 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Welcome to Quranic Parenting. Last week we began our first session of this series on intentional parenting, right? Because as with all things, we have to have the right intention, right? And so even with our parenting journey, we have to really confront and come to terms with what are our intentions with wanting to be parents. And so we spent a lot of time exploring that, but first we looked at what parenting today looks like, right? Because parenthood, of course, in our society today is very different than the ideals of what our dean teaches us or aspires to us to, right? So we want to examine that, what we're dealing with, right? So we went through some of the trends that we're seeing with people delaying marriage as well as motherhood, right? So a lot of women, because of the opportunities afforded to them now, they're delaying this part of their life until, you know, their mid-30s or later. And then just some experiences of the pressures that both women and men feel in terms of managing, you know, the parenting, whether they're doing it as a couple in a nuclear, you know, traditional family or single parents, but each gender does have some pressures that are unique to them. And so just kind of exploring some of the data there. And then we also talked about how, and the reason why it's so different is because we're in a time where a lot of things are being redefined, right? Gender roles, you know, the institutions of marriage, what it even looks like now in this society is very, again, different than what it always has been traditional, because you'll find different types of families or family units or marriages, marriage unions. And so we want to really be aware of what we're up against. Of course, the economics and behind why people marry, the goals and objectives of families and couples are also different in some cases. In many cases, I should say, cultural shifts and attitudes towards, for example, premarital relations and monogamous relationships are also very different than what it was in the past. And then the importance of having partners that have either the same or similar religious affiliation and commitment, right, to those conservative values is also different. You find a lot of people now marrying sometimes not only people who are not necessarily on the same wavelength or path, but even outside of the face, it's more and more common. So these are things we have to be aware of. And then we talked about the importance of when we talk about intentionality that there are two mindsets that you have in all things, right? And everybody in the world is of one of these two minds. You're either thinking in worldly terms, whether it's parenting or marriage or anything else, or you're thinking in other worldly terms, right? So when it comes to parenting, the mindsets are you're focused on worldly parenting, what that and we kind of explore what that means. And then what other worldly parenting is, is, of course, you're setting your sights on the next world, on what will get you there. So parenting becomes a means to that end, whereas the worldly parenting is more focused on just the benefits of coming together, having a family, having children, and you get really caught up in that, right? And so I also just reminded everyone of the cost of parenting today that it's quite expensive. I'm sorry. So according to one study, $233,000 or $610 to raise one child today, right? This is from 2015. So it's probably even more now with all the inflation costs and costs of food and gas and clothing and everything, right? So it's very difficult for many people to have children because of this reason. And just to bring it back to that point of worldly versus otherworldly, a lot of times people get caught up in the experience of being pregnant or having the, you know, the baby pictures and the newborn phase because that is a phase that is fun, right? There's a celebratory aspect of obviously bringing in a new life, but having a lot of celebration around that. So people will get caught up in that, but then they don't think that that child will grow and you are then responsible for making sure that it is provided for in every sense of the word. But spiritually, most importantly, that you have to raise it with the values that it can maintain its religious identity. And that's a lot of work for parents. So we have to look beyond just this commercialization of parenting that we unfortunately see everywhere around us. And then, you know, a reminder about the fact that it is our duty, right? Parenting is in a manner, it's our responsibility to make sure that we raise our children on fitra. Otherwise they will stray. And this is the task before us as parents. So really having the understanding of what it means to have the otherworldly lens is that you realize the objective is to raise, inshallah, the next generation of believers. And that will be your means to paradise, inshallah. And so, you know, the intentional, you know, the questions that we have to ask ourselves when we want to be intentional about parenting is why do I want to become a parent? How do I plan to prepare for parenthood? Mashallah, I had a sister earlier in our thicket. She's single and she said she's not married, but she asked if she could stay. And I told her, you are the shining example that I always like to show people that, yes, when you are attending these types of events, whether it's parenting or marriage without, you know, in preparation, you are actually doing it right. We all should have been doing that. We all should have been sitting into these types of classes long before we ever got ourselves in a marital or a, you know, parenting role, because the preparation is so necessary to do that preparatory work. And then when do I plan to get started, right? So asking these questions, we talked a lot about what parent is and what it isn't. So I mentioned that it's an amana. It's a trust from God. It's a sunnah, obviously, of the Prophet's life. So he had children. It's a gift. Parenting is a gift there. We mentioned also in the previous thicket that we had one of the sisters reminded us to make da'a for those who wish to have children because there are many who are struggling with infertility and they, um, they really want this gift of parent to be a parent. And so when you have it, you have to see that Allah, you know, gave you, preferred you in for this role and it is an immense, immense gift as well as an amana. And then it's also going to be a test of faith because as Allah is telling us that he will try us, he will test us through our children, right? And so you will have times where things are going to be difficult. It comes part, it's part and parcel of being a parent. And what parenting isn't is this right of passage that has to happen just because you're married. Because if that's what you think, then you're not doing it for the greater goals of wanting to please Allah, you're just doing it because your family's pressuring you, right? Your mom is asking you, your grandma is asking you and your limited understanding is, well, I just have to get, I have to have children now, just like I had to get married now. You see that that's a very flat, lacking, lackluster intention. It's just like I'm just doing something because it's custom. But we have to be better about our intentions, right? Avoiding the criticism of family or society or community is not a reason to have children. It's because you want to raise good, you know, believers and you want to be a part of that. And that's the intention you have to come at it with. And then it's also not just for fun and games, right? As we mentioned earlier, the celebratory sort of excitement around children or marriage is often what we get caught up in. But that is not the purpose of it. The wedding is not the purpose of a marriage and neither is the baby shower a purpose of parenting, right? It's also not a way to exploit oneself or family. So if you're having children so that they can continue the family business and you can use them for free labor out of the blood, certainly not, you know, a good intention. And it's also not a way to parade your children around just as little extensions of you because sometimes parents think of their children as their property. And, you know, I want a good image in front of people. So I'm going to have multiple children just so that I can show how cute my kids are, how well behaved they are, they're model children, they go to school, they finish their Quran Khatam by the age of seven. I am going to throw them a party and we just make it all the spectacle, which is look at me, I'm such a great person. I have such beautiful, amazing children. Look at me, look at me. These are the wrong intentions. It has to be for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And we talked about the importance of having a parental vow, right? Which we, because it's Quranic parenting, we're going back to the Quran to see these things modeled for us. So we mentioned Hana bin Faqudu, who is the mother of our mother, Maryam alayhi salam, and how she literally made a vow to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala that she, whatever was in her womb, that she was offering it in the service of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, that is intentional parenting. That is a perfect example of someone who understands that when a child is, you know, Allah has blessed you with a child that your mind should not be about how you're going to benefit from this child in this life, but rather that that child grows up to know Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and is on the right path and is an agent of guidance for others, of light, and worships Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala as he so deserves, that that is the intention, right? And so she made that beautiful intention. And then we also talked about the prayer because our da'as are very important and we sometimes forget. There's a lot of anxiety in parenting today, I know, because I talk to a lot of parents and the anxiety is always directed towards other people. Do you know someone I can ask for this? Is there a therapist? Is there this? I need help with my child with this. And we're always looking at the worldly means of how to address a lot of our fears. But then when you ask, okay, I understand you're worried about your child's behavior, their friends, you know, whether or not their their dean is strong. But what are you doing in terms of spiritually addressing those concerns, right? If you're just picking up the phone and calling and trying to network, but then you're not waking up in the middle of the night, right? And this goes for the mothers and the fathers. We have to get up and we have to ask the only one who can actually change our children's situation, whether it's a health issue, a mental health issue, a behavioral issue, whatever it is, the only one who can actually bring about the change you're seeking is Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala. So you cannot bypass Allah and then go through everyone else, right? You have to get up and your real sincerity of concern is shown by how much you seek Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala because otherwise it's lip service. Oh, I'm so worried about my kids. If you're worried about your kids, show you're worried, get up, compromise your sleep, right? Show Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala, I'm really stressed out about my children's guidance. Yalla, please guide them, please guide them, please guide them and also make good choices for them, right? Which we're going to get to today in session two. This is just a summary, but it's so important that we really use the means that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala has given us, the Prophet ﷺ reminded us that the da'a is the weapon of the believer. So if you're battling demons, then take out your weapons, right? And use them, which are your da'as. We talked about parental self-reflection. It's very important that we, we of course have those high expectations and we work towards them, but we also remember that outcomes, we don't control, right? It's very important to have that pause to