 Don't talk to me about no f***ing urban legends. Jesus. In our line of work, you'd think you'd know better. What I mean? I mean, they ain't just f***ing stories, dipsh**t. Oh, fine. Some of them are. I mean, sure, no gangbangers gonna shoot you just cause you flash your headlights. But a lot of them ain't. Why don't nobody hear about them? Why don't they hear about no f***ing skips? We ain't the only ones dancing in this here party, you know? No, I ain't full of sh**t. Look, I'll tell you how I know they're real. Okay, so this was a while back. I was out hunting elves in Jersey. What? They were short. They had pointy ears and squeaky voices. That's good enough for me. Were they really elves? Probably not. Sure as hell didn't bake no cookies. Do I give a sh**t what they're really called? No, I do not. Anyways, don't interrupt. So I'm off duty, having finished up for the day. I go drinking at a dive in the bad side of town. Reminds me of home, right? So there's this broad. She's cute, so I buy her a drink. One thing leads to another, and I go back to her place. No, it ain't professional, but what the f*** do you care what I do in my f***ing off time? Jesus. So we have some drinks, make some small talk, and I suddenly find myself crashing harder and body-holly in the big bopper. Yeah, you see where I'm going with this? Thing is, the bit where you wake up in a bathtub with ice. Yeah, that's bullsh**t. They're taking your f***ing kidneys. The f*** do they care if you live? Here are just some random f*** who can point them out in a line-off. Best if you don't ever turn up. Yeah, I'm still alive. Thanks for noticing. You might also notice something they didn't account for, proper like. I'm a big f***ing guy. 300 pounds, hair under seven foot. There's a whole f***ing lot of me. And it takes a lot to take me down. And even more to keep me down. I wake up with this real bad pain in my side. I open my eyes and there's this f*** with a scalpel opening me up. I put a stump to that real f*** quick, believe me. I was a bit woozy, but I'm a trained foundation agent. They was a bunch of amateurs. I'd went down about how you'd expect. So don't talk to me about no f***ing urban legends. Anyway, keep your eyes open. This f***er with the hooks gotta show up sometime. And a file. To learn more about the SCP Foundation, subscribe to SCP Orientation today and turn the notification bell on so you don't miss any of our videos.