 All right, so good morning. Good morning, Charles. Good morning, everybody. Thank you for connecting for our class. We'd be moving forward with what we've been learning so far. We're into the next week of our sessions in class and the last time we were looking at making the choice and there were a couple of questions that came about. So would anyone in maybe in a couple of sentences would like to give a gist of what we covered the last week, anybody, in a few sentences? Hello, ma'am. Can I speak? Hello, Maxon. Yes, please go ahead. I think you will look on compatibility realms when you make the choice on the life pattern. Being spiritual compatibility, emotion and intellectual compatibility, physical compatibility, and the compatibility in life is calling. Also, we look on watching warning signs about when we are choosing the life pattern such as signs of immaturity, lack of preparation, character weakness, and the parental dependencies. This is a few. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, Maxon. Thank you. Great. So Maxon covered some realms of compatibility. We looked at what compatibility was. We said it was a place of agreement. We said we look at four realms of compatibility, being physical, intellectual, emotional in one's calling, as well as spiritual compatibility. We also looked at certain warning signs. We did look at the question is there an appointed one, one and only appointed one. We were also talking about discerning God's wisdom and doing the seeking as you discern God's wisdom, and that's where we stopped. So we take a turn from there. For your reference, I'm at page 32 of the book. And if you'd like to follow along, it would be great if you can do so. So the last time we were looking at, you know, making the decision when we said that, you know, when you were looking at it in relation to the question, is there this one and appointed one only? And we were looking at making the decision in light of a couple of factors. So when you make a decision, what are some of the factors that you look at, which is what we did look at. We said there's a combination of the following what God's word says. There is the leading of the Holy Spirit, the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and the wisdom and judgment wisdom and counsel that you can get, Godly counsel that you can get. So when we look at how do we discern God's guidance? Now, discerning God's guidance in any issue, scripture does show us and it teaches us, gives us very many scriptures of how we can know and understand the will of God or what he directs or guides us to do. And there are scriptures to base our understanding of how we discern it. So specifically two things and I want to open up some scripture to start with is Romans 12 to a very familiar verse for all of us, which says, do not be conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may know what is good and acceptable and perfect will of God. So as we discern God's wisdom, we are looking at having a renewed mind. So what does being renewed in our mind really mean? What does it consider? So it is to be able to understand, able to reason and to understand the direction that God is giving, that is showing you, right? So if it is a choice of a partner, that's the case that we are talking about, is to be able to reason through, to understand, to ask questions and to see if that is in light of what scripture has shown and it has taught us. And whether this reasoning, the thinking through is as per the will of God, is as per how God has directed us. So that's what renewing of mind means. It's also thinking through using your wisdom, God-given wisdom, the understanding that you have or the revelation that you may have through his word or through his spirit. So we are looking at discerning God's wisdom first of all through the renewed mind as well as the power of the Holy Spirit. So the Holy Spirit does teach us, does prompt us in making those decisions and we see that in Colossians 1-3 where it says, we ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will with all the wisdom and understanding that his spirit gives. So he is the source of wisdom. He is the source of understanding. He is the source of direction. So as we listen to the Holy Spirit alongside with renewing your mind is when you can discern God's guidance and move ahead in the choices that you make. So when you discern God's guidance, there are certain things that we recommend as you follow through that to consider. And this is what we are also talking about. Renewing your mind is using the wisdom God has given you. So first and foremost, if you remember in the last chapter, we spoke about expectations, right? Writing down expectations about what you are looking for in a partner. So as you're making that choice, finding out first and foremost, does this person have the qualities and the traits that I'm looking for or that are important to me? So to have that in place is important to make a good decision. The second question that you would ask is, since we did go into the realms of compatibility, what are someone is waiting to be let in? Yes, ma'am. They are all waiting. They are called. Okay, I think, all right. Usually when people do... Just notice here that if there are multiple people joining in, sometimes it doesn't automatically admit to you. So if that happens, please try once again. So please try once again and it can be admitted. It's because there may be