 Hi everybody and welcome back to our vlog from the Kamasutra to 2020 where we respond to your questions your concerns even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality. So as always we have with us Dr. Anvita Madan Bihal. Anvita is a psychosexual therapist and she brings the clinical perspective to the advice that the Kamasutra has to give. Welcome Anvita. Thank you Seema and welcome to our vlog this week. So Anvita today I've decided that we're going to respond to a question that's been coming in in huge quantities over the last few weeks. And that is about young men and their attraction towards older women. Now this question has been coming in regularly over the years but in the last few weeks somehow it's just multiplied hugely. And most of the questions are quite basic. Most of the messages are quite basic. It just says I am attracted to older women. Is it normal? Is it natural? Is there something wrong with me? Now as you and I both know that this is a perfectly natural phenomenon. Nothing wrong with it. But there have been a few questions that have had a slightly different take to them. And so I thought this might be a really interesting subject to explore today. What do you think? Absolutely and you know literature is full of examples of you know the idea of younger men with older women. You have spoken about Radha being older than Christian and you know the most famous movie graduate. How can we forget about Mrs. Robinson and you know that whole idea of you know him being attracted to the older woman. So the literature is full and there is this idea out there that when young men are feeling aroused and they want sex that older women will be more willing. There would be less inhibitions, there would be less awkwardness, there would be more willing to have sex and that relationship will fulfill their need. So of course that's a big myth. This idea that you know only older women will be willing and young women wouldn't. But I guess that there you know women their age might come with a certain amount of awkwardness or shyness or embarrassment around sex and sexuality which you know might not be present in older women. You're so right. I mean of course literature, films etc is full of stories of relationships of younger men and older women. And as you said from the Indian context the most famous one is of Radha and Krishna. But those are really beautiful loving relationships that have been depicted. And then again on the same level like you said in the average person's mind when they're talking about being attracted to an older woman. It's not quite as deep as that. It's far more basic. It's a sexual attraction where you feel that oh here is this older woman and as you mentioned maybe she'll have less inhibitions. She'll be more mature about her ideas around sex. So this just might be an easier person to approach. And there is also the idea I guess in my mind that for a lot of younger boys the attraction probably comes from the fact that as women get older they become more mature. They do become more attractive just because they become more confident and I think confidence is so sexy and that really draws you to somebody doesn't it. Absolutely I think you know when you have a woman who is confident, mature, there's you know self-esteem is not an issue. She's independent. There's an authority. There's a power. Everybody feels excited or aroused by the power of somebody you know. And that arousal you know that you could feel attractive and that person could be attracted back at you. Is you know I have to say that that's something very sexual about it or very sensuous about it. So there is something very sensuous about older women that might come from their confidence and personality and maturity. And also there might also be an element of there's no taking care of right like older women don't come with needs or dependency or clinginess. They can take care of themselves and that might be something very attractive to them. My only concern like you mentioned sometimes I worry that is that relationship you know are the older women in it. Is it an open consenting relationship with the older women know what this relationship looks like it's for sex. It's okay both parties that's what they're interested in. I worry sometimes that it's presented as this deep loving relationship. And as soon as the purpose is filled young men move on to younger women and you know the older women are no longer attractive anymore. That sometimes worries me about this whole dynamic. You know you're absolutely right because we see that often enough that there is this sort of this thing in the mind this misconception or this preconception that oh yeah it's an older woman. She won't mind she doesn't need to be looked after. Oh she'll be fine with whatever we want to do it's all about us. And I think that that's something that if there are younger men writing in and saying oh I'm so attracted to older women and is that okay etc. And our answer to them would be that yes it's fine to be attracted to somebody else but that you have to put in a lot more thought into what is attracting you to her. Yeah absolutely because if it is if you are attracted to a woman because you think she can teach you then be open about that and the woman might be as excited to you know be the teacher in the relationship. But if you presented as oh that's my attraction that's the body type I'm attracted to and then change your mind you know one month later then that's problematic that's being a bit dishonest. But I also want to register here that lately we are noticing and seeing that a lot of times young men can also be grouped you know we when people come into a clinic. When we ask them about their first sexual experience they would speak about an experience with an older woman where they look back and they feel like everything was not consenting there. Like they feel a little bit used they feel like they really groomed and you know so many examples come in newspapers where a teacher has had this have sex with a student and we find that very problematic when it's a male teacher with a female student. It's as problematic when there's a female teacher with a male student as well because after all we're talking about a child gender doesn't matter. And so even when young men can be influenced as much as young women so I just want to register that point that you know they can be problematic relationships. It's all about power and control and being you know coercive control so