say, okay, I'm trying my best, I'm doing everything, but at the end of the day, they belong to Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala and I can only do my best when you have prophets. And that's why we have the stories of the prophets to remind us, like Prophet Nooh, alaihi salam, who we know struggled because his son literally disobeyed him and did not believe and that was a struggle for a prophet of God, right? So if he, you know, had to face this, this reality that outcomes are only decreed by Allah, then certainly we do as well and we have to submit. Now that doesn't mean we stop praying and we get, we become resigned. No, it just means that at a certain point, you know what you can do and what you can't do, but hold yourself accountable, right? Hold yourself accountable. And this is again, we're constantly going back to, you know, asking for Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala to guide you, to surrender to his decree and also asking for those things that you want with clarity, be very descriptive in your du'as. You know, just to do general du'as, Allah protect my children. Yes, but how? What do you mean by that? Protect them from what harms? Do you know the harms? Are you aware of all the harms? Show that you really are, like be explicit as possible in your du'as because that will give you, again, that sense of ownership of, you know, your responsibility as a parent, but also connect you to the fact that Allah is the only one who can help you. So making sure to do that. And these are all from the examples, again, from the Qur'an that we can learn from. So, and Shala, really important to know that. So this is the summary. And again, you know, you can go back and watch the first video from last week to get more in-depth discussion on all of those things. I'm just summarizing before we get into today's discussion. So these are the points of the summary that you can go ahead and if you want to just screenshot or take, and then we'll go ahead and begin for session two. So as I mentioned, we start obviously with intentionality. And now that we've, inshallah, aligned ourselves with the proper intentions, we need to look at the target. And the target is the best of examples, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He is enough for us to know how to parent effectively. If we learn his methodology, his ways, his teachings, his words, we will inshallah become effective parents. If we abandon his ways and take our own ways, our mom, our mother's ways, our father's ways, our grandparents' ways, our culture's ways, we will struggle. So that's really as simple as we can, you know, state that, that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is the best of examples. So now, what does that mean? Well, here is a hadith that is often related when we talk about marriage, where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is teaching us about how to approach parenting, right? And he reminds us, each of you, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his or her flock. And then he goes into the details of what that means, right? The leader of a people, so the general community leader or leader of a nation is a guardian and is responsible for his or her subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. So the wording, it matters here because family is not specified to just wife and children. He also has his parents, his siblings, other people that he also is responsible for. And sometimes women need to be reminded of that, right? That he is responsible for all of the, you know, maintaining all of that. And so sometimes you have to let him go, right? Let him tend to other family needs. And it's difficult, but it's a good reminder for us. And then the woman is the guardian of her husband's home and his children and she is responsible for them. So this is why we say that the domain of the house and the way the house is run, the household, the culture that's in the household is the domain of women, right? She should be allowed to really dictate and to lead, inshallah, of course, with her husband there to support her. But this is where running a household effectively because the woman is likely doing a lot of that management anyway should be her domain and she can flourish in that responsibility as a leader because a shepherd is a leadership role, right? So he's delineating all of the ways that we're leading independently. And then the servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he's responsible for it. No doubt every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his or her flock. And I love this because even though it's not mentioned here, when we are talking to our children about these types of messages from our Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, that last line matters because if we want empowered children, we want children with strong Muslim identities, we have to also imbue in them this understanding that they also are called to leadership roles. So give your children responsibility early on. Let them flourish as leaders in their own way with between their siblings as they're teaching them or cousins or other friends. Give them responsibility early. Don't coddle them because when we overly coddle children, we then create these imbalances and these co-dependencies that they don't know how to find their voice or the role of leadership that is expected of them. If you look at the seer of the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam because he was the most emotionally intelligent human being ever, he made space for all of the community members. Everyone felt heard and listened to and felt that they had a role in that community. He would even seek out the youth and give them leadership roles for that reason. So what about us in our households when we say no, no, no, and especially when it comes to some of our cultures where there's a major disparity between how some genders are treated versus others. So you'll find a lot of the young girls in many households and many cultures doing a lot of the work and taking on a lot of responsibility helping their parents, but then there's a double standard when it comes to boys, right? No, no, no, that's their boys let them go out and do other things, but not girls work, right? Not the housework. This is completely anti-Sunday. The Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was known to wash his own dishes, mend his own clothes, help in the household. So what are we saying when we are creating this disparity and teaching our boys that to help in the house is not something becoming of a young boy and he should just be out, but the girls have to do it all. This is wrong and that's why if we don't know these things and obviously we're going to pass on these wrong messages and feel the effects of that as the resentment between in our children grows because it's it's not a it's not a fair system, right? So that's just a side note, but this Hadith I love because when you think of a shepherd, right? Look at this picture. This picture is a beautiful picture of a shepherd and look how he is overlooking his you know flock and he has some tools around him, right? He's holding his staff, which is the crook. This is a very important tool that shepherds use because it gives them the ability to do what? First of all, it serves as an extended arm, okay? So look at the amount of in this image anyway, there's several animals. So for him to be able to show the boundaries for his flock, he has to have an extended arm and that's where the crook can also the staff of the shepherd can come in place. He extends his arm this way and the sheep know to go this way, right? So that tells us that one of the important parts of parenting is that we have to have reach. We have to know how to reach our children, which means communication. If we don't have strong communication skills, then we will not know how to reach them. We won't they won't listen to us just the same way as if he's trying to get their attention and he's waving his his you know arms, but they can't see it. It's because he's not using the tools at his disposal to actually get the message across which is don't go there or go here, right? So that's the shepherd. It's on the shepherd to know how to communicate. The other important thing that it does is also gives him control, right? So he's reaching them through communication, but also that sense of control because yes, there are boundaries that he's supposed to be protecting the flock from. So that's the other parenting tool that we need to have. We have to be able to also make sure that we create, you know, that we have that stability and safety and that we're showing control as parents, right? So we have to have the reach. We have to have the control. And the last which is, you know, the the part of the the top part of the staff has a crook. It's like a, you know, crooked sort of bent over a part and that's intentional because when the animal falls, for example, into a ditch or somewhere that it shouldn't go to, you can imagine these animals are quite heavy, right? And so for a shepherd to not be able to help the animal up, right, to get out of that dangerous situation, then it would perish. So immediately that crook can be used to take, put either around the neck of the animal or around the ankle or whatever is lodged. And so the shepherd can pull the animal out to safety, right? So that safety, that control, that reach, these are the three main tools that parents have to have and learn from the example of a shepherd. And so, you know, we mentioned this one, you know, tool that that is at his disposal. But then there are other things that the shepherd also does in order to make this happen. First of all, who, you know, if, I don't know how many of you have ever been on a farm or know any shepherds personally, but if you know that life, you know that they have to wake up early, right? You cannot effectively lead a flock anywhere and take care of them if you're going to sleep in, right? Because they are on a different schedule. The animals tend to wake up, you know, with the sunrise and they have their own needs that need to be met. So you have to be ahead. And so a lot of people who live these types of homestead lives or shepherding lives, they will be awake very early. Now, how does that relate to parenting? That translates to we have to be ahead, right? We cannot be totally oblivious to what's going on in the world of children just like a shepherd cannot be oblivious to the needs of his flock. So you have to be reading, you have to know what's going on in their world, what's happening at school, if especially, especially if you're sending your children to public school. That is so critical that you know what's happening in their classroom, who their teachers are, what are the philosophies of that teacher because you will, you're witnessing it right now. It's like a takeover of our educational system. There are people with agendas literally trying to bring in and indoctrinate our children with their own ideas. And if you don't know that, and if you don't know how to even be aware of that or how to handle that situation, then you're going to get yourself in trouble because your children will be in these classes for eight, 10 hours a day learning things that are antithetical to your faith and your culture and your home life. And that influence is going to increase over time. So we have to be ahead. We have to know what's going on at school. We have to know what's going on with their friends groups, who are they talking to, what kind of friends listen in on some of their discussions. It's okay. This whole idea of, oh, I have to respect my children's privacy to what end, especially if you don't know the quality of their friends, you're going to let them go into their rooms, close doors and have no idea what they're talking about. This is wrong. Open door policies, especially when they're young, they shouldn't be closing off wide. What are you talking about that someone else, if they passed by, it would be wrong or you would feel uncomfortable with that. These are the types of rules if we implement them in our house at an early, when they're young, then it'll be very normal for them. Making sure that we know what's