multiple people trying to come and enter the meeting at the same time. So if you are not in, just try a couple of minutes later and you can join in. Okay, so we are at page 33 right now. We are at page 33. So the things that we need to also consider is, is there compatibility in the four areas that we did talk about? Another question we need to consider is, has there been adequate preparation? Those seven areas of preparation that we were looking at, has there been adequate preparation? Are there any warning signs that have not been addressed? Are there any specific aspects that seem to be coming in as a red flags? Is there a leading of the Holy Spirit to make the choice? Do you have God's leading, prompting the peace of making this choice? Are there any kind of external indicators where you know that God is working? Are you seeing God's hand working through situations outside of maybe whatever you're thinking of or whatever you have written down or whatever there is an expectation that's there? Is this mutual? Is this something that is agreeable to both sides, to both partners? Is there also support, approval from the family, from the parents? So we do see that this may not be possible in all situations. Maybe especially in times when they do not agree to, maybe to faith issues. If that is so, we do realize that this probably is not a possible place where you may get support and approval from parents, but something to consider. And lastly, is there support from your spiritual mentors who overlook your life? So these are certain factors that you can look into when you're looking into choosing and needing to discern God's wisdom for that. Not just looking at these factors, but being led by the power of the Holy Spirit as well as operating of the renewed mind with wisdom and counsel. Yes, Charles, I think you had a question. It's like the approval of parents. I hope that you can shed more light though we are seeking God's guidance, but when the parents are not in agreement with what you believe and the faith you have in Christ, both of you are going to marry and you want to follow culture. You want to pursue the culture that the parents must have. How do you do? Do you dissuade the parents? And do you go with the lady or the husband? Just an inquiry. Thank you. Can you hear me now? We can hear you, Charles. I think Pastor's gone mute. So you had had the question. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know I was on mute. Sorry. Charles, yes, I heard your question. I heard your question. If I've missed out any question, you could just please put that up on chat. So I'd like to respond with certain examples. This may not be applicable to all cases. I think every situation, every instance may be very different in the way that it presents itself. So there are times when the young people who are to be married who have decided and who are both believers and believe that God's guided them into the decision, wherein there is a family who hasn't agreed. There are times that couples do wait for a period of time till they can continue conversations with their families, wait for them to agree or to have them bless the couple. So I know of situations where couples have waited for a year and two, just waiting for the parents to come to an agreement. So that's been a case like that. There have been times when people have waited, maybe have not found an agreement, but have informed parents that they are going to go ahead and get married with the help and support of the spiritual mentors. In those times, what is most needed is that there is a sense of, in the relationship, there isn't strain in the relationship between the parents. So there is a lot of effort to support and treating them with kindness and with love and with patience and just trying your best to work in peace with the parents who may be unsupportive of the decision of marrying a believer. The third instance, as far as I can remember, is when couples do seek help and support from the leadership of the church to discuss with their parents and to open the conversation out, to understand their apprehensions of the marriage or apprehensions about what really is it that they find hard to consider in the marriage. So different instances, but these are possibilities that can happen. I think what we first of all need to look at is to work difficult decisions in peace as well as to work in such a way that I think specifically in our culture, Charles, the family is very deeply integrated into the life of a couple also. So to completely detach away from a family has a lot of repercussions to it in the sense of support, in the sense of feelings of oneness and togetherness. So in the culture, largely in the culture that we may be in, a lot of times, yes, people still do wait for the response, the agreement of parents up until the time that they feel led to move ahead. So that isn't one straight answer to that. I think that depending on the situation, it may be quite different in different instances. I hope I answered your question, Charles. All right, I think we'll move forward. So we'll move forward. So since we did talk about discerning God's guidance through making the choice, there may be certain times that finding a partner may not be as easy as it is for some people. It may take a lot more of time. There may be a lot of waiting, a lot of looking out, a lot of searching that there is. But what is our stance at that time? What should we be