 We are celebrating the new memoir by Madeleine Mae Cunin. We are also thrilled to welcome Representative Jill Proinski from Chittenden County. She will be up to introduce Madeleine in a few moments. Do housekeeping items before we begin? Please mute or turn off your cell phones. The pictures are fine, but there's nothing worse than a ringtone going off in the middle of the day. Thank you Madeleine. Please use the back door if you need to exit during the reading because the front door is now locked and will remain locked until after the talk. We do have a restroom at the back of the store to the right. If you'd like to learn more about Bearpond Books events, please sign up on our newsletter. It's being passed around. We do have journalist and author Garrett Graff. He'll be here Tuesday, October 23rd for a lively discussion about the Mueller-Russia investigation and Graff's newly co-authored book Dawn of the Cold War. That's about cybersecurity. We do also have coming up on Friday, November 2nd, a poetry reading at the Unitarian Church called Bullets into Bells. Poets and citizens respond to gun violence. That's going to have Major Jackson, Matthew Oldman, Karen McHaddon, and other speakers. We're selling tickets for $5 that are available here, and it's a fundraiser for gunsense for months. You can also follow us on Facebook or Twitter at Bearpond Books, and you can keep a rest of our news that way as well. I'd like to thank Orca Media. They're here filming tonight's event. You will see the video of tonight's event if you sign up for our newsletter. I'd also like to thank the Vermont Arts Council for featuring tonight's event as a Vermont Arts 2018 program, and I'd like to thank you in advance for buying this beautiful book, Coming of Age, My Journey to the 80s. It's really quite a beautiful moving book. It's filled with wisdom and love poems, hope and honesty. Madeline talks about everything from downsizing and moving to wake Robin to her changed body and this new moonscape. Such beautiful writing. If you don't already have a copy, I urge you to pick one up tonight. Madeline will be able to sign them at the end of the night. If you do have a copy, I think you should get one for a friend too. Let me make a great gift. One more. Oh, sorry. I was going to mention about the book signing. When the talk is finished, if you could just remain seated for a moment so we can get Madeline situated in a chair with a little table and then form the book signing line, that would be great. And with that, I'm going to welcome up Representative Jill Kroenstein. Thank you so much and thank you for bear com with books for organizing this event and inviting me here to introduce Governor Madeline Cunan. Madeline Cunan is such an honor and it's just such a tribute to see this crowd here for you tonight because of all the incredible work you have done not only for our state but for our country and for women. I can't remember the exact moment or speech it was that I first met Madeline but I remember distinctly her saying, well, you know, ladies, if you're not at the table, you're on the menu. Stick in with this one. But, you know, I think I met Madeline when I was just getting my start in politics in Vermont and we spent a lot of time over the years talking about our frustration about how can we get more women to feel comfortable to run for office. I think the most recent statistic says a woman needs to be asked seven times before she agrees to run and can anyone guess how many times an average man needs to be asked to run? So it was about six years ago that we, Madeline and I and Representative Keshia Rahm at the time were sitting appropriately enough at a table, at Madeline's kitchen table talking about us taking action because we felt that we were moving backwards now and not forward. And I think that that moment is a true testament to, you know, what I think part of her legacy is which is encouraging women to serve and to run for office and it was at that kitchen table that Emerge Vermont was born and Emerge Vermont is an organization that recruits and trains women to run for office and it has a comprehensive training program that runs the course over six months for training women over 70 hours in skill sets like public speaking and organizing and fundraising and really gives women that opportunity to learn how to run for office and I think about the trainings and the women that have gone through the trainings and I move out of Madeline's kitchen and I go to the State House and as we grow the Emerge program a couple of years ago I was walking through the halls of the State House and it was my first or second term and, you know, it's a stark reminder of the progress that we still have to make in our country when the only portrait of a woman on the first floor of the State House is the one of Madeline from when she was governor and as you walk the halls throughout the State House there aren't many other photos or portraits of women and so we have a lot of work to do to help mentor and train especially young women who are in that building and why we need to get more photos of women there and in those positions so that they have that reminder of their role and their role in democracy and why it's so important and it was a little while after we had gotten the program running that I was in the House chamber listening to a debate about whether your boss should have a say over whether birth control should be included in your insurance program and I thought, oh man, I feel like we're going backwards here and having this debate about birth control because it was decades, several decades earlier across the way in the Senate chamber that it was Lieutenant Governor Madeline Cunin breaking the tie vote for funding for Planned