 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. And now, the Halls of Ivy. Welcome again to Ivy. Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. It's an old American custom, when an individual achieves preeminence in any particular field, to ascribe to him a wisdom and clairvoyance embracing the entire field of human activity. Thus, a millionaire Bobby Finn manufacturer becomes the authority on Soviet expansion in the Near East. And a ranking first baseman is automatically raised to the top level of experts on agrarian economy. But the perennial target for the opinion seekers is a college president. Tom Zidal day in the editorial room and he's the publisher's personal pigeon. So, at the home of Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, president of Ivy College and his wife, the former Victoria Cromwell of the London stage, we find a reporter from the Ivy News, Mr. Crane, whose 34th question is, Do you consider soil erosion a serious threat to our national prosperity, Dr. Hall? I haven't the slightest idea, Mr. Crane. I've read two books, which say it is, and one book and three articles, which say it is nonsense. In this matter, you may put me down as a confused neutral. That's about 20 times I've had to put you in the no opinion column, Doc. It's refreshing to meet somebody who's too wise to be too smart. Oh, I'm not trying to parade any particular wisdom, Mr. Crane. But there are a few subjects on which I am not a qualified expert. That's what I mean. It's refreshing. You'd be surprised at the button heads I interview who know everything about everything. Now then, who do you figure to cop the pennant this year? Victoria, who do you think will cop the pennant this year? The White Sox. The Chicago White Sox? That's your information, Mr. Crane. My wife has never made a wrong world series prediction. Never? Holy cow. The White Sox. This is right from the dream book. Wait till I throw that onto the sports desk. I can get 500 to one it. Oh, excuse me. I got just one last question, Doctor. I'm glad to hear that. How about Mrs. Whitney's statue? The school going to accept it? Statue? I don't know anything about any statue, Mr. Crane. You mean for publication, but how about Off the Record? I don't know at all. I know Mrs. Whitney by reputation, but otherwise your question is meaningless. Okay, Doctor, I've seen some of her stuff, and I don't blame you for playing it close to your chest. Well, thanks a lot, and thank you, Mrs. Hall. Are you sure about the White Sox? I haven't told you, Mr. Crane. I've never been wrong on a baseball prediction. Ever since I... I'm afraid of delaying, Mr. Crane, my dear. Good day, Mr. Crane. Bye, and thanks a lot. I'm glad you're here. So, will we stop? Toddys? Yes? The White Sox is a baseball team, isn't it? Oh, God, I was so worried it might be a polo team or hockey or something. How was my prediction, remembering that I have never been wrong and also that it was my first? It was fantastic, my darling. If you are wrong, well, any baseball profit is entitled to one error, and if you are right, you'll have a television future which will be worth upward of half a million next year. And a certain Mr. Red Barber will go on a diet of scorecards and mince vampire. That, however, is... Oh! Why, Vicki, what is it? My goodness, I just remembered Mrs. Whitney. Well, what about her? I sent you a note yesterday afternoon and I completely forgot about it. I'm so sorry. I knew I'd heard the name when I reported it. No, no, don't worry. It may not be important. Where is the note? I left it in my desk. Mr. Toddys? Well, this may explain what Crane was... Listen to this. Dear Dr. Hall, being numbered as I am among Ivy's colleges, affectionate and grateful alumni, I am quite familiar with the governing board's anxiety to acquire sufficient funds to construct the new gymnasium. The new gym? I have just completed a heroic piece of sculpture called Brutal Truth, designed to adorn the terrace of the new gymnasium. This I am presenting to Ivy College with the necessary funds to complete the building. Oh, how wonderful! My...my check will be presented immediately upon the board's approval and acceptance. And, of course, your own. Won't you and Mrs. Hall call on me as soon as possible? Sincerely yours, Genevieve Whitney. Oh, Toddys! Aren't you excited? Yes. Yes, I am, yes. Quite exciting. Well, I must say you're controlling it very successfully. Oh, thank you. I think, my dear, when one has spent as many years as I, wheedling money out of alumni