doing? Should we be moping around, feeling depressed and sad that nothing is working or is there another response that we are to be imbibing while we are waiting? So scripture shows that we continue to be patient, even in affliction. Romans 12, 12 says that be patient in affliction. So continuing to have hope that keeps you rejoicing and also to operate in faith because faith is the evidence of things that are not seen. So at the time of waiting, not keeping back everything that can be taken on because there are times when people who are waiting in marriage step aside everything else. They keep aside all other plans or keep away everything that God has given them in their spirit to do. Everything comes to a halt, but it is important to continue to do what God has called you to do in that season of waiting. So staying occupied and busy with whatever God has entrusted you to do. Whether it's a job or maybe it's studies, maybe it's ministry work, maybe it's building on certain skills or certain vocation and at the same time taking time to work on yourself, to develop yourself so that, like we spoke about those preparation areas, the first one, to become the best you. So doing all of that in faith, knowing that in time, there could be a choice that you're going to be making. So it's not a period of sitting around, lazing around and being passive, but it is an active period. It is a time that waiting period is a time of activity and should engage you in the things that God has called you to do. Now when we look at marriage, we also understand that the misconception that the wedding ceremony is the biggest event that you and your fiance would come to. But the wedding ceremony in itself is only the beginning of what you're going to face, you're going to have in life. So even as people prepare, when we talk about preparation, it's not preparing for that specific day. It's preparation for a lifetime. Because yes, there is a lot of things. I mean, you get married once and you want to get married well. So that is good to plan that and have good things in place. But yet not to forget that even in the busyness of that preparation, there is a preparation of the person, the individual, the heart. Because even through preparing for the... I've seen especially in the sessions that we've had in premarital counseling, just them preparing for the wedding really helps them to make decisions together, to communicate openly, to resolve certain conflicts or to resolve certain ideas, opinions that may be differing. And that actually comes out in life to know how much more there should be preparation for the years ahead of marriage. So the wedding day is an event, but the marriage is for a lifetime. So not getting too focused or too lost in the ceremony or the days that follow or proceed, but to be preparing yourself to deal with the challenges that can come about. Now, something else that we'd like to look about is marriage is something more than just finding the right person. And I think we've been talking about this over and over again. And as a result, one of the biggest recommendations is never Russian to marriage. Take time to prepare and take time to look at these areas with someone you may find, because the excitement of finding somebody and then immediately deciding, say, okay, this just feels right. It just appears right. So then let's just get into it. I think that's a mistake a lot of people do make, but taking that time to establish an understanding of each other, like it says in Proverbs 24, 3 and 4, a home is built on wisdom. Sorry. On wisdom and understanding. And it is with knowledge that the rooms are furnished. So taking time to, even if you do find somebody who seems perfect, you've probably known someone for over years, maybe 10, 15 years, you'll have grown together over the years. And you may know many things about the person, but actually getting down for a preparation and really talking heart to heart about these seven areas, about your expectations, about what it is you're looking for, what you desire in seeing a home as the way God has designed it. So be prepared to take that time. So something that we do when, excuse me, so something that we recommend to young couples is to at least take a three to six months time of preparation before they fix their dates for marriage. So taking this seriously. Now what happens, I think one of the certain things that we do look at is an engagement period. And I know this could differ in very many cultures, that there may be, for some cultures there is an engagement period that moves to a span of a couple of months or it may be a few days or they may not be a formal engagement. It may just be a word that passes. But even as you are in that period of engagement, there are certain guidelines that we look into scripture to find out. So the first and foremost one is knowing and understanding that there is no sex before marriage. So if you look at scripture, Hebrews 13.4 talks of how you need to honour marriage and to guard the sacredness of the intimacy between man and woman within marriage. Or even Paul talks about it in Thessalonians of how we keep ourselves away from sexual promiscuity. So refraining from any form of sexual encounters during the time of engagement is something that pleases God. That is the rest of marriage to enjoy physical intimacy and it is important to keep that as a guideline. This guideline or this standard is higher for those of