going on also in the world of social media. A lot of parents give their kids these devices, not realizing that these devices are more dangerous than weapons. They're more dangerous than weapons. If you couldn't even think of giving your child an actual gun with bullets loaded, but you would happily give them a device without any supervision, no parental controls, no even time management, where it's like, oh, they could just have it, it's fine, then it's the same as just telling them, here, play with this gun, it's fine. It's actually worse, I should say, because what this exposes them to is a slow and painful death. Whereas a weapon is instantaneous, this is a slow death of the soul when they're exposed to the evil that can come from this thing. So we have to be very careful about making sure that we know what is going on and that we're ahead. So the shepherd, again, going back to this model, wakes up early, gets their food prepared, and also the shepherd knows the boundaries of where to go. So you as a parent have to know those boundaries, that's where that, again, control, reach, and safety comes into play. And that staff, by the way, is also used to test the grounds. So I know, for example, parents, some parents, I'm just going to mention this because I know there is this in my generation, generation X, there are some parents who are, they're maybe like leadites, which are people who are like anti-technology, they're just not really interested, right? And if you have that attitude, I understand, personally, you don't need to be on social media, you don't need to have a single presence, but that does not absolve you of the responsibility of knowing what is on social media, you get it? You don't have to have a presence, you don't have to be active, but you should know what's happening in the world of social media. And so that is where that staff of testing the ground before the flock goes is an essential role of the shepherd, because he has to make sure it's not quicksand, or it's not a slippery slope that they're going to fall, slide, and to their end. So this is where we as parents have to really take this analogy of the shepherd to heart, and learn from it, and remember we are responsible ultimately. Now, I love this because this goes to, this is just, sorry, this is based on, this quote up here at the top of the vessel only pours out what it contains, is actually from a famous story from Sayed Naisa, alaihi salam, that we have, where he was once with his disciples, and he walked by a group of men, and those men cursed him, okay, so he's with his disciples, they cursed him, and he responds with da'a, you know, salamu alaykum, or greeting, a beautiful greeting. So his disciples are shocked, like why would you do that? They cursed you, you know, they didn't understand, and his response was this, a vessel only pours out what it contains. This is so beautiful, because if we all understood this, and we understood for ourselves, first and foremost, to really manage our vessels, right, our hearts, our bodies, our minds, and to make sure that we're careful of what we are consuming, and what we're putting into it, then we can have that same understanding when it comes to our children, and realize I want my children to have the purest, right, of vessels, and how can I do that as parents? So why is this image so powerful? I use this image a lot, especially when I talk to youth, because I will say to them, tell me what you see here. So any guesses? What do we see here, you guys? What are these glasses of? Of what? You've listened to my talks before? Anyone else? So I get answers like tea, some even say beer, I don't know why they know that, but okay, Coke, you know, coffee, they'll throw out all of these answers, and I'm like, good, good, keep coming, keep coming. And then they're mortified when I tell them, actually, this is from a water treatment facility. These are all different cups of water that have obviously, there's contaminated water here, right? So they test levels of different water sources. So why is this such a powerful image? Because we're all human beings, we're all here with the same opportunities to know Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, we're all here, and yes, we'll have different struggles and different tests in our life, but we ultimately choose what we consume, right? What we take in. Every one of us has the same free will, right, to choose good versus, you know, evil in every instance. And so if we're not cognizant of that, then, you know, we want, obviously, all of us in shahla, we want to be that first cup on the right, clear, pure, you know, untainted. But because we're not paying attention to what we're consuming, we end up taking in, oh, a little bit here, it's okay, a little bit here, it's okay, oh, I'm not going to read Quran today, but I'm going to go and, you know, watch a Netflix series and waste my brain cells. Okay, well, you do that over time, and it's going to turn into that dark drink at the end, right? Whereas Allah subhanahu alaihi wa s-salam is always calling us to his remembrance and to do good works and to really think about how can I polish this vessel of mine because I'm accumulating sins all the time, but we have to be mindful of that. And then when we are mindful of our own vessels, then inshallah, we can have that as part of our parenting as well, which is really essential. So here are the prophetic principles back to that shepherding model that we want to think about. And the reason why, again, that image I wanted you to hold it is because you have to be a person of character before you demand it of others. You cannot be a person of low character and then expect that your children are going to have high character. But there are a lot of people who curse, who lie, who raise their voice, who do not have good character, who are impatient, who explode, but then they want model children, right? I want my children to be perfect. It doesn't work that way. So when we say you have to be a leader, you have to be responsible, we are saying you have to do it first and then your children will learn from you. You have to be knowledgeable. You have to know your deen. There are a lot of parents who don't invest in their own knowledge of deen. They don't study aqida or fiqh or Qur'an. They don't know how to read the book of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. They will not invest in themselves, but they will bring their kids to the Sunday school and pay the fees and then really get hard on them for why aren't you doing your work? Why aren't you doing your work? But if it's time to read Qur'an with them and they come to you and you say, oh I don't know how to read, go to so-and-so, how are you effective? You have to learn to be able to model what you want for your children so that when they see you doing it, then it's normal for them. But if they're like, oh you don't even do it, why should I do it? And once they get to the age of logic and reasoning and being able to talk back, they will come to you. You don't even do it, why should I do it? And how can you defend that argument? So you have to be knowledgeable. You also have to be attentive. If you're always looking at your devices when they're talking to you, and we're all guilty of this to a certain degree, but you have to have the presence to say, wait a second, my child has entered the space and I have a short time with them. And this is the heartbreaking thing about parenting. If you have ever met anybody who's in the later stage where they're empty nesters, they cry for the years that they neglected their children, because now they're alone. Now there's no sounds in their home. Now there's no doors opening and closing and all of those noises that children make, the laughter. It's none of it. It's dead silence and it's very uncomfortable for a lot of people who are lonely in isolation. There are entire groups of people and areas in our world where there's a crisis of loneliness because parents have children that have left them and now they have nobody. So if we don't realize and appreciate the value of our children when they come into our space, and honestly it's one of the most heartbreaking things and I'm speaking as a mother, like when you watch your children suddenly overnight they're grown and you're like, all those years when I could hold them, I see some precious babies here with us, hold those children and do not ever forget that that will, it's not going to last. And they're going to grow up and they're going to go on their own path and it's really hard, but we have to be attentive to them. So when they come to you and they want to tell you a story and you've heard it a thousand times before or they're one of those and then and then and then and then it just never ends. It's hard because we have things to do, but wallahi just give yourself pause and say I have to appreciate this joy that this child is presenting in me because a lot of the adults in the world have lost it. Our hearts have just lost joy, awe of Allah. We don't get excited about things that are deserving to get excited, right? So when a child comes to you they're kind of, they're an eye, they're a sign for you from God that look, look at this child who can find joy in a leaf, in a rock, in a pebble. So be attentive and that means put the phone away. Look at them. Our eye, parental eye is so potent. We don't realize that our children are hungry for our eye. They want to be seen. They want to know that we, they matter and nobody can do more than we can. Nobody. Nobody can give them that feeling of I see you more than the parent. So be attentive, listen to their stories, answer their questions. Why mommy? Why daddy? Answer. Be in control, right? Back to the shepherd model. You have to know how to know the difference between authority, right? Authoritarian versus authoritative. Authoritarian is I have to raise my voice to get something from you. I have to threaten you. I have to take something away from you, snatch it from your hands. If you're doing that, you have no control. You have no control. You're forcing control. You are demanding respect but you're not commanding it. Commanding respect is having management of your emotions and speaking in a very direct voice so that the child knows that you, there's no option, right? If you ask them to do something, you give them the instruction and it's not, you know, there's no debate because you're the authority. You've established yourself as an authority but if you're having to debate every single time, we've lost control and so you have to go back to how can I establish that communication because if the child doesn't feel like they want to listen to you, maybe there's something that you need to explore there. Why? Why don't you want to listen to me? Are you upset with me? Is there some resentment you're holding? Talk to me. Let me know so I can heal that wound because you're coming at me with this aggression. No, no. Well, there's more to it and if we actually probe a little bit, we might find that they are holding on to some pain so explore that and communicate. Be resilient. As we mentioned, you have to realize you're not always going to be in control and you have to be able to bear through the tough times and not fall apart. InshaAllah, Allah is with you and your dua are powerful and remember they ultimately belong to him but don't fall apart just because you have a crisis or a problem with your children. Turn to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Be compassionate children and youth especially teens need empathy. They need compassion from us more than they need our demands and our threats and all those ultimatums. They need compassion and patience and respect. Children deserve to be respected if they don't want to wear, for example, a shirt and you are forcing them to wear it unless you know there's a real reason. You have to ask why. Maybe they feel and I know I have, you know, I've seen this happen too. Some children are more sensitive to certain fabrics, for example. So if they're telling you it's itchy, I don't like it, please, then you have to find a solution. Maybe wear an undershirt but not to be like, no, you must because that's disrespecting the very basic need which is I am uncomfortable