Parenthood and it was just interesting. She had cast an incredibly important vote that day and I remember Madeline telling a story about overhearing some of the senators saying that it was best to keep them barefoot and pregnant and it was outrageous to hear then and unfortunately it's outrageous to hear now you're hearing that now in this time. So again, looking at the Emerge program and why it's so critical and we're talking about this possible pink wave coming after the debate over the Supreme Court so in my mind and in this journey we move from the State House to what's happening in Washington and I think what happened over Trump's Supreme Court nomination is really a stark reminder about what's at stake for our country, our state and why these elections are so important and why women in leadership to help build the sisterhood to support women who are running is just so important right now and Madeline has been the core of that in our state and we are so fortunate to have her leadership. Even now when asking her for advice about what I should be doing I was asking her about several different options and she's like why don't you just do both? That is an example of just the kind of mentor and role models she is and so just quickly going back to the State House from Washington this past year I was serving as House Majority Leader thanks to Madeline's encouragement and we were having a debate about pregnancy protections in the workplace and it struck me that she could have been having this debate Madeline when she was serving in the House in the 70s and even after hours of debate there were still 43 people who voted against that bill this is just basic pregnancy protections in the workplace for women and so I just think that her work is still so critical today and when she started in the 70s in the House she was I think one of 17 women serving at that time and now we are at 60 women in the House so we are making progress I'll say though that this year is the fifth year anniversary of a merge and what's really exciting to report is that we have currently 20 merged alumni our current legislators at the State House and we have 19 on the ballot so I could go on and on telling amazing stories about Madeline's leadership and her mentorship but I think it was fitting that it was only a couple of weeks ago that she, Keisha and I were back on the phone talking about Kavanaugh and the hearings and having a conversation with Madeline about when she testified at the Anita Hill hearings and again it was just coming back together here we are at the same place but we were reminded about the pink wave then and how we could have this pink wave now so I just, I think that the timing of this book and one of the phrases that I've heard Madeline and her late husband John talk about is seizing the day and I think of this book and the timing so appropriate and saying that now more than ever it's time to seize the day and take this opportunity so it is just again such an honor to be able to introduce Governor Cunin, former Governor, Ambassador, leader and role model for Madeline so thank you so much Jill I mean Jill is a wonderful example of the next generation who is seizing the torch and going to run all the way to continue to promote equality for women we still need champions like Jill it's very nice to be invited here and this is a wonderful bookstore and just put in a pitch for private bookstores independent bookstores independent, that's the word I was looking for yes so you know why did I write this book I must admit I had some trepidation about what I wrote and having it become public I sort of entered a new stage about 5 or 10 years ago where I just felt that I didn't need to protect myself in the same way that I did when I was in public life you sort of shrinkwrapped and you have to be careful what you say and how it will be interpreted and I went to sort of a deeper thought and deeper observation that's one of the luxuries if you're fortunate of getting older that you have a little more time to think and to observe and to just be human and there's sort of an intensity about your thinking and your actions because you know you don't have that much time so time becomes something you almost count in a different way than when you're young and you think you have forever you don't have you know it's like well I mentioned this in my book so yeah go to the book but when you write a book like this you're asked for advice about how to stay young or how to stay happy or how to stay well and there really is no advice as such in this book it's not a how to book that he called how to stay young there's no magic formula but there is a certain liberty in getting older and one example was that I attended a function where women who were taking a running for office and the question was how to dress and some of you may remember there was a book in the 70s which became a Bible called how to dress for success I see it's not in the real the model wore a simple navy blue suit with a white blouse with a little frill around it to show the feminine side and as they were talking about what to wear it was a similar discussion as in the iconic book and I thought at one point I can dress wherever I want it's that kind of freedom that you get as you get older well I'll start I've been writing poetry off and on but I really started to concentrate on writing poetry about four or five years ago I also wanted to give credit to my husband who died last January but he gave me the courage to write in a different way and he read the first draft of this book and read everything I wrote this is called is this the right body or am I holding it too close to it it's for a bell cake no longer no longer will we make love before breakfast no longer will