 Hello people, welcome back to another video. I'm going to be doing a little bit of a different video today I have to be really honest with you guys. I've Recently been taking a bit of a slump in my mental health recently and it's It's been been pretty hard to deal with it. It's been very very difficult to deal with Just like with anything any sort of problems or thoughts that I've had. I just thought that I would Come on here and talk to you guys about What's what's been happening and I want to talk a little bit about You know what depression is like for me Just so that I can get it off my chest and and hopefully if you're watching this and You're sort of in the same boat. We've been struggling a little bit lately. You'll find it somewhat helpful so I was diagnosed with Depression and anxiety when I was 14 years old I'm 22 now And it started Started with some anxiety issues the anxiety quickly turned into Low self-confidence. I Struggled a lot with interact with people. I didn't feel like anybody really wanted me to be around them It's probably something that's quite linked in with autism because Obviously, everyone was changing a lot and I Didn't quite grasp, you know what the difference is between myself and other people were at that time But the the low self-confidence and the anxiety problems quickly You know, it made me feel very helpless You know as the years went on going into maybe 16 years old. I You know, it started to get a bit more severe I started to self-harmed quite a lot I mean like my whole arm with my whole left arm left wrist both sides is just covered in Covered in scars because of this stupid habit that I had when I was younger. I Think the reason why I did that Is because I Felt so worthless And I hated myself so much for it Everyone I felt like everybody else hated me. So I it made me feel like I was doing something productive to Hurt myself It's really weird. No, no, it's really stupid But I've kicked that and I didn't I haven't done it since I was 17 years old. I Did it for quite a while? But that wasn't it really I was I was struggling on a daily basis. I was struggling with anxiety going to school in the morning and throughout the day and You know, I got worse and worse and sometimes I had a meltdown and panic attacks and stuff pretty much most days I Had a very supportive school like a school network over there for a Special needs unit when it's called the bridge And they used to go there quite a lot when I was feeling overwhelmed And a lot of the time after school, I would I would come back and I would go training or something I go to my taekwondo training Go I Go with you know, the usual low self-confidence and motivation I always had but It was more of a routine for me so although it was extremely Extremely difficult for me to go every single time. I still I Still went You know, I had panic attacks a lot on the way to taekwondo sessions And then after I'd finished my anxiety would sort of calm down a little bit because the exercise And then I would start getting depressed and stuff at night And at one point I was I was really addicted to Exercising a lot. I would I would exercise, you know until I threw up or something just I Would just constantly do it all the time any sort of free time that I had I would do it because it helped with my anxiety, but The long run I got a lot of light injuries and it made me very sick and skinny and my mean system was really bad I used to Have too much sugar Too much like way too much sugar. I would I would drink like a two liter bottle of coke I'd have like a bag of Harry Bows every night it was the It wasn't like The sugar like the taste of the sugar I needed. I Would have so much I would drink so much in such a short period of time that it would It would give me like a like a headache I would Have so much it would it would peak and then it would make me feel sick lethargic and ill And for some reason that That made me That helped a little bit of my anxiety and stuff So I do that quite a lot and that was pretty much a daily routine for me when I was younger Exciting the morning Overwhelmed at school Coming coming home eating Going to taekwondo often having panic attacks and stuff before Low self-confidence training feeling a little bit better with my anxiety coming home Feeling very depressed and You know upset with myself if I didn't you know reach these stupidly high expectations of myself at training and I would you know, I would exercise a lot and I would Drink loads of sugar And I would self-harm quite a lot That was pretty much all I did When I was younger, you know at school I would I would Study a lot. I would always try and read ahead of the the years that I was in so I wanted to go to university and stuff so I would Study hard. I would train hard, but I Didn't enjoy life at all When I was younger, it was absolutely hell for really alone really really just Unbelievably alone even the people who like I knew closely. I didn't feel like they really understood me. I Didn't feel like my parents really Grasp just how how much it was how difficult it was for me So the thing is with depression is that No one really knows how much you struggle with it. It's often the You know the people who are The strongest the most mentally strong the most emotionally strong people who deal with You know that the hardest amounts of depression the hardest level, you know that this really severe levels Know the people who want Like that they they've gone You know they could they couldn't cope with it and rightfully so it says very difficult thing to deal with So you never really know You know how it is for somebody They could be very emotionally