and I don't want to go to this event for five, six hours miserable because you want me to look like a little trophy kid. So respecting your children is meeting their needs or listening to what their needs are and trying to meet them but actually wanting to hear what's the issue. Not be quiet. What do you know out of the way if so many people talk to young children or if they don't want to eat something, don't force them. Sometimes, you know, some picky eaters I understand they might like the attention of being the picky eater in the family. So you kind of have to discern whether or not that's happening or if it's really that they don't like something and work, you know, navigate that conversation respectfully. Be vigilant, be consistent, be humble, all of these qualities we have to possess, inshallah, if we want to be effective parents, right? And so how do we prepare for leadership? Well, you know, we have to understand our self-well, our own needs, the needs of those in our care, the needs, I'm sorry, we have to understand those in our care and also their needs, the potential dangers and threats that are out there and how to prevent with proper measures. We have to seek the help when necessary. Sometimes, you know, we don't seek help at all, which is a problem because we are a dean of the SIHA and we should seek out people with experience who can help us but do it obviously in a way that is, you know, comfortable for you and ultimately the most important thing that we do is we rely on Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala and submit to His will. So constantly bringing it back to Allah. Now, because we, this is Quranic parenting and we are talking about the Prophets, we need to now set our sight on the, on the, on Him, right? On His blessed countenance and example for us. So the character of the Prophets, as was described in many hadith, was likened to a walking Quran, right? And He had the greatest character, right? The Prophets was described in the Quran directly in chapter 68, four, verse four, as having the great, great character. So, and then of course, Allah also reminds us, Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala also reminds us that He is our example, right? In chapter 33, verse 21. And that He, Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala, in everything He did, right? Every word He said, all of His concerns, His worries were for us, right? He wants our success. And here in chapter 9, verse 128, Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala says, there has certainly come to you an apostle from among yourselves. Grievous to Him is your distress. So He is, you know, pained by our burdens, Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala. He has a deep concern for you and is most kind and merciful to the faithful. So, you know, think about that when you're again looking at His example and His words and His instructions, that it's all out of love. It's out of concern. And that's where, you know, where He's coming from always when it comes to these things. And then the Prophet ﷺ is the most gentle. So by, again, all from the Qur'an, these verses. So by mercy from Allah, O Muhammad, you were lenient with them, right? And if you had been rude in speech and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So just mentioning His beautiful qualities that He was always lenient and gentle with people. So this is our example. And if we don't see ourselves reflected in anything here, if we don't have gentleness, we're not concerned, we're kind of in our own world's self-centered, egoistic, you know, lives, we're very, very far from His example. And of course, character is virtue. So you have to think about all the virtues that He possessed. He was the most trustworthy, the most honest, the most loving, the most kind, the most compassionate. He was always empathic with everyone and we'll get to that in a moment. But all of these things speak of His character. Also the descriptions of Him in the hadith. So those are from the Qur'an. And here are the hadith that describe Him. Said Aisha, she says, or I'm sorry, Qatada, he said to Said Aisha, oh, mother of the believers, tell me about the character of the Messenger of Allah. And she asked him, have you not read the Qur'an? I have, of course, he says. And she said, verily, the character of the Prophet ﷺ was the Qur'an. So he was the Qur'an, again, walking, right? How He honored His children or children in general, not only His own children, but others as well. This is from Anas ibn Maddik. He said that the Prophet ﷺ would pass by young boys and greet them with peace. So you want to think about that. Do you do that? Do you, are children invisible to you other than your own? I feel like a lot of us are just walking by our children. You see in this community, nobody wants to greet the children. They just walk right by because they see them as nuisances. We shoot children away all the time. Go to the kids' section. Why are you here? Or we see, this, and I always have to catch myself because we do this reflexively. We'll see families. We'll see our friends. Oh, and the kids are just standing there and nobody's turning to the kids. How are you? This was His sunnah to go down and talk to the children, meet them at their eye level, ask them questions, engage them, make them feel seen and heard. And imagine if we all did that to our children, to each other's children, what a beautiful community we had. But you have a lot of children who are invisible to their own parents, and then they come to the community and they're invisible to the community. So you think they're not going to want to be seen elsewhere? Of course. And that's when the social media becomes something, right? Let me go get an Instagram, a TikTok, and then become Insta famous. Or let me go and join other groups that do see me, right? Because there are other people who are well, willing to welcome our kids in, fully embrace them. But it comes with a price. Give up your dean, right? Don't be a Muslim and you can be part of this club of inclusivity. We're all a family, right? This is the message that they're getting outside. So if we don't step up as a community and start seeing children and honoring them the way our Prophet's life taught us and taught us, then we cannot complain when we find faith crises happening or them just not wanting to come to the masjid anymore. And this is a failure on us, right? Because we've strayed so far from his example. The Prophet was also playful with children, right? So he would play with Zaynab, the daughter of Aum Salama, and he would even like have little cute phrases like, oh Zaynab, oh Zaynab, just imagine him saying that to a, you know, this little girl and how special she felt that here's the Prophet of Allah, you know, playing these little games with her. That's our, that's our Prophet's life in him. So he's our example. And this is not just for your own children, right? We have to be better when we're with even children that are not our own. And then he was also very loving and endearing. So there's many stories about the Prophet's life with children, but one in particular is when this boy who was called Abu Mer, when he lost his little sparrow, the Prophet's life said him, you know, really attended to him because he lost his bird, his pet bird. So the suffering of, you know, children, even in these little things, when their toy breaks, right? When they drop their ice cream cone, their little hearts broken over things that we might think are trivial. But if you don't stop and empathize and show them some compassion in that moment, then again, you're not following the Prophet's life. Because for some people, especially those who are not from cultures where pets are even kept, that's, what's the big deal? There's a bird. You know, there's millions of birds. That's the kind of attitude a lot of people have. That's so harsh to tell a child that even if they had a bug and they love that bug, you can't be like, oh, it's a big deal. It's just a little snail. Oh, well, it got crushed. No, it may have had a bond with that snail. Maybe it was talking to the snail, maybe the snail was a friend or even with toys. So we have to be really gentle when we're with children, as was his example. This is the, again, the character of the Prophet's life. This is prophetic parenting. More hadiths. This is from Anas. So he says, I serve the Prophet's life for 10 years. He's not his child. And he never said, oof. Oof is what? It's the word that many of us say when we're frustrated. We're like, oof. Oof. He didn't even say that. So imagine all of us were like, no. No. It's just automatic for some people. You know, and for no reason. A lot of us have become so tyrannical that we have the most arbitrary rules. Today you can watch a little bit of TV tomorrow. No. Why? But you let me yesterday. No. I said so. That is tyranny. And that is so confusing to a young child. Like, you're not consistent in your parenting. Why is it based on your mood if I can have a piece of candy today, but then because you're bitter at the world, you want to cut me off from my joy? This is because we don't, there's no concept of like, treat the child with respect and stop projecting your, all your anger and frustration onto this little pure vessel whose heart is in fitra. And it's, he or she was sent to you so that you are, you know, the minded of God. We have to do better. But he can even say, oof. I can't even imagine, right? Because we all fail so miserably. But subhanallah. And he says, why did you, he never even told him, why did you do so or so and so or didn't do? So imagine all of us when we get upset with our children for not cleaning their rooms or dishes. We do it all of us, but we have to learn from his example that he didn't assign blame. And that's the point here. There was no shaming. You can certainly be responsible because you want to obviously, you know, lead your children to correct behavior. But the shaming is what we're addressing here, right? The prophecy didn't shame children. So if you're shaming your children, like what's wrong with you, right? Learn, we have to all learn. May Allah forgive us. Aisha then also reported, I have not seen anyone who resembled the prophecy in terms of word speech and manners, more than Fatima, his daughter. And she, now look, she's describing the interactions between the prophecy and his daughter. So this is for all of us who have children, especially those who are, who have daughters, fathers in particular, look at how the father greeted his daughter. I mean, the prophecy greeted his daughter. When he saw her coming, he would greet her. He would stand up from his place. So imagine she went, enters the room, the prophecy, some would stand because he wanted to welcome her, right? Embrace her. It wasn't like just come in and sit there. I'm going to welcome you. And then he would go to her or she would meet in the middle, kiss her, take her hand, buy the hand and brought her to her seat. This was the prophecy I said with his own daughter. So how are we with our children? Sometimes we're pushing them away or we're just, again, shooing them. He welcomed, and this was their way of visiting each other, this beautiful rapport of mutual respect, love, right? Between their hearts. And she would do the same, right? When he would visit her, she responded because she learned from the best of examples. He modeled it for her and then she would do the same. So she would stand and greet him and kiss him and also lead him to his seat. I mean, it's just so beautiful to imagine a father doing that for his own daughter, right? With so much love. But we can all do that. And of course, for mothers, we can do that with our daughters and our sons. We should just learn this goes for all across the board. And then Abu Huraira reported that this another Sahabi al-Aqra bin Habib saw the prophecy I said, kissing al-Hasan, right? So, you know, and he said, I have 10 children. So here the prophecy was kissing his grandson and this man is like, you know, I'm such a tough guy, right? Because he, that is not his culture or custom or in his family, that was not normal to have a grown man like doting and being affectionate to a young child. So he's trying to act tough. And he says