and hardly a dollar of it without a string attached, one acquires a sort of psychic caution. In this case, have you ever seen Whitney's sculpture? No, not unless that monstrosity in the garden of the City Museum is one of hers. The garden looks like a grain elevator struck twice by lightning. Now, that is a Whitney. No. Yes. But, Toddys, no American woman could have done that. It must have been done by some gigantic Hungarian or chick with a beard down to here. Oh, no. Yes, I agree. Her work always seems more in the nature of some great geographical upheaval. I'll get it. Dr. Hall's resident. Dr. Hall, this is Mary Weather. Oh, yes, Mr. Mary Weather. It's always nice to hear from you. Well, this is Charles. I'll tell you that you're expecting me. Today? Yeah, yeah. I didn't realize it was so urgent. Where are you? In that case, I suppose our presence is indicated. We'll see you there. Goodbye. Goodbye. Something about Mrs. Whitney? Tea. Four o'clock at her house. You and I, Mr. Mary Weather's brother and Mr. Wellman. Well, where's Mr. Mary Weather? Well, he's out of town. And as you know, he and his brother Charles are identical in more than looks. They think alike, too. They both hate Wellman. It does as their command performance. We'll have to go. Yes, and after a little conversational badminton we will be expected to approve the sculpture which is to adorn the new gymnasium. And I suppose not approving it is to lose out on the money to build the gym. My darling, you'll have a natural gift for stating a problem with simplicity and accuracy. But in this case, Mr. Wellman is the real problem. Oh, I know. To get that new gymnasium, he'd approve anything, wouldn't he? How about Mr. Mary Weather? Well, if any Mary Weather approves of something, it's because he likes it. He'd thought, thumbs down on the Mona Lisa if he really felt that way. But Mr. Wellman... Yes, Mr. Wellman. Somehow I can't see him as a disinterested art patron, Toddy. The new gymnasium, Mr. Mr. Wellman, what the golden fleece was to Jason. It's his mission in life. And neither snow nor sleep nor gloom of night. Somebody at the door, dear, and I think in the nick of time, too, you were just about to gum up a good quotation. And hedged about by critics today. Art critics to the right, literary critics to the left, bollied and thundered. Please answer the door, Mrs. Fadiman. Neither rain nor hail nor sleep. Neither storm nor sleep nor gloom of night shall stay this courier from his appoint. Neither wind nor storm. Oh, William, it's Mr. Wellman. Ah, good day, Mr. Wellman. Don't you sit down. No, thank you, Mrs. All, can't stay for the moment. I wanted to speak to you about Mrs. Whitney's office of complete the new gymnasium. Yes, I presume that was it, Mr. Wellman. Well? Well, what? I just wanted to be sure you're going to be reasonable about it, that's all. After all, if we all agree that I mean it's better to have an understanding beforehand. Well, the Board of Governors wants this donation, Dr. Hall. At any price? I do not see that the acceptance of a very valuable piece of sculpture by a world famous artist is any great price to pay, Mrs. Hall. Well, do we understand each other, doctor? If we do, it will be for the first time. I don't think we do. Do you mean, sir, that you are unwilling to make a very small compromise in a matter so important this college as a new gymnasium? Well, Mr. Wellman, yes, if I make any compromises, it will be after I have seen Mrs. Whitney's work. I'll definitely not commit myself to you, not to anyone, until I... By the way, have you seen this statue? Yes. Yes, I can. What is your frank opinion of it? My frank opinion, as you call it, Mrs. Hall, is that the artistic appraisals of Dr. Hall and Mr. Merriwether and myself are not half as important to this college as the acquisition of the new gymnasium. The money to build it is far more important to me than any decorations that may come with it. Then I think I reflect the opinion of the majority of the Board. I'm sorry, Mr. Wellman, but I can't give you a blanket endorsement, sight unseen. Yes, it will. But I warn you, Dr. Hall, if we lose this donation, it will be because of your integrity. I think he meant my stubbornness, Victoria. I take it, Mr. Wellman, this is a warning to go along with the majority vote if you can arrange one. The Board wants this gymnasium, that's all. Good day, Mrs. Hall. I can find my way out. Thank you. Here we go again. Why don't you and Mr. Wellman just meet each other behind the library some morning? No pistols for two and breakfast for one, that's all. No, no, I'm just beginning to enjoy these little encounters. I find that Mr. Wellman's bark is a great deal worse than his bite. That's simply a lovely reference, party. Simply lovely. What reference? Mr. Wellman's barking and biting. Because my opinion of his ancestry is also... Vicky, Vicky, please, please. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Before we return to Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman and the halls of Ivy, here's a banker to tell you in his own words how his curiosity led him to fall into a rose bush and make a new friend. Who's who says I'm a banker? But you'd never know it on weekends. Then I put on my oldest clothes and work in my flower garden. Recently I discovered that my new neighbor had a similar hobby, except that he added a special touch to his amateur gardening. After he'd put it around for a while, his wife would bring out a tray and he'd sit down to a comfortable river chair. Then he'd pour himself a glass of beer and as he sipped, you could see a happy look of satisfaction play over his face. This look told me I was missing something and I decided to find out what that something was. I didn't feel I knew my new neighbor well enough to ask questions, but I've always said, brother's a will, there's a way. My way was to work over to a rose bush near my neighbor's yard. There I pretended to be hard at work with the pruning shears while I tried to find out what beer he was drinking. I had just made out the name Schlitz on the label when suddenly I lost my balance and sprawled painfully into the rose bush. The elk I let out brought my neighbor on the run, but fortunately nothing was seriously damaged but my dignity. This was quickly repaired when my neighbor invited me to sample the beer I'd been so curious about. I drank and found out why Schlitz had won itself such a large following. Now almost every day after work you see the two of us, sometimes in his garden, sometimes in mine, with bottles of Schlitz beside us. The looks of satisfaction on our faces tell the story. No wonder Schlitz is the largest-selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. As we return to the halls of Ivy, we find the preparing to attend a tea at the studio of Mrs. Genevieve Whitney of the Eminence Sculptors. Mrs. Hall says, You look very handsome in your blue suit, Toddy. Thank you. How about me? Lovely. You didn't even look. I didn't have to. You're always lovely. You have an instinct for clothes. Without that slight flamboyance, one usually associates with the theater. Well, there are two sides for every foot flight, Toddy, but Hamely doesn't have to worry tights going home on the subway. Oh, and I suppose Carmen can take the rose out of her teeth long enough to have a sandwich at the drug store. You know, Vicki, I'm a little worried about Mrs. Whitney's statue. We do need a new gymnasium. I know. But I love this college, particularly its physical aspects. The architecture of this campus is a great part of its charm. I think it has a direct relationship to the affection that students hold for Ivy. And I will not approve anything which is not in harmony. Gymnasium or no gymnasium. Board of Governors or no Board of Governors. Good. Well, I'm on your side, Doctor. We won't accept anything we don't like, even if they've backed on us. Like Jack is the word, Victoria. I just meant the word. I didn't like to be too intimate with it. Vicki, you're a very soothing person. England lasts for certainly America's profit. Would you like to go back for a visit? No, I'd love it. Wouldn't you like it too? See again all the places we went together. Yeah, sentiment is sabbatical. I would indeed, Victoria, the Lake District, Covent Garden, Chelsea, Pudding Lane... I'd bought corner and a cutthroat and the plum blossoms and the veil of Eversham. And the tower. Ah, the tower. Do you remember the midnight we spent at the Tower of London? After we walked from Southwark Cathedral across the Thames to Billings Get Market... And watched the ceremony of the King. Oh, it was a lovely evening. I'd never seen it before, you know. Well, you know, I'm deeply mortified. But I should be telling you all about our customs and traditions. Oh, not necessarily, Victoria. I know Chicagoans who have never seen their stockyards. New Yorkers who have seen the Statue of Liberty only on Perscars. And men from Texas who have never... No, no, I'm wrong. They're Texans who are rightfully proud of and thoroughly