weak and mentally weak and have a low amount of depression and that could be enough for them, but it's all superficial for how you view people and You know like I would say that I'm quite I'm quite a strong person I'd spent all those years just Doing things that I hated Doing things that are really tough for me Trying so desperately to interact with people even though it was just scared me shitless fighting competitions Despite just absolutely dreading the fall of it because of all the lights and the sensory stuff and The confrontation and stuff. I did enjoy it. I enjoyed doing it. It was it gave me life You know, it gave me it gave me something to focus on Every time I got in the ring When I was fighting I would envision My pain in my opponent. It wasn't like a personal thing. It wasn't like a Confidence thing or an ego thing. It was If I don't try my absolute hardest in this I'm a failure I'm I've given up and that's why I never gave up. I was always I've always been commended for Just how hard I've worked in The taekwondo sessions, you know It wasn't It wasn't always a hard session It really depended on how much effort you put into some into the work into the training And because of that You know, it was very very variable like how well people did go into those sessions And I just tried so goddamn hard every single time Because I knew that as soon as I Since I gave in to anything I Felt weak. I Feel like I I don't have the energy to go on anymore And I just I don't know. I don't know what I would do with myself at all And this is why I try so hard in everything that I do Just know a lot of people compete against themselves Some other people compete against other people For me, it's not that for me. It's You know, I'm competing against against this disease inside of me all the time Anxiety this depression constantly Constantly, it's very easy for people to Look at me and think He's cured, you know, he's got over it And it's not that you can't it's a chemical imbalance. It takes It takes ages to get rid of this. It's not something that goes away easily And even if you do put work in every day all the time for years and years and years it still hangs about Ready to just bounce on you when You feel that you're worst when you have a little setback. It just pounces on you now a lot of people a Lot of people compare depression to being like a black dog Being like something that just looms over you all the time Although in a lot of senses it is like that is It's a melancholic feeling that just Sits on your shoulders and pushes you down constantly. It's more. It's it's different to that Who've ever loved anyone that's Really bad for you Anything that's bad for you the worst people in Life are those people who seem to be trying to help you seem to be understanding you Who give you comfort and make you feel safe But again They're not Doing it for you and despite how much comfort and safety and reassurance you feel like you're getting from this very toxic person They just they perpetuate your own Insecurities they Make you feel worthless they Accept that you're Worthless that you're nothing some ways It depression is like a black dog, but in other ways it's like your best friend It's It's so profound. It's hot. It's hard to describe. It's It's almost like the only thing that you Feel comforting the friends around you can help lift you up and can listen to you But you never you never feel like they really understand you and in that way depression is just it's like a parasite Really lovely Seemingly kind and comfortable parasite And if you feel like it loves you and it understands you Because no one else does in your minds even even despite what you say It's about what you try to make yourself feel Because people don't go back to things that are uncomfortable things that are horrible. Sorry Depression is it's kind. It comforts you you You go to it when you when you feel worthless and you don't want to do it anymore You don't want to live anymore. You you go to it It puts on depressing and sad music it Makes it tells you to eat junk food it Tells you to lay in bed all day and not get up and not work on yourself and not doing it anything it tells you to Ignore people the people that don't understand you tells you to be on your own and Ignore everything else in life that makes you makes you worry and makes you feel scared you tell it about The problems that you're having you tell it about the Worthlessness that you feel that you feel like you're a downer on everyone around you you feel You feel like you don't appreciate things in life. You don't appreciate the small beauties in everything, you know the It's the sunrise or the beautiful flower or the kind person or the Beautiful moment emotional moments You don't care. You don't feel anything and it makes you feel like a Like a piece of shit. You feel like it loves you You feel so warm and just feel so at home with it after all after a while of being like this after years It's hard to know What is you and what is Your depression anymore It's so tied into your personality. So so much a part of your Initial thoughts and emotions and feelings on things You feel like it's just ingrained in you. It's So digging its tentacles into your brain And it is becoming you and the more that you let the more that you let it control you the more that you Slump down into depression the more you think that is helping you but then You just fall down deeper into this hole At the moment that you think that you've you can control it And you stop putting measures in place. You stop exercising. You stop Taking your medication you stop Taking supplements you stop Socializing with people