I dream of seeing New Zealand or the Cape of Good Hope or bears in the wild no longer will I say yes more than no no longer will danger sparkle and safety look dull no longer will I look at my body without comparison between who I was and who I have become blaming the light for the difference no longer can I toss my hair over my face and count 100 strokes no longer can I do without night cream and day cream slathering on ounce after ounce no longer can I be comfortable sitting in my chair reading for hours without getting up to stretch my arms and legs no longer can I walk without looking down at my feet to avoid mean cracks and malicious bumps no longer can I skip down the stairs like a girl flying without feeling a thing no longer can I approach the precipice without swaying against my will no longer do I think ahead of where I will be in 10 years or 20 or more now I think in ones or twos or threes long enough to still hunger for the food of life no longer do I wish for the next day or the next year to come quickly like I did the year I turned 10 I want the days to saunter like a leisurely museum stroller who stops now and then to gaze and get closer to the canvas to see the brushstrokes and then steps back for the long view before moving on so this is in prose it's called the year I turned oh maybe I'll use it a little if you don't mind the year I turned 80 the color red invaded my palette I bought a new red Prius thinking it might be my last car last car sounds like last breath and I wanted to go out in a blast if I hadn't worried about the wind further destroying my hair, my ears and my eyes I would have gone for a convertible I had owned my old Prius for nine years it was beige and it blended silently in with the other cars in the parking lot sometimes it took me several panic minutes it has to be here somewhere to find it in the rows of vehicles as I pushed my cumbersome shopping cart I hoped no one would notice that I was lost but rather that my car was lost my red car would be different it would be on the alert happily signaling to me even from a distance my new Prius was the color of the year Barcelona red the marketed people had gone their right not only did the name feel beautiful on the tongue but Barcelona red also evoked some of the images at the time my second husband John and I visited Spain the deep fiber red sparkled on the car lot it was a young color it had a touch of daring to it I once read that red cars are picked up more often for speeding than other colors I was ready to take the risk I wanted to defy the dark expectations of my age once I took it down the road the rear view mirror showed me the standard grey interior but when I looked at the side mirrors I saw exactly what I wanted to see a color that vibrates with light trying to edit a little bit because this is about it I talk about my balls and then the move to wake Robin was a promising time in our lives my husband had recently come out of a prolonged depression and had recovered from a bout of insomnia we both agreed that the decision to move to wake Robin had sparked his recovery we had a plan for our old age our children would not be burdened when we reached the dreaded age of dependency if one of us died first the other would not have to cope alone the college was the most attractive one on campus tall trees framed it on two sides and I could see the sun set through their silhouettes in preparation for the move with my son Daniel's help I bought some second-hand Danish modern and Montreal I surprised myself by choosing the same style of furniture I had when I was married to Arthur, my former husband when John and I married we intermingled our possessions he had a dark walnut table for his grandparents and I had a spindly hand-painted bead of my writing desk and matching chairs for our joint investment would be two comfortable chairs John's... thanks... John's evident mood changed he spotted the big comfortable leather chair first sat in it and decided we should buy two for the study I didn't think the study was large enough for two chairs with matching ottomans and suggested the living room instead we didn't argue together we looked over swatches of material I didn't want leather perhaps leather was a lifetime purchase and we did not have a lifetime we did not inquire about warranties we looked through books of swatches lots of colors and a choice of fabric I spotted a bright red square and stopped it left up at me I asked John, could we be bold and choose red? why not? he replied with his agreeable smile I tried to picture the red chairs in our new living room no question they would be bright no question they would stand out they would be contemporary we would not be living in the past surrounded only by possessions each of us had accumulated over 50 years our retirement home would be a sharp departure from that of the couple who had occupied it before us and had been moved to assisted living we were the young couple going in I pushed away the questions when would it be our turn when would we have to move out to assisted living or skilled nursing it had been hard for the other couple to leave but they left nothing behind and I was a good lad let's go for the red chairs John and I agreed the salesman was surprised and I was pleased to see her reaction the beige brown or black chair couple she had expected as the months went by waiting for the chairs to arrive which had been especially ordered from Sweden I began to have second thoughts would they work as I had anticipated or would they be a disaster had we decided too quickly why hadn't I deliberated long even darker colors a chance when the chairs arrived shrink-wrapped and heavy plastic the two men who had noted them had to use a knife to release them from