just be careful is all I'm saying is let's just register and be careful. That's a really good point to make. Yes you're right we do tend to go by gender on this one. So if it is a younger girl with an older man who's interested in her. We would automatically see that as wrong you know we would have hackles would go up our antenna would go up but we don't react the same way when it's a younger guy. With an older woman and I think also in a way it's funny isn't it because it's also how we teach this concept because we when we talk about a younger woman being interested in a much older man. It's like oh no that's a creepy thing to do but if it's a younger man who is being interested in an older woman who might be responding in some way. Then it's like yeah you're being slapped on the back and told yeah that's your McKismo you know it's like that's so cool it's your sexual energy and so on. So I think we also as a society have led young men to believe that older women are fair game almost in a way. And so are we are we protecting the young men and that's you know it is important to think from that perspective as well. And a lot of times when we think about relationships you know we need to remember there's nothing wrong in being attracted to older people. A lot of people are attracted to this there might be an element of we spoke in fetishes that it might be the relationship of authority that's attracted to you. It's the personality or sometimes it can be something emotional people want that stable stable responsible emotionally mature person in their life. They might have seen a lot of chaos in their childhood a lot of pain and they're just looking for some security and safety. So there can be an emotional element and people have very successful relationships getting married to older people much older in their age. So there's nothing wrong with a young person being attracted to an older person. But as you start to this video always try and understand the source of it understand is it true attraction are you attracted to the person or are you compensating for something else. I think that's a good point for everybody listening to remember. Now you know you said earlier about this the thing of going to somebody because you think that they have something more to offer. Now in ancient times of course in the time of the Kamasutra it was the dumb thing as young men entered society as they as they came as they came of age. They would automatically go to a court and they'd be sent to a court as an older woman to learn the arts of love to learn the arts of pleasure and to actually learn how to conduct themselves as lovers so that they would be so that they would be able to provide pleasure for their partner equally. And that was an amazing relationship that always existed. But I guess in that time in those relationships it's a it's a defined role. The older woman is there she's not expecting you know long lasting love and everlasting relationship. She's expecting that this is what the young man is coming to her for today when you have young men sort of walking around saying oh yeah I'm so attracted to an older woman. I want to go to her. I think it's everybody's duty. It's everybody's ethical duty to understand that they don't take advantage of somebody else just because it fits in with some kind of stereotype in their head. So coming to some of the questions now you know whenever we talk about younger men and older women a lot of the guys who've been writing in are 18 years old 20 years old 22 years old. And I always think what exactly do they mean when they talk about an older woman like 30 to somebody who's 18 30 years old is old isn't it. But I've actually had three separate emails about people actually talking about young guys very young guys talking about how one of them specified and said I fancy my grandmother's friends. And I'm imagining that at his age his grandmother is probably in his mid in her mid fifties. Somebody else who actually said that when I see a woman with sagging skin and wrinkles etc. It really turns me on. So you know we did the whole episode on fetish now somebody's personal arousal based on a body type or a body shape is their personal choice. So I am I will not question or judge if that's their sexual preference if that's something that arouses them. So that is their sexual preference right there that that's something that's attractive. It could also be the relationship like we spoke about that it's something about women. You know the grandmother women or women of that age that that relationship is arousing there's something comforting about that relationship it releases some of their emotional tension and everything and they're able to perform sexually. It might be the warmth it might be the affection it might be the relationship. It could be numerous things that is there. So I think you know if that's your choice then that's great if that's what gives you arousal and pleasure. Super and I think the most important question which I've saved to the end. This came from a young man who actually has had several relationships it seems with older women it seems to be his relationship of choice and he says he's on his third partner now. But what he really wants to know about is how to actually bring her to pleasure because he says that she takes much longer to come to pleasure and that he cannot contain himself for long enough he cannot hold his ejaculation back for long enough to be able to satisfy her. So let's just assume that we are talking about older women potentially who are postmenopausal. We know that vaginal arousal can take longer there might be trinus lubrication might be an issue. So one of the things is use lubricants but the main thing I would say is spend a lot of time with foreplay. Foreplay is your key. Bring your partner to arousal bring yourself to arousal spend loads and loads of time on foreplay before you penetrate. And another suggestion would be once you penetrate one of the exercises that we work with in rapid ejaculation for example is understanding the point of no return. It's that point where after which you can't stop your ejaculation you can't you know stop the climax. You have to spend a lot of time knowing your body knowing how it works. But just before that point of no return if you can distract yourself if you can distract yourself and then the cycle begins kind of again you have to get yourself up to climax all over again and that just buys you some time. You know the ancient texts have