us who may be in ministry, who are serving your church, who are doing things for kingdom work. Paul tells Timothy that he says, don't let anyone look down upon you because you're young. But be an example to all the other people in your speech, your conduct, your faith, your purity. So it's something that we are called as those in ministry, those who are in... I believe that all of us are ministers, all of us are ministers to God, wherever we are, whether we be in a local church, whether we be in our workplace, we are carrying the example of Christ all over. We are carrying His name all over. So we are held in higher standards. So our lives needs to be an example also because being a person who is of marriageable age, there are so many young teens or young children who are looking and watching and learning from you, so ensuring that you stay in being the example that God has called you to be. So even as we're talking about an engagement, also to know that what could be some signs that a breakup of an engagement may be inevitable or may be necessary. And I know that this is also quite... in some cultures it is quite difficult. After an engagement has been arranged or it's been said, it's been done very often to break it up can be a sign of... it can be very socially or culturally very, very difficult. But it is always better to walk into a marriage understanding that there are those red flags or those signs that have been discussed or that have been worked on. So some of the signs that a breakup may be necessary could be one where there is... in the character of one of the members or one of the persons where there is strong manipulation or if there is abuse, if there is controlling, if there is a lot of authoritative nature, if that's what's really coming out, be wise to step away from such a relationship or it can be if there is emotional dependence, if there seems to be high emotional dependence on the other person, looking for ways to feel better or maintain themselves only in the presence of the other. Are emotional or our entire dependence should be on the Lord and not be on any individual. So if there is a sign like that, if there is any time that you find someone being extremely emotionally dependent on the partner, that again is a red flag. Yet again is not taking up responsibilities, carrying up significant responsibilities in life. Maybe it is being careful about finances or being able to stay in a job, maintaining a job or any kind of commitments that were kept failing those commitments. That can also create issues when people are not able to hold responsibilities and carry out their own tasks that is given to them or that is entrusted to them. Or if there are certain differences that you do see if there is a big gap in the way that there is your calling or the desire or the passion for God or the fact that you do see differences in the way that you desire to do ministry but your partner has a different calling in itself or if the maturity in growing spiritually is not as what you see, there are differences. If there is a big huge gap in those, that's another condition or that's another sign that one needs to take care of. And of course if there are any problems within their character, be it addictions, any kind of extra relationships, unhealthy relationships, unhealthy dependence, any form of behavioral issues that you may find, that's again another sign. And lastly, if there is a strong disapproval of parents and spiritual mentors collectively, when there is a reason that is given, that's again another sign that you need to take care of if that needs to be a break up in the engagement. The last portion of, I think someone has a question. Yes, Christopher, yes, go ahead. I'll find out a little bit. Christopher? Yes, can you hear me? Yes, I can. Yes, I wanted to just find out with regards to publishing the wedding bands, is that something that came out of the, I mean, is it Biblical? That is one of the second question around that is, has the publishing of the wedding bands, has it had the desired effect in relation to ensuring that those two, I mean the couple has, you know, I mean everything is all proper and with these bands they have uncovered certain things that have resulted in this, I mean the wedding not happening. So just wanted to find out about that. Okay, so I may need to check on this, Christopher, I may not be accurate in my knowledge of this, but I don't think this has a Biblical backing to this. This is more in the stream of having witnesses in, you know, having the presence of very many witnesses in establishing a covenant. So if I do understand it is, you know, that's one of the reasons. The second, of course, it is, we're in a social cultural setting to be able to pronounce these bands so that if there are any objections or if there are any, you know, any related struggles or problems that may be known to some, that it can be bought forth to the leadership, to the pastoral leadership, and then be questioned. Like for example, if I understand that maybe there could be someone else who could probably add to this, but let's say, you know, someone who's wanting to get married is probably already married, but there aren't any records or any account of it. So when it is being publicly spoken, pronounced, there is a larger group, a community that hears of it. And if there is anyone, there is an objection. It is bought forth and, you know, it is seen into. It does