 The Jack Benny Program presented by America's largest selling cigarette, Lucky Strike! That's the tri-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si-si... American Lucky Strike! First again with tobacco men! First again with the men who really know tobacco. The independent auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen. Yes, a recent impartial survey shows that more independent tobacco experts smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. Remember, these are the men who year after year can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. And for their own personal smoking enjoyment, they choose Lucky Strike. So let this overwhelming smoking preference of the experts lead you to real deep down smoking enjoyment. Light up a Lucky and puff by puff, you'll see. LSMFT, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and this fine Lucky Strike tobacco means a world of smoking enjoyment for you. Yes, you'll like Lucky Strike. Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, let's turn our watches back to an hour before the Jack Benny broadcast. At the moment, Rochester is driving Jack to the studio. Take it easy, Rochester. Don't cross the double line. You're getting too close to the car in front of you. Look out, I think that bus is going to turn. Watch it, the light is going to change. Not so loud, boys. People will think we're married. So smart. Oh, look, Rochester, look at that old electric automobile. Gosh, I haven't seen one of those in years. I rode one of them when I was a boy. I never could understand how they ran just on battery. Look over, Rochester. He wants to pass us. He wants to drive that old electric car. He's trying to attract your attention. He is? Oh, yes. Hey, bud. Hey, you. Yeah? You bet on do-it-too, huh? This isn't an election bet. This is my car. Drive on, Rochester. You know, I think that Rochester... Rochester, look out for that bus. Got a friend in front of you. Whew. Gee, we just hit it lightly. Let's see if our car was damaged. Oh, boys. Yes? Guess which fender has the Tony? Goodness, it's only the fender. Now, come on, Rochester. We've got to get to the studio. I don't want to be late. Yes, sir. I'll start the car. I have been thinking of getting a new car, but I don't know what kind I'd like. Why don't you get one of those new Hudson's? They're so streamlined. Honestly, boys, they're so low, you step down into them. Well, you step down into this car. I know, but the Hudson has a floor. NBC is just down the street, so I'll walk. You park the car and then get me a sandwich. I'm kind of hungry. Make it a chicken sandwich. Yes, sir. Gee, it's nice that NBC has the dressing rooms of the big stars right next to each other. Just look at them. Pepper McGee and Molly. Burns and Allen. Ozzie and Harriet. Ladies. I hope the scripts are ready. Hello, Don. Is there anything important? Well, it is. To me, you see, I was looking over the script for today's program, and on page 10, I notice you have a joke about my being fat. So what about it? Frankly, Jack, I don't like it. I think it's no longer dignified making fun of me because I'm slightly overweight. Well, if you feel that way about it, Don, we'll take the joke out. Thank you. By the way, that's a beautiful suit you're wearing. You sure have wonderful taste and clothes. Well, you read about me in the paper, didn't you? No, what? I was picked as the 10 best dressed men in radio. Well, I don't blame them for picking you, Don. You stand out head and stomach over everybody. Believe me. Oh, by the way, Jack, I didn't get to hear you on Bob Hope's program Tuesday night. Were you good? Don, I was dynamite. I was sensational. No matter what answer Hope had, I had the question for it. And, Don, you know, this week I'm going to be on the Hallmark Playhouse program, and then I'm going to... Here's your sandwich, Mr. Benny. Oh, thank you, Rochester. Excuse me, Don. Oh, for heaven's sake, Rochester. I wanted this sandwich on white bread. You got it on rye. Well, I'll take it back and have them change it. Oh, don't bother to take it back. I'll eat it, and you get Mr. Benny another one. Okay, Mr. Wilson. I'll be back in a minute, boss. Don, has everybody in the cast gone over their scripts? Everybody except Mary. She's not here yet. Hmm. Not like Mary to be late. Yeah, better call her and make sure that there's nothing wrong. Oh, Mabel, what is it? Mr. Benny's line is flashing. Yeah, I wonder what sparkle plenty wants now. Plug in and find out. Yes, sir, I'll call you right back. He wants I should get him married Livingston. Mabel, have you noticed how much Mr. Benny has changed? In the last few months, he's gotten awfully gray at the temples. His hair? No, his skin. What about the changes in them? Give her, for instance. Palladium in London, he was the greatest thing that ever happened to England. No. Yeah. He says he's so popular that he expects Princess Elizabeth to call her baby boy Jack Mountbatten Benny. Benny might be listening. Got a new sweetie pie. Phil Harris' guitar player, Frankie Rimley. Frankie again last night. He drove up on Mulholland Drive, parked the car, gave a big sigh and then laid his head on my shoulder. My, how romantic. Romantic nothing, he was out cold. How can you go for a guy like Rimley when Phil Harris is around? Ah, Phil Harris. I'll in his wavy hair, and what do you got? I don't know, kid, but throw me the left of it. Mr. Benny, I tried her number, but nobody answers. Gee, now, Mary doesn't answer. I hope there's nothing wrong with her. Oh, I'm sure there isn't, Jack. I saw her yesterday in the stocking department of the May Company. The May Company, but Mary doesn't work there anymore. No, but I do. I've got to eat, you know. Yes, yes, I know, I know. Here's your sandwich, boss. I got it on plain white bread this time. Good, good. Excuse me, Dom. Oh, my goodness, Roger. You said you got this sandwich on plain white bread. This bread is toasted. Toasted? Doggone, this California sun sure is strong. I'll take it back and have it changed. I'll eat it, Rochester. You get another one. Here you are, Mr. Wilson. I'll be back in a minute, boss. Stay down about five minutes before we go on the air. Go out and warm up the audience, will you? Well, leave it to me, Jack. I know what to do. Good. Come in. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Dennis. I'm glad you got here early, because... Hey, wait a minute. Why are you wearing your raincoat and rubbers? It's a beautiful day out. I know, but it's gonna rain. How do you know? When I left home, my mother's corns were hurting. Oh, well, sometimes that is a sign of rain. When do they start hurting her? This morning when a streetcar ran over a foot. Dennis, please. I haven't had anything to eat yet. Say, Dennis, I called you last night to find out what you're going to sing today, but you were out. I know. I took my girlfriend to a driving theater. Hey, you know, I've never been to one of those driving theaters. What's it like? Well, if you park in the front, you can hear the picture better. If you park in the middle, you can see it better. And if you park in the back... Oh, so you did it a little smoothly, eh? Oh, I'll say. It was nice and dark in that driving theater, so I put my arm around my girl. She snuggled up close, and then I kissed her on the back of the neck, and wham! It happened. What happened? She fell off the handlebars. Say, Dennis, is this girl friend of yours very pretty? Oh, no. She looks awful. She's got buck teeth, stringy hair, and a big wart on her nose. Well, then why in the world do you go with her? It's her bicycle. You take him, Don. You've had some food. No, you take him, Jack. I want to keep it. Dennis, what song are you going to? Here's your sandwich, boss. Chicken on plain white bread. Thanks, Rochester. Excuse me, fellas. Oh, Rochester for a heaven's sake. No mayonnaise. Back I go, into the wild blue yonder, back again. Never mind the singing. Just change it. Yes, sir. Oh, Rochester. Here you are, Mr. Wilson. Thanks. What are you staring at me for, Jack? I was just thinking, Don, you know, if you had a slot in your back, what a wonderful piggy bank you'd make. Now, Dennis, run over the song you're going to do, will you? Okay. Then west is west and the wrong one Rings and things and buttons and bow You stand out in buttons and bow, buttons and bow And you're all mine in buttons and bow Why, Mary isn't here. She's never been late before. How'd you like my song, Mr. Benny? I know. Maybe she got tied up in traffic or something. How'd you like my song, Mr. Benny? I don't know. Every Sunday she's the first one here. How'd you like my song? She, I hope nothing has happened to her. Oh, by the way, Dennis, I thought you sang your song beautifully. Forget it, kid. You had your chance. Oh, I'm sorry, Dennis. I had something else on my mind. Don't try to lock the barn door after the horse stopped singing. What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about. If the shoe fits, button it. Moving on to the artist entrance and see if Mary came into the studio yet. Can't understand it. It's so unliked, Mary. Hello, Mr. Bright, please have two tickets to your broadcast for my sister and her husband. They just got back from their honeymoon. Oh, I sure. Sure, Mr. Gibson. How long have they been married? Four years. Four years? They just got back from their honeymoon. It wasn't their fault. They got married on a quiz program and before they knew it, they were on a slow boat to China. Oh, so they were in China? Laugh-a-land. Oh, you should see the way they eat now. Matcha balls with chopsticks. Back chopsticks, eh? Yes. They even brought back souvenirs for my wife. Straw sandals, a coolly hat, a parasol and a kimono. And last night, my wife put them on. How does she look in a Chinese kimono? Like an egg food that's not so young. Mr. Kitzel, here are the tickets and I hope the newlyweds will be very happy. I hope so too. You see, this is my sister's second husband. Oh, so what happened to her first one? Well, it was a very peculiar incident. He was flying from New York to California. Uh-huh. And while he was sitting in the airplane, he felt a little chilly. So he crawled out to turn off the fence. I'll have to run along. I hope your relatives enjoy the show. Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel. It was nice seeing you. Oh, the pleasure was incidental. What if he's still running that little hot dog stand? Oh, uh, Jack. Yes, Don? Uh, Mary's maid called and said that Mary couldn't be on the program today because she has laryngitis and can't talk. Oh, my goodness, if Mary off the show will be short, we'll have to do something to fill in the time. Gee, I don't know how to... Hello, Jackson. Hi, you donsel. You pudgy, wudgy little barrel of blubber. Oh, Phil, come here a minute. What do you want, Jasper? Phil, look it. Instead of playing one number today, I want you to play two band numbers. Wow. Wow. I know you've been fighting it, but the fan mail finally got you, huh, Jackson? Phil, the only reason I'm asking you to do two numbers is because Mary can't be here. She has laryngitis. Laryngitis, huh? She got it in the arm or the leg. I won't even dignify that with an answer. And, Phil, since you mentioned fan mail, every week I receive hundreds of letters complimenting Dennis, hundreds of letters praising Don and Mary. But not once have I... Oh, yes, yes. Once I receive something in the mail for you and your orchestra. For me and my orchestra, then you have no right to open it. I'm sorry I did. It almost blew my arm off. Phil, just go in the studio and tell your boys to play another tune. Okay, I'll get to it later. Later? Phil, I want you to do it now. We haven't got much time. Slow down, Buster. Relax. Take it easy. Half patience. Oh, fine. What do you know about patience? Plenty. I got to have patience. Well, it takes 24 months in a wooden keg before bourbon is good on hotcakes. What? And you got to keep rocking it, Dad. You got to rock. You should know. But now go on inside and rehearse your band. Okay, look. I'm going to play a new number that Sammy, my drummer, wrote. Oh, Sammy wrote a number? What's the name of it? Raise the awning, Mother. Daddy's leading a shady life. Phil, nobody will recognize it anyway. Okay, Dad. Okay. Now, Don... Yes, Jack? After the program... Oh, my sandwich. Good. I'm starved. Oh, Rochester. I wanted mayonnaise. They put on Thousand Island dressing. Here. Thanks. This one. I'm going down the hall and get a Coca-Cola out of the machine. The way Don eats is so... Oh, well, there's someone else at the Coke machine. Hmm. I haven't got the right change. Pardon me, Miss, but have you got a nickel for four pennies? Yes, I... Well, Jack... Why, Dorothy. Dorothy Kirsten. Dorothy, I knew you were in town with the opera company, but what are you doing at NBC? Oh, I'm making a recording, and I stopped out here for Coke. Oh, what song are you recording? The Aria Viscidati from La Tosca. Oh, that's wonderful, Viscidati. Um... What are you recording on the other side? Raise the awning, Mother. Daddy's leading the shady life. I thought Phil was kidding. Say, Dorothy, we had a lot of fun when you were on my program last year, didn't we? We sure did. Maybe sometime I can appear with you again. Yeah, perhaps sometime in the... Hey, wait a minute. Dorothy, you can do me a great favor. I can? Yeah, you see, Mary can't be on a day, and she, as long as you're here at the studio, would you mind stepping in and doing her part? Caw, Jack, I couldn't take Mary's place. Sure you can, Dorothy. Now, I'll tell you what. I'll pay you the same salary I pay Mary. $40. $40? Well, Dorothy, you know, she's been with me for 10 years. She started at 35. Well, frankly, Jack, I'd rather come on your show for nothing. You would? That's the way it ended up last time. Now, wait a minute, Dorothy. I finally sent you a check for $2,000. I know, but those lawyer's fees were murder. Well, step in the studio, Dorothy, and we'll... Oh, Mr. Benny, do you mind if I... Hey, Mary, you look different with your new hairdo. Dennis, this isn't Mary. This is Miss Kirsten. Oh, but you were on the program last year, weren't you? Yes, I was. I remember. I sang a song, and then you sang a number. That's right. It scared the daylights out of my mother. She thought my voice was changing. Dennis, go sit down. Jack, I have an idea. As long as you want me to help out filling in the time, instead of telling jokes, I'd much prefer to sing a number. Would you really? That'll be wonderful, Dorothy. And how about my quartet joining in? Good. Oh, sportsman. Sportsman, come here a minute. You know, I think you and Miss Kirsten ought to go through the number once before the show. Don't you think so, Dorothy? What do you think would be a real high-class number? How about El Relicario by Jose Padilla? Oh, fine. I always liked Jose's stuff, you know? Go ahead, Dorothy. Dorothy, are you sure you haven't got laryngitis? Dorothy, that was wonderful. You know, I think you should rehearse an encore, too, because the people will want one. All right, Jack, if you wish. I'll tell you what. I'd like to sing Aida. Aida? Oh, that's wonderful, Dorothy. You know, that's one of my favorite operatic numbers. Let's hear it. Give me a piece of paper. Miss Kirsten. Just call me Aida. You're calling when the rain of damn are falling. An impartial survey covering all the southern tobacco markets shows that more independent tobacco experts smoke lucky strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. Yes? Lucky strike. First again with tobacco men. Excuse me, but who are these tobacco experts? Why, they're the independent auctioneers, buyers, and warehouse men, men with years of experience in buying, selling, and handling tobacco. And it's important for you to know that more of these experts smoke lucky strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. You've heard the survey results. Now, here's what Mr. Henry Loden Snaddle, veteran warehouse owner, 130 million pounds of tobacco recently said. At auction after auction, I've seen the makers of lucky strike by fine, mild, ripe tobacco. And I know that fine tobacco is tops for a good smoke. I smoke lucky 17 years. A lucky strike smoker for 17 years. And Mr. Snel, like you, looks to a cigarette for enjoyment. Real deep down smoking enjoyment. So light up a lucky yourself. Puff by puff, you'll see. L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. And fine tobacco means a world of smoking enjoyment in every lucky you light. Yes, you'll like lucky strike. Good night, folks. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.