a lot to say about this actually it's really fun. So the ancient Chinese books say that the best way to stop ejaculating is at that point you start thinking really bad thoughts about your partner. So you start thinking of them as evil you start thinking about them as ugly and so on and that will actually stop your ejaculation right away and it will actually reduce your erection immediately. Although what a horrible idea do you think I mean just can you imagine sitting over there and thinking nasty thoughts about your partner who you've been saying I love you to suddenly you have to change. But the ancient Indian texts say that the best way to actually slow yourself down is to think about nature. So anything out there in nature whether you think about the mountains or you think about meadows or slow flowing rivers and so on. But their top tip is always that you think about a very agile monkey jumping from branch to branch and it says that if you can do that it can make you hold on indefinitely. I'm going to use the monkey one in my therapy definitely and the nature not sure about thinking about your partner as the worst monster ever like that. I don't know but yeah I would love to understand the roots of this monkey one. I think it's just about the distraction because you know if you say OK distract yourself it can be your mind doesn't know what to think of at that point. But if you actually have something so specific to focus on you know where you imagine the monkey going from one branch to the other it's so specific that you can actually focus on that. So hence the distraction from it. But you know I think that the more important point like you were saying to make over here is that whether you are with a younger woman or an older woman. Most women take much longer to come to orgasm older women women even more so. And so spend more time on the fourth place the comes with actually says that a woman should be brought to orgasm at least twice before you actually penetrate her. So don't do this thing about rushing in and saying that you know I'm going to prove how manly I am by thrusting away for like half an hour at a time. It's not going to do her any favors it's not what is going to actually bring her to orgasm and it's going to put a hell of a lot of pressure on you for no reason at all. So if you are going to be with a woman at all and particularly with an older woman. Learn to understand what it is and if your relationship is going to be sexual and successfully. So I think you need to really understand what the woman wants and what her desires are because I mean it might be great that you're attracted to an older woman and therefore she fits your picture of what she what you want. Surely you should also fit her picture of what she wants. And as a lover you need to be able to understand what brings a woman pleasure not just what do you think is the right thing to do. Absolutely I think communicating with every individual will be different what your previous partner like is not necessarily what this partner likes. There is a lot of pressure today especially on young men because they think they need to be sex gods and they should be able to perform and they should be able to bring everyone to orgasm and that is really problematic. Communicate ask what the other person likes watch you know while you're in the act of love making what arouses them what actually makes them cringe what they don't like. Stop being so self obsessed or so focused on the orgasm be more interested in what your partner is liking or not liking. You know orgasm or think is not the ultimate thing. And actually the fact is that women over 35 are it is easier that we see more often that they will orgasm and women shy of 35 and find way more difficult to orgasm. So that's actually something that we noticed as well. And also the word that you use satisfaction you know it's sort of so typical to assume that satisfaction means an orgasm. Satisfaction is a very different thing in a woman's sexuality. So I guess in closing the advice that we would like to give is for all of you who've written in and said is it normal. Is it OK. Is it wrong for me to like an older woman. It's a very natural phenomenon. There is nothing wrong with it. If you're attracted to older women. So be it. It's fine. As people say people are so fond of saying these days age is just a number. It's absolutely fine. But it is extremely important to understand what is driving your attraction. Because if it is just about oh well it'll probably mean that sex will be easier. She will be more open to it less inhibited etc. I can use her. Well then that's not really a brilliant way to be going forward. But being attracted to somebody older is not a wrong thing. If you are going to be with a woman at any rate but definitely with somebody much older than you. Learn to understand what drives a woman sexually what satisfies her what excites her what gives her pleasure. Learn to understand it. And then be with her be worthy of her companionship. And Amita is there anything that you'd like to add to that. The only thing I was thinking is that because we had you know you brought up that example of the teacher student relationship. What I was also thinking was that for a lot of young men hormones are raging. And so many things around them become things of sexual pleasure or sexual attraction. And I can see if there is if there are older women around them who are nice to them who are affectionate towards them who are caring towards them. That it would be very normal to have a sexual attraction to them or a romantic attraction to them. But it might not be reciprocated because that's not you know from the purpose of the relationship the other person might be coming from. Don't feel dejected don't feel like oh my God I was in love with this woman and she rejected me. Obviously it seems like in one it was one side it was coming from your side. Just hang in there you will find a healthy loving relationship at some point on the other. But don't react with anger or disappointment or something because the other person doesn't reciprocate the same you know romantic love for you. Extremely good advice on that note. We'd like to say goodbye. As always do like comment subscribe on the video if you have any questions the email address is info dot Seema dot Anand at gmail dot com. And if you want to be in touch with Anna for counseling please do contact her on Anna Madan behel dot com. See you here next week. See you next week.