bondage there they stirred two solid walls of red they're so big actually they looked different to the showroom my husband was dismayed and had a relapse of his insomnia and depression then now what I expected either he said the chairs blazed in the room I hoped they would cure his insomnia to cure it we tried placing one chair in the living room and the other in the study better but not right my step-daughter came to fix the computer and sat in one of the chairs I asked them, they're comfortable really I questioned and I became obsessed with the chairs we talked about them over breakfast, lunch I would take a look at them before going to bed they came first thing in the morning I said, what's any better I hoped they didn't I'd stop talking about the chairs as an insomnia weakened him yes, we won't talk about them anymore I agreed but it was hard call the furniture store to ask him to return them the owner was probably dismayed he was polite, didn't want to displease a customer but clearly he was upset we'd keep them until Monday and then tell me what you think he suggested the next day I placed a square black pillow with a brilliant red flower leaving to the edges in the corner of our beige couch my son Daniel had given it to us as a housewarming gift it lifted the couch out of its neutrality and tied it to the red chairs a sudden improver my son Adam came to dinner my friend Veronica stopped right Adam sat in one chair Veronica in the other the chairs looked different when someone sat in them their bodies plotted out much of the red two thumbs up my son Adam said if you don't like the color you can get slip covers his wife had done that with her cat-scratched couch true but wise slip cover new chairs I looked at the chairs once more I asked myself whether I could ever own them would I feel comfortable or would they always drool at me make me jumpy on edge by hand I chosen the light neutral textures with which I'd surrounded myself in the past silent, relaxing colors that made the living room a calm refuge from the harsh and noisy world outside part of me I realized no longer wanted a refuge I wanted to bring life inside not leave it at the door and the red chairs did exactly that they were loud, they were vivid day by day I began to see that they had precisely what I had wanted brilliance one bright morning my husband and I arrived at the same decision let's keep them this outer worm called the bed these were my sheets and his bed these are not the right sheets he said that the corners limped down over the edge just tucked them in I said with a hint of annoyance that he didn't know better they always fit on my bed so exactly what I thought even then that I might not be understood a worse offend there was a slight grating echo in our words which we heard in different ways in other times with other people it would have shredded the tide that bound them but on this time with the two of us the tear was so quickly revolving that we looked at each other left beautiful this is called I'm not old I could be the oldest person in the audience but so what my age drops to the floor and I step on it with my dancing feet made of staples shaped like a muffin dressed in a swishy black top and matching swinging black silk pants her hair is like a blonde bowl it sparkles she is escorted on stage by the hand of a dark suited assistant she needs help but when the band starts to jive she rolls across the stage like a loose marble her shoulders pump up and down to the music her arms are swinging and her feet kick off gravity then she opens her mouth and out it comes a powerful voice that blasts into the crowd she's got it they clap she's still got it how old is she I ask the woman next to me who seems to know all the songs I don't know if she replies our guest Mavis tells the audience that the staples singers have been singing for 65 years let's see 80 or 85 maybe I'm so excited Mavis exclaims more than once between songs she is outrageously happy then she pauses spotting a familiar face in the audience and reaches down he jumps on the stage tall dressed in white pants and jacket with lanky long hair he runs to her side and hugs her together and then they dance did you see me dance she coquettishly asked the audience I almost fell down but he held me up I clap with the crowd moving my feet and shoulders trying to keep up the crowd hoots and hollers I release my voice I shout surprising myself when the bass bass guitarist has a solo bends his body in like a straw he holds his own instrument in a lover's embrace he makes it sing in a high pitched voice a voice so beautiful so plaintive like the singing of a loon the drummer has his turn he builds up the sound to a mad tempo like jazz drummers do but this time perhaps because his hair is white I pound the drums with him I allow myself to drum the hell out of those drums it feels so good I am not old when you did the dishes you did the dishes did I love you for that I listened to the distant clattering in the kitchen while I sat in my chair reading the newspaper we shared most tasks then but you did the driving and I could sit and I could sit still by your side with only a rare glance in the rear you were to check if it was safe to pass now I do everything cook and wash the pots and meet the dishwashers greedy demands I make the bed which you once made when we slept together I push your wheelchair back not letting it sink into a stoop before it's time I feel my muscles tighten out the incline I wish you could feel the tube from your blue position you need me now to move in any direction up and down and around corners without bumping into things like winter boots thrown casually on the floor I take the lead and into the world I inhabit you and visit me from time to