was a moment for me because it wasn't the humiliation it was that I genuinely believed I was being kind and ultimately I know I am actually kind and I'm quite a decent sort of person and that level of shame and using something I cared about that was probably another time I was happily to just get out the door I just wanted to go lie under a sea