you stop working Stop trying to work on yourself That's when you start slipping down because you think oh No, what this this is comfortable. I'm just gonna stay here for a little bit And then the next time it's a little bit longer And the next time it's even longer and then you just find yourself back at square one just in this shit in this emotional Shit, and it really just is the worst is you find yourself Idolizing you find yourself feeling romantic about the thought of ending your own life thinking about what other people would say and With the people that treated you badly in your life will feel bad and You start creating a moment in your head and you start fantasizing about it You start planning it just in case and then becomes a little bit more real as you feel worse It becomes a lot more easy to To do it because you've put all those plans in place So you know you don't you don't think you're gonna do it You just feel like you should just in case or something. I think the worst thing about it is You know just just feeling like you want to end your life all the time and You know there's people around me people that I love them. I really love People I really love the people that I care about people who want to live and They're enjoying life Who have it ended and they die They die this thing that I I want So much and it's just thrust upon other people that don't want it I don't feel so bad like How could how can I want that? This thing that is just the most horrific event for everybody involved for yourself for other people around you just the worst thing It's nothing good that comes out of it Nothing at all. You can't experience life. You can't love you can't It's no hope because it's gone There's no second chance. You're just gone and I don't know why I want it so much Just explain it You just feel like it's right for some reason. It's not something that can be easily easily understood It's not like it's not like being sad I'd prefer I'd love to be sad all the time It's so cathartic you can cry and you can feel better Depression is just that little parasite in your brain telling you that Everything's okay, and it's okay to be worthless, and it's okay That you're not gonna achieve anything in your life, and it's okay that nobody likes you It tells you all these things that sound like Good things sound like positive things, but really they're just not Because they're wrong, you know, it's it must be very difficult for people out there who know me that Know what I've done You mean like I got I I Achieved a Commonwealth gold medal And I still feel Like I am worthless Because that's what it does to you It makes you feel worthless despite every piece of evidence that tells you that you're not Despite all the good things that you could have done and that you have done And even though you know that it's just it's just the depression Parasite talking to you It doesn't doesn't make it any different Because of course you can you can pass it away Once you can pass away twice you can deal with it for a week You can just push it aside for a week It only takes a little just small incremental steps of you just going. Hey, maybe that is true Over and over again it keeps on rolling and you keep doing it more and more and then You're in a you're in a bad place again It's it's it's infiltrated you infiltrated your brain You feel like it is you and then you realize look You have an epiphany moment when you feel like You understand how you're feeling And you can you can work through it But there's it's only if you find it if the only if you tackle it head on and talk about it and express how you feel Realize and Show yourself that you are Worth something and there you are strong and you are good And that you are kind But you just you can't you can never tell It's so difficult to tell what is the depression? What is you? Because when you've lived with it for so long like myself And it's such an intense degree You know sometimes you slip slip up sometimes you want to just let it consume you You're tired It's tiring Especially when you when all the things that are the most tiring things to do are all the things that are going to help you like exercise meeting up with friends and talking about your emotions with people and And accepting the good things that have happened in your life. I've had a lot of problems in my life, you know Nothing doesn't matter What you've done in your life. It doesn't matter how strong you are I mean just look at Tyson fury heavyweight boxer heavyweight boxer of the world at one point Strength incredibly strong and powerful person succumb to drug addiction So come to depression Got overweight Left his career He's not a weak person He's a person who's in pain And that's what depression does to you. It doesn't matter what you like. It doesn't matter how strong you are If you think that you know if I'd had depression I'd deal with it differently You're very wrong my friend It's not easy It's constant all the time and it's comfortable You want it and it becomes a part of you as soon as you let yourself slip suddenly you find yourself Holding a knife in your hand You find yourself looking online about how to find ropes you find yourself Looking through the medicine cabinets to see whether there is anything that could end your life if you want to And then one night you decide to drink a little bit too much and That's it's there for you And you think you know what screw it and then you're gone It's not an instant thing. It's something that takes a long time and it eats away at you If you don't keep it in check and it does not mean that you are weak just because You're in pain and just because