have a cultural, I think it has a cultural backing, as well as what I'd mentioned, that it is in the presence of witnesses that a covenant needs to be made. So this is my understanding, but let me just, I'll put this question up. If there is anything more to this, I shall, I'll get back and answer this once again next week. Is there anyone else who would like to add in any details if, okay, all right. So, yeah, so the next portion that we are just going to be looking at is this, the understanding of being single, you know, we've been exploring this about marriage and how God instructs us in how he's designed it and what is what needs to be considered when one needs to be married. And we also do understand that this is part of the, it is part of a, by default, marriage is a part of the Genesis Commission, and we see that in Genesis 1.28 where he speaks to Adam and Eve and says, be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. So it is part of that Genesis Commission. However, we understand that maybe in all cases this may not be the part that everyone needs to need, may want to take and we just want to provide certain understanding of what the singleness could mean and when is it that you can make a choice like this. So there are three specific scriptural insights that we bring about. One is that it's a choice that one makes for the purposes of bringing about the extension of God's kingdom. And we see that written in Matthew 1911 to 12. I'll read that out for you. But Jesus said not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some from birth seemingly never give marriage a thought, others never get asked or accepted and some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the vagueness of marriage, do it. So there may be many reasons why a person may choose to be single. But something that Jesus points out over here is some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons or for the work of God. Because they would like to devote their time entirely for God and for pursuing something that God has called them for and as a result may remain single. So if you're making a choice because you want to extend God's kingdom you know Jesus says here in scripture actually allows it and says some people want to do it and it's fine if you do it. Also to remember now going back to what Paul said, you know we know that Paul was single and he says that doing so is a gift. He says it's something that that is a gift and maybe I think we'll just read that scripture in 1 Corinthians 7, 7-9 and 28. Sometimes I wish everyone was single like me, a simpler life in many ways. But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriages. God gives a gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others. So what he's stating here is that singleness is something that comes from God an empowering that comes from God and not everyone may want to follow that path or has the empowerment of being celibate and absolutely it talks about further. It is not sin it's not sin that you get married. So if you look at verse 28 it says certainly no sin in getting married whether you're a virgin or not. All I'm trying saying is that when you marry you take on additional stress in a stressful time and I want you to want to spare that if possible. So that is again a possibility that Paul is talking about however saying that if you are being single you are also taking on that life of celibacy and that's something only God can empower you to do and the third thing that is bought about in scripture is that it is it's something that you focus on on pursuing things of of God or things that are spiritual in nature. So with the responsibilities that marriage has and if you just look down on that entire scripture from 1 Corinthians 7 32 to 38 it says of how being married has a lot of it says nuts and bolts of domestic life there are a lot of responsibilities that you may have you may need to you know work alongside with people please them there may be a lot of demands on your time and on your attention the time that you spend has to mean to you know get divided in caring and working with each other however the unmarried are spared of these responsibilities. So he says marriage has bring about this host of responsibilities but when you consider a life of singleness it is to focus your attention on really taking on what God has given to you. So it is service back to God and it also says here there is nothing inferior and if you look at verse 38 it says marriage is spiritually and morally right not inferior to singleness in any way although as I indicated later because of the times we live in I do have pastoral reasons for encouraging singleness. So he says that you know it is it has although it has many responsibilities it is in no way inferior to what to a life of singleness. So what are some of the things that you would need to keep in mind if you feel inferior to a life of singleness and answering these three principles one is is this for kingdom reasons that I would want to remain single. Do I think that there is an empowerment of God and a strength to remain single and pure for the rest of my life. Is there a specific calling that God has called me to and what would I be able to devote at this time what energies or what time would I devote in serving God against the desire of having a family with you. So if these questions can be answered you can consider that maybe consider a life of singleness however