to the prophecy said, I have 10 kids and I've never kissed any of them. Like as if it's a boastful comment, right? He's boasting to the prophecy said. And the prophecy says he who does not show mercy towards children, then no mercy will be shown. So there's a direct correlation. If we are not merciful to our children, we better watch out. Because the most merciful does not forget. So be very careful about this attitude that a lot of people approach parenting. Like I have these defined roles and I don't bend because my dad was this way and my mom was this way. No, raise your children differently than how you were raised because they were raised in a different time. Say Naali gave us that sage advice. Do not raise your children the way you were raised. They're different. They're living in different circumstances. And especially the children of today, they need love. They're in a very difficult world. So they need love. Now this is a topic that we don't have too much time to cover, but it's so important because I speak about this a lot. But if you do not know what emotional intelligence is, it's really important that you know it because it is basically a modern framework that parallels perfectly with the prophetic example. And it's just a simple guide, a five-point guide that helps you to understand how to be more prophetic-like. So emotional intelligence to me is the same as Sunnah because if you read the five qualities, then you'll understand. But it's basically the ability to identify and manage one's emotions as well as the emotions of others. The process I've had that, he was perfect at that. And here are the five qualities. So when you become emotionally intelligent, you are self-aware. You know yourself well, your temperament, your personality type, all those things that we should know, even these ideas like the love languages. We should know what your love language is and you should be able to communicate that. If you like gifts, you should tell your family, I love gifts. That's how I feel loved. If you like words of affirmation where people are giving you compliments when you prepare a dish, for example, and you're waiting like, where's my feedback? Tell your family, I feel loved when you actually give me feedback over the things I do for you. If I clean the house and you guys come out from being out all day and I have the house is spotless and beautiful and the clothes are done and laundry is done, I want recognition because I feel loved and appreciated. So tell me, good job and husbands and wives, we have to do this to each other. We have to know each other's love languages. Sorry, the third quality time, spend time with each other. If that's your love language that I want to be around you, I want you near me. Even if you're doing your own thing and I'm doing my thing, I just feel loved when I feel your presence. Tell your family that, not just your spouse but your children. They should know what your love language is or physical touch. Some people are very affectionate and if you don't feel like those daily touch-ins, like a hug here, a pat on the back or a kiss on the cheek, whatever it is that you feel, just some affection and love, tell your family that that is your way of receiving love and so that they can learn empathy. So they can learn to give, not just give what is comfortable for them but give according to what you need. And then the last one is what we talked about, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch and acts of service. This is really important too. If you are juggling all the time, you're managing the house responsibilities, you work outside, you have elderly parents, you're taking care of, and it really means a lot to you when something is taken off of your checklist or to-do list because someone else did it for you, you're like, thank you. I don't have to worry about that. That's your love language but communicate that to your spouse and your family so that they know how to love you accordingly, right? That's what self-awareness teaches you, is you have to be well aware of yourself so that you can teach other people how to be around you in a healthy way. And then self-regulation is to control yourself, the ability to not always give in to every impulse and every urge. If you are reactive in all situations, you're a very dangerous person because you have no regulation. If you're constantly like a button gets pushed and you explode always, you're triggered easily, your emotions are out of balance, you need work on regulating your behavior. And that comes from the taskiah process, right? We're taught taskiah at the nefs, you know, where we we address the spiritual diseases of our heart. So there are books, mataratul kulub, the purification of the heart, 25 diseases of the heart outlined for you, signs and symptoms. This is by Shechamza Yusuf, excellent book. Everybody should have it, read it, look at it and be like, oh wow, I have this disease and that disease and that disease. Okay, what can I do to get rid of it? I better work on myself. That, you know, process of working on yourself makes you better as a human being. And guess what? You'll be better as a spouse, you'll be better as a mom, you'll be better as a dad, as a son, as a daughter, as a brother, as a sister, as a friend, because you're working on yourself to become better to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. So it has a ripple effect to all of your relationships, but that regulation process is essential, right? And then motivation. You have to be motivated to, towards higher goals, right? You cannot just have worldly goals, right? I was with the, uh, celebrate mercy last night and Shechiyas al-Fahmi may Allah protect and preserve him, gave a beautiful talk on this point that a lot of us are so limited in our goals. Everybody is with their children even, oh, what do you want to be when you grow up? And, you know, doctor, engineer, lawyer, and we're like, yay, we're so accomplished as parents, you know, our children want to be these wonderful things. That's it, right? He was like, that's it. You have really, you have to work on your dreams if that's your limit, if that's your ceiling to want to be a doctor and engineer. What about, you know, greater loftier aspirations that are more pleasing to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala? Not to say that there's anything wrong with going in the medical field or the law field. It's like, we've got to raise the bar for our children to aspire to greater things. Like, all of us should make dua even right now. Ya Allah, make my children hufadh of the Qur'an. Like, why not? Make that dua. Ya Allah, give my children your book. Put it in their hearts. If they're going to sit here and listen to lyrics and, um, and watch all these shows and memorize all these lingos from commercials and, and whatever the shows they're watching, why are we not, you know, excited for them to learn his book and putting them on that path? We should want them to. They're sponges, right? So make dua that are lofty for the other world, not just wealth and material success in this life. Sure, you can want those things, but if that's it, then you don't have the right lens, right? So motivation is always looking to something greater outside of this world. And then empathy, so important. Again, time after time after time, you will see examples of the Prophet's lesson teaching us empathy, what it looks like, right? I mean, we know that when, uh, when he would be leading the prayer and if he heard the wailing or cries of an infant or a child or a toddler, what would happen? He would not read from the longer suras. He would not stay in Sajda for, you know, an extra 30, 40 seconds because he was empathizing with the child who has a need, but also with the mother whose heart is breaking to fulfill the need of her child and wishing the prayer was over soon, right? So this is the Prophet's lesson teaching us. He, uh, many famous stories. One, one's Ikrama, who's the son of Abu Jahl, wanted to meet with the Prophet's lesson after the battle of Uhud. And, and when he came, he, the Prophet's lesson, you know, he commanded all of the, I'm sorry, battle of Badr. When he came, um, the Prophet's lesson commanded the, uh, Sahaba to not call Ikrama, right? Ibn Abi Jahl. Don't call him the son of the father of ignorance because that was his father's name and he did not want to break further Ikrama's heart. He just lost his dad in battle. So he instructed his Sahaba, don't call him that. Just call him by his name. That's empathy, right? He told us when there's two of you and a third person, don't speak in secret. Don't talk in a different language. It's rude. It makes the other person feel left out. You are hurting another person unnecessarily. So don't do that. This is empathy. Example after example after example. When a woman came to him once when he was sitting with his companions, imagine this. You're with your friends. You're just, you know, you're, you're having your own social interactions in a beautiful setting. Everything is lovely. And then someone comes in disrupting the gathering in a agitated state. I need to talk to you. I need to talk to you. Many of us would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. We may even, I would shame the person. What's going on and not really know how to deal with that. We may not react properly because it's, we feel like it's an intrusion on our gathering, right? I'm speaking to someone. You don't know. People react in different ways. The Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam subhanallah, this woman, she had a mental health, she was known to have mental health problems. So she came in this agitated state saying, I need to talk to you about something. And he received her so beautifully. First, he honored her and he listened to her. He let her say what she had to say. Then he said to her, pick any street in Medina and I will come and I will sit with you and I will listen to whatever grievances you want. You pick the street. I'll come to you. That's our Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, right? And he did. He went to her and she was able to pour her heart out and he listened to her. So many examples with children, with animals, even animals. As I mentioned, many of our cultures are very heartless when it comes to the care of animals. We don't, you see people out of the bilah kicking cats and dogs and just, oh, they're disgusting. They're dirty. All of it is not from the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam's example. He did not do that. He did not treat the creation of Allah that way. SubhanAllah, he hugged the palm, the day palm tree trunk when it wept, when he changed his mimbar. He literally hugged a tree that was wailing. And this is mutawatr witnessed by many of the sahaba. But he extended empathy to a tree. Many stories of empathy. We can go on and on, but he, especially with animals, the camel, the bird, many stories. We need to inculcate empathy as adults so that we can then teach it to our children. And then social skills. Very important that we understand how to be around different groups of people. Adults should be comfortable talking to children. Children should be comfortable talking to adults. We need to teach our children to say sallam, to not cower when an adult asks them, how are you? And you see a lot of shutdown of conversation. Children freeze. I don't know what to say. Why is that? That's wrong. It's a failure on us to not be able to give them the skills to be able to speak to people. So expose them to good people, to good company. We can't just have them in these controlled environments all the time with their peers where they never learn how to engage people of different backgrounds, of different ages. So we have to work on our own social skills to know that if we have our social anxiety or problems with that for ourselves and then teach it to our children. And so this is the next, so that's unemotional intelligence, but this is just a quick, I like acronyms because they're easy to remember. So this is an acronym on prophetic parenting. All the things that we just talked about that I hope is easy for you to remember. CPR. We know what CPR is, right? It's to resuscitate someone who is losing, who cannot breathe, right, or who's losing life. So in order to give them that life force, we give them air through CPR, right? So CPR. Compassion. We need compassion if we want to be successful and actually give our children the best in line with the provost lesson example. We have to be compassionate. And this is a really important point. Most of our struggles as adults are actually, in fact, egoistic, right? Egoistic is selfish. It's like my needs, right? Whereas children's struggles are egocentric. And what does that mean? Is they just want, like, they want you to, they want attention on themselves, but it's not, it's not the same because egoistic, it's like it's serving your needs. So when you're, and not to say that we obviously we have, you know, we care for our families and we're thinking of others, but sometimes in our daily exchanges, I mean, you know, when things get petty, when we're moody, when we're having those, you know, interactions with our children that aren't going well, sometimes we can become egoistic where we're, it's a nefs. Whereas children just need attention. They just need to be seen and heard, but it's not really for any other purpose. There's not an ego involved there, right? They're struggling to find their voice, their place, their identity, in a world that is intimidating and anxiety inducing. So we have to be gentle with them, right? And this is again another hadith. You must be gentle. Verily, gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it. And then patience, right? When you're, while your clock may always be ticking, remember children don't quite have their own concept of time. So sometimes we are rushing our children. If you're really looking at a lot of the negative interactions, we're rushing them a lot. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. I got to go. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. And then we get mad at them and explode on them when they don't do something in our time, right? I told you five minutes ago. I told you 10 minutes ago. If you're talking to a three, four, five-year-old, good luck. They don't know the difference between one minute, two minutes, five minutes, 10 minutes. It's all, it's all relative to them because they're enjoying La La Land in their games, right? But we get mad and we, we abuse children because, or we, with our words, that we get upset with them and explode on them because we think that they were disrespectful of our time that we set for them. It doesn't work that way. We have to understand how their minds work. They're especially children under seven that are in that stage of play where they're in an alternate world half the time. They're in an imaginary world, right? Because their minds are so creative, masha'Allah. They're not with us, you know? So our concept of time and theirs is different. And we have to remember again this Hadith of the Prophet ﷺ, consideration is from God and haste is from the devil. If you're rushing all the time, you have failed to time-manage. So do not project that frustration onto your children and punish them because you are late for something, right? If you're late for something, then you were mismanaging your time. And now if your child takes five extra minutes in the bathroom or to put on their shoes, it's not fair to make them feel bad or shame them because you're running late. No, own it. You failed, but be gentle, right? And then the rapport. Become an emotionally intelligent person and you'll know how to build prophetic rapport with your children so that they gravitate towards you instead of being intimidated, repelled, and distant from you, right? Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala says, O Messenger of Allah, it is a great mercy of God that you are gentle, right? We read that verse before and kind towards them. For had you been harsh and hard-hearted, they would have all broken away from you. This is an excellent reminder for us of the formula for anybody, not just in our Dawa, but even with our children. If we're not gentle and we're harsh, they will go from us. It's inevitable. If you're a harsh parent and you don't have these qualities, prophetic qualities, your children will not want to listen to you. They will not want to be around you. They will basically buy their time until they can leave your house. To me, that would be the most tragic thing ever that my children are in the house begrudgingly, hating every minute of it, and just looking at the escape. As soon as I turn 18, as soon as I go to college, and I'll just bite my lip and make it through this, like that's our home environments all the below, that we've created homes where that's the reality, that they just can't wait to break free from the shackles of our parenting. But that's a lot of kids I'll tell you. I work with you with all the time. That is what many of them are thinking. They cannot wait to break free. So what are we doing to create environments, homes where children don't even want to spend time with us? All right, may Allah forgive us and guide us. So on this topic of the last point of emotional intelligence, I just wanted to mention this because it's really important. If you have young children especially, this is the time I had a sister earlier asking me, she has a young girl, if she knows of any classes and opportunities for her children, and we explored some concepts, and then she said she was going to put her in to public school, and I really caution, I just have to speak freely here, I really caution parents putting their children in public school. If you have options, I have to just speak for my heart. Because I work with youth, I know what's going on with them, and we all, if we're paying attention to the political environment we're living in, the schools are not what they were, and they are not what they were intended to be. It's not just about education anymore, it is about indoctrination, and you are seeing a lot of parents actually go away from public schools towards other private schools or homeschooling, homeschool models, because they are seeing it for themselves. They're looking at curriculum being handed to their children. Their children are asked to attend classes without parental consent, and they're forced into these conversations very young that are inappropriate that they're not ready for. So I really caution parents, please, if there are options for you to not put your children in public school, no matter how high the ratings are, how amazing and stellar their programs are, what amazing STEM programs they have, please, for the love of God, if you want your children's Eman to be preserved, don't send them there, look for alternative options, inshallah. But I mentioned to her that in addition, she needs to look for like-minded families that have children of similar age so that they can create bonds, sacred bonds that can last, because we're at a point in history where we have to, we have the, alhamdulillah, our community is strong, may Allah protect our community, we have our masajid, we have some semblance of community left. Other traditions don't have that, there are a lot of empty churches, a lot of empty temples, a lot of empty synagogues, because people aren't going there, and may Allah not test us with the same fate, but we have to also, in addition to supporting our masajid, our institutions, and our teachers, we also have to create communities, smaller communities of like-minded, you know, people where we can come together and raise our children together so that they have good sohbah around them at all times, and they don't seek out friends that have very different views of life than they do, but that's what will happen if we don't supplement or offer them bonds, sacred bonds, and we prefer more dunya. Chasing the dunya is something that, again, a lot of people, it's one of the diseases of the heart, hubba dunya, is that we get too impressed and distracted by all of the worldly delights, and all the worldly, so we want money, we want wealth, and that's the goal, so then everything becomes about that. What school can I put my kid into that will get them the best test scores, that will get them the best colleges, that they can make a lot of money, and that we can travel, we can eat, and we can have the best hotels, and we can fly business class, and we can, it's just dunya. The most important thing we can do is say, what can I do for myself, my family, my children, that their iman is intact because this world is designed to test them. They will go through tests, and if we don't give them Islam and fortify them with the right protection over their hearts, then may Allah, we don't know, we shouldn't even, I mean, I don't want to, we don't even want to go there, but we have to, you know, realize that their faith will be, will be perilous if that's the case, may Allah protect and preserve them, so it's our job, again, to, to provide that. So what are sacred bonds look like? You know, the virtues of good company and friendship, this is, again, from the Quran, and keep yourself patient by being with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and evening, seeking His countenance. So if you're friends and the people that you are bringing to your home or you're going to their home, don't do this, don't call on Allah, they don't even pray. If you sit through dinner and Maghrib enters and nobody gets up to pray, that's a problem, and if your children see that those are the types of people around, then when it comes time to pray at home, they're gonna be like, ah, I don't feel like doing it, because you've just shown them all of your friends and all of the people around that they don't care to pray, so it's, why can't I not pray either? I don't want to fast. There's people who don't fast, but they're your friends, so now your parents, your children are seeing that that's normal and that's an option. Okay, I guess I don't need to fast either, right? So you have to be very careful of the friends that you, that you keep in, that you bring into your intimate spaces, intimate, right, and make sure that they are those who call upon Allah, seeking His countenance, and let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, right? Don't worry about climbing social, the social ladder, and trying to get into that in group, and that group, and who I want to be invited to this Dawat, and that wedding, and that dunya, that shouldn't be your concern. If you never get invited to any of the social events that are happening, sorry, if you're not getting invited to any of those events, then say alhamdulillah wa shukrullah, especially if you know what's going on there. And these are social environments, we're dancing and free mixing, and a lot of, and lack of remembrance of Allah is happening. You didn't lose anything. Allah protected you, and you have to see it that way, right? So don't seek those things out, and do not obey one whose heart we have made heedless of our remembrance, and who follows his desire, and whose affair is in ever a neglect. Make sure, again, that we choose the right company and the right people who become, or who influence us, right, in our behavior. If they're heedless, if they're in rafla, why are we following them? The Prophet ﷺ was reportedly asked, which of our companions are best? And he replied, one whose appearance reminds you of God, and whose speech increases you in knowledge, and whose actions remind you of the hereafter. Again, this is the yardstick that we should measure, the company that we keep, and also ourselves. Are we these people? Are we people who remind other people of God? Are we people whose speech increases other people in knowledge? Do we have, you know, good actions that remind people of the hereafter? If we don't, the believer is supposed to be a mirror for the believer. Why are we seeking out, you know, excellent company, but they're not also putting some investment in ourselves, so we have to start in ourselves. But we should also seek out excellent company. And the Prophet ﷺ said, a person is on the religion of his companions. Therefore, let every one of you carefully consider the company that you keep. And then, alir adilah reminds us, mix with the noble people. You become one of them, and keep away from evil people to protect yourself