time like you used to do when you did the dishes and the counters always needed wiping this evening is better than this morning when you berated yourself for growing old what can I do you ask please with yourself I whisper nothing evenings we meet on the sofa and talk about a story in the New York Times or a scene from the evening news we are same-minded again the world is spinning crazily out of its orbit we shake our hands from side to side in rhythmic disbelief I reach for your still hand cover it with mine and keep it there touching me everybody's gone through that I'll read one the wheelchair danced in circles through the rapid beat of the Union River jazz band she was young again unbound free no longer pushing him but flying with him on the dance floor he waved aside the ribboned oxygen tube streaming behind him I grasped John with both hands and brought him to his feet facing the walker within reach he moved his head and then his arms and then his feet to the music we danced, we sang with the walker between us and love and science one of these time for questions but I'll just try to find downsizing it's a little long but I'll try to cut it didn't downsize it you didn't downsize it that's right, I should have I harbor sentimental longing for homestead a place where each generation has written their births and deaths in the family bible kept in a safe place where World War II scattered us about to England, to Israel, to America in search of safety that is why I cannot dispose of my mother's good white table cloths with matching initial napkins or get rid of amperits amperits, Rosenthal gold that's teacups and flowering dessert past flowering dessert plates they are my past I walk through the condo and survey the magnitude of the moving John Rehan books and more books boxes and boxes of stored papers, stacks of writings that someday may be discovered by one of my children and assembled into another book or provide material for an historian photographs of the children of me with dignity of me at various stages of my public life fly fishing signing bills the first maple tree standing in the center of a group of women of a group of children of a group of men the books the books are the hardest to sort out I have been thrilled to read the Alexandria Quartet and Lawrence Durell which everyone was talking about in the 1970s I stepped into the lives of unfaithful friends like I was intrigued by the end of lives of Philip Roth's male characters I fell in love with Anita Bruckner as an only woman and wrote her a fan letter to which she replied do I keep or give away do I keep it or give it away or the library even take this old book and I hold on to it knowing I am not likely to read it I am not a native angeline which I have required reading in New York's public schools the closets are scrunched up with clothes for my four seasons and several lifetimes I am not ready to give away the expensive silk suit I wore at Peter and Lisa's wedding 23 years ago I have worn it only once since the wedding but still it costs so much the same the same thinking prevents me from disposing of the ice blue silk suit I wore for my swearing in as Ambassador to Switzerland I was pleased that my elegant attire could equal the ornate gold trimmed room of the State Department I have a photo of me and Madeleine Albright who officiated I take each suit out of the closet one at a time and the final tender look and mercilessly squash them into the black plastic trash bag full of red plastic ribbon tight they may have another life I can sew myself thinking of their happy rediscovery the three formal gowns from each of my inaugural balls are stored in the downstairs coat plus off to one side safe in their hermetically sealed and zippered bag I designed them myself an Austrian dressmaker made them and on it goes I have to save them they belong to history this is what the first female governor of Vermont wore in her inaugural ball I consider calling the Vermont Historical Society to ask if they will store them I thought of the gowns displayed on mannequins who would perpetually be young is pleasing the gowns will continue to be who I once was as with many such ideas I never follow up instead I as the moving company to provide a tall cardboard clothing box that I place in the storage cage under 18 in the basement of Lake Robin 20 dollars a month seems worth it so much of what we decide to keep is built on some day some day we might need it some day we would wish we had kept it some day is shorter than it used to be the word itself has shrunk if some day hasn't happened by now I have to accept that it's not likely that it will if I haven't looked through my library with beautiful art books in the past 10 years I probably won't take them down from the shelf in the next five or in whatever time I've left something no one wants but I can't give away I have two silver tea sets one belonged one belonged to my mother and the other time there every middle class European bride once was given such a set as a wedding present my mother once confessed to me with an unusual note of jealousy in her voice that her older sister Bert said was made of genuine silver while hers was plated for some years after I inherited my mother's set I polished it not as well as my mother or a housekeeper might have done but well enough to find a place in the dining room buffet then I started polishing just kept in the dark that is how it ended up in the laundry room behind the door on top of an old soap machine it deserves better my mother would be dismayed she had insisted on including the tea set among the few possessions she packed to come to America it was like us a refugee, a reminder after a middle class life as I placed the tarnished silver lid back on the