if you have this horrible disgusting parasite It doesn't go away fully but you do learn to Accept it for what what it is you do learn to cope with it You do learn to differentiate between it and yourself Grow as a person and change and grow away from it, but it's hard So so hard it's like a full-time job Constantly every day all day you could be relaxing at home and you'd still have to try and deal with it For any of you who are out there and watching this and feeling a bit worried about me please don't Okay, I just I have these these rare times when it's not rare, but I have these rare times when I'm depressed and Ripped like really really down and I also feel like I can talk about it And then I come on camera and talk about it because I Can only really explained to people what it's like if I'm if I'm in the thick of it or else it's hard to explain For any of you out there who are currently Really really really struggling with it. It's okay to struggle with it It's an illness It's horrible And don't feel bad for feeling like that Even if there's no reason to feel like that at all It doesn't mean that You're a bad person just because you feel like that and there's nothing really to make you feel like that That's what the person is and it's shit. I hope that anybody who's watching this and Feel it feeling like that. I hope that This doesn't It doesn't make you feel worse. It's not supposed to make you feel worse and Trigger you or something like that. It's just meant For you to feel understood just a little bit So I'm not I'm not gonna not gonna go out there and say that I'm you know, you're gonna feel completely understood because it's different for everybody and it's that severity is different for everybody circumstances different Hopefully just a tiny bit and it only takes a tiny bit for you to just go Hey, you know what? I Am going down into a slump. I am falling down right now and I haven't Made the effort to catch myself this time, but I have now I just work yourself back up Surround yourself with people that you care about despite how you may feel about How people don't really understand just try They work you won't feel completely great about it, but it will help a little bit Try do things that are good for you Try just exercise a tiny bit Do you like five push-ups or go for a walk around the block or in the field or in nature and just go for a jog Well, so you're going to do you're going to relax and feel while I win your own Sadness and depression Yeah Doesn't help does it just go do something to any of you out there who while He was watching this You know to really understand what depression is like I Hope that It's helped a little bit The thing is with depression is that it's it's it's a complete different thing from sadness. It's very separate You can't understand it. It's not just being a little bit down kind of Feeling it is there It is this parasite that takes over your brain and it's this thing that's deep inside you that just This black hole that's just getting bigger and bigger the more that you you leave it and the more that you play to it and Think about your how worthless you are it grows and it grows and it You just feel like your world's being consumed by it. I have decided to put together a Spotify playlist I Found that the only real real way that I can Help people understand what it feels like to be depressed is through music and I'm trying I'm trying to make my own music right now, but With the other things that are going on my life my life trying to find a job trying to work on my channel trying to Pick myself up Trying to deal with the the death of someone who was close to me Recently and it's hard, but I'm trying and I'm doing lots of things unboxing and I've gone to the gym today. I've exercised and I feel a little bit better So how do you got to do those small things though? So that that Spotify Link will be in the description and the or comment it on it at the top of the top of the video in the comments If you are feeling down and depressed don't bloody listen to it late It's not for you. Like you don't do that. Oh, no, it might be nice now and again, you know, maybe listen to it for 10 minutes or so, but then turn it off. You need Need something that's more uplifting Something that's gonna make you motivated to get through it rather than something that Basically is depression because it makes you feel a bit more comfort and understood makes you feel a bit shit as well. So Don't do that Thank you for watching this video. I've realized that it's quite a long video. It's gonna pass 40 minutes now, but I hope that there if there is just one person who listens to this and feels a bit better and feels understood and has some renewed motivation to get through it That's that's good enough for me. I'm not in it for the views in this one Not in it for the money, you know And again, if any of you who know me are watching this I'm fine I'm just trying to Be cathartic. I'm expressing myself. You can be strong You can be mentally strong emotionally strong and just because you are failing and you feel like you're failing And you're succumbing to it and you're crying and you're not being able to deal with things It doesn't mean that you are a weak person We're fighting demons People fight kittens You know people fight at the most a lion With a sword and shield at least they have a chance with we've we've got to fight demons You know it's it's a bit more of a long process, but you need to train up a little bit more and it's harder It's scary But you can do it You can make that demon smaller and chip away at it be kind to yourself Thanks very much for watching. See you later guys