you need to continue to proceed to continue to pray and asking God to help to first of all to help prepare yourself for a life of marriage as well as to keep yourself open to the idea of marriage. So today we spoke about how we can discern God's wisdom. We were talking about how certain what are certain signs that a break up may be necessary what do you do while you're waiting for marriage or for a person or for finding a person also what does it mean during the time of your engagement what are some of the guidelines that you may need to pay attention to and lastly we spoke about singleness. We have around seven to eight minutes and I'd be open for questions if there are any at this part. Yes Charles would you like to give me your question? Charles and Christopher I think both of you have raised your hands. Can you hear me now? Yes Charles I can. Charles I can hear you go ahead go ahead I can hear you go ahead. Do you like to ask a question? Yes go ahead. I'm looking at the last topic that you have done about singing singo Yes sorry Charles you're breaking up would you please put your question on the chat. Singo and the sing all those singleness out of this policy even when when the person is a servant a servant of God but they feel desperate and they choose to decide to stay singo because they have not found a mate can't it be out of this policy? Okay I think your question was about singleness being as a result of despondency is what I think you said was anyone able to hear Charles? I'm not too sure if I heard the right thing Charles if you can just put your question up on the chat that will be helpful because I don't think I heard you completely. Christopher would you like to ask your question till we wait for Charles to put it down on the chat? Okay okay okay fine alright so I think Charles what you did ask was can singleness be out of desperation or out of despondency is what I think you asked so in order to answer that I think number one okay so number one is when we choose to be single out of desperation it's almost like giving up on what God one can do and what God has in store for you and having the faith having the endurance to continue to wait for his will alright so I believe it's the heart that matters on why you decide to be single is it that you decide to be single because none has chosen you and as a result you know life circumstances happen in such a way that you are single but even in the midst of that knowing that God is sovereign in every event or circumstance in your life that even he can use the singleness in order to bring about his victory his purposes, his glory his direction, his calling in your life so here I believe it's the heart that matters you know out of the heart comes the issues of life so as a result in no matter where what life turns life often can throw us into many situations but if we are to look into God's word we are to be hopeful hopeful be patient in afflictions knowing that as it says in Romans 8 that all things work together for good so has that been taken as a resignation that you are single because you are resigned to it or taking it as you know God's leading into something greater or something different which you can continue seeking for so I see that singleness should not be in desperation but it should be as a result of a calling that God has for you but let's say if circumstances happen that we are seeking God to understand what are those purposes what has God called you for I have a very dear friend of ours you know waited on marriage for many years till he was 46 and even through those years of waiting so that's what a good 20 years from a marriageable age of 26 to 46 a good 20 years you know kept it didn't lose faith kept believing that you know that's what God was leading him into did his preparation kept preparing himself was open to meeting with people and you know that breakthrough happened at 46 so it shouldn't be as a result of desperation but it should be as a result of a calling is what we also read and learned I think there's one more question Maxden here in South Africa most people are singles yet they go out for the lovers secretly should we say it is another character of singleness or just avoiding to be held caring responsibilities okay so I think it would be the latter avoiding the responsibilities that come with marriage because marriage in itself is a commitment to not just of course to a person but also being able to fulfill your role as a husband or as a wife and the responsibilities that come alongside with it so if it is done in secret or if it is without a desire to get into a commitment I would see that that's something that isn't pleasing to God because God not just develops us in our character even when we are married he develops us in our character as we take responsibilities greater things for the larger issues of the family working on ourselves through all of that so yes if there isn't a commitment it is to avoid a responsibility to avoid what God has called us for and going out for lovers secretly again is not the scripture tells us to be to keep away from any kind of sexual promiscuity anything that keeps us away from knowing God and his his will and his plan for us so this could be outside of God's plan and God's desire for his people alright okay we've come to the end of this hour we'll thank you for joining in we will meet soon for our next class thank you we'll meet back in 10 minutes at 11-2 thank you