sugar bowl I turned to my son Daniel to the question will you take it he agrees not just me at the end here my possessions are moved out in separate brigades three cards and six Burlington Library volunteers arrive on schedule one morning to take away all the box books first Adam and then Daniel helped me bring things to the synagogue Peter brings things to the good well my friends Nancy and Peter distribute five filing cabinets in the set of bookcases I arranged for a rug our books on the coffee table to be brought to my daughter Julia and Brooklyn the owner of the second hand furniture store from whom we had bought the dining room table comes and decides which pieces to take back slowly the condo undresses itself I call one eight hundred junk we take everything the man on the phone says anything I repeat anything the two medium sized trucks pull in and stop in front of the garage I give them everything that is left flower pots rakes old pictures old pots and pans you sure you want to give us that one of the men is holding up a plaster from the mango figure I made when I was taking a sculpture class it was an old guy I am ruthless he has taken I repeat feeling a sudden surge of fierce happiness the driver is having a great time he finds a silver wig in the trash can it's on one Halloween award for fun at a staff meeting in the department of education he finds another treasure a gold cardboard crown studded with glass diamonds and balances on top of the spark and wind he waves to me from inside the truck one leg hooked over the wooden side panel he looks historic hilarious I laugh and wave back before he leaves he takes a wide broom and sweeps the entire garage I feel cleansed liberated light it is over so delighted I was unprepared for you to be so funny well, she was a little rich we were laughing but I was waiting I wasn't prepared for it to be so funny this is like my fourth meeting and he said I'm so glad when our daughter was five we saw you sitting at your governor's desk and it was like no big deal that a woman could be the governor of Vermont and that stuck with her ever since well, in the same venue as John I'm a guide at the state house and every day when I pass by your portrait I wonder what made you decide to sit in the governor's chair to have your portrait done there it's so lovely it's required it looks better and better to me every year this is like a portrait of Dorian Gray that's a thousand any other questions yes in the back I have a lot of questions I think I speak for everyone by saying we love you now yeah you've been a person of honor integrity and have paved the way for many many women in this state and we honor you with all our heart thank you very much I didn't want to write another political book this is my fourth book the first book was also a memoir it's longer but it's also personal but not in quite the same way I wanted to explain my journey to becoming governor and I wanted other people to understand so they could emulate me and so in my time I was thinking we need more women in political office and then the second book was Curls, Politics and Power and I interviewed other women politicians and that was interesting and then the third in between I wrote a guide book to remark with another writer that was hard work because every time we said my hotel is open or this restaurant is open on Monday and Friday changed but we had to keep updating it and it's much easier to write about yourself no research but then I wrote the new feminist agenda where I never liked the title because I thought it might scare off people who are frightened of feminists and turned out I never could find out whether that was true or not but today it's probably more true than it was five years ago as more women if they're not using the word feminist they're certainly taking action and stepping up and speaking out so this book is an inward book I'm not trying to influence anybody and I'm trying to be as unselfconscious as possible but I must admit I got very nervous when in a review I saw some quotations from the book that oh my god it's really out there and I guess long term writers or professional writers go through that even with fiction you're real some of yourself and I've been very surprised and happy about the reaction that people can connect to it whether it's downsizing or whether it's taking care of inhaling spouse and in that sense it makes me feel very very good so you've given me I'm tempted to say a new lease on life I love the poetry in the book and I know that you have always loved poetry but could you talk a little bit more about how that sort of you said that you started writing poetry five years ago but how that kind of came about well I've always loved poetry and I've written some poems in between but you know to write poetry you need time and quiet and space to write anything really except maybe a news release which you can write in campaign news release you can write in five minutes but I've also been writing a commentary on VPR I have to write those like 400 words and it's a discipline to get that in the right shape and some of these pieces here are just like revision of those commentaries but I don't know I just went into a different zone I think when you take walks and you become observant look at the sky I mean all those sort of corny sounding things let your mind imagine sees the next word and the person politics I could never do that not only because I didn't want to be that personal but because of the sheer time and even if you say okay I'm going to write a poem this afternoon it may not happen this afternoon probably won't so you just and you need to be alone that's important so I'm grateful and I plan to write some more poems so you've been a wonderful audience