from their evils. Again, this is so essential because if we want our children to have excellent character to preserve their iman, it starts with us and the people that we expose them to, and the company that we keep. And we have to give primacy more than ever before, I would say honestly, to making sure our children have good sohbah, young. Make sure they have really good friends at a young age that have good adab, that their parents have good character, because those parents may end up being your mentors, that your children's mentors. And I'll tell you, I live this reality, I know this reality. Either will come a time when your teenagers and you may have, you know, maybe butting heads over something. But wallahi, it will be the greatest gift from you when you can say, I have so and so my dear friend who has a bond with my child, and I can call that person and say, hey, having a rough time with so and so, you know, my child, my teen boy girl, can you please make some time to talk to them? It is a gift from Allah to have people in your life that you think that you can turn to. But if you don't have anybody in your life that you can turn to for that role of mentorship when it's time, please seek those people out now. Do it. We don't believe in this, you know, fatalism or defeated attitude. No. Insha'Allah, put your trust in Allah and ask Allah SWT to give you your children good sohbah. Literally make da'ab, add it to one of your Ramadan da'as. Ya'Allah, bring the best company for my children. I need them to have really good friends. Give us good friends, me and my husband, or me and my wife. Give us good friends so that when our children are with their children, I don't worry of what's going on in closed doors, right? Because I know their children are good children. I know their parents are good. I know they have the same philosophy about what they teach their children, what they give their children. But have this intention with the people that you mix with so that insha'Allah Allah brings you the best of company for yourself and for your children. And just some further reminders. Do not speak much without mentioning Allah. The Prophet ﷺ reminds us here for too much speech without mentioning Allah, hardens the heart and the hard-hearted are the farthest of all people from Allah. It's something that we should be very intentional about and I really want to make this point. When we get invited to social gatherings, family, friends, you know, we can't always dictate how that's going to unfold. Sometimes you want to just go to preserve the bond, right? I want to call because that's sunnah. You get invited to somewhere, you go, you respond. So your intention is, I don't want to hurt their heart. I don't want to offend them. They invited me. They thought of me. It's beautiful. But make part of your niyah with Allah, that especially if you have like a religious family, secular family, family that's not interested in religion at all, make your niyah to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and be intentional about it. Ya Allah, make me a means by attending this gathering of opening their hearts. You know, give me the words. Prepare in advance. What are topics that you can talk about that are not overly religious, but maybe there's a beautiful moral lesson value, something that you give them that it's like the perfume maker, right? That you've sprayed them with the perfume of the beauty of our deen, so that even though they may not have bought the bottle, right, from you, that that smell resonates with them and they love it and then after you've left, they may recall that smell and then maybe because you've left such a good impression on them with your beautiful akhlaq and your intentionality to be in those gatherings for the sake of Allah, that maybe you will be the means where they find Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala because it was your beautiful akhlaq every time you entered their space, but have the intention that that's why you're going. Not just because I want to be nice. You know what I mean? Like raise the bar. Because sometimes we respond to invites like with friends and family, but we don't take our intention to this level, like elevate the intention, which is make me a means of guidance for this person. I love them. They're my family. They're my friends. They're not religious, but I love them, but maybe I can be the means, you know, and do it, do that with that intention. And then here's the hadith. The Prophet Salaam says a good friend and a bad friend are like the perfume seller and a blacksmith, right? The perfume seller might give you some perfume as a gift or you might buy some from him, or at least you smell the fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might send your clothes at the very least you will breathe in the fumes. We don't ever want to be Allah like the last, the latter, we want to be the former. And we also want to surround ourselves with people who are not like the latter either. And then the parable of the believers and their affection, mercy and compassion for each other is that of a body when any limb aches, the whole body reacts and with sleeplessness and fever. And then the rights that we have for each other, that we have five rights over another to return the greeting of peace, we have to be better at the salam. As-salamu alaykum, get what? Wa alaykum as-salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Always elevate it, right? You can give the same or, but it's better to give a greater greeting. And if someone obviously says as-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, you don't say wa alaykum as-salam. You match their, their salam, but be in the practice of that, and whether it's verbally or even on text. And wallahi, I mentioned this in a previous talk this week, and just yesterday, I was sending a text and my son was next to me and he saw me, right? Because it reflects him, W.S. Wa-salam. And I said this reminder that we have to even expand our greetings. He said, Mommy, I said, I love you, because he reminded me, we forget, we get into habits. So I said, thank you. And I went back and I changed it. So little children can be your teachers, but we should give the greeting in the best way possible, visit when someone is sick, follow the funeral procession. So even if you don't know the person who's deceased, it doesn't matter. If you know there's a funeral and you have time, go. Go to the funeral. Go to the jana'zah. Follow it. Because when you go, Allah SWT may send a lot of unknown people and maybe among them are sprinkled with saints. You know, maybe there'll be a bunch of saints that come for your time to pray over you. So be intentional. And then answer the invitation as we mentioned and respond to the sneeze, right? So someone sneezes and teach your children, young. Alhamdulillah. What do we say? Ya Rahmaq Allah. What do we say? Ya hadekum Allah wa yasleh ba'alakum, right? Learn the Dua and teach them to your children. And another narration of the procession, when he seeks your advice, you counsel him, right? So be also the type that is, picks up the phone when people reach out to you for help. Don't just turn them away because you're too busy with your own problems. You're on time. Got apathy and lack of concern for others will also come back to haunt you at some point when you need help and nobody wants to pick up your phone call. Everything there is a sunnah of Allah, the law of reciprocity. How you are with others, Allah will show in your own life. So if you want to be that person is like, I don't have time. I'm too busy. Then don't be surprised when nobody comes to your aid. Allah will show you these things, right? Do not hate each other, do not envy each other, do not turn away from each other, but rather be servants of Allah as brothers and sisters. It is not lawful for our Muslim to boycott his brother for more than three days. That's it. Three days work it out. You have an ego problem after three days. You really do. Your ego is in charge. But if you got three days to deal with your issues, whatever the resentment is, whatever the hurt is, the pain is, but after three days for the sake of Allah you have to be willing to have that spine, pick up the phone or go to the open the bedroom door. If it's between spouses, sometimes this happens. You know, you get upset with each other and then it's a cold war. Not for three days, unfortunately. For weeks sometimes. For months. It's terrible. And Shaitaan is just loving it. But you have to challenge yourself to say, I have to get over my ego. So I need to go into that, their space and go, hey, we should talk. And just because you do that, you initiate a conversation, doesn't mean you're saying, I was, you're, you know, I'm completely in the wrong and you're in the right. What you're saying is, I'm a grown up. Right. I'm a grown up and I hold myself accountable to Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala and our Prophet ﷺ said, we have to work things out after three days. So here I am. Let's work it out. That's what a grown up does with a proper understanding who has command of their ego. Right. And then the final thing, because I know this has gone on. Forgive me. One more thing. Never ever forget. Daa. So all of these advices and all of these reminders, of course, the culmination of that should lead us to constant reliance and turning to Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala. We have got to call on Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala with what, as the Prophet ﷺ says, with certainty that he will answer you. Know that Allah will not answer the supplication of a heart that is negligent and distracted. So if we are not really all convinced of Allah's Qudrat, of His power, and we are weak in our Yaqeen, right? The Prophet ﷺ said, مَا أَخَافُوا عَلَى عُمَّتِ إِلَا دَعْفَ الْيَقِينَ I fear but for my ummah the weakness of certainty that we don't have certainty in Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala. He feared that for us and we are in this age where we make half hearted daus. If you can, but if you can, to Allah, Qunfe Ya Qun, he could do anything. You say it with Ya Allah, you can do all things. Please Ya Allah, make this easy for me. Ya Allah, please fulfill this need, fulfill this need, whatever it is, but you do it with that certainty that Allah can do anything and you want to be worthy of that. So you say, make me worthy, right? Forgive me. Whatever you need to say, call him by all of his beautiful names, but do it with certainty, insha'Allah, right? And be patient because Allah will answer our daus either in this world, he may delay it in the next world, he may replace it with something better. But to think for a moment that your daus will not be answered is tantamah, tukufah, because what are you, that's you're not realizing or you're limiting Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala and who are we to ever limit Allah? We can never do that, right? So don't let your mind go there. And if you go there, that's a waspasa from shaytan, al-dhubala ma shaytan ar-rajim. I don't ever presume to know what Allah will do. I just put my need out there and the rest I submit and I surrender, right? So Alhamdulillah, that is the end next week. Insha'Allah, we will do balanced parenting and there's another one as well. I forgot the title of that, but you can see it in the, in a flyer and we will close next week, insha'Allah. But I'm happy to stay on for any questions for a few more minutes. I know we went over any questions or comments. Yeah, I know it's an excellent, excellent question. Jazakil al-khirin. So the sister asked about a situation where you know, some of us want to come and you know, to the sacred spaces to do our own worship and we may even bring our children just to be participating in these beautiful events and nights of, especially of this month. But we may find that other families because they also have the same intention though, they're here, they might not be managing their children with correctly and in that they give their children devices where it's unsupervised and maybe exposing not only themselves but also other neighboring children to content or just in general to the device, you know, without