acquainted with everything that is there. They are the most... Oh, look, look. Look, Victoria, the Tower. It's a matter. Are you too warm, William? No, darling. I was just uncovering indifference to my sense of history. Under this moon, this time of night, a little ogre filming. Even to an American? Oh, possibly even more so, my dear. You've seen it so many times, but coming to it like this, I can almost see the ghostly form of William the Conqueror supervising its construction. The moat filled again after a hundred years and imprisoned Sir Walter, writing his history of the world. Edward the Fourth, little Prince, he died in the bloody town. By the order of Richard the Yusuf. Oh, William, you have boned up on this. You did it too embarrassing. No, no, Victoria, I didn't. Just because I've always had a tremendous interest in this. Look, an apple of the lantern. A yeoman quarter with his keys and the guards. Oh, who comes there? The keys. Oh, his keys. King George's keys. Advanced King George's keys. Oh, words. Guard of justice. Present us. And serve the king. Amen. You're holding it so tight. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking. This ceremony has been observed every night since the Middle Ages. I almost feel a sense of impertinence at the thought of taking you away from all this beauty, all this history and tradition. You're not taking me away, William, dear. I'm following you. And much as I love it, this country can't survive my departure. I think it's lived through worse crises than this. I know, my dear, but... Excuse me, Charlie. But we're beautiful witnesses in twenty minutes. This is Whitney. What the sculpture is for what she's doing in England. No, no, no, Charlie. What if I get the keys? Well, at this time of the night, how can I... Oh, dear, Charlie, how's that? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hey, shouldn't we be leaving for Mrs. Whitney's? Don't be about due there. I could tell you, but you were thinking about something else. What was it? The Tower of London. The ceremony of the keys. You and I. Oh, if we ever get back there again. Oh, it wasn't difficult, my sweet. The memories I have of being places with you constitute a passport to revisit them at any time. And the most enjoyable way to travel it is to... Halls, international airways. Safe take-offs and happy landings. And so cheap. Get your hats, stewardess. Oh, take it, chipper. More tea, Mrs. Hall. Doctor, no thank you. No thank you, Mrs. Whitney. Mr. Wellman. Mrs. Maryweather. I think of no. Couldn't absorb another drop, ma'am. Thank you. Besides, I'd like to put this teacup down. A hand-like mine that was designed to hold a miner's pick, a competitor's throat and a golf bag, in the order named, isn't very safe for one of these egg gels. I thought you were handling it very sweetly, Mr. Maryweather. Don't deny it. In fact, for an ex-miner, your social graces are quite remarkable. Well, I worked hard at it, doctor. Made a million dollars so I could have some decent clothes and then discovered that a millionaire can get away with wearing anything. By that time, I was so used to wearing a coat and necktie for too late. How about you, Mr. Wellman? Or were you born to the purple? No, indeed. I'm a self-made man. Decent of you to take the blame for it, Clarence. This is all very well, Maryweather, but the purpose for which we are here is... Oh, of course, of course, I'm sorry. Mr. Wellman, you're perfectly right. I'm sure doctor and Mrs. Hall would like to see my work. I am important to you. I'd like to hurry you, Mrs. Hall. All you were, too, Clarence. The trouble with you is when you see people relaxing, you've got to recall them to some stern duty. You're a Puritan. Ease up, son. The Indians have gone and the colony is safe. For one sight, for myself, an agreement with Mr. Wellman. I think we shouldn't take any more of our hostess's time. Oh, very well, doctor. My studio is through here. It used to be the grand ballroom in my grandfather's day. There was so much of grandfather with a prove of clay on the floor and marble chips all over a room in which he entertained the governor and two presidents. But, as Mr. Maryweather is probably about to say, every generation must do its chiseling in its own way. That's very good, doctor. Let's assume that I did say that. Well, where's the mask please, ma'am? I'll just be dying to see it. This will be a great day for Ivy College, I'm sure. Well, we'll see, Mr. Wellman. Will you please take over that side of this canvas? Yes, ma'am. Now, just switch it back. Now, that's it. Well, it's a breathtaking, isn't it? Simply breathtaking. Well, what's sweet or what's cold? I never imagined any such... Mr. Maryweather? You don't look at me, ma'am. I'm a little done-founded. Frankly, my education didn't prepare me for modern sculptures. Certainly a powerful piece. I'll say that for it. It's probably wonderful if I understood it. How about you, Mrs. Hall? I am a little unprepared too, Mrs. Whitney. I don't feel that I have much of a right to express an artistic opinion of it. The meaning of it escapes me. And you're much more intelligent not to have given me the meaning. Thank you, my dear. Dr. Hall? Well, Doctor, don't you think it's an amazing piece of work? Yes. Yes, I certainly do, Mr. Wellman. But I... That's it, my dear Mrs. Whitney. I, the college is most grateful to you for this. And for your generous offer to complete the new generation. The Board of Governors will... Excuse me, Mr. Wellman. I don't think Dr. Hall would finish. Have you, William? No, I hadn't. Well, what's your verdict, Doctor? You're the foreman of the jury, as far as I'm concerned. What could his verdict possibly be, except that this... Pipe down, Clarence, you're pressing. Dr. Wellman? Well, my knowledge of art is limited, but I was taught such things as line, form, composition, color and balance. For me to judge this rather tremendous piece of work would be presumptuous. Mrs. Whitney, your technical proficiency is beyond question. Your reputation is secure. Your admirers are legions. Your generosity deeply appreciated. But in all honesty, I must vote no. Dr. Hall, do you realize what this means? Please, Mr. Wellman. What good heavens is the man's who plies? Clarence, the lady told you to shut up. You do understand, Doctor, that I'm tremendously proud of this work. Oh, Madame, were I capable of producing anything one-tenth as impressive, I should be equally proud. Then what, Doctor? And you do know, Doctor, that I had intended to provide funds for the new gymnasium upon the acceptance of this statue. Yes, I know that, but... I cannot give my approval. Why not, Doctor? Well, I'm William. I feel that this piece of sculpture, heroic in size and expert in execution, is completely out of key with the architectural scheme of Ivy College. Well, oh, believe me, I don't pass this Olympian judgment lightly, but I cannot be so false to my own conception of what is right for the beauty of the campus as to approve something that doesn't appear to me to harmonize in any way with its established design. I, I hope you won't consider this an abuse of either your generosity or your hospitality, Mrs. Whitney. It certainly is. I never heard such quick... Gentlemen! Gentlemen, the offer of this sculpture is withdrawn. We thank you anyway, ma'am. But I'll still build you a gymnasium. Any college with a president who has the courage to risk his position to maintain his beliefs... Well, I'm proud to be an alumna, doctor. I wish you'd been here when I was a student. Thank you. Oh, Mrs. Whitney, you are in love. Hello, Clarence. This is extremely kind of you, Mrs. Whitney, particularly in view of Dr. Hall's obstinacy. It was because of his obstinacy, Clarence. Can't you get that through your head? William, what is a smiley hat? I was thinking of the Tower of London, Vicki. The Tower of London, doctor? Is that a propose something? Well, it is somewhat. There's a ceremony at the Tower of London, the ceremony of the keys. It's no secret to my wife that I hold fast to certain kinds of tradition, the kinds that are significant of courage and grace and character. Every man, I suppose, has his own ceremony of the keys. And to hand them on, shining and bright, is one of the... Oh, dear me, I am sorry. Am I moralizing again? Yes, Toddy. And don't stop, never. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Cole. Good night, everyone. Good night. The Tower of London's latest picture, Champagne for Caesar. We'll be seeing you next week at this time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Cole. The other players were Paula Winslow, her Butterfield, Gail Gordon, Jerry Hausner, Raymond Lawrence, and Harry Martin. Night's script was written by Don Quinn and Hector Schevner. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Roswell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe, and presented by the Joseph Schwitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking. For The Big Wedding, stay tuned now to The Great Gilder Sleeve on NBC.