permission or without the, you know, the desire of the parents who are praying. So that's absolutely happened. It happens all the time and I'm sure we're all witness to that. So I do think this goes back to personal responsibility and all of the things we talked about as parents. We have to raise the bar and really be mindful of our spaces. You know, how you conduct your business at home is between you and Allah but your behavior that impacts other people is more, you're held more accountable, right? So if you're going to do something and it harms or potentially exposes other people to harm, that's going to be greater against you. It's going to be greater than whatever you're doing that it's just between you and, you know, I mean, it's just you're only harming yourself. So we have to really take that to heart and that's part of, you know, becoming more emotionally intelligent when I talked about those social skills and empathy and all those things. If you're not thinking of other people in general because you're so self-centered then it doesn't occur to you that, wait a second, my giving over my child a device because I can benefit from their distraction may, in fact, distract other people, right? Then that's not the right, you know, protocol. What else can I do? So this is where I think, I mean, a couple of things. Obviously, we want our children to come to the massage and we want our children to be here but this is where the parents have to coordinate. You know, there might be a time where, and I saw this actually happening here even just earlier, but there might be a time where you have to hand off. So if you're wanting to do some extra prayers, you know, and your husband is free or your wife is free, they have to maintain the children while you're doing your prayers and you're responsible. You have a guardian basically taking care of that responsibility. That could be one thing to bring them but the parents are handing off and tag-teaming and taking that responsibility and allowing for each other to benefit from their worship and the space, right? Another thing is that you can find a, if you, if you really, if it's difficult for you, then find someone to watch the children. Sometimes people have, you know, other friends or family in the, you know, in the message too that they may ask, can you please watch them while I do some extra raka'a or whatever it is, but look for helpers because there are sometimes people who have no problem. They would love to sit and play with the children and this is also a good way to encourage community and so if your children are comfortable with that person, ask them. Could you watch them for just a few minutes but to just immediately default to the device, I think is really the issue here, right? Because this becomes a nuisance in even the rest of the congregants not wanting to hear the sound of, you know, shark, whatever that song is, baby shark shark. Now I don't want to hear a baby shark when I'm doing, you know, my, my external effort, right, or reading Quran, but if you, for you that works at home, then you have to have a plan B for the, for public spaces. Plan B is more considerate of other people, right? And so think not so much about your own needs but also how you can have a system that's mutually beneficial for everybody, also for the child because it goes back to make sure the child is safe, feels good, is happy in the care of whoever you leave them and not just, you're not just neglecting them, of course, that would be terrible. So those are all some suggestions. The other thing is, as a collective, as a community, we can certainly organize with the masjid and ask if there is a way to hire or to, you know, bring in some services during prayer time so that we have actually qualified, well-trained supervisors with children who know how to engage children who can maybe manage, you know, the child programming part so that parents can come out here and enjoy all of the other talks and benefits of the, of the, you know, masjid without the fear of, oh no, it's my kid being exposed to something or learning something that's not beneficial. So there are a lot of things we can do in the space. Outside of that, obviously, the answer would be to leave them with other caretakers that you trust and then allow for the congregants to come together in peace. But I'm personally, I would love to see more children. We just have to do better about managing them. So it's an excellent question. It's like, well, okay. Thanks. Any other questions? Salamu alaykum. Thank you for coming. Yes. Sure. Sorry. We're just going to wait for the microphone to turn on and then. Do you have any advice for parents for small but impactful habits that they could pick up to help them, you know, get closer to Allah and the Quran and to prophesy salam when they are managing smaller children who require perhaps a little bit more time, a little bit less sleep, things like that. So just small but impactful things that are easy to be consistent with. Sure. Mashallah. Jazakullah Khedin for the question. So I can only speak from what has worked for me and what I've seen other teachers or other people that I believe have also found, you know, things that work for them. And I think, you know, as we know, we're all creatures of habit and children are certainly creatures of habit. So at a young age, I think if we really increase their connection with the book of Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala, their connection with Nashid, with Zikr, right? So that when they're very young, they understand that there's a routine to your day, right? We have the five daily prayers that are kind of interspersed throughout the day and sometimes we do it at one time, another time we may do it another time, right? It's not as routine based, right? But there are certain routines that can be fixed every day at a certain time. So one of the things I speak about often which our teachers really encouraged us to do is as a family to have that, have a practice of a litany, right? A word. And so in the morning, for example, in my household, Alhamdulillah, and this has been for decade, maybe over a decade now, we've done this and it works, is we have a Bluetooth speaker. So it reaches the house. Everybody can hear it. And the boys know I have two sons that in the morning when they wake up, they go and they play the word which is, you know, on a YouTube link and it reaches the whole house. And then, you know, so that's the morning routine. We start the day off in the remembrance of Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala. After that, we also listen to, there's different Nashi'ids, you can listen to Dula Al-Khairat, the Barda, you know, whatever you're comfortable with, many other Du'a's that you can listen to as well, but we do usually Dula Al-Khairat and then we also listen to Quran. And that's kind of our just day, like in terms of what's going on. Everybody could, because I home school. So my kids are doing their home schooling work or I'm cooking, but there's always something playing that is connecting them to the Book of Allah. And Alhamdulillah, as someone who used to teach children Quran, you know, previously, I know from working with children that they love to play even if they're playing with Legos or their blocks or drawing or coloring or painting and also be listening to something, right, because they have that natural affinity to rhythm and rhyme and music, musical, most children love dance and song and play. So when you find them reciters that they really like and I would create playlists for them, there are now much all I mentioned this last week, but there's an app called Claria, Q-A-R-I-A-H that's an all female, they're all female reciters. So if you have young girls, I would definitely encourage them to find maybe some connection there. I mean, certainly any of the great reciters, but just give them a curated list that's special to them and that it's their playlist, right, so that they can go and listen to certain suras or nashiyids even, because if those are even more musical, right, and that becomes a routine for them and something that they always know is there and for you, it actually helps because you know, you'll see your children kind of almost in like a trans-like state when they're doing their games because children love they're in the imaginary play, right, so part of the challenge for a lot of parents is they want our attention, a lot, right, so it's like you're trying to cook and they're like, mommy, mommy, mommy, come play, but come do this with me and then we're divided and torn, but I think if there are times, pockets of time where you can keep them engaged in their activity, but also feel almost as if there is a presence with them, right, through the nashiyids or through the angelic, you know, realm, because there's angels, of course, that come, then I think you'll find those are good breaks for you, like, oh, they're enjoying their little nashiyid song and dance while coloring or doing whatever and you can then take care of other things. For you, as a practice, the word is certainly important, but also finding dhikr that you can do throughout the day even while you're doing daily tasks, right, so for some people, salawat is something they love to do and they're people of, I know people who do thousand or more salawat a day, that's just their practice which is the greatest of the thqar or la ilahilallah, whatever dhikr that you feel is speaking to you, maybe calling on Allah's specific names, you know that speak to what you're going through, but finding those ways to channel your mind back to him, right, is really helpful, but having a habit of that, right, and inshallah, you know, those are the things that come to mind now that I think if you, you know, start with, inshallah, you'll feel that barakah, you know, in the household and I would also say as a side to that is limiting the amount of, you know, entertainment that they're watching, I know it's very normal for, because, you know, but I really think stipulating some, some clear limitations about like television, especially, is really important. They're too drawn to that, it's very, what I said about the imaginary world, you're, you're teleporting them into someone else's imaginary world when they have all the imagination in their mind, and if you do that too much, and then what they do is they don't want to come back into their world. Now they all only want that world, and so I feel like although it's a crutch for some of us, if we create a dependency on that for our kids and we're stifling their own imagination and creativity and that's, that's really sad if you think about, right, so imposing restrictions, I would say, I mean my, my kids knew 30 minutes to an hour a day, in most days it never really happened, but that was always the limit of cartoons and devices, games, like we have iPads, they are only allowed on Friday, because our teachers taught us like Yomal Juma is a day of Eid and celebration, so you should always have exciting things to do for your kids, right? So if you're going to teach them anything from the Seerah or Quran, have their favorite treats with them if they like cookies, cupcake, ice cream, just make it, it's okay, one day of the week to break some of these dietary restrictions for fun so that your children have this positive association with Allah and with Dean, right? The Juma is a very special day is really important, and so in addition to doing that, I also added games. I said, you can have your games, but as they grew older, because now I have preteen and teen, they have to do chores on Friday. So Friday is their day of chores and then rewards. So this is now the next level of parenting, you know, where you want to teach them inshallah to work and strive and really, you know, have some responsibility, inshallah. So yeah, inshallah, that'll help Fiyaki. Baratullah Fiki. Alhamdulillah. And Jaina, we're a way over. So I think inshallah, we will end here. Jazakumul akhir. And thank you everyone. If there are any other questions, we can wait till next week, but I'll go ahead and end in dua. And thank you so much, everyone, for being here. Inshallah, we will see you next week for